Tag: Sexual Performance

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The hottest ways to kiss in 2024

— 9 ways to elevate your next make out sesh to the next stage

Tongue tantalising tips and tricks

By Ebony Leigh

Unless you’ve been off Netflix for the past week, you’ll know that all the entire world can think about right now is arguably the greatest onscreen kiss of all time. With off-the-charts romantic tension and an electrifying chemistry, we’d say it’s impossible not to be swept away by the scene to end all scenes in Nobody Wants This. So how’d they do it?

When Adam Brody’s Noah took the face of Kristin Bell’s Joanne in his left hand, ran his thumb gently along her cheek while gazing deeply into her eyes before slowly moving in for a full mouthed, life altering kiss, you could almost hear the collective gasp from around the globe.

Viewers were left reeling with an all-consuming yearning for their own monumental moment, and if they weren’t a fan of Netflix’s newest romantic comedy series already, then this profound PDA sealed the deal. In the words of one YouTuber, “it made my heart flutter as if it were me”.

So, when it comes to your own lip-locking action, what makes a kiss great, and how can you take your make out moves to the next level?

The power of a kiss

If the effects of a smooch can be felt through our screens, you better believe that an IRL snog can have massive impacts on our bodies.

“In terms of a relationship, you’ve got the pair bonding, passion and deep connection that comes through the release of oxytocin, as well as the connection to your erogenous zones because your lips are an erogenous zone meaning they can create that arousal as well,” certified sex educator Eleanor Hadley tells Body+Soul.

Of course though it all depends on the style of the smacker, and how much you let it “build”.

“You’ve got plutonic sort of kisses, like a cheek kiss or a hello kiss, you’ve got the really intimate, soft and sweet forehead kiss that just makes you melt, and you’ve got the classic peck on the lips,” the sexpert explains. “And then there’s taking it deeper with a long lingering kiss.”

“And then of course, you can start to get a bit more deeper and passionate with the French kiss, introducing tongues and maybe sucking, nibbling or biting on the lips. Some people like the full blown tongue in mouth, full on pash, and then of course you can take a kiss elsewhere on the body like the neck and collarbones.”

Tongue tantalising tips and tricks

As the creator of Tongue Tactics – a guide for going down – Hadley knows the art of pleasurable mouth movement. Here she shares her tips and tricks for how to heat up your make out sessions and improve your kissing technique.

#1. Ask your partner about what they like

First up, the intimacy coach says it’s less about how you’re doing it and more about the connection between you and your partner. And it all comes down to communication.

“So often clients will tell me, ‘I dated this person and they were a bad kisser’, but for someone else that person’s kissing style is amazing and they love it,” Hadley explains. “While maybe for someone that my client dated in the past, maybe their kissing style wasn’t their cup of tea either.”

Like everything else in life, we need to understand where someone else is coming from.

“I’m such a big advocate of actually having a conversation with your partner like, ‘How do you like to be kissed? Do you like tongue? Do you like it when I nibble at your lips or do you hate it? How do you feel about biting? And what kind of movements and pace do you like? Do you like it gentle and sensual or do you like it rough and deep? Do you want a full open mouth kiss every single time, or do you just like a more closed focus on the lips? Because I really like it when you stick your whole tongue in my mouth. It’s really hot. Could you do that more?’.”

Think it sounds daunting? Maybe. But the results? Breathtaking (literally if you both act on the answers).

“I think conversations like this can be really helpful in understanding each other better and it can actually be really fun and cute and hot and sexy to talk about it” says Hadley. “It doesn’t have to be weird and awkward because it’s more like this curiosity of, ‘How could we make this part of our relationship even better’.”

#2. Freshen up before going in

Before getting to a smooch, a good kisser always considers their mouth hygiene.

“So there’s basic dental care – we love a good floss, mouthwash and toothbrush session – and obviously we’re doing that on the daily,” the sex educator says. “And then if you’re about to make out or you’re on your way to a date or if you’re about to finish your date and you know where it’s going, a little freshen up is great. I love those little mouth strips because they’re super handy or even just a mint.”

#3. Take care of your lips

Lip care is imperative, says Hadley. “I definitely use a lip scrub if I’m about to go and get my make out on”.

She recommends buying a product or making your own using sugar and oil, or just grabbing a dry toothbrush. “Rubbing that along your lips and doing little circles will buff away any dry skin,” she explains. “That also kind of brings blood flow, so your lips are going to be a little bit more popped as well which is really nice.”

Then when it comes to game time, Hadley suggests a light lip balm. Or, if it tickles your fancy, a bold lip. “If it’s a vibe and your partner is into it and you’re into it too, lipstick can add to it if you like that messy look,” she says. “Of course, it’s a really personal preference, but I think some people dig it.”

#4. Linger on the lead up

We can’t stress this enough but Nobody Wants This totally did when it took two episodes for the main characters to finally kiss. A long lead up makes the snog even better.

“My philosophy with this is always work from the outside in,” the sex educator explains. “So even before you’re making out, make sure you’ve had eye contact and conversation and build up that connection and chemistry.”

So pay attention, show affection, and stay in the moment, to leave your kissing partner with a lasting memory.

#5. Experiment with the head tilt

Ah the age old conundrum. To go right or left.

“I think you’re going to have a natural way that you want to go, and for me, that just feels like right,” the sexpert explains. “And if you’re in a relationship, you can have a tendency to say, ‘That’s just the way that I go’, and then that can kind of be the pattern. But be open to trying a different way and see how that feels.”

(For the record, Adam Broody went right).

#6. Use your hands

If The OC’s geek Seth Cohen turned millennial woman heart throb Noah has taught us anything, it’s that a truly good kiss involves some steamy body language and the exact right hand placement.

“Depending on the type of kiss you’re having, whether it’s deep and passionate or soft and sweet, hand placement is incredibly important and can really elevate the mood and drive the vibe of the kiss,” Hadley says. “So whether that’s just hands cupping their face if it’s really sweet, or bringing your hands up through their hair and to the back of the neck and then pulling and tugging their hair a little bit. Or maybe you’re dragging your hands a little over their arms, kind of pulling them in tight from their back, or grabbing their a** and having your hands lead up their chest. It can all really enhance the passion of the kiss.”

#7. Have fun with tongue

Kissing isn’t just about locking lips and having a gentle nibble. Whether it’s playing with the tip of the tongue or putting it all in their mouth, if that feels good for both of you, French kissing can take your make out sessions to the next level.

“Being active with it but not too active with it hits a really nice, sweet spot where you’re almost kind of licking or massaging your tongue against theirs, as opposed to just sticking it in and letting it sit there or sharking it all about,” recommends the sex coach.

“And then you can both build up a rhythm where you’re like massaging each other’s tongues or sort of licking each other’s tongues. It sounds so strange, but it’s kind of like that.”

#8. Go slow and build up the passion

“I think it’s nice to start soft and get slowly more passionate as it builds up,” Hadley says. “Like with sex, you don’t tend to just go straight for the goods. You tend to build up to it.”

Which can be amazing when it comes to kissing. “So you start to both get into a rhythm and feel more and more turned on and there’s blood flow going on and your erogenous zones are firing and you start to get handsy and then the kiss can get more and more passionate and then it kind of leads from there,” the sex coach explains.

“Of course, having said that though, if it’s in the moment and it feels really good and there’s some really electric chemistry there, a deep, passionate kiss can be amazing.”

