— 14 single women on their relationship to sex
The recently released film Wicker is full of sex. So much sex that some theaters released a 4D version where audiences can feel their seats creak in sync with the passionate lovemaking of the protagonist, a fisher played by Olivia Colman, and her husband, played by Alexander Skarsgård.
Also, this husband is made of wicker.
The film comes at a time of supposed sexual upheaval. Headlines wail about younger generations having less sex, and gallons and gallons of digital ink have been spilled over the concept of heteropessimism – the idea that women who engage in romantic relationships with men are doomed to unfulfilling sex. In this context, it makes sense that women would be drawn to the idea that the only way to find a satisfying sexual and romantic partner is to have them built out of twigs.
But is it really so bleak out there? The answer seems to be yes – and no. We asked single women to share their relationship to sex, and women of all ages across the globe opened up about their experiences.
Answers have been edited and condensed for clarity.
I hear newer generations of men are getting better at it
I’m 86, I live alone with my dog, and I enjoy the freedom of no attachment to a man. Before this, I was married twice, and selectively sexually active with men until my mid-60s. Sex was important but disappointing, because I was rarely with a man who knew how to satisfy a woman. I’ve consistently needed a light touch, and come easily, but the men I was with were mostly too rough and thoughtless! I’ve usually chosen older men; I hear that newer generations of men are getting better at it.
Now I can take care of myself as easily as I want with a small, comforting vibrator and I’m really happy with that.
– Anonymous, 86, California
For years I was a very selfish lover
I refuse to live without sex. I like men, and have discovered since becoming single again at 48 that older men are still interested in sex, and the interesting ones prefer women closer to their age.
I had about 10 difficult years raising a severely autistic child. Sex was one of the only ways I could do something for myself. It was an absolute priority in my life, something that helped me hang on to my sanity and my humanity. Now that I’m no longer a full-time caregiver, sex is more about connecting with my partner, but for years I was a very selfish lover. Men don’t seem to mind being given instructions and being pursued. In fact, they seem to love it.
– Beverly, 56, New York
There is nothing like an orgasm to help get you through the challenges of life
Sex is super important to me. It’s a need, something I engage in for my health and wellbeing, not just connection. I need to feel regular physical contact, or if that isn’t available, I use a vibrator. There is nothing like an orgasm to help get you through the challenges of life. There is no shame in loving sex!
Over the last couple of years, my body has experienced trauma because I’m BRCA1 [a breast cancer gene]: I’ve had three operations including a double mastectomy and the removal of my ovaries and fallopian tubes. I was seeing someone through that experience, and it was so important to know that I could still enjoy sex with my new implants and lack of estrogen. It was daunting and I’m still getting used to it. You need to adapt as you age, but honestly, I’m having better sex than when I was younger.
– Tamara, 55, UK
I am still trying to get over my fear of sex
As a teenager, I developed a fear of becoming aroused to the point where I was uncomfortable sitting on uneven surfaces or anything that might cause genital sensation. I was raised in a very sexually conservative household, but as a teenager I realized I was a lesbian and struggled a lot with that before deciding in my late 20s that I was going to be less afraid. I started my first romantic relationship a couple of months ago, and despite being very attracted to my partner, I am still trying to get over my fear of sex.
– Anonymous, 30, US
Sadly, I’m heterosexual
I’ve always had a high sex drive, and perimenopause hasn’t changed that. In my previous relationships, it was often higher than my partner’s. Sex to me is about release and imagination. It’s fun. But the thought of involving a male partner (sadly I’m heterosexual) who won’t take the time to have good sex, doesn’t call you back, wants you to play a certain “feminine” role or present your body in a particular way means that masturbation is far more fulfilling. I’ve always had better and more frequent orgasms with self-pleasure rather than with the majority of my previous partners. It’s a wonderful gift that the human body has given us.
– Anonymous, 51, UK
Not all it’s cracked up to be
I am a straight woman and I was attracted to men, but I have always found sex to be wildly overrated. It’s fun at first, and great for getting pregnant (I had two kids, both planned), but basically not all it’s cracked up to be.
Now that I’m widowed, I enjoy having control over all aspects of my life. I can pursue things that really interest me instead of having to consider the needs of my husband. I loved him, but I really am enjoying widowhood. I have no interest in a romantic relationship.
There are many things for me which are more pleasurable than sex, which makes me feel odd. But I can get as big a thrill out of a good book, a great meal or even a well-played classical work as I ever did out of sex.
– Anonymous, 66, Spain
I want it in my life!
I had relatively boring sex until I turned 50. As a young woman, it was because I was not comfortable with my body so I found it hard to relax and enjoy myself or feel desirable. Later, my long-term relationship was not a happy one. We had functional sex. I could orgasm once I heard it was “OK” to stimulate myself while having intercourse (revelation!) but our physical connection was a bit like augmented masturbation for me.
When we separated, I developed an unexpected connection with a guy which was so amazing. This was my sexual awakening. I thought: This is what I have been missing out on?! It was incredible for a range of reasons: I was more at ease with my body; he absolutely desired me and did not hesitate to show and tell me, so any doubts I had were wiped away; we also had an extremely intense emotional and intellectual connection.
Since then, I’ve had some relationships with good sex, but nothing quite like that. Now I’m able to relax about my body and just enjoy myself. Currently, I’m single and not having sex with anyone, which is frustrating because I want it in my life!
– Anonymous, 60, Australia
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