Tag: Intimacy

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6 Books About Nonmonogamy

— These titles can offer insight, whether you’re polycurious or already exploring.

By Hope Reese

When Mel Cassidy first became curious about nonmonogamy, there weren’t many helpful resources. Most of the books focused on the transition from monogamy to nonmonogamy, but Cassidy, who goes by them/them pronouns, was “freshly divorced, hadn’t really dated as an adult.”

“I was winging it,” said Cassidy, who has since become a relationship coach who specializes in consensual nonmonogamy.

Recently, however, there has been an explosion of literature on the topic, including books about polyamory and other types of open relationships. And more people are interested, too: A 2023 Pew Research survey found that 51 percent of adults under 30 considered open marriages “acceptable,” and a 2016 study of single adults in the United States has shown that more than 20 percent have experimented with some form of consensual nonmonogamy.

But even as these relationship styles become more common, there are lots of details to figure out. Partners have to decide on the approach that works best for them. There are also sexual and emotional concerns to parse when bringing new partners into the mix, said Shadeen Francis, a sex and relationship therapist based in Philadelphia.

Good books can help nonmonogamous partners “develop compassion or positive empathy for one another,” said Marie Thouin, a dating and relationship coach and researcher based in the San Francisco Bay Area. They can remind you that “you’re not alone in your choice,” she added.

We spoke to more than a dozen relationship experts and researchers for their book recommendations — whether you’re in a nonmonogamous relationship or interested in exploring.

The book cover for "Polysecure" by Jessica Fern is yellow with white circles behind the text.

1. Polysecure by Jessica Fern

Insecurity often crops up in nonmonogamous relationships, Dr. Thouin said, and this title from 2020 addresses it through the lens of attachment theory, which examines how early relationships shape adult connections, especially romantic ones.

“It’s the first book I give to people,” said Michael Grey, a relationship therapist based in Irvine, Calif. Beyond helping people become more secure, he said, it also addresses how trauma can affect your love life. Your experience with trauma can influence how safe you feel within a relationship, he said, “especially in the context of nonmonogamy or polyamory.”

Ms. Fern’s book emphasizes that we have to work on our bonds, even when they’re spread among multiple partners. We shouldn’t “take each other for granted or go on autopilot,” Cassidy said. This is important, they said, because, ultimately, “it doesn’t matter what your attachment style is; what matters is how you choose to show up.”

The book cover of "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy is black on top and purple at the bottom. There is a graphic of four silhouetted people holding hands at the bottom.

2. The Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton

For Elyssa Helfer, a marriage therapist and sex therapist based in Los Angeles — and for many other experts — this book, published in 1997, was the first one they encountered on nonmonogamy. It “offers a comprehensive look at not just what nonmonogamy is, but how it can be practiced,” Dr. Helfer said, with a “big emphasis on consent and safety.”

The advice in this book, which presents tools for working through jealousy, applies to both those who are new to nonmonogamy and those who have been practicing it for a while.

It also “encourages people to explore their sexuality freely without guilt, shame or repression,” said Dr. Grey, helping people shed the stigma of having more than one romantic partner. “It’s about how to build trust and maintain integrity in your relationships,” he said.

The book cover for "Monogamy? In This Economy?" by Laura Boyle is dark purple with yellow text.

3. Monogamy? In this Economy? by Laura Boyle

Ms. Boyle presents lots of good advice for addressing practical challenges that often arise when polyamorous partners are living with one another, said Kathy Labriola, a nurse and counselor in Berkeley, Calif.

Published in 2024, the book offers “the pragmatic side of things,” said Sam Allen, a clinical assistant professor at the Family Institute at Northwestern University. It can help readers think through choices like which partners live together and how to parent children, he said.

Though complications can arise, Ms. Boyle highlights the benefits of nonmonogamy, Dr. Labriola said. “Living with multiple adults means that the family has more people contributing income,” she said.

The book cover of Opening Up by Tristan Taormino features of photo of two people holding hands. The background color is a gradient of orange to white.

4. Opening Up by Tristan Taormino

For anyone who wants to explore more about the ethics of nonmonogamy, this is a great pick, Ms. Francis said. “Opening Up,” first published in 2008, examines topics like “disclosing your number of partners, your sexual health status, how you handle sexual health and how you introduce additional partners into your dynamic,” she explained.