#9. Don’t rush into sex

There’s definitely something to be said for not rushing into putting hands down pants and keeping things above the belt. At least for the moment.

“If kissing is going towards sex or some kind of genital pleasure, then absolutely take your time,” Hadley says. “There’s no rush. You don’t need to get it over and done with.”

Yes, maybe you’re turned on and horny and wet or hard, but you don’t have to act on that immediately. Let those feelings build.

“Don’t forget about the face or the neck, the arms, the lower back, and the whole body before the genitals,” the sexpert says. “We’ve got to take the time to get there, rather than just be like, ‘Oh, we’re making out and suddenly I’m fingering you’. It’s like, woah, chill down, and put some space in between.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Disability Intimacy Editor Alice Wong Shares a Long-Held Secret

— And Why This Book Means so Much

Alice Wong and ‘Disability Intimacy’.

In an exclusive excerpt from the new collection edited by Alice Wong, she explores what she learned along the way

By Lizz Schumer

If you find yourself humming “Let’s Talk About Sex” when you see the cover for Alice Wong’s new collection, well, there’s at least two of us. The much-anticipated new book, Disability Intimacy: Essays on Love, Care, and Desire edited by Alice Wong is out April 30 and features essays, poetry and artwork of various spice levels by members of the disability community. There’s disabled sex, disabled love, disabled sexual exploration and yes, full-on disabled erotica.

All of it seeks to explore the question: What is intimacy? It’s not just sex, but it can include it. It’s not just romantic love, but it can feature it. As the publisher explains, “Explorations of caregiving, community, access and friendship offer us alternative ways of thinking about the connections we form with others.”

Below, Wong lets us in on a little bit of how she began thinking about it in a PEOPLE-exclusive excerpt from the collection, as well as a revelation she’s never made in her own writing before.

Disability Intimacy: Essays on Love, Care, and Desire edited by Alice Wong
Disability Intimacy.

When I started working on this book, I googled “disability intimacy” and the search results were disappointing and pathetic. “Ewwwwww,” I muttered to myself. Under the People Also Ask section, questions such as “Can people with disabilities find love?” are what I considered basic AF. Articles on stereotypes, stigmas, sexuality, asexuality, sexual abuse and sexual dysfunction abounded.

Stories about and by disabled people on “what it’s like” to date, have sex, or be in a relationship abounded. Intimacy is more than sex or romantic love. Intimacy is an ever-expanding universe composed of a myriad of heavenly bodies. Intimacy is about relationships within a person’s self, with  others, with communities, with nature and beyond. 

Each piece in this anthology is unique, but one theme that runs throughout is tenderness, an expression of all the labor and care the contributors put into their stories. I  delicately gathered and edited this book with sensitivity, knowing how many people put their trust in me. Being thoughtful, intentional and generous are acts of intimacy we can give to one another. 

I am not an expert on intimacy, nor am I here to define the concept to you. Since tenderness is a major theme in Disability Intimacy, it is only right for me to share a vulnerable part of myself that I have never written about or publicly discussed before. 

True story: I have never been in a romantic relationship or gone on a date. Not once, and I am a 50-year-old grown-a– woman! The disclosure comes with a mixture of internalized shame and a wish to keep parts of my life private. However, this book prompted me to reflect on the many intimacies of my life and what I wish for the future. My heart is full of rich and deep relationships. I am loved and I am not loved at the same time.

Not everyone needs romance or sex, but I personally want the entire dim sum cart of intimacy. I want to experience every unctuous, savory, sweet, crispy, chewy, spicy and sour bite, filling my body with warmth and pleasure. My appetite is insatiable; I want the smoldering, undeniable attraction built on mutual respect and admiration like the one between Captain Wentworth and Anne Elliot in Jane Austen’s Persuasion. I want to be seen and to have a lover who will be my sous chef in all things and vice versa.

Our love will be a spark that burns slowly and completely. This person will write me hot, irresistible letters and make me laugh; will pick up ice cream for me; will buy groceries, binge-watch TV and host amazing dinner parties with me. Downright filthy texts and facial expressions will be our sexual banter. We will be our own two-member book club where we talk passionately about books while sipping champagne and eating fancy potato chips. When I meet that person, I will disarm him with my charm, wit, intellect and copious modesty. 

Given the events of the past few years, I question whether this will ever happen for me and am reconciled to this reality. I struggle to see myself as desirable and can only imagine how the world perceives me. I’m not waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet, but I am ready in a nanosecond. In the meantime, I will continue to fantasize, lust, all by myself. My dreams, cravings and aspirations will sustain my body and soul for now. 

Intimacy comes in many forms, and you are deserving of it, whatever it looks like or means to you. Reading the words on these pages creates a dialogue, an intimate act bringing us together across space and time. May Disability Intimacy set your spirit on fire and send you on a voyage of self-discovery, destination unknown. My journey continues, and I thank you for being a part of it.

I am but one small shiitake mushroom connected to a vast mycelial network with other disabled fungi, loving and caring for one another. We are not alone. 

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Scheduled Sex Can Be Sexy, According to Esther Perel

— The famed relationship therapist says a little premeditation can be a great way out of a relationship rut.

By Erin Bunch

My relationship recently hit a milestone described by Esther Perel as the “fatal erotic blow”—my partner and I transitioned into parenthood. In our experience so far, the famed sex and relationships therapist’s gloomy framing of life after baby has been spot on. Since the birth of our son, sex has completely disappeared from our relationship, with no sign of return. Desperate to maintain that part of myself, and of us, I recently suggested to my partner that we start scheduling sex dates. His response (by text) was: calendar emoji + eggplant emoji + gravestone emoji. In other words, he gave the idea a hard (or rather, soft) pass.

Such resistance to the concept of scheduled sex is not uncommon, Perel herself tells me weeks later when we meet by Zoom to discuss her two new on-topic couples courses, “Playing with Desire” and “Bringing Desire Back.” While nobody thinks scheduling a softball game will detract from the pleasure of playing softball, she says, people feel differently about sex. “Somehow it’s entered into people’s heads that sex should be natural, it should just happen.” she says. “It should just come out of nowhere, envelope me, take me over, and burst out of me.”

My partner, I tell her, definitely struggles with the belief that sex is only good if it’s organic, and she says this mindset is setting us both up for failure. “If you think desire is just this thing that sustains itself on its own—it’s spontaneous, unprompted—you will be disillusioned,” she says. “Good sex over time is premeditated. It’s willful, it’s conscious, it’s intentional.”

Hence, the sex date, the scheduling of which Perel says does not, as my partner fears, imply your relationship is more or less over. On the contrary, she says that when a couple sets aside such time together, it actually demonstrates a promising level of care for the relationship. “The sex date is something that confers importance,” she says. “It says it matters. It says we don’t wait for when we are completely in the mood. It says we meet, and we don’t just meet for the perfunctory meeting. We meet and we can create something special.”

But Perel says turning a to-do, even a sexual one, into anything but a “perfunctory meeting” requires effort and forethought. Sexy sex dates don’t just happen, and her advice for transforming what could be rote into an erotic experience goes far deeper than lingerie and candles.

Step One: Build Anticipation

To begin with, she says, couples must endeavor to create an atmosphere of anticipation around the scheduled rendezvous. Since this isn’t a given—clearly, my partner wouldn’t exactly be drawing hearts around the date on his calendar—it requires what Perel refers to as foreplay, which is much more involved than a few moments of physical warm up prior to intercourse. “Foreplay actually starts at the end of your previous orgasm,” she says.

