Tag: Relationship Advice

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What People Get Wrong About Sexless Relationships

— From A Sex Therapist

By Kelly Gonsalves

There are many reasons sex gets so much attention when it comes to discussing a healthy relationship: It’s a uniquely connective experience where couples get to completely shed their walls, get playful with each other, and indulge in giving and receiving physical pleasure, all in a way that is (for monogamous folks) not shared with any other person.

That said, while sexual intimacy can certainly bring couples closer together, one of the biggest misconceptions—according to one licensed sex therapist we spoke with—is that healthy relationships require an active sex life.
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In fact, while sex does offer many benefits, both for an individual’s well-being and for a relationship, that doesn’t mean relationships always suffer without it, or that a lack of sex is always a sign of trouble in the relationship. “Lots of relationships have extended periods without sex, circumstantially or intentionally, and are still fulfilling and sources of love and connection,” she says. “This can ebb and flow or be a sustained context of the relationship.”

Here are some examples of situations where couples might have little to no sex without it being a relationship crisis, according to Franc

  • When partners are long-distance or have opposing schedules
  • When a partner is ill or unwell and therefore unable to have sex comfortably and safely
  • When partners are tired or burned out
  • When partners may abstain from sex for religious or spiritual reasons
  • When one or both partners lose interest in it

As long as both partners are on the same page about it and are continuing to find other ways to enjoy intimacy together, Francis says it’s not inherently a problem if a couple puts sex on the back burner.

Sexless relationships can be healthy and fulfilling

There’s a common assumption that sexless relationships are inherently unfulfilling, or at least less fulfilling than sexual ones. But that’s actually a big myth, according to Francis.

“Not everyone wants to have sex, and not all people consider sex to be an integral part of their partnerships,” she points out.

Of course, many people do have an innate desire for sex and see it as vital to their relationships, but it’s important to recognize that that’s not true for everyone.

For example, ever heard someone say they could go the rest of their lives without ever having sex again? (Or maybe that’s you?) Some people really do experience little to no desire for sex—also known as asexuality. “Asexuality exists as an umbrella and is an example of a group of people who may intentionally create relationships that have low or no partnered sex experiences,” says Francis.

While much research has demonstrated a connection between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction1, it’s important to remember “sexual satisfaction” can mean vastly different things to different people and different couples.

A couple might have one single, fabulous sexual encounter a year and not really feel a desire to do it any more frequently; that’s sexual satisfaction for them. Another couple might have sex every week, but one person wants it more often and the other finds the sex to be a chore. That’s probably a pretty unsatisfying sex life, despite the fact that they’re having frequent sex.

Likewise, for some couples, having little to no sex might actually be a pretty satisfying situation. As Francis puts it, “If both partners are in agreement to not have sex, then not having sex is not a problem and can bring people closer as they create the kind of relationship that honors their desires.”

And for the record, one 2017 study2

found sexlessness in the past year had virtually no impact on an individual’s self-reported happiness—even among married people. People who had no sex in the past year reported being about as happy as those who had been sexually active. This isn’t to say that sex isn’t important to some people (it definitely is!), but it may not be as universally necessary to everyone, as we’re so often told.

The problem with compulsory sexuality

Constant emphasis on how much sex couples are having and how to increase sexual frequency can contribute to what some experts refer to as compulsory sexuality.

Compulsory sexuality is that prevalent idea that all humans need sex and should be aspiring toward having an active sex life. In addition to invalidating the experiences of asexual people, compulsory sexuality can make everyone feel like there’s something wrong with them or their relationship if they’re not having a ton of sex.

“Societal pressure to have sex or have a certain amount of sex is harmful to everyone,” Francis points out. “It is disembodying and coercive to feel forced to have sex, and people feel the impact of that even when the pressure is coming from a cultural script.”

Some research backs this up, too: A 2015 study3

found that when couples felt pressured to have more sex, the increased sexual frequency that resulted actually decreased their overall happiness in the relationship—and resulted in them feeling even less motivated to have sex.

That means that, if you’re pushing yourself to have more sex when you don’t actually authentically want that, it might just harm your relationship even further.

On the other hand, as Francis points out, feeling like your experience of desire is being honored and accepted exactly the way it is can actually help couples feel closer to each other as they co-create a mutually satisfying relationship.

Put simply, “If folks do not want to have more sex than they are having, that is to be celebrated,” she says.

The takeaway

Here’s the long and short of it: If you’re having less sex than you (or your partner) would like, and it’s causing tension in the relationship, then the relationship will of course benefit from more intentionality and investment in this part of your lives.

But if you and your partner aren’t having sex, and neither of you has a problem with that, then there’s nothing to worry about. All those external voices around you telling you there’s something wrong if a couple doesn’t have an active sex life? Ignore them.

Sex isn’t mandatory for a healthy relationship. It’s up to you and your partner to decide what role it does—or doesn’t—play in your lives.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is It Possible To Masturbate Too Much?

— We Asked A Sex Therapist

By Kelly Gonsalves

Remember that time on Sex and the City when Charlotte received a rabbit vibrator and fell so in love with it that her friends needed to stage an intervention?

It was a fun and goofy storyline, but it does operate under the assumption that it’s possible to masturbate “too much.” So…is it?

Listen. Sometimes you get your hands on a sex toy that just blows your mind, and you need to spend basically every night with it for a few weeks.

Or you’re just having a bit of a hard month, and you just really need to blow off steam in the evenings with a little help from your vibrator. And sometimes there is no reason—you’re just horny, or in the mood, or feeling it, so you go for it. Often.

No one’s judging! But in case you’ve ever wondered if you’re overdoing it, we reached out to sex and relationship therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, to get the lowdown on your downtown time.

Can you masturbate too much?

“Self-pleasure is a very low-risk sexual activity,” Francis says.

That said, it’s possible to do anything in excess, including masturbation. Just like you can exercise too much or wash your hands too much—even though those are generally great habits—you can also masturbate too much.

“If your masturbation habits are causing you mental, emotional, relational, or physical distress, that is an indicator that you may be masturbating more than is currently healthy for you,” she explains.

She emphasizes that pleasure is healthy, and most people don’t have to worry about overdoing it.

In fact, the guilt around masturbation is much more likely to negatively affect someone’s well-being than the actual masturbating. “Sexual health includes your awareness of your sexual needs and feeling empowered to act on them safely,” she explains.

But, as Francis points out, if you’re masturbating with a frequency that’s causing physical harm (that is, you’re noticing soreness or bruising) or negative impact on other parts of your life (like feeling consistently distracted by thoughts of masturbating at work such that you can’t accomplish anything), that’s a sign that it’s time to take a pause, evaluate the role masturbation is playing in your life, and potentially make some changes.

It’s also possible for your body to get used to a certain type of stimulation, Francis notes—for example, the feeling of a vibrator on your clitoris or the rhythm of your own hand on your shaft. ”

They may notice difficulty maintaining their [erection] or reaching orgasm in partnered sex if it doesn’t mirror what they do when they’re alone,” she says, but adds that this issue is easily solved by making sure to mix things up while masturbating or bringing some of your solo activities into partnered sex.

(Don’t underestimate the thrill of mutual masturbation, people!) If you want, it may also help to pause on masturbation for a bit before a partnered sexual experience.

Signs you’re masturbating too much

How much masturbation is too much will depend on the individual, Francis says. A routine that feels great for one person might feel like way too much for another person.

Rather than focusing on frequency, focus on how the behavior makes you feel and how it is (or isn’t) affecting your life.

Here are some signs Francis looks for to know if a person’s current masturbation practice might not be healthy for them:

  • It feels like a need instead of a choice.
  • It no longer feels pleasurable.
  • You’re experiencing pain, numbness, or loss of pleasing sensation.
  • There is a significant decline in your availability for sexual presence with partners.
  • You are struggling to keep up with your responsibilities because of how often you masturbate.
  • You’re feeling mental, emotional, or relational distress around masturbating.

“The general rule of thumb is that if something is causing unintended pain, you should take that as an indicator that something is wrong,” she says.

If any of the above feel like they may apply to you or if you simply find yourself continuing to worry about your behavior, consider reaching out to a sex therapist or another qualified sexual health professional who can help you take a closer look at what’s going on.

The takeaway

There’s nothing wrong with masturbating a lot. Most people masturbate because it brings them a little pleasure, relaxation, or relief at the end of a long day or because they just want to have fun connecting with their body.

Now, if you find your masturbation feels less relaxing and more stress-inducing, or if it feels “out of control” in any way, it’s worth checking in with a professional to make sure everything’s OK.