Meant for couples who want to move beyond their dyad, the book is broken into three parts that tackle creating a relationship style and dynamic you want and sustaining it long term, said Jeremy Shub, a sex coach and educator based in Berlin.

“It’s not dogmatic or shaming, but offers a lot of invitations for reflections,” said Ms. Francis, who added that it’s a great book to read with your partner.

The book cover for "Love's Not Colorblind" by Kevin Patterson is black with white text. The word "color" is in rainbow colors.

5. Love’s Not Color Blind by Kevin Patterson

Mr. Patterson is an educator who launched Poly Role Models, a series of interviews that highlight people’s experiences with polyamory. His 2018 book is a “brilliant sociological commentary,” exploring issues of race in nonmonogamous communities, said Dr. Helfer, who listed it as required reading for one of her courses.

“Stories about nonmonogamy tend to focus on young, fairly wealthy or middle-class white, cisgender people, in particular, and white heterosexual people,” Ms. Francis said. “To see yourself reflected in a narrative that is outside of that,” she added, “is an invitation to consider the ways that race and ethnicity and identity impact the ways that we date, the ways that we build communities, the ways that we love, and the ways that we create relationships.”

The book cover for "Multiamory" by Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren, and Emily Sotelo Matlak is purple with a graphic of a wrench holding a heart behind the text.

6. Multiamory by Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren and Emily Sotelo Matlack

Written in 2023 by three educators who host the “Multiamory” podcast, this book addresses common issues that pop up in the early stages of nonmonogamy, Ms. Francis said. For example, many couples deal with logistical challenges like time management, which can be addressed by using shared calendars, she said.

The advice found in “Multiamory” extends beyond nonmonogamous relationships, offering “good communication tools for all relationships,” Cassidy said. The authors provide formulas and “microscripts,” that couples can use to talk about issues that arise. A script can be “really helpful in having difficult conversations,” Cassidy explained. “It can empower you with a little more courage.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Project 2025 Seeks to Obliterate Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights

— The far-right blueprint would severely limit reproductive autonomy and access to reproductive healthcare, while turning back the clock on hard-won gains, both domestically and globally.

People attend the Our Bodies Our Lives Rally for Reproductive Freedom at the Bayfront Amphitheater on Sept. 14, 2024, in Miami. The rally was held to advocate for the passage of Amendment 4, which will be on Florida’s ballot, which would protect the right to abortion in the state.

By , and

Project 2025 promotes a presidential agenda that rolls back civil and human rights and implements extremist conservative policies across every federal department and agency. Its sweeping far-right policy framework, by the conservative think tank the Heritage Foundation, includes numerous attacks on sexual and reproductive health and rights.

The plan’s far-reaching recommendations would severely limit reproductive autonomy and access to reproductive healthcare, while turning back the clock on hard-won gains, both domestically and globally. This fact sheet enumerates some of the agenda’s most serious threats to sexual and reproductive health and describes potential effects.

1. Threats to Medication Abortion

Project 2025 proposes several strategies for restricting—and ultimately eliminating—access to mifepristone, an extremely safe and effective medication used in the most common regimen for medication abortion in the United States.

  • The plan proposes reinstating medically unnecessary restrictions on mifepristone that require in-person dispensing and limit who can prescribe and receive the medication. By effectively ending telehealth provision of the method, these restrictions would limit access to the method for anyone who faces barriers to reaching a brick-and-mortar clinic, including individuals receiving telehealth care (under the protection of shield laws) in states where abortion is banned.
  • It also recommends revoking mifepristone’s U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approval, which would remove the drug from the market entirely. Nearly two-thirds of all abortions provided by clinicians are medication abortions, and the vast majority of them use the combined regimen of mifepristone and misoprostol. Although use of misoprostol alone is also safe and effective, it is unclear how widely this regimen would be offered by providers, or taken up by patients, if mifepristone were no longer available.
  • Decreasing access to medication abortion by either mechanism could in turn increase demand for procedural care, placing additional strain on clinics and increasing wait time for patients.
  • Project 2025 suggests that a hostile administration could bypass the FDA and effectively ban medication abortion—and potentially all abortions—through enforcement of the Comstock Act, an 1873 anti-obscenity law that prohibits mailing anything “intended for producing abortion.” The law could be used to prevent the distribution of medication and supplies needed for abortion care and if applied broadly, it could result in a nationwide total abortion ban.

2. Broader Attacks on Abortion Access

Project 2025 also seeks to dismantle U.S. abortion access in a number of other ways.

