Tag: Sex Education

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10 Men’s Sexual Health Questions That Are Too Embarrassing to Ask

Sometimes asking questions about sex can be embarrassing—even for adults. Here are questions ranging from alcohol and sex to ejaculation disorders. Sometimes asking questions about sex can be embarrassing—even for adults. Here are ten common questions men ask their Men’s Health providers at University of Utah Health ranging from alcohol and sex to ejaculation disorders.

1. Do Different Sex Positions Increase or Decrease Chances of Pregnancy?

No. Regardless of what sexual position you use, vaginal sex can cause pregnancy.

2. Can I Drink Alcohol With Viagra and Cialis?

Yes, there will not be a bad interaction between the two. Keep in mind that when you drink alcohol, your erection may not be as firm and the medication may not work as well.

3. Is There a Surgery That Can Increase the Size of My Penis?

Even an implanted penile prosthetic will not increase the size of your penis. If you are overweight, getting to your ideal body weight will help restore some of the length you have lost since gaining weight.

Many men will ask about injections to add girth and if there is a procedure to increase penis length. The AUA (American Urological Association) considers fat injections (to increase penile girth) and suspensory ligament division surgery (to increase length) to be unsafe and ineffective.

4. Is My Penis Average in Size Compared to Other Men?

This is a question that is hard to answer, and one that many men wonder about. There are many different techniques to measure penis length, including the amount of force the clinician uses to stretch the penis.

Also, some men will see a significant change in penis length once it is erect. Others will notice that their penis only becomes more rigid. There is not a number that men should set as their benchmark.

Some medical conditions and surgical procedures can reduce the length of your penis. We cannot always restore the length you lose.

The biggest take-home for patients regarding this is to keep a healthy weight. Get care if you feel like your erections are not rigid enough or if you have other concerns about your penis.

5. How Long Should My Erection Last During Sex?

The answer to this question is completely different per person. There is not a standard time that all men should be able to maintain an erection.

For most men, the goal is to get an erection that is rigid enough for penetrative sex and that lasts until both partners are satisfied. We counsel patients that if an erection has lasted over three to four hours and is painful, they should get care with the nearest emergency room. This condition is called priapism.

6. What Is Considered Premature Ejaculation?

There is not a standard amount of time that an erection should last before ejaculating. The AUA defines premature ejaculation as “ejaculation that occurs sooner than desired, either before or shortly after penetration, causing distress to either one or both partners.”

There is not a lab test that can determine this. This diagnosis is made based on a patient’s report and a physician assessment. Treatment options are available. Your provider can help you decide which is best for you.

7. You Don’t Ejaculate After an Orgasm—What Causes This?

Various surgeries or medications can cause a man not to ejaculate after an orgasm. This is called anejaculation. The semen can also go backwards into the bladder, which is called retrograde ejaculation. Common causes of anejaculation can be associated with:

  • Prostatectomy or other prostate procedures such as transurethral resection of the prostate (TURP)
  • Taking Flomax (Tamsulosin)
  • Diabetes
  • Nerve injuries

8. Are Orgasms and Ejaculation Different?

Yes. Typically, an orgasm is the pleasure you experience while ejaculating. Men can have an orgasm without ejaculation. Men can also ejaculate before orgasm. Additionally, it’s possible to have an orgasm and ejaculation without an erection that is satisfying for sex. These conditions can have various causes, some that can be identified and treated, and others that can’t.

9. How Much Ejaculate Should I Have?

Ideally, men should have at least 1.5mL of ejaculate. This is equal to 0.304 US teaspoons, so it is not a large volume. As men age, the amount of ejaculate begins to decrease. If you notice a big difference suddenly, you’ll want to contact your provider.

It’s OK to have more, but if you are noticing significantly less over time, especially during the time you are trying to get pregnant, you should see a urologist.

10. Is a Curved Penis Normal?

Some men have a slightly curved penis that has been present for quite some time. If it is not painful and does not bother you, that is normal. If it’s painful or bothers you, then make an appointment with a men’s health doctor. Your doctor will evaluate your condition and discuss your treatment options.

If you notice a new curve to your penis and that bothers you with either pain or appearance, be seen by a doctor. This curve can impact your erections, which is another element that can be evaluated and treated.

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What a sex therapist wishes all couples knew

— Desire doesn’t have to dwindle in long-term relationships, says Dr Stephen Snyder. Here’s the advice he gives married couples in his clinic

By Anna Maxted

How do you keep the passion alive when you’ve been with your partner for decades? Dr Stephen Snyder, the therapist and author whose book Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship is a bestseller, has the answers. Having worked with hundreds of married couples over 30 years, he explains why desire often dwindles over the years — and how to rekindle it.

Don’t expect sex to knock your socks off every single time

If you ask people to recall the greatest sex of their life, most will admit that it wasn’t in the context of a committed relationship. More often they’ll recall something novel, unexpected, or possibly even forbidden. There is something uniquely thrilling about the first time you get naked with someone.

If you seek that kind of thrill within a committed relationship, as many do, you’re likely to be disappointed and frustrated. I tell couples in my clinic, don’t compare apples and oranges. Better if you can learn to listen carefully to your own arousal, and to the particular feeling your partner arouses in you. I don’t think of it as a “spark” — that word is too dramatic. Pay attention to that vibration, and be open to hearing it. You never know where sexual inspiration will come from. Don’t try to control it.

Don’t schedule a time for sex

Many sex therapists advise couples to just “put sex in the diary”. I think that’s a recipe for bad sex. It’s like making a dinner reservation, but when you get to the restaurant you’re not hungry. Instead, I recommend couples schedule a time to go to bed together to do nothing at all. Allow yourself to shift from your ordinary state of mind. You don’t always have to be “doing”. Take a breath and feel the air. If you’re feeling something, maybe express it to your partner. Or turn to them and say: “Hey, talk to me, what’s going on with you?” But keep it simple. Focus on the here and now.

In sex therapy, we call this the 2-Step, where Step 1 is cultivating awareness by going to bed with no agenda except to do absolutely nothing. That gets you ready for Step 2, where you let yourself become physically aware of your partner and notice any erotic feelings that might arise. Stay in the moment, if you can. Don’t try to arouse your partner. Just experience them — their voice, the scent of their hair, the way they feel in your arms and on your lips. You don’t need to feel desire to 2-Step, just a willingness to go wherever it might take you.

If you want lust to last, appearance matters

In my practice, what I hear most often from women is that they like their man to be diligent about grooming. He doesn’t have to be impeccably turned out just to watch TV on a Tuesday, but there’s no reason a man can’t be careful about how he presents himself, even if it’s just getting a nice haircut and trimming ear hair, nose hair, and eyebrows if they’re unruly, and maybe investing in a nice new set of boxers. And what about weight gain? It’s a sensitive subject, but it can matter. How lucky that near vision deteriorates in midlife. Every couple over 40 should have a dimmer switch in the bedroom, since none of us looks quite as good as when we were teenagers.

Truth is, most women in my practice say they’re turned off if a man has a pot belly, which is where most men tend to put on weight. But I haven’t seen much success with women telling their husbands to do sit-ups and watch their diet. That doesn’t seem to work any better with a man than it does with a woman, and it certainly won’t put your partner in the mood for sex. Instead, I recommend for a woman to lie him on his back, where his belly won’t look so prominent. Get on top, and focus on the parts of him that you do like.

Women like to feel passionately desired

Desiring a woman is more than just wanting to have sex with her. Most women crave a kind of erotic attention that has nothing to do with penetration or orgasm. It’s more likely to be from a shared look across a room, or in the moments before a first kiss. At its most intense, it’s feeling irresistible. That’s what makes erotic novels compelling for many women: the hero finds the heroine irresistible. He can’t stop thinking about her. So many women in my practice tell me they need to feel strongly desired. But that’s a tall order when you’ve been together for a long time, you’re busy with work and kids, and you both probably value a good night’s sleep more highly than sex.

I advise husbands, whenever you feel sexually attracted to your wife, don’t waste the moment. Act on it. Let’s say she’s in the kitchen wearing something nice, or changing, or just out of the shower. If you feel drawn to her in that moment, walk over, take her in your arms and hold her like you mean it — which of course you do. Kiss her passionately, inhale the scent of her hair, and say: “Did I ever tell you how attracted I am to you?” Most women in relationships say they need that show of desire more than they need sex.

Accept your partner for who they are

A wise old sex therapist colleague once asked me: “Why do women get bored with their husbands but not with their dogs?” I suspect it’s because most women accept that their dog is just a dog, but many have trouble accepting their husband for who he is. Some women tend to think of their male partner as a project, or a work in progress, and they forget to be thankful for what they’ve got. Most men are like cactus flowers — they don’t need much watering to bloom. Sometimes it’s best to leave your list of projects to the side and find something about your husband to enjoy or appreciate.

Be connoisseurs of your arousal

The happiest lovers savour arousal wherever they find it, whether it’s with a partner, alone, or through fantasy. They pay attention to what their arousal feels like. And happily, since taboos around female pleasure and sexuality have fallen away — and sex toys have improved — fewer women worry about having an orgasm through penetrative sex, making it easier to relax and enjoy the moment.

Cultivating arousal can be like learning to enjoy good wine. You begin to notice its components, like how arousal grabs your attention and makes you forget about non-essential things; how it makes you regress to a more spontaneous version of yourself; and how it touches your core sense of being. Many people spend lots of energy trying to produce strong arousal, as if that’s something you can control. Established couples who have good sex understand that there’s a passive element to it, as if you are riding a wave.

