Low libido, intercourse pain, orgasm problems?

— Sexual-health doctors are trying to help

Some Canadian doctors aim to address what they call near-total lack of support for women’s sexual health

By Brandie Weikle

A small number of Canadian doctors specializing in women’s sexual health are trying to address what they say is a near-total lack of support for those suffering from common problems such as low libido, difficulty achieving orgasm and pain during intercourse.

“In terms of the juxtaposition with men’s sexual functioning, we are behind and it’s really frustrating,” said Dr. Stephanie Finn of Oakville, Ont.

Finn is one of five Canadian doctors trained by the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH), based in Burnsville, Minn.

While help for male sexual dysfunction has been widely available since erectile dysfunction drug Viagra burst onto the scene — approved for use in Canada in 1999 — women’s sexual health has remained largely shrouded in secrecy.

“When’s the last time your doctor has asked you about your clitoris? Like never, and that’s fascinating, right? We ask men all the time about their penises and their function, sexual functioning and such,” she told White Coat, Black Art.

I think that there is generally a lack everywhere of interest in women’s sexual functioning, and I’m happy to say that I think that’s beginning to change.”

A woman stands in front of an exam chair in a doctor's office.
Dr. Stephanie Finn is a family doctor focusing on women’s sexual medicine.

Originally a family doctor, Finn found that so many of her female patients needed help with sexual issues that she decided to focus on sexual medicine, opening her clinic about a year ago.

Part of that work is simply teaching women about their bodies, she says.

“It is really common for women to have almost no understanding of their own anatomy,” Finn said.

“I’ve had women who really haven’t a good idea about where their clitoris is. I’ve had people say, ‘Oh, I’ve always wondered,’ and sometimes I’m slightly surprised by that response in women who are in their 50s.”

Finn offers her patients the option of holding a mirror while she gives them a guided tour of their genitalia. Or she’ll use a 3D model to show patients things such as how the clitoris is actually a wishbone-shaped organ, with only the clitoral bulb visible externally.

An illustration of the parts of the vulva.
Parts of the vulva.

A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2023 found that the bulb has around 10,000 nerve endings. That’s compared to about 7,800 at the tip of the penis, according to a paper published in the same journal in February.

A culture of shame

Some of that knowledge gap and reluctance among women to seek help for sexual-health issues is tied to cultural shame, says Dr. Stephanie Hart from Okotoks, Alta., another ISSWSH-trained family doctor.

In North America, vaginas are dirty. Like, I actually had somebody say that to me yesterday,” said Hart, who opened her specialized clinic in 2019.

For some women, that’s simply because they are grossed out by bodily fluids, including those that come out of the vagina, she says.

An exam chair inside a doctor's office.
A chair used for gynecological exams in Finn’s clinic. Many women are uncomfortable with speaking openly about sexual health.

But for others, it’s a morality issue: “You know, ‘sex is shameful.’ That’s a very common attitude that I see people [have]. And kind of unsurprising that people would then have sexual dysfunction when they feel that way about it.”

Despite people’s difficulty talking about their sex lives, these clinics are busy. Hart says she sees 250 new patients every year in her practice, 75 to 80 per cent of them being women, but is referred around 400.

“So every six months, I’m another three months behind.”

Finn said she sees about 15 new patients every week at her Oakville clinic.

A model of a vulva.
Finn often shows her patients a model of a vulva to help familiarize them with their own anatomy.

Most Canadian women do not have access to a doctor who specializes in sexual health. Existing clinics where women have traditionally sought care for sexual health are focused on contraception and infection, says Hart.

These kinds of clinics refer patients to her when they bring up difficulties like pain during sex or low libido, Hart says, as do specialists such as gynecologists.

Help for low libido

Carolina Jara, 57, says she used to be a very sexual person, but since menopause, her libido has tanked.

“My libido went somewhere. I don’t know, maybe back home,” joked Jara, who is originally from Peru but lives in Vancouver.

She says she’s worried about how that can impact her relationship with her husband of eight years. And that part is not a laughing matter.

A close-up of a woman with white earrings and a red top.
Carolina Jara, 57, says she used to be a very sexual person — but now, she is suffering from low libido.

“He still wants it, but I don’t get ignited, I don’t get an orgasm for many years. So it feels more like a duty, more than something that I enjoy.”

There are two medications approved for use in Canada that can be used to increase sexual desire in women: a pill called flibanserin, and a self-injectable called bremelanotide.

Unlike Viagra, which is used on an as-needed basis and acts by increasing blood flow to the penis, both of these drugs impact the brain chemicals that influence mood and sexual appetite. Flibanserin must be taken daily and has been shown to have serious potential side effects.

A pink pill is seen on a piece of paper that shows part of the Sprout Pharmaceuticals logo.
Flibanserin, pictured above, is one of two medications approved in Canada that can be used to increase sexual desire in women.

Critics have argued that libido problems are more a matter of mismatch between the sexual appetites of partners that would be better addressed with relationship counselling.

A non-medical tool for addressing low libido or difficulty achieving orgasm is a class of sex toys sometimes referred to as clitoral suction devices.

“We have wonderful studies actually now showing improved clitoral blood flow and pelvic floor blood flow using these devices,” Finn said. “We know they can make a huge difference for women when they are attempting to achieve orgasm.”

Pain during sex

But sexual-health issues are by no means the exclusive domain of older women, says Finn, whose patients range in age from teenagers to octogenarians.

Talia Steele, 34, suffered for years from pain during sex, stemming from a series of problems that started with a common urinary tract infection.

Woman with shoulder-length curly hair smiles at the camera.
Talia Steele says she had some early negative experiences with male doctors and felt her problems weren’t treated with sensitivity.

Eventually she got surgery to address the issues. But all the poking and prodding, and her history of painful sex, has had lasting effects.

“There’s always that bit of anxiety, never being able to be fully in the moment, always in your head about what’s going on,” said Steele, who is married and also lives in Vancouver.