Here, foreplay means anything that creates “a shift in mindset signaling availability.” It’s flirtation, sexual tension, playfulness—the creation of a vibe between you and your partner. “People think they can scratch the back of the other person and they will be hot and aroused,” says Perel. “But can you do a little more? Can you seduce me? Can you play with me? Can you send me a little note?”

If it’s helpful, she suggests imagining things you might do for a lover rather than a partner. “[With a lover], you’re engaged in a plot. You’re writing a story. It has moods, it has imagery. It has a whole world to it,” she says. And if this is starting to sound like a heavy lift, rest assured that gestures such as a flirty text or small sexy gift can suffice. The key is just to get both parties excited about the scheduled time, so that it feels less like a to-do and more like an I-can’t-wait-to-do-you.

Step Two: Design Rituals

Next, Perel says it’s important to “infuse” the sex date with rituals. Doing so, she explains, helps signal that the event is unique, special, and significant. “Routines create consistency, but the ritual is what gives creativity and intentionality to the routine,” she says.

Your ritual or rituals can be anything, and it doesn’t have to be complicated, just consistent. Maybe you always open your favorite bottle of wine, for example, or put on a specific playlist. “It’s a small thing,” says Perel.

Rituals can also be designed to help you switch from caretaking mode, or career mode, or whatever your daily default mode may be, so that you can tap into your erotic, most alive self. As a new parent, for example, she tells me my ritual could include a shower, a massage, or “anything that brings the woman out from behind the mother.”

Step 3: Ask Yourself Perel’s Favorite Question

To further prepare for your date, it might be helpful to ask yourself one of Perel’s go-to questions for clients, which is “What turns you off?” or “What shuts you down?”

“People will tell you, ‘I turn off when I’m worried, when I’m anxious about money, when I feel like I’m not doing well at work, when I struggle with money, when I feel bloated,’” she says. “It has not much to do with sex, per se. It has to do with life. ‘I’m not alive when…’.” The answers to this question can then help you understand what needs to be left at the door.

On the flip side, asking yourself what turns you on, what helps you feel present and alive, can also help, says Perel. “‘I turn myself on by’ is not the same as ‘what turns me on is’ or ‘you turn me on when’,” she says. Instead, it’s about owning your own desire. “So the question is, ‘How do you make yourself available?’ How do you give yourself permission? How do you make yourself present?”

Without this intel, Perel says, you can tell your partner what works for you, but it probably won’t work. “You won’t respond because you’re not in it. You’re not present,” she says. And while your honest answer may be something along the lines of ‘a first-class ticket somewhere tropical,’ the key is to think of smaller, more achievable turn-ons that will ease you into a more erotic headspace, e.g. a wax, a cocktail, or a compliment from your partner.

Step 4: Understand What Creates Desire

While desire is complex, Perel offers a recipe of sorts, which is “curiosity plus risk.” Curiosity, she says, helps mitigate the less-than-sexy feeling of familiarity. “Curiosity is a key ingredient of eroticism, and that is, ‘Who is this person’ What do they think? How do they experience things? What does coffee taste like to them?’,” she says. Such curiosity often dies as two people enter a place of safety and security together, but she says rediscovering it can help you rediscover passion for your partner. “The need for familiarity is absolutely real, but it cannot be at the expense of no longer having the discovery, the exploration,” she says. “If you don’t have curiosity, you choke the erotic.”

And while you may think you know everything about your partner, Perel says this is an illusion. “We don’t have to create the mystery, the unknown, the discovery,” she says. “It is right in front of us—we just have to engage with it.”

Risk, meanwhile, is a related concept, as it’s also about breaking free of the familiar and stepping outside of your comfort zone as a couple. “If you do the things you enjoy that are familiar to you, then you have good friendship, consistency, reliability. It brings cuddle, not sizzle,” she says. “If you want sizzle, you have to go and create things together, experience new things together, experience yourself differently from how you usually experience yourself in the presence of that person.”

For Perel, risk doesn’t have to take the shape of, say, nonmonogamy. She describes it instead as a combination of novelty and playfulness. “Novelty creates uncertainty, and the creation of uncertainty in the midst of familiarity is unbeatable,” she says. “So what does this mean? It’s not big productions. It’s just doing something you’ve never done together.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Men Are Openly Admitting The One Thing They Wish Women Understood Better About Their Sexual Needs

— “Sometimes, I wanna be the pillow princess.”

By Raven Ishak

“Men, what’s one thing you wish women understood better about male sexuality?”

1.”Lack of erection does not equal lack of interest.”

2.”I want to be seduced. Don’t take for granted that I’m always 100% ready to go at the drop of a hat. Sometimes, I wanna be the pillow princess.”

“I’ve told women this, and it blows their mind. So many beautiful women have never once thought about how to seduce a man past dressing cute. They’re like, ‘Well, I’m here!’”

3.”We like our partners to communicate what they like and don’t. Communication is sexy.”

4.”Don’t use sex as a reward system. I want you to want it because you like it, not as a treat or chore or whatever.”

“Yes! I’ve told my wife more than once that ‘transactional’ sex or offers of sex are a complete turnoff.

Flirting with me while I’m doing something and saying I should come find you once I’m done? That shit is amazing. Telling me if I do task ‘X’, then we might have sex later makes me feel like you really have no interest in affection.”

5.”If I’m not constantly messaging you, it’s not because I don’t care, it’s that I feel secure about us and want to save any news for some quality time in person — not a constant, distracting stream of largely meaningless messages.”

6.”As someone with severe performance anxiety, if I haven’t had sex in a while, it can be very hard to get it up. It’s not that I’m not turned on, and it’s not that you’re anything less than gorgeous; it’s just that my anxiety is preventing me from getting an erection at this moment, and the more I think about it, the worse it’ll get. Just let me go down on you for a while, and we’ll see if it happens. Lol.”

7.”Not all men are like a light switch and are ready to get right to the action immediately. Intimacy and foreplay are a core part of the experience.”

8.”I just wanna be a little spoon once in a while. That shit feels nice.”

“My partner and I usually cuddle for a bit, then turn over and sleep back to back when we’re ready for actual sleep. Sometimes I wake up, and she’s on me like a jetpack, and it just feels so good in my heart.”

9.”There’s a huge difference between orgasm as a physical release (i.e., one-night stand, masturbating) and an orgasm with someone you are emotionally close to. I can jerk off a bunch of times in between having sex, but I need to have sex with my partner in order to be emotionally and mentally fulfilled.”

10.”We can have body image problems. You grew up looking at models who starved themselves to look that way. We grew up looking at action heroes with 0% bodyfat, steroid inflated muscles, who are so dehydrated they can smell water. The body standards for us were just as unrealistic and unhealthy, and it’s nice to hear that we don’t have to be that to be attractive.”

11.”Do not be a people-pleaser in the bedroom. I’d be so hurt to find out I don’t actually know what you like. I am trusting when you give me a ‘hell yes, I love that,’ you’re being honest. It can result in this really frustrating, shameful outcome of knowing you can’t satisfy her but also don’t even know what you’re doing wrong. I can handle reality if I’m not making you cum. I want to improve, so even if you want to tap out or I’m too tired, I want to continue improving. I want to make you feel good, too.”

