Tag: Sex Education

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We need to talk about intimate partner violence

By Samara Gerstle

This week, Natasha Trethewey, poet and memoirist, visited Trinity University to read and discuss her work. Her pieces encompass many topics, but she focuses on two things in particular: her experience growing up in Mississippi during the Jim Crow era and the death of her mother. The latter topic got to me: Her mother died at the hands of her boyfriend after a relationship of abuse. It’s not the first time I had heard somebody discuss intimate partner violence (IPV), but it was the first time I had seen it through poetry — through the lens of a mother-daughter relationship. These are things I tend to ruminate on. I considered how universities include IPV in conversations about love and sex.

It’s not talked about nearly enough. We spend so much time discussing sexual assault on campus, and we should continue raising awareness surrounding that. It’s an incredibly prevalent issue, but it’s only one part of the bigger picture. According to the Office on Violence Against Women sexual assault is “any nonconsensual sexual act proscribed by Federal, tribal, or State law, including when the victim lacks capacity to consent.” IPV, however, is defined by the World Health Organization as “behaviour within an intimate relationship that causes physical, sexual or psychological harm, including acts of physical aggression, sexual coercion, psychological abuse and controlling behaviours.”

Though sexual assault and misconduct can occur in any environment, IPV is specific to romantic and sexual relationships. This doesn’t mean it affects fewer people. The American Association of Universities reported that 13% of American undergraduate students experienced “nonconsensual sexual contact by physical force or inability to consent” while in college in 2020. According to Knowledge Networks, 43% of college-aged women and 28% of college-aged men reported experiencing violent or abusive dating behaviors in 2011.

Clearly, IPV is a prevalent issue across all universities in America. I’m not saying that sexual assault, misconduct and rape should not be addressed on college campuses. They absolutely should be, but IPV on college campuses should be talked about just as much. We have to consider ourselves — the Trinity community — in regard to it. We aren’t an exception to the problem.

Cayley Mandadi, a sophomore Trinity student, died on Oct. 31, 2017, after her boyfriend physically assaulted her. Mandadi was a cheerleader and a member of Chi Beta Epsilon at Trinity, and the Trinity community “was packed” in Parker Chapel for her memorial service on Nov. 5, 2017. She was loved.

In September, her boyfriend had destroyed her dorm room, including breaking her laptop and throwing her clothes into trees, and Mandadi’s mother asserts that Trinity failed to respond to reports of stalking, abuse, intimidation and domestic violence. Mandadi was even held responsible for the damage to her dorm, as students are usually responsible for any damage their off-campus guest causes. I’m not placing the blame on anyone but the boyfriend. It’s hard to identify and help someone experiencing IPV, and it’s even harder to help someone when the rules don’t consider IPV. That’s why we need to start talking about it.

There are flyers all over campus about preventing sexual assault. They’re on cork boards and in bathroom stalls. We all have to take the course on Title IX regulations and helping to prevent Title IX-related situations once we begin classes. As a person in a Greek life organization, you have to attend additional training on alcohol and sexual safety at Greek events. There is so much more to be done, but we’re talking about it.

The same must be applied to IPV on college campuses. There are resources for people in violent or abusive relationships, and if you need them — for you or anyone else — use them. However, outside of offering counseling, there aren’t enough at Trinity. We must be quickly and reliably able to identify and acknowledge the signs of IPV, and to do this, we need to talk about it. We have to start having conversations about it — start providing resources on campus to IPV survivors the same way we intend to provide them to sexual assault survivors.

In the long-run, hopefully that will look like flyers pertaining to sexual assault as well as IPV and training that encompasses what a healthy relationship should look like and what the warning signs of IPV are — for both the person within and outside of the relationship. For now, though, talk about it, participate in Purple Week from Oct. 21 to 25, voice your support for implementing more resources.

Advocate for it. Talk about the subject with your friends, your professors, your family. See how you can incorporate that support in clubs you’re in. If you’re suspicious of IPV happening in a relationship you know, bring it up. If you’re experiencing any abuse or violence in your relationship, tell someone. I know it’s hard. It takes bravery, but I know Trinity. Bravery could save someone’s life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Low libido, intercourse pain, orgasm problems?

— Sexual-health doctors are trying to help

Some Canadian doctors aim to address what they call near-total lack of support for women’s sexual health

By Brandie Weikle

A small number of Canadian doctors specializing in women’s sexual health are trying to address what they say is a near-total lack of support for those suffering from common problems such as low libido, difficulty achieving orgasm and pain during intercourse.

“In terms of the juxtaposition with men’s sexual functioning, we are behind and it’s really frustrating,” said Dr. Stephanie Finn of Oakville, Ont.

Finn is one of five Canadian doctors trained by the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH), based in Burnsville, Minn.

While help for male sexual dysfunction has been widely available since erectile dysfunction drug Viagra burst onto the scene — approved for use in Canada in 1999 — women’s sexual health has remained largely shrouded in secrecy.

“When’s the last time your doctor has asked you about your clitoris? Like never, and that’s fascinating, right? We ask men all the time about their penises and their function, sexual functioning and such,” she told White Coat, Black Art.

I think that there is generally a lack everywhere of interest in women’s sexual functioning, and I’m happy to say that I think that’s beginning to change.”

A woman stands in front of an exam chair in a doctor's office.
Dr. Stephanie Finn is a family doctor focusing on women’s sexual medicine.

Originally a family doctor, Finn found that so many of her female patients needed help with sexual issues that she decided to focus on sexual medicine, opening her clinic about a year ago.

Part of that work is simply teaching women about their bodies, she says.

“It is really common for women to have almost no understanding of their own anatomy,” Finn said.

“I’ve had women who really haven’t a good idea about where their clitoris is. I’ve had people say, ‘Oh, I’ve always wondered,’ and sometimes I’m slightly surprised by that response in women who are in their 50s.”