“Even though I don’t have that pain, those feelings and thoughts still enter my brain at times, and it can be challenging to try new things or come out of my comfort zone.”

Greater Victoria’s Sex Lady discusses sexual health and how teaching it has evolved

One of the challenges with getting care for women’s sexual-health issues is that there’s no established medical specialty for them.

“You take these women with pain [during] sex, for example, and you send them to the gynecologist who would say, ‘Well, it’s not endometriosis,’” Hart said. That might be the end of the road if the doctor doesn’t know about other options that might help.

Hart says she’s on a mission to teach other doctors how to help, starting with asking patients the right questions.

“Like, actually ask if somebody has pain with sex and then know what to do about it if the person says yes. Because patients won’t always volunteer the information if they don’t know that there’s something that can be done.”

Complete Article HERE!

12 Foods to Cure Premature Ejaculation

By Geoffrey C. Whittaker

If you’ve ever searched for information about sexual dysfunction and diet, you may have come across lists of foods that cause premature ejaculation. These lists often contain the usual culprits, from foods high in sugar and simple carbohydrates to fatty foods, artificial ingredients and others.

While your diet can impact your sexual health, there isn’t currently any scientific evidence that specific foods directly contribute to premature ejaculation.

Below, we’ve also explained why you shouldn’t feel any need to avoid specific foods if you’re prone to premature ejaculation and covered your options for treating PE and enjoying a more fulfilling, satisfying sex life.

Premature ejaculation, or PE, is a common form of sexual dysfunction that’s estimated to affect between 20 and 30 percent of men of all ages and backgrounds.

Experts aren’t yet aware of the precise causes of premature ejaculation, but they believe a variety of biological and psychological factors may play a role.

  • Biological factors that could be involved in PE include abnormal levels of specific hormones and neurotransmitters, such as serotonin, prolactin, luteinizing hormone (LH) and thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH).  Inflammation that affects the prostate and/or urethra may also play a role.
  • From a psychological perspective, issues such as anxiety, depression, stress, poor body image, worries about sexual performance, feelings of guilt, relationship problems or a history of sexual abuse or repression may all play a role in the development of PE.

Experts believe that these two common issues might be linked through your behavior. For example, men with erectile dysfunction due to hormonal issues might feel extra performance anxiety during sex, causing them to rush to avoid losing their erections.

In short, identifying the cause of PE is, well, a little complicated. Currently, there’s no clear, single “cause of PE” that most guys can point to as the culprit.

Want to learn more about PE? Our complete guide to premature ejaculation explains everything you need to know about this common sexual performance issue, from causes and symptoms to the latest research on PE treatments.

Currently, no research suggests that specific types of food play any direct role in the development of premature ejaculation, but there’s a caveat to this statement.

Food itself isn’t on the list of potential PE causes, but your diet may impact hormone levels, hinder sperm count, make your mental health worse or — if it’s affecting your weight — make you self-conscious during every sexual experience.

So, while PE is about more than diet, you might want to consider cutting down on consuming high volumes of certain food items.

The idea that eating junk food, starchy foods or foods with certain “bad” ingredients causes premature ejaculation doesn’t appear to be backed up by any science.

With this said, there is a direct link between diet and some aspects of your health that can affect your performance in bed.

It should come as no surprise that the healthier you are in general, the better certain aspects of your sexual capacity will be.

This is because sexual function and performance, at least in men, are closely linked to hormonal and cardiovascular health.

As a man, sex hormones like testosterone play a key role in regulating your sex drive. Healthy levels of testosterone are associated with a high level of interest in sex, while low testosterone levels are linked to decreases in your libido.

Likewise, your cardiovascular system plays a vital role in blood circulation, which is essential for maintaining erections. Many ED drugs — such as PDE5 inhibitors — work by increasing blood flow to your penis, resulting in stronger, easier-to-get erections.

So, how does your diet fit into this? Although the specific foods you eat aren’t likely to cause or worsen premature ejaculation directly, your diet does affect certain aspects of your health that are related to sexual function and performance.

For example, heart disease is a known risk factor for erectile dysfunction. Eating a balanced, healthy diet can reduce your risk of developing cardiovascular disease, which may lower your ED risk and improve your sexual health by enhancing blood flow throughout your body.

Other research also suggests that high consumption of junk food and low consumption of food rich in nutrients are associated with low testosterone levels in men.

In other words, unhealthy eating habits don’t directly cause sexual performance issues like PE and ED, but they may contribute to them indirectly by affecting your general health and well-being.

In the limited sense that PE can result from your diet, some foods may benefit your sexual experience. While they won’t directly affect or “cure” premature ejaculation, they can improve issues that might be contributing to PE.

The best foods to help you perform better and potentially manage premature ejaculation are:

  1. Dark chocolate
  2. Blueberries
  3. Avocados
  4. Fatty fish
  5. Banana
  6. Honey
  7. Watermelon
  8. Pomegranate
  9. Beets
  10. Garlic
  11. Oysters
  12. Nuts

1. Dark Chocolate

Dark chocolate isn’t just healthier because it contains fewer sweeteners — it’s also a great source of magnesium, zinc and other essential nutrients. Although research is limited, one small study suggests that low magnesium levels may be involved in premature ejaculation. Other magnesium-rich foods include pumpkin seeds, almonds, spinach, black beans, potato, rice and edamame.

2. Blueberries

Blueberries contain many essential vitamins, minerals and antioxidants. They also contain flavonoids, and foods rich in flavonoids are associated with lower rates of sexual dysfunction and better sexual performance.

3. Avocados

Avocados promote better cardiovascular health and blood flow thanks to their vitamin E and healthy fat content.

Avocado consumption is also associated with better metabolic function, meaning consuming avocados can make you less likely to develop obesity — a significant factor in erectile dysfunction.

4. Fatty Fish

Fatty fish — like tuna, salmon and mackerel — are incredibly high in omega-3 fatty acids, which are beneficial for heart health and help manage blood pressure and prevent cardiovascular disease. They also contain zinc, which encourages healthier blood flow in your blood vessels, including the ones in your genitals that help you get an erection.