But if you generally feel anywhere from amazing to neutral before and after masturbating and aren’t noticing any negative effects on other parts of your life, you probably don’t need to worry. Regular masturbation is a common and generally healthy pastime, so if it’s feeling good, have at it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What a sex therapist wishes all couples knew

— Desire doesn’t have to dwindle in long-term relationships, says Dr Stephen Snyder. Here’s the advice he gives married couples in his clinic

By Anna Maxted

How do you keep the passion alive when you’ve been with your partner for decades? Dr Stephen Snyder, the therapist and author whose book Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship is a bestseller, has the answers. Having worked with hundreds of married couples over 30 years, he explains why desire often dwindles over the years — and how to rekindle it.

Don’t expect sex to knock your socks off every single time

If you ask people to recall the greatest sex of their life, most will admit that it wasn’t in the context of a committed relationship. More often they’ll recall something novel, unexpected, or possibly even forbidden. There is something uniquely thrilling about the first time you get naked with someone.

If you seek that kind of thrill within a committed relationship, as many do, you’re likely to be disappointed and frustrated. I tell couples in my clinic, don’t compare apples and oranges. Better if you can learn to listen carefully to your own arousal, and to the particular feeling your partner arouses in you. I don’t think of it as a “spark” — that word is too dramatic. Pay attention to that vibration, and be open to hearing it. You never know where sexual inspiration will come from. Don’t try to control it.

Don’t schedule a time for sex

Many sex therapists advise couples to just “put sex in the diary”. I think that’s a recipe for bad sex. It’s like making a dinner reservation, but when you get to the restaurant you’re not hungry. Instead, I recommend couples schedule a time to go to bed together to do nothing at all. Allow yourself to shift from your ordinary state of mind. You don’t always have to be “doing”. Take a breath and feel the air. If you’re feeling something, maybe express it to your partner. Or turn to them and say: “Hey, talk to me, what’s going on with you?” But keep it simple. Focus on the here and now.

In sex therapy, we call this the 2-Step, where Step 1 is cultivating awareness by going to bed with no agenda except to do absolutely nothing. That gets you ready for Step 2, where you let yourself become physically aware of your partner and notice any erotic feelings that might arise. Stay in the moment, if you can. Don’t try to arouse your partner. Just experience them — their voice, the scent of their hair, the way they feel in your arms and on your lips. You don’t need to feel desire to 2-Step, just a willingness to go wherever it might take you.

If you want lust to last, appearance matters

In my practice, what I hear most often from women is that they like their man to be diligent about grooming. He doesn’t have to be impeccably turned out just to watch TV on a Tuesday, but there’s no reason a man can’t be careful about how he presents himself, even if it’s just getting a nice haircut and trimming ear hair, nose hair, and eyebrows if they’re unruly, and maybe investing in a nice new set of boxers. And what about weight gain? It’s a sensitive subject, but it can matter. How lucky that near vision deteriorates in midlife. Every couple over 40 should have a dimmer switch in the bedroom, since none of us looks quite as good as when we were teenagers.

Truth is, most women in my practice say they’re turned off if a man has a pot belly, which is where most men tend to put on weight. But I haven’t seen much success with women telling their husbands to do sit-ups and watch their diet. That doesn’t seem to work any better with a man than it does with a woman, and it certainly won’t put your partner in the mood for sex. Instead, I recommend for a woman to lie him on his back, where his belly won’t look so prominent. Get on top, and focus on the parts of him that you do like.

Women like to feel passionately desired

Desiring a woman is more than just wanting to have sex with her. Most women crave a kind of erotic attention that has nothing to do with penetration or orgasm. It’s more likely to be from a shared look across a room, or in the moments before a first kiss. At its most intense, it’s feeling irresistible. That’s what makes erotic novels compelling for many women: the hero finds the heroine irresistible. He can’t stop thinking about her. So many women in my practice tell me they need to feel strongly desired. But that’s a tall order when you’ve been together for a long time, you’re busy with work and kids, and you both probably value a good night’s sleep more highly than sex.

I advise husbands, whenever you feel sexually attracted to your wife, don’t waste the moment. Act on it. Let’s say she’s in the kitchen wearing something nice, or changing, or just out of the shower. If you feel drawn to her in that moment, walk over, take her in your arms and hold her like you mean it — which of course you do. Kiss her passionately, inhale the scent of her hair, and say: “Did I ever tell you how attracted I am to you?” Most women in relationships say they need that show of desire more than they need sex.

Accept your partner for who they are

A wise old sex therapist colleague once asked me: “Why do women get bored with their husbands but not with their dogs?” I suspect it’s because most women accept that their dog is just a dog, but many have trouble accepting their husband for who he is. Some women tend to think of their male partner as a project, or a work in progress, and they forget to be thankful for what they’ve got. Most men are like cactus flowers — they don’t need much watering to bloom. Sometimes it’s best to leave your list of projects to the side and find something about your husband to enjoy or appreciate.

Be connoisseurs of your arousal

The happiest lovers savour arousal wherever they find it, whether it’s with a partner, alone, or through fantasy. They pay attention to what their arousal feels like. And happily, since taboos around female pleasure and sexuality have fallen away — and sex toys have improved — fewer women worry about having an orgasm through penetrative sex, making it easier to relax and enjoy the moment.

Cultivating arousal can be like learning to enjoy good wine. You begin to notice its components, like how arousal grabs your attention and makes you forget about non-essential things; how it makes you regress to a more spontaneous version of yourself; and how it touches your core sense of being. Many people spend lots of energy trying to produce strong arousal, as if that’s something you can control. Established couples who have good sex understand that there’s a passive element to it, as if you are riding a wave.

Remember to enjoy each other

In my practice I often ask women what they crave most in lovemaking. For some it’s a feeling of “surrender” with a partner who knows how to take charge. They appreciate a certain kind of male energy — confident, decisive and fully engaged. Many relationships start out with plenty of it, but as time passes the man runs out of steam and becomes inert and lacking in initiative. When couples like this are in treatment, the male partner will sometimes tell me he feels nothing he does makes her happy, so he withdraws to protect himself — which definitely makes her unhappy. And so her unhappiness and his lack of confidence just keep reinforcing each other in a vicious cycle.

The truth is that many men are quite sensitive to their partner feeling disappointed. It’s often worth reminding a man that a woman’s disappointment doesn’t have to be a calamity. It’s worth reminding her to enjoy him for who he is, rather than complaining about who he’s not. Male or female, deep down we all need to be enjoyed. Many men start manifesting confident male energy again once they feel their partner really appreciates them.

Most long-term committed couples don’t get excited together unless they’re going to have sex, which is an enormous mistake. This is a fork in the road early in a relationship. Once the fever of having sex passes, you’re faced with the decision whether to go right or left. Almost everybody goes left; they keep desire toned down, unless sex is on the menu. They don’t wear anything sexy to bed, they don’t play footsie under the table in a restaurant. It never occurs to them that arousal might have independent value. Why save it just for sex? The happiest couples, meanwhile, enjoy feeling turned on together just for its own sake, even if it’s just for a minute or two, even if they’re not going to have sex.

In sex therapy, we call this “simmering”. It’s what most of us did as teenagers — passionately kissing in the hallway between classes, then hearing the bell ring and darting off in opposite directions, feeling deliciously buzzed. In most adult relationships, the simmering is at least as important as the sex — if only because it’s easier to find time for. I suggest, whenever you might ordinarily kiss your partner, consider simmering them instead. Instead of waving them off to work with a peck on the cheek, simmer them goodbye. Hold them tight, feel their body, maybe rumple them up a bit, then send them on their way. And men, if you’re watching TV and your wife comes to kiss you goodnight, grasp her around the waist, pull her down to you and hold her tight. It may well lead to something more later — but it doesn’t have to.

Take responsibility for your own orgasm

Many women still think that if their male partner gets an erection, they’re responsible for relieving him of it. This makes no sense, since no one should ever feel obliged to do anything in bed they don’t want to do. What’s more, we men like being aroused. It’s not painful and if nothing sexual happens, an erection simply goes down. So if you’re lying in bed with your man and he gets excited, it’s totally fine to say: “Nice to know you’re happy to see me, but I’m really tired. OK if we just simmer for a minute, then go to sleep?”

Sometimes, though, he’ll crave an orgasm — just like sometimes a woman might crave an orgasm. He could always go to the bathroom to deal it himself, but it’s cold and lonely in there. The sexually happiest couples tend to compromise with something we sex therapists call “lazy sex”. They kiss, he holds her passionately with one hand, and with his other hand gives himself an orgasm. Some couples tell me they’ve always done this, especially when they were new parents and exhausted, or because their libidos don’t always align. Other couples, when I mention lazy sex, look at me as if I have three heads; as if taking a vow of marriage means swearing never again to touch your own genitals in bed. Obviously that’s a misreading of the marital contract.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Let’s Talk About Sex and Cancer

— A cancer diagnosis can change your sex life, but patience, experimentation and communication can help you get back on track.

