Sex Advice With An Edge
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Once thought to be largely motivated by religious beliefs, celibacy has become a popular way for people to reconnect with themselves, gain control over sexual desires and find more meaningful relationships. Some people refraining from sex say they practice abstinence — but is there a difference between abstinence and celibacy?
A multitude of influencers and celebrities have publicly touted not having sex. Actor Andrew Garfield has been public about trying out celibacy for a time; ditto for Justin Bieber. Musician Lenny Kravitz said in an interview that he has been celibate for years for spiritual reasons; and singer and model Suki Waterhouse has credited her “bout of celibacy” for helping her end up in a happy relationship with boyfriend Robert Pattinson.
According to Psychology Today research from July 2024, about 1 in 6 women and 1 in 10 men say they are deliberately taking a break from sex and dating,
While experts can’t isolate the increasing rates of celibacy or abstinence to one factor alone, they do speak about some of the reasons more people are engaging in the practice — plus some of the upsides or downsides that may come from doing so.
Sexual abstinence and celibacy are both terms that refer to choosing not to have sex or partake in certain sexual behaviors, and they are often used interchangeably. However, they differ depending on the intention behind not having sex.
“Celibacy is often associated with religious vows or motivation,” Kim Polinder, a certified relationship coach and the host of the podcast “Engineering Love,” tells TODAY.com.
When one chooses celibacy for spiritual reasons, it usually means refraining from all sexual activity, whereas abstinence usually means refraining from specific sexual activities for a specific time period or under specific circumstances, such as wanting to wait to have sex until marriage. “Abstinence can be more flexible,” where celibacy is more of “a long-term choice,” she says.
Brooke Sprowl, a licensed therapist and the clinical director of My LA Therapy in California, agrees. “Celibacy is a conscious, often long-term commitment rooted in deeper personal or spiritual beliefs,” she tells TODAY.com.
“When someone chooses celibacy, they’re often embracing a lifestyle that prioritizes their emotional, spiritual or personal growth over the complexities that sexual relationships can bring — a choice that’s intertwined with a larger purpose but doesn’t have to be related to spiritual devotion.”
Some people practicing celibacy kiss, whereas others do not. That’s because the specific sexual activities a person chooses to refrain from are entirely up to the individual.
“When people define themselves as celibate, whether for a period of time or as a lifestyle commitment, they can place the boundary wherever they choose,” Dr. Donald Cole, a licensed marriage and family counselor and clinical director of the Gottman Institute in Seattle, tells TODAY.com.
Some people, he says, choose no sexual activity at all. Others allow only kissing, some choose to draw the line at the touching of breasts or genitals, and others say only intercourse is off limits.
“The key is that celibacy is a personal decision, with each person defining what it means for them based on their unique motivations and values,” says Sprowl.
There are a variety of reasons people choose to be celibate.
“Ascribing to religious or spiritual beliefs is the most common reason for celibacy,” Dr. Paul Turek, a men’s fertility physician and the director of the Turek Clinic in San Francisco, tells TODAY.com.
When motivated by religious beliefs, Polinder says that celibacy can help one better focus on spiritual service and a deeper connection to a higher power.
“Others might choose celibacy for purity reasons, such as ‘saving yourself’ before marriage, to maintain moral integrity, or as a way to create space for focusing on personal growth,” she says.
“Abstinence is … a way to assert control over one’s physical body, rejecting societal pressures or expectations around expected sexual behavior,” says Polinder.
Individuals who have experienced sexual trauma might also choose celibacy or abstinence “to heal from the negative experience,” says Cole.
Sometimes, Sprowl says, individuals choose celibacy or abstinence “as a way to break free from unhealthy patterns of codependency or to avoid the emotional entanglements … that can come with sexual relationships.”
Polinder explains that “other people wish to remain celibate while in a relationship until a certain level of trust and commitment are achieved.”
“Some people choose celibacy to avoid certain consequences of having sex — including painful sex, sexually transmitted infections, unwanted pregnancy or undesired emotions,” Turek adds.
“The benefits of celibacy can be profound,” says Sprowl.
The first benefit Sprowl points to is “allowing individuals to better understand their own needs and desires without the complications that often accompany sexual relationships.” It can also “(offer) a space for deep self-reflection and the development of a stronger sense of self.”
Cole says celibacy can help one focus more time and energy “on work, education or personal growth.” It can also facilitate healing from a negative relationship or provide a sense of safety, “as meeting people and beginning relationships sometimes creates unexpected dangers and anxieties, which are avoided by celibacy.”
Turek adds: “Celibacy can also bolster personal character traits such as restraint, patience and compassion.”
Turek says that abstaining from sex also has the practical benefits of no longer needing birth control, lowering risk of sexually transmitted infections and avoiding unplanned pregnancies.
Celibacy can give a couple in a new relationship “the opportunity to focus on their friendship first in order to create more meaningful emotional intimacy rather than sexual chemistry alone,” says Polinder. “Abstinence can remove the emotional roller coaster ride that can accompany sexual relationships.”
“Celibacy isn’t without its challenges,” says Sprowl. It can sometimes lead to feelings of loneliness or isolation, “particularly if the choice to be celibate results in fewer intimate relationships.”
If the decision to practice celibacy isn’t adequately thought out, it can “lead to internal conflict, frustration, or feelings of shame,” she adds.
Polinder agrees: “A lack of intimate connection with others can lead to a heightened sense of disconnection and loneliness if one is not prepared for this lifestyle choice.”
In other circumstances, “celibacy may lead to sexual frustration and feeling overwhelmed, inadequate or uncool,” adds Turek.
And if your romantic partner is not aligned with your celibacy or abstinence commitment, “the decision can strain the relationship or lead to maladaptive behaviors within the relationship,” says Cole.
But if you’ve heard that celibacy can affect male fertility, Turek says not to worry: “The reality is that celibacy has no effect on fertility potential, as the male body has ways of keeping fertility fresh though nocturnal emissions.”
If you’re interested in trying out celibacy to see if it improves your wellbeing, there’s no specific amount of time you must refrain from sex in order to notice benefits, the experts say.
That’s why Polinder suggests starting with a trial period, such as a few months. “The trial period allows you to re-evaluate matters at the end without losing integrity with yourself for not pursuing it indefinitely,” she explains.
To decide how long to be celibate, you should also have a clear goal for your celibacy. This way, when you feel you’ve achieved it, you can assess if you want to continue with the practice, Polinder says.
Last, be hyperaware of any changes in your circumstances or motivations for being celibate, Turek advises. Experiencing more negatives than positives may be a sign you’ve have tried celibacy for long enough.
The No. 1 tip from experts is to make sure you have clear goals for the period of time you’re abstaining from sex.
To help make your celibacy journey more successful, you should also feel confident that you have “sufficient emotional awareness and maturity to navigate (celibacy’s) complexities,” Sprowl says.
“It’s also beneficial to seek guidance, whether through therapy or supportive communities, to help navigate any challenges that arise and to ensure that your practice of celibacy is fulfilling and … contributes to your overall mental, spiritual and emotional wellbeing,” she adds.
Polinder says it’s important to keep checking in with yourself about how the practice is making you feel and affecting your relationships. For example, are you feeling more centered and grounded, or experiencing loneliness and frustration?
Turek cautions that celibacy isn’t for everyone.
“What’s key is to do it for yourself and no one else,” he says. “Otherwise confusion, resentment, self-blame and guilt will surface and erase intended benefits. … Celibacy should be followed as long as the sum total of benefits outweigh the negative.”
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Clashes over sexual morality in America are, in large part, about what is new and what is old. Is premarital intrigue a timeless natural indulgence, or is it a byproduct of a newfangled venture called feminism? Is contraception an innocuous safeguard, or is it a contrivance of that devious plot against America, the sexual revolution?