Remember to enjoy each other

In my practice I often ask women what they crave most in lovemaking. For some it’s a feeling of “surrender” with a partner who knows how to take charge. They appreciate a certain kind of male energy — confident, decisive and fully engaged. Many relationships start out with plenty of it, but as time passes the man runs out of steam and becomes inert and lacking in initiative. When couples like this are in treatment, the male partner will sometimes tell me he feels nothing he does makes her happy, so he withdraws to protect himself — which definitely makes her unhappy. And so her unhappiness and his lack of confidence just keep reinforcing each other in a vicious cycle.

The truth is that many men are quite sensitive to their partner feeling disappointed. It’s often worth reminding a man that a woman’s disappointment doesn’t have to be a calamity. It’s worth reminding her to enjoy him for who he is, rather than complaining about who he’s not. Male or female, deep down we all need to be enjoyed. Many men start manifesting confident male energy again once they feel their partner really appreciates them.

Most long-term committed couples don’t get excited together unless they’re going to have sex, which is an enormous mistake. This is a fork in the road early in a relationship. Once the fever of having sex passes, you’re faced with the decision whether to go right or left. Almost everybody goes left; they keep desire toned down, unless sex is on the menu. They don’t wear anything sexy to bed, they don’t play footsie under the table in a restaurant. It never occurs to them that arousal might have independent value. Why save it just for sex? The happiest couples, meanwhile, enjoy feeling turned on together just for its own sake, even if it’s just for a minute or two, even if they’re not going to have sex.

In sex therapy, we call this “simmering”. It’s what most of us did as teenagers — passionately kissing in the hallway between classes, then hearing the bell ring and darting off in opposite directions, feeling deliciously buzzed. In most adult relationships, the simmering is at least as important as the sex — if only because it’s easier to find time for. I suggest, whenever you might ordinarily kiss your partner, consider simmering them instead. Instead of waving them off to work with a peck on the cheek, simmer them goodbye. Hold them tight, feel their body, maybe rumple them up a bit, then send them on their way. And men, if you’re watching TV and your wife comes to kiss you goodnight, grasp her around the waist, pull her down to you and hold her tight. It may well lead to something more later — but it doesn’t have to.

Take responsibility for your own orgasm

Many women still think that if their male partner gets an erection, they’re responsible for relieving him of it. This makes no sense, since no one should ever feel obliged to do anything in bed they don’t want to do. What’s more, we men like being aroused. It’s not painful and if nothing sexual happens, an erection simply goes down. So if you’re lying in bed with your man and he gets excited, it’s totally fine to say: “Nice to know you’re happy to see me, but I’m really tired. OK if we just simmer for a minute, then go to sleep?”

Sometimes, though, he’ll crave an orgasm — just like sometimes a woman might crave an orgasm. He could always go to the bathroom to deal it himself, but it’s cold and lonely in there. The sexually happiest couples tend to compromise with something we sex therapists call “lazy sex”. They kiss, he holds her passionately with one hand, and with his other hand gives himself an orgasm. Some couples tell me they’ve always done this, especially when they were new parents and exhausted, or because their libidos don’t always align. Other couples, when I mention lazy sex, look at me as if I have three heads; as if taking a vow of marriage means swearing never again to touch your own genitals in bed. Obviously that’s a misreading of the marital contract.

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I’m Abstinent For My Faith

— But I Can’t Stop Thinking About Sex

By Hena Bryan

I came to the unsettling realisation that the Christian girls I grew up with were rarely taught about sex, sexuality, or even our own bodies. In fact, of all the Christian girls and women I’ve spoken with, none shared being spoken to about sex in a way that explained it; instead, sex was only shunned. As a result, we spent much of our religious journeys subduing our sexual urges that we overlooked said lack of guidance and education—coming to terms with this was difficult.

We were all once told to wait until marriage before engaging in any sexual activity, with almost no guidance on what to expect when puberty hits and sexual desire becomes overwhelming. When sex is finally discussed, it’s often framed as something we should endure rather than enjoy, and our sexuality is suppressed rather than explored. We’re taught that desire is sinful, and sex—unless within the confines of marriage—should be avoided. Even then, it’s often implied that it should be vanilla and restrained. This lack of education can create deep-seated issues that take years, sometimes decades, to unpack and overcome.

Growing up in a Pentecostal Church and Christian household, I spent most of my childhood and adolescence surrounded by adults who adhered strictly to biblical principles. As a result, I held onto my virginity until curiosity and hormones ultimately prevailed. I had sex for the first time at 18 and the experience was underwhelming, both physically and emotionally. By that age, I had seen enough media to know that a first sexual encounter is often awkward and uncomfortable. Yet surprisingly, the physical discomfort wasn’t the hardest part; it was the alien sensation of sexual feelings within my own body. For the first few years of being sexually active, I wrestled with the belief that I was doomed to eternal damnation, not only for having sex but for wanting it.

Sex eventually became more enjoyable, though I can’t pinpoint exactly when or how this shift occurred. I credit it largely to Christian women who bravely shared that they too struggled with similar feelings. Through countless stories of unwanted pregnancies, poor sexual health, sexual assault and the emotional toll of navigating sex without proper guidance, I discovered a common thread: a lack of sexual education.

Whilst this is not the case in all churches, many of us received ill-informed abstinence-only sex education from our religious leaders, and the consequences are striking when considered against research. In the American Journal of Sexuality Education, researchers Sharon E. Hoefer and Richard Hoefer suggest abstinence-only education is less effective at preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) than comprehensive sex education. Also, American sex-positive therapist and educator Ann R., in her essay “The Intersection of Faith and Sexuality: Focusing on Female Sexuality and Shame”, notes that “Christian teachings have framed sexuality, especially female sexuality, in terms of purity and sin, often leading to a culture of shame. This framework not only restricts women’s understanding of their own bodies and desires but also places a heavy burden of moral responsibility on them.” Sadly, many of us were left to navigate our sexual desires and bodies without understanding how they fit within our faith, leading to years of internal conflict as we grappled with the notion that sexuality and spirituality couldn’t coexist.

In my mid-20s, I rededicated myself to Jesus Christ. By then I had gained enough spiritual insight to understand why, within Christian teachings, God commanded that sex be reserved for marriage. Through my experiences, I realised that when defined solely by worldly or scientific standards, sex often felt devoid of deeper meaning — an understanding that ultimately conflicted with both my faith and my nature as a sexual being.

This realisation led me to a renewed commitment to my faith as well as to abstinence but the journey has not been without challenges — especially as a single woman who is open to dating and romantic connections. The most difficult times are around ovulation when, due to my biological makeup, my sexual desires become incredibly strong. During these periods, it’s almost as if my body and mind are working against my faith, making it hard to focus on anything other than the desire for sexual intimacy. When I’m dating someone I’m attracted to, it becomes even harder because those thoughts aren’t just abstract; they’re about someone real, someone who’s right there, making it easy to imagine actualising those desires.

“
Every girl and woman deserves to be educated by their caregivers and their church in a way that affirms that our desires and our faith are not separate forces working against each other.
”

Despite my strong faith, these moments feel like a test of my Christian walk and the struggle to remain abstinent can feel like a setup for failure. It’s during these times that I wrestle most with my beliefs, questioning not only my ability to stay true to them but also what this struggle means for my spiritual journey. The tension between my physical desires and spiritual conviction highlights a deeper internal conflict. On one hand, my faith teaches me that abstinence is a virtue, a testament to my dedication to God. On the other hand, my body’s natural urges are an inescapable part of who I am and denying them can sometimes feel like denying that I’m human.

This ongoing battle raises important questions about how we navigate faith, desire and identity in a world that often sees these aspects of our humanity as incompatible. I’ve come to understand that this tension isn’t just about sex or abstinence; it’s about the broader challenge of integrating faith with the reality of human experience. It’s about learning to live in the space between desire and devotion, where the two don’t have to be at odds. This understanding doesn’t necessarily make the struggle easier but it offers a framework for approaching it with compassion.

I’ve often found myself scouring the internet, searching for literature that makes me feel less alone in this battle, but I often come up short, typically encountering women using aliases to ask similar questions or men of faith offering half-baked answers. I wish more people contributed to this conversation because a lack of sexual education can lead women to believe that sex is a matter of servitude, where our needs are secondary or even irrelevant and the maintenance of purity — real or assumed — is paramount. The more I’ve reflected on my own journey, the more I’ve realised that we have to do the work collectively to reconcile the fact that God created us as sexual beings. Every girl and woman deserves to be educated by their caregivers and their church in a way that affirms that our desires and our faith are not separate forces working against each other but integral parts of our human experience and God’s design for us.

As I continue on this journey, I realise that the questions and conflicts I face are not unique to me. Many Christian women grapple with similar issues, caught between the teachings of their faith and the realities of their bodies. What’s important is that we create spaces where these struggles can be discussed openly and without shame, acknowledging that our desires don’t make us less faithful or less worthy of God’s love.

Ultimately, my journey has taught me that faith isn’t about having all the answers or living without doubt — it’s about the constant effort to seek understanding and reconcile the parts of us that feel at odds with one another. For many Christian women, there’s a pervasive belief that our sexuality and our spirituality must be kept separate and, most importantly, secret. But my experience has shown me that this division isn’t necessary or even healthy. Our spiritual journey isn’t a straight path; it’s a complex, winding road that demands patience, self-compassion and a willingness to embrace all aspects of who we are, including our sexuality.