By Liz Highleyman

Sexuality is an important part of life that contributes to overall well-being. Getting a cancer diagnosis, undergoing treatment and becoming a survivor can affect sexual desire and function. Surgery, radiation and chemotherapy not only alter the body, but they can also change how patients—and their partners—feel about their bodies and about sex.

“Sexuality is not synonymous with sexual activity. It covers intimacy, desire, arousal, orgasm and satisfaction,” says Don Dizon, MD, director of the Pelvic Malignancies Program and the Sexual Health First Responders Clinic at Brown University Health Cancer Center. “When it functions normally, we don’t think about it, but when something negatively affects who we are sexually and how we experience pleasure, it can be quite distressing.”

Research suggests that as many as 90% of people with breast, gynecological or prostate cancers experience difficulties with sexual desire or function. For women, the most frequently reported problems include vaginal dryness or atrophy and pain during intercourse (dyspareunia). For men, erectile dysfunction is a common problem. People of any gender may experience loss of sexual desire (libido) and difficulty reaching orgasm.

Treatment for breast, cervical, ovarian or prostate cancers may involve removal of the ovaries or testes or use of hormone therapy to slow the growth of tumors with estrogen, progesterone or androgen (male hormone) receptors. This can put younger women into sudden menopause and can cause numerous side effects for postmenopausal women and men as well. In an effort to prevent cancer recurrence, such treatment may last for years.

But sexual problems are not only a concern for people with cancers that affect the reproductive system. Surgery or radiation for any type of cancer in the pelvic region can lead to scarring and damage to organs, nerves and blood vessels that play a role in sexual function. Treatment for anal cancer can impact the sex lives of gay men and others who enjoy anal sex. Some people with bladder or colorectal cancer will need an ostomy bag to collect urine or feces. One bright spot, however, is that the recent trend toward active surveillance, less invasive surgery, more targeted radiation therapy and lower medication doses can lessen negative outcomes.

Beyond the direct physical effects, cancer and its treatment can also take an emotional toll. Chemotherapy, other cancer medications and radiation can cause side effects such as fatigue, nausea and pain that can leave people uninterested in sex. Hair loss or weight changes due to chemotherapy or removal of a breast can lead to self-con­sciousness or a poor body image. And simply facing cancer can trigger stress, insomnia, anxiety and depression, all of which can kill the mood.

Often, the cancer experience brings couples closer together, but sometimes it can drive them apart. Partners might have a hard time understanding a lack of sexual interest and may need time to adapt to changes in appearance and function. Some partners may withdraw emotionally or fear that sex will cause harm. What’s more, changing roles—for example, when a spouse becomes a caregiver—can affect sexual relationships. Single people may have concerns about when to bring up cancer while dating, and they may be hesitant to start new relationships if their prognosis is uncertain.

“Sometimes cancer can make a relationship stronger. My partner was so loving and supportive, I fell more in love. But for some, it’s a deal-breaker,” says Annie Sprinkle, PhD, a former adult film star and current performance artist who holds a doctorate in human sexuality. “Cancer is going to change you. You have to accept that, and your partner has to accept it.”

Sprinkle was diagnosed with early breast cancer about 20 years ago and had lumpectomies, radiation and chemotherapy, which caused “instant menopause.” Years later, when she got scans after a car accident, doctors found signs of lung cancer, and she underwent surgery again. In characteristic fashion, Sprinkle and her partner, University of California Santa Cruz art professor Beth Stephens, PhD, made cancer a theme of their art.

Cancer patients and survivors can take steps to improve their sexual desire and function before, during and after treatment. Patience, experimentation and communication are keys to a better sex life.

For women, estrogen replacement therapy may improve menopausal symptoms, but this is often not possible for those with hormone-driven cancers. Estrogen creams or vaginal rings can relieve dryness and irritation without increasing the risk for cancer progression or recurrence. A recent study showed that Addyi (flibanserin), a drug that helps balance neurotransmitters in the brain, improved sexual desire, arousal and satisfaction for women with breast cancer. Modern breast surgery techniques are less likely to cause lasting changes in mobility and sensation. Most women have reconstructive surgery after breast removal, but going flat is also an option.

For men, decisions about testosterone replacement therapy to revive a flagging libido can be a balancing act between managing symptoms and minimizing the risk of cancer recurrence. For some men, drugs like Viagra (sildenafil) or Cialis (tadalafil) are effective for treating erectile dysfunction. Penile injections, inflatable implants or vacuum pumps may also be an option. Some experts recommend “erectile rehabilitation,” or regular use of medications and vacuum pumps to achieve an erection even when sex is not desired.

For everyone, eating a balanced diet, getting enough exercise, maintaining a healthy weight and getting adequate sleep contribute to overall quality of life, including sexual well-being. Studies have shown that aerobic exercise, pelvic floor exercises, yoga and meditation can help improve libido and sexual function. Exercises that strengthen the pelvic muscles, in particular, can reduce pain during intercourse, prevent urine leakage during sex and lead to firmer erections.

Time and patience can go a long way. Some sexual symptoms are likely to improve after treatment is completed. Nerves and blood vessels injured by surgery or radiation can sometimes repair themselves, but this can take months or even years. Give yourself time to heal before resuming vaginal or anal sex. Due to a waning libido, sex may not be as spontaneous as it used to be. You might need to plan ahead for when you have more energy or to give erectile dysfunction meds time to work. Adapting to physical and emotional changes can be a prolonged process for both the person with cancer and their partner.

“I like to say, the only answer to any question about sex is, ‘It depends.’ That’s spot-on when it comes to sex and cancer,” Sprinkle says. “Parts of your body might be numb or nervy or have scar tissue, or you can’t have weight on top of you. Forget everything and do it your way. There’s no right way—there’s just what works for you.”

Experimentation is key. Before resuming sex with a partner, it might be helpful to explore your own body and its changing sensations to figure out what feels good—or doesn’t—now. Tune in to novel sensations, and try new positions that might be more comfortable. Some people may choose to wear sexy clothing to hold a breast prosthesis in place or cover a chemo port or ostomy bag. Lubricants can relieve vaginal dryness—many different types are available. Likewise, there’s a wide variety of vibrators and other sex toys to try. Men who are unable to have an erection can usually still experience sexual sensations and learn to achieve orgasm without ejaculation. If intercourse is not possible, explore other ways to maintain intimacy. Your sex life may be different than it was before cancer, but it can still be pleasurable.

“Sometimes people have too narrow a definition of sex,” says Sprinkle. “Get out of the idea that sex is only about intercourse. Find what turns you on. If nothing does, at least have sensual pleasure, like massage or cuddling. Anything can be sex if it gives you pleasure or you find it sensual or erotic. Your sex life can become your pleasure life.”

Open communication is among the most important factors, both between partners and between people with cancer and their health care providers. Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling physically, mentally and emotionally. Discuss what you want out of your sex lives and how to satis­fy both of you. If this is difficult, a marriage or couples counselor or sex therapist might be able to help.

Early in your journey, have frank discussions with your care team—doctors, nurses, mental health therapists and social workers—about how cancer and its treatment could affect your sexual well-being and how to prevent or ameliorate problems. Some cancer centers have sexual health specialists and offer sexual rehabilitation programs. Forewarned is forearmed.

Unfortunately, a majority of cancer patients report that they did not receive adequate sexual health information before, during or after treatment. In part, this is due to a stereotype that older people are not interested in sex. Finding appropriate information can be especially challenging for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. For their part, most oncologists say they never received training in managing sexual problems. Patients often say they don’t want to make their doctors uncomfortable, while doctors say they don’t want to make their patients uncomfortable. Don’t be afraid to make the first move.

“Sexuality does not have to be another part of one’s life ‘lost’ to cancer,” says Dizon. “To avoid conversations around sexuality after cancer robs people of the opportunity to fully participate in a domain that defines us as human beings.”

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What’s the difference between abstinence and celibacy?

— Many young people are abstaining from sex and call themselves celibate. But what’s the difference between abstinence vs celibacy?

By Daryl Austin

Once thought to be largely motivated by religious beliefs, celibacy has become a popular way for people to reconnect with themselves, gain control over sexual desires and find more meaningful relationships. Some people refraining from sex say they practice abstinence — but is there a difference between abstinence and celibacy?