Finn offers her patients the option of holding a mirror while she gives them a guided tour of their genitalia. Or she’ll use a 3D model to show patients things such as how the clitoris is actually a wishbone-shaped organ, with only the clitoral bulb visible externally.

An illustration of the parts of the vulva.
Parts of the vulva.

A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2023 found that the bulb has around 10,000 nerve endings. That’s compared to about 7,800 at the tip of the penis, according to a paper published in the same journal in February.

A culture of shame

Some of that knowledge gap and reluctance among women to seek help for sexual-health issues is tied to cultural shame, says Dr. Stephanie Hart from Okotoks, Alta., another ISSWSH-trained family doctor.

In North America, vaginas are dirty. Like, I actually had somebody say that to me yesterday,” said Hart, who opened her specialized clinic in 2019.

For some women, that’s simply because they are grossed out by bodily fluids, including those that come out of the vagina, she says.

An exam chair inside a doctor's office.
A chair used for gynecological exams in Finn’s clinic. Many women are uncomfortable with speaking openly about sexual health.

But for others, it’s a morality issue: “You know, ‘sex is shameful.’ That’s a very common attitude that I see people [have]. And kind of unsurprising that people would then have sexual dysfunction when they feel that way about it.”

Despite people’s difficulty talking about their sex lives, these clinics are busy. Hart says she sees 250 new patients every year in her practice, 75 to 80 per cent of them being women, but is referred around 400.

“So every six months, I’m another three months behind.”

Finn said she sees about 15 new patients every week at her Oakville clinic.

A model of a vulva.
Finn often shows her patients a model of a vulva to help familiarize them with their own anatomy.

Most Canadian women do not have access to a doctor who specializes in sexual health. Existing clinics where women have traditionally sought care for sexual health are focused on contraception and infection, says Hart.

These kinds of clinics refer patients to her when they bring up difficulties like pain during sex or low libido, Hart says, as do specialists such as gynecologists.

Help for low libido

Carolina Jara, 57, says she used to be a very sexual person, but since menopause, her libido has tanked.

“My libido went somewhere. I don’t know, maybe back home,” joked Jara, who is originally from Peru but lives in Vancouver.

She says she’s worried about how that can impact her relationship with her husband of eight years. And that part is not a laughing matter.

A close-up of a woman with white earrings and a red top.
Carolina Jara, 57, says she used to be a very sexual person — but now, she is suffering from low libido.

“He still wants it, but I don’t get ignited, I don’t get an orgasm for many years. So it feels more like a duty, more than something that I enjoy.”

There are two medications approved for use in Canada that can be used to increase sexual desire in women: a pill called flibanserin, and a self-injectable called bremelanotide.

Unlike Viagra, which is used on an as-needed basis and acts by increasing blood flow to the penis, both of these drugs impact the brain chemicals that influence mood and sexual appetite. Flibanserin must be taken daily and has been shown to have serious potential side effects.

A pink pill is seen on a piece of paper that shows part of the Sprout Pharmaceuticals logo.
Flibanserin, pictured above, is one of two medications approved in Canada that can be used to increase sexual desire in women.

Critics have argued that libido problems are more a matter of mismatch between the sexual appetites of partners that would be better addressed with relationship counselling.

A non-medical tool for addressing low libido or difficulty achieving orgasm is a class of sex toys sometimes referred to as clitoral suction devices.

“We have wonderful studies actually now showing improved clitoral blood flow and pelvic floor blood flow using these devices,” Finn said. “We know they can make a huge difference for women when they are attempting to achieve orgasm.”

Pain during sex

But sexual-health issues are by no means the exclusive domain of older women, says Finn, whose patients range in age from teenagers to octogenarians.

Talia Steele, 34, suffered for years from pain during sex, stemming from a series of problems that started with a common urinary tract infection.

Woman with shoulder-length curly hair smiles at the camera.
Talia Steele says she had some early negative experiences with male doctors and felt her problems weren’t treated with sensitivity.

Eventually she got surgery to address the issues. But all the poking and prodding, and her history of painful sex, has had lasting effects.

“There’s always that bit of anxiety, never being able to be fully in the moment, always in your head about what’s going on,” said Steele, who is married and also lives in Vancouver.

“Even though I don’t have that pain, those feelings and thoughts still enter my brain at times, and it can be challenging to try new things or come out of my comfort zone.”

Greater Victoria’s Sex Lady discusses sexual health and how teaching it has evolved

One of the challenges with getting care for women’s sexual-health issues is that there’s no established medical specialty for them.

“You take these women with pain [during] sex, for example, and you send them to the gynecologist who would say, ‘Well, it’s not endometriosis,’” Hart said. That might be the end of the road if the doctor doesn’t know about other options that might help.

Hart says she’s on a mission to teach other doctors how to help, starting with asking patients the right questions.

“Like, actually ask if somebody has pain with sex and then know what to do about it if the person says yes. Because patients won’t always volunteer the information if they don’t know that there’s something that can be done.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What It Means To Have Big Dick Energy

— And How To Tell if You Have It

BDE isn’t literal—it’s a state of mind.

By

WHAT DO IDRIS Elba, Stanley Tucci, Jeff Goldblum, and Rihanna all have in common? BDE—or “big dick energy”—according to people on the Internet. After quickly becoming a breakout search term in 2018 (we’ll get to that in a sec), BDE cemented itself as an official part of the pop culture lexicon. The Oxford Dictionary even dubbed it “word of the year” when it first made waves on Twitter, and it has since featured heavily in the lyrics of songs like “Big Energy” by rapper Latto.

But what exactly does it mean to have BDE? Does it have anything to do with actual penis size? And more importantly, how can you tell if you have it?