12.”Blue balls is not a serious condition. Don’t let anyone pressure you into sex, especially with that as an excuse.”

“Or to continue sex, you no longer consent to. There’s no rule that says you have to finish what you start. Consent is revocable by either party at any time.”

13.And finally, “I just want back scratches. You’re only allowed to stay near me because of your nails. I’ll pay for it. But you need to pay the toll. A little to the left. Down. Down. Left. Riiiiiiight theeeeere.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 Men’s Sexual Health Questions That Are Too Embarrassing to Ask

Sometimes asking questions about sex can be embarrassing—even for adults. Here are questions ranging from alcohol and sex to ejaculation disorders. Sometimes asking questions about sex can be embarrassing—even for adults. Here are ten common questions men ask their Men’s Health providers at University of Utah Health ranging from alcohol and sex to ejaculation disorders.

1. Do Different Sex Positions Increase or Decrease Chances of Pregnancy?

No. Regardless of what sexual position you use, vaginal sex can cause pregnancy.

2. Can I Drink Alcohol With Viagra and Cialis?

Yes, there will not be a bad interaction between the two. Keep in mind that when you drink alcohol, your erection may not be as firm and the medication may not work as well.

3. Is There a Surgery That Can Increase the Size of My Penis?

Even an implanted penile prosthetic will not increase the size of your penis. If you are overweight, getting to your ideal body weight will help restore some of the length you have lost since gaining weight.

Many men will ask about injections to add girth and if there is a procedure to increase penis length. The AUA (American Urological Association) considers fat injections (to increase penile girth) and suspensory ligament division surgery (to increase length) to be unsafe and ineffective.

4. Is My Penis Average in Size Compared to Other Men?

This is a question that is hard to answer, and one that many men wonder about. There are many different techniques to measure penis length, including the amount of force the clinician uses to stretch the penis.

Also, some men will see a significant change in penis length once it is erect. Others will notice that their penis only becomes more rigid. There is not a number that men should set as their benchmark.

Some medical conditions and surgical procedures can reduce the length of your penis. We cannot always restore the length you lose.

The biggest take-home for patients regarding this is to keep a healthy weight. Get care if you feel like your erections are not rigid enough or if you have other concerns about your penis.

5. How Long Should My Erection Last During Sex?

The answer to this question is completely different per person. There is not a standard time that all men should be able to maintain an erection.

For most men, the goal is to get an erection that is rigid enough for penetrative sex and that lasts until both partners are satisfied. We counsel patients that if an erection has lasted over three to four hours and is painful, they should get care with the nearest emergency room. This condition is called priapism.

6. What Is Considered Premature Ejaculation?

There is not a standard amount of time that an erection should last before ejaculating. The AUA defines premature ejaculation as “ejaculation that occurs sooner than desired, either before or shortly after penetration, causing distress to either one or both partners.”

There is not a lab test that can determine this. This diagnosis is made based on a patient’s report and a physician assessment. Treatment options are available. Your provider can help you decide which is best for you.

7. You Don’t Ejaculate After an Orgasm—What Causes This?

Various surgeries or medications can cause a man not to ejaculate after an orgasm. This is called anejaculation. The semen can also go backwards into the bladder, which is called retrograde ejaculation. Common causes of anejaculation can be associated with:

  • Prostatectomy or other prostate procedures such as transurethral resection of the prostate (TURP)
  • Taking Flomax (Tamsulosin)
  • Diabetes
  • Nerve injuries

8. Are Orgasms and Ejaculation Different?

Yes. Typically, an orgasm is the pleasure you experience while ejaculating. Men can have an orgasm without ejaculation. Men can also ejaculate before orgasm. Additionally, it’s possible to have an orgasm and ejaculation without an erection that is satisfying for sex. These conditions can have various causes, some that can be identified and treated, and others that can’t.

9. How Much Ejaculate Should I Have?

Ideally, men should have at least 1.5mL of ejaculate. This is equal to 0.304 US teaspoons, so it is not a large volume. As men age, the amount of ejaculate begins to decrease. If you notice a big difference suddenly, you’ll want to contact your provider.

It’s OK to have more, but if you are noticing significantly less over time, especially during the time you are trying to get pregnant, you should see a urologist.

10. Is a Curved Penis Normal?

Some men have a slightly curved penis that has been present for quite some time. If it is not painful and does not bother you, that is normal. If it’s painful or bothers you, then make an appointment with a men’s health doctor. Your doctor will evaluate your condition and discuss your treatment options.

If you notice a new curve to your penis and that bothers you with either pain or appearance, be seen by a doctor. This curve can impact your erections, which is another element that can be evaluated and treated.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What People Get Wrong About Sexless Relationships

— From A Sex Therapist

By Kelly Gonsalves

There are many reasons sex gets so much attention when it comes to discussing a healthy relationship: It’s a uniquely connective experience where couples get to completely shed their walls, get playful with each other, and indulge in giving and receiving physical pleasure, all in a way that is (for monogamous folks) not shared with any other person.

That said, while sexual intimacy can certainly bring couples closer together, one of the biggest misconceptions—according to one licensed sex therapist we spoke with—is that healthy relationships require an active sex life.
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In fact, while sex does offer many benefits, both for an individual’s well-being and for a relationship, that doesn’t mean relationships always suffer without it, or that a lack of sex is always a sign of trouble in the relationship. “Lots of relationships have extended periods without sex, circumstantially or intentionally, and are still fulfilling and sources of love and connection,” she says. “This can ebb and flow or be a sustained context of the relationship.”

Here are some examples of situations where couples might have little to no sex without it being a relationship crisis, according to Franc

  • When partners are long-distance or have opposing schedules
  • When a partner is ill or unwell and therefore unable to have sex comfortably and safely
  • When partners are tired or burned out
  • When partners may abstain from sex for religious or spiritual reasons
  • When one or both partners lose interest in it

As long as both partners are on the same page about it and are continuing to find other ways to enjoy intimacy together, Francis says it’s not inherently a problem if a couple puts sex on the back burner.

Sexless relationships can be healthy and fulfilling

There’s a common assumption that sexless relationships are inherently unfulfilling, or at least less fulfilling than sexual ones. But that’s actually a big myth, according to Francis.

“Not everyone wants to have sex, and not all people consider sex to be an integral part of their partnerships,” she points out.

Of course, many people do have an innate desire for sex and see it as vital to their relationships, but it’s important to recognize that that’s not true for everyone.

For example, ever heard someone say they could go the rest of their lives without ever having sex again? (Or maybe that’s you?) Some people really do experience little to no desire for sex—also known as asexuality. “Asexuality exists as an umbrella and is an example of a group of people who may intentionally create relationships that have low or no partnered sex experiences,” says Francis.

While much research has demonstrated a connection between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction1, it’s important to remember “sexual satisfaction” can mean vastly different things to different people and different couples.

A couple might have one single, fabulous sexual encounter a year and not really feel a desire to do it any more frequently; that’s sexual satisfaction for them. Another couple might have sex every week, but one person wants it more often and the other finds the sex to be a chore. That’s probably a pretty unsatisfying sex life, despite the fact that they’re having frequent sex.

Likewise, for some couples, having little to no sex might actually be a pretty satisfying situation. As Francis puts it, “If both partners are in agreement to not have sex, then not having sex is not a problem and can bring people closer as they create the kind of relationship that honors their desires.”