Conservatives are nothing if not determined to confuse tradition with vindication, and it is no surprise that they are wont to appeal to history in hopes of endowing their bedroom hang-ups with the sort of gravitas that clings to musty antiques. One of their favorite relics is the fantasy of a golden age that might be recuperated, a period when pleasurable mischief was confined to marriage, babies resulted from every tryst and gender roles were strictly delineated. And what brought this utopian era to an end? “Feminism,” the conservative commentator Matt Walsh tweeted last year, is “perhaps the most destructive force in human history.” In a subsequent podcast episode, he clarified that “feminists have succeeded in destroying … the nuclear family,” a process that he alleged has “eaten away at the very fabric of civilization.”
Fierce Desires: A New History of Sex and Sexuality in America,” Rebecca L. Davis puts Walsh’s picture to the test. Her important, ambitious and entertaining study reminds us that many of the practices portrayed by reactionaries as radical and new, such as same-sex love, are in fact long-standing, whereas the sort of conjugal bliss lauded by the likes of Walsh as normal and normative is a relatively recent invention.
But Davis, a professor of history at the University of Delaware, demonstrates that Walsh and his ilk are true traditionalists in at least one sense: Americans have always displayed a special talent for prudery, sanctimony and moral panic. Any whiff of enjoyment or nonconformity that has ever materialized in the land of the strait-laced and the home of the stifled has attracted a scold, eager to wag a disapproving finger.
Davis divides American sexual history into three sometimes overlapping eras: 1600-1870, 1840-1938 and 1938-2024. It is not clear which of these strikes sexual reactionaries as an epoch of erotic virtue and sexual tranquility.
In some respects, the first of these eras was not as retrograde as some might wistfully imagine. The practice of “bundling,” whereby courting couples spent the night together before they wed, was so common that, “by the 1770s, between 30 and 40 percent of the brides in New Haven were already pregnant when they spoke their marriage vows.” Contraception and abortion were also widespread: Davis writes that many women “used pessaries, a substance or device placed in the vagina to block or neutralize sperm,” and pharmacists stocked herbal remedies that they euphemistically claimed could restore women’s periods (that is, terminate pregnancies).
But early America was also wretched in ways that even the most unapologetic chauvinist would be hard-pressed to defend. Marital rape and domestic abuse were rampant and largely unregulated. In one harrowing chapter, Davis details the plight of a 17th-century woman trapped in an abusive marriage to a man who beat her and regularly raped one of the couple’s daughters. This woman was nearly without recourse: Divorce was difficult (and in some states impossible) to obtain, and a wife was not legally entitled to live separately from her husband or even to enter into contracts on her own.
Sexual abuse was also one of the most pervasive and abominable features of slavery. Sexual propriety was heavily racialized from the country’s inception, and Davis writes that in the 17th century, “correct sexual behavior became an essential means of distinguishing Christian from heathen, civilized from savage.” Formerly, women as a whole were cast as lustful and licentious; now, White women were reimagined as fragile and infantile, and their alleged innocence served to distinguish them from Black women, who were derided as bestial and promiscuous, and Black men, who were stigmatized as predatory. These stereotypes were used to justify atrocities: For the next two centuries, Black men suspected of seducing White women were beaten or lynched, and enslaved Black women endured rape at the hands of their exploiters. There is little about the sexual politics of early America that anyone but the most depraved racist could find redeeming.
The second period considered in “Fierce Desires,” 1840-1938, is perhaps more promising from a conservative perspective. In the late 1800s, the anti-sex vigilante Anthony Comstock successfully campaigned for the passage of the Act for the Suppression of Trade in and Circulation of Obscene Literature and Articles of Immoral Use, or, as it is more commonly known, the Comstock Act. The infamous policy outlawed interstate trade in erotica, a category that included contraception and abortifacients. As enforcement agencies and vice squads sprung up right and left, several prominent abortion providers found themselves at the receiving end of Comstock’s zealous harassment and ended up taking their own lives. Davis notes in an epilogue that certain contemporary conservatives are so unabashedly enthusiastic about this period of American sexual history, they are attempting to summon “the ghost of Anthony Comstock”: In the wake of the Supreme Court’s Dobbs decision, many antiabortion activists hope to enforce a clause of the Comstock Act that was never formally repealed and that would proscribe the distribution of abortifacients by mail.
The movement to ban abortion has never been isolated from a broader agenda — one that strives to coerce women into motherhood and thereby reinforce a regressive gender hierarchy — and Comstock, the antiabortion poster child, had definite ideas about women’s place in society. The proper aim of sex, he emphasized, was not pleasure but reproduction in marriage; women belonged in the nursery, and their bodies belonged to their husbands. In a later chapter on the politicization of abortion in the 1990s, when religious extremists staged violent attacks on abortion clinics and even killed providers, Davis insightfully observes that members of the then-nascent antiabortion movement were not “single-issue voters” because “the abortion issue became a referendum on the sexual revolution, gay rights and feminism. Abortion opponents described the procedure as an assault on the ‘American family’ because, they argued, it untethered reproductive sex from marriage, women from men, and men from their responsibilities as family breadwinners. Abortion struck at their beliefs that the conventionally gendered, heterosexual family held the nation together.”
She could just as easily be describing contemporary Trump supporters, or Comstock and his followers. All of these antiabortion crusaders are united in understanding that women’s freedom depends upon reproductive autonomy — and united in opposing that freedom.
Despite his recent resurrection, however, Comstock was not altogether victorious, even in his own day. Nineteenth-century moralists “fought an uphill battle,” as Davis writes. Euphemisms abounded — in a particularly satisfying twist, “Comstock syringe” became slang for a certain contraceptive — and birth rates continued to plummet. Speakeasies thrived in the Gilded Age, and in the late 1800s and early 1900s, queer desire flourished behind the scenes in secret societies, at drag balls in Harlem and among female blues singers who performed in top hats and tails. In chapters that center on memorable characters, some of them famous and some of them simply private civilians, Davis digs up some truly novelistic — and often truly touching — details about queer life.
By reactionary lights, she concludes, the years from 1938 to the present have seen a procession of unmitigated disasters. First came the Kinsey reports, studies based on interviews with thousands of American men and women. Published in 1948 and 1953, these enormously influential documents showed that both same-sex dalliances and premarital sex were quite common: 50 percent of the women surveyed said they’d engaged in coitus before marriage, and, per Davis, “the researchers calculated that 37 percent of American men had at least one sexual contact with another man that resulted in an orgasm.” Then came feminism and, on its heels, the development of sex education curriculums, which conservative Christians argued were “Communist, taught their children to be gay, sexualized very young children, exposed youth to pornography, and contributed to rising teen pregnancy rates” (there’s something perversely impressive about the doggedness with which they’ve trotted out this playbook in the intervening decades, without even gesturing at updating or revising it).
Of course, progressive movements faced setbacks in this last period, too. Throughout the 19th century, Davis writes, “same-sex and otherwise queer expressions of desire were common and mostly unpunished.” Men and women discretely pursued same-sex relationships in single-sex spaces, such as the military and all-girls schools. It was not until the late 1800s that same-sex desires were named or studied, and it was not until the 20th century that the social-scientific mania for taxonomizing (and all too often pathologizing) homosexuality took off. Definition was a double-edged sword: With the recognition of queer identity came persecution at the hands of homophobic vice squads, religious fanatics and sinister physicians who devised cruel “treatments” for desires they regarded as deviant. But the era also heralded the advent of identity-based organizing that was ultimately, if tentatively, effective.
