Traditionally, most of us have considered kink to be something outside the conventional ideas of sex, however, a study by the University of Brighton has suggested that as many as 20-30% of the UK population has engaged in it.
However, according to one expert, there is far more nuance to this subculture than we think and, actually, kink is good for more than just spicing up your sex life. In fact, getting familiar with our kinks can actually improve our relationships overall.
HuffPost UK spoke exclusively with Gigi Engle, certified sex and relationship psychotherapist and resident intimacy expert at relationship exploration and dating app 3Fun, to learn more about what we should all know about this hot topic…
Everything you didn’t know about kink, according to an expert
Engle believes that to some degree, this sexual subculture is being misrepresented. Speaking about the popular films that depict kink, she says: “Kink in mainstream media often neglects the plentiful nuance and negotiation that goes into kink, instead choosing to sensationalise it.
“What we’re supposed to be seeing is something sexy and kinky, but what we’re really seeing is glorified abuse. This isn’t what kink is about. Kink is about boundaries, clear negotiation, and being 100% on board with everything.”
Unfortunately, she warns, this misrepresentation can lead to prejudice and even encouraging abuse. “We often see consent left out of mainstream depictions and this can lead to a lot of problematic outcomes such as people trying ‘kink’ in ways that are very unsafe, people thinking that if you’re into kink you’re into abuse and much more,” Engle explains.
However, while the sexpert acknowledges that this isn’t always the case, she does urge that filmmakers should work directly with sex workers who specialise in kink to help them to create better, more accurate representations.
Until then, Engle urges people to look at how (healthy) kink can improve their relationships, saying: “Kink allows couples to explore fantasy and power dynamics in a unique way. It can really open the doors to greater exploration and excitement, which can be great for deepening intimacy and increasing desire.
“It can aid in sexual communication through negotiation and boundary setting and allow couples to deepen trust by learning and trying things together in a safe way. Kink is part of how adults play. It’s how we get to know our deeper desires and explore together in a way that is bonding and often quite transformative.”
If you’re single, this is of course, a little more complex. Kink requires mutual trust, and an inherent feeling of safety, which isn’t always possible when you’re sleeping with new people.
Engle advises following these three steps to engage in kink safely as a single person:
Always vet partners. You want to ask for references if you’re going to do kink play with a new partner. It’s completely OK to ask to speak to former kink partners because this stuff can be really dangerous and shouldn’t be practiced by someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing.
Set clear boundaries and safewords with all new partners.
Practice alone. You can engage in what’s called “self dominance” or “self submission” where the power dynamics you’re playing with are with yourself. This can look like practicing Shibari rope tying on yourself, using toys on yourself with a set intention for dominance or submission, or using implements like flogger on yourself.
It’s hard to miss the overflowing bowl of condoms at the entrance of the gym.
Some University of Mississippi students walking past after their workout snicker and point, and the few who step forward to consider grabbing a condom rethink it when their friends catch up, laughter trailing behind them. Almost no one actually reaches in to take one.
Though officials say they refill the bowl multiple times a day, and condoms are available at multiple places on campus, Ole Miss students say the disinterest is indicative of changing attitudes.
Fewer young people are having sex, but the teens and young adults who are sexually active aren’t using condoms as regularly, if at all. And people ages 15 to 24 made up half of new chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis cases in 2022.
The downward trend in condom usage is due to a few things: medical advancements like long-term birth control options and drugs that prevent sexually transmitted infections; a fading fear of contracting HIV; and widely varying degrees of sex education in high schools.
Is this the end of condoms? Not exactly. But it does have some public health experts thinking about how to help younger generations have safe sex, be aware of their options—condoms included—and get tested for STIs regularly.
“Old condom ads were meant to scare you, and all of us were scared for the longest time,” said Dr. Joseph Cherabie, medical director of the St. Louis HIV Prevention Training Center. “Now we’re trying to move away from that and focus more on what works for you.”
A shift in attitudes
Downtown Oxford was thrumming the day before the first football game of the season. The fall semester had just started.
Lines of college students with tequila-soda breath waited to be let in dim bars with loud music. Hands wandered, drifting into back pockets of jeans, and they leaned on one another.
It’s likely that many of those students didn’t use a condom, said Magan Perry, president of the college’s Public Health Student Association.
“Using a condom is just a big, ‘uh, no,’” the senior said.
Young women often have to initiate using condoms with men, she said, adding that she’s heard of men who tell a sexual partner they’ll just buy emergency contraception the next day instead.
“I’ve had friends who go home with a guy and say they’re not having sex unless they use a condom, and immediately the reaction is either a reluctant, ‘OK, fine,’ or ‘If you don’t trust me, then I shouldn’t even be here,’” Perry said. “They’re like, ‘Well, I’m not dirty, so why would I use them?’”
Women have long had the onus of preventing pregnancy or STIs, Cherabie said, and buying condoms or emergency contraceptives—which are often in a locked cabinet or behind a counter—can be an uncomfortable experience and “inserts a certain amount of shame,” Cherabie said.
If pregnancy risk has been the driving factor for condom usage among heterosexual couples, the fear of contracting HIV was the motivation for condom use among men who have sex with men.
But as that fear has subsided, so has condom use, according to a recent study that focused on a population of HIV-negative men who have sex with men.
Grindr, a popular gay dating app, even lists condom use under “kinks” instead of “health.” Things like that make Steven Goodreau, an HIV expert at the University of Washington who led the study, worry that the change in attitudes toward condoms is trickling down to younger generations.
Goodreau believes the promotion of pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), a drug that prevents HIV, is overshadowing condoms as a prevention strategy. A strategic plan for federal HIV research through 2025 doesn’t mention condoms, and neither does the national Ending the HIV Epidemic plan.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention acknowledges that condoms are still an effective tool that can be used “alongside newer prevention strategies.”
“We know that condom use has declined among some groups, but they still have an important role to play in STI prevention,” said Dr. Bradley Stoner, director of the CDC’s Division of STD Prevention.
“Condoms can be accessed without navigating the health care system, can be used on-demand, are generally affordable and most importantly, they are effective at preventing HIV and STIs when used consistently and correctly.”
Medical advances allow for more options
Pleasure—for both men and women—has long been an undeniable factor for the lack of condom use, according to Dr. Cynthia Graham, a member of the Kinsey Institute team that studies condoms.
But more so, advances in medicine have expanded the options for both STI and pregnancy prevention.
Young cisgender women have been turning to contraceptive implants like intrauterine devices and birth control pills to keep from getting pregnant. And researchers say that once women are in committed relationships or have one sexual partner for a significant amount of time, they often switch to longer-term birth control methods.
Ole Miss junior Madeline Webb said she and her partner seem like outliers—they have been seeing each other for four years, but still use condoms. They also share the responsibility of buying condoms.
“People see condoms as an inconvenience … but they do serve a purpose even if you’re on birth control because there is always a chance of an STD,” Webb said.