Here’s the thing: There’s no hard-and-fast definition of BDE. To a degree, BDE is in the eye of the beholder, and is totally subjective. (Hence why some may insist that Timothée Chalamet has BDE, while others scoff at the suggestion.) That said, most people seem to be able to agree on the basics.

With that in mind, here’s what to know about what BDE is (and isn’t)—and what kind of person has it.

The history of BDE

>The origins of BDE can be traced back to Ariana Grande’s infamous 2018 tweet revealing that her then-boyfriend, Pete Davidson, possessed a penis measuring “like 10 inches.” (The tweet was deleted shortly thereafter, but the Internet never forgets—and has receipts.) Among the many responses, one Twitter user suggested that Davidson has “big dick energy,” and that tweet quickly went viral. Within a matter of days, there were countless thinkpieces and debates about who has BDE, and who decidedly does not.

But what many don’t realize is that the term BDE was actually coined a month prior—when it was used to describe the then-recently deceased Anthony Bourdain. In a tweet eulogizing the famed chef, Kyrell Grant wrote: “We’re talking about how anthony bourdain had big dick energy which is what he would have wanted.” (Grant isn’t wrong.)

anthony bourdain
Anthony Bourdain

“It’s a phrase I’d used with friends to refer to guys who aren’t that great but for whatever reason you still find attractive,” Grant explained in an essay for the Guardian.

What it means to have BDE

Urban Dictionary defines big dick energy as a kind of magnetic quality emitted by someone who “has a colossal phallus and doesn’t have to tell anyone about it.”

Urban Dictionary also notes that people with BDE possess the following qualities:

  • Kindness
  • Leadership
  • Positivity towards others
  • Great humor
  • A “don’t fuck with me” aura

Something to keep in mind: Even if Grande didn’t brazenly reveal what Davidson was packing, his impressive dating history alone—which includes Kim Kardashian, Kate Beckinsale, and Emily Ratajkowski—made him the poster child for big dick energy. So, if your friends and family are often miffed by the people you attract, or you suspect you’re often dating “out of your league,” there’s a good chance you’ve got BDE.

But here’s what we learned when we polled a handful of people about their definition of BDE.

Lucy, 36, claims it’s displayed in “confidence but not cockiness… A guy who carries himself well but might have a bit of an attitude… he’s got that rizz.”

Eliza, 35, adds that “anyone can have it,” regardless of gender or other factors. “It’s self-assuredness,” she told Men’s Health. “The ultimate panty-melting combo is BDE with a dash of bashfulness. Like, you’re confident, but will absolutely blush when your crush says something a little naughty.”

According to Alex, 32, BDE can’t really be cultivated. “You can’t buy it, you can’t learn it — either have it or you don’t. If you think you have it you probably don’t,” they said. “Because that’s the thing about BDE: as soon as you start feeling yourself a little bit too much, it instantly evaporates.”

Zoe, 35, agrees. “It’s swagger without bravado—with a sprinkling of chivalry in the best cases but sometimes just aloofness,” she explained. “But men should know that they cannot fool us, BDE is not dictated (pun) by the individual but by those who observe them.”

And by the way, if you’re insecure about your height—Julia, 30, wants you to know that you can definitely still give off BDE even if you don’t qualify for the NBA.

“I feel like I need to preface this by saying that I don’t think only short men have BDE, but they’re truly what comes to mind,” she told Men’s Health. “BDE to me is all about how you carry yourself. I’m picturing a short king who’s walking tall with his shoulders back and exuding charm, wit, and compassion. He’s not trying to overcompensate, battle some Napoleon Complex, or feel the need to prove his point or validate his opinion.”

Grant, the inventor of this catchy phrase, admits that she doesn’t have BDE herself, because she owns the Hamilton soundtrack. “Anybody who owns that can’t have it,” she wrote.

But then again, having insecurities doesn’t automatically disqualify you from having BDE, says Zoe—in fact, it’s quite to the contrary.

“Self-deprecation actually goes a long way,” she adds.

While definitions across the Internet can range, it seems one thing folks can agree on is this: if you brag about the size of your D, you definitely don’t have BDE. You know the guy who has to drive the most expensive and impractical sports car or humblebrag about his international travels or professional achievements on social media? Yeah, that’s automatic LDE.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Talk dirty to me with Dr. Carol Queen

By Myisha Battle

How do I talk dirty? Are people actually having safe oral sex? How can I explore dating and sexuality in my 60s?

Dr. Carol Queen is an author, sex-positive activist, and the staff sexologist at Good Vibes. This week she joins Myisha to take on your questions about dirty talk, anilingus, and exploring dating and sexuality in your 60s. Plus, hear which of your dating horror stories left us truly mortified.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

 

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Your pelvic floor might be impacting your orgasms, here’s how

By DAISY HENRY

Keep that good thing going.

If there was a way to achieve better orgasms, would you take it? Sure, sex and pleasure shouldn’t always be about the big ‘O’ (in fact, there’s a solid case for rethinking that approach completely), but the temptation surely remains.

Stressed? Orgasm. Horny? Orgasm. Tired? Orgasm. Whether it’s self-inflicted or delivered to you by someone else, it’s a great cure for many of life’s woes. In fact, a mind-bending, head-exploding orgasm has to be high up there with one of the finer things.

When you hear the term pelvic floor, your mind likely jumps straight ahead to Kegels. More often than not, Kegels are heralded are the no-nonsense, fast-tracked way to improve your orgasms and have better sex.

While they seem simple enough (i.e. you can do them sitting at your desk and no one will know), I find the idea of doing constant Kegel reps throughout my day a bit much. According to Heather Foord, women’s health specialist and founder of Core Restore, a pelvic floor and core clinic, there’s a lot more you can do to help strengthen and relax your pelvic floor and ultimately achieve better orgasms. Below, Heather walks us through the basics.

What are we talking about when we say ‘pelvic floor’?