5. Bananas

Bananas are potassium-rich fruits that benefit the heart, nerves and muscles. Cardiovascular health and muscle and nerve function are essential to sexual function and stamina.

Oh, and there’s a link between high blood pressure and potassium deficiency, so bananas may also help keep hypertension in check.

6. Honey

If you’re looking for a sweetener for your foods that can also naturally protect your sexual function, look no further than honey. Honey’s natural sugars for energy may improve mental well-being. It may also play a protective role in cardiovascular and sexual health, according to some research.

7. Watermelon

Watermelon is rich in citrulline — an amino acid your body turns into arginine, which helps relax the blood vessels to improve blood flow.

Watermelon also contains lycopene — an amino acid that may fight cancer and help people manage their weight — so it might help prevent high blood pressure and other medical conditions related to sexual dysfunction.

8. Pomegranate

Pomegranate is loaded with beneficial antioxidants that can improve the health of your blood vessels, among other health benefits. While more research is needed, one study from 2007 looked at 53 men and found reason to believe that pomegranate may also increase libido and erectile function.

9. Beets

Beets contain nitrates, which can lower your blood pressure. That makes them healthy for people with hypertension, but also a sort of natural Viagra.

10. Garlic

Garlic is great for sexual intercourse because it contains compounds like allicin, which improves blood vessel dilation and increases nitric oxide production.

11. Oysters

You’ve likely heard of the oyster’s aphrodisiac reputation — did you suspect it was true? Oysters are rich in zinc, which is important for the production of the testosterone required for most of your sexual function and desire. Just know that zinc deficiency is very uncommon, so you may not need the supplementation.

12. Nuts

While a handful of trail mix only helps your stamina while hiking, the omega-3 fatty acids and zinc in nuts and seeds contribute to cardiovascular health. They support sexual performance by helping maintain blood flow through the blood vessels of your penis and elsewhere.

Your diet doesn’t have to be the only treatment you use for PE, and home remedies are not the limits of treatment options for premature ejaculation.

Most of the time, you can treat premature ejaculation using a mix of over-the-counter treatments, lifestyle changes, behavioral therapies and, if necessary, prescription PE medication.

Here are some tips on putting all of these treatments into practice.

Eat a Balanced Diet

While making changes to your diet is unlikely to suddenly resolve your premature ejaculation, a good daily diet can have a positive impact on your overall health, sexual function and quality of life.

Try to eat a balanced diet that contains lots of nutrient-rich foods. Our lists of good foods for ED prevention and increasing testosterone levels discuss specific ingredients that you may want to prioritize for your general sexual health.

Use Behavioral Techniques to Delay Ejaculation

Sometimes, making minor changes to the way you have sex can help you delay orgasm and avoid ejaculating too early. Two popular techniques for treating PE are the stop-start technique, which involves temporarily stopping the sexual activity as you feel orgasm approaching, and the squeeze technique, which involves squeezing near the tip of your penis to delay orgasm.

Kegel exercises (exercises that work the pelvic floor muscles) have also been shown to improve sexual function and penile stamina and reduce the symptoms of sexual problems.

Try Topical PE Treatments

Premature ejaculation can often be treated with topical creams and sprays, such as our Delay Spray for Men and Clockstopper Climax Delay Wipes.

Topical treatments for PE work by reducing sensitivity without numbing your penis too much. This helps make the physical sensation of sex less overwhelming, allowing you to last longer after penetration.

Our guide to lidocaine spray for premature ejaculation goes into more detail about how topical sprays work, their effectiveness, potential side effects and more.

Consider Prescription Medication

Although there aren’t any FDA-approved medications specifically for premature ejaculation, some antidepressants are commonly prescribed off-label as premature ejaculation pills.

For example, the antidepressants sertraline and paroxetine are both commonly used off-label to delay orgasm and treat premature ejaculation.

These medications work by increasing the amount of serotonin in your body. Research suggests that serotonin inhibits ejaculation, meaning it slows down the process of reaching orgasm during sex.

Our guide to using sertraline for premature ejaculation explains more about how SSRIs can help to slow down ejaculation and increase your sexual stamina.

Contrary to popular belief, there’s no convincing scientific evidence that shows that certain types of food speed up orgasm and contribute to premature ejaculation.

However, an unhealthy diet and lifestyle can affect your overall health, which may increase your risk of some sexual disorders. If you’re among the many men affected by PE, try to eat a healthy diet and maintain a balanced, active general lifestyle.

Our range of premature ejaculation treatments includes proven options for dealing with PE more directly, such as wipes, sprays and prescription medications available online after a consultation with a licensed healthcare professional.

Complete Article HERE!

Talk dirty to me with Dr. Carol Queen

By Myisha Battle

How do I talk dirty? Are people actually having safe oral sex? How can I explore dating and sexuality in my 60s?

Dr. Carol Queen is an author, sex-positive activist, and the staff sexologist at Good Vibes. This week she joins Myisha to take on your questions about dirty talk, anilingus, and exploring dating and sexuality in your 60s. Plus, hear which of your dating horror stories left us truly mortified.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

 

Your pelvic floor might be impacting your orgasms, here’s how

By DAISY HENRY

Keep that good thing going.

If there was a way to achieve better orgasms, would you take it? Sure, sex and pleasure shouldn’t always be about the big ‘O’ (in fact, there’s a solid case for rethinking that approach completely), but the temptation surely remains.

Stressed? Orgasm. Horny? Orgasm. Tired? Orgasm. Whether it’s self-inflicted or delivered to you by someone else, it’s a great cure for many of life’s woes. In fact, a mind-bending, head-exploding orgasm has to be high up there with one of the finer things.

When you hear the term pelvic floor, your mind likely jumps straight ahead to Kegels. More often than not, Kegels are heralded are the no-nonsense, fast-tracked way to improve your orgasms and have better sex.