A new drug on the market could mean even more STI prevention options for men and possibly women.
Doxycycline post-exposure prophylaxis, or doxy PEP, can be taken within 72 hours after unprotected sex and can help prevent chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis. It has to be prescribed by a doctor. Trials are still being conducted for women, but the drug is gaining traction among men who have sex with men and transgender women.
With widespread uptake, the drug has the potential to make a significant impact in STI prevention strategies.
“When PrEP came out, everyone was excited because it was one less thing to worry about in terms of HIV acquisition,” Cherabie said. “With another thing on board that can help decrease our likelihood of getting other STIs, on top of not having to worry about HIV, it gives our community and patients a little less anxiety about their sex lives.”
And in just a decade, PrEP has become a main preventive measure against HIV and other STIs for men who have sex with men—though it is disproportionately used by white men.
Condom use now is “pretty much a thing of the past” for men who have sex with men compared to the 1980s and early 1990s during the AIDS epidemic, said Andres Acosta Ardilla, a community outreach director at an Orlando-based nonprofit primary care clinic that focuses on Latinos with HIV.
“Part of what we have to talk about is that there is something enticing about having condomless sex,” Acosta Ardilla said. “And we have to, as people who are working in public health, plan for the fact that people will choose to have condomless sex.”
The fight over sex ed
Despite the relentless Southern sun, a handful of people representing various student organizations sat at tables in the heart of Ole Miss’ campus. Students walked past and grabbed buttons, wristbands and fidget toys. One table offered gold-packaged condoms—for cups to prevent drinks from being spiked.
Actual condoms are noticeably absent. They’re also absent in the state’s public schools.
Condom demonstrations are banned in Mississippi classrooms, and school districts can provide abstinence-only or “abstinence-plus” sexual education—both of which can involve discussing condoms and contraceptives.
Focus on the Family, an Christian organization that advocates for teaching abstinence until marriage, is concerned that comprehensive sex education “exposes students to explicit materials.” Abstinence-centered education is “age-appropriate” and keeps students safe and healthy, Focus on the Family analyst Jeff Johnston said in an emailed statement.
But Josh McCawley, deputy director of Teen Health Mississippi, an organization that works with youth to increase access to health resources, said the effects are clear.
“The obvious consequence is the rise of sexually transmitted infections, which is what we’re seeing right now, which can be a burden on the health care system,” he said, “but also there could be long-term consequences for young people in terms of thinking about what it means to be healthy and how to protect themselves, and that goes beyond a person’s sexual health.”
The latest CDC data from 2022 shows Mississippi has the highest teen birth rate in the country.
Scott Clements, who oversees health information for the state education department, was hesitant to criticize Mississippi’s sex education standards because they’re “legislatively mandated.”
“If the legislature wants to make changes to this, we will certainly follow their lead,” he added—though attempts to pass more advanced sexual education standards have died repeatedly in the Mississippi statehouse over the past eight years.
Nationally, there is no set standard for sex education, according to Michelle Slaybaugh, policy and advocacy director for the Sexuality Information and Education Council for the United States, which advocates for comprehensive sex ed.
Not every state mandates sex education. Some states emphasize abstinence. Less than half of states require information on contraception.
“There is no definitive way to describe what sex ed looks like from classroom to classroom, even in the same state, even in the same district,” Slaybaugh said, “because it will really be determined by who teaches it.”
Compare Mississippi to Oregon, which has extensive state standards that require all public school districts to teach medically accurate and comprehensive sexual education. Students in Portland are shown how to put on a condom starting in middle school and have access to free condoms at most high schools.
Lori Kuykendall of Dallas, who helped write abstinence-focused standards, said condom demonstrations like those in Portland “normalize sexual activity in a classroom full of young people who the majority of are not sexually active.” She also points to increasingly easy access to pornography — in which people typically do not wear condoms—is a contributing factor to the decline in condom use among young people.
Jenny Withycombe, the assistant director for health and physical education at Portland Public Schools, acknowledged the standards see pushback in the more conservative and rural parts of Oregon. But the idea is to prepare students for future interactions.
“Our job is to hopefully build the skills so that even if it’s been a while since the (condom) demo … the person has the skills to go seek out that information, whether it’s from the health center or other reliable and reputable resources,” Withycombe said.
Those standards seem to contribute to a more progressive view of condoms and sex in young adults, said Gavin Leonard, a senior at Reed College in Portland and a former peer advocate for the school’s sexual health and relationship program.
Leonard, who grew up in Memphis—not far from Oxford, Mississippi, said his peers at Reed may not consistently use condoms, but, in his experience, better understand the consequences of not doing so. They know their options, and they know how to access them.
Slaybaugh wants that level of education for Mississippi students—and the rest of the country.
“We would never send a soldier into war without training or the resources they need to keep themselves safe,” she said. “We would not send them into a battle without a helmet or a bulletproof vest. So why is it OK for us to send young people off to college without the information that they need to protect themselves?”
— 9 ways to elevate your next make out sesh to the next stage
Tongue tantalising tips and tricks
By Ebony Leigh
Unless you’ve been off Netflix for the past week, you’ll know that all the entire world can think about right now is arguably the greatest onscreen kiss of all time. With off-the-charts romantic tension and an electrifying chemistry, we’d say it’s impossible not to be swept away by the scene to end all scenes in Nobody Wants This. So how’d they do it?
When Adam Brody’s Noah took the face of Kristin Bell’s Joanne in his left hand, ran his thumb gently along her cheek while gazing deeply into her eyes before slowly moving in for a full mouthed, life altering kiss, you could almost hear the collective gasp from around the globe.
Viewers were left reeling with an all-consuming yearning for their own monumental moment, and if they weren’t a fan of Netflix’s newest romantic comedy series already, then this profound PDA sealed the deal. In the words of one YouTuber, “it made my heart flutter as if it were me”.
So, when it comes to your own lip-locking action, what makes a kiss great, and how can you take your make out moves to the next level?
The power of a kiss
If the effects of a smooch can be felt through our screens, you better believe that an IRL snog can have massive impacts on our bodies.
“In terms of a relationship, you’ve got the pair bonding, passion and deep connection that comes through the release of oxytocin, as well as the connection to your erogenous zones because your lips are an erogenous zone meaning they can create that arousal as well,” certified sex educator Eleanor Hadley tells Body+Soul.
Of course though it all depends on the style of the smacker, and how much you let it “build”.
“You’ve got plutonic sort of kisses, like a cheek kiss or a hello kiss, you’ve got the really intimate, soft and sweet forehead kiss that just makes you melt, and you’ve got the classic peck on the lips,” the sexpert explains. “And then there’s taking it deeper with a long lingering kiss.”
“And then of course, you can start to get a bit more deeper and passionate with the French kiss, introducing tongues and maybe sucking, nibbling or biting on the lips. Some people like the full blown tongue in mouth, full on pash, and then of course you can take a kiss elsewhere on the body like the neck and collarbones.”