And for the record, one 2017 study2

found sexlessness in the past year had virtually no impact on an individual’s self-reported happiness—even among married people. People who had no sex in the past year reported being about as happy as those who had been sexually active. This isn’t to say that sex isn’t important to some people (it definitely is!), but it may not be as universally necessary to everyone, as we’re so often told.

The problem with compulsory sexuality

Constant emphasis on how much sex couples are having and how to increase sexual frequency can contribute to what some experts refer to as compulsory sexuality.

Compulsory sexuality is that prevalent idea that all humans need sex and should be aspiring toward having an active sex life. In addition to invalidating the experiences of asexual people, compulsory sexuality can make everyone feel like there’s something wrong with them or their relationship if they’re not having a ton of sex.

“Societal pressure to have sex or have a certain amount of sex is harmful to everyone,” Francis points out. “It is disembodying and coercive to feel forced to have sex, and people feel the impact of that even when the pressure is coming from a cultural script.”

Some research backs this up, too: A 2015 study3

found that when couples felt pressured to have more sex, the increased sexual frequency that resulted actually decreased their overall happiness in the relationship—and resulted in them feeling even less motivated to have sex.

That means that, if you’re pushing yourself to have more sex when you don’t actually authentically want that, it might just harm your relationship even further.

On the other hand, as Francis points out, feeling like your experience of desire is being honored and accepted exactly the way it is can actually help couples feel closer to each other as they co-create a mutually satisfying relationship.

Put simply, “If folks do not want to have more sex than they are having, that is to be celebrated,” she says.

The takeaway

Here’s the long and short of it: If you’re having less sex than you (or your partner) would like, and it’s causing tension in the relationship, then the relationship will of course benefit from more intentionality and investment in this part of your lives.

But if you and your partner aren’t having sex, and neither of you has a problem with that, then there’s nothing to worry about. All those external voices around you telling you there’s something wrong if a couple doesn’t have an active sex life? Ignore them.

Sex isn’t mandatory for a healthy relationship. It’s up to you and your partner to decide what role it does—or doesn’t—play in your lives.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is It Possible To Masturbate Too Much?

— We Asked A Sex Therapist

By Kelly Gonsalves

Remember that time on Sex and the City when Charlotte received a rabbit vibrator and fell so in love with it that her friends needed to stage an intervention?

It was a fun and goofy storyline, but it does operate under the assumption that it’s possible to masturbate “too much.” So…is it?

Listen. Sometimes you get your hands on a sex toy that just blows your mind, and you need to spend basically every night with it for a few weeks.

Or you’re just having a bit of a hard month, and you just really need to blow off steam in the evenings with a little help from your vibrator. And sometimes there is no reason—you’re just horny, or in the mood, or feeling it, so you go for it. Often.

No one’s judging! But in case you’ve ever wondered if you’re overdoing it, we reached out to sex and relationship therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, to get the lowdown on your downtown time.

Can you masturbate too much?

“Self-pleasure is a very low-risk sexual activity,” Francis says.

That said, it’s possible to do anything in excess, including masturbation. Just like you can exercise too much or wash your hands too much—even though those are generally great habits—you can also masturbate too much.

“If your masturbation habits are causing you mental, emotional, relational, or physical distress, that is an indicator that you may be masturbating more than is currently healthy for you,” she explains.

She emphasizes that pleasure is healthy, and most people don’t have to worry about overdoing it.

In fact, the guilt around masturbation is much more likely to negatively affect someone’s well-being than the actual masturbating. “Sexual health includes your awareness of your sexual needs and feeling empowered to act on them safely,” she explains.

But, as Francis points out, if you’re masturbating with a frequency that’s causing physical harm (that is, you’re noticing soreness or bruising) or negative impact on other parts of your life (like feeling consistently distracted by thoughts of masturbating at work such that you can’t accomplish anything), that’s a sign that it’s time to take a pause, evaluate the role masturbation is playing in your life, and potentially make some changes.

It’s also possible for your body to get used to a certain type of stimulation, Francis notes—for example, the feeling of a vibrator on your clitoris or the rhythm of your own hand on your shaft. ”

They may notice difficulty maintaining their [erection] or reaching orgasm in partnered sex if it doesn’t mirror what they do when they’re alone,” she says, but adds that this issue is easily solved by making sure to mix things up while masturbating or bringing some of your solo activities into partnered sex.

(Don’t underestimate the thrill of mutual masturbation, people!) If you want, it may also help to pause on masturbation for a bit before a partnered sexual experience.

Signs you’re masturbating too much

How much masturbation is too much will depend on the individual, Francis says. A routine that feels great for one person might feel like way too much for another person.

Rather than focusing on frequency, focus on how the behavior makes you feel and how it is (or isn’t) affecting your life.

Here are some signs Francis looks for to know if a person’s current masturbation practice might not be healthy for them:

  • It feels like a need instead of a choice.
  • It no longer feels pleasurable.
  • You’re experiencing pain, numbness, or loss of pleasing sensation.
  • There is a significant decline in your availability for sexual presence with partners.
  • You are struggling to keep up with your responsibilities because of how often you masturbate.
  • You’re feeling mental, emotional, or relational distress around masturbating.

“The general rule of thumb is that if something is causing unintended pain, you should take that as an indicator that something is wrong,” she says.

If any of the above feel like they may apply to you or if you simply find yourself continuing to worry about your behavior, consider reaching out to a sex therapist or another qualified sexual health professional who can help you take a closer look at what’s going on.

The takeaway

There’s nothing wrong with masturbating a lot. Most people masturbate because it brings them a little pleasure, relaxation, or relief at the end of a long day or because they just want to have fun connecting with their body.

Now, if you find your masturbation feels less relaxing and more stress-inducing, or if it feels “out of control” in any way, it’s worth checking in with a professional to make sure everything’s OK.

But if you generally feel anywhere from amazing to neutral before and after masturbating and aren’t noticing any negative effects on other parts of your life, you probably don’t need to worry. Regular masturbation is a common and generally healthy pastime, so if it’s feeling good, have at it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What a sex therapist wishes all couples knew

— Desire doesn’t have to dwindle in long-term relationships, says Dr Stephen Snyder. Here’s the advice he gives married couples in his clinic

By Anna Maxted

How do you keep the passion alive when you’ve been with your partner for decades? Dr Stephen Snyder, the therapist and author whose book Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship is a bestseller, has the answers. Having worked with hundreds of married couples over 30 years, he explains why desire often dwindles over the years — and how to rekindle it.

Don’t expect sex to knock your socks off every single time

If you ask people to recall the greatest sex of their life, most will admit that it wasn’t in the context of a committed relationship. More often they’ll recall something novel, unexpected, or possibly even forbidden. There is something uniquely thrilling about the first time you get naked with someone.

If you seek that kind of thrill within a committed relationship, as many do, you’re likely to be disappointed and frustrated. I tell couples in my clinic, don’t compare apples and oranges. Better if you can learn to listen carefully to your own arousal, and to the particular feeling your partner arouses in you. I don’t think of it as a “spark” — that word is too dramatic. Pay attention to that vibration, and be open to hearing it. You never know where sexual inspiration will come from. Don’t try to control it.