While they seem simple enough (i.e. you can do them sitting at your desk and no one will know), I find the idea of doing constant Kegel reps throughout my day a bit much. According to Heather Foord, women’s health specialist and founder of Core Restore, a pelvic floor and core clinic, there’s a lot more you can do to help strengthen and relax your pelvic floor and ultimately achieve better orgasms. Below, Heather walks us through the basics.

What are we talking about when we say ‘pelvic floor’?

Here’s the kicker. For a muscle group that’s so important, we can get so confused about ‘what’ and ‘where’ the pelvic floor is because we can’t see it. The pelvic floor is the shape of a basin. It connects to each side of your pelvis and then connects to the pubic bone at the front and the tailbone at the back.

Its number one job is to support your pelvic organs and support the holes you have ‘down there’. So, for those of us with vulvas, it provides a framework around your urethra (where you wee), your vagina and your bowel. And, contrary to popular belief, the pelvic floor affects so much more than how you wee.

Does a stronger pelvic floor equal stronger orgasms?

In short, yes. Research shows us that women with stronger pelvic floor muscles have higher sexual function and increased levels of desire, arousal and orgasm. The female orgasm starts with the pelvic floor contracting and relaxing in a rhythmic fashion. That’s where the ‘waves of pleasure’ that women describe stem from.

The contractions of the pelvic floor can number anywhere from one to 20 or even more. We all want longer, stronger orgasms, right? So, we want to make sure the pelvic floor has all the strength and endurance it can to keep that good thing going.

And, it’s not just about your orgasm. If you’re partaking in penetrative sex with a partner, the pelvic floor muscles can play a key role in their pleasure too (talk about a multitasker). So, when you climax, the pelvic floor closes and relaxes around the vagina and anus, enhancing the sensation for your plus one.

For those of you with a penis, the pelvic floor is also key when it comes to sexual function. Weak muscles can make it tricky to get or maintain an erection and it can lead to premature ejaculation. These muscles are important for the male orgasm, as their job is to contract during climax to eject the semen from the body.

How might your pelvic floor negatively affect your orgasms?

The first and most obvious way is that if your pelvic floor is weak, the orgasm contractions are likely to be weak so it may be harder to reach orgasm – and if you eventually do, it tends to be a bit of a ‘blah’ orgasm.

But, like any muscle, your pelvic floor can also be too tight. An overly tight pelvic floor (or hypertonic as we say in the health industry) can mean it’s also really hard to achieve orgasm because the muscles are so tight and tired from being switched on all the time, they have no more energy to contract further to get you to climax. This can also lead to painful sex and even pain after orgasm (which is called dysorgasmia).

What other exercises can I do that aren’t Kegels?

If you’re like me and struggle to remember your Kegels, don’t stress – there are other ways to strengthen your pelvic floor! And, if you’re overly tight? There are stretches you can do to help your pelvic floor relax, too. If you’re looking to work on strength, try exercises like the goblet squat, marching bridge and bird dog. If you want to relax your muscles, try a child’s pose, mermaid pose and reclined butterfly sit.

My biggest tip is to get to know your own body and reach out for help. Sex, libido and orgasms are dependent on so many different things. It can be related to your physical function (i.e. pelvic floor), or it can be impacted by stress levels, hormones, lifestyle… the list goes on.

Whether it’s lack of libido, painful sex, struggle to climax, struggles with erections or vaginal laxity, know that you’re not alone and there are so many health professionals here to help. In the Core clinics, we use technology to treat pelvic floor weakness in less than three weeks, but if you can’t make it to a clinic and want to find someone local, get in touch.

Complete Article HERE!

Masturbation May Help With Menopause Symptoms

“Self-pleasure offers an effective, accessible tool.”

By

With symptoms like hot flashes, trouble sleeping, and vaginal dryness in the mix, menopause can be a difficult experience for many women. However, there are treatment options available, including hormone therapy and lifestyle tweaks. Now, new research has pinpointed a lifestyle hack that can help women struggling with symptoms of menopause: masturbation.

That’s the major takeaway from early research released by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University on September 16. Of course, this is an unusual treatment plan and it’s understandable to have questions about how, exactly, this all works. Here’s what’s behind all of this.

Meet the expert: Women’s health expert Jennifer Wider, MD.

What did researchers find?

Researchers, who conducted the surveys in partnership with in partnership with sexual wellbeing company the Lovehoney Group and its Womanizer brand, did so over two phases. The first phase surveyed 1,500 American adults between the ages of 18 and 88 to look at overall public knowledge about menopause. In phase two, the scientists surveyed 1,500 women between the ages of 40 and 65 to learn more about their experiences with menopause.

In the first phase, the researchers found that more than 75 percent of women knew that menopause was the permanent end of having a period. However, they also discovered that very few women would identify the symptoms of menopause.

In phase 2, the researchers discovered that 36.2 percent of women going through menopause said that they had an improvement in their symptoms when they masturbated. But while one in 10 women said they used self-pleasure as the main way they coped with menopausal symptoms, 46 percent of women said they would be open to trying masturbation to relieve their symptoms if it was recommended by a healthcare provider.

Can masturbation relieve menopause symptoms?

It’s important to point out that the researchers didn’t explore whether masturbation can relieve symptoms of menopause. Instead, they found that some women said it helped with their symptoms. (But this wasn’t studied in a lab or anything.)

That said, there are some theories on why this could help. “Masturbation has been shown to improve mood, improve sleep, and promote vaginal health,” says women’s health expert Jennifer Wider, MD. “This is why it may help alleviate some of the symptoms of menopause.”

By the way, Wider says that having an orgasm via sex may create similar results in some women. “In others who are experiencing vaginal dryness, intercourse will be painful and getting to the point of orgasm may be difficult and not have the same desired results,” she adds.

“This survey shows self-pleasure offers an effective, accessible tool for menopausal symptom relief, which is important to integrate with existing care strategies,” said Cynthia Graham, PhD, senior scientist at the Kinsey Institute, added in a statement.

Do doctors recommend masturbation for menopause?