Here’s the kicker. For a muscle group that’s so important, we can get so confused about ‘what’ and ‘where’ the pelvic floor is because we can’t see it. The pelvic floor is the shape of a basin. It connects to each side of your pelvis and then connects to the pubic bone at the front and the tailbone at the back.

Its number one job is to support your pelvic organs and support the holes you have ‘down there’. So, for those of us with vulvas, it provides a framework around your urethra (where you wee), your vagina and your bowel. And, contrary to popular belief, the pelvic floor affects so much more than how you wee.

Does a stronger pelvic floor equal stronger orgasms?

In short, yes. Research shows us that women with stronger pelvic floor muscles have higher sexual function and increased levels of desire, arousal and orgasm. The female orgasm starts with the pelvic floor contracting and relaxing in a rhythmic fashion. That’s where the ‘waves of pleasure’ that women describe stem from.

The contractions of the pelvic floor can number anywhere from one to 20 or even more. We all want longer, stronger orgasms, right? So, we want to make sure the pelvic floor has all the strength and endurance it can to keep that good thing going.

And, it’s not just about your orgasm. If you’re partaking in penetrative sex with a partner, the pelvic floor muscles can play a key role in their pleasure too (talk about a multitasker). So, when you climax, the pelvic floor closes and relaxes around the vagina and anus, enhancing the sensation for your plus one.

For those of you with a penis, the pelvic floor is also key when it comes to sexual function. Weak muscles can make it tricky to get or maintain an erection and it can lead to premature ejaculation. These muscles are important for the male orgasm, as their job is to contract during climax to eject the semen from the body.

How might your pelvic floor negatively affect your orgasms?

The first and most obvious way is that if your pelvic floor is weak, the orgasm contractions are likely to be weak so it may be harder to reach orgasm – and if you eventually do, it tends to be a bit of a ‘blah’ orgasm.

But, like any muscle, your pelvic floor can also be too tight. An overly tight pelvic floor (or hypertonic as we say in the health industry) can mean it’s also really hard to achieve orgasm because the muscles are so tight and tired from being switched on all the time, they have no more energy to contract further to get you to climax. This can also lead to painful sex and even pain after orgasm (which is called dysorgasmia).

What other exercises can I do that aren’t Kegels?

If you’re like me and struggle to remember your Kegels, don’t stress – there are other ways to strengthen your pelvic floor! And, if you’re overly tight? There are stretches you can do to help your pelvic floor relax, too. If you’re looking to work on strength, try exercises like the goblet squat, marching bridge and bird dog. If you want to relax your muscles, try a child’s pose, mermaid pose and reclined butterfly sit.

My biggest tip is to get to know your own body and reach out for help. Sex, libido and orgasms are dependent on so many different things. It can be related to your physical function (i.e. pelvic floor), or it can be impacted by stress levels, hormones, lifestyle… the list goes on.

Whether it’s lack of libido, painful sex, struggle to climax, struggles with erections or vaginal laxity, know that you’re not alone and there are so many health professionals here to help. In the Core clinics, we use technology to treat pelvic floor weakness in less than three weeks, but if you can’t make it to a clinic and want to find someone local, get in touch.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Masturbation May Help With Menopause Symptoms

“Self-pleasure offers an effective, accessible tool.”

By

With symptoms like hot flashes, trouble sleeping, and vaginal dryness in the mix, menopause can be a difficult experience for many women. However, there are treatment options available, including hormone therapy and lifestyle tweaks. Now, new research has pinpointed a lifestyle hack that can help women struggling with symptoms of menopause: masturbation.

That’s the major takeaway from early research released by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University on September 16. Of course, this is an unusual treatment plan and it’s understandable to have questions about how, exactly, this all works. Here’s what’s behind all of this.

Meet the expert: Women’s health expert Jennifer Wider, MD.

What did researchers find?

Researchers, who conducted the surveys in partnership with in partnership with sexual wellbeing company the Lovehoney Group and its Womanizer brand, did so over two phases. The first phase surveyed 1,500 American adults between the ages of 18 and 88 to look at overall public knowledge about menopause. In phase two, the scientists surveyed 1,500 women between the ages of 40 and 65 to learn more about their experiences with menopause.

In the first phase, the researchers found that more than 75 percent of women knew that menopause was the permanent end of having a period. However, they also discovered that very few women would identify the symptoms of menopause.

In phase 2, the researchers discovered that 36.2 percent of women going through menopause said that they had an improvement in their symptoms when they masturbated. But while one in 10 women said they used self-pleasure as the main way they coped with menopausal symptoms, 46 percent of women said they would be open to trying masturbation to relieve their symptoms if it was recommended by a healthcare provider.

Can masturbation relieve menopause symptoms?

It’s important to point out that the researchers didn’t explore whether masturbation can relieve symptoms of menopause. Instead, they found that some women said it helped with their symptoms. (But this wasn’t studied in a lab or anything.)

That said, there are some theories on why this could help. “Masturbation has been shown to improve mood, improve sleep, and promote vaginal health,” says women’s health expert Jennifer Wider, MD. “This is why it may help alleviate some of the symptoms of menopause.”

By the way, Wider says that having an orgasm via sex may create similar results in some women. “In others who are experiencing vaginal dryness, intercourse will be painful and getting to the point of orgasm may be difficult and not have the same desired results,” she adds.

“This survey shows self-pleasure offers an effective, accessible tool for menopausal symptom relief, which is important to integrate with existing care strategies,” said Cynthia Graham, PhD, senior scientist at the Kinsey Institute, added in a statement.

Do doctors recommend masturbation for menopause?

As of now, it’s not common for doctors to recommend masturbation for menopause. However, it’s worth noting that five percent of the women surveyed by the Kinsey Institute said that their doctors suggested masturbation as a possible way to manage their symptoms. So, clearly some doctors are recommending it.