Don’t schedule a time for sex

Many sex therapists advise couples to just “put sex in the diary”. I think that’s a recipe for bad sex. It’s like making a dinner reservation, but when you get to the restaurant you’re not hungry. Instead, I recommend couples schedule a time to go to bed together to do nothing at all. Allow yourself to shift from your ordinary state of mind. You don’t always have to be “doing”. Take a breath and feel the air. If you’re feeling something, maybe express it to your partner. Or turn to them and say: “Hey, talk to me, what’s going on with you?” But keep it simple. Focus on the here and now.

In sex therapy, we call this the 2-Step, where Step 1 is cultivating awareness by going to bed with no agenda except to do absolutely nothing. That gets you ready for Step 2, where you let yourself become physically aware of your partner and notice any erotic feelings that might arise. Stay in the moment, if you can. Don’t try to arouse your partner. Just experience them — their voice, the scent of their hair, the way they feel in your arms and on your lips. You don’t need to feel desire to 2-Step, just a willingness to go wherever it might take you.

If you want lust to last, appearance matters

In my practice, what I hear most often from women is that they like their man to be diligent about grooming. He doesn’t have to be impeccably turned out just to watch TV on a Tuesday, but there’s no reason a man can’t be careful about how he presents himself, even if it’s just getting a nice haircut and trimming ear hair, nose hair, and eyebrows if they’re unruly, and maybe investing in a nice new set of boxers. And what about weight gain? It’s a sensitive subject, but it can matter. How lucky that near vision deteriorates in midlife. Every couple over 40 should have a dimmer switch in the bedroom, since none of us looks quite as good as when we were teenagers.

Truth is, most women in my practice say they’re turned off if a man has a pot belly, which is where most men tend to put on weight. But I haven’t seen much success with women telling their husbands to do sit-ups and watch their diet. That doesn’t seem to work any better with a man than it does with a woman, and it certainly won’t put your partner in the mood for sex. Instead, I recommend for a woman to lie him on his back, where his belly won’t look so prominent. Get on top, and focus on the parts of him that you do like.

Women like to feel passionately desired

Desiring a woman is more than just wanting to have sex with her. Most women crave a kind of erotic attention that has nothing to do with penetration or orgasm. It’s more likely to be from a shared look across a room, or in the moments before a first kiss. At its most intense, it’s feeling irresistible. That’s what makes erotic novels compelling for many women: the hero finds the heroine irresistible. He can’t stop thinking about her. So many women in my practice tell me they need to feel strongly desired. But that’s a tall order when you’ve been together for a long time, you’re busy with work and kids, and you both probably value a good night’s sleep more highly than sex.

I advise husbands, whenever you feel sexually attracted to your wife, don’t waste the moment. Act on it. Let’s say she’s in the kitchen wearing something nice, or changing, or just out of the shower. If you feel drawn to her in that moment, walk over, take her in your arms and hold her like you mean it — which of course you do. Kiss her passionately, inhale the scent of her hair, and say: “Did I ever tell you how attracted I am to you?” Most women in relationships say they need that show of desire more than they need sex.

Accept your partner for who they are

A wise old sex therapist colleague once asked me: “Why do women get bored with their husbands but not with their dogs?” I suspect it’s because most women accept that their dog is just a dog, but many have trouble accepting their husband for who he is. Some women tend to think of their male partner as a project, or a work in progress, and they forget to be thankful for what they’ve got. Most men are like cactus flowers — they don’t need much watering to bloom. Sometimes it’s best to leave your list of projects to the side and find something about your husband to enjoy or appreciate.

Be connoisseurs of your arousal

The happiest lovers savour arousal wherever they find it, whether it’s with a partner, alone, or through fantasy. They pay attention to what their arousal feels like. And happily, since taboos around female pleasure and sexuality have fallen away — and sex toys have improved — fewer women worry about having an orgasm through penetrative sex, making it easier to relax and enjoy the moment.

Cultivating arousal can be like learning to enjoy good wine. You begin to notice its components, like how arousal grabs your attention and makes you forget about non-essential things; how it makes you regress to a more spontaneous version of yourself; and how it touches your core sense of being. Many people spend lots of energy trying to produce strong arousal, as if that’s something you can control. Established couples who have good sex understand that there’s a passive element to it, as if you are riding a wave.

Remember to enjoy each other

In my practice I often ask women what they crave most in lovemaking. For some it’s a feeling of “surrender” with a partner who knows how to take charge. They appreciate a certain kind of male energy — confident, decisive and fully engaged. Many relationships start out with plenty of it, but as time passes the man runs out of steam and becomes inert and lacking in initiative. When couples like this are in treatment, the male partner will sometimes tell me he feels nothing he does makes her happy, so he withdraws to protect himself — which definitely makes her unhappy. And so her unhappiness and his lack of confidence just keep reinforcing each other in a vicious cycle.

The truth is that many men are quite sensitive to their partner feeling disappointed. It’s often worth reminding a man that a woman’s disappointment doesn’t have to be a calamity. It’s worth reminding her to enjoy him for who he is, rather than complaining about who he’s not. Male or female, deep down we all need to be enjoyed. Many men start manifesting confident male energy again once they feel their partner really appreciates them.

Most long-term committed couples don’t get excited together unless they’re going to have sex, which is an enormous mistake. This is a fork in the road early in a relationship. Once the fever of having sex passes, you’re faced with the decision whether to go right or left. Almost everybody goes left; they keep desire toned down, unless sex is on the menu. They don’t wear anything sexy to bed, they don’t play footsie under the table in a restaurant. It never occurs to them that arousal might have independent value. Why save it just for sex? The happiest couples, meanwhile, enjoy feeling turned on together just for its own sake, even if it’s just for a minute or two, even if they’re not going to have sex.

In sex therapy, we call this “simmering”. It’s what most of us did as teenagers — passionately kissing in the hallway between classes, then hearing the bell ring and darting off in opposite directions, feeling deliciously buzzed. In most adult relationships, the simmering is at least as important as the sex — if only because it’s easier to find time for. I suggest, whenever you might ordinarily kiss your partner, consider simmering them instead. Instead of waving them off to work with a peck on the cheek, simmer them goodbye. Hold them tight, feel their body, maybe rumple them up a bit, then send them on their way. And men, if you’re watching TV and your wife comes to kiss you goodnight, grasp her around the waist, pull her down to you and hold her tight. It may well lead to something more later — but it doesn’t have to.

Take responsibility for your own orgasm

Many women still think that if their male partner gets an erection, they’re responsible for relieving him of it. This makes no sense, since no one should ever feel obliged to do anything in bed they don’t want to do. What’s more, we men like being aroused. It’s not painful and if nothing sexual happens, an erection simply goes down. So if you’re lying in bed with your man and he gets excited, it’s totally fine to say: “Nice to know you’re happy to see me, but I’m really tired. OK if we just simmer for a minute, then go to sleep?”

Sometimes, though, he’ll crave an orgasm — just like sometimes a woman might crave an orgasm. He could always go to the bathroom to deal it himself, but it’s cold and lonely in there. The sexually happiest couples tend to compromise with something we sex therapists call “lazy sex”. They kiss, he holds her passionately with one hand, and with his other hand gives himself an orgasm. Some couples tell me they’ve always done this, especially when they were new parents and exhausted, or because their libidos don’t always align. Other couples, when I mention lazy sex, look at me as if I have three heads; as if taking a vow of marriage means swearing never again to touch your own genitals in bed. Obviously that’s a misreading of the marital contract.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Let’s Talk About Sex and Cancer

— A cancer diagnosis can change your sex life, but patience, experimentation and communication can help you get back on track.