As of now, it’s not common for doctors to recommend masturbation for menopause. However, it’s worth noting that five percent of the women surveyed by the Kinsey Institute said that their doctors suggested masturbation as a possible way to manage their symptoms. So, clearly some doctors are recommending it.

Ultimately, Wider says this is worth trying if you’re interested. “This is a risk-free recommendation and has little downside— and it has potential to alleviate some unwanted menopausal symptoms,” she says.

Complete Article HERE!

I stopped having sex like a capitalist

— You should try it

“Now, at 29, with years of orgasm-chasing one night stands, toxic relationships and unlearning under my belt, I think I finally get it.”

By Laura Roscioli

I used to have so much energy for all kinds of sex. One night stands. Crazy kinks. All-nighters with an unexpected participant. Couples, friends, people from the internet. I think it was because it was all a bit of a mystery. I was figuring out what I liked, my sexuality, my boundaries. But I was also figuring out what it meant to be a sexual woman in a male dominated world. I was in an era of understanding how my sexuality could be empowering, rather than something that decreases my value.

I feel we’re not really told enough about sex, especially as women. We’re not taught to ask for what we want, we’re not really sure what the norm is… we just feel a lot of pressure to look a certain way and be into certain things, without asking ‘why?’. It was a lot to learn but it gave me the energy to engage with sex in a somewhat surface-level and self-focused way.

As I’ve grown into myself, my relationship with sex has changed so much. I don’t have the energy for sex that doesn’t make me feel safe and grounded. I very rarely feel that animalistic desire to consume sex to satiate a need to figure it – and myself – out, because I’m not aiming for this unachievable pinnacle of orgasm anymore. It’s not a mystery I need to solve to have good sex. But it used to be.

Back in my one night stand days, orgasms felt like the headline act. That everything I — and the person I was in bed with — did, was in the lead up to the orgasm. There were different ways to get there, of course, but really, sex was all about cumming.

It’s a lot of pressure to fully let go and have a wild, mind-bending experience in an intimate setting with someone you hardly know, in the unquestioned effort to reach an orgasm. But it’s always been part of the criteria of doing sex ‘successfully’.

“We’ve come to define ‘good sex’ as achieving an orgasm mostly through the way sex is sold to us,” says sex therapist, Aleks Trkulja. “We’ll often see porn, film and TV scenes that portray a ‘good’ sexual experience as one where people are ejaculating and orgasming.”

Aleks thinks there’s an element of capitalist mentality within it too, where even in sex, we have to “always be producing and achieving and if we’re not, we feel that somehow we’ve failed”. This rings so true to my early experiences with sex. If I wasn’t able to cum or, worse still, I wasn’t able to make the person I was intimate with cum, I felt like I hadn’t done it right.

“There’s this deeply entrenched capitalist attitude, even within a space like sex, that truthfully has no real agenda or criteria of what it should and shouldn’t look like. This pressure is damaging and creates performance anxiety.”

This is why sex can feel stressful. It’s like we’re working towards this goal we don’t really understand and it actually takes us out of the moment and into our heads, making the experience less enjoyable.

And it also becomes boring over time. If each time you have sex with someone new, you’re trying to achieve that same thing in a different way, it can feel predictable. Like, not this again! Not another night of me wondering if I’m good enough at giving blowjobs because they didn’t orgasm from it. Not another night of feeling someone figure out how they’re best going to conquer my body and give me “the best orgasm” I’ve ever had.

By the time I was single again after my previous long-term relationship, I was so done with all of that. I didn’t feel horny for sex unless it was going to be a relaxing, fun and energising experience. To me, that was what I’d come to decide good sex was.

Aleks defines good sex as “a sexually intimate experience you have with consenting adults, where you feel safe and your pleasure is prioritised”. A space that has allowed you to have “an embodied, grounded, enjoyable and curious time”.

“That definition is really important,” she says.  “A lot of people assume good sex means you had multiple orgasms, your dick was rock hard the entire time etc. And it actually has very little to do with function and more to do with how safe and present you feel in your body. That you’re enjoying what you’re doing with yourself or with other people.”

Now, at 29, with years of orgasm-chasing one night stands, toxic relationships and unlearning under my belt, I think I finally get it.

You could literally just be lying down with someone, your clothes off and being stroked in a way that makes you tingle all over: that is good sex. If you’re able to create an environment that makes you feel sexually attuned with yourself, where you feel able to explore free of judgment, where you feel turned on without having to think too hard, where your curiosity and comfort, like Aleks said, is more at the forefront of your mind than your orgasm-count; that is good sex.

“Because we live in a culture and society that deeply conditions us with very intense attitudes around sex that are often embedded within shame, it can be a really difficult process to unlearn your sexual attitudes and beliefs,” says Aleks. “It’s really normal to need professional help, often because the people around you haven’t done that work and you’ll constantly be faced with those beliefs.”

However, if we want to feel empowered and energised by sex, it’s important to redefine what pleasure means to us.

“You need to learn to be present in your body and find pleasure and joy in your body, in a way that is not defined by goal-oriented achievements,” she says. “So not: I orgasmed – therefore I achieved good sex, but rather; I felt pleasure in my body, I felt safe in my body, I was curious in my body. That is good enough. It’s pleasurable.”

These feelings need to become the new indicators for what is a sexually satisfying experience – not the big ‘O’.

Complete Article HERE!

Is ‘Death Grip Syndrome’ actually real

— And can it harm your penis?

Gripping your penis too tightly could cause some issues

Masturbation isn’t something any of us should be shy about, but when the mood strikes, some of us seize it a little too tightly.

By

To put it plainly, if you’ve got a penis, grabbing it too hard while pleasuring yourself could leave orgasms further out of reach.

It’s what is known in slang terms as Death Grip Syndrome (DGS), though there’s actually no official medical name for the condition.

Some credit sex columnist Dan Savage with coining the term back in the early 2000s, but it’s also popped up in various Reddit threads over the years. It even got a formal Urban Dictionary entry in 2010.

But we wouldn’t put your physical health in the hands of public forums, so we had Dr Lawrence Cunningham tell us just how real (or not) it is.