Ultimately, Wider says this is worth trying if you’re interested. “This is a risk-free recommendation and has little downside— and it has potential to alleviate some unwanted menopausal symptoms,” she says.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I stopped having sex like a capitalist

— You should try it

“Now, at 29, with years of orgasm-chasing one night stands, toxic relationships and unlearning under my belt, I think I finally get it.”

By Laura Roscioli

I used to have so much energy for all kinds of sex. One night stands. Crazy kinks. All-nighters with an unexpected participant. Couples, friends, people from the internet. I think it was because it was all a bit of a mystery. I was figuring out what I liked, my sexuality, my boundaries. But I was also figuring out what it meant to be a sexual woman in a male dominated world. I was in an era of understanding how my sexuality could be empowering, rather than something that decreases my value.

I feel we’re not really told enough about sex, especially as women. We’re not taught to ask for what we want, we’re not really sure what the norm is… we just feel a lot of pressure to look a certain way and be into certain things, without asking ‘why?’. It was a lot to learn but it gave me the energy to engage with sex in a somewhat surface-level and self-focused way.

As I’ve grown into myself, my relationship with sex has changed so much. I don’t have the energy for sex that doesn’t make me feel safe and grounded. I very rarely feel that animalistic desire to consume sex to satiate a need to figure it – and myself – out, because I’m not aiming for this unachievable pinnacle of orgasm anymore. It’s not a mystery I need to solve to have good sex. But it used to be.

Back in my one night stand days, orgasms felt like the headline act. That everything I — and the person I was in bed with — did, was in the lead up to the orgasm. There were different ways to get there, of course, but really, sex was all about cumming.

It’s a lot of pressure to fully let go and have a wild, mind-bending experience in an intimate setting with someone you hardly know, in the unquestioned effort to reach an orgasm. But it’s always been part of the criteria of doing sex ‘successfully’.

“We’ve come to define ‘good sex’ as achieving an orgasm mostly through the way sex is sold to us,” says sex therapist, Aleks Trkulja. “We’ll often see porn, film and TV scenes that portray a ‘good’ sexual experience as one where people are ejaculating and orgasming.”

Aleks thinks there’s an element of capitalist mentality within it too, where even in sex, we have to “always be producing and achieving and if we’re not, we feel that somehow we’ve failed”. This rings so true to my early experiences with sex. If I wasn’t able to cum or, worse still, I wasn’t able to make the person I was intimate with cum, I felt like I hadn’t done it right.

“There’s this deeply entrenched capitalist attitude, even within a space like sex, that truthfully has no real agenda or criteria of what it should and shouldn’t look like. This pressure is damaging and creates performance anxiety.”

This is why sex can feel stressful. It’s like we’re working towards this goal we don’t really understand and it actually takes us out of the moment and into our heads, making the experience less enjoyable.

And it also becomes boring over time. If each time you have sex with someone new, you’re trying to achieve that same thing in a different way, it can feel predictable. Like, not this again! Not another night of me wondering if I’m good enough at giving blowjobs because they didn’t orgasm from it. Not another night of feeling someone figure out how they’re best going to conquer my body and give me “the best orgasm” I’ve ever had.

By the time I was single again after my previous long-term relationship, I was so done with all of that. I didn’t feel horny for sex unless it was going to be a relaxing, fun and energising experience. To me, that was what I’d come to decide good sex was.

Aleks defines good sex as “a sexually intimate experience you have with consenting adults, where you feel safe and your pleasure is prioritised”. A space that has allowed you to have “an embodied, grounded, enjoyable and curious time”.

“That definition is really important,” she says.  “A lot of people assume good sex means you had multiple orgasms, your dick was rock hard the entire time etc. And it actually has very little to do with function and more to do with how safe and present you feel in your body. That you’re enjoying what you’re doing with yourself or with other people.”

Now, at 29, with years of orgasm-chasing one night stands, toxic relationships and unlearning under my belt, I think I finally get it.

You could literally just be lying down with someone, your clothes off and being stroked in a way that makes you tingle all over: that is good sex. If you’re able to create an environment that makes you feel sexually attuned with yourself, where you feel able to explore free of judgment, where you feel turned on without having to think too hard, where your curiosity and comfort, like Aleks said, is more at the forefront of your mind than your orgasm-count; that is good sex.

“Because we live in a culture and society that deeply conditions us with very intense attitudes around sex that are often embedded within shame, it can be a really difficult process to unlearn your sexual attitudes and beliefs,” says Aleks. “It’s really normal to need professional help, often because the people around you haven’t done that work and you’ll constantly be faced with those beliefs.”

However, if we want to feel empowered and energised by sex, it’s important to redefine what pleasure means to us.

“You need to learn to be present in your body and find pleasure and joy in your body, in a way that is not defined by goal-oriented achievements,” she says. “So not: I orgasmed – therefore I achieved good sex, but rather; I felt pleasure in my body, I felt safe in my body, I was curious in my body. That is good enough. It’s pleasurable.”

These feelings need to become the new indicators for what is a sexually satisfying experience – not the big ‘O’.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Unpacking the term ‘queer’, its history

— And what it really means

Yes, it’s an identity, but it also conveys a sense of community

BY Sophie Saint Thomas and

A quick geography lesson: whether you live in a loud and proud liberal city or a small, conservative town, queer people are everywhere. And, hi, even though we still have a long way to go in regards to equality, we are making some progress in terms of queer visibility and acceptance. That said, just because society has broadened its language and begun to embrace the spectrum of sexuality, you might still be wondering what queer actually means.

