— Many young people are abstaining from sex and call themselves celibate. But what’s the difference between abstinence vs celibacy?
By Daryl Austin
Once thought to be largely motivated by religious beliefs, celibacy has become a popular way for people to reconnect with themselves, gain control over sexual desires and find more meaningful relationships. Some people refraining from sex say they practice abstinence — but is there a difference between abstinence and celibacy?
A multitude of influencers and celebrities have publicly touted not having sex. Actor Andrew Garfield has been public about trying out celibacy for a time; ditto for Justin Bieber. Musician Lenny Kravitz said in an interview that he has been celibate for years for spiritual reasons; and singer and model Suki Waterhouse has credited her “bout of celibacy” for helping her end up in a happy relationship with boyfriend Robert Pattinson.
According to Psychology Today research from July 2024, about 1 in 6 women and 1 in 10 men say they are deliberately taking a break from sex and dating,
While experts can’t isolate the increasing rates of celibacy or abstinence to one factor alone, they do speak about some of the reasons more people are engaging in the practice — plus some of the upsides or downsides that may come from doing so.
Are abstinence and celibacy the same thing?
Sexual abstinence and celibacy are both terms that refer to choosing not to have sex or partake in certain sexual behaviors, and they are often used interchangeably. However, they differ depending on the intention behind not having sex.
“Celibacy is often associated with religious vows or motivation,” Kim Polinder, a certified relationship coach and the host of the podcast “Engineering Love,” tells TODAY.com.
When one chooses celibacy for spiritual reasons, it usually means refraining from all sexual activity, whereas abstinence usually means refraining from specific sexual activities for a specific time period or under specific circumstances, such as wanting to wait to have sex until marriage. “Abstinence can be more flexible,” where celibacy is more of “a long-term choice,” she says.
Brooke Sprowl, a licensed therapist and the clinical director of My LA Therapy in California, agrees. “Celibacy is a conscious, often long-term commitment rooted in deeper personal or spiritual beliefs,” she tells TODAY.com.
“When someone chooses celibacy, they’re often embracing a lifestyle that prioritizes their emotional, spiritual or personal growth over the complexities that sexual relationships can bring — a choice that’s intertwined with a larger purpose but doesn’t have to be related to spiritual devotion.”
Can you kiss and still be celibate?
Some people practicing celibacy kiss, whereas others do not. That’s because the specific sexual activities a person chooses to refrain from are entirely up to the individual.
“When people define themselves as celibate, whether for a period of time or as a lifestyle commitment, they can place the boundary wherever they choose,” Dr. Donald Cole, a licensed marriage and family counselor and clinical director of the Gottman Institute in Seattle, tells TODAY.com.
Some people, he says, choose no sexual activity at all. Others allow only kissing, some choose to draw the line at the touching of breasts or genitals, and others say only intercourse is off limits.
“The key is that celibacy is a personal decision, with each person defining what it means for them based on their unique motivations and values,” says Sprowl.
Why do people choose to be celibate?
There are a variety of reasons people choose to be celibate.
Religion or spirituality
“Ascribing to religious or spiritual beliefs is the most common reason for celibacy,” Dr. Paul Turek, a men’s fertility physician and the director of the Turek Clinic in San Francisco, tells TODAY.com.
When motivated by religious beliefs, Polinder says that celibacy can help one better focus on spiritual service and a deeper connection to a higher power.
“Others might choose celibacy for purity reasons, such as ‘saving yourself’ before marriage, to maintain moral integrity, or as a way to create space for focusing on personal growth,” she says.
Taking control of one’s body
“Abstinence is … a way to assert control over one’s physical body, rejecting societal pressures or expectations around expected sexual behavior,” says Polinder.
Individuals who have experienced sexual trauma might also choose celibacy or abstinence “to heal from the negative experience,” says Cole.
Improving relationship quality
Sometimes, Sprowl says, individuals choose celibacy or abstinence “as a way to break free from unhealthy patterns of codependency or to avoid the emotional entanglements … that can come with sexual relationships.”