What is Death Grip Syndrome?

‘DGS refers to the phenomenon where habitual, overly tight gripping of the penis during masturbation can lead to decreased sensitivity, and difficulty achieving orgasm through other forms of sexual activity,’ Dr Cunningham tells Metro.

The UK Care Guide doctor believes many men are unaware their masturbation habits could impact their sexual health, and let’s face it, none of us want any lingering problems just because we went a little too hard.

A composite image showing a hand holding a downturned bread roll.
DGS can lead to reduced sensitivity and sexual pleasure.

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Death Grip Syndrome may sound alarming, Dr Cunningham explains, but it doesn’t do any physical damage to the penis in the traditional sense.

The issue, he says, is when it comes to sexual stimulation: ‘The persistent use of a tight grip can condition the nerves and tissues to respond only to this specific form of stimulation.

‘This can make it challenging to experience pleasure and achieve orgasm through more typical forms of sexual activity.’

What are the symptoms?

The primary symptoms include decreased sensitivity in the penis and difficulty achieving orgasm, unless you’re gripping your member very tightly.

It goes without saying that this is going to decrease your levels of sexual satisfaction, which no one wants.

According to men’s health website Hims and medical adviser Mike Bohl, other symptoms include penile pain and anorgasmia.

The latter is a condition where you experience delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms — in other words, it’s a form of sexual dysfunction.

Dr Cunningham adds: ‘Years of consistent, tight-grip masturbation usually doesn’t lead to complete anorgasmia, but it can certainly lead to delayed ejaculation or reduced pleasure.’

The physical effects can result in anxiety and relationship issues too, so the doctor believes addressing the issue is crucial.

Is DGS common and is it reversible?

While there’s limited scientific data to say just how prevalent Death Grip Syndrome is, Dr Lawrence thinks he’s got a handle on it.

A composite graphic showing a drooping cactus in a plant pot
Death Grip Syndrome could cause a form of anorgasmia but this is unlikely

‘I believe I’ve seen a number of men who experience these issues. It’s common enough that sexual health professionals encounter it regularly, but many men may not realise it’s the root of their difficulties,’ he explains.

If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms, don’t be stressed because it’s generally treatable and ‘often reversible’.

How? Well, Dr Cunningham suggests: ‘Start with a change in masturbation habits; using a gentler touch and exploring different types of stimulation.

‘Incorporating more mindful and varied sexual practices can also help. In some cases, professional counselling or sex therapy can provide additional support and strategies to regain sensitivity and sexual satisfaction.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Breaking the virginity myth

— How gender shapes the double standard

By Radhya Comar

Already-chewed gum, tape that has lost its stickiness and an unwrapped lollipop are not just random remnants of an office dustbin but a collection of metaphors. These metaphors compare women who have been sexually active before marriage to objects that have lost their purpose—essentially, trash. This striking comparison highlights the harsh reality of gender norms surrounding sexual activity. Such metaphors have often been used to discourage women from engaging in premarital sex to preserve their virginity.

Of course, not all figures of speech take such a reductive view of women’s bodies. In the opening scene of the acclaimed TV show Jane the Virgin, a young Jane holds a white rose. Her grandmother instructs her to crumple the flower and then try to restore it, using the wrinkled petals as a warning that she can “never go back” once her virginity is lost. Although roses generally symbolize beauty and femininity, this ritual still reduces women to mere objects and frames sex as inherently destructive.

This notion is one that many women carry into adulthood. Virginity is often seen as a valuable asset, while sex is perceived as something that diminishes that value. This belief can prevent women from exploring their sexuality and can limit access to comprehensive sexual education. Topics such as consent, STDs and contraception are less likely to be discussed when sex is regarded as inherently taboo. When a woman’s sexual status is considered integral to her worth, there may also be pressure to prove one’s virginity—an impossible task given that, biologically, virginity does not exist.

Many mistakenly believe that virginity is linked to the hymen, a thin tissue at the opening of the vagina. This misconception stems from the widespread idea that a woman’s first experience of penetration results in the hymen breaking and bleeding, serving as a sort of “virginity test.” However, for many, the hymen can break without any noticeable symptoms. A 2004 study of sexually active young women concluded that there were “no identifiable changes to the hymenal tissue” in 52 per cent of participants. Despite this, the myth persists, and women around the world may feel pressured to prove their so-called purity.

Although men face no equivalent virginity test, purity culture still influences their sexual identity. It is not only women who grow up with the idea that sex affects their value as human beings. When men internalize such beliefs, they may find themselves reducing both their own and others’ worth to sexual history. This attitude can affect even those who do not engage in sexual activities; numerous men admit to feeling shame and anxiety over not having had sex.

Even though virginity is now widely recognized as a social construct, the idea still impacts many individuals today. For women, purity culture often pressures them to preserve their virginity. For men, the dynamics of hookup culture can push them in the opposite direction. The push and pull between these two can have disastrous consequences. While a man may be ridiculed for inexperience, a woman may feel shunned for promiscuity. Both circumstances feed into purity culture, hindering individuals from seeking the support they require. In other words, it can prevent both men and women from asking questions about safe sex and consent. Moreover, the concept of virginity can force individuals to focus on the aftermath rather than the experience itself.  These stigmas that can be carried over time, eventually turning into generational cycles which condemn sexuality as a whole.

Navigating the concept of virginity can be just as tricky as navigating relationships or sexuality itself. However, it reflects our relationship with ourselves—our thoughts, feelings, desires, and ultimately, our choices.

Complete Article HERE!

This Is How Kink Can Improve Your Relationship And Sex Life

— Kink is way more nuanced than we think.

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Traditionally, most of us have considered kink to be something outside the conventional ideas of sex, however, a study by the University of Brighton has suggested that as many as 20-30% of the UK population has engaged in it.

Addtionally, according to Google Trends data, there has been an increased interest in “kink” since 2016 – no doubt helped by films like Fifty Shades of Grey and Nicole Kidman’s upcoming flick Babygirl, further normalising the practice.