I’ve learned that true faith isn’t about following a set of rules — it’s about navigating the intricate balance between desire and devotion with a heart that is committed to love, both for God and for ourselves. This process has required me to challenge long-held beliefs, to seek out conversations that are often avoided and accept that my sexual desires are not separate from my spirituality but are a part of the beautiful, complex human experience God designed for me. All Christian women deserve to be educated and empowered in a way that honours this truth so that we can fully integrate our faith with our human nature and live lives that are whole, authentic and deeply connected to God’s purpose.

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What’s the difference between abstinence and celibacy?

— Many young people are abstaining from sex and call themselves celibate. But what’s the difference between abstinence vs celibacy?

By Daryl Austin

Once thought to be largely motivated by religious beliefs, celibacy has become a popular way for people to reconnect with themselves, gain control over sexual desires and find more meaningful relationships. Some people refraining from sex say they practice abstinence — but is there a difference between abstinence and celibacy?

A multitude of influencers and celebrities have publicly touted not having sex. Actor Andrew Garfield has been public about trying out celibacy for a time; ditto for Justin Bieber. Musician Lenny Kravitz said in an interview that he has been celibate for years for spiritual reasons; and singer and model Suki Waterhouse has credited her “bout of celibacy” for helping her end up in a happy relationship with boyfriend Robert Pattinson.

According to Psychology Today research from July 2024, about 1 in 6 women and 1 in 10 men say they are deliberately taking a break from sex and dating,

While experts can’t isolate the increasing rates of celibacy or abstinence to one factor alone, they do speak about some of the reasons more people are engaging in the practice — plus some of the upsides or downsides that may come from doing so.

Are abstinence and celibacy the same thing? 

Sexual abstinence and celibacy are both terms that refer to choosing not to have sex or partake in certain sexual behaviors, and they are often used interchangeably. However, they differ depending on the intention behind not having sex.

“Celibacy is often associated with religious vows or motivation,” Kim Polinder, a certified relationship coach and the host of the podcast “Engineering Love,” tells TODAY.com.

When one chooses celibacy for spiritual reasons, it usually means refraining from all sexual activity, whereas abstinence usually means refraining from specific sexual activities for a specific time period or under specific circumstances, such as wanting to wait to have sex until marriage. “Abstinence can be more flexible,” where celibacy is more of “a long-term choice,” she says.

Brooke Sprowl, a licensed therapist and the clinical director of My LA Therapy in California, agrees. “Celibacy is a conscious, often long-term commitment rooted in deeper personal or spiritual beliefs,” she tells TODAY.com.

“When someone chooses celibacy, they’re often embracing a lifestyle that prioritizes their emotional, spiritual or personal growth over the complexities that sexual relationships can bring — a choice that’s intertwined with a larger purpose but doesn’t have to be related to spiritual devotion.”

Can you kiss and still be celibate?

Some people practicing celibacy kiss, whereas others do not. That’s because the specific sexual activities a person chooses to refrain from are entirely up to the individual.

“When people define themselves as celibate, whether for a period of time or as a lifestyle commitment, they can place the boundary wherever they choose,” Dr. Donald Cole, a licensed marriage and family counselor and clinical director of the Gottman Institute in Seattle, tells TODAY.com.

Some people, he says, choose no sexual activity at all. Others allow only kissing, some choose to draw the line at the touching of breasts or genitals, and others say only intercourse is off limits.

“The key is that celibacy is a personal decision, with each person defining what it means for them based on their unique motivations and values,” says Sprowl.

Why do people choose to be celibate? 

There are a variety of reasons people choose to be celibate.

Religion or spirituality

“Ascribing to religious or spiritual beliefs is the most common reason for celibacy,” Dr. Paul Turek, a men’s fertility physician and the director of the Turek Clinic in San Francisco, tells TODAY.com.

When motivated by religious beliefs, Polinder says that celibacy can help one better focus on spiritual service and a deeper connection to a higher power.

“Others might choose celibacy for purity reasons, such as ‘saving yourself’ before marriage, to maintain moral integrity, or as a way to create space for focusing on personal growth,” she says.

Taking control of one’s body

“Abstinence is … a way to assert control over one’s physical body, rejecting societal pressures or expectations around expected sexual behavior,” says Polinder.

Individuals who have experienced sexual trauma might also choose celibacy or abstinence “to heal from the negative experience,” says Cole.

Improving relationship quality

Sometimes, Sprowl says, individuals choose celibacy or abstinence “as a way to break free from unhealthy patterns of codependency or to avoid the emotional entanglements … that can come with sexual relationships.”

Polinder explains that “other people wish to remain celibate while in a relationship until a certain level of trust and commitment are achieved.”

Avoiding health risks of sex

“Some people choose celibacy to avoid certain consequences of having sex — including painful sex, sexually transmitted infections, unwanted pregnancy or undesired emotions,” Turek adds.

What are the benefits of being celibate? 

“The benefits of celibacy can be profound,” says Sprowl.

Self-reflection

The first benefit Sprowl points to is “allowing individuals to better understand their own needs and desires without the complications that often accompany sexual relationships.” It can also “(offer) a space for deep self-reflection and the development of a stronger sense of self.”

Personal growth

Cole says celibacy can help one focus more time and energy “on work, education or personal growth.” It can also facilitate healing from a negative relationship or provide a sense of safety, “as meeting people and beginning relationships sometimes creates unexpected dangers and anxieties, which are avoided by celibacy.”

Turek adds: “Celibacy can also bolster personal character traits such as restraint, patience and compassion.”

Avoiding health risks from sex

Turek says that abstaining from sex also has the practical benefits of no longer needing birth control, lowering risk of sexually transmitted infections and avoiding unplanned pregnancies.

Prioritizing emotional intimacy

Celibacy can give a couple in a new relationship “the opportunity to focus on their friendship first in order to create more meaningful emotional intimacy rather than sexual chemistry alone,” says Polinder. “Abstinence can remove the emotional roller coaster ride that can accompany sexual relationships.”

Are there downsides to being celibate? 

“Celibacy isn’t without its challenges,” says Sprowl. It can sometimes lead to feelings of loneliness or isolation, “particularly if the choice to be celibate results in fewer intimate relationships.”

If the decision to practice celibacy isn’t adequately thought out, it can “lead to internal conflict, frustration, or feelings of shame,” she adds.

Polinder agrees: “A lack of intimate connection with others can lead to a heightened sense of disconnection and loneliness if one is not prepared for this lifestyle choice.”

In other circumstances, “celibacy may lead to sexual frustration and feeling overwhelmed, inadequate or uncool,” adds Turek.

And if your romantic partner is not aligned with your celibacy or abstinence commitment, “the decision can strain the relationship or lead to maladaptive behaviors within the relationship,” says Cole.

But if you’ve heard that celibacy can affect male fertility, Turek says not to worry: “The reality is that celibacy has no effect on fertility potential, as the male body has ways of keeping fertility fresh though nocturnal emissions.”

How long to be celibate

If you’re interested in trying out celibacy to see if it improves your wellbeing, there’s no specific amount of time you must refrain from sex in order to notice benefits, the experts say.

That’s why Polinder suggests starting with a trial period, such as a few months. “The trial period allows you to re-evaluate matters at the end without losing integrity with yourself for not pursuing it indefinitely,” she explains.

To decide how long to be celibate, you should also have a clear goal for your celibacy. This way, when you feel you’ve achieved it, you can assess if you want to continue with the practice, Polinder says.

Last, be hyperaware of any changes in your circumstances or motivations for being celibate, Turek advises. Experiencing more negatives than positives may be a sign you’ve have tried celibacy for long enough.

Tips for trying celibacy

The No. 1 tip from experts is to make sure you have clear goals for the period of time you’re abstaining from sex.

To help make your celibacy journey more successful, you should also feel confident that you have “sufficient emotional awareness and maturity to navigate (celibacy’s) complexities,” Sprowl says.

“It’s also beneficial to seek guidance, whether through therapy or supportive communities, to help navigate any challenges that arise and to ensure that your practice of celibacy is fulfilling and … contributes to your overall mental, spiritual and emotional wellbeing,” she adds.

Polinder says it’s important to keep checking in with yourself about how the practice is making you feel and affecting your relationships. For example, are you feeling more centered and grounded, or experiencing loneliness and frustration?

Turek cautions that celibacy isn’t for everyone.

“What’s key is to do it for yourself and no one else,” he says. “Otherwise confusion, resentment, self-blame and guilt will surface and erase intended benefits. … Celibacy should be followed as long as the sum total of benefits outweigh the negative.”

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How Queer, Disabled People Are Finding Pleasure and Community Through Kink

— For decades, kinky disabled people have been creating intentional, accessible spaces where their own sensuality, agency, and erotic connection is at the center.

By Sara Youngblood Gregory

Artemis and Greta met in 2021 at a Brooklyn rope jam, a type of casual, low-pressure community event where people gather to hang out and practice rope play. The meeting, Artemis jokingly tells Them, was a business partnership at first sight.

Not long after she met Greta, Artemis began working at a woman-owned boutique sex shop — something she initially looked forward to as a kinky and disabled trans person. But Artemis quickly realized the shop wasn’t as inclusive of her community as she’d hoped.

Not only do many sex shops lack basic sexual health and gender-affirming products for trans folks, Artemis says the physical layout of these spaces are often exclusionary for disabled people. “You go in [these stores] and you’re already knocking everything over. We need spaces where fat people can move, people with limited mobility can move around and sit, [where there are] chairs and couches for people for when you’re overstimulated,” Artemis, 30, says.

Not long after working at the boutique, Artemis pitched Greta on the idea of a sex shop that catered to their community: people who are queer, trans, disabled, and decidedly kinky. Greta, a 29-year-old with autism, was immediately sold on the idea. For them, access to kink had long been central to their sex life and sense of identity.