A case can be made that sexual conservatism is the linchpin of the contemporary MAGA movement. It is, Davis writes, “the bridge that linked evangelical Protestants and Catholics across deep waters of theological and cultural difference.” It is certainly the missing link between such otherwise disparate figures as Matt Walsh, JD Vance and Amy Coney Barrett. There is nothing more American than repression, prudishness and bigotry — except, perhaps, mustering the bravery to stand up against them and for the transports of individual pleasures, in all their untamable glory and variety.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
By Amanda Chatel
There’s a good chance you’ve heard of the 69 position, maybe even before you could really wrap your brain around the concept. The position — two bodies on top of each other, facing opposite directions, and simultaneously stimulating each other orally — can be a hotly debated topic amongst friends. There are people who love 69-ing and those who’ve realized not only is 69-ing not for them, but they completely loathe the position. Luckily, we live in a world of options, one of which is a little something called the 68 position.
“The [68] position is a very relaxing one, you are actually laying there to receive rather than being expected to do something in return,” certified sex and relationship psychotherapist Gigi Engle tells Cosmopolitan UK. “A lot of the time, when women and people with vulvas have problems with orgasm, it’s because they don’t think that they have an entitlement to pleasure, due to the way that they have been socialized to be givers and to always be servicing other people,” says Engle. “This position really lends itself to just laying back and enjoying.”
To get a better understanding of the 68 position, Women exclusively talked to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, sexpert for Lovers sexual wellness brand and retailer. If you’ve never heard of this gem of a position, then here’s everything you need to know.
The biggest difference between the 68 and 69 positions is that only one person is being orally stimulated. But similar to 69, your bodies are still stacked and facing opposite directions. One partner lays down on their back, while the other partner lays on top of them, facing the opposite direction, but face up. Each partner should have their feet firmly on the ground with their knees bent and legs comfortably spread enough to receive oral sex. It may take some experimentation the first time around, but every sex position takes a bit of work when initially explored.
“People may find the 68 position better than the 69 because of multiple reasons,” Stewart tells Women. For starters, height differences between partners can mess with alignment of the genitals and mouths for 69-ing, she says. There’s also the matter of trying to get your head in the game during 69-ing, which for some people can be near impossible. “If they’re unable to multitask, the 68 is ideal because they only have to be concentrating on one kind of behavior,” says Stewart. “It’s also helpful if you just want to concentrate on your pleasure without any distractions like genitals in your face.”
The biggest advantage that the 68 sex position has to offer (and is the real selling point), is that each partner is able to concentrate better while giving oral, as well be more present while receiving, Stewart says. There’s also the fact that 68 allows for a “spectacular view,” she points out. Let’s be honest, during 69-ing your partner’s genitals are so close to your face that your sense of sight is pretty much deprived. All you can really see is just flesh and more flesh, and not the particulars. For people who need visual stimulation to become aroused and stay aroused, 69 just doesn’t do it. But with 68, it’s all right there — and not just your partner’s genitals, but their body and face too. It can be really sexy to make eye contact with your partner during oral sex — something you never get in the 69 position.
Despite the fact that only one person is giving oral in the 68 position, both partners can still stay active. It takes two to tango, which means that just because you’re not giving oral, it’s not okay to mentally check out. When you do, you’re denying both you and your partner what can be a really intense and intimate experience.
“You should always be active unless your role is to be passive,” says Stewart. “As an active person in the sexual experience, that means that you are giving feedback (moans, talking, etc.) to let your partner know how you’re feeling.” After all, communication (all forms of it) keeps the momentum going and allows both partners to know that they’re on the same page.
If your partner is new or it’s a one-night stand, be sure to communicate beforehand as well. Having sex with someone you just met can be really exciting, like opening a gift, but because sex is an umbrella term for so many sexual acts, you want at least a glimpse of what you’re both into — especially if there’s the possibility of having to navigate a kink gap. “Know which tactics that they have as sexual assets that will titillate your partner in the ways that they like,” says Stewart. “Being able to connect to your lover authentically is a great way to foster trust, safety, and security.” Also, don’t forget to tackle the consent chat before you do anything.
Not every body is able to move in the exact same way, and it’s important to keep that in mind whether you’re planning to 68, 69, do it doggy style, or try some super advanced position you come across in the Kama Sutra. Just because something exists, it doesn’t mean everyone can (or should) do it. “When doing [the 68] position, keep in mind your physical limitations and be cognizant of your physical abilities,” says Stewart. “Nothing is worse than getting into a position you think you like and then having it be ruined by a body part that is too achy or unable to withstand the sexual experience.”
It’s also worth noting that sex-related injuries are far more common than you might think. According to a survey by Superdrug Online Doctor, a whopping 62% of people in a roughly 1,000-person survey reported injuring themselves during sex. Among the sex positions most likely to result in an injury? Doggy style — for people with vulvas and people with penises. So ease your way into the 68 position, make sure both you and your partner are comfy, then let the oral stimulation commence.
Somewhere down the line, every person is introduced to the 69 position. In most cases, they hear about it first and, depending on your age and sexual experience, the mere idea of it can be perplexing. We’re talking about a position in which two people are facing opposing directions — as in head-to-toes — and giving each other oral sex at the same time. Why? Who came up with this? As if it weren’t hard enough to garner the necessary stamina and confidence to be on top, let alone this.
Like a lot of sex positions, this one goes way back. It appears in the Kama Sutra, which was written somewhere between 400 BCE and 200 CE, and is explained as “When a man and woman lie down in an inverted order, with the head of one toward the feet of the other, and carry on this congress, it is called the Congress of a Crow.” But how the name evolved from “congress of a cow” to 69 can be attributed to, of course, the French — leave it to the French to come up with a pretty term for anything sex-related. At the beginning of the French Revolution a sex manual entitled “The Whore’s Catechisms” was published and in it, this notorious position was renamed “soixante-neuf,” the French translation for sixty-nine. And the name stuck.
Although there are those who love 69-ing, for many it’s not a great position for a slew of reasons. If you don’t love, or even like 69-ing, you’re not alone.
It’s pretty rare that you come across a couple who are the exact same height, especially in cishet relationships. However, if two people want to pull off a 69 and make it enjoyable enough to be an almost-perfect situation, then being the same height is key. Granted, a couple of inches in height differentiation aren’t a big deal, but if you’re five-foot and your partner is six-two, that’s quite a disparity and 69 isn’t likely to be the best fit for you two.
“69’ing is not actually ‘nice,’” a Reddit user wrote. “If both partners aren’t well-matched in how tall they are, it just doesn’t work well … One person lies on the bottom and is kind of crushed. If you don’t orgasm simultaneously, it’s just awkward.”
Although there’s the debate that if you perform 69 on your sides, there’s no crushing involved even if the two partners aren’t remotely close in height, it can still be tricky. If you and your partner have a mismatched height situation, then skip 69.
Some people aren’t multitaskers. They don’t have it in their DNA and that’s fine! If the world were full of only multitaskers, far too much would be accomplished and, honestly, we don’t really need that. The 69 position is multitasking and then some. Just think about the position and what it entails from both partners: attention to detail, being totally present, and trying to offer up some really great oral sex while also trying to focus on your own pleasure.
“Female perspective: There’s too much going on at once,” wrote a Reddit user. “It’s almost impossible to concentrate if the other person is doing a good job. If the other person isn’t doing a good job then why bother with bells and whistles for them if they are just lapping at you like a thirsty dog drinking water … It’s a totally overhyped sex position.”
Contrary to the belief that cis men are into 69-ing, this Reddit comment got a very apropos response: “Male here and I 100% agree with you,” wrote the Reddit user. “I can’t speak to fellatio, but I know cunnilingus takes some concentration to be done well. So 69 is like doing math problems while on a roller coaster: you won’t enjoy the coaster and you’ll f*** up the math. It’s better for everyone involved to just take turns … I put 69 in the same category as shower sex and beach sex. They sound nice on paper but are typically disappointing in practice.” There’s no sense in giving and receiving mediocre oral sex when you can give and receive fantastic oral when you subtract multitasking from the scenario.
As the Reddit users pointed out, with all that’s going on, concentration goes out the window. When that happens, having an orgasm is hard for both partners — no matter if they’re penis owners or vulva owners. Even if your end game in 69 isn’t focused on climaxing, your brain is still immersed in things that you normally wouldn’t be thinking about if you and your partner partook in oral sex one at a time.