Tongue tantalising tips and tricks
As the creator of Tongue Tactics – a guide for going down – Hadley knows the art of pleasurable mouth movement. Here she shares her tips and tricks for how to heat up your make out sessions and improve your kissing technique.
#1. Ask your partner about what they like
First up, the intimacy coach says it’s less about how you’re doing it and more about the connection between you and your partner. And it all comes down to communication.
“So often clients will tell me, ‘I dated this person and they were a bad kisser’, but for someone else that person’s kissing style is amazing and they love it,” Hadley explains. “While maybe for someone that my client dated in the past, maybe their kissing style wasn’t their cup of tea either.”
Like everything else in life, we need to understand where someone else is coming from.
“I’m such a big advocate of actually having a conversation with your partner like, ‘How do you like to be kissed? Do you like tongue? Do you like it when I nibble at your lips or do you hate it? How do you feel about biting? And what kind of movements and pace do you like? Do you like it gentle and sensual or do you like it rough and deep? Do you want a full open mouth kiss every single time, or do you just like a more closed focus on the lips? Because I really like it when you stick your whole tongue in my mouth. It’s really hot. Could you do that more?’.”
Think it sounds daunting? Maybe. But the results? Breathtaking (literally if you both act on the answers).
“I think conversations like this can be really helpful in understanding each other better and it can actually be really fun and cute and hot and sexy to talk about it” says Hadley. “It doesn’t have to be weird and awkward because it’s more like this curiosity of, ‘How could we make this part of our relationship even better’.”
#2. Freshen up before going in
Before getting to a smooch, a good kisser always considers their mouth hygiene.
“So there’s basic dental care – we love a good floss, mouthwash and toothbrush session – and obviously we’re doing that on the daily,” the sex educator says. “And then if you’re about to make out or you’re on your way to a date or if you’re about to finish your date and you know where it’s going, a little freshen up is great. I love those little mouth strips because they’re super handy or even just a mint.”
#3. Take care of your lips
Lip care is imperative, says Hadley. “I definitely use a lip scrub if I’m about to go and get my make out on”.
She recommends buying a product or making your own using sugar and oil, or just grabbing a dry toothbrush. “Rubbing that along your lips and doing little circles will buff away any dry skin,” she explains. “That also kind of brings blood flow, so your lips are going to be a little bit more popped as well which is really nice.”
Then when it comes to game time, Hadley suggests a light lip balm. Or, if it tickles your fancy, a bold lip. “If it’s a vibe and your partner is into it and you’re into it too, lipstick can add to it if you like that messy look,” she says. “Of course, it’s a really personal preference, but I think some people dig it.”
#4. Linger on the lead up
We can’t stress this enough but Nobody Wants This totally did when it took two episodes for the main characters to finally kiss. A long lead up makes the snog even better.
“My philosophy with this is always work from the outside in,” the sex educator explains. “So even before you’re making out, make sure you’ve had eye contact and conversation and build up that connection and chemistry.”
So pay attention, show affection, and stay in the moment, to leave your kissing partner with a lasting memory.
#5. Experiment with the head tilt
Ah the age old conundrum. To go right or left.
“I think you’re going to have a natural way that you want to go, and for me, that just feels like right,” the sexpert explains. “And if you’re in a relationship, you can have a tendency to say, ‘That’s just the way that I go’, and then that can kind of be the pattern. But be open to trying a different way and see how that feels.”
(For the record, Adam Broody went right).
#6. Use your hands
If The OC’s geek Seth Cohen turned millennial woman heart throb Noah has taught us anything, it’s that a truly good kiss involves some steamy body language and the exact right hand placement.
“Depending on the type of kiss you’re having, whether it’s deep and passionate or soft and sweet, hand placement is incredibly important and can really elevate the mood and drive the vibe of the kiss,” Hadley says. “So whether that’s just hands cupping their face if it’s really sweet, or bringing your hands up through their hair and to the back of the neck and then pulling and tugging their hair a little bit. Or maybe you’re dragging your hands a little over their arms, kind of pulling them in tight from their back, or grabbing their a** and having your hands lead up their chest. It can all really enhance the passion of the kiss.”
#7. Have fun with tongue
Kissing isn’t just about locking lips and having a gentle nibble. Whether it’s playing with the tip of the tongue or putting it all in their mouth, if that feels good for both of you, French kissing can take your make out sessions to the next level.
“Being active with it but not too active with it hits a really nice, sweet spot where you’re almost kind of licking or massaging your tongue against theirs, as opposed to just sticking it in and letting it sit there or sharking it all about,” recommends the sex coach.
“And then you can both build up a rhythm where you’re like massaging each other’s tongues or sort of licking each other’s tongues. It sounds so strange, but it’s kind of like that.”
#8. Go slow and build up the passion
“I think it’s nice to start soft and get slowly more passionate as it builds up,” Hadley says. “Like with sex, you don’t tend to just go straight for the goods. You tend to build up to it.”
Which can be amazing when it comes to kissing. “So you start to both get into a rhythm and feel more and more turned on and there’s blood flow going on and your erogenous zones are firing and you start to get handsy and then the kiss can get more and more passionate and then it kind of leads from there,” the sex coach explains.
“Of course, having said that though, if it’s in the moment and it feels really good and there’s some really electric chemistry there, a deep, passionate kiss can be amazing.”
#9. Don’t rush into sex
There’s definitely something to be said for not rushing into putting hands down pants and keeping things above the belt. At least for the moment.
“If kissing is going towards sex or some kind of genital pleasure, then absolutely take your time,” Hadley says. “There’s no rush. You don’t need to get it over and done with.”
Yes, maybe you’re turned on and horny and wet or hard, but you don’t have to act on that immediately. Let those feelings build.
“Don’t forget about the face or the neck, the arms, the lower back, and the whole body before the genitals,” the sexpert says. “We’ve got to take the time to get there, rather than just be like, ‘Oh, we’re making out and suddenly I’m fingering you’. It’s like, woah, chill down, and put some space in between.”
In an exclusive excerpt from the new collection edited by Alice Wong, she explores what she learned along the way
By Lizz Schumer
If you find yourself humming “Let’s Talk About Sex” when you see the cover for Alice Wong’s new collection, well, there’s at least two of us. The much-anticipated new book, Disability Intimacy: Essays on Love, Care, and Desire edited by Alice Wong is out April 30 and features essays, poetry and artwork of various spice levels by members of the disability community. There’s disabled sex, disabled love, disabled sexual exploration and yes, full-on disabled erotica.
All of it seeks to explore the question: What is intimacy? It’s not just sex, but it can include it. It’s not just romantic love, but it can feature it. As the publisher explains, “Explorations of caregiving, community, access and friendship offer us alternative ways of thinking about the connections we form with others.”
Below, Wong lets us in on a little bit of how she began thinking about it in a PEOPLE-exclusive excerpt from the collection, as well as a revelation she’s never made in her own writing before.
Disability Intimacy.