“I’ve never had the option to come out as disabled, it’s been since day one,” says Greta. “Kink gives me a space where my support needs are the crux of what happens, and my ability to be nonverbal is both a tool and a strength.”

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Less than a year later in January 2024, the pair formally launched the Toolbox Collective in an inconspicuous brick building in New York City’s West Village. To their knowledge, the Toolbox is the first and only trans-owned, queer-centered sex shop in New York City.

The launch was so busy there was a waiting list at the door. (I should know; I was on it!) Everyone was masked, and the tables were brimming with pleasure products, many designed specifically for transfemme pleasure and with accessibility in mind. There were racks of kink gear and gender-affirming apparel, along with an abundance of free resources: educational zines, harm reduction treatments like Narcan, drug testing kits, and condoms. Though the initial launch was in a basement, requiring a narrow journey down a flight of stairs, the Toolbox Collective has since hosted events and workshops in many different venues and are working toward a permanent brick-and-mortar shop that’s fully accessible.

“The ultimate goal of the Toolbox Collective is building a space where people can go and have the tools and resources to access a more autonomous and embodied relationship to their pleasure,” says Greta.

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For decades, kinky disabled people have been creating intentional, accessible spaces where their own sensuality, agency, and erotic connection is at the center. But as with the Toolbox Collective, much of this work comes from a place of necessity and exclusion. Although one in four adults in the U.S. is living with a disability, disabled adults are often infantilized, desexualized, or reduced to harmful tropes — and that’s to say nothing of the legal disparities that impact disabled folks, including marriage equality. Even in queer and trans spaces, it’s common for disabled people to be treated as an afterthought.

Kink, both as a practice and a community, can offer a space where queer and trans disabled people get to experience their own bodies on their own terms. From BDSM and beyond, kink can happen anywhere desire happens and be adapted across a full spectrum of bodies and abilities. It ranges from sensation play and bondage to power exchanges and roleplay.

“Kink gives me a space where my support needs are the crux of what happens, and my ability to be nonverbal is both a tool and a strength.”

As Anna Randall, a clinical sexologist and executive director of The Alternative Sexualities Health Research Alliance (TASHRA) points out, research has even proven that kink can offer particular benefits for disabled folks. As both a practice and community, kink can encourage confidence, personal healing, body acceptance, community building, and in some cases, even pain or symptom management, Randall tells Them

“BDSM is a playground of somatic experiences,” Randall says. Kink often encourages embodiment — or an intentional connection between the mind, body and senses — which can be especially valuable for people with disabilities and those with certain sensory needs and cravings, Randall adds.

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For Sara Elise, a 35-year-old autistic leatherdyke, embodiment is one of the main benefits of her kink practice. “[BDSM play] allows me to be fully body-present, open, and flowing, the best version of myself,” she says. Elise discovered kink over a decade ago and soon began exploring bottoming and submission, as well as other power dynamics and ritualized play.

“Before developing a relationship with kink and receiving my diagnosis, I knew that I felt too much but I didn’t know why and I didn’t know how to deal with it,” Elise says. To cope with her symptoms, she regularly turned to self-harm and self-medicating with drugs and alcohol.

“When I discovered kink, I discovered an outlet for self-regulation and play, a boundaried, clear, communicative, and constructive outlet for processing the intensity of energy and feelings I experience,” Elise says.

Like Elise, 23-year-old Juno uses kink to connect with their body — and to reclaim their power after negative healthcare experiences. During their sophomore year of college, Juno was often in and out of the hospital. These visits, alongside a childhood fear of needles, left them with a strong aversion to medical settings.

But while researching body modifications for their thesis, Juno decided to explore sharps play, which involves using sharp objects like needles on the body. Pretty soon, they were hooked. “I developed this really interesting relationship with [needles] where I decided, this is scary, but I have control over it,” they say. “It’s exposure therapy almost and it makes it so much easier to just look at a needle and be like, that’s nothing I can handle that.” Juno gets blood work done every few months; the appointments have transformed from uncomfortable to mundane.

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But kink isn’t just about finding joy and agency in a sometimes-tenuous body; it’s also a way to build community. Though most queer people understand the importance of chosen family, these networks of care can be especially vital for disabled people who are more likely to lack adequate healthcare, housing, employment and other basic resources than their non-disabled counterparts. Though they often go underappreciated, these communities are deeply tied to LGBTQ+ history and survival. During the AIDS crisis, for example, leather families and lesbian activists helped popularize what was called the “San Francisco model of care,” a then-radical approach that prioritized holistic care for people living with HIV and AIDs — including home-delivered meals and other services — rather than solely focusing on medical treatment.

Today, the internet is transforming how kinky disabled people can find one another. In her research with TASHRA, Anna Randall says approximately 80% of kinksters go online to find community — and that includes Pup Quincy, a 26-year-old living with Multiple Sclerosis and chronic pain.

After exploring the New York city play party scene, Pup Quincy decided to fully embrace kink online, especially as various parties began lifting their COVID-19 guidelines. Online, they’ve attended workshops and monthly meet-ups and regularly connect on Discord.

“When it comes to the kink disability community, I would not have been able to connect with as many people or really as regularly or intentionally if it had not been for the spaces that I found online,” Pup Quincy says. “We’re [in these spaces] because we can’t engage with sex in the ways we like to or want to on a regular basis and finding that community has been very, very fulfilling and rewarding.”
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These disability-centered spaces and relationships have helped Pup Quincy enter their self-love era, where they connect with and care for their body through self-domming (depending on the person, self-domming can be focused erotic acts like masturbation or non-sexual activities like self-care). “The more I talk to other disabled people, I’m like ‘you guys are fucking smart,” they say. “[I] walk away feeling like, oh wow, there’s really so many possibilities to feel good in a world and a body that might feel really fucking bad. The perseverance and resilience to do that all the time is truly one of the most beautiful things in the world to me.”

There’s also a demand for IRL spaces where disabled pleasure is baked into the culture of the play, not sprinkled on top as an afterthought.

“The rope scene is not untouched by white supremacy, and in turn, ableism, fatphobia, and transphobia,” says Salem, a 26-year-old rope switch. When some friends introduced them to their local rope scene, Salem was immediately drawn to the social atmosphere of rope jams and the way relationships between rope facilitates intimate, non-normative dynamics. But a lot of rope education excludes modifications for bigger, disabled, or hypermobile people, and according to Salem, many riggers just aren’t that interested in learning these modifications.

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“Though shibari is Japanese, the idealized body in rope, at least in the U.S., is a thin, able-bodied cis white woman,” they say. “I would say the scene largely pedestalizes ties that are intense and risky, while ties that are more comfortable, lower risk, and more accessible are seen as ‘boring,’ which unfortunately leaves a lot of people on the margins.” In response, Salem co-founded a rope jam that centers trans and marginalized kinksters — one of the few monthly rope spaces that still practices COVID precautions.

Now, Salem’s rope community is largely made up of other trans people of color, sex workers, and disabled folks. Salem reports that people often find their rope jams to be one of the only spaces they feel comfortable tying. Like kink itself, community spaces are co-created by all those involved, meaning they can be shaped and reshaped to fit the needs of all parties.

“Rope is like a language, and you give yourself a loose script. It feels like a safe(r) container where genuine play and vulnerability become accessible,” Salem says. “Through rope, I’ve found a lovely community of weirdos who see me for who I really am, who take care of each other, and who are willing to have hard conversations about important things.”

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Let’s talk about sex — and repression — in America

— “Fierce Desires,” by Rebecca L. Davis, is a wide-ranging survey of how Americans have thought about and practiced and policed sex

By

Clashes over sexual morality in America are, in large part, about what is new and what is old. Is premarital intrigue a timeless natural indulgence, or is it a byproduct of a newfangled venture called feminism? Is contraception an innocuous safeguard, or is it a contrivance of that devious plot against America, the sexual revolution?

Conservatives are nothing if not determined to confuse tradition with vindication, and it is no surprise that they are wont to appeal to history in hopes of endowing their bedroom hang-ups with the sort of gravitas that clings to musty antiques. One of their favorite relics is the fantasy of a golden age that might be recuperated, a period when pleasurable mischief was confined to marriage, babies resulted from every tryst and gender roles were strictly delineated. And what brought this utopian era to an end? “Feminism,” the conservative commentator Matt Walsh tweeted last year, is “perhaps the most destructive force in human history.” In a subsequent podcast episode, he clarified that “feminists have succeeded in destroying … the nuclear family,” a process that he alleged has “eaten away at the very fabric of civilization.”

Fierce Desires: A New History of Sex and Sexuality in America,” Rebecca L. Davis puts Walsh’s picture to the test. Her important, ambitious and entertaining study reminds us that many of the practices portrayed by reactionaries as radical and new, such as same-sex love, are in fact long-standing, whereas the sort of conjugal bliss lauded by the likes of Walsh as normal and normative is a relatively recent invention.

But Davis, a professor of history at the University of Delaware, demonstrates that Walsh and his ilk are true traditionalists in at least one sense: Americans have always displayed a special talent for prudery, sanctimony and moral panic. Any whiff of enjoyment or nonconformity that has ever materialized in the land of the strait-laced and the home of the stifled has attracted a scold, eager to wag a disapproving finger.

Davis divides American sexual history into three sometimes overlapping eras: 1600-1870, 1840-1938 and 1938-2024. It is not clear which of these strikes sexual reactionaries as an epoch of erotic virtue and sexual tranquility.