For example, there’s all that lovely face-smothering that can make breathing a bit of a challenge. Then there’s that distracting lapping and sucking sound that, when oral is performed on each person one at a time, isn’t as noticeable because there are things like moaning and being able to lose yourself in the moment fully. During 69, you can become overly aware of things you wouldn’t normally even notice. For those with a vulva, trying to orgasm is often difficult enough.
“[The media] has been guilty of telling women how orgasms are supposed to happen,” clinical psychologist and sex educator Lawrence Siegel told Healthline. “To have an orgasm you have to be able to let go and allow it to happen, which is an issue for a lot of people … People wonder if they’re pleasing their partner enough, or they get self-conscious about their own bodies in certain positions. Porn is a big misconception about how people are ‘supposed’ to look, feel, and react during sex. And a lot of that is fake.” If you’re someone who struggles to orgasm with a partner or without one and want to orgasm with your oral sex, then 69 probably isn’t for you.
According to a 2018 study published in Sex and Marital Therapy, ultimate sexual satisfaction is directly linked to communication — this includes both verbal and non-verbal. But when you’re 69-ing, you can’t verbally communicate (for obvious reasons), nor can you non-verbally communicate, again, for obvious reasons. It’s not exactly the most forgiving position when it comes to movement that would let you non-verbally communicate to your partner that you’re enjoying a technique, disliking something they’re doing, or if they moved their tongue a little to left, things would feel much better. You’re sort of trapped in a locked-in position, both mouths full of genitals, and minimal ability to communicate what you want to tell them.
People who like to talk during sex and feel comfortable expressing what they’re experiencing, giving direction, or are open to receiving direction, aren’t likely to find satisfaction in 69. Sure, you can “uh-huh” with your throat, but that’s about it — especially if your bodies are really close and you have a penis in your mouth that you have to struggle to get out of your mouth to say even one word. Also, if you’re not awkward about dirty talk and are really into it while being intimate, it’s definitely not happening during 69.
Two words: neck pain. Anyone who’s ever tried 69 laying down, either one on top of the other or side-by-side knows that neck pain, if you hold the position too long, is a given. Certain parts of the body aren’t made to be held in specific positions for extended periods of time, so when these areas are pushed to the limit, pain inevitably follows.
According to a survey of over 1000 Europeans and Americans by Superdrug Online Doctor, 62% of people reported experiencing sex-related injuries at some point in their life. Although doggy style appears to be the most dangerous for those with vulvas and missionary the most precarious for penis owners, 69 is also on the list. As the survey found 2.6% of penis owners and 1.4% of vulva owners have been victims of 69ing gone awry. While the survey didn’t say how these injuries occurred or what they were, they still happened. There’s also the risk of an over-excited person wielding their penis in a way that can get a little aggressive.
“It’s not uncommon for an enthusiastic penis-haver to press down a bit too far into their partner’s mouth, restricting airflow and causing a bit of discomfort,” sex and relationships therapist Stefani Goerlich, LMSW-Clinical, LISW told Insider. If you’re accident-prone, already have some aches and pains that you’d prefer not to add to, or you’re a big fan of breathing while engaging in sexual activity, then maybe look toward other sex positions instead of 69.
As you’ve probably noticed, people get horny in the summer. We have the sun, more skin showing, holidays, and just a general upbeat attitude about life as a whole. So, naturally, sex is on the brain for a lot of people — and research proves it. According to a 2013 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, a five-year-long analysis found that once summer rolls around, Google searches for porn, prostitution, and online dating skyrocket. The study noted that the findings further prove that seasonal trends around STIs, condom sales, and abortions increasing as well. But while many people may be in the mood to get it on, there’s one position you shouldn’t get into when things are hot and sweaty.
“The 69 position is best avoided because it obviously means bodies are super-close together, rubbing down,” sex expert Ruby Payne told LadBible. “And even if you do it on the side, there’s more contact with the bed fabrics … Stick to the ‘unmutual’ kind of oral in a heatwave.”
That’s right; a sex expert has actually advised against summer 69-ing. If July and August are your months to sexually shine before Labor Day, then 69 isn’t for you. But guess what? That’s totally okay! Despite what we see in porn, most people aren’t 69-ing all the time. In fact, a 2015 survey by Uncovering Intimacy found that only 17% of people favor the 69 position for oral sex, while 46% prefer laying on their back with their partner between their legs. So there you go — you’re not alone and there are many of us, so you’re in fabulous company.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
By Sarah Gill
“Students are increasingly demanding an education that reflects their different realities and needs, not one rooted in shame-based approaches,” Elisa Belmonte, Research Communications Manager at Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland (RCSI) tells us.
In celebration of World Sexual Health Day, now’s our chance to sit down and consider the myriad ways we can ensure that the next generation can get the Sex Ed we wish we had. One that’s free from shame and stigma, that delves into the areas of positive consent, periods, contraception, sexually transmitted infections and so on so that young people can be equipped with the knowledge and understanding of themselves, their bodies, and the real world around them.
Dr Caroline Kelleher, a lecturer in the Department of Health Psychology in RCSI and a contributor to expert lead sexual health education outreach programme Debunking the Myths, says: “Historically, sexuality education has been heteronormative, predominantly focusing on the sexual experiences and practises within cisgender, heterosexual relationships. The range of sexual orientations and gender identities that are part of our society and always have been, have remained ‘in the closet’ in sexuality education, and it is time this changed.
“Young people need to feel visible, represented and supported in the education they receive, and fully aware of the knowledge and taught skills they will need to explore their sexuality in a healthy, safe and consensual way.”
Here, we speak with both Elisa Belmonte and Dr Caroline Kelleher on how programmes like Debunking the Myths represent a step in the right direction, and how parents can ensure that their children get the Sex Ed they so require…
Sex education in Ireland, known as Relationships and Sexuality Education (RSE), is part of the broader Social, Personal, and Health Education (SPHE) curriculum. The SPHE curriculum (both for the Junior Cycle and Senior Cycle) has been recently updated, to reflect the increasing evidence of the challenges young people in Ireland face as they grow up, and the growing recognition of the significant benefits of school-based health education programs for their social, emotional, and physical well-being.
The school ethos plays a significant role in its approach to RSE, which can lead to differences in the quality and scope of RSE that students receive.
The Debunking the Myths program is designed to complement the Senior Cycle RSE curriculum, providing students with access to healthcare professionals who can address specific questions in an age-specific, safe, unbiased environment, contributing to counter harmful misinformation and empower young people to make informed decisions about their health. The feedback we’ve received from teachers is they really appreciate the added value that our programme is bringing.
Social attitudes towards sex and sexuality have evolved, and programs like Debunking the Myths are playing a significant role in driving this change among the younger generation. These initiatives are helping to open up conversations and normalise discussions about topics that were once considered taboo, such as STIs, pleasure, contraception, and anatomy.
Students who attend Debunking the Myths workshops consistently express the value they find in having medical experts delivering the workshops. Their presence creates a more objective and trustworthy environment which is crucial in dispelling misconceptions about sexual assault, contraception, and sexually transmitted infections. Having trusted, knowledgeable sources reassures students and helps break down barriers to discussing these critical issues openly.
Moreover, students are increasingly demanding an education that reflects their different realities and needs, not one rooted in shame-based approaches. Programmes like Debunking the Myths are responding to this demand, providing a relevant and comprehensive understanding of sexual health. While progress is being made, we need a collective effort to enhance conversations and ensure that sex education continues to evolve in a positive and inclusive direction.
Most Senior Cycle secondary school students who engage with these workshops are open to discussion and display an open-minded attitude when it comes to conversations about consent, and gender identity and sexuality. Our workshops are designed to be highly interactive.