  • The plan calls on Congress to codify into law the Hyde and Weldon Amendments, harmful policies that limit access to abortion care in the United States by restricting the use of federal funds for abortion care and coverage.
  • It also proposes a full audit of Hyde compliance, including reviewing Biden administration executive actions and Medicaid-managed care in “pro-abortion states.” These investigations may suggest an intention to retaliate against states where state Medicaid funds are used—entirely legally—to provide abortion care. In reality, the documented violations of the Hyde Amendment involve the opposite: states refusing to cover abortion care under circumstances where Medicaid coverage is mandated.

3. Denying Access to Abortion Care in Emergency Situations

Project 2025 calls for the Department of Health and Human Services to dismantle the abortion protections provided under the Emergency Medical Treatment and Labor Act (EMTALA), a federal policy that outlines requirements for emergency departments that receive Medicare funds.

  • The plan recommends rescinding Biden administration guidance from 2022 stating that people needing abortion care as part of emergency treatment are entitled to that care under federal law, even in states where abortion is banned. It would also end investigations into cases where patients’ rights were violated by denial of necessary emergency abortion care.
  • Further, it seeks to eliminate injunctions against states that have violated EMTALA and recommends that the Department of Justice withdraw from all ongoing litigation where it is currently defending the right to emergency abortion care.
  • Refusal to enforce EMTALA’s protections for abortion care puts pregnant people’s lives in jeopardy, by forcing providers to risk criminal charges if they perform potentially lifesaving abortion care.

4. Increasing Misinformation, Disinformation and Stigma

Project 2025 aims to implement a broad anti-sexual and reproductive health and rights agenda across the government—including by changing the mandate of key agencies and rewording policies to stigmatize and delegitimize sexual and reproductive health terms and concepts.

  • The plan proposes changing the Department of Health and Human Services into the Department of Life, complete with an anti-abortion task force to replace the existing Reproductive Healthcare Task Force and a newly created position of “Special Representative for Domestic Women’s Health” to lead anti-abortion policy efforts across agencies.
  • It recommends deleting all terms related to gender, gender equality, reproductive health, reproductive rights, abortion, sexual orientation and gender identity from all legislation, federal rules, agency regulations, contracts, agency websites and grants. Likewise, it encourages the use of U.S. influence at the United Nations to remove language “promoting abortion” from U.N. documents, policy statements and technical literature.
  • Project 2025 uses charged, medically inaccurate anti-abortion rhetoric—including language falsely portraying abortion as unsafe—to break down support for abortion rights and bolster efforts to criminalize providers, misuse laws and regulations meant to protect against discrimination, and ultimately cut off access to abortion care.
  • The agenda also uses the false implication that abortion is unsafe to justify proposals to increase pregnancy and abortion surveillance at the federal level. The plan suggests mandated reporting of abortions—as well as of miscarriages and stillbirths—by all states (using denial of federal funding streams as means of enforcement). The potential weaponization of this data collection by a hostile administration poses an immediate threat to abortion providers and patients, and it paves the way for increased criminalization of pregnancy outcomes other than abortion.
  • Project 2025 seeks to redefine basic sexual health education as “pornography”—and then to make pornography illegal—and also recommends replacing comprehensive sex education with abstinence-only curricula.

5. Weaponization of Federal Medicaid Dollars

Project 2025 calls for the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS) to encourage states to eliminate all Planned Parenthood facilities from their state Medicaid programs, as some states have attempted in the past. It also suggests that CMS create a new regulation that would disqualify abortion providers nationwide.

  • This would have disastrous effects on access to basic health care services, particularly family planning, with other safety-net providers unable to increase their capacity to fill the gap that would be left if federal funding were pulled from Planned Parenthood and other reproductive health providers.
  • The agenda also makes baseless claims that some states are violating the Weldon Amendment by requiring coverage of abortion care in private insurance plans. Project 2025 calls for withdrawing partial Medicaid funds from these states in retaliation—a weaponization of funding that provides crucial health insurance for people with low incomes.

6. Attacks on Contraception

Project 2025 seeks to severely undermine two cornerstones of U.S. contraceptive provision: Title X, the national publicly funded family planning program, and the federal contraceptive coverage guarantee of the Affordable Care Act.