A multitude of influencers and celebrities have publicly touted not having sex. Actor Andrew Garfield has been public about trying out celibacy for a time; ditto for Justin Bieber. Musician Lenny Kravitz said in an interview that he has been celibate for years for spiritual reasons; and singer and model Suki Waterhouse has credited her “bout of celibacy” for helping her end up in a happy relationship with boyfriend Robert Pattinson.

According to Psychology Today research from July 2024, about 1 in 6 women and 1 in 10 men say they are deliberately taking a break from sex and dating,

While experts can’t isolate the increasing rates of celibacy or abstinence to one factor alone, they do speak about some of the reasons more people are engaging in the practice — plus some of the upsides or downsides that may come from doing so.

Are abstinence and celibacy the same thing? 

Sexual abstinence and celibacy are both terms that refer to choosing not to have sex or partake in certain sexual behaviors, and they are often used interchangeably. However, they differ depending on the intention behind not having sex.

“Celibacy is often associated with religious vows or motivation,” Kim Polinder, a certified relationship coach and the host of the podcast “Engineering Love,” tells TODAY.com.

When one chooses celibacy for spiritual reasons, it usually means refraining from all sexual activity, whereas abstinence usually means refraining from specific sexual activities for a specific time period or under specific circumstances, such as wanting to wait to have sex until marriage. “Abstinence can be more flexible,” where celibacy is more of “a long-term choice,” she says.

Brooke Sprowl, a licensed therapist and the clinical director of My LA Therapy in California, agrees. “Celibacy is a conscious, often long-term commitment rooted in deeper personal or spiritual beliefs,” she tells TODAY.com.

“When someone chooses celibacy, they’re often embracing a lifestyle that prioritizes their emotional, spiritual or personal growth over the complexities that sexual relationships can bring — a choice that’s intertwined with a larger purpose but doesn’t have to be related to spiritual devotion.”

Can you kiss and still be celibate?

Some people practicing celibacy kiss, whereas others do not. That’s because the specific sexual activities a person chooses to refrain from are entirely up to the individual.

“When people define themselves as celibate, whether for a period of time or as a lifestyle commitment, they can place the boundary wherever they choose,” Dr. Donald Cole, a licensed marriage and family counselor and clinical director of the Gottman Institute in Seattle, tells TODAY.com.

Some people, he says, choose no sexual activity at all. Others allow only kissing, some choose to draw the line at the touching of breasts or genitals, and others say only intercourse is off limits.

“The key is that celibacy is a personal decision, with each person defining what it means for them based on their unique motivations and values,” says Sprowl.

Why do people choose to be celibate? 

There are a variety of reasons people choose to be celibate.

Religion or spirituality

“Ascribing to religious or spiritual beliefs is the most common reason for celibacy,” Dr. Paul Turek, a men’s fertility physician and the director of the Turek Clinic in San Francisco, tells TODAY.com.

When motivated by religious beliefs, Polinder says that celibacy can help one better focus on spiritual service and a deeper connection to a higher power.

“Others might choose celibacy for purity reasons, such as ‘saving yourself’ before marriage, to maintain moral integrity, or as a way to create space for focusing on personal growth,” she says.

Taking control of one’s body

“Abstinence is … a way to assert control over one’s physical body, rejecting societal pressures or expectations around expected sexual behavior,” says Polinder.

Individuals who have experienced sexual trauma might also choose celibacy or abstinence “to heal from the negative experience,” says Cole.

Improving relationship quality

Sometimes, Sprowl says, individuals choose celibacy or abstinence “as a way to break free from unhealthy patterns of codependency or to avoid the emotional entanglements … that can come with sexual relationships.”

Polinder explains that “other people wish to remain celibate while in a relationship until a certain level of trust and commitment are achieved.”

Avoiding health risks of sex

“Some people choose celibacy to avoid certain consequences of having sex — including painful sex, sexually transmitted infections, unwanted pregnancy or undesired emotions,” Turek adds.

What are the benefits of being celibate? 

“The benefits of celibacy can be profound,” says Sprowl.

Self-reflection

The first benefit Sprowl points to is “allowing individuals to better understand their own needs and desires without the complications that often accompany sexual relationships.” It can also “(offer) a space for deep self-reflection and the development of a stronger sense of self.”

Personal growth

Cole says celibacy can help one focus more time and energy “on work, education or personal growth.” It can also facilitate healing from a negative relationship or provide a sense of safety, “as meeting people and beginning relationships sometimes creates unexpected dangers and anxieties, which are avoided by celibacy.”

Turek adds: “Celibacy can also bolster personal character traits such as restraint, patience and compassion.”

Avoiding health risks from sex

Turek says that abstaining from sex also has the practical benefits of no longer needing birth control, lowering risk of sexually transmitted infections and avoiding unplanned pregnancies.

Prioritizing emotional intimacy

Celibacy can give a couple in a new relationship “the opportunity to focus on their friendship first in order to create more meaningful emotional intimacy rather than sexual chemistry alone,” says Polinder. “Abstinence can remove the emotional roller coaster ride that can accompany sexual relationships.”

Are there downsides to being celibate? 

“Celibacy isn’t without its challenges,” says Sprowl. It can sometimes lead to feelings of loneliness or isolation, “particularly if the choice to be celibate results in fewer intimate relationships.”

If the decision to practice celibacy isn’t adequately thought out, it can “lead to internal conflict, frustration, or feelings of shame,” she adds.

Polinder agrees: “A lack of intimate connection with others can lead to a heightened sense of disconnection and loneliness if one is not prepared for this lifestyle choice.”

In other circumstances, “celibacy may lead to sexual frustration and feeling overwhelmed, inadequate or uncool,” adds Turek.

And if your romantic partner is not aligned with your celibacy or abstinence commitment, “the decision can strain the relationship or lead to maladaptive behaviors within the relationship,” says Cole.

But if you’ve heard that celibacy can affect male fertility, Turek says not to worry: “The reality is that celibacy has no effect on fertility potential, as the male body has ways of keeping fertility fresh though nocturnal emissions.”

How long to be celibate

If you’re interested in trying out celibacy to see if it improves your wellbeing, there’s no specific amount of time you must refrain from sex in order to notice benefits, the experts say.

That’s why Polinder suggests starting with a trial period, such as a few months. “The trial period allows you to re-evaluate matters at the end without losing integrity with yourself for not pursuing it indefinitely,” she explains.

To decide how long to be celibate, you should also have a clear goal for your celibacy. This way, when you feel you’ve achieved it, you can assess if you want to continue with the practice, Polinder says.

Last, be hyperaware of any changes in your circumstances or motivations for being celibate, Turek advises. Experiencing more negatives than positives may be a sign you’ve have tried celibacy for long enough.

Tips for trying celibacy

The No. 1 tip from experts is to make sure you have clear goals for the period of time you’re abstaining from sex.

To help make your celibacy journey more successful, you should also feel confident that you have “sufficient emotional awareness and maturity to navigate (celibacy’s) complexities,” Sprowl says.

“It’s also beneficial to seek guidance, whether through therapy or supportive communities, to help navigate any challenges that arise and to ensure that your practice of celibacy is fulfilling and … contributes to your overall mental, spiritual and emotional wellbeing,” she adds.

Polinder says it’s important to keep checking in with yourself about how the practice is making you feel and affecting your relationships. For example, are you feeling more centered and grounded, or experiencing loneliness and frustration?

Turek cautions that celibacy isn’t for everyone.

“What’s key is to do it for yourself and no one else,” he says. “Otherwise confusion, resentment, self-blame and guilt will surface and erase intended benefits. … Celibacy should be followed as long as the sum total of benefits outweigh the negative.”

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You’ve Heard Of 69, But What’s 68?

— Your Guide To The Sex Position

By Amanda Chatel

There’s a good chance you’ve heard of the 69 position, maybe even before you could really wrap your brain around the concept. The position — two bodies on top of each other, facing opposite directions, and simultaneously stimulating each other orally — can be a hotly debated topic amongst friends. There are people who love 69-ing and those who’ve realized not only is 69-ing not for them, but they completely loathe the position. Luckily, we live in a world of options, one of which is a little something called the 68 position.

“The [68] position is a very relaxing one, you are actually laying there to receive rather than being expected to do something in return,” certified sex and relationship psychotherapist Gigi Engle tells Cosmopolitan UK. “A lot of the time, when women and people with vulvas have problems with orgasm, it’s because they don’t think that they have an entitlement to pleasure, due to the way that they have been socialized to be givers and to always be servicing other people,” says Engle. “This position really lends itself to just laying back and enjoying.”