According to Elise Schuster, co-founder and executive director of OkaySo, the simplest way to define ‘queer’ is ‘not straight’. For Schuster, it’s an identity and/or orientation that doesn’t align with the heteronormative expectation that everyone’s automatically heterosexual and heteroromantic. “Queerness is about being outside of the normative,” adds psychologist, author, and speaker Liz Powell. “Queerness is about swimming upstream. It’s about your presence in a culture that is heteronormative, that is cisnormative, that is mononormative.”

Even though more identity-related words are being added to our dictionary, many folks still opt for the reclaimed term ‘queer’. Considering how many people the term describes — as individuals, a community, and even a form of political resistance — queer is a crucial word to understand and celebrate. Whether you identify as queer, want to know if it’s a label you can or should be using, or you’re trying to become a better ally, this exploration will offer everything you need to know about the definition of and history behind the term. Let’s dive in, shall we?

Which orientations fall under the queer umbrella?

Since ‘queer’ is such a broad term, it’s a little confusing to determine who, exactly, it applies to. According to Schuster, “any [orientation or identity] that’s not straight” is considered queer. “Beyond that, it’s really about if the person with that identity wants to see themselves as being part of a larger queer umbrella,” they explain.

To many, queerness encompasses an intersection of identities. Certified sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco adds that the term indicates an “individual who self-identifies as either lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer (also sometimes called ‘questioning’), intersex and/or asexual, AKA the LGBTQIA+ community.”

To keep it supes simple, if someone describes themselves as queer, it’s quite often because their sexual orientation and/or gender falls under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella rather than the heterosexual norm. That said, there are so many ways to identify as queer, so if you feel like you’re queer and want to own it, go forth with pride.

preview for Gender Identity and Sexuality Terms to Know

Does gender fall under the queer umbrella?

It’s important to remember that sexual orientation and gender are two different things. While orientation is about who you’re attracted to romantically or sexually (bisexual, lesbian, gay, etc.), gender identity is about who you are, whether that’s non-binary, a man, woman, or genderqueer. However, queer can describe orientation, gender, or both at the same time.

“This term has a triple meaning,” says NYU professor of sexuality, scientist, and writer Zhana Vrangalova. “It is meant to designate non-heterosexual sexual orientation, a non-binary gender identity, and then the third meaning is both, at the same time.”

So while gender and orientation are different, they both fall under the queer umbrella.

So… which orientations aren’t queer?

The definition of queer varies depending on who you ask, so it’s a little tricky to determine who isn’t queer. Since sexuality is a spectrum, it sometimes makes using the term polarising for bisexual and heteroflexible individuals (even though they totally count). Generally, someone who is heterosexual, heteroromantic, cisgender, and monogamous wouldn’t be considered queer — but there’s an exception

Pasciucco, for example, utilises the ‘+’ sign when referring to the queer community in order to indicate pangender or pansexual individuals and those in alternative relationship communities, such as polyamory, kink, or non-monogamy. “As a person who is mostly in other-sex relationships, not all individuals who identify as queer believe that people like me, or people in the plus [of LGBTQIA+], ought to be included in the community,” Pasciucco explains.

There has been some controversy regarding whether it’s PC for straight polyamorous people to call themselves queer. While many in these communities argue that they certainly live outside of the #tradlife norm and should therefore get to call themselves queer, critics argue that for a straight poly person to use the word unfairly piggybacks on decades of LGBTQIA+ activism to gain fundamental rights and celebrate their identities.

two individuals lie on a textured couch with one positioned sideways and the other resting their head back the person on the left is wearing a striped shirt while the other is in a light coloured jacket the surroundings feature soft lighting and plants creating an intimate atmosphere their body language suggests a comfortable connection

And the truth is, some people within polyamorous or kink communities do identify as queer even if they enjoy solely heterosexual relationships. “Just because it’s one penis and one vagina, that doesn’t mean there’s not some queer aspect of you,” queer sex therapist Kelly Wise explains.

For some, the broadness of the term ‘queer’ can be challenging, as it doesn’t offer the same precise picture that other identities, such as lesbian, paint. “I like that broad definition and the vagueness of it and the inclusivity of it,” Vrangalova says. “I personally love it as an umbrella for all of the diversity.”

That’s why it’s always best to use the labels someone chooses for themselves, even if they’re not the label you yourself would’ve used in their situation. When in doubt, just ask how someone identifies, and don’t forget to ask their pronouns while you’re at it.

Is the word ‘queer’ an insult?

The celebration and use of the word ‘queer’ is one of reclamation, since not too long ago, it was used as a slur. “Back in the day, definitely when I was growing up, the word ‘queer’ was a derogatory term,” Wise says.

Schuster adds that it was used to say someone was ‘wrong’ if they were gay or different.

It wasn’t until the late 80s that the LGBTQIA+ community adopted the term as a form of pride. “I like to think that my queer identity is me saying, ‘You thought you were insulting me, but this is actually something I love about myself’,” Schuster says.

“My queerness is about ways that I am challenging the structures of our society”

That’s partly why, for many folx, queer is also a political identity. “My queerness is about ways that I am challenging the structures of our society,” Powell explains. “And so for me, that is really where queerness lives, in the ways that you are aligning and going with structures in society or fighting it,” they say.

An important note: while the word queer is generally celebrated, some LGBTQIA+ folks still prefer to avoid it due to its discriminatory history. Schuster notes that the term hasn’t completely lost its negative potential.

“It’s safest for folks who are in the LGBTQIA+ community to use the word, especially when referring to an individual,” they explain. If you’re referring to the queer community (but you’re not a part of it), Schuster suggests just using ‘LGBTQIA+’ to avoid coming off unintentionally derogatory. And if you’re ever unsure what label someone uses or the term they prefer, politely ask them! “Like any term, it is entirely up to an individual how they want to identify and use this language,” Schuster says.

couple lesbian woman with gay pride flag on the street of madrid city

Is queer a sexual identity, a gender identity, or a community?