  • The plan proposes reinstating the harmful “domestic gag rule,” which would prohibit health care providers who receive Title X funding from providing abortion referrals and would require them to be physically and financially separated from any abortion-related activities, including counseling. Within about a year of this policy going into effect in 2019 (before it was rescinded in 2021), hundreds of clinics left the program and the number of patients served dropped by 2.4 million.
  • Project 2025 goes further and recommends legislation that would prohibit Title X funding from going to entities that perform or help fund abortion care. Legislating such a policy makes it harder to reverse in the future (compared with administrative rulemaking); it would also disqualify providers who meet the gag rule’s already stringent requirements.
  • In addition, the plan calls for broadening the contraceptive coverage guarantee’s existing religious and moral exemptions to make it easier for any employer—including large, for-profit corporations—to exclude contraceptive coverage from their employees’ health plan. Such exemptions deny people reproductive autonomy and access to needed health care, while over a decade of evidence show that the coverage guarantee reduced patients’ costs and helped them to use the birth control method of their choice and to use it effectively.

7. Impact on Reproductive Health Worldwide

Project 2025 also seeks to leverage U.S. influence to undermine sexual and reproductive health and rights globally, including by cutting U.S. financial support to countries and initiatives.

  • It proposes immediately reinstating the global gag rule, which would prevent non-U.S. NGOs from receiving U.S. government global health assistance if they used their own, non-U.S. funds to provide abortion services, information, counseling, referrals or advocacy. Past iterations of the rule have detrimentally impacted reproductive health outcomes, systems and services by decreasing access to contraceptive services and leading to clinic closures.
  • Project 2025 wants to take the policy further and have it apply to all U.S. foreign assistance, including humanitarian aid.
  • The plan also proposes blocking funding to the United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA) which provides a wide range of critical sexual and reproductive health services to women and girls globally. When funding to UNFPA was withheld by the Trump-Pence administration, it caused a significant disruption to service delivery.
  • Project 2025 wants to impose its anti-rights ideology at the United Nations, too. It suggests expanding on the Trump-Pence administration’s Geneva Consensus Declaration on Women’s Health and Protection of the Family, an anti-rights, anti-abortion, anti-gender joint statement that undermines human rights (although that declaration was nonbinding and was never adopted by the U.N.).

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why We Need to Prioritize Pleasure-Centric Approaches in Sex Education

— The risk-reduction framework that guides most U.S. sex ed focuses almost exclusively on avoiding unintended pregnancy and STDs—overlooking other critical topics such as healthy relationships, consent and pleasure.

By and

In her essay collection Pleasure Activism, activist adrienne maree brown writes, “Pleasure activism asserts that we all need and deserve pleasure and that our social structures must reflect this. … Pleasure activism acts from an analysis that pleasure is a natural, safe and liberated part of life—and that we can offer each other tools and education to make sure sex, desire, connection, and other pleasures aren’t life-threatening or harming, but life-enriching.”

With a new school year in full swing and elections around the corner, it’s only normal that we’re feeling anxious about what could happen this fall. This is especially true for young people, whose sexual and reproductive freedom hangs in the balance as we face abortion bans, attacks on trans care, birth control and more. But what’s a better antidote for anxiety, than empowering youth with pleasure-centric tools and resources that allow them to reclaim control of their bodily autonomy?

Pleasure-inclusive sex education increases sexual self-esteem, sexual self-confidence and safe choices.

As the coordinator of a Youth Health Promoters program at Planned Parenthood of Greater New York, I meet throughout the year with a cohort of highly trained, high school-aged peer educators who facilitate evidence-based sexuality trainings to community partners and organizations. I encourage them to be agents of sex education amongst their peers in a way that feels accessible, shame-free and moves away from a ‘good versus bad’ binary thinking. In this role, I have real-time knowledge of the kind of methods that resonate with youth the most.

Talking about sex in a judgment-free and positive environment that makes participants feel empowered rather than ashamed or guilty, is far more effective than talking about infections or the risk of an unwanted pregnancy. When youth are immersed in a hyper-sexualized digital world and have unlimited access to information at their fingertips, the power of peer-to-peer training—paired with evidence-based knowledge and studies—could help them filter through all of it and build better discernment for a healthier sex life.

Despite being considered a leading state for sexual and reproductive health access, New York lags tremendously when it comes to comprehensive sex education.