To get a better understanding of the 68 position, Women exclusively talked to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, sexpert for Lovers sexual wellness brand and retailer. If you’ve never heard of this gem of a position, then here’s everything you need to know.

How 68 differs from 69

The biggest difference between the 68 and 69 positions is that only one person is being orally stimulated. But similar to 69, your bodies are still stacked and facing opposite directions. One partner lays down on their back, while the other partner lays on top of them, facing the opposite direction, but face up. Each partner should have their feet firmly on the ground with their knees bent and legs comfortably spread enough to receive oral sex. It may take some experimentation the first time around, but every sex position takes a bit of work when initially explored.

“People may find the 68 position better than the 69 because of multiple reasons,” Stewart tells Women. For starters, height differences between partners can mess with alignment of the genitals and mouths for 69-ing, she says. There’s also the matter of trying to get your head in the game during 69-ing, which for some people can be near impossible. “If they’re unable to multitask, the 68 is ideal because they only have to be concentrating on one kind of behavior,” says Stewart. “It’s also helpful if you just want to concentrate on your pleasure without any distractions like genitals in your face.”

Advantages to 68 sex position

The biggest advantage that the 68 sex position has to offer (and is the real selling point), is that each partner is able to concentrate better while giving oral, as well be more present while receiving, Stewart says. There’s also the fact that 68 allows for a “spectacular view,” she points out. Let’s be honest, during 69-ing your partner’s genitals are so close to your face that your sense of sight is pretty much deprived. All you can really see is just flesh and more flesh, and not the particulars. For people who need visual stimulation to become aroused and stay aroused, 69 just doesn’t do it. But with 68, it’s all right there — and not just your partner’s genitals, but their body and face too. It can be really sexy to make eye contact with your partner during oral sex — something you never get in the 69 position.

How to truly enhance the experience

Despite the fact that only one person is giving oral in the 68 position, both partners can still stay active. It takes two to tango, which means that just because you’re not giving oral, it’s not okay to mentally check out. When you do, you’re denying both you and your partner what can be a really intense and intimate experience.

“You should always be active unless your role is to be passive,” says Stewart. “As an active person in the sexual experience, that means that you are giving feedback (moans, talking, etc.) to let your partner know how you’re feeling.” After all, communication (all forms of it) keeps the momentum going and allows both partners to know that they’re on the same page.

If your partner is new or it’s a one-night stand, be sure to communicate beforehand as well. Having sex with someone you just met can be really exciting, like opening a gift, but because sex is an umbrella term for so many sexual acts, you want at least a glimpse of what you’re both into — especially if there’s the possibility of having to navigate a kink gap. “Know which tactics that they have as sexual assets that will titillate your partner in the ways that they like,” says Stewart. “Being able to connect to your lover authentically is a great way to foster trust, safety, and security.” Also, don’t forget to tackle the consent chat before you do anything.

Things to consider before diving into 68

Not every body is able to move in the exact same way, and it’s important to keep that in mind whether you’re planning to 68, 69, do it doggy style, or try some super advanced position you come across in the Kama Sutra. Just because something exists, it doesn’t mean everyone can (or should) do it. “When doing [the 68] position, keep in mind your physical limitations and be cognizant of your physical abilities,” says Stewart. “Nothing is worse than getting into a position you think you like and then having it be ruined by a body part that is too achy or unable to withstand the sexual experience.”

It’s also worth noting that sex-related injuries are far more common than you might think. According to a survey by Superdrug Online Doctor, a whopping 62% of people in a roughly 1,000-person survey reported injuring themselves during sex. Among the sex positions most likely to result in an injury? Doggy style — for people with vulvas and people with penises. So ease your way into the 68 position, make sure both you and your partner are comfy, then let the oral stimulation commence.

6 Reasons Why 69-Ing May Not Be The Best Sex Position For You

Somewhere down the line, every person is introduced to the 69 position. In most cases, they hear about it first and, depending on your age and sexual experience, the mere idea of it can be perplexing. We’re talking about a position in which two people are facing opposing directions — as in head-to-toes — and giving each other oral sex at the same time. Why? Who came up with this? As if it weren’t hard enough to garner the necessary stamina and confidence to be on top, let alone this.

Like a lot of sex positions, this one goes way back. It appears in the Kama Sutra, which was written somewhere between 400 BCE and 200 CE, and is explained as “When a man and woman lie down in an inverted order, with the head of one toward the feet of the other, and carry on this congress, it is called the Congress of a Crow.” But how the name evolved from “congress of a cow” to 69 can be attributed to, of course, the French — leave it to the French to come up with a pretty term for anything sex-related. At the beginning of the French Revolution a sex manual entitled “The Whore’s Catechisms” was published and in it, this notorious position was renamed “soixante-neuf,” the French translation for sixty-nine. And the name stuck.

Although there are those who love 69-ing, for many it’s not a great position for a slew of reasons. If you don’t love, or even like 69-ing, you’re not alone.

Height differences

It’s pretty rare that you come across a couple who are the exact same height, especially in cishet relationships. However, if two people want to pull off a 69 and make it enjoyable enough to be an almost-perfect situation, then being the same height is key. Granted, a couple of inches in height differentiation aren’t a big deal, but if you’re five-foot and your partner is six-two, that’s quite a disparity and 69 isn’t likely to be the best fit for you two.

“69’ing is not actually ‘nice,’” a Reddit user wrote. “If both partners aren’t well-matched in how tall they are, it just doesn’t work well … One person lies on the bottom and is kind of crushed. If you don’t orgasm simultaneously, it’s just awkward.”

Although there’s the debate that if you perform 69 on your sides, there’s no crushing involved even if the two partners aren’t remotely close in height, it can still be tricky. If you and your partner have a mismatched height situation, then skip 69.

It involves too much multi-tasking

Some people aren’t multitaskers. They don’t have it in their DNA and that’s fine! If the world were full of only multitaskers, far too much would be accomplished and, honestly, we don’t really need that. The 69 position is multitasking and then some. Just think about the position and what it entails from both partners: attention to detail, being totally present, and trying to offer up some really great oral sex while also trying to focus on your own pleasure.

“Female perspective: There’s too much going on at once,” wrote a Reddit user. “It’s almost impossible to concentrate if the other person is doing a good job. If the other person isn’t doing a good job then why bother with bells and whistles for them if they are just lapping at you like a thirsty dog drinking water … It’s a totally overhyped sex position.”

Contrary to the belief that cis men are into 69-ing, this Reddit comment got a very apropos response: “Male here and I 100% agree with you,” wrote the Reddit user. “I can’t speak to fellatio, but I know cunnilingus takes some concentration to be done well. So 69 is like doing math problems while on a roller coaster: you won’t enjoy the coaster and you’ll f*** up the math. It’s better for everyone involved to just take turns … I put 69 in the same category as shower sex and beach sex. They sound nice on paper but are typically disappointing in practice.” There’s no sense in giving and receiving mediocre oral sex when you can give and receive fantastic oral when you subtract multitasking from the scenario.

It’s not orgasm-friendly

As the Reddit users pointed out, with all that’s going on, concentration goes out the window. When that happens, having an orgasm is hard for both partners — no matter if they’re penis owners or vulva owners. Even if your end game in 69 isn’t focused on climaxing, your brain is still immersed in things that you normally wouldn’t be thinking about if you and your partner partook in oral sex one at a time.

For example, there’s all that lovely face-smothering that can make breathing a bit of a challenge. Then there’s that distracting lapping and sucking sound that, when oral is performed on each person one at a time, isn’t as noticeable because there are things like moaning and being able to lose yourself in the moment fully. During 69, you can become overly aware of things you wouldn’t normally even notice. For those with a vulva, trying to orgasm is often difficult enough.

“[The media] has been guilty of telling women how orgasms are supposed to happen,” clinical psychologist and sex educator Lawrence Siegel told Healthline. “To have an orgasm you have to be able to let go and allow it to happen, which is an issue for a lot of people … People wonder if they’re pleasing their partner enough, or they get self-conscious about their own bodies in certain positions. Porn is a big misconception about how people are ‘supposed’ to look, feel, and react during sex. And a lot of that is fake.” If you’re someone who struggles to orgasm with a partner or without one and want to orgasm with your oral sex, then 69 probably isn’t for you.

You can’t communicate

According to a 2018 study published in Sex and Marital Therapy, ultimate sexual satisfaction is directly linked to communication — this includes both verbal and non-verbal. But when you’re 69-ing, you can’t verbally communicate (for obvious reasons), nor can you non-verbally communicate, again, for obvious reasons. It’s not exactly the most forgiving position when it comes to movement that would let you non-verbally communicate to your partner that you’re enjoying a technique, disliking something they’re doing, or if they moved their tongue a little to left, things would feel much better. You’re sort of trapped in a locked-in position, both mouths full of genitals, and minimal ability to communicate what you want to tell them.