By Liz Highleyman

Sexuality is an important part of life that contributes to overall well-being. Getting a cancer diagnosis, undergoing treatment and becoming a survivor can affect sexual desire and function. Surgery, radiation and chemotherapy not only alter the body, but they can also change how patients—and their partners—feel about their bodies and about sex.

“Sexuality is not synonymous with sexual activity. It covers intimacy, desire, arousal, orgasm and satisfaction,” says Don Dizon, MD, director of the Pelvic Malignancies Program and the Sexual Health First Responders Clinic at Brown University Health Cancer Center. “When it functions normally, we don’t think about it, but when something negatively affects who we are sexually and how we experience pleasure, it can be quite distressing.”

Research suggests that as many as 90% of people with breast, gynecological or prostate cancers experience difficulties with sexual desire or function. For women, the most frequently reported problems include vaginal dryness or atrophy and pain during intercourse (dyspareunia). For men, erectile dysfunction is a common problem. People of any gender may experience loss of sexual desire (libido) and difficulty reaching orgasm.

Treatment for breast, cervical, ovarian or prostate cancers may involve removal of the ovaries or testes or use of hormone therapy to slow the growth of tumors with estrogen, progesterone or androgen (male hormone) receptors. This can put younger women into sudden menopause and can cause numerous side effects for postmenopausal women and men as well. In an effort to prevent cancer recurrence, such treatment may last for years.

But sexual problems are not only a concern for people with cancers that affect the reproductive system. Surgery or radiation for any type of cancer in the pelvic region can lead to scarring and damage to organs, nerves and blood vessels that play a role in sexual function. Treatment for anal cancer can impact the sex lives of gay men and others who enjoy anal sex. Some people with bladder or colorectal cancer will need an ostomy bag to collect urine or feces. One bright spot, however, is that the recent trend toward active surveillance, less invasive surgery, more targeted radiation therapy and lower medication doses can lessen negative outcomes.

Beyond the direct physical effects, cancer and its treatment can also take an emotional toll. Chemotherapy, other cancer medications and radiation can cause side effects such as fatigue, nausea and pain that can leave people uninterested in sex. Hair loss or weight changes due to chemotherapy or removal of a breast can lead to self-con­sciousness or a poor body image. And simply facing cancer can trigger stress, insomnia, anxiety and depression, all of which can kill the mood.

Often, the cancer experience brings couples closer together, but sometimes it can drive them apart. Partners might have a hard time understanding a lack of sexual interest and may need time to adapt to changes in appearance and function. Some partners may withdraw emotionally or fear that sex will cause harm. What’s more, changing roles—for example, when a spouse becomes a caregiver—can affect sexual relationships. Single people may have concerns about when to bring up cancer while dating, and they may be hesitant to start new relationships if their prognosis is uncertain.

“Sometimes cancer can make a relationship stronger. My partner was so loving and supportive, I fell more in love. But for some, it’s a deal-breaker,” says Annie Sprinkle, PhD, a former adult film star and current performance artist who holds a doctorate in human sexuality. “Cancer is going to change you. You have to accept that, and your partner has to accept it.”

Sprinkle was diagnosed with early breast cancer about 20 years ago and had lumpectomies, radiation and chemotherapy, which caused “instant menopause.” Years later, when she got scans after a car accident, doctors found signs of lung cancer, and she underwent surgery again. In characteristic fashion, Sprinkle and her partner, University of California Santa Cruz art professor Beth Stephens, PhD, made cancer a theme of their art.

Cancer patients and survivors can take steps to improve their sexual desire and function before, during and after treatment. Patience, experimentation and communication are keys to a better sex life.

For women, estrogen replacement therapy may improve menopausal symptoms, but this is often not possible for those with hormone-driven cancers. Estrogen creams or vaginal rings can relieve dryness and irritation without increasing the risk for cancer progression or recurrence. A recent study showed that Addyi (flibanserin), a drug that helps balance neurotransmitters in the brain, improved sexual desire, arousal and satisfaction for women with breast cancer. Modern breast surgery techniques are less likely to cause lasting changes in mobility and sensation. Most women have reconstructive surgery after breast removal, but going flat is also an option.

For men, decisions about testosterone replacement therapy to revive a flagging libido can be a balancing act between managing symptoms and minimizing the risk of cancer recurrence. For some men, drugs like Viagra (sildenafil) or Cialis (tadalafil) are effective for treating erectile dysfunction. Penile injections, inflatable implants or vacuum pumps may also be an option. Some experts recommend “erectile rehabilitation,” or regular use of medications and vacuum pumps to achieve an erection even when sex is not desired.

For everyone, eating a balanced diet, getting enough exercise, maintaining a healthy weight and getting adequate sleep contribute to overall quality of life, including sexual well-being. Studies have shown that aerobic exercise, pelvic floor exercises, yoga and meditation can help improve libido and sexual function. Exercises that strengthen the pelvic muscles, in particular, can reduce pain during intercourse, prevent urine leakage during sex and lead to firmer erections.

Time and patience can go a long way. Some sexual symptoms are likely to improve after treatment is completed. Nerves and blood vessels injured by surgery or radiation can sometimes repair themselves, but this can take months or even years. Give yourself time to heal before resuming vaginal or anal sex. Due to a waning libido, sex may not be as spontaneous as it used to be. You might need to plan ahead for when you have more energy or to give erectile dysfunction meds time to work. Adapting to physical and emotional changes can be a prolonged process for both the person with cancer and their partner.

“I like to say, the only answer to any question about sex is, ‘It depends.’ That’s spot-on when it comes to sex and cancer,” Sprinkle says. “Parts of your body might be numb or nervy or have scar tissue, or you can’t have weight on top of you. Forget everything and do it your way. There’s no right way—there’s just what works for you.”

Experimentation is key. Before resuming sex with a partner, it might be helpful to explore your own body and its changing sensations to figure out what feels good—or doesn’t—now. Tune in to novel sensations, and try new positions that might be more comfortable. Some people may choose to wear sexy clothing to hold a breast prosthesis in place or cover a chemo port or ostomy bag. Lubricants can relieve vaginal dryness—many different types are available. Likewise, there’s a wide variety of vibrators and other sex toys to try. Men who are unable to have an erection can usually still experience sexual sensations and learn to achieve orgasm without ejaculation. If intercourse is not possible, explore other ways to maintain intimacy. Your sex life may be different than it was before cancer, but it can still be pleasurable.

“Sometimes people have too narrow a definition of sex,” says Sprinkle. “Get out of the idea that sex is only about intercourse. Find what turns you on. If nothing does, at least have sensual pleasure, like massage or cuddling. Anything can be sex if it gives you pleasure or you find it sensual or erotic. Your sex life can become your pleasure life.”

Open communication is among the most important factors, both between partners and between people with cancer and their health care providers. Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling physically, mentally and emotionally. Discuss what you want out of your sex lives and how to satis­fy both of you. If this is difficult, a marriage or couples counselor or sex therapist might be able to help.

Early in your journey, have frank discussions with your care team—doctors, nurses, mental health therapists and social workers—about how cancer and its treatment could affect your sexual well-being and how to prevent or ameliorate problems. Some cancer centers have sexual health specialists and offer sexual rehabilitation programs. Forewarned is forearmed.