  • According to a 2022 ACLU report, about 50 percent of high school students in New York reported engaging in sexual intercourse, and of these, only 11 percent reported using a prevention method to protect against unplanned pregnancy and STIs.
  • Teenagers ages 15 to 19 represent more than 50 percent of new STI cases in New York state, and 10 percent of New York teenagers report experiencing physical dating violence.
  • Comprehensive sex ed is not a requirement in most public school curriculums, and the few that do have them are often outdated, inaccurate and stigmatizing.

This lack of nuance and initiative is largely due to an approach that emphasizes abstinence and decenters pleasure.

According to a 2022 systemic review done by The Pleasure Project and The World Health Organization, pleasure-inclusive and -centric sex education increases sexual self-esteem, sexual self-confidence and safe choices. The review found that sexual health programs that include sexual desire: (1.) improve knowledge and attitudes around sex and (2.) increase condom use, which has direct implications for reductions in HIV and STIs. Developing sexual confidence can also prevent dating and sexual violence.

Pleasure-centric sex ed also helps create a more inclusive classroom environment for students who already face a myriad of biases when it comes to their sexuality and gender: LGBTQ+ students, BIPOC students, or students with learning or developmental disabilities. And if a systemic review isn’t enough, according to new nationwide polling commissioned by Planned Parenthood Federation of America, over 9 in 10 adults think it’s important for young people to have access to age-appropriate sex education that covers a wide range of topics.

When our sex education curriculums are already so precarious, we must think about effective approaches to comprehensive sex ed—which has proven more effective than abstinence programs and risk-focused messaging—and how we can ensure those approaches are prioritized in our classrooms.

While other aspects of comprehensive sex education are just as important—such as teaching youth about sexually transmitted infections, testing and treatment, or the different options for birth control—having a pleasure-centric approach empowers young people to make informed decisions and exhibit autonomy in how they engage with pleasure and sex, if at all.

What Does Pleasure-Centric Sex Ed Look Like?

Prioritizing pleasure-centric approaches in our classrooms could look like creating a curriculum that talks about masturbation as a healthy and safe way to explore sexuality. Contrary to a regressive belief that sex ed encourages young people to have sex, using the classroom to debunk all the myths associated with masturbation, does just the opposite: It allows young people to explore pleasure and preferences in their own bodies, without having to resort to a partner or a source outside of themselves.

By asking students to reflect on what’s important for them in relationships and encouraging effective communication around play, orgasms, preferences, consent or connection, we create an environment where any question is valid, where body parts and accurate terms are openly discussed, and where young people can resort to each other for fact-based information. When comprehensive sex education is pleasure-centric, it emphasizes that sexual activity should be pleasure-focused.

This year alone, at least 135 bills related to sex education have been introduced or implemented across the U.S., a majority of which would place more extreme restrictions on sex education in public schools and further digress our relationship with pleasure. At a time when sex education is increasingly under attack, not talking about sex gives the power away to anti-progress agents who are committed to tearing apart our reproductive rights and controlling our bodies.

By centering peer-to-peer conversations on what makes us feel good—physically, mentally and emotionally—we establish a culture where joy, freedom and autonomy are prioritized and healthier schools, communities and relationships are created.

In the words of adrienne maree brown: “We are in a time of fertile ground for learning how we align our pleasures with our values … and getting into a practice of saying an orgasmic yes together.”

We must make sure all of us—not only our youth—have the correct skills to navigate the ebbs and flows of our sexual and reproductive futures. But what better place to start, than in our classrooms?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Seven Ways to Love Better

— Reading some 200,000 love stories has taught me a few lessons about love and life. Here are the ones that help me most.

By Daniel Jones

Two decades ago, on Oct. 31, 2004, a short note appeared on the front page of this newspaper along with stories about Yasir Arafat’s health and the looming election between George W. Bush and John Kerry. It read: “Modern Love: Introducing a new weekly column about love and relationships. Today, Steve Friedman says he is just fine after getting dumped. Just fine. Really.”

So began my long, strange trip editing Modern Love, talking to strangers every week about the most intimate details of their romantic, familial and platonic entanglements — and then publishing their stories for hundreds of thousands or even millions of readers.

I never dreamed I would still be doing this job 20 years and some 200,000 submissions later, but it has been a wonderful run. Over time, with the help of my colleague, Miya Lee, Modern Love has grown to include a podcast, books, live performances, another weekly column of 100-word Tiny Love Stories, and television shows in the United States, India, Japan and the Netherlands.