People who like to talk during sex and feel comfortable expressing what they’re experiencing, giving direction, or are open to receiving direction, aren’t likely to find satisfaction in 69. Sure, you can “uh-huh” with your throat, but that’s about it — especially if your bodies are really close and you have a penis in your mouth that you have to struggle to get out of your mouth to say even one word. Also, if you’re not awkward about dirty talk and are really into it while being intimate, it’s definitely not happening during 69.

It can actually leave you with some pain

Two words: neck pain. Anyone who’s ever tried 69 laying down, either one on top of the other or side-by-side knows that neck pain, if you hold the position too long, is a given. Certain parts of the body aren’t made to be held in specific positions for extended periods of time, so when these areas are pushed to the limit, pain inevitably follows.

According to a survey of over 1000 Europeans and Americans by Superdrug Online Doctor, 62% of people reported experiencing sex-related injuries at some point in their life. Although doggy style appears to be the most dangerous for those with vulvas and missionary the most precarious for penis owners, 69 is also on the list. As the survey found 2.6% of penis owners and 1.4% of vulva owners have been victims of 69ing gone awry. While the survey didn’t say how these injuries occurred or what they were, they still happened. There’s also the risk of an over-excited person wielding their penis in a way that can get a little aggressive.

“It’s not uncommon for an enthusiastic penis-haver to press down a bit too far into their partner’s mouth, restricting airflow and causing a bit of discomfort,” sex and relationships therapist Stefani Goerlich, LMSW-Clinical, LISW told Insider. If you’re accident-prone, already have some aches and pains that you’d prefer not to add to, or you’re a big fan of breathing while engaging in sexual activity, then maybe look toward other sex positions instead of 69.

It’s not conducive to summer weather

As you’ve probably noticed, people get horny in the summer. We have the sun, more skin showing, holidays, and just a general upbeat attitude about life as a whole. So, naturally, sex is on the brain for a lot of people — and research proves it. According to a 2013 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, a five-year-long analysis found that once summer rolls around, Google searches for porn, prostitution, and online dating skyrocket. The study noted that the findings further prove that seasonal trends around STIs, condom sales, and abortions increasing as well. But while many people may be in the mood to get it on, there’s one position you shouldn’t get into when things are hot and sweaty.

“The 69 position is best avoided because it obviously means bodies are super-close together, rubbing down,” sex expert Ruby Payne told LadBible. “And even if you do it on the side, there’s more contact with the bed fabrics … Stick to the ‘unmutual’ kind of oral in a heatwave.”

That’s right; a sex expert has actually advised against summer 69-ing. If July and August are your months to sexually shine before Labor Day, then 69 isn’t for you. But guess what? That’s totally okay! Despite what we see in porn, most people aren’t 69-ing all the time. In fact, a 2015 survey by Uncovering Intimacy found that only 17% of people favor the 69 position for oral sex, while 46% prefer laying on their back with their partner between their legs. So there you go — you’re not alone and there are many of us, so you’re in fabulous company.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A College Student’s Guide to Safer Sex

— Tips from an Intimacy Coordinator

Safe sex is incredibly important for sexual health.

Learn about boundaries, consent, and pleasure with the C.R.I.S.P method.

By Ju Derraik

Sexual health is not just about testing and contraception, although there are plenty of resources available on campus to help with that. It’s also about creating a healthy relationship with your boundaries and with pleasure. Yes, sex should be safe, but it should also be meaningful, whether it’s to connect with a partner, with an identity, or with yourself.

As an intimacy coordinator and someone who spent this summer connecting with students about consent culture at Orientation, sexual health is really important to me. Talking to incoming students this summer brought to mind my freshman self, hailing from little to no high-school sex education (all we had was an abstinence pact… that only girls had to sign). While I handed out Condom Fairy flyers and consent stickers, I thought about the advice I would have given my first-year self.

Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage.” Cheesy as it is, his adage rings true in how intimacy works for student films, which has taught me about intimacy off-camera. As an intimacy coordinator, I work with actors and directors to plan, choreograph, and ethically execute intimate scenes.

When I’m on set, be it a high-five, fist bump, or elbow touch, I always have my actors tap in before intimacy work. ‘Tapping in’ is a kinesthetic practice at the start of every intimate scene. It’s a way to say:

“Hey! I’m here, present in my body! I see you. Do you see me too? “

I use the consent acronym C.R.I.S.P on set to help actors be curious about their boundaries. Applying C.R.I.S.P to real-life sex, I encourage you to do the same:

Considered

Having consideration is not just about asking yourself, ‘Do I want this?’ It’s about preparing in advance so that sex can be a source of pleasure, not distress. With BU Student Health Service’s access to free and low-cost contraception and birth control options, you can ensure not only that your consent is considered, but that you consider your consent.

Revokable

I always tell my actors, that “No” is simply information. You have the right to change your mind at any point during intimacy! You always have a choice. Your sexual partner(s) should be able to graciously receive that information freely.

Informed

Informed consent isn’t just a form for BU’s social science labs. Staying informed about your sexual health is an act of consideration for your partner(s) and yourself. The chief way to stay informed is to get tested; SHS makes it easy. Remember! Plenty of STIs can be asymptomatic. Go with your partner(s) or friends (post-brunch activity?).

Specific

Consent is situation-specific. My actors’ agreement to one point of contact does not mean an agreement to the next. The same rings true for sex. Past consent does not mean present consent; present consent should be enthusiastic! College is for exploration in more than one sense. Find out what you don’t like. Find out what you do! (And feel empowered asking for it).

Participatory

Without my actor’s participation, there can be no intimacy. Although this one seems self-explanatory, our generation tends to forget it the most. In reality, sex does not have to be romantic, but it shouldn’t be dissociative. Yes, consent involves checking in with your partner, but it also involves checking in with yourself. Be present in experiencing your sexuality. You can only learn if you participate.

Today and every day, while I urge you to tap into BU’s safer sex resources, I also encourage you to tap into your built-in resource: your body. Invest time into yourself; learn about your boundaries. Forego judgment and be curious about what you like. You can find that curiosity using C.R.I.S.P or any method of reflection you prefer best. Whatever it takes to tap in and say:

“Hey! I’m here, present in my body! I see you. Do you see me too? “

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sober sex is on the rise

— This is the month to try it

Avoid the ‘next morning regret’

By Ebony Leigh

With new stats revealing that the majority of Aussies prefer to boink without the booze, Sober October is a great time to give sex without the sauce a red hot go. 

It’s a tag that plenty of us wear proudly. “We’re Australian – we’re a nation of big drinkers,” we laugh, before raising another tinnie.

But what about when our rich culture of beers at the footy, pints at the pub and a few too many on a Friday starts to have ramifications on our sex lives?

Because that’s exactly what’s happening according to new data from Lovehoney, the leading sexual wellness brand.

A country of ‘next day regret’

When it comes to who’s done the dirty while drunk, seven in 10 (69 per cent) admitted that they’d had sex intoxicated, while a quarter of the nation (24 per cent) said that most of the one-night stands they’d had had been while drinking. This last stat was highest among 35 to 44 year olds with one in three (33 per cent) going home with someone after a boozer.

Which of course begs the question, was it any good? For 3.4 million Aussies the answer is tragically no, according to Lovehoney’s survey, with 16 per cent of people confiding that they’d had a negative experience while having drunken sex.

“Probably anyone who has had a drink and gone home with someone is going to have experiences like ‘next day regret’,” Lovehoney sex and relationship expert Christine Rafe tells Body+Soul. “Whether it’s something they said or something they did.”

Because while we think we need alcohol to give us a bit of Dutch courage to let go and lower our inhibitions, it doesn’t always turn out so well. “We think we are going to be more confident and more able to ask for things that are maybe outside of our character or things that we potentially wouldn’t do as our sober, fully conscious selves,” the expert explains.

But the thing about alcohol is that it impacts our blood circulatory system, which isn’t great for sexual function. “So, yes, confidence is one thing, but actually once you have a few drinks sometimes you can end up in situations where you find it more difficult to get or maintain an erection, or you experience difficulties with ejaculation or even the engorgement of the clitoris which is responsible for pleasure,” Rafe says.

Which is absolutely worth keeping in mind. “Consider what actually is the quality and the pleasure of the sexual experience when alcohol is affecting you from a physiological sense,” she suggests.