Unfortunately, a majority of cancer patients report that they did not receive adequate sexual health information before, during or after treatment. In part, this is due to a stereotype that older people are not interested in sex. Finding appropriate information can be especially challenging for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. For their part, most oncologists say they never received training in managing sexual problems. Patients often say they don’t want to make their doctors uncomfortable, while doctors say they don’t want to make their patients uncomfortable. Don’t be afraid to make the first move.

“Sexuality does not have to be another part of one’s life ‘lost’ to cancer,” says Dizon. “To avoid conversations around sexuality after cancer robs people of the opportunity to fully participate in a domain that defines us as human beings.”

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I’m Abstinent For My Faith

— But I Can’t Stop Thinking About Sex

By Hena Bryan

I came to the unsettling realisation that the Christian girls I grew up with were rarely taught about sex, sexuality, or even our own bodies. In fact, of all the Christian girls and women I’ve spoken with, none shared being spoken to about sex in a way that explained it; instead, sex was only shunned. As a result, we spent much of our religious journeys subduing our sexual urges that we overlooked said lack of guidance and education—coming to terms with this was difficult.

We were all once told to wait until marriage before engaging in any sexual activity, with almost no guidance on what to expect when puberty hits and sexual desire becomes overwhelming. When sex is finally discussed, it’s often framed as something we should endure rather than enjoy, and our sexuality is suppressed rather than explored. We’re taught that desire is sinful, and sex—unless within the confines of marriage—should be avoided. Even then, it’s often implied that it should be vanilla and restrained. This lack of education can create deep-seated issues that take years, sometimes decades, to unpack and overcome.

Growing up in a Pentecostal Church and Christian household, I spent most of my childhood and adolescence surrounded by adults who adhered strictly to biblical principles. As a result, I held onto my virginity until curiosity and hormones ultimately prevailed. I had sex for the first time at 18 and the experience was underwhelming, both physically and emotionally. By that age, I had seen enough media to know that a first sexual encounter is often awkward and uncomfortable. Yet surprisingly, the physical discomfort wasn’t the hardest part; it was the alien sensation of sexual feelings within my own body. For the first few years of being sexually active, I wrestled with the belief that I was doomed to eternal damnation, not only for having sex but for wanting it.

Sex eventually became more enjoyable, though I can’t pinpoint exactly when or how this shift occurred. I credit it largely to Christian women who bravely shared that they too struggled with similar feelings. Through countless stories of unwanted pregnancies, poor sexual health, sexual assault and the emotional toll of navigating sex without proper guidance, I discovered a common thread: a lack of sexual education.

Whilst this is not the case in all churches, many of us received ill-informed abstinence-only sex education from our religious leaders, and the consequences are striking when considered against research. In the American Journal of Sexuality Education, researchers Sharon E. Hoefer and Richard Hoefer suggest abstinence-only education is less effective at preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) than comprehensive sex education. Also, American sex-positive therapist and educator Ann R., in her essay “The Intersection of Faith and Sexuality: Focusing on Female Sexuality and Shame”, notes that “Christian teachings have framed sexuality, especially female sexuality, in terms of purity and sin, often leading to a culture of shame. This framework not only restricts women’s understanding of their own bodies and desires but also places a heavy burden of moral responsibility on them.” Sadly, many of us were left to navigate our sexual desires and bodies without understanding how they fit within our faith, leading to years of internal conflict as we grappled with the notion that sexuality and spirituality couldn’t coexist.

In my mid-20s, I rededicated myself to Jesus Christ. By then I had gained enough spiritual insight to understand why, within Christian teachings, God commanded that sex be reserved for marriage. Through my experiences, I realised that when defined solely by worldly or scientific standards, sex often felt devoid of deeper meaning — an understanding that ultimately conflicted with both my faith and my nature as a sexual being.

This realisation led me to a renewed commitment to my faith as well as to abstinence but the journey has not been without challenges — especially as a single woman who is open to dating and romantic connections. The most difficult times are around ovulation when, due to my biological makeup, my sexual desires become incredibly strong. During these periods, it’s almost as if my body and mind are working against my faith, making it hard to focus on anything other than the desire for sexual intimacy. When I’m dating someone I’m attracted to, it becomes even harder because those thoughts aren’t just abstract; they’re about someone real, someone who’s right there, making it easy to imagine actualising those desires.

“
Every girl and woman deserves to be educated by their caregivers and their church in a way that affirms that our desires and our faith are not separate forces working against each other.
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Despite my strong faith, these moments feel like a test of my Christian walk and the struggle to remain abstinent can feel like a setup for failure. It’s during these times that I wrestle most with my beliefs, questioning not only my ability to stay true to them but also what this struggle means for my spiritual journey. The tension between my physical desires and spiritual conviction highlights a deeper internal conflict. On one hand, my faith teaches me that abstinence is a virtue, a testament to my dedication to God. On the other hand, my body’s natural urges are an inescapable part of who I am and denying them can sometimes feel like denying that I’m human.

This ongoing battle raises important questions about how we navigate faith, desire and identity in a world that often sees these aspects of our humanity as incompatible. I’ve come to understand that this tension isn’t just about sex or abstinence; it’s about the broader challenge of integrating faith with the reality of human experience. It’s about learning to live in the space between desire and devotion, where the two don’t have to be at odds. This understanding doesn’t necessarily make the struggle easier but it offers a framework for approaching it with compassion.

I’ve often found myself scouring the internet, searching for literature that makes me feel less alone in this battle, but I often come up short, typically encountering women using aliases to ask similar questions or men of faith offering half-baked answers. I wish more people contributed to this conversation because a lack of sexual education can lead women to believe that sex is a matter of servitude, where our needs are secondary or even irrelevant and the maintenance of purity — real or assumed — is paramount. The more I’ve reflected on my own journey, the more I’ve realised that we have to do the work collectively to reconcile the fact that God created us as sexual beings. Every girl and woman deserves to be educated by their caregivers and their church in a way that affirms that our desires and our faith are not separate forces working against each other but integral parts of our human experience and God’s design for us.

As I continue on this journey, I realise that the questions and conflicts I face are not unique to me. Many Christian women grapple with similar issues, caught between the teachings of their faith and the realities of their bodies. What’s important is that we create spaces where these struggles can be discussed openly and without shame, acknowledging that our desires don’t make us less faithful or less worthy of God’s love.

Ultimately, my journey has taught me that faith isn’t about having all the answers or living without doubt — it’s about the constant effort to seek understanding and reconcile the parts of us that feel at odds with one another. For many Christian women, there’s a pervasive belief that our sexuality and our spirituality must be kept separate and, most importantly, secret. But my experience has shown me that this division isn’t necessary or even healthy. Our spiritual journey isn’t a straight path; it’s a complex, winding road that demands patience, self-compassion and a willingness to embrace all aspects of who we are, including our sexuality.

I’ve learned that true faith isn’t about following a set of rules — it’s about navigating the intricate balance between desire and devotion with a heart that is committed to love, both for God and for ourselves. This process has required me to challenge long-held beliefs, to seek out conversations that are often avoided and accept that my sexual desires are not separate from my spirituality but are a part of the beautiful, complex human experience God designed for me. All Christian women deserve to be educated and empowered in a way that honours this truth so that we can fully integrate our faith with our human nature and live lives that are whole, authentic and deeply connected to God’s purpose.

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