Queerness is more nuanced than a sexual identity or gender identity, says Pasciucco, who adds that it’s a fluid movement “beyond the binary of cisgender and heteronormativity”. As Nicole Scrivano, one of Pasciucco’s colleagues, explained in a blog post:

“As queer women, we come in a variety of forms, identities, and belief systems. Some of these identities are within sexual identities of bisexual, lesbian, gay, pansexual, etc. Some of these identities are within gender: transgender, cisgender, non-binary, femme, gender flexible, etc. Relational identities such as monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, open, etc. Queer women are on a spectrum of gender and sexual fluidity.”

Some folks who fall anywhere in the middle of the sexual orientation spectrum will describe themselves as queer, rather than bisexual or pansexual. Others will use both and introduce themselves as ‘bisexual and queer’, for instance. And, as noted, the term ‘queer’ is also used by those whose gender does not fall on the binary.

Other LGBTQIA+ folks may identify as queer for the simple reason that it’s easier to say one word when describing themselves.

So, not only is ‘queer’ used to describe sexual, romantic, and gender identities, but as previously mentioned, it can also be used to describe the LGBTQIA+ community. Wise says that in using ‘queer’ as a community term, it creates a sense of acceptance. “There’s an aspect to it that doesn’t allow for isolation.”

Ultimately, the definition of queer might be different depending on who you ask, but all the experts agree it’s a powerful word that celebrates accepting yourself and others for exactly who they are.

How do I know if I’m queer?

Considering that ‘queer’ can refer to sexual orientation, gender identity, community, politics, and, perhaps controversially, even relationship formats, it may seem like the word is up for grabs for everyone. Generally speaking, if you’re straight, cis, and monogamous, it’s probably best to leave the term for those whose identity falls outside such norms.

However, if your identity isn’t straight, cis, and monogamous, and the word queer just feels right, go ahead and use it to describe yourself and meet other queer folks. Not only will you foster a community and build a chosen family that can make the troubles and trauma that come with being queer easier, but you can continue to take back the narrative from centuries of oppression. So, cheers, allies and queers, and continue to wave your pride flag as flamboyantly as you want.

two people are engaged in a warm embrace showcasing a connection one individual wears an outfit featuring bold turquoise and blue stripes while the other is dressed in a sleek black top the background is colourful with a large mirror reflecting additional figures and patterns various objects including a rolled up item and a bag are scattered nearby contributing to the lively atmosphere

How do I find queer community?

Finding your queer community might seem daunting, but there are many avenues to explore. Start by engaging with online platforms and social media groups, using search terms like #Queer and #QueerCommunity on Instagram and TikTok.

Local LGBTQIA+ organisations and community centres also provide a plethora of resources, from support groups to social events. Attending local events, such as Pride parades, workshops, or LGBTQIA+ art exhibitions, can also be a fantastic way to meet people and foster connections within the community. Virtual communities can be a lifeline for those in smaller towns or more conservative areas, offering support and a sense of belonging without geographical constraints.

Lastly, consider reaching out to local queer bars, cafes, bookstores, and volunteer organisations. These places often serve as informal community hubs and can provide a relaxed environment to meet new people and exchange ideas. Remember, every interaction doesn’t need to lead to a deep connection, and it’s essential to respect that not every queer person will openly claim their community. Even today, it’s not safe for every LGBTQIA+ person to be out, and part of being both a good ally and/or member of the queer community is letting others decide how and when they come out. If you are in a position to do so, use your privilege to help fight queerphobia to the best of your abilities.

By understanding the diverse and dynamic nature of queerness, you can more confidently explore and engage with communities that affirm and celebrate your identity. Embrace the journey, knowing that each step you take is a move towards finding a space where you can truly be yourself.

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No Kink-Shaming Allowed

— Why You Shouldn’t Judge Others’ Sexual Desires

Never yuck someone’s yum.

By

Kink-shaming is the act of making someone feel less than or problematic for their sexual desires. To some, the act of your partner putting a collar around your neck during sex or spanking you in the bedroom is a definite no. To others, these may be the sensual highlights of their week. That’s the beauty of individual differences.

In the world of kink, there’s always something new to explore, so approaching kink with an open mind is key. Remember, kink is consensual sexual play, so if all parties are of age, give enthusiastic consent and practice kink safely, one should refrain from shaming it.

Woman in Lace Garters Kink

 

How kink-shaming became the norm

The act of kink-shaming is rooted in centuries of sex-negative behavior. As the world has viewed sex as taboo for centuries, a whole slew of problematic behavior became the norm.

Take hysteria and the creation of the vibrator for example. In the earliest history of sex toys, vibrators were used as a method of shaming women and handling their “hysteria.” What was hysteria, you ask? Undesirable behavior like depression, lack of sexual appetite and a “tendency to cause trouble.” Doctors basically started prescribing women the use of vibrators as a “marital aid.” Essentially, if you weren’t getting your husband off, you would be prescribed a vibrator to “fix your issues.”

Why is kink-shaming bad?

Shaming others for their desires isn’t one isolated negative moment. People internalize shame and carry that weight for years. It causes emotional, social and physiological stress due to people feeling ostracized from their communities and never being able to live authentically sexually. Imagine the stress that comes with not being able to simply have a good orgasm because of shame. Kink is meant to be invigorating and freeing. Who are we to deny people of that pleasure?

Woman in Lace Garters Kink

 

How can you avoid kink-shaming?

Like with becoming more sex-positive, the best way to curve that negative thought process is by educating yourself. Educate yourself on the experiences of others, have consensual conversations with others about what they enjoy about intimacy, sex and kink if they’re comfortable.

Avoiding kink-shaming is essentially becoming more sex-positive. It’s seeking to understand, not to judge. It’s important to ask yourself why your immediate reaction to new experiences is to judge and shame.