Modern Love began the same year as Facebook, three years before iPhones, eight years before Tinder, and 11 years before same-sex marriage became legal nationwide. The world has changed a lot in two decades, and my life changed, too. When this column started, I was 41, married for 12 years, with two children in grade school. Now I am 61, separated for three years, my two children having long left home for jobs and lives of their own.

I published hundreds of stories about separation, divorce, online dating and blended families without ever thinking they might one day apply to me.

I read tens of thousands of essays about the death of a loved one without having experienced that myself — until earlier this year when my father died.

Millions of readers have been helped by the many raw and inspiring stories of people trying to grow and change after a relationship’s end. Now those stories are helping me.

Recently I joked to my friend and Modern Love podcast host Anna Martin that this column has become like a 401(k) plan for me — only it’s an annuity of life lessons. For all these years I poured my ideas, skills and heart into this column, and now it’s giving back, not in dollars but in hard-earned wisdom. Good thing there’s no penalty for early withdrawals.

Here I present — with gratitude to this column’s wise, brave and generous writers — the seven lessons that have helped me most.

Love is more like a basketball than a vase.

Relationships involve conflicts that can lead either to intimacy or distance, to bonding or rupturing, depending on how you handle them. How you negotiate conflict may prove to be the single most important indicator of your compatibility.

I have never been comfortable with conflict, but I’m trying to get better at it. Which is why Thomas Hooven’s 2013 essay, “Nursing a Wound in an Appropriate Setting,” affected me so deeply. Thomas was like me in many ways, thinking a romantic relationship was supposed to be a refuge from conflict, not a source of it. He and his fiancée had both emerged from difficult childhoods to find peace with each other, but anything other than peace felt threatening.

His fiancée, perhaps sensing the fragility of this dynamic, broke off their engagement just three weeks before their wedding, devastating him.

Off Thomas went to his medical residency in pediatrics, which became his boot camp in learning the complexities and dark corners of love. He emerged more fully human, and stronger.

“By the time I met my wife,” he writes, “I was a changed man and a real doctor. And our love developed differently from any I had experienced before. Less like a crystal vase, more like a basketball, our relationship is made for bouncing — for the good and sometimes rough play that modern professional lives generate. We do have fights (oh, yes, we do), but they do not threaten our foundation. They deepen it.”

The most popular Modern Love article of all time, “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love,” has been read by more than 75 million people. Nothing I have (or will ever) put out into the world will effect more positive change than that short article.

My hope is that most readers absorbed the simple truth that being curious about people you meet is far more seductive than talking about your accomplishments. The most common complaint I hear (by far) about bad first dates is of people droning on about themselves and not asking questions. So skip the self-promotion. Be curious instead. If you need prompts, here are 36 of them.

Be present, especially with your loved ones.

My son is 26, but when he was a little boy, I used to read to him every night, the two of us curled up in a big chair, as I had done with my daughter before him. In his case, though, I had read his favorite books so many times that he learned to recite them from memory as I flipped the pages, even though he didn’t yet know how to read.

I wish I could go back to that time. The paradox of early parenthood is that it can be as stressful as it is joyful, and you often need to push yourself to relax into those precious moments.

Chris Huntington, in his essay, “Learning to Measure Time in Love and Loss,” writes about a having a similar routine with his son, with the twist that every night they also share their best and worst moments of the day. One night, preoccupied with his litany of worries, Chris realizes something is missing, and says, “We forgot to do best and worst moments. What was your best moment of the day?”

“This is, Daddy,” his son says, nudging his chin into his father’s shoulder. “This is.”

Tears sprung from my eyes the first time I read that line, and I never forgot its lesson: Be in the moment. Stop thinking about the future or the past, about what may or may not happen, and put away your phone. If a child in your lap asks about the best part of your day, say, “This is.”

Write well, love well.

The editor in me has noticed over time that the qualities of good personal writing — honesty, generosity, open-mindedness, curiosity, humor and humility — are the same as the qualities of someone with whom you would want to have a relationship.

Likewise, the qualities of bad personal writing — dishonesty, withholding, blame, pettiness, dismissiveness and egotism — are the same as the qualities of someone with whom you would not want to have a relationship.

This does not mean that good writers have good relationships or that bad writers have bad relationships. It does mean that you should strive to be honest, generous, open-minded, curious, funny and humble both in writing and in love.

Always lead with empathy.