We are conscious that teenagers may not feel comfortable to speak up in an environment where they are surrounded by their peers and teachers, so the workshops utilise an online application called Mentimeter which allows teenagers to submit questions anonymously and to answer polls and quizzes in real time with answers being incorporated in slides projected to all attendees.
To date, we have received more than 2,000 anonymous questions during our workshops, which highlight students’ eagerness to know more. They are the ones actively demanding an education that addresses their needs and reflects their diverse experiences.
Dr Caroline Kelleher says: “For parents, it is about providing a safe space for your children to speak about these topics, gently letting them know that you are here to listen and support them. You may not know the right thing to say or the answers to all of their questions, but creating a supportive environment at home is a strong first step.”
The team at Debunking the Myths have created a dedicated section on our website where we collate trustworthy information and existing educational materials from reputable sources which can be accessed HERE.
Among the resources cited on our website:
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
By Ju Derraik
Sexual health is not just about testing and contraception, although there are plenty of resources available on campus to help with that. It’s also about creating a healthy relationship with your boundaries and with pleasure. Yes, sex should be safe, but it should also be meaningful, whether it’s to connect with a partner, with an identity, or with yourself.
As an intimacy coordinator and someone who spent this summer connecting with students about consent culture at Orientation, sexual health is really important to me. Talking to incoming students this summer brought to mind my freshman self, hailing from little to no high-school sex education (all we had was an abstinence pact… that only girls had to sign). While I handed out Condom Fairy flyers and consent stickers, I thought about the advice I would have given my first-year self.
Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage.” Cheesy as it is, his adage rings true in how intimacy works for student films, which has taught me about intimacy off-camera. As an intimacy coordinator, I work with actors and directors to plan, choreograph, and ethically execute intimate scenes.
When I’m on set, be it a high-five, fist bump, or elbow touch, I always have my actors tap in before intimacy work. ‘Tapping in’ is a kinesthetic practice at the start of every intimate scene. It’s a way to say:
“Hey! I’m here, present in my body! I see you. Do you see me too? “
I use the consent acronym C.R.I.S.P on set to help actors be curious about their boundaries. Applying C.R.I.S.P to real-life sex, I encourage you to do the same:
Considered
Having consideration is not just about asking yourself, ‘Do I want this?’ It’s about preparing in advance so that sex can be a source of pleasure, not distress. With BU Student Health Service’s access to free and low-cost contraception and birth control options, you can ensure not only that your consent is considered, but that you consider your consent.
Revokable
I always tell my actors, that “No” is simply information. You have the right to change your mind at any point during intimacy! You always have a choice. Your sexual partner(s) should be able to graciously receive that information freely.
Informed
Informed consent isn’t just a form for BU’s social science labs. Staying informed about your sexual health is an act of consideration for your partner(s) and yourself. The chief way to stay informed is to get tested; SHS makes it easy. Remember! Plenty of STIs can be asymptomatic. Go with your partner(s) or friends (post-brunch activity?).
Specific
Consent is situation-specific. My actors’ agreement to one point of contact does not mean an agreement to the next. The same rings true for sex. Past consent does not mean present consent; present consent should be enthusiastic! College is for exploration in more than one sense. Find out what you don’t like. Find out what you do! (And feel empowered asking for it).
Participatory
Without my actor’s participation, there can be no intimacy. Although this one seems self-explanatory, our generation tends to forget it the most. In reality, sex does not have to be romantic, but it shouldn’t be dissociative. Yes, consent involves checking in with your partner, but it also involves checking in with yourself. Be present in experiencing your sexuality. You can only learn if you participate.
Today and every day, while I urge you to tap into BU’s safer sex resources, I also encourage you to tap into your built-in resource: your body. Invest time into yourself; learn about your boundaries. Forego judgment and be curious about what you like. You can find that curiosity using C.R.I.S.P or any method of reflection you prefer best. Whatever it takes to tap in and say:
“Hey! I’m here, present in my body! I see you. Do you see me too? “
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
As a sex therapist, I make space for people to let go of what they think should be happening and move towards what they truly desire. I often see clients who are stuck in their sex lives, or not having the kind of pleasure they want. There are seven key things I have learnt in my time as a sex therapist that can help individuals break free and improve their sex lives.
It’s so common for people to be avoidant about the topic of sex that the underlying reasons for it are rarely even considered. I have found that at the root of any avoidance or awkwardness there is usually something the individual has catastrophised. They avoid talking about sex as, unconsciously, they believe that doing so could reveal catastrophic truths, such as that their partner totally fantasises about someone else or that others are far more competent in the bedroom than they are. These unexamined worst fears are rarely the reality.
A client may say “I think he really doesn’t find me attractive anymore, since I’ve given birth” and my response is “OK, but what makes you think that, have you asked him? Have you asked what might be going on with him, or been curious about the changes in your sex life?”
If I could give only one piece of advice, it would be to let go of assumptions and expectations and find out what is going on with your partner.
Individuals often carry unconscious shame, which can greatly impact desire. Feelings of shame may be linked to negative sexual experiences but shame can date back to childhood. It can be surprising for people to realise that their sex life is being affected by beliefs and feelings originally unrelated to sex. For example, a child may have learnt to be ashamed of their own needs if they were expected to suppress them in favour of other people’s. As an adult, this may cause them to focus only on their partner and to totally disconnect from their own pleasure and enjoyment. In therapy, this relates to what we call conditions of worth: believing that we are worthy only if we meet certain conditions. Unpicking these conditions of worth can pave the way for far greater passion.
One particular client, a single woman in her 30s, was struggling with sexual shame. We talked about a difficult sexual experience and she came to the realisation that the experience had not been consensual. Once she was able to see this for what it actually was, and to think about how her body had felt, the shame began to dissipate. She then reframed the experience as sexual assault. It was a tough realisation, but this alignment was ultimately incredibly freeing for her.
Many aspects of a sexual relationship can be transformed by therapeutic work. A mismatched libido is very common but there is great potential for sex drives to become more in sync. There is a playful erotic exercise which can be really helpful: the couple ‘show and tell’ by demonstrating to each other what they like through self-pleasure. Couples find this game-changing for increasing their desire and libido and I highly recommend anyone in a trusting partnership try this exercise.
Similarly, people may have a fixed way to reach orgasm, but this too can change. By spending time focussing on their senses and exploring touch, they may discover, for example, that they can orgasm from nipple play.
A recently divorced woman in her 50s came to see me because she was feeling lost within her sexual self. She had been a wife and a parent for more than half her life and was keen to enter into a new form of relationship and sexual adventure but didn’t know where to start. After working on self pleasure and becoming more aware of her body’s responses, she found that she had a new fantasy life, focussed on being dominant rather than submitting. She went from low confidence and self-worth to loving her body and feeling empowered about having choices; she was reminded that her relationships, and her life, were in her control.
Goal-orientated pressure can really diminish sex. This can be particularly apparent for clients who are trying to conceive, as the pressure of timing can lead to difficulty maintaining an erection. But striving to ‘achieve’ can cause psychosexual issues in many other scenarios. People who experience issues such as vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, delayed, early or absent ejaculation will often be feeling a great deal of pressure – from a partner, societal norms, or themselves.
People would be far less concerned about achieving certain sexual goals if they knew the wide variation in people’s experience and knowledge. Some women are unfamiliar with their own genitals; some married couples have never had sex; some men do not know how to perform penetration. I see couples, for example, who have been to the doctors for their struggle with conception; yet when they come to see me and we talk it becomes apparent that penetration isn’t actually occurring. Little to no sexual experience is far more common than many would assume.
People tend to expect that there should be total spontaneity in their sex life; that they should be having unpredictable sex every other day of the week, on the kitchen counter; and that it should all just ‘happen’. However, for most people, life simply gets in the way. The expectation of spontaneity also means that sex isn’t talked about beforehand; couples assume they should be completely aligned and just know what each other wants. But this is unrealistic.