Remember, you’re human

No one is perfect. No one is 100% unproblematic. After all, the term “get with the times” exists for a reason. We all have some learning to do, and when it comes to being sex-positive, unlearning kink-shaming is a necessary step.

Remember, kink is an act of sexual freedom and creativity, as long as you and all parties have given consent.

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Why We Need to Prioritize Pleasure-Centric Approaches in Sex Education

— The risk-reduction framework that guides most U.S. sex ed focuses almost exclusively on avoiding unintended pregnancy and STDs—overlooking other critical topics such as healthy relationships, consent and pleasure.

By and

In her essay collection Pleasure Activism, activist adrienne maree brown writes, “Pleasure activism asserts that we all need and deserve pleasure and that our social structures must reflect this. … Pleasure activism acts from an analysis that pleasure is a natural, safe and liberated part of life—and that we can offer each other tools and education to make sure sex, desire, connection, and other pleasures aren’t life-threatening or harming, but life-enriching.”

With a new school year in full swing and elections around the corner, it’s only normal that we’re feeling anxious about what could happen this fall. This is especially true for young people, whose sexual and reproductive freedom hangs in the balance as we face abortion bans, attacks on trans care, birth control and more. But what’s a better antidote for anxiety, than empowering youth with pleasure-centric tools and resources that allow them to reclaim control of their bodily autonomy?

Pleasure-inclusive sex education increases sexual self-esteem, sexual self-confidence and safe choices.

As the coordinator of a Youth Health Promoters program at Planned Parenthood of Greater New York, I meet throughout the year with a cohort of highly trained, high school-aged peer educators who facilitate evidence-based sexuality trainings to community partners and organizations. I encourage them to be agents of sex education amongst their peers in a way that feels accessible, shame-free and moves away from a ‘good versus bad’ binary thinking. In this role, I have real-time knowledge of the kind of methods that resonate with youth the most.

Talking about sex in a judgment-free and positive environment that makes participants feel empowered rather than ashamed or guilty, is far more effective than talking about infections or the risk of an unwanted pregnancy. When youth are immersed in a hyper-sexualized digital world and have unlimited access to information at their fingertips, the power of peer-to-peer training—paired with evidence-based knowledge and studies—could help them filter through all of it and build better discernment for a healthier sex life.

Despite being considered a leading state for sexual and reproductive health access, New York lags tremendously when it comes to comprehensive sex education.

  • According to a 2022 ACLU report, about 50 percent of high school students in New York reported engaging in sexual intercourse, and of these, only 11 percent reported using a prevention method to protect against unplanned pregnancy and STIs.
  • Teenagers ages 15 to 19 represent more than 50 percent of new STI cases in New York state, and 10 percent of New York teenagers report experiencing physical dating violence.
  • Comprehensive sex ed is not a requirement in most public school curriculums, and the few that do have them are often outdated, inaccurate and stigmatizing.

This lack of nuance and initiative is largely due to an approach that emphasizes abstinence and decenters pleasure.

According to a 2022 systemic review done by The Pleasure Project and The World Health Organization, pleasure-inclusive and -centric sex education increases sexual self-esteem, sexual self-confidence and safe choices. The review found that sexual health programs that include sexual desire: (1.) improve knowledge and attitudes around sex and (2.) increase condom use, which has direct implications for reductions in HIV and STIs. Developing sexual confidence can also prevent dating and sexual violence.

Pleasure-centric sex ed also helps create a more inclusive classroom environment for students who already face a myriad of biases when it comes to their sexuality and gender: LGBTQ+ students, BIPOC students, or students with learning or developmental disabilities. And if a systemic review isn’t enough, according to new nationwide polling commissioned by Planned Parenthood Federation of America, over 9 in 10 adults think it’s important for young people to have access to age-appropriate sex education that covers a wide range of topics.

When our sex education curriculums are already so precarious, we must think about effective approaches to comprehensive sex ed—which has proven more effective than abstinence programs and risk-focused messaging—and how we can ensure those approaches are prioritized in our classrooms.

While other aspects of comprehensive sex education are just as important—such as teaching youth about sexually transmitted infections, testing and treatment, or the different options for birth control—having a pleasure-centric approach empowers young people to make informed decisions and exhibit autonomy in how they engage with pleasure and sex, if at all.

What Does Pleasure-Centric Sex Ed Look Like?

Prioritizing pleasure-centric approaches in our classrooms could look like creating a curriculum that talks about masturbation as a healthy and safe way to explore sexuality. Contrary to a regressive belief that sex ed encourages young people to have sex, using the classroom to debunk all the myths associated with masturbation, does just the opposite: It allows young people to explore pleasure and preferences in their own bodies, without having to resort to a partner or a source outside of themselves.

By asking students to reflect on what’s important for them in relationships and encouraging effective communication around play, orgasms, preferences, consent or connection, we create an environment where any question is valid, where body parts and accurate terms are openly discussed, and where young people can resort to each other for fact-based information. When comprehensive sex education is pleasure-centric, it emphasizes that sexual activity should be pleasure-focused.

This year alone, at least 135 bills related to sex education have been introduced or implemented across the U.S., a majority of which would place more extreme restrictions on sex education in public schools and further digress our relationship with pleasure. At a time when sex education is increasingly under attack, not talking about sex gives the power away to anti-progress agents who are committed to tearing apart our reproductive rights and controlling our bodies.

By centering peer-to-peer conversations on what makes us feel good—physically, mentally and emotionally—we establish a culture where joy, freedom and autonomy are prioritized and healthier schools, communities and relationships are created.

In the words of adrienne maree brown: “We are in a time of fertile ground for learning how we align our pleasures with our values … and getting into a practice of saying an orgasmic yes together.”

We must make sure all of us—not only our youth—have the correct skills to navigate the ebbs and flows of our sexual and reproductive futures. But what better place to start, than in our classrooms?

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