More Aussies prefer sober sex

The great news is that we might be turning a corner in the cornerstone of Australia’s drinking culture, with a sober lifestyle more on trend than ever. Lovehoney data shows that only half (53 per cent) of the country now drink regularly, while 15 no longer turn to booze and nine per cent have never tasted alcohol. This is largest in the 18 to 24 year old cohort, with 18 per cent not having ever picked up a drink.

Which leads us to the bedroom with 51 per cent of people saying they prefer to have sex sober and 42 per cent calling intimacy more enjoyable when they’re teetotal.

“Sober sex heightens the emotional connection because we can really connect with someone properly, and it opens the door for clearer communication,” says Rafe. “And also, it’s more pleasurable because we have more access to blood circulating to our genital region, which supports with arousal, pleasure and sexual function.”

It also makes future sex with that person even better. “When it comes to arousal, remembering a previous sexual experience acts as foreplay for the next one,” the sex and relationship expert says. “So we really want those memories to be clear so we can actually remember the things that we did.”

How to build sexual confidence without needing a drink

With Aussies reevaluating their relationship with alcohol, Rafe says there are plenty of ways to boost confidence in bed without a glass of grog.

#1. Practice sexual communication outside of sexual experiences

“Try writing down what you know you like and what you want,” the sexpert says, “and practicing that so you don’t need to have five wines to be able to say, ‘I really want you to go down on me’.”

#2. Plan sober dates

“Look for ideas that don’t involve bars or drinking,” Rafe encourages. “So I know Lovehoney has their Oh! Sexploration Vouchers 52 Weeks of Adventures set to guide couples through a year of exciting and spontaneous sexual experiences. So trying something like that can give you ideas for what to do on a casual date or even with a long term partner.”

#3. Get sexting 

More Coverage

Take away the pressure and say it in a text instead. “If you feel like you don’t know how to be confident, sometimes sending something over text can help,” the intimacy expert says. “You could say, “I really want to try that new toy’, or “I really want you to go down on me’, or “I love the way you _ when we have sex, what I’d really love is to _.”

#4. When in doubt, make out 

“When people are nervous to initiate sex, they think they need alcohol for that,” Rafe says. “So initiate a make out instead. You don’t have to initiate full blown penetrative sex from the get go. Starting with, ‘I’m going to initiate to make out with this person’. And then once you have a bit of arousal, it actually supports your confidence in initiating something further. So you don’t have to initiate penetrative sex from moment one.”

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The seven things only a sex therapist will tell you

— If your sex life is awkward, unenjoyable or simply non-existent, a sex therapist shares her top tips to improve intimacy

By

As a sex therapist, I make space for people to let go of what they think should be happening and move towards what they truly desire. I often see clients who are stuck in their sex lives, or not having the kind of pleasure they want. There are seven key things I have learnt in my time as a sex therapist that can help individuals break free and improve their sex lives.

If people avoid talking about sex, it is often for the wrong reasons

It’s so common for people to be avoidant about the topic of sex that the underlying reasons for it are rarely even considered. I have found that at the root of any avoidance or awkwardness there is usually something the individual has catastrophised. They avoid talking about sex as, unconsciously, they believe that doing so could reveal catastrophic truths, such as that their partner totally fantasises about someone else or that others are far more competent in the bedroom than they are. These unexamined worst fears are rarely the reality.

A client may say “I think he really doesn’t find me attractive anymore, since I’ve given birth” and my response is “OK, but what makes you think that, have you asked him? Have you asked what might be going on with him, or been curious about the changes in your sex life?”

If I could give only one piece of advice, it would be to let go of assumptions and expectations and find out what is going on with your partner.

Shame is the ultimate passion killer

Individuals often carry unconscious shame, which can greatly impact desire. Feelings of shame may be linked to negative sexual experiences but shame can date back to childhood. It can be surprising for people to realise that their sex life is being affected by beliefs and feelings originally unrelated to sex. For example, a child may have learnt to be ashamed of their own needs if they were expected to suppress them in favour of other people’s. As an adult, this may cause them to focus only on their partner and to totally disconnect from their own pleasure and enjoyment. In therapy, this relates to what we call conditions of worth: believing that we are worthy only if we meet certain conditions. Unpicking these conditions of worth can pave the way for far greater passion.

One particular client, a single woman in her 30s, was struggling with sexual shame. We talked about a difficult sexual experience and she came to the realisation that the experience had not been consensual. Once she was able to see this for what it actually was, and to think about how her body had felt, the shame began to dissipate. She then reframed the experience as sexual assault. It was a tough realisation, but this alignment was ultimately incredibly freeing for her.

Libido and orgasm type can be changed

Many aspects of a sexual relationship can be transformed by therapeutic work. A mismatched libido is very common but there is great potential for sex drives to become more in sync. There is a playful erotic exercise which can be really helpful: the couple ‘show and tell’ by demonstrating to each other what they like through self-pleasure. Couples find this game-changing for increasing their desire and libido and I highly recommend anyone in a trusting partnership try this exercise.

Similarly, people may have a fixed way to reach orgasm, but this too can change. By spending time focussing on their senses and exploring touch, they may discover, for example, that they can orgasm from nipple play.

A recently divorced woman in her 50s came to see me because she was feeling lost within her sexual self. She had been a wife and a parent for more than half her life and was keen to enter into a new form of relationship and sexual adventure but didn’t know where to start. After working on self pleasure and becoming more aware of her body’s responses, she found that she had a new fantasy life, focussed on being dominant rather than submitting. She went from low confidence and self-worth to loving her body and feeling empowered about having choices; she was reminded that her relationships, and her life, were in her control.

An achievement mindset is not helpful when it comes to sex

Goal-orientated pressure can really diminish sex. This can be particularly apparent for clients who are trying to conceive, as the pressure of timing can lead to difficulty maintaining an erection. But striving to ‘achieve’ can cause psychosexual issues in many other scenarios. People who experience issues such as vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, delayed, early or absent ejaculation will often be feeling a great deal of pressure – from a partner, societal norms, or themselves.

People would be far less concerned about achieving certain sexual goals if they knew the wide variation in people’s experience and knowledge. Some women are unfamiliar with their own genitals; some married couples have never had sex; some men do not know how to perform penetration. I see couples, for example, who have been to the doctors for their struggle with conception; yet when they come to see me and we talk it becomes apparent that penetration isn’t actually occurring. Little to no sexual experience is far more common than many would assume.

Planning sex can be genuinely sexy – plus it reduces the risk of rejection

People tend to expect that there should be total spontaneity in their sex life; that they should be having unpredictable sex every other day of the week, on the kitchen counter; and that it should all just ‘happen’. However, for most people, life simply gets in the way. The expectation of spontaneity also means that sex isn’t talked about beforehand; couples assume they should be completely aligned and just know what each other wants. But this is unrealistic.

People are usually resistant to planning sex, but it can be very sexy and erotic – communication throughout the day about the where and the when can build up the arousal. Equally, deciding in advance not to have sex, feels so much better than one person spontaneously initiating, only to have the other person turn away.

Planning sex was transformative for a couple in their 30s who, when they first came to see me, thought they would never be able to have sex again. The woman had MS, the man had painful arthritic hips, and every time they tried to have sex one or both of them would be in pain and take days to recover. Attempting to have sex had become a tense and sad experience. Initially we worked on building intimacy and connection through non-penetrative exercises, then we thought carefully about their bodies and came up with different sexual positions for them to try including the use of supportive cushions. They were delighted to be able to be intimate in these new ways.

Authenticity, not perceived attractiveness, is what is important

So many people, regardless of gender, have negative feelings about their body, worry about their appearance or about being ‘enough’ for their partner. But it’s not looks that make a satisfying sexual connection: it is feelings – genuine and authentic feelings. Authenticity is the antidote to shame and insecurity and the key to intimacy.

If people are struggling with insecurity we can look at the relationship; whether they are accepted for who they are, and whether they take pride in all that their body does for them. Working with people around their truth, their authentic self, is powerful.

There is such a thing as sex homework

Sex homework can involve journaling, self exploration exercises or whole body massage. But a classic sex homework task is to temporarily avoid penetration. This removes the perceived goal from sex and allows for more focus on sensations and emotions. This can be transformative for people, even if they’ve been having sex together for years.

It is my hope that, regardless of where they are now, people can release fear and shame and experience more joy and pleasure. Which is often easier than they think!

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Can Meditation Actually Save Your Sex Life?

— Bringing mindfulness to the bedroom

By Wendy Wisner

Sex and meditation are not two things we tend to think of as a pairing. One is typically quiet, relaxing, peaceful, and still. The other is, well…sex.