When I started working on this book, I googled “disability intimacy” and the search results were disappointing and pathetic. “Ewwwwww,” I muttered to myself. Under the People Also Ask section, questions such as “Can people with disabilities find love?” are what I considered basic AF. Articles on stereotypes, stigmas, sexuality, asexuality, sexual abuse and sexual dysfunction abounded.
Stories about and by disabled people on “what it’s like” to date, have sex, or be in a relationship abounded. Intimacy is more than sex or romantic love. Intimacy is an ever-expanding universe composed of a myriad of heavenly bodies. Intimacy is about relationships within a person’s self, with others, with communities, with nature and beyond.
Each piece in this anthology is unique, but one theme that runs throughout is tenderness, an expression of all the labor and care the contributors put into their stories. I delicately gathered and edited this book with sensitivity, knowing how many people put their trust in me. Being thoughtful, intentional and generous are acts of intimacy we can give to one another.
I am not an expert on intimacy, nor am I here to define the concept to you. Since tenderness is a major theme in Disability Intimacy, it is only right for me to share a vulnerable part of myself that I have never written about or publicly discussed before.
True story: I have never been in a romantic relationship or gone on a date. Not once, and I am a 50-year-old grown-a– woman! The disclosure comes with a mixture of internalized shame and a wish to keep parts of my life private. However, this book prompted me to reflect on the many intimacies of my life and what I wish for the future. My heart is full of rich and deep relationships. I am loved and I am not loved at the same time.
Not everyone needs romance or sex, but I personally want the entire dim sum cart of intimacy. I want to experience every unctuous, savory, sweet, crispy, chewy, spicy and sour bite, filling my body with warmth and pleasure. My appetite is insatiable; I want the smoldering, undeniable attraction built on mutual respect and admiration like the one between Captain Wentworth and Anne Elliot in Jane Austen’s Persuasion. I want to be seen and to have a lover who will be my sous chef in all things and vice versa.
Our love will be a spark that burns slowly and completely. This person will write me hot, irresistible letters and make me laugh; will pick up ice cream for me; will buy groceries, binge-watch TV and host amazing dinner parties with me. Downright filthy texts and facial expressions will be our sexual banter. We will be our own two-member book club where we talk passionately about books while sipping champagne and eating fancy potato chips. When I meet that person, I will disarm him with my charm, wit, intellect and copious modesty.
Given the events of the past few years, I question whether this will ever happen for me and am reconciled to this reality. I struggle to see myself as desirable and can only imagine how the world perceives me. I’m not waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet, but I am ready in a nanosecond. In the meantime, I will continue to fantasize, lust, all by myself. My dreams, cravings and aspirations will sustain my body and soul for now.
Intimacy comes in many forms, and you are deserving of it, whatever it looks like or means to you. Reading the words on these pages creates a dialogue, an intimate act bringing us together across space and time. May Disability Intimacy set your spirit on fire and send you on a voyage of self-discovery, destination unknown. My journey continues, and I thank you for being a part of it.
I am but one small shiitake mushroom connected to a vast mycelial network with other disabled fungi, loving and caring for one another. We are not alone.
My relationship recently hit a milestone described by Esther Perel as the “fatal erotic blow”—my partner and I transitioned into parenthood. In our experience so far, the famed sex and relationships therapist’s gloomy framing of life after baby has been spot on. Since the birth of our son, sex has completely disappeared from our relationship, with no sign of return. Desperate to maintain that part of myself, and of us, I recently suggested to my partner that we start scheduling sex dates. His response (by text) was: calendar emoji + eggplant emoji + gravestone emoji. In other words, he gave the idea a hard (or rather, soft) pass.
Such resistance to the concept of scheduled sex is not uncommon, Perel herself tells me weeks later when we meet by Zoom to discuss her two new on-topic couples courses, “Playing with Desire” and “Bringing Desire Back.” While nobody thinks scheduling a softball game will detract from the pleasure of playing softball, she says, people feel differently about sex. “Somehow it’s entered into people’s heads that sex should be natural, it should just happen.” she says. “It should just come out of nowhere, envelope me, take me over, and burst out of me.”
My partner, I tell her, definitely struggles with the belief that sex is only good if it’s organic, and she says this mindset is setting us both up for failure. “If you think desire is just this thing that sustains itself on its own—it’s spontaneous, unprompted—you will be disillusioned,” she says. “Good sex over time is premeditated. It’s willful, it’s conscious, it’s intentional.”
Hence, the sex date, the scheduling of which Perel says does not, as my partner fears, imply your relationship is more or less over. On the contrary, she says that when a couple sets aside such time together, it actually demonstrates a promising level of care for the relationship. “The sex date is something that confers importance,” she says. “It says it matters. It says we don’t wait for when we are completely in the mood. It says we meet, and we don’t just meet for the perfunctory meeting. We meet and we can create something special.”
But Perel says turning a to-do, even a sexual one, into anything but a “perfunctory meeting” requires effort and forethought. Sexy sex dates don’t just happen, and her advice for transforming what could be rote into an erotic experience goes far deeper than lingerie and candles.
Step One: Build Anticipation
To begin with, she says, couples must endeavor to create an atmosphere of anticipation around the scheduled rendezvous. Since this isn’t a given—clearly, my partner wouldn’t exactly be drawing hearts around the date on his calendar—it requires what Perel refers to as foreplay, which is much more involved than a few moments of physical warm up prior to intercourse. “Foreplay actually starts at the end of your previous orgasm,” she says.
Here, foreplay means anything that creates “a shift in mindset signaling availability.” It’s flirtation, sexual tension, playfulness—the creation of a vibe between you and your partner. “People think they can scratch the back of the other person and they will be hot and aroused,” says Perel. “But can you do a little more? Can you seduce me? Can you play with me? Can you send me a little note?”
If it’s helpful, she suggests imagining things you might do for a lover rather than a partner. “[With a lover], you’re engaged in a plot. You’re writing a story. It has moods, it has imagery. It has a whole world to it,” she says. And if this is starting to sound like a heavy lift, rest assured that gestures such as a flirty text or small sexy gift can suffice. The key is just to get both parties excited about the scheduled time, so that it feels less like a to-do and more like an I-can’t-wait-to-do-you.
Step Two: Design Rituals
Next, Perel says it’s important to “infuse” the sex date with rituals. Doing so, she explains, helps signal that the event is unique, special, and significant. “Routines create consistency, but the ritual is what gives creativity and intentionality to the routine,” she says.
Your ritual or rituals can be anything, and it doesn’t have to be complicated, just consistent. Maybe you always open your favorite bottle of wine, for example, or put on a specific playlist. “It’s a small thing,” says Perel.
Rituals can also be designed to help you switch from caretaking mode, or career mode, or whatever your daily default mode may be, so that you can tap into your erotic, most alive self. As a new parent, for example, she tells me my ritual could include a shower, a massage, or “anything that brings the woman out from behind the mother.”