People are usually resistant to planning sex, but it can be very sexy and erotic – communication throughout the day about the where and the when can build up the arousal. Equally, deciding in advance not to have sex, feels so much better than one person spontaneously initiating, only to have the other person turn away.
Planning sex was transformative for a couple in their 30s who, when they first came to see me, thought they would never be able to have sex again. The woman had MS, the man had painful arthritic hips, and every time they tried to have sex one or both of them would be in pain and take days to recover. Attempting to have sex had become a tense and sad experience. Initially we worked on building intimacy and connection through non-penetrative exercises, then we thought carefully about their bodies and came up with different sexual positions for them to try including the use of supportive cushions. They were delighted to be able to be intimate in these new ways.
So many people, regardless of gender, have negative feelings about their body, worry about their appearance or about being ‘enough’ for their partner. But it’s not looks that make a satisfying sexual connection: it is feelings – genuine and authentic feelings. Authenticity is the antidote to shame and insecurity and the key to intimacy.
If people are struggling with insecurity we can look at the relationship; whether they are accepted for who they are, and whether they take pride in all that their body does for them. Working with people around their truth, their authentic self, is powerful.
Sex homework can involve journaling, self exploration exercises or whole body massage. But a classic sex homework task is to temporarily avoid penetration. This removes the perceived goal from sex and allows for more focus on sensations and emotions. This can be transformative for people, even if they’ve been having sex together for years.
It is my hope that, regardless of where they are now, people can release fear and shame and experience more joy and pleasure. Which is often easier than they think!
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
By Wendy Wisner
Sex and meditation are not two things we tend to think of as a pairing. One is typically quiet, relaxing, peaceful, and still. The other is, well…sex.
But meditation is not just about sitting crossed legged on the floor and trying to empty your mind. Meditation is simply being mindful. That can happen during a formal meditation practice, while taking a walk, washing the dishes, as well as including “body-centered techniques”, such as focusing on sensory perceptions.1
So what happens when you combine sensory-focused meditation and mindfulness with sex? Well, you get something called sexual meditation. “Sexual meditation is the practice of combining meditation techniques with sexual activity or intimate connection to deepen physical and emotional awareness,” says Sophie Cress, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist at SexualAlpha. “Its purpose is to enhance the sexual experience by fostering a state of mindfulness, where both partners are fully present and attuned to each other.” Research shows that combining mindfulness with sex can increase sexual health and satisfaction.2
Ready to take a deep dive into meditation and sexuality, including how to practice more meditative sex, either alone or with a partner? We’ve got you covered.
The concept of sexual meditation is fairly open-ended. It’s simply when you combine sex or sexuality with ideas of mindfulness and meditation. That can look different for different folks.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW, AASECT, certified sex therapist and sexologist at Lovehoney Group, defines sexual mediation like this: “Sexual meditation involves focusing on the present moment and being fully aware of sensations, emotions, and thoughts during sexual activity, whether solo or with a partner.”
Sexual meditation combines the practice of mindfulness and the concept of body awareness3 by focusing on breath and sensation without judgment. “It’s all about allowing yourself to exist and feel all the feels,” Howard says.
Brian Tierney, PhD, licensed psychologist at The Somatic Doctor, describes sexual meditation as a “presence practice,” or a type of body awareness discipline that enables a person to develop the capacity to perceive more and more pleasure. “The purpose is to take more delight in life, to experience the expansive pleasure of having a body-in-relationship,” he says.
“Sexual meditation can delightfully combine the benefits of a mindfulness practice—the training of the mind to remain present, usually by noticing how much it escapes to the past and future—with an expansion of body awareness so that every nook and cranny of the body can tingle with a maximum amount of pleasure from moment to moment,” Dr. Tierney adds.
Meditation and sexuality are more connected than many of us realize, says Howard. That’s because sexuality is not just about sexual pleasure or gratification. “Sexuality includes emotional, psychological, and social dimensions,” she says. “It’s a fluid aspect of human identity that incorporates our sexual preferences, desires, behaviors, and expressions.” and is influenced by not only biology but psychological and social factors as well.4
In other words, sex already has some aspects of mindfulness in it, because you can’t experience sexual pleasure without being attuned to your senses. What adding mindfulness does to the equation is that it can make sex all the more pleasurable. “The benefits of sexual meditation include enhanced arousal, desire, orgasm, and overall sexual well-being,” Howard describes.
Alright, let’s get down to business. How exactly can you integrate sexual meditation practices into your sex life?
First, it’s important to note that many people have complicated relationships with their bodies, which may be related to pain, past traumas, disability or body image concerns. For that reason, when practicing sexual meditation, it is important to move at a pace that feels comfortable to you. Second, sexual meditation and mindful body awareness is something you can do solo, or with a partner. It’s really up to you, and the techniques described below work in both instances. However you are doing it, Cress recommends starting by setting the mood. “To practice sexual meditation, one can begin by setting a calm, intentional environment free from distractions,” she advises.
Howard shared her top tips for getting started with your sexual meditation practice:
Howard suggests breathing slowly with your eyes closed, in through your mouth and out through your nose. “Place one hand on your belly and the other on your genital area, and as you breathe in and out, think of what would feel good, no judgment,” she explains. “It’s okay if you get a genital response, and it’s OK if you don’t.” You’re just here to feel and explore.
If you are with a partner, you can breathe together this way. “Then, you and your partner can place a hand on each other’s genitals while breathing together,” Howard suggests. Again, keep it a no judgment zone, just letting each other feel whatever you feel.
Mediative sex is usually by its nature, very slow—slow and intentional. This can be great for many people, but also has challenges. “This slow sensory experience can bring up different emotions and feelings,” Howard shares. “Some people laugh, some cry, some have the best orgasm they’ve ever had. Remember, this isn’t a time to judge yourself. This is a time to allow yourself to feel.”
Mindful sex is all about letting yourself lean into whatever sensation you are feeling, and just really feel them. Howard suggests paying attention to textures, temperature, and pressure.
Ask yourself questions like, “What does it feel like when you breathe in and out?” or “How does your or your partner’s genital area feel under or in your hand?”
Howard suggests slowly rubbing your hands over different body parts, placing your attention on skin texture and temperature. If you are with a partner, you can “use your mouth to tell your partner where to touch you,” Howard says. “Or use your hand to guide your partner to where you’d like them to touch you.”
Howard recommends sinking into each moment during sex, feeling each sensation deliberately. “During partnered sex, go slow and continue to focus on sensations,” Howard says. “Pay attention to sounds, smells, and tastes to keep you grounded in the moment.”
Often, this slowness means not rushing to “get off” or orgasm. “Practice edging or delaying orgasm at least three times and focus on the sensations only,” she suggests. Sometimes you may not end up orgasming at all, but often you will, and you may find that these orgasms are super intense and pleasurable.
Sexual mediation has numerous benefits—just take it from Dr. Tierney, a huge proponent of sexual meditation, both personally, and for his clients. For him, sexual meditation is about taking sex slowly, so that you can focus on each sensory moment.
“The simple story for me is that when I finally learned how to engage in slow sex, to truly divest from chasing orgasms, it felt like I lost my virginity again (seriously),” he shares.
Dr. Tierney also shared some client stories, which illustrate some of the benefits of integrating mediation and sexuality:
The research on the benefits of meditative sex mostly focuses on women, with several studies finding that women who meditate experience increase sexual function.5 The experts we spoke to say that sexual meditation isn’t just beneficial for women, and it doesn’t just make you have better sex or orgasms.
According to Cress, the benefits of sexual meditation include:
While sexual meditation may sound awesome on paper, but that doesn’t mean people won’t experience doubts or concerns.
One concern people have is that sex should not be a discipline—because the idea of discipline runs counter to the idea of sex and letting go, says Dr. Tierney. But this is a misconception, according to Dr. Tierney, and the benefits of the practice outweigh any doubts about intentionality or scheduling.