Polinder explains that “other people wish to remain celibate while in a relationship until a certain level of trust and commitment are achieved.”
Avoiding health risks of sex
“Some people choose celibacy to avoid certain consequences of having sex — including painful sex, sexually transmitted infections, unwanted pregnancy or undesired emotions,” Turek adds.
What are the benefits of being celibate?
“The benefits of celibacy can be profound,” says Sprowl.
Self-reflection
The first benefit Sprowl points to is “allowing individuals to better understand their own needs and desires without the complications that often accompany sexual relationships.” It can also “(offer) a space for deep self-reflection and the development of a stronger sense of self.”
Personal growth
Cole says celibacy can help one focus more time and energy “on work, education or personal growth.” It can also facilitate healing from a negative relationship or provide a sense of safety, “as meeting people and beginning relationships sometimes creates unexpected dangers and anxieties, which are avoided by celibacy.”
Turek adds: “Celibacy can also bolster personal character traits such as restraint, patience and compassion.”
Avoiding health risks from sex
Turek says that abstaining from sex also has the practical benefits of no longer needing birth control, lowering risk of sexually transmitted infections and avoiding unplanned pregnancies.
Prioritizing emotional intimacy
Celibacy can give a couple in a new relationship “the opportunity to focus on their friendship first in order to create more meaningful emotional intimacy rather than sexual chemistry alone,” says Polinder. “Abstinence can remove the emotional roller coaster ride that can accompany sexual relationships.”
Are there downsides to being celibate?
“Celibacy isn’t without its challenges,” says Sprowl. It can sometimes lead to feelings of loneliness or isolation, “particularly if the choice to be celibate results in fewer intimate relationships.”
If the decision to practice celibacy isn’t adequately thought out, it can “lead to internal conflict, frustration, or feelings of shame,” she adds.
Polinder agrees: “A lack of intimate connection with others can lead to a heightened sense of disconnection and loneliness if one is not prepared for this lifestyle choice.”
In other circumstances, “celibacy may lead to sexual frustration and feeling overwhelmed, inadequate or uncool,” adds Turek.
And if your romantic partner is not aligned with your celibacy or abstinence commitment, “the decision can strain the relationship or lead to maladaptive behaviors within the relationship,” says Cole.
But if you’ve heard that celibacy can affect male fertility, Turek says not to worry: “The reality is that celibacy has no effect on fertility potential, as the male body has ways of keeping fertility fresh though nocturnal emissions.”
How long to be celibate
If you’re interested in trying out celibacy to see if it improves your wellbeing, there’s no specific amount of time you must refrain from sex in order to notice benefits, the experts say.
That’s why Polinder suggests starting with a trial period, such as a few months. “The trial period allows you to re-evaluate matters at the end without losing integrity with yourself for not pursuing it indefinitely,” she explains.
To decide how long to be celibate, you should also have a clear goal for your celibacy. This way, when you feel you’ve achieved it, you can assess if you want to continue with the practice, Polinder says.
Last, be hyperaware of any changes in your circumstances or motivations for being celibate, Turek advises. Experiencing more negatives than positives may be a sign you’ve have tried celibacy for long enough.
Tips for trying celibacy
The No. 1 tip from experts is to make sure you have clear goals for the period of time you’re abstaining from sex.
To help make your celibacy journey more successful, you should also feel confident that you have “sufficient emotional awareness and maturity to navigate (celibacy’s) complexities,” Sprowl says.
“It’s also beneficial to seek guidance, whether through therapy or supportive communities, to help navigate any challenges that arise and to ensure that your practice of celibacy is fulfilling and … contributes to your overall mental, spiritual and emotional wellbeing,” she adds.
Polinder says it’s important to keep checking in with yourself about how the practice is making you feel and affecting your relationships. For example, are you feeling more centered and grounded, or experiencing loneliness and frustration?
Turek cautions that celibacy isn’t for everyone.
“What’s key is to do it for yourself and no one else,” he says. “Otherwise confusion, resentment, self-blame and guilt will surface and erase intended benefits. … Celibacy should be followed as long as the sum total of benefits outweigh the negative.”
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