This is simple to state, hard to practice. But I think often of a former Canadian soldier, Benjamin Hertwig, whose essay, “In the Waiting Room of Estranged Spouses,” chronicles his discovery that his wife was having an affair.

They separate, and in seeking help, Benjamin finds himself in a psychologist’s waiting room with the wife of his ex’s lover, a woman named Catherine. Incredibly, she has an appointment to see the same psychologist around the same time for the same reason. Catherine has a toddler son, and Benjamin ends up hanging out with them and feeling close to the boy. But he remains angry and bitter about the affair.

One day he encounters his ex-wife’s lover in the grocery store, a man he has hated and had nightmares about. But nothing much happens. The other guy meekly asks if he wants to have a beer and talk about it, which Benjamin scoffs at. But as he writes, “I couldn’t summon any real anger. He was just a young boy’s tired father. He wasn’t even unkind.”

“In the months that followed,” he continues, “thinking of my ex-wife’s lover as that sweet boy’s father was somehow very helpful for me. I had held Catherine’s boy, felt the good weight of his body, and eventually I learned that it’s hard to hate a person when that person was a part of bringing something good into the world.”

A compatibility question on a dating app asks if you would choose to live forever if you could. Many people say yes, which always surprises me: Have they considered what living forever would mean? Nothing that’s limitless can be precious. Life and love are fleeting, which is why we hold onto them so dearly.

This point was driven home by Alisha Gorder in “One Bouquet of Fleeting Beauty, Please,” in which she writes about the flower shop where she worked in Portland, Ore. Alisha ruminates on the meaning of flowers at special occasions — weddings, funerals — and how they lose their petals and shrivel so quickly. Why do we treasure flowers, she wonders? Why not something that lasts?

Then Alisha tells us what this story is really about, that her high school boyfriend died by suicide when she was 18, leaving her to make sense of who he was and what they had together. She finds solace in understanding that it’s not that flowers (and love) are beautiful and fleeting; they’re beautiful because they are fleeting. Meaning we must cherish them in the moment, knowing they can’t last. As she puts it, upon seeing a wash of flower petals littering the ground: “How startlingly beautiful impermanence can be.”

There is no rule that a relationship must last a certain amount of time to count as a “success,” just as one that ends hasn’t necessarily “failed.” Every relationship we have, short or long, can be good, essential, even transformative, and have lasting value.

In “The 12-Hour Goodbye,” Miriam Johnson was struggling to get over a breakup. Her boyfriend was leaving her for reasons she couldn’t understand, despite the two of them talking it through for 12 straight hours. She thought they had been so good together. Their relationship had stoked in her a passion to pursue work involving animal welfare. After their split, she stumbled into an opportunity to do so, which helped her restart her life. But she couldn’t get over her ex.

“It’s been a year since we broke up,” she says to her therapist. “I thought my dream job and exercise would heal me, but I still think about him every day. What more can I do to let go?”

“You’re asking the wrong question,” her therapist replies. “It’s not about getting over and letting go. It’s about honoring what happened. You met a person who awoke something in you. A fire ignited. The work is to be grateful. Grateful every day that someone crossed your path and left a mark on you.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Stories That Changed Lives

— For 20 years, Modern Love has recorded people’s lives. The column has also had real-life reverberations on readers.

By Miya Lee

“So what have you learned about love?” people often ask when they find out I’m an editor of Modern Love.

“Oh, you know,” I say, “a lot.” Or, “Most clichés are accurate.” Or I delay, promising, “I’ll tell you later.”

In case we don’t meet again, I’ll tell you now: After 10 years of participating in this unique and precious work alongside my thoughtful boss, Daniel Jones, I’ve learned that love is like a form of energy — sustenance as integral to our existence as food, sunshine and the air we breathe.

And, like energy, I believe love is indestructible, constantly transferred between people, passed down from one generation to the next, durable through time and even death.

Joan Didion was correct when she wrote: “Life changes fast. Life changes in an instant. You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.” Spend two minutes in the Modern Love submission inbox, and you will appreciate life’s fragility. Loved ones suddenly dying or becoming sick; deciding post-affair that they’re done with a two-decade marriage and don’t want any custody of the kids; or revealing a family secret that upends everything.

Just as common, however, are happy happenstances. Falling in love with a man who grew up on the same block as you and worked in the same building, but whom you didn’t meet until a chance midlife encounter. Talking to a stranger on the train who provides sage, unsolicited advice. Or witnessing a hawk — the likes of which you’ve never seen in your neighborhood — swoop down the day you and your wife visit the man who received your late daughter’s organs.