“This is a hang-up that should be left behind if you want to meet your pleasure and bliss potential together,” he says. If your goal is mind-blowing, sensual sex, you should know that it often takes practice and discipline, Dr. Tierney says.
Another question people have about sexual meditation is: “Am I doing it right?” Howard says that any suggestions about sexual meditations are just that—suggestions. You get to decide what feels right for your body, and what meditative sex means to you. “Explore to find out what works best for you,” Howard recommends.
Finally, people often feel concern that sexual meditation will take out the mystery behind sex or make it less spontaneous or romantic. But Cress says you don’t need to worry about that. “With guidance and practice, individuals often find that sexual meditation enhances rather than detracts from the natural flow of intimacy, helping them to become more present and connected,” she assures.
If you are looking to have more sensational sex—sex where all of your senses are awakened and on fire—sexual meditation might be just what you need. Sexual meditation is just what it sounds like: it means practicing mindfulness, intentionality, and bodily/emotional awareness during sexual acts.2 It’s not for everyone, but people who practice it often experience increased pleasure, deeper connection, and more meaningful sex.
Please contact a licensed mental health professional or a sex educator if you would like more information about sexual meditation or if you have general questions about sex and sexuality.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
By Michael Krivich
Am I the only one who thinks that, like every day, there is a new term to describe an individual’s gender or sexual identity? Using a tired old sports analogy, keeping a score without a scorecard is hard. That is what it seems like some days with the seemingly constant flow of new terms and definitions.
The genesis of this article was when, the other day, I read a news story about someone who claimed they were abrosexual. Being exposed to a new term, I needed to look it up to understand the content and context of what was written. My curiosity got me thinking about the multitude of terms and subsequent definitions used to describe someone’s sexual orientation and gender identification.
What I learned is that the language surrounding sexual and gender identity is constantly evolving and diverse, reflecting the complexity of human experiences. For transparency, I used OpenAI ChatGPT only for the terms and definitions in the research. It was a great time saver.
Let me be clear: I am not taking any political, religious, biblical, judgemental, or any other position regarding how a person identifies their gender or sexuality. That is their business, period, end discussion.
As a result, here are two lists of terms and definitions as a reference guide regarding gender and sexual identity as I write this article.
Gender Identity
Cisgender (cis): A person whose gender identity aligns with the sex assigned at birth.
Transgender (trans): A person whose gender identity differs from the sex assigned at birth.
Non-binary: A person whose gender identity doesn’t fit within the traditional binary categories of male or female.
Genderqueer: A term used by some individuals whose gender identity doesn’t conform to societal expectations of masculinity or femininity.
Genderfluid: A person’s gender identity may change over time or in different contexts.
Agender: A person who identifies as having no gender or as neutral.
Bigender: A person who identifies as having two gender identities simultaneously or at different times.
Gender nonconforming: A broad term for individuals whose gender expression doesn’t conform to societal norms.
Two-spirit: Some Indigenous North American cultures use the term to describe individuals who embody masculine and feminine qualities.
Demigender: A person whose gender identity is partially but not fully aligned with one’s assigned sex or with the binary gender system.
Pangender: A person whose gender identity encompasses all genders.
Androgynous: A person whose appearance and/or identity blends masculine and feminine characteristics. A non-binary gender identity that is neutral or null.
Gender questioning: A person who is exploring or questioning their gender identity.
Genderflux: A gender identity that fluctuates in intensity.
Intergender: A person whose gender identity is between or a combination of genders.
Multigender: A person who identifies with more than one gender.
Trigender: A person who shifts between three different gender identities.
Gender creative: A term often used for children whose gender expression or identity doesn’t conform to traditional norms.
Transmasculine: A term used to describe individuals who were assigned female at birth but identify more closely with masculinity.
Transfeminine: A term used to describe individuals who were assigned male at birth but identify more closely with femininity.
Sexual Identity
Heterosexual: Attracted to people of the opposite gender.
Homosexual: Attracted to people of the same gender.
Bisexual: Attracted to people of both genders.
Pansexual: Attracted to people regardless of their gender identity or biological sex.
Asexual: Experiencing little or no sexual attraction to others.
Demisexual: Experiencing sexual attraction only after forming a strong emotional bond with someone.
Queer: An umbrella term for sexual and gender minorities who are not heterosexual or cisgender. It can encompass a wide range of identities.
Polysexual: Attracted to multiple genders, but not necessarily all genders.
Fluid: A term used to describe a sexuality that is not fixed and may change over time.
Androsexual/Gynesexual: Attracted to masculinity/femininity regardless of gender identity.
Greysexual: Experiencing sexual attraction rarely or only under specific circumstances.
Lithsexual: Experiencing sexual attraction but not wanting it to be reciprocated.
Skoliosexual: Attracted to non-binary and transgender people.
Sapiosexual: Attracted to intelligence or intellect.
Autosexual: Finding oneself sexually attractive.
Ceterosexual: Attracted to non-binary people.
Reciprosexual: Experiencing sexual attraction only when it is reciprocated.
Abrosexuality: Describes individuals whose sexual orientation is fluid and may change over time or in different circumstances.
Omnisexuality: A sexual orientation in which a person is attracted to people of all genders, including men, women, nonbinary people, and other gender identities.
It’s important to note that this list is not exhaustive, and new terms and definitions may emerge as our understanding of gender and sexuality evolves. Additionally, individuals may have unique experiences and preferences when describing their gender identity.<
Now, you’ll understand what they are talking about. At least, I will, anyway.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Experiencing pain during or immediately after sexual activity—known as dyspareunia—is a condition affecting many women, yet it remains a topic often shrouded in silence. This medical issue, which can affect both physical and emotional well-being, is more common than many may realize. Understanding and addressing this condition is crucial for promoting overall sexual health and quality of life.
Dyspareunia can affect men and women, but it’s more common in women. Pain during or after sex can affect about 10–20% of women in the U.S. This may be a low estimate, though, as many women don’t seek medical help for painful sex and therefore underreporting is likely.
“Dyspareunia is any time women report pain with intercourse,” Dr. Savells said, noting it can also “be defined as anytime there is pain with sexual activity because that doesn’t always involve a partner.”
It is typically painful during sex but can also “include time immediately following that, so in the next several minutes, not a day or two later. That would be something else,” she explained.
“Symptoms can be external irritation—around the clitoris or around the opening of the vagina—but a lot of the time it is inside the vagina,” Dr. Savells said. “And that can be with initial contact or foreplay, or it can be with penetration.
“Some patients can even specifically differentiate the difference between pain that occurs as soon as a partner tries to enter versus that which occurs from deep thrusting,” she added. “Being able to provide these kinds of details to your doctor can help them determine the cause.”
“The causes of dyspareunia include the thinning of skin and lack of estrogen that both occur with aging as women go through menopause,” Dr. Savells said. “This is very common. Probably about 40% of all menopausal women say they have difficulty with their intercourse, their intimacy.
“That can be due to both vaginal atrophy—which is thinning of the skin—and it can also be due to vaginal dryness,” she added. “A lot of women have both of those, but they are two distinct problems.”
“Patients who have pain with intercourse can also have muscle spasms in the muscles around the vaginal wall. These muscle spasms can cause pain with sex but can also be a cause of chronic pelvic pain that is unrelated to intimacy,” Dr. Savells said. “If they’ve had a painful intercourse experience in the past, it can cause them to be tense because there’s fear that pain will occur again.”
“It can be due to just stress and anxiety. Or it can be due to post-traumatic stress disorder from a previous traumatic event, such as assault or rape,” she said. Vaginismus, which is an involuntary tensing of the vagina that is often experienced at the start of sex, while inserting a tampon or while getting a pelvic exam, is another reason.