However, according to one expert, there is far more nuance to this subculture than we think and, actually, kink is good for more than just spicing up your sex life. In fact, getting familiar with our kinks can actually improve our relationships overall.

HuffPost UK spoke exclusively with Gigi Engle, certified sex and relationship psychotherapist and resident intimacy expert at relationship exploration and dating app 3Fun, to learn more about what we should all know about this hot topic…

Everything you didn’t know about kink, according to an expert

Engle believes that to some degree, this sexual subculture is being misrepresented. Speaking about the popular films that depict kink, she says: “Kink in mainstream media often neglects the plentiful nuance and negotiation that goes into kink, instead choosing to sensationalise it.

“What we’re supposed to be seeing is something sexy and kinky, but what we’re really seeing is glorified abuse. This isn’t what kink is about. Kink is about boundaries, clear negotiation, and being 100% on board with everything.”

Unfortunately, she warns, this misrepresentation can lead to prejudice and even encouraging abuse. “We often see consent left out of mainstream depictions and this can lead to a lot of problematic outcomes such as people trying ‘kink’ in ways that are very unsafe, people thinking that if you’re into kink you’re into abuse and much more,” Engle explains.

However, while the sexpert acknowledges that this isn’t always the case, she does urge that filmmakers should work directly with sex workers who specialise in kink to help them to create better, more accurate representations.

Until then, Engle urges people to look at how (healthy) kink can improve their relationships, saying: “Kink allows couples to explore fantasy and power dynamics in a unique way. It can really open the doors to greater exploration and excitement, which can be great for deepening intimacy and increasing desire.

“It can aid in sexual communication through negotiation and boundary setting and allow couples to deepen trust by learning and trying things together in a safe way. Kink is part of how adults play. It’s how we get to know our deeper desires and explore together in a way that is bonding and often quite transformative.”

If you’re single, this is of course, a little more complex. Kink requires mutual trust, and an inherent feeling of safety, which isn’t always possible when you’re sleeping with new people.

Engle advises following these three steps to engage in kink safely as a single person:

  • Always vet partners. You want to ask for references if you’re going to do kink play with a new partner. It’s completely OK to ask to speak to former kink partners because this stuff can be really dangerous and shouldn’t be practiced by someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing.
  • Set clear boundaries and safewords with all new partners.
  • Practice alone. You can engage in what’s called “self dominance” or “self submission” where the power dynamics you’re playing with are with yourself. This can look like practicing Shibari rope tying on yourself, using toys on yourself with a set intention for dominance or submission, or using implements like flogger on yourself.

Complete Article HERE!

Condoms are no longer a fact of life for young Americans.

— They’re an afterthought

Condoms are made available to students at the University of Mississippi campus in Oxford, Miss., Wednesday, Aug. 28, 2024.

By Devna Bose

It’s hard to miss the overflowing bowl of condoms at the entrance of the gym.

Some University of Mississippi students walking past after their workout snicker and point, and the few who step forward to consider grabbing a condom rethink it when their friends catch up, laughter trailing behind them. Almost no one actually reaches in to take one.

Though officials say they refill the bowl multiple times a day, and condoms are available at multiple places on campus, Ole Miss students say the disinterest is indicative of changing attitudes.

Fewer young people are having sex, but the teens and young adults who are sexually active aren’t using condoms as regularly, if at all. And people ages 15 to 24 made up half of new chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis cases in 2022.

The downward trend in condom usage is due to a few things: medical advancements like long-term birth control options and drugs that prevent sexually transmitted infections; a fading fear of contracting HIV; and widely varying degrees of sex education in high schools.

Is this the end of condoms? Not exactly. But it does have some public health experts thinking about how to help younger generations have safe sex, be aware of their options—condoms included—and get tested for STIs regularly.

“Old condom ads were meant to scare you, and all of us were scared for the longest time,” said Dr. Joseph Cherabie, medical director of the St. Louis HIV Prevention Training Center. “Now we’re trying to move away from that and focus more on what works for you.”

A shift in attitudes

Downtown Oxford was thrumming the day before the first football game of the season. The fall semester had just started.

Lines of college students with tequila-soda breath waited to be let in dim bars with loud music. Hands wandered, drifting into back pockets of jeans, and they leaned on one another.

It’s likely that many of those students didn’t use a condom, said Magan Perry, president of the college’s Public Health Student Association.

“Using a condom is just a big, ‘uh, no,’” the senior said.

Young women often have to initiate using condoms with men, she said, adding that she’s heard of men who tell a sexual partner they’ll just buy emergency contraception the next day instead.

“I’ve had friends who go home with a guy and say they’re not having sex unless they use a condom, and immediately the reaction is either a reluctant, ‘OK, fine,’ or ‘If you don’t trust me, then I shouldn’t even be here,’” Perry said. “They’re like, ‘Well, I’m not dirty, so why would I use them?’”

Women have long had the onus of preventing pregnancy or STIs, Cherabie said, and buying condoms or emergency contraceptives—which are often in a locked cabinet or behind a counter—can be an uncomfortable experience and “inserts a certain amount of shame,” Cherabie said.

If pregnancy risk has been the driving factor for condom usage among heterosexual couples, the fear of contracting HIV was the motivation for condom use among men who have sex with men.

But as that fear has subsided, so has condom use, according to a recent study that focused on a population of HIV-negative men who have sex with men.

Grindr, a popular gay dating app, even lists condom use under “kinks” instead of “health.” Things like that make Steven Goodreau, an HIV expert at the University of Washington who led the study, worry that the change in attitudes toward condoms is trickling down to younger generations.

Goodreau believes the promotion of pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), a drug that prevents HIV, is overshadowing condoms as a prevention strategy. A strategic plan for federal HIV research through 2025 doesn’t mention condoms, and neither does the national Ending the HIV Epidemic plan.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention acknowledges that condoms are still an effective tool that can be used “alongside newer prevention strategies.”