In some respects, the first of these eras was not as retrograde as some might wistfully imagine. The practice of “bundling,” whereby courting couples spent the night together before they wed, was so common that, “by the 1770s, between 30 and 40 percent of the brides in New Haven were already pregnant when they spoke their marriage vows.” Contraception and abortion were also widespread: Davis writes that many women “used pessaries, a substance or device placed in the vagina to block or neutralize sperm,” and pharmacists stocked herbal remedies that they euphemistically claimed could restore women’s periods (that is, terminate pregnancies).

But early America was also wretched in ways that even the most unapologetic chauvinist would be hard-pressed to defend. Marital rape and domestic abuse were rampant and largely unregulated. In one harrowing chapter, Davis details the plight of a 17th-century woman trapped in an abusive marriage to a man who beat her and regularly raped one of the couple’s daughters. This woman was nearly without recourse: Divorce was difficult (and in some states impossible) to obtain, and a wife was not legally entitled to live separately from her husband or even to enter into contracts on her own.

Sexual abuse was also one of the most pervasive and abominable features of slavery. Sexual propriety was heavily racialized from the country’s inception, and Davis writes that in the 17th century, “correct sexual behavior became an essential means of distinguishing Christian from heathen, civilized from savage.” Formerly, women as a whole were cast as lustful and licentious; now, White women were reimagined as fragile and infantile, and their alleged innocence served to distinguish them from Black women, who were derided as bestial and promiscuous, and Black men, who were stigmatized as predatory. These stereotypes were used to justify atrocities: For the next two centuries, Black men suspected of seducing White women were beaten or lynched, and enslaved Black women endured rape at the hands of their exploiters. There is little about the sexual politics of early America that anyone but the most depraved racist could find redeeming.

The second period considered in “Fierce Desires,” 1840-1938, is perhaps more promising from a conservative perspective. In the late 1800s, the anti-sex vigilante Anthony Comstock successfully campaigned for the passage of the Act for the Suppression of Trade in and Circulation of Obscene Literature and Articles of Immoral Use, or, as it is more commonly known, the Comstock Act. The infamous policy outlawed interstate trade in erotica, a category that included contraception and abortifacients. As enforcement agencies and vice squads sprung up right and left, several prominent abortion providers found themselves at the receiving end of Comstock’s zealous harassment and ended up taking their own lives. Davis notes in an epilogue that certain contemporary conservatives are so unabashedly enthusiastic about this period of American sexual history, they are attempting to summon “the ghost of Anthony Comstock”: In the wake of the Supreme Court’s Dobbs decision, many antiabortion activists hope to enforce a clause of the Comstock Act that was never formally repealed and that would proscribe the distribution of abortifacients by mail.

The movement to ban abortion has never been isolated from a broader agenda — one that strives to coerce women into motherhood and thereby reinforce a regressive gender hierarchy — and Comstock, the antiabortion poster child, had definite ideas about women’s place in society. The proper aim of sex, he emphasized, was not pleasure but reproduction in marriage; women belonged in the nursery, and their bodies belonged to their husbands. In a later chapter on the politicization of abortion in the 1990s, when religious extremists staged violent attacks on abortion clinics and even killed providers, Davis insightfully observes that members of the then-nascent antiabortion movement were not “single-issue voters” because “the abortion issue became a referendum on the sexual revolution, gay rights and feminism. Abortion opponents described the procedure as an assault on the ‘American family’ because, they argued, it untethered reproductive sex from marriage, women from men, and men from their responsibilities as family breadwinners. Abortion struck at their beliefs that the conventionally gendered, heterosexual family held the nation together.”

She could just as easily be describing contemporary Trump supporters, or Comstock and his followers. All of these antiabortion crusaders are united in understanding that women’s freedom depends upon reproductive autonomy — and united in opposing that freedom.

Despite his recent resurrection, however, Comstock was not altogether victorious, even in his own day. Nineteenth-century moralists “fought an uphill battle,” as Davis writes. Euphemisms abounded — in a particularly satisfying twist, “Comstock syringe” became slang for a certain contraceptive — and birth rates continued to plummet. Speakeasies thrived in the Gilded Age, and in the late 1800s and early 1900s, queer desire flourished behind the scenes in secret societies, at drag balls in Harlem and among female blues singers who performed in top hats and tails. In chapters that center on memorable characters, some of them famous and some of them simply private civilians, Davis digs up some truly novelistic — and often truly touching — details about queer life.

By reactionary lights, she concludes, the years from 1938 to the present have seen a procession of unmitigated disasters. First came the Kinsey reports, studies based on interviews with thousands of American men and women. Published in 1948 and 1953, these enormously influential documents showed that both same-sex dalliances and premarital sex were quite common: 50 percent of the women surveyed said they’d engaged in coitus before marriage, and, per Davis, “the researchers calculated that 37 percent of American men had at least one sexual contact with another man that resulted in an orgasm.” Then came feminism and, on its heels, the development of sex education curriculums, which conservative Christians argued were “Communist, taught their children to be gay, sexualized very young children, exposed youth to pornography, and contributed to rising teen pregnancy rates” (there’s something perversely impressive about the doggedness with which they’ve trotted out this playbook in the intervening decades, without even gesturing at updating or revising it).

Of course, progressive movements faced setbacks in this last period, too. Throughout the 19th century, Davis writes, “same-sex and otherwise queer expressions of desire were common and mostly unpunished.” Men and women discretely pursued same-sex relationships in single-sex spaces, such as the military and all-girls schools. It was not until the late 1800s that same-sex desires were named or studied, and it was not until the 20th century that the social-scientific mania for taxonomizing (and all too often pathologizing) homosexuality took off. Definition was a double-edged sword: With the recognition of queer identity came persecution at the hands of homophobic vice squads, religious fanatics and sinister physicians who devised cruel “treatments” for desires they regarded as deviant. But the era also heralded the advent of identity-based organizing that was ultimately, if tentatively, effective.

A case can be made that sexual conservatism is the linchpin of the contemporary MAGA movement. It is, Davis writes, “the bridge that linked evangelical Protestants and Catholics across deep waters of theological and cultural difference.” It is certainly the missing link between such otherwise disparate figures as Matt Walsh, JD Vance and Amy Coney Barrett. There is nothing more American than repression, prudishness and bigotry — except, perhaps, mustering the bravery to stand up against them and for the transports of individual pleasures, in all their untamable glory and variety.

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You’ve Heard Of 69, But What’s 68?

— Your Guide To The Sex Position

By Amanda Chatel

There’s a good chance you’ve heard of the 69 position, maybe even before you could really wrap your brain around the concept. The position — two bodies on top of each other, facing opposite directions, and simultaneously stimulating each other orally — can be a hotly debated topic amongst friends. There are people who love 69-ing and those who’ve realized not only is 69-ing not for them, but they completely loathe the position. Luckily, we live in a world of options, one of which is a little something called the 68 position.

“The [68] position is a very relaxing one, you are actually laying there to receive rather than being expected to do something in return,” certified sex and relationship psychotherapist Gigi Engle tells Cosmopolitan UK. “A lot of the time, when women and people with vulvas have problems with orgasm, it’s because they don’t think that they have an entitlement to pleasure, due to the way that they have been socialized to be givers and to always be servicing other people,” says Engle. “This position really lends itself to just laying back and enjoying.”

To get a better understanding of the 68 position, Women exclusively talked to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, sexpert for Lovers sexual wellness brand and retailer. If you’ve never heard of this gem of a position, then here’s everything you need to know.

How 68 differs from 69

The biggest difference between the 68 and 69 positions is that only one person is being orally stimulated. But similar to 69, your bodies are still stacked and facing opposite directions. One partner lays down on their back, while the other partner lays on top of them, facing the opposite direction, but face up. Each partner should have their feet firmly on the ground with their knees bent and legs comfortably spread enough to receive oral sex. It may take some experimentation the first time around, but every sex position takes a bit of work when initially explored.

“People may find the 68 position better than the 69 because of multiple reasons,” Stewart tells Women. For starters, height differences between partners can mess with alignment of the genitals and mouths for 69-ing, she says. There’s also the matter of trying to get your head in the game during 69-ing, which for some people can be near impossible. “If they’re unable to multitask, the 68 is ideal because they only have to be concentrating on one kind of behavior,” says Stewart. “It’s also helpful if you just want to concentrate on your pleasure without any distractions like genitals in your face.”

Advantages to 68 sex position

The biggest advantage that the 68 sex position has to offer (and is the real selling point), is that each partner is able to concentrate better while giving oral, as well be more present while receiving, Stewart says. There’s also the fact that 68 allows for a “spectacular view,” she points out. Let’s be honest, during 69-ing your partner’s genitals are so close to your face that your sense of sight is pretty much deprived. All you can really see is just flesh and more flesh, and not the particulars. For people who need visual stimulation to become aroused and stay aroused, 69 just doesn’t do it. But with 68, it’s all right there — and not just your partner’s genitals, but their body and face too. It can be really sexy to make eye contact with your partner during oral sex — something you never get in the 69 position.

How to truly enhance the experience

Despite the fact that only one person is giving oral in the 68 position, both partners can still stay active. It takes two to tango, which means that just because you’re not giving oral, it’s not okay to mentally check out. When you do, you’re denying both you and your partner what can be a really intense and intimate experience.

“You should always be active unless your role is to be passive,” says Stewart. “As an active person in the sexual experience, that means that you are giving feedback (moans, talking, etc.) to let your partner know how you’re feeling.” After all, communication (all forms of it) keeps the momentum going and allows both partners to know that they’re on the same page.