Step 3: Ask Yourself Perel’s Favorite Question
To further prepare for your date, it might be helpful to ask yourself one of Perel’s go-to questions for clients, which is “What turns you off?” or “What shuts you down?”
“People will tell you, ‘I turn off when I’m worried, when I’m anxious about money, when I feel like I’m not doing well at work, when I struggle with money, when I feel bloated,’” she says. “It has not much to do with sex, per se. It has to do with life. ‘I’m not alive when…’.” The answers to this question can then help you understand what needs to be left at the door.
On the flip side, asking yourself what turns you on, what helps you feel present and alive, can also help, says Perel. “‘I turn myself on by’ is not the same as ‘what turns me on is’ or ‘you turn me on when’,” she says. Instead, it’s about owning your own desire. “So the question is, ‘How do you make yourself available?’ How do you give yourself permission? How do you make yourself present?”
Without this intel, Perel says, you can tell your partner what works for you, but it probably won’t work. “You won’t respond because you’re not in it. You’re not present,” she says. And while your honest answer may be something along the lines of ‘a first-class ticket somewhere tropical,’ the key is to think of smaller, more achievable turn-ons that will ease you into a more erotic headspace, e.g. a wax, a cocktail, or a compliment from your partner.
Step 4: Understand What Creates Desire
While desire is complex, Perel offers a recipe of sorts, which is “curiosity plus risk.” Curiosity, she says, helps mitigate the less-than-sexy feeling of familiarity. “Curiosity is a key ingredient of eroticism, and that is, ‘Who is this person’ What do they think? How do they experience things? What does coffee taste like to them?’,” she says. Such curiosity often dies as two people enter a place of safety and security together, but she says rediscovering it can help you rediscover passion for your partner. “The need for familiarity is absolutely real, but it cannot be at the expense of no longer having the discovery, the exploration,” she says. “If you don’t have curiosity, you choke the erotic.”
And while you may think you know everything about your partner, Perel says this is an illusion. “We don’t have to create the mystery, the unknown, the discovery,” she says. “It is right in front of us—we just have to engage with it.”
Risk, meanwhile, is a related concept, as it’s also about breaking free of the familiar and stepping outside of your comfort zone as a couple. “If you do the things you enjoy that are familiar to you, then you have good friendship, consistency, reliability. It brings cuddle, not sizzle,” she says. “If you want sizzle, you have to go and create things together, experience new things together, experience yourself differently from how you usually experience yourself in the presence of that person.”
For Perel, risk doesn’t have to take the shape of, say, nonmonogamy. She describes it instead as a combination of novelty and playfulness. “Novelty creates uncertainty, and the creation of uncertainty in the midst of familiarity is unbeatable,” she says. “So what does this mean? It’s not big productions. It’s just doing something you’ve never done together.”
During the month of September, Sexual Health Awareness Month, it may help to notice something: Men and their doctors have significantly more options to help with sexual function than do women and their clinicians. Moreover, the education of physicians regarding the examination and treatment of women for sexual dysfunction has been and remains, even now in 2024, much less thorough than for men.
Not convinced? Let’s take a quick tour.
The New Sexual Revolution and the Growing Anger
Around the time of the release of the book and movie 50 Shades of Grey, Newsweek put the cultural sensation on its cover.
I bought the magazine at the airport and, while waiting for my plane, showed the story to a woman sitting next to me. “What do you think — is this the new ‘sexual revolution’?” I asked her.
She glanced at the cover and answered as accurately as if she had written the article: “In the ’60s, it became okay for women to have sex; now, it’s okay for women to demand good sex.”
I would add to that: Women are demanding good sex, and they want to define for themselves what “good” means.
That social revolution rages, still.
You would think that the demand would bring a corresponding response in clinical medicine. You would be wrong. Although efforts in some sectors are heroic, overall, the results are lagging the forward movement of women wanting better sex.
The Lag in Sexual Education
To examine the progression of the education of physicians regarding the treatment of female sexual dysfunction (FSD), Codispoti and colleagues examined the curricula of seven medical schools in and around Chicago. They found the following: Only one institution identified all anatomic components of the clitoris — one! Four of the seven discussed the physiology of the female orgasm. Only three of the seven highlighted the prevalence and epidemiology of FSD or the treatments for FSD. Only one of the seven explained how to do a genitourinary physical exam specific to assessing FSD.
When assessing obstetrics and gynecology clinical materials, sexual pleasure, arousal, and libido were not included anywhere in the curricula.
I have been teaching physicians about the therapies I developed (over 5000 clinicians in 50-plus countries over the past 14 years). During those sessions, I often stop the class and ask, “Who in here was taught how to retract the foreskin and examine the penis for phimosis?”
All hands will go up.
Then I will ask, “Who in here was taught in medical school how to retract the clitoral hood and examine the clitoris for phimosis?”
Not once has anyone raised a hand.
The Sex Remedies Gap
When I first published research offering support for using platelet-rich plasma to improve sexual function in women, women had not one drug approved by the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the treatment of sexual dysfunction — none. Men had over 20. Today, men have a growing number of FDA-approved drugs for erectile dysfunction, including the “fils“; women have three.
Women have access to only one FDA-approved medication that primarily affects the genitalia: prasterone. This drug is indicated only for the treatment of pain in postmenopausal women. It does not directly enhance desire or improve orgasms. Said another way, although the incidence of sexual dysfunction is higher in premenopausal women than in other groups, they do not have a single approved medication designed to improve the function of their genitalia.
The other two of the three available drugs — flibanserin and bremelanotide — primarily affect the brain and could accurately be called psychoactive agents. They are available only for premenopausal women to improve desire. Flibanserin resulted in one extra sexual encounter per month on average, and patients are advised to avoid alcohol while using the drug. The other can make you vomit.
I do think all three of these treatments can be of great help to some women. I am not advising their disappearance. But in contrast to what is available to men, they are woefully inadequate.
Historical Perspective
In 1980, the medical establishment believed “most instances of acquired impotence are psychogenic.” Then, with the accidental discovery of the benefits of phosphodiesterase type 5 inhibitors , we realized that most cases of male sexual dysfunction involve the vasculature of the genitalia, not the neuroses of the brain. Yet, our two FDA-approved drugs for women with sexual dysfunction are designed to affect the brain. Women have nothing but off-label therapies to improve the function of the genitalia.
Despite the fact research supports the use of testosterone in women for both libido and orgasm, and despite the fact millions of women are treated with testosterone off-label for the benefit of sexual function, the only widely used FDA-approved class of drugs for women that affects testosterone — birth control pills, by blocking pituitary hormone production (the way they prevent pregnancy) — lowers the production of testosterone.
One might wonder, considering our expanded understanding of the endocrinology of both men and women, at the irony of why it is acceptable to lower the testosterone level of an adolescent girl knowingly, as if her development did not require the hormone (such would never be acceptable in an adolescent male unless sexual transitioning were the goal); yet, we are fearful of giving testosterone to grown women who can no longer make it.