But meditation is not just about sitting crossed legged on the floor and trying to empty your mind. Meditation is simply being mindful. That can happen during a formal meditation practice, while taking a walk, washing the dishes, as well as including “body-centered techniques”, such as focusing on sensory perceptions.1

So what happens when you combine sensory-focused meditation and mindfulness with sex? Well, you get something called sexual meditation. “Sexual meditation is the practice of combining meditation techniques with sexual activity or intimate connection to deepen physical and emotional awareness,” says Sophie Cress, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist at SexualAlpha. “Its purpose is to enhance the sexual experience by fostering a state of mindfulness, where both partners are fully present and attuned to each other.” Research shows that combining mindfulness with sex can increase sexual health and satisfaction.2

Ready to take a deep dive into meditation and sexuality, including how to practice more meditative sex, either alone or with a partner? We’ve got you covered.

Understanding Sexual Meditation

The concept of sexual meditation is fairly open-ended. It’s simply when you combine sex or sexuality with ideas of mindfulness and meditation. That can look different for different folks.

Shamyra Howard, LCSW, AASECT, certified sex therapist and sexologist at Lovehoney Group, defines sexual mediation like this: “Sexual meditation involves focusing on the present moment and being fully aware of sensations, emotions, and thoughts during sexual activity, whether solo or with a partner.”

Sexual meditation combines the practice of mindfulness and the concept of body awareness3 by focusing on breath and sensation without judgment. “It’s all about allowing yourself to exist and feel all the feels,” Howard says.

Sexual meditation is a conversation between the mind and body, and it’s a process of expressing gratitude for what your body can do and feel in the moment.
— SHAMYRA HOWARD, LCSW, AASECT

Brian Tierney, PhD, licensed psychologist at The Somatic Doctor, describes sexual meditation as a “presence practice,” or a type of body awareness discipline that enables a person to develop the capacity to perceive more and more pleasure. “The purpose is to take more delight in life, to experience the expansive pleasure of having a body-in-relationship,” he says.

“Sexual meditation can delightfully combine the benefits of a mindfulness practice—the training of the mind to remain present, usually by noticing how much it escapes to the past and future—with an expansion of body awareness so that every nook and cranny of the body can tingle with a maximum amount of pleasure from moment to moment,” Dr. Tierney adds.

Exploring the Connection Between Meditation and Sexuality

Meditation and sexuality are more connected than many of us realize, says Howard. That’s because sexuality is not just about sexual pleasure or gratification. “Sexuality includes emotional, psychological, and social dimensions,” she says. “It’s a fluid aspect of human identity that incorporates our sexual preferences, desires, behaviors, and expressions.” and is influenced by not only biology but psychological and social factors as well.4

In other words, sex already has some aspects of mindfulness in it, because you can’t experience sexual pleasure without being attuned to your senses. What adding mindfulness does to the equation is that it can make sex all the more pleasurable. “The benefits of sexual meditation include enhanced arousal, desire, orgasm, and overall sexual well-being,” Howard describes.

Techniques for Sexual Meditation

Alright, let’s get down to business. How exactly can you integrate sexual meditation practices into your sex life?

First, it’s important to note that many people have complicated relationships with their bodies, which may be related to pain, past traumas, disability or body image concerns. For that reason, when practicing sexual meditation, it is important to move at a pace that feels comfortable to you. Second, sexual meditation and mindful body awareness is something you can do solo, or with a partner. It’s really up to you, and the techniques described below work in both instances. However you are doing it, Cress recommends starting by setting the mood. “To practice sexual meditation, one can begin by setting a calm, intentional environment free from distractions,” she advises.

Howard shared her top tips for getting started with your sexual meditation practice:

Breathe

Howard suggests breathing slowly with your eyes closed, in through your mouth and out through your nose. “Place one hand on your belly and the other on your genital area, and as you breathe in and out, think of what would feel good, no judgment,” she explains. “It’s okay if you get a genital response, and it’s OK if you don’t.” You’re just here to feel and explore.

If you are with a partner, you can breathe together this way. “Then, you and your partner can place a hand on each other’s genitals while breathing together,” Howard suggests. Again, keep it a no judgment zone, just letting each other feel whatever you feel.

Take it Slow

Mediative sex is usually by its nature, very slow—slow and intentional. This can be great for many people, but also has challenges. “This slow sensory experience can bring up different emotions and feelings,” Howard shares. “Some people laugh, some cry, some have the best orgasm they’ve ever had. Remember, this isn’t a time to judge yourself. This is a time to allow yourself to feel.”

Feel the Feels

Mindful sex is all about letting yourself lean into whatever sensation you are feeling, and just really feel them. Howard suggests paying attention to textures, temperature, and pressure.

Ask yourself questions like, “What does it feel like when you breathe in and out?” or “How does your or your partner’s genital area feel under or in your hand?”

Howard suggests slowly rubbing your hands over different body parts, placing your attention on skin texture and temperature. If you are with a partner, you can “use your mouth to tell your partner where to touch you,” Howard says. “Or use your hand to guide your partner to where you’d like them to touch you.”

Practice Delaying Orgasm

Howard recommends sinking into each moment during sex, feeling each sensation deliberately. “During partnered sex, go slow and continue to focus on sensations,” Howard says. “Pay attention to sounds, smells, and tastes to keep you grounded in the moment.”

Often, this slowness means not rushing to “get off” or orgasm. “Practice edging or delaying orgasm at least three times and focus on the sensations only,” she suggests. Sometimes you may not end up orgasming at all, but often you will, and you may find that these orgasms are super intense and pleasurable.

Benefits of Integrating Meditation and Sexuality

Sexual mediation has numerous benefits—just take it from Dr. Tierney, a huge proponent of sexual meditation, both personally, and for his clients. For him, sexual meditation is about taking sex slowly, so that you can focus on each sensory moment.

“The simple story for me is that when I finally learned how to engage in slow sex, to truly divest from chasing orgasms, it felt like I lost my virginity again (seriously),” he shares.

Dr. Tierney also shared some client stories, which illustrate some of the benefits of integrating mediation and sexuality:

  • “One couple felt like they were starting their marriage over again after 26 years of being together.”
  • “Another couple laughed so hard while they were practicing slow sex that they had to take a pause, not because they were reaching 8.88 on the orgasm scale, but because their ribs started cramping up.”
  • “Another couple realized that they had been avoiding looking at each other during sex for decades and decided to make more eye contact: it completely transformed their love live and radically diminished their highly-entrenched conflicts which were basically a result of them not seeing eye-to-eye.”

The research on the benefits of meditative sex mostly focuses on women, with several studies finding that women who meditate experience increase sexual function.5 The experts we spoke to say that sexual meditation isn’t just beneficial for women, and it doesn’t just make you have better sex or orgasms.

According to Cress, the benefits of sexual meditation include:

  • Enhanced emotional intimacy
  • Improved sexual satisfaction
  • Reduced performance anxiety
  • Better communication between partners
  • Helping people overcome sexual blocks or inhibition by promoting self-awareness and relaxation
  • More meaningful and pleasurable sexual experiences

Addressing Common Questions and Concerns

While sexual meditation may sound awesome on paper, but that doesn’t mean people won’t experience doubts or concerns.

One concern people have is that sex should not be a discipline—because the idea of discipline runs counter to the idea of sex and letting go, says Dr. Tierney. But this is a misconception, according to Dr. Tierney, and the benefits of the practice outweigh any doubts about intentionality or scheduling.

“This is a hang-up that should be left behind if you want to meet your pleasure and bliss potential together,” he says. If your goal is mind-blowing, sensual sex, you should know that it often takes practice and discipline, Dr. Tierney says.

Another question people have about sexual meditation is: “Am I doing it right?” Howard says that any suggestions about sexual meditations are just that—suggestions. You get to decide what feels right for your body, and what meditative sex means to you. “Explore to find out what works best for you,” Howard recommends.

Finally, people often feel concern that sexual meditation will take out the mystery behind sex or make it less spontaneous or romantic. But Cress says you don’t need to worry about that. “With guidance and practice, individuals often find that sexual meditation enhances rather than detracts from the natural flow of intimacy, helping them to become more present and connected,” she assures.

Conclusion

If you are looking to have more sensational sex—sex where all of your senses are awakened and on fire—sexual meditation might be just what you need. Sexual meditation is just what it sounds like: it means practicing mindfulness, intentionality, and bodily/emotional awareness during sexual acts.2 It’s not for everyone, but people who practice it often experience increased pleasure, deeper connection, and more meaningful sex.

Please contact a licensed mental health professional or a sex educator if you would like more information about sexual meditation or if you have general questions about sex and sexuality.

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