If your partner is new or it’s a one-night stand, be sure to communicate beforehand as well. Having sex with someone you just met can be really exciting, like opening a gift, but because sex is an umbrella term for so many sexual acts, you want at least a glimpse of what you’re both into — especially if there’s the possibility of having to navigate a kink gap. “Know which tactics that they have as sexual assets that will titillate your partner in the ways that they like,” says Stewart. “Being able to connect to your lover authentically is a great way to foster trust, safety, and security.” Also, don’t forget to tackle the consent chat before you do anything.

Things to consider before diving into 68

Not every body is able to move in the exact same way, and it’s important to keep that in mind whether you’re planning to 68, 69, do it doggy style, or try some super advanced position you come across in the Kama Sutra. Just because something exists, it doesn’t mean everyone can (or should) do it. “When doing [the 68] position, keep in mind your physical limitations and be cognizant of your physical abilities,” says Stewart. “Nothing is worse than getting into a position you think you like and then having it be ruined by a body part that is too achy or unable to withstand the sexual experience.”

It’s also worth noting that sex-related injuries are far more common than you might think. According to a survey by Superdrug Online Doctor, a whopping 62% of people in a roughly 1,000-person survey reported injuring themselves during sex. Among the sex positions most likely to result in an injury? Doggy style — for people with vulvas and people with penises. So ease your way into the 68 position, make sure both you and your partner are comfy, then let the oral stimulation commence.

6 Reasons Why 69-Ing May Not Be The Best Sex Position For You

Somewhere down the line, every person is introduced to the 69 position. In most cases, they hear about it first and, depending on your age and sexual experience, the mere idea of it can be perplexing. We’re talking about a position in which two people are facing opposing directions — as in head-to-toes — and giving each other oral sex at the same time. Why? Who came up with this? As if it weren’t hard enough to garner the necessary stamina and confidence to be on top, let alone this.

Like a lot of sex positions, this one goes way back. It appears in the Kama Sutra, which was written somewhere between 400 BCE and 200 CE, and is explained as “When a man and woman lie down in an inverted order, with the head of one toward the feet of the other, and carry on this congress, it is called the Congress of a Crow.” But how the name evolved from “congress of a cow” to 69 can be attributed to, of course, the French — leave it to the French to come up with a pretty term for anything sex-related. At the beginning of the French Revolution a sex manual entitled “The Whore’s Catechisms” was published and in it, this notorious position was renamed “soixante-neuf,” the French translation for sixty-nine. And the name stuck.

Although there are those who love 69-ing, for many it’s not a great position for a slew of reasons. If you don’t love, or even like 69-ing, you’re not alone.

Height differences

It’s pretty rare that you come across a couple who are the exact same height, especially in cishet relationships. However, if two people want to pull off a 69 and make it enjoyable enough to be an almost-perfect situation, then being the same height is key. Granted, a couple of inches in height differentiation aren’t a big deal, but if you’re five-foot and your partner is six-two, that’s quite a disparity and 69 isn’t likely to be the best fit for you two.

“69’ing is not actually ‘nice,’” a Reddit user wrote. “If both partners aren’t well-matched in how tall they are, it just doesn’t work well … One person lies on the bottom and is kind of crushed. If you don’t orgasm simultaneously, it’s just awkward.”

Although there’s the debate that if you perform 69 on your sides, there’s no crushing involved even if the two partners aren’t remotely close in height, it can still be tricky. If you and your partner have a mismatched height situation, then skip 69.

It involves too much multi-tasking

Some people aren’t multitaskers. They don’t have it in their DNA and that’s fine! If the world were full of only multitaskers, far too much would be accomplished and, honestly, we don’t really need that. The 69 position is multitasking and then some. Just think about the position and what it entails from both partners: attention to detail, being totally present, and trying to offer up some really great oral sex while also trying to focus on your own pleasure.

“Female perspective: There’s too much going on at once,” wrote a Reddit user. “It’s almost impossible to concentrate if the other person is doing a good job. If the other person isn’t doing a good job then why bother with bells and whistles for them if they are just lapping at you like a thirsty dog drinking water … It’s a totally overhyped sex position.”

Contrary to the belief that cis men are into 69-ing, this Reddit comment got a very apropos response: “Male here and I 100% agree with you,” wrote the Reddit user. “I can’t speak to fellatio, but I know cunnilingus takes some concentration to be done well. So 69 is like doing math problems while on a roller coaster: you won’t enjoy the coaster and you’ll f*** up the math. It’s better for everyone involved to just take turns … I put 69 in the same category as shower sex and beach sex. They sound nice on paper but are typically disappointing in practice.” There’s no sense in giving and receiving mediocre oral sex when you can give and receive fantastic oral when you subtract multitasking from the scenario.

It’s not orgasm-friendly

As the Reddit users pointed out, with all that’s going on, concentration goes out the window. When that happens, having an orgasm is hard for both partners — no matter if they’re penis owners or vulva owners. Even if your end game in 69 isn’t focused on climaxing, your brain is still immersed in things that you normally wouldn’t be thinking about if you and your partner partook in oral sex one at a time.

For example, there’s all that lovely face-smothering that can make breathing a bit of a challenge. Then there’s that distracting lapping and sucking sound that, when oral is performed on each person one at a time, isn’t as noticeable because there are things like moaning and being able to lose yourself in the moment fully. During 69, you can become overly aware of things you wouldn’t normally even notice. For those with a vulva, trying to orgasm is often difficult enough.

“[The media] has been guilty of telling women how orgasms are supposed to happen,” clinical psychologist and sex educator Lawrence Siegel told Healthline. “To have an orgasm you have to be able to let go and allow it to happen, which is an issue for a lot of people … People wonder if they’re pleasing their partner enough, or they get self-conscious about their own bodies in certain positions. Porn is a big misconception about how people are ‘supposed’ to look, feel, and react during sex. And a lot of that is fake.” If you’re someone who struggles to orgasm with a partner or without one and want to orgasm with your oral sex, then 69 probably isn’t for you.

You can’t communicate

According to a 2018 study published in Sex and Marital Therapy, ultimate sexual satisfaction is directly linked to communication — this includes both verbal and non-verbal. But when you’re 69-ing, you can’t verbally communicate (for obvious reasons), nor can you non-verbally communicate, again, for obvious reasons. It’s not exactly the most forgiving position when it comes to movement that would let you non-verbally communicate to your partner that you’re enjoying a technique, disliking something they’re doing, or if they moved their tongue a little to left, things would feel much better. You’re sort of trapped in a locked-in position, both mouths full of genitals, and minimal ability to communicate what you want to tell them.

People who like to talk during sex and feel comfortable expressing what they’re experiencing, giving direction, or are open to receiving direction, aren’t likely to find satisfaction in 69. Sure, you can “uh-huh” with your throat, but that’s about it — especially if your bodies are really close and you have a penis in your mouth that you have to struggle to get out of your mouth to say even one word. Also, if you’re not awkward about dirty talk and are really into it while being intimate, it’s definitely not happening during 69.

It can actually leave you with some pain

Two words: neck pain. Anyone who’s ever tried 69 laying down, either one on top of the other or side-by-side knows that neck pain, if you hold the position too long, is a given. Certain parts of the body aren’t made to be held in specific positions for extended periods of time, so when these areas are pushed to the limit, pain inevitably follows.

According to a survey of over 1000 Europeans and Americans by Superdrug Online Doctor, 62% of people reported experiencing sex-related injuries at some point in their life. Although doggy style appears to be the most dangerous for those with vulvas and missionary the most precarious for penis owners, 69 is also on the list. As the survey found 2.6% of penis owners and 1.4% of vulva owners have been victims of 69ing gone awry. While the survey didn’t say how these injuries occurred or what they were, they still happened. There’s also the risk of an over-excited person wielding their penis in a way that can get a little aggressive.

“It’s not uncommon for an enthusiastic penis-haver to press down a bit too far into their partner’s mouth, restricting airflow and causing a bit of discomfort,” sex and relationships therapist Stefani Goerlich, LMSW-Clinical, LISW told Insider. If you’re accident-prone, already have some aches and pains that you’d prefer not to add to, or you’re a big fan of breathing while engaging in sexual activity, then maybe look toward other sex positions instead of 69.

It’s not conducive to summer weather

As you’ve probably noticed, people get horny in the summer. We have the sun, more skin showing, holidays, and just a general upbeat attitude about life as a whole. So, naturally, sex is on the brain for a lot of people — and research proves it. According to a 2013 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, a five-year-long analysis found that once summer rolls around, Google searches for porn, prostitution, and online dating skyrocket. The study noted that the findings further prove that seasonal trends around STIs, condom sales, and abortions increasing as well. But while many people may be in the mood to get it on, there’s one position you shouldn’t get into when things are hot and sweaty.

“The 69 position is best avoided because it obviously means bodies are super-close together, rubbing down,” sex expert Ruby Payne told LadBible. “And even if you do it on the side, there’s more contact with the bed fabrics … Stick to the ‘unmutual’ kind of oral in a heatwave.”

That’s right; a sex expert has actually advised against summer 69-ing. If July and August are your months to sexually shine before Labor Day, then 69 isn’t for you. But guess what? That’s totally okay! Despite what we see in porn, most people aren’t 69-ing all the time. In fact, a 2015 survey by Uncovering Intimacy found that only 17% of people favor the 69 position for oral sex, while 46% prefer laying on their back with their partner between their legs. So there you go — you’re not alone and there are many of us, so you’re in fabulous company.

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How do you give your kids ‘The Talk’ in 2024?

— It’s World Sexual Health Day, and now’s the time to dig into the birds and the bees, debunk some myths, and look at how we approach Sex Ed through a 2024 lens.

By Sarah Gill

“Students are increasingly demanding an education that reflects their different realities and needs, not one rooted in shame-based approaches,” Elisa Belmonte, Research Communications Manager at Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland (RCSI) tells us.