Premenopausal Women: An Orphan Population
The concept of “orphan populations” can partially explain the gap in available therapies between men and women.
The regrettable situation does not reflect evil intent on the part of regulators, educators, or physicians. But the gap between what women want and what medical education and the pharmaceutical-regulatory complex are providing is intolerably wide.
First, I would recommend a standard, required curriculum for the study of female sexual anatomy and function be established and widely adopted by medical schools. The reproductive system contains different components and a different purpose from the orgasm system, with modest overlap. Both systems should be taught in every medical school.
Second, physicians should be required to undergo a course in understanding their own sexuality. Research demonstrates doctors will avoid conversations about sex, and it seems to me this could be secondary to being uncomfortable with their own sexuality. After all, to talk with a patient about sex, you cannot be fearful of where the conversation may lead.
Third, the FDA might reconsider the requirements for the approval of drugs for FSD. Currently, to approve a drug for men, an objective finding — ie, an erection — can be sufficient. However, a higher bar, “satisfaction,” which is subjective, must be obtained with women.
Finally, by the definition of FSD, a woman must be psychologically distressed. The idea of sex is not pleasure alone. Sexual function affects family relationships, emotional health, confidence, even sleep, as well as the emotional well-being of the children who live in the house. Saying women are wonderfully and mysteriously made may be poetic, but it is not an excuse for not learning more and closing the gaps.
“Men, what’s one thing you wish women understood better about male sexuality?”
1.”Lack of erection does not equal lack of interest.”
2.”I want to be seduced. Don’t take for granted that I’m always 100% ready to go at the drop of a hat. Sometimes, I wanna be the pillow princess.”
“I’ve told women this, and it blows their mind. So many beautiful women have never once thought about how to seduce a man past dressing cute. They’re like, ‘Well, I’m here!’”
3.”We like our partners to communicate what they like and don’t. Communication is sexy.”
4.”Don’t use sex as a reward system. I want you to want it because you like it, not as a treat or chore or whatever.”
“Yes! I’ve told my wife more than once that ‘transactional’ sex or offers of sex are a complete turnoff.
Flirting with me while I’m doing something and saying I should come find you once I’m done? That shit is amazing. Telling me if I do task ‘X’, then we might have sex later makes me feel like you really have no interest in affection.”
5.”If I’m not constantly messaging you, it’s not because I don’t care, it’s that I feel secure about us and want to save any news for some quality time in person — not a constant, distracting stream of largely meaningless messages.”
6.”As someone with severe performance anxiety, if I haven’t had sex in a while, it can be very hard to get it up. It’s not that I’m not turned on, and it’s not that you’re anything less than gorgeous; it’s just that my anxiety is preventing me from getting an erection at this moment, and the more I think about it, the worse it’ll get. Just let me go down on you for a while, and we’ll see if it happens. Lol.”
7.”Not all men are like a light switch and are ready to get right to the action immediately. Intimacy and foreplay are a core part of the experience.”
8.”I just wanna be a little spoon once in a while. That shit feels nice.”
“My partner and I usually cuddle for a bit, then turn over and sleep back to back when we’re ready for actual sleep. Sometimes I wake up, and she’s on me like a jetpack, and it just feels so good in my heart.”
9.”There’s a huge difference between orgasm as a physical release (i.e., one-night stand, masturbating) and an orgasm with someone you are emotionally close to. I can jerk off a bunch of times in between having sex, but I need to have sex with my partner in order to be emotionally and mentally fulfilled.”
10.”We can have body image problems. You grew up looking at models who starved themselves to look that way. We grew up looking at action heroes with 0% bodyfat, steroid inflated muscles, who are so dehydrated they can smell water. The body standards for us were just as unrealistic and unhealthy, and it’s nice to hear that we don’t have to be that to be attractive.”
11.”Do not be a people-pleaser in the bedroom. I’d be so hurt to find out I don’t actually know what you like. I am trusting when you give me a ‘hell yes, I love that,’ you’re being honest. It can result in this really frustrating, shameful outcome of knowing you can’t satisfy her but also don’t even know what you’re doing wrong. I can handle reality if I’m not making you cum. I want to improve, so even if you want to tap out or I’m too tired, I want to continue improving. I want to make you feel good, too.”
12.”Blue balls is not a serious condition. Don’t let anyone pressure you into sex, especially with that as an excuse.”
“Or to continue sex, you no longer consent to. There’s no rule that says you have to finish what you start. Consent is revocable by either party at any time.”
13.And finally, “I just want back scratches. You’re only allowed to stay near me because of your nails. I’ll pay for it. But you need to pay the toll. A little to the left. Down. Down. Left. Riiiiiiight theeeeere.”
Sometimes asking questions about sex can be embarrassing—even for adults. Here are questions ranging from alcohol and sex to ejaculation disorders. Sometimes asking questions about sex can be embarrassing—even for adults. Here are ten common questions men ask their Men’s Health providers at University of Utah Health ranging from alcohol and sex to ejaculation disorders.
1. Do Different Sex Positions Increase or Decrease Chances of Pregnancy?
No. Regardless of what sexual position you use, vaginal sex can cause pregnancy.
2. Can I Drink Alcohol With Viagra and Cialis?
Yes, there will not be a bad interaction between the two. Keep in mind that when you drink alcohol, your erection may not be as firm and the medication may not work as well.
3. Is There a Surgery That Can Increase the Size of My Penis?
Even an implanted penile prosthetic will not increase the size of your penis. If you are overweight, getting to your ideal body weight will help restore some of the length you have lost since gaining weight.
Many men will ask about injections to add girth and if there is a procedure to increase penis length. The AUA (American Urological Association) considers fat injections (to increase penile girth) and suspensory ligament division surgery (to increase length) to be unsafe and ineffective.
4. Is My Penis Average in Size Compared to Other Men?
This is a question that is hard to answer, and one that many men wonder about. There are many different techniques to measure penis length, including the amount of force the clinician uses to stretch the penis.
Also, some men will see a significant change in penis length once it is erect. Others will notice that their penis only becomes more rigid. There is not a number that men should set as their benchmark.
Some medical conditions and surgical procedures can reduce the length of your penis. We cannot always restore the length you lose.
The biggest take-home for patients regarding this is to keep a healthy weight. Get care if you feel like your erections are not rigid enough or if you have other concerns about your penis.
5. How Long Should My Erection Last During Sex?
The answer to this question is completely different per person. There is not a standard time that all men should be able to maintain an erection.
For most men, the goal is to get an erection that is rigid enough for penetrative sex and that lasts until both partners are satisfied. We counsel patients that if an erection has lasted over three to four hours and is painful, they should get care with the nearest emergency room. This condition is called priapism.
6. What Is Considered Premature Ejaculation?
There is not a standard amount of time that an erection should last before ejaculating. The AUA defines premature ejaculation as “ejaculation that occurs sooner than desired, either before or shortly after penetration, causing distress to either one or both partners.”