“Some patients can also have pain with sexual activity due to a skin condition called vestibulitis, which is an irritation of the skin at the posterior portion of the vaginal opening,” Dr. Savells added. “Unlike several of the other skin changes which can cause sex to be painful, this condition is often treated with surgery instead of topical creams.”
“Less commonly, some patients can have scar tissue from previous surgeries to their labia or their vagina. And yet another cause for dyspareunia can be an enlarged uterine fibroid, which can also cause pain with intercourse,” she said. “There are even some bladder conditions that can cause pain with intercourse.”
Additionally, “some patients as they get older will have something called vaginal stenosis or vaginal narrowing and the same vagina that worked with that partner 10, 15 years ago is now too small,” Dr. Savells said, noting patients will say, “I’ve got the same partner, why don’t we fit together anymore?”
“It’s because the vagina is actually getting smaller,” Dr. Savells said.
Dyspareunia is also common for women post-pregnancy if they had a traumatic vaginal birth or issues with prolapse.
“Stress, anxiety and depression can all cause patients to have difficulty with the arousal component of their sexual function,” Dr. Savells said. “But as far as pain goes, a lot of times that’s due to the dryness.”
For example, “a lot of patients with cancer will have dryness due to their chemotherapy or other treatments they’ve had,” she said. “If patients have had pelvic radiation for uterine cancer or cervical cancer, they may have dryness and pain due to that.
“They may have scar tissue due to that, but even patients who’ve had chemotherapy for nongynecologic reasons can have a lot of vaginal dryness as a side effect of their medication,” Dr. Savells said.
“There are a lot of things that we can do to help patients who are having pain with sex. I don’t ever want anybody to feel like it’s their fault or they’ve created the problem,” Dr. Savells said. One of the most- common causes is “when a woman is having problems because they are estrogen-deficient. Lack of estrogen is the definition of menopausal and for most women, that is about 50 years old.
“But there are also much younger women who are also estrogen-deficient; if they have had an early hysterectomy or if they have had breast cancer and had to have their ovaries taken out,” she added. “For most women who are estrogen deficient, the primary thing we start with is estrogen cream. There are women with contraindications to estrogen therapy, however, so it is essential for patients to consult with their physician about whether or not this is appropriate for their individual situation.”
“If your vagina is out of estrogen, you just add back more estrogen. And for a lot of women that is very effective and fixes their problem,” Dr. Savells said. “There are also nonhormonal therapies for vaginal dryness and vaginal atrophy, so we have options even for those women who cannot take estrogen replacement too.”
For example, Dr. Savells’ practice has a MonaLisa Touch laser, which she said is “super effective.”
“Mona Lisa Touch treatments include lasering of the vaginal tissue and the tissue that surrounds the vaginal opening on the outside. As a result, all the skin in the treated area becomes thicker and stronger. This helps those women lubricate more-naturally when they become aroused, and also reduces the microscopic tears which cause many women to feel a burning sensation after sex,” she said. “For both pre-menopausal or estrogen deficient women, these treatments can be very beneficial. For patients who have vaginal spasms, pelvic floor therapy is helpful for them.
“But therapy is not a quick fix,” Dr. Savells added. “For immediate help, sometimes those patients will get injections into the muscles around the vagina to help relax those muscles so that they don’t spasm and have so much pain.”
“We also utilize compounding pharmacies to make vaginal suppositories that have muscle relaxers in them to help relax those muscles,” she said. “And sometimes patients will insert a vaginal suppository with a muscle relaxer in it a little while ahead of when they anticipate intercourse might happen. That will help relax them a little bit so that they don’t have as much discomfort.”
“For someone who has a condition called vestibulitis, which is a specific type of irritation in the skin at the posterior portion of the vaginal opening, surgery is necessary. Fortunately, this is a relatively minor procedure and simply involves excision of superficial skin in the affected area,” Dr. Savells said. “Sometimes I’ll see patients who just need a little bit of help, they’ve just had a little bit of narrowing and a very short course of dilator therapy, from four to six weeks, gets them back to where they want to be.”
Dilator therapy is a treatment that is used to gently stretch and expand your vaginal tissue over time. This improves its elasticity and reduces the pain you may feel during sexual intercourse.
“If your pain with intercourse is due to uterine prolapse or the uterus falling down, then a hysterectomy may be necessary,” she said.
“Lots of women feel insufficient in their relationship at home. A lot of women feel less sexy or attractive and it causes significant relationship conflict in some households,” Dr. Savells said. “So, it’s kind of the chicken-and-the-egg discussion.”
“For some people, the anxiety, stress, a previous trauma, history of PTSD can lead to pain with intercourse,” she said. “And then for some patients, some other medical condition was the initial culprit of the pain with intercourse.
“But because of that, now they have anxiety or depression or feel like they’re less than,” Dr. Savells added.
“I’m a huge fan of pelvic floor physical therapy,” Dr. Savells said, noting that “physical therapy is great for patients whose pelvis floor muscles have gotten too relaxed as they get older and they may be having urine leakage, some stress incontinence, things like that.
“But it’s just as helpful for patients whose muscles are too tight, which is really where it plays into this discussion,” she added. “So, those patients with vaginismus—where they have lots and lots of tension in their pelvic floor muscles—a physical therapist is good at helping them learn to relax those muscles.”
“We don’t pick how we exhibit our anxiety or our stress or our attention and some patients just tend to have a lot of tightness in their pelvic floor muscles just like other patients report neck tightness or stiffness,” Dr. Savells explained. “A physical therapist can help patients learn to isolate those muscles—it’s not intuitively obvious—and help them learn to be intentional about relaxing those pelvic floor muscles.”
If dyspareunia is treated appropriately, the pain “shouldn’t recur as long as the patient is continuing their treatment,” Dr. Savells said. “Patients have had really good success. If they get the right diagnosis and the right treatment, most of them don’t have problems again as long as they maintain their therapy.”
For example, some “menopausal women will use their estrogen cream, get better and then feel like they are cured, and they will quit using their cream. Then a year later the problem comes back,” she said. “In the beginning it’s hard to convince people this is a chronic thing. This is your new normal.”
“If you surveyed thousands of women, about 40% of them across the board will say that they have concerns about their sexual function,” Dr. Savells said. “But a lot of times, especially in younger women, they have concerns that their body isn’t quite normal because of what they’re comparing themselves to or their partner is telling them that their sex drive is not as good as it should be, that their frequency of intercourse is not as good as he would like for it to be.”
“A lot of their concern about their sex life has to do with setting realistic expectations for them, reassuring them that their anatomy is normal, that their sexual frequency is in fact normal despite what television or social media tells them,” she said. “So, about 40% of women will say that they have sexual concerns, but only 15% of women have true sexual dysfunction, which means it’s interfering with their ability to perform—they can’t have intercourse, they don’t enjoy intercourse.”
“If someone’s doing dilator therapy, that can involve a partner. If you’re doing marital therapy or sex therapy, obviously those involve a partner,” Dr. Savells said, noting “sometimes partners are affected by a woman’s treatment course in other ways, although not directly involved. If a patient requires gynecological surgery for her painful intercourse, then she will be required to abstain from sexual activity for a period of four to six weeks. This is a great opportunity for a partner to be emotionally supportive of her feelings and sexual health.”
“It’s important to include them in the communication so that they understand why this is hurting. A lot of times, it’s often important for patients to reassure their partner that it’s not you,” she said. “Men are often very affected by this problem as well because as soon as the woman is feeling pain, she’s withdrawing a little bit and not as eager to initiate sexual contact. … So, it very much becomes a problem for both of them.”
“This should be something that your gynecologist is super comfortable having a conversation about,” Dr. Savells said, noting that “I probably have this conversation multiple times every day, so don’t be embarrassed.”
“Your gynecologist should be super comfortable talking to you about your sex life, the parts that are good, the parts that are bad, the parts that need improvement,” she said. “We have lots of options for how to help.”
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