In celebration of World Sexual Health Day, now’s our chance to sit down and consider the myriad ways we can ensure that the next generation can get the Sex Ed we wish we had. One that’s free from shame and stigma, that delves into the areas of positive consent, periods, contraception, sexually transmitted infections and so on so that young people can be equipped with the knowledge and understanding of themselves, their bodies, and the real world around them.

Dr Caroline Kelleher, a lecturer in the Department of Health Psychology in RCSI and a contributor to expert lead sexual health education outreach programme Debunking the Myths, says: “Historically, sexuality education has been heteronormative, predominantly focusing on the sexual experiences and practises within cisgender, heterosexual relationships. The range of sexual orientations and gender identities that are part of our society and always have been, have remained ‘in the closet’ in sexuality education, and it is time this changed.

“Young people need to feel visible, represented and supported in the education they receive, and fully aware of the knowledge and taught skills they will need to explore their sexuality in a healthy, safe and consensual way.”

Here, we speak with both Elisa Belmonte and Dr Caroline Kelleher on how programmes like Debunking the Myths represent a step in the right direction, and how parents can ensure that their children get the Sex Ed they so require…

Can you break down what’s covered in present-day Sex Education?

Sex education in Ireland, known as Relationships and Sexuality Education (RSE), is part of the broader Social, Personal, and Health Education (SPHE) curriculum. The SPHE curriculum (both for the Junior Cycle and Senior Cycle) has been recently updated, to reflect the increasing evidence of the challenges young people in Ireland face as they grow up, and the growing recognition of the significant benefits of school-based health education programs for their social, emotional, and physical well-being.

The school ethos plays a significant role in its approach to RSE, which can lead to differences in the quality and scope of RSE that students receive.

The Debunking the Myths program is designed to complement the Senior Cycle RSE curriculum, providing students with access to healthcare professionals who can address specific questions in an age-specific, safe, unbiased environment, contributing to counter harmful misinformation and empower young people to make informed decisions about their health. The feedback we’ve received from teachers is they really appreciate the added value that our programme is bringing.

Is the shroud of shame that has always existed around sex and Sex Ed still there, or are programmes like Debunking the Myths having the desired effect?

Social attitudes towards sex and sexuality have evolved, and programs like Debunking the Myths are playing a significant role in driving this change among the younger generation. These initiatives are helping to open up conversations and normalise discussions about topics that were once considered taboo, such as STIs, pleasure, contraception, and anatomy.

Students who attend Debunking the Myths workshops consistently express the value they find in having medical experts delivering the workshops. Their presence creates a more objective and trustworthy environment which is crucial in dispelling misconceptions about sexual assault, contraception, and sexually transmitted infections. Having trusted, knowledgeable sources reassures students and helps break down barriers to discussing these critical issues openly.

Moreover, students are increasingly demanding an education that reflects their different realities and needs, not one rooted in shame-based approaches. Programmes like Debunking the Myths are responding to this demand, providing a relevant and comprehensive understanding of sexual health. While progress is being made, we need a collective effort to enhance conversations and ensure that sex education continues to evolve in a positive and inclusive direction.

Are the Senior Cycle secondary school students who engage with these workshops open to discussion, or relatively open minded?

Most Senior Cycle secondary school students who engage with these workshops are open to discussion and display an open-minded attitude when it comes to conversations about consent, and gender identity and sexuality. Our workshops are designed to be highly interactive.

We are conscious that teenagers may not feel comfortable to speak up in an environment where they are surrounded by their peers and teachers, so the workshops utilise an online application called Mentimeter which allows teenagers to submit questions anonymously and to answer polls and quizzes in real time with answers being incorporated in slides projected to all attendees.

To date, we have received more than 2,000 anonymous questions during our workshops, which highlight students’ eagerness to know more. They are the ones actively demanding an education that addresses their needs and reflects their diverse experiences.

What are some tips you would give parents when it comes to approaching the birds, the bees, and beyond?

Dr Caroline Kelleher says: “For parents, it is about providing a safe space for your children to speak about these topics, gently letting them know that you are here to listen and support them. You may not know the right thing to say or the answers to all of their questions, but creating a supportive environment at home is a strong first step.”

Could you share some resources that might come in useful?

The team at Debunking the Myths have created a dedicated section on our website where we collate trustworthy information and existing educational materials from reputable sources which can be accessed HERE.

Among the resources cited on our website:

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The Easy Peasy Guide to Gender and Sexual Identity Terms

By Michael Krivich

Am I the only one who thinks that, like every day, there is a new term to describe an individual’s gender or sexual identity? Using a tired old sports analogy, keeping a score without a scorecard is hard. That is what it seems like some days with the seemingly constant flow of new terms and definitions.

The genesis of this article was when, the other day, I read a news story about someone who claimed they were abrosexual. Being exposed to a new term, I needed to look it up to understand the content and context of what was written. My curiosity got me thinking about the multitude of terms and subsequent definitions used to describe someone’s sexual orientation and gender identification.

What I learned is that the language surrounding sexual and gender identity is constantly evolving and diverse, reflecting the complexity of human experiences. For transparency, I used OpenAI ChatGPT only for the terms and definitions in the research. It was a great time saver.

Let me be clear: I am not taking any political, religious, biblical, judgemental, or any other position regarding how a person identifies their gender or sexuality. That is their business, period, end discussion.

As a result, here are two lists of terms and definitions as a reference guide regarding gender and sexual identity as I write this article.

Gender Identity

Cisgender (cis): A person whose gender identity aligns with the sex assigned at birth.

Transgender (trans): A person whose gender identity differs from the sex assigned at birth.

Non-binary: A person whose gender identity doesn’t fit within the traditional binary categories of male or female.

Genderqueer: A term used by some individuals whose gender identity doesn’t conform to societal expectations of masculinity or femininity.

Genderfluid: A person’s gender identity may change over time or in different contexts.

Agender: A person who identifies as having no gender or as neutral.

Bigender: A person who identifies as having two gender identities simultaneously or at different times.

Gender nonconforming: A broad term for individuals whose gender expression doesn’t conform to societal norms.

Two-spirit: Some Indigenous North American cultures use the term to describe individuals who embody masculine and feminine qualities.

Demigender: A person whose gender identity is partially but not fully aligned with one’s assigned sex or with the binary gender system.

Pangender: A person whose gender identity encompasses all genders.

Androgynous: A person whose appearance and/or identity blends masculine and feminine characteristics. A non-binary gender identity that is neutral or null.

Gender questioning: A person who is exploring or questioning their gender identity.

Genderflux: A gender identity that fluctuates in intensity.

Intergender: A person whose gender identity is between or a combination of genders.

Multigender: A person who identifies with more than one gender.

Trigender: A person who shifts between three different gender identities.

Gender creative: A term often used for children whose gender expression or identity doesn’t conform to traditional norms.

Transmasculine: A term used to describe individuals who were assigned female at birth but identify more closely with masculinity.

Transfeminine: A term used to describe individuals who were assigned male at birth but identify more closely with femininity.

Sexual Identity

Heterosexual: Attracted to people of the opposite gender.

Homosexual: Attracted to people of the same gender.

Bisexual: Attracted to people of both genders.

Pansexual: Attracted to people regardless of their gender identity or biological sex.

Asexual: Experiencing little or no sexual attraction to others.

Demisexual: Experiencing sexual attraction only after forming a strong emotional bond with someone.

Queer: An umbrella term for sexual and gender minorities who are not heterosexual or cisgender. It can encompass a wide range of identities.

Polysexual: Attracted to multiple genders, but not necessarily all genders.

Fluid: A term used to describe a sexuality that is not fixed and may change over time.

Androsexual/Gynesexual: Attracted to masculinity/femininity regardless of gender identity.

Greysexual: Experiencing sexual attraction rarely or only under specific circumstances.

Lithsexual: Experiencing sexual attraction but not wanting it to be reciprocated.

Skoliosexual: Attracted to non-binary and transgender people.

Sapiosexual: Attracted to intelligence or intellect.

Autosexual: Finding oneself sexually attractive.

Ceterosexual: Attracted to non-binary people.

Reciprosexual: Experiencing sexual attraction only when it is reciprocated.

Abrosexuality:  Describes individuals whose sexual orientation is fluid and may change over time or in different circumstances.

Omnisexuality: A sexual orientation in which a person is attracted to people of all genders, including men, women, nonbinary people, and other gender identities.

It’s important to note that this list is not exhaustive, and new terms and definitions may emerge as our understanding of gender and sexuality evolves. Additionally, individuals may have unique experiences and preferences when describing their gender identity.<

Now, you’ll understand what they are talking about. At least, I will, anyway.

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What doctors wish patients knew about pain during sex

By Sara Berg, MS

Experiencing pain during or immediately after sexual activity—known as dyspareunia—is a condition affecting many women, yet it remains a topic often shrouded in silence. This medical issue, which can affect both physical and emotional well-being, is more common than many may realize. Understanding and addressing this condition is crucial for promoting overall sexual health and quality of life.

Dyspareunia can affect men and women, but it’s more common in women. Pain during or after sex can affect about 10–20% of women in the U.S. This may be a low estimate, though, as many women don’t seek medical help for painful sex and therefore underreporting is likely.

It happens during or after sex

“Dyspareunia is any time women report pain with intercourse,” Dr. Savells said, noting it can also “be defined as anytime there is pain with sexual activity because that doesn’t always involve a partner.”

It is typically painful during sex but can also “include time immediately following that, so in the next several minutes, not a day or two later. That would be something else,” she explained.