There is not a lab test that can determine this. This diagnosis is made based on a patient’s report and a physician assessment. Treatment options are available. Your provider can help you decide which is best for you.
7. You Don’t Ejaculate After an Orgasm—What Causes This?
Various surgeries or medications can cause a man not to ejaculate after an orgasm. This is called anejaculation. The semen can also go backwards into the bladder, which is called retrograde ejaculation. Common causes of anejaculation can be associated with:
Prostatectomy or other prostate procedures such as transurethral resection of the prostate (TURP)
Taking Flomax (Tamsulosin)
Diabetes
Nerve injuries
8. Are Orgasms and Ejaculation Different?
Yes. Typically, an orgasm is the pleasure you experience while ejaculating. Men can have an orgasm without ejaculation. Men can also ejaculate before orgasm. Additionally, it’s possible to have an orgasm and ejaculation without an erection that is satisfying for sex. These conditions can have various causes, some that can be identified and treated, and others that can’t.
9. How Much Ejaculate Should I Have?
Ideally, men should have at least 1.5mL of ejaculate. This is equal to 0.304 US teaspoons, so it is not a large volume. As men age, the amount of ejaculate begins to decrease. If you notice a big difference suddenly, you’ll want to contact your provider.
It’s OK to have more, but if you are noticing significantly less over time, especially during the time you are trying to get pregnant, you should see a urologist.
10. Is a Curved Penis Normal?
Some men have a slightly curved penis that has been present for quite some time. If it is not painful and does not bother you, that is normal. If it’s painful or bothers you, then make an appointment with a men’s health doctor. Your doctor will evaluate your condition and discuss your treatment options.
If you notice a new curve to your penis and that bothers you with either pain or appearance, be seen by a doctor. This curve can impact your erections, which is another element that can be evaluated and treated.
What can turn you on with just a thought? Is there a specific genre of erotica you always gravitate towards? What pops into your head when you’re in the mood?
Gillian Anderson’s new book, Want, reveals the deepest desires held by women around the world, categorising the 174 anonymous personal essays into chapters like ‘To Be Worshipped’ and ‘The Watchers and the Watched’.
The stories included in the collection range from daydreams of lesbian exploration and office romances to altogether more niche imaginings such as having a three-way with the Weasley twins from Harry Potter – but there are common threads that run throughout.
‘What is very revealing are the areas that we are the same,’ the Sex Education star said in a recent interview. ‘No matter the fantasy, the takeaway is the need for intimacy, the need to be desired, to be seen, a desire to be held, to be comforted, to be safe.’
It seems fantasies are at the forefront of many of our minds right now too, as this work coincides with a recent report from The Kinsey Institute looking into the bedroom habits of people around the world.
Alongside dating app Feeld, the survey of over 3,000 people uncovered more about how different generations view monogamy, how often people have sex, and how common kinks are among different age groups. And there’s even more that can be gleaned from speaking to Kinsey’s sexuality experts.
Dr Justin Lehmiller is a research fellow at the renowned institute, and has studied sexual fantasies for more than a decade, speaking to more than 10,000 people throughout his career to work out what gets humanity going.
‘One of the things I’ve discovered are that there are at least three key things that almost everyone fantasises about at one time or another,’ he tells Metro.co.uk.
He says: ‘Also, which is kind of surprising to a lot of people, these fantasies are actually least common among young adults and most common among people in their 40s and 50s.’
Part of the allure of multi-partner sex is ‘wanting to feel overwhelming desired’, as evidenced by the fact that ‘most people picture themselves as being the centre of attention in their group sex fantasies.’
‘Another reason people find this idea attractive is that it just opens up a lot of new possibilities for sexual exploration, such as trying new positions and activities or exploring same-sex/gender attractions,’ Justin adds.
Kink and BDSM
Nowadays, BDSM is no longer the preserve of dominatrixes (and their clients). If anything, the likes of 50 Shades of Grey have contributed to submission and domination becoming downright mainstream in 2024.
Justin explains: ‘In my research, I find that 96% of women and 93% of men have had a kinky fantasy before – but it’s important to note that women fantasise about BDSM far more often than men.
In the Feeld State of Dating Report, the majority of Gen Z reported these types of desires, a figure that declines with each age group (only 12% of baby boomers said the same).
‘Part of the reason that Gen Z might be kinkier is that they have greater access to porn than any previous generation, and much of the porn that’s out there features elements of kink,’ says Justin.
‘But it’s not just about porn. Gen Z is also the most stressed and anxious generation, and kink/BDSM can be an adaptive way of coping with anxiety because it helps to take you out of your head and into the moment.’
Adventurous sex
Adventurous sex – having sex in new and exciting places, such as on a beach or in some other exotic location – features in the fantasies of 97% of people.
Justin comments: ‘Like multi-partner sex, novelty fantasies are also most popular among mid-life adults. This may be because most people at this age are in long-term monogamous relationships and are looking for ways to spice things up.’
He surmises that the younger generation are less likely to fantasise about novelty, in part, because sex itself is still fairly new for them.
‘They don’t necessarily need as many bells and whistles to keep things exciting because they’re less likely to have settled into sexual ruts and routines,’ adds Justin.
Fantasies that are more common than you might think
As well as the desires the vast majority of people share, certain sexual fantasies which may be considered ‘taboo’ are surprisingly popular.
Public sex
Practises like dogging may not be societally prevalent, but doing it in view of others is a major theme when it comes to our innermost desires, with 81% of men and 84% of women having fantasised about it.
Justin says: ‘The appeal of these fantasies often resides in the thrill that accompanies potentially being caught or observed – in other words, the taboo and risk-taking aspect of public sex heightens excitement for many.
‘However, for some, it’s also about having an exhibitionistic streak and deriving gratification from knowing that others are watching you have sex, and enjoying it.’
Many of these fantasies are just that, and won’t end up being enacted in real life. That said, if you do decide to give this a go, please keep decency laws (and general etiquette) in mind.
Cuckolding
The idea of watching a partner have sex with someone else, known as cuckolding, is doubly popular with men than women; 52% and 26% have had this fantasy, respectively.
‘The numbers are even higher among gay, lesbian, and bisexual adults, perhaps because they do not feel as bound to notions of traditional relationships,’ Justin adds.
There’s been an increase in online searches for cuckolding in recent years, suggesting it’s becoming more widespread.
This could be connected to the rise in kink, as some people find it connotes a submissive or masochistic sexual role, but Justin says that for others, it’s merely a fantasy of ‘taking pleasure in your partner’s pleasure and seeing your partner being fully satisfied.’
— Coming out as queer later in life isn’t just normal—it’s a revolutionary act of self-discovery in a world that tries to keep women’s desires hidden.
By Melissa Fabello
I spend a lot of time online, especially in spaces where identity politics take center stage. And a trend I’ve seen gaining momentum since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic is the complexity of coming out as queer “later in life.” Type “late in life lesbians” into the search bar on TikTok, and you’ll see what I mean.