“We know that condom use has declined among some groups, but they still have an important role to play in STI prevention,” said Dr. Bradley Stoner, director of the CDC’s Division of STD Prevention.

“Condoms can be accessed without navigating the health care system, can be used on-demand, are generally affordable and most importantly, they are effective at preventing HIV and STIs when used consistently and correctly.”

Medical advances allow for more options

Pleasure—for both men and women—has long been an undeniable factor for the lack of condom use, according to Dr. Cynthia Graham, a member of the Kinsey Institute team that studies condoms.

But more so, advances in medicine have expanded the options for both STI and pregnancy prevention.

Young cisgender women have been turning to contraceptive implants like intrauterine devices and birth control pills to keep from getting pregnant. And researchers say that once women are in committed relationships or have one sexual partner for a significant amount of time, they often switch to longer-term birth control methods.

Ole Miss junior Madeline Webb said she and her partner seem like outliers—they have been seeing each other for four years, but still use condoms. They also share the responsibility of buying condoms.

“People see condoms as an inconvenience … but they do serve a purpose even if you’re on birth control because there is always a chance of an STD,” Webb said.

A new drug on the market could mean even more STI prevention options for men and possibly women.

Doxycycline post-exposure prophylaxis, or doxy PEP, can be taken within 72 hours after unprotected sex and can help prevent chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis. It has to be prescribed by a doctor. Trials are still being conducted for women, but the drug is gaining traction among men who have sex with men and transgender women.

With widespread uptake, the drug has the potential to make a significant impact in STI prevention strategies.

“When PrEP came out, everyone was excited because it was one less thing to worry about in terms of HIV acquisition,” Cherabie said. “With another thing on board that can help decrease our likelihood of getting other STIs, on top of not having to worry about HIV, it gives our community and patients a little less anxiety about their sex lives.”

And in just a decade, PrEP has become a main preventive measure against HIV and other STIs for men who have sex with men—though it is disproportionately used by white men.

Condom use now is “pretty much a thing of the past” for men who have sex with men compared to the 1980s and early 1990s during the AIDS epidemic, said Andres Acosta Ardilla, a community outreach director at an Orlando-based nonprofit primary care clinic that focuses on Latinos with HIV.

“Part of what we have to talk about is that there is something enticing about having condomless sex,” Acosta Ardilla said. “And we have to, as people who are working in public health, plan for the fact that people will choose to have condomless sex.”

The fight over sex ed

Despite the relentless Southern sun, a handful of people representing various student organizations sat at tables in the heart of Ole Miss’ campus. Students walked past and grabbed buttons, wristbands and fidget toys. One table offered gold-packaged condoms—for cups to prevent drinks from being spiked.

Actual condoms are noticeably absent. They’re also absent in the state’s public schools.

Condom demonstrations are banned in Mississippi classrooms, and school districts can provide abstinence-only or “abstinence-plus” sexual education—both of which can involve discussing condoms and contraceptives.

Focus on the Family, an Christian organization that advocates for teaching abstinence until marriage, is concerned that comprehensive sex education “exposes students to explicit materials.” Abstinence-centered education is “age-appropriate” and keeps students safe and healthy, Focus on the Family analyst Jeff Johnston said in an emailed statement.

But Josh McCawley, deputy director of Teen Health Mississippi, an organization that works with youth to increase access to health resources, said the effects are clear.

“The obvious consequence is the rise of sexually transmitted infections, which is what we’re seeing right now, which can be a burden on the health care system,” he said, “but also there could be long-term consequences for young people in terms of thinking about what it means to be healthy and how to protect themselves, and that goes beyond a person’s sexual health.”

The latest CDC data from 2022 shows Mississippi has the highest teen birth rate in the country.

Scott Clements, who oversees health information for the state education department, was hesitant to criticize Mississippi’s sex education standards because they’re “legislatively mandated.”

“If the legislature wants to make changes to this, we will certainly follow their lead,” he added—though attempts to pass more advanced sexual education standards have died repeatedly in the Mississippi statehouse over the past eight years.

Nationally, there is no set standard for sex education, according to Michelle Slaybaugh, policy and advocacy director for the Sexuality Information and Education Council for the United States, which advocates for comprehensive sex ed.

Not every state mandates sex education. Some states emphasize abstinence. Less than half of states require information on contraception.

“There is no definitive way to describe what sex ed looks like from classroom to classroom, even in the same state, even in the same district,” Slaybaugh said, “because it will really be determined by who teaches it.”

Compare Mississippi to Oregon, which has extensive state standards that require all public school districts to teach medically accurate and comprehensive sexual education. Students in Portland are shown how to put on a condom starting in middle school and have access to free condoms at most high schools.

Lori Kuykendall of Dallas, who helped write abstinence-focused standards, said condom demonstrations like those in Portland “normalize sexual activity in a classroom full of young people who the majority of are not sexually active.” She also points to increasingly easy access to pornography — in which people typically do not wear condoms—is a contributing factor to the decline in condom use among young people.

Jenny Withycombe, the assistant director for health and physical education at Portland Public Schools, acknowledged the standards see pushback in the more conservative and rural parts of Oregon. But the idea is to prepare students for future interactions.

“Our job is to hopefully build the skills so that even if it’s been a while since the (condom) demo … the person has the skills to go seek out that information, whether it’s from the health center or other reliable and reputable resources,” Withycombe said.

Those standards seem to contribute to a more progressive view of condoms and sex in young adults, said Gavin Leonard, a senior at Reed College in Portland and a former peer advocate for the school’s sexual health and relationship program.

Leonard, who grew up in Memphis—not far from Oxford, Mississippi, said his peers at Reed may not consistently use condoms, but, in his experience, better understand the consequences of not doing so. They know their options, and they know how to access them.

Slaybaugh wants that level of education for Mississippi students—and the rest of the country.

“We would never send a soldier into war without training or the resources they need to keep themselves safe,” she said. “We would not send them into a battle without a helmet or a bulletproof vest. So why is it OK for us to send young people off to college without the information that they need to protect themselves?”

Complete Article HERE!