Keep an eye out for these symptoms

“Symptoms can be external irritation—around the clitoris or around the opening of the vagina—but a lot of the time it is inside the vagina,” Dr. Savells said. “And that can be with initial contact or foreplay, or it can be with penetration.

“Some patients can even specifically differentiate the difference between pain that occurs as soon as a partner tries to enter versus that which occurs from deep thrusting,” she added.  “Being able to provide these kinds of details to your doctor can help them determine the cause.”

Menopause is a main cause

“The causes of dyspareunia include the thinning of skin and lack of estrogen that both occur with aging as women go through menopause,” Dr. Savells said. “This is very common. Probably about 40% of all menopausal women say they have difficulty with their intercourse, their intimacy.

“That can be due to both vaginal atrophy—which is thinning of the skin—and it can also be due to vaginal dryness,” she added. “A lot of women have both of those, but they are two distinct problems.”

There are other causes

“Patients who have pain with intercourse can also have muscle spasms in the muscles around the vaginal wall. These muscle spasms can cause pain with sex but can also be a cause of chronic pelvic pain that is unrelated to intimacy,” Dr. Savells said. “If they’ve had a painful intercourse experience in the past, it can cause them to be tense because there’s fear that pain will occur again.”

“It can be due to just stress and anxiety. Or it can be due to post-traumatic stress disorder from a previous traumatic event, such as assault or rape,” she said. Vaginismus, which is an involuntary tensing of the vagina that is often experienced at the start of sex, while inserting a tampon or while getting a pelvic exam, is another reason.

“Some patients can also have pain with sexual activity due to a skin condition called vestibulitis, which is an irritation of the skin at the posterior portion of the vaginal opening,” Dr. Savells added. “Unlike several of the other skin changes which can cause sex to be painful, this condition is often treated with surgery instead of topical creams.”

“Less commonly, some patients can have scar tissue from previous surgeries to their labia or their vagina. And yet another cause for dyspareunia can be an enlarged uterine fibroid, which can also cause pain with intercourse,” she said. “There are even some bladder conditions that can cause pain with intercourse.”

Additionally, “some patients as they get older will have something called vaginal stenosis or vaginal narrowing and the same vagina that worked with that partner 10, 15 years ago is now too small,” Dr. Savells said, noting patients will say, “I’ve got the same partner, why don’t we fit together anymore?”

“It’s because the vagina is actually getting smaller,” Dr. Savells said.

Dyspareunia is also common for women post-pregnancy if they had a traumatic vaginal birth or issues with prolapse.

Vaginal dryness is a concern

“Stress, anxiety and depression can all cause patients to have difficulty with the arousal component of their sexual function,” Dr. Savells said. “But as far as pain goes, a lot of times that’s due to the dryness.”

For example, “a lot of patients with cancer will have dryness due to their chemotherapy or other treatments they’ve had,” she said. “If patients have had pelvic radiation for uterine cancer or cervical cancer, they may have dryness and pain due to that.

“They may have scar tissue due to that, but even patients who’ve had chemotherapy for nongynecologic reasons can have a lot of vaginal dryness as a side effect of their medication,” Dr. Savells said.

Treatments vary depending on cause

“There are a lot of things that we can do to help patients who are having pain with sex. I don’t ever want anybody to feel like it’s their fault or they’ve created the problem,” Dr. Savells said. One of the most- common causes is “when a woman is having problems because they are estrogen-deficient. Lack of estrogen is the definition of menopausal and for most women, that is about 50 years old.

“But there are also much younger women who are also estrogen-deficient; if they have had an early hysterectomy or if they have had breast cancer and had to have their ovaries taken out,” she added. “For most women who are estrogen deficient, the primary thing we start with is estrogen cream. There are women with contraindications to estrogen therapy, however, so it is essential for patients to consult with their physician about whether or not this is appropriate for their individual situation.”

“If your vagina is out of estrogen, you just add back more estrogen. And for a lot of women that is very effective and fixes their problem,” Dr. Savells said. “There are also nonhormonal therapies for vaginal dryness and vaginal atrophy, so we have options even for those women who cannot take estrogen replacement too.”

For example, Dr. Savells’ practice has a MonaLisa Touch laser, which she said is “super effective.”

“Mona Lisa Touch treatments include lasering of the vaginal tissue and the tissue that surrounds the vaginal opening on the outside. As a result, all the skin in the treated area becomes thicker and stronger. This helps those women lubricate more-naturally when they become aroused, and also reduces the microscopic tears which cause many women to feel a burning sensation after sex,” she said. “For both pre-menopausal or estrogen deficient women, these treatments can be very beneficial. For patients who have vaginal spasms, pelvic floor therapy is helpful for them.

“But therapy is not a quick fix,” Dr. Savells added. “For immediate help, sometimes those patients will get injections into the muscles around the vagina to help relax those muscles so that they don’t spasm and have so much pain.”

“We also utilize compounding pharmacies to make vaginal suppositories that have muscle relaxers in them to help relax those muscles,” she said. “And sometimes patients will insert a vaginal suppository with a muscle relaxer in it a little while ahead of when they anticipate intercourse might happen. That will help relax them a little bit so that they don’t have as much discomfort.”

“For someone who has a condition called vestibulitis, which is a specific type of irritation in the skin at the posterior portion of the vaginal opening, surgery is necessary. Fortunately, this is a relatively minor procedure and simply involves excision of superficial skin in the affected area,” Dr. Savells said. “Sometimes I’ll see patients who just need a little bit of help, they’ve just had a little bit of narrowing and a very short course of dilator therapy, from four to six weeks, gets them back to where they want to be.”

Dilator therapy is a treatment that is used to gently stretch and expand your vaginal tissue over time. This improves its elasticity and reduces the pain you may feel during sexual intercourse.

“If your pain with intercourse is due to uterine prolapse or the uterus falling down, then a hysterectomy may be necessary,” she said.

It can affect your mental health

“Lots of women feel insufficient in their relationship at home. A lot of women feel less sexy or attractive and it causes significant relationship conflict in some households,” Dr. Savells said. “So, it’s kind of the chicken-and-the-egg discussion.”

“For some people, the anxiety, stress, a previous trauma, history of PTSD can lead to pain with intercourse,” she said. “And then for some patients, some other medical condition was the initial culprit of the pain with intercourse.

“But because of that, now they have anxiety or depression or feel like they’re less than,” Dr. Savells added.

Try pelvic floor physical therapy

“I’m a huge fan of pelvic floor physical therapy,” Dr. Savells said, noting that “physical therapy is great for patients whose pelvis floor muscles have gotten too relaxed as they get older and they may be having urine leakage, some stress incontinence, things like that.

“But it’s just as helpful for patients whose muscles are too tight, which is really where it plays into this discussion,” she added. “So, those patients with vaginismus—where they have lots and lots of tension in their pelvic floor muscles—a physical therapist is good at helping them learn to relax those muscles.”

“We don’t pick how we exhibit our anxiety or our stress or our attention and some patients just tend to have a lot of tightness in their pelvic floor muscles just like other patients report neck tightness or stiffness,” Dr. Savells explained. “A physical therapist can help patients learn to isolate those muscles—it’s not intuitively obvious—and help them learn to be intentional about relaxing those pelvic floor muscles.”

Continue treatment to prevent return

If dyspareunia is treated appropriately, the pain “shouldn’t recur as long as the patient is continuing their treatment,” Dr. Savells said. “Patients have had really good success. If they get the right diagnosis and the right treatment, most of them don’t have problems again as long as they maintain their therapy.”

For example, some “menopausal women will use their estrogen cream, get better and then feel like they are cured, and they will quit using their cream. Then a year later the problem comes back,” she said. “In the beginning it’s hard to convince people this is a chronic thing. This is your new normal.”

Set realistic expectations for sex

“If you surveyed thousands of women, about 40% of them across the board will say that they have concerns about their sexual function,” Dr. Savells said. “But a lot of times, especially in younger women, they have concerns that their body isn’t quite normal because of what they’re comparing themselves to or their partner is telling them that their sex drive is not as good as it should be, that their frequency of intercourse is not as good as he would like for it to be.”

“A lot of their concern about their sex life has to do with setting realistic expectations for them, reassuring them that their anatomy is normal, that their sexual frequency is in fact normal despite what television or social media tells them,” she said. “So, about 40% of women will say that they have sexual concerns, but only 15% of women have true sexual dysfunction, which means it’s interfering with their ability to perform—they can’t have intercourse, they don’t enjoy intercourse.”

Include your partner in the process

“If someone’s doing dilator therapy, that can involve a partner. If you’re doing marital therapy or sex therapy, obviously those involve a partner,” Dr. Savells said, noting “sometimes partners are affected by a woman’s treatment course in other ways, although not directly involved. If a patient requires gynecological surgery for her painful intercourse, then she will be required to abstain from sexual activity for a period of four to six weeks. This is a great opportunity for a partner to be emotionally supportive of her feelings and sexual health.”

“It’s important to include them in the communication so that they understand why this is hurting. A lot of times, it’s often important for patients to reassure their partner that it’s not you,” she said. “Men are often very affected by this problem as well because as soon as the woman is feeling pain, she’s withdrawing a little bit and not as eager to initiate sexual contact. … So, it very much becomes a problem for both of them.”

Don’t be embarrassed

“This should be something that your gynecologist is super comfortable having a conversation about,” Dr. Savells said, noting that “I probably have this conversation multiple times every day, so don’t be embarrassed.”

“Your gynecologist should be super comfortable talking to you about your sex life, the parts that are good, the parts that are bad, the parts that need improvement,” she said. “We have lots of options for how to help.”

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