As someone who’s known she was queer since childhood and has identified as such since middle school (#earlyinlife?), it brings me an enormous amount of joy to see so many women connecting with their authentic sense of desire—and making content about it! And while I’m grateful for some of the experiences I had in queer adolescence and early adulthood (and traumatized by others), I also reject the idea that there are better or worse times in the life span to come out.
Especially for bisexual women, who face an enormous amount of stigma both within and outside of the queer community, the message that coming out after your twenties is an anomaly can add more pressure to an already difficult self-development process. After all, bisexual people are already at an increased risk of negative mental health outcomes due to what’s called “minority stress” (that is, the experience of being marginalized), compared to both straight and other queer people.
As bisexual women struggle both with cisheteronormativity (the cultural pressure to be cisgender and straight) and the norming of monosexuality (attraction to one gender) in our society, they already can doubt the validity of their orientation. Add to this a complex and nuanced relationship with compulsory heterosexuality (the patriarchal lie that marginalized genders must depend on cis men for access to power and resources), and we have a self-concept disaster waiting to happen.
According to a 2013 survey conducted by Pew Research Center, while the majority of LGBT adults (59%) report knowing they were queer in puberty and adolescence, a full 28% say they didn’t know until their twenties or later. And this latter experience is most highly reported by bisexuals (15%, as compared to 14% of lesbians and 3% of gay men).
But why? Why are women – and especially bisexual women – more likely to come out “later in life?” Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but the answer is cisheteropatriarchy (the combined influence of oppression against trans people, queer people, and gender minorities).
Women’s sexual development is different
Historically, when it comes to research, scientists have looked at how cis men operate – and then compare everyone else to that supposed baseline. Just look at how it took until recently for medicine to catch up with the fact that women experience heart attack symptoms differently! Unfortunately, but perhaps unsurprisingly, gendered sexuality research is no different.
Sexual development is just one area in which we’ve made the mistake of seeing cis men as the norm.
On average, cisgender men tend to experience their sexual peak in adolescence and early adulthood – that is, through their twenties. This is when they are the most desirous of sex and confident about their sexuality. After this, sperm count tends to lower, issues like erectile dysfunction start to arise, and sexual insecurity can creep in.
Cisgender women, on the other hand, generally report an increase in sexual self-knowledge, confidence, and desire as they age into mid-life. While physiological issues with sexuality also come up for women as they get older (they literally refer to pregnancy after 35 as “geriatric,” y’all), women’s psychological experience with sexuality only improves.
One study found that by their thirties, women feel like they have the experience to be sexually confident, especially as they shed insecurities about their bodies. When are women most sexually insecure? At 25.
As women age, we tend to shed the patriarchal socialization that has plagued us our entire lives. We become more comfortable in our bodies, more knowledgeable and vocal about what brings us sexual pleasure, and more curious about our erotic authenticity: “What do we want?” becomes an important mental refrain.
That this is the point in sexual development that many women come into their queerness – a desire pushed down by cisheteropatriarchal socialization – is no surprise. At the exact moment that women, regardless of orientation, are coming into their own sexually, queer identity questions can also pop up.
Queer identity development is its own thing
For my Masters degree in Human Sexuality Education, I had to take a course dedicated to psychological and sociological development across the lifespan. How this class was (brilliantly) taught is that week to week, we would add a theory to a physical representation of the lifespan set up in our classroom. “Oh, Erikson says that from 12-18, people struggle with themes of identity and confusion? Add that to the ‘adolescence’ column!”
There are countless theories on how our minds develop over time. And the question of queer identity has its own subset of developmental theories (here are just a few). For instance, D’Augelli that queer people go through several processes in order to come into their own; the first three are shedding straight identity, developing personal queer identity, and exploring their identity in social contexts.
Guess what—straight people don’t have to do!
Similar to how we can’t look at cisgender men and assume other genders have the same experiences, we can’t assume that queer people come into their sexual identity at the same time as straight people.
Straight people have very few obstacles to developing sexual identity. This is a simple fact of straight privilege. When institutions, media, and our families of origin normalize and celebrate heterosexuality, it’s relatively easy for straight people to see themselves represented and understand something intrinsic about themselves, even if it takes time to learn the language for it.
Queer identity development takes a different route – especially because so many queer people assume that they must, too, be cis and straight within the context of cisheteronormativity. Many queer and trans people, myself included, start off believing they must fit into the world around them, until they sense the nagging thought that there has to be another way.
When we notice our difference happens at different times for different people, depending on several factors: Were you able to talk to adults you trusted about your experience? Did you grow up in a more liberal or conservative environment? What role did religion play in your upbringing? And this is just the beginning of queer identity development! According to a 1979 framework developed by researcher Vivienne Cass, once a queer person notices their difference, there are still six more stages until they’re able to synthesize this into the totality of their lives.
For all of us, queerness takes time to know and accept.
Compulsory heterosexuality sucks
Let’s talk about how society pushes women into relationships with men, even when that might not be what they truly want. This idea, called compulsory heterosexuality, is about more than just assuming everyone’s straight – it’s about how our culture steers women away from relying on each other and into marriages with men.
Often misunderstood to be the same as cisheteronormativity – or, according to some misinformed folks on TikTok, something only lesbians experience – compulsory heterosexuality is a complex web of ideas. But writer Adrienne Rich popularized the term in 1980 arguing that the feminist movement needs to better understand lesbianism – not just as a sexual orientation, but as a way of life – in order to better undermine patriarchy.
In our culture, women tend to take care of one another. In fact, research shows that women are far more likely to go to their female friends for emotional support than they are to their male partners. Think back to some of the most transformative relationships you’ve had in your life, and I’m willing to bet that female best friends come up over and over again. And yet, we are actively taught through our socialization that the key to a happy, healthy life is marriage to a cis man (citation: every fairy tale ever).
So what does this mean for how we see women as potential partners – in love or in life? Rich says that society squashes women’s desire for each other, whether that’s for friendship, love, or sex. And it affects all women, not just lesbians.
For bisexual women, it gets even trickier. Particularly for those who find themselves “later in life” already committed to long-term, monogamous relationships with men, finally coming to terms with the depth of their queerness: “Well, now what?”
On the one hand, you might want to explore your queer side, but since you are attracted to men and you’re with one, it can feel easier to just ignore that part of yourself. Not because society tells you to, but because facing it feels too hard.
And it’s this pressure to bottle up and push down your queer desires can push you further and further from accepting your bisexuality, sometimes for years.
***
Combined, bisexual women’s access to their own authentic sense of desire (what feminist academics call “the erotic”) can be stunted – by no fault of their own! Bisexual women experience a deeply complex, and oftentimes painful, relationship to their queerness within cisheteropatriarchy.
So when they come out “later in life,” their newfound liberation should be celebrated, not stigmatized.
As we celebrate Bisexuality Visibility Week, let’s move beyond merely acknowledging that bisexual women are valid – but that their journey to their identity, in whatever form it takes, is valid too.
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