Many therapists insist that we routinely devise narratives about our lives. With Modern Love, I am always struck by a writer’s capacity to take a bad circumstance (or even an ordinary one) and turn it into a profoundly moving, wise or funny story.

Loving — and writing about love — involves choice. The choice to create meaning from raw experience. The choice to be bold and vulnerable, to reach outside yourself, to try to communicate and commune. As bell hooks wrote: “When we choose to love, we choose to move against fear, against alienation and separation. The choice to love is a choice to connect, to find ourselves in the other.”

Below are eight accounts of how the Modern Love column reverberated in readers’ lives — how people around the world chose to move against alienation and instead see themselves in a stranger.

An orange illustration of a mother and son sitting on a giant piece of pizza floating in space.

“As [my son and I] got our slices of pizza … I began a series of proclamations. ‘I will love you whoever you are. I will love you whatever you choose. I will respect the choices you make.’ He looked at me with eyes wide open, as if wondering if he could believe me … ‘You’re only starting to figure out who you’re going to be,’ I said. ‘You don’t have to be held back by what others think of you. You don’t have to match the people who love you.’”

In 2017 I read “Finding God in a Hot Slice of Pizza” from my flat in London. Though I couldn’t relate to the identity crisis of leaving an orthodox religion, I very much related to the trepidation involved in telling someone something that upends how “things should be,” when in my youth I came out to my family as gay.

I always felt from my mum what the author said to her son that day in the pizzeria. My mum lived in Canada (where I am originally from), and sharing newspaper articles over email was a way we stayed connected before she died last December. I sent her this column the day it was published, thanking her for being the type of parent who loved me unconditionally, always letting me choose what kind of person to be (and pizza to eat).

— Luke Costello, 39, London, Modern Love reader for 15 years

A blue and white illustration of storks carrying babies. One stork has just a blanket, no baby.

“Going to the hospital for a stillbirth is the photographic negative of going for a live birth. You carry the overnight bag, check into a room in the maternity ward and so on. But they put a marker on your door to alert the nurse-midwives that, in this room, things are different.”

“My First Son, a Pure Memory,” was published when I was 12 weeks pregnant with our first child. I had learned earlier that week that our daughter had a very high chance of anencephaly. I didn’t realize the gravity of the situation until the doctor asked if I had brought anyone with me to the appointment — I hadn’t. My husband came quickly, but the devastation had already hit me: Our baby was unlikely to survive.

The article was like a blueprint for our next few weeks. Tests were run, diagnosis confirmed, decisions made. I returned to this author’s words time and again.

What I learned most from these lines was empathy. Knowing that someone else had walked this same, very scary path gave me a sense of comfort, which I was then able to pass on to others. Our daughter Abigail was born still on Oct. 16, 2008.

— Margo Bassett, 46, Minneapolis, Modern Love reader for 20 years

An illustration of a man crouched over a crevasse with a woman clinging to him from below.

“When he swept my body under, pinned me down, I felt the fright I knew all too well and did not care to know again. Then that memory crackled, like a glitch in the matrix, a program being overwritten by another … Wedged under him, as the old dread rose and then subsided in my chest, I realized he had really done it. Like an oyster, he had taken the painful grit of my past into the sanctuary of his embrace and smoothed it over into a pearl he was presenting to me.”

This essay, “Pinned Under the Bodies of Men,” took me by surprise as it articulated exactly the vague and sometimes specific fear so many women, including me, feel about physical intimacy with men. Her tribute to her husband — about how one man loving you with his whole being can transform your fear and pain into healing — gives me hope. Having read this, I feel now that maybe there are good loving men out there. Jerrine Tan, thank you so much.

— Suzanne Taylor, 57, Toronto, Modern Love reader for “probably a decade”

An illustration of a woman using a large leaf blower to blow away her husband and his extra clothes.

“Here’s the thing about marriage. We commit to sticking together for richer or poorer, through sickness and health and during good times and bad, assuming that the tough times are the stress test. But what if it’s the opposite? What if the hard times bring out our best and make us focus on what’s important, while the danger zone is when we grow so complacent that we can afford to obsess over a neglected shirt for eight months?”

When I find myself frustrated over the mundane (my husband didn’t clean up coffee grounds, didn’t put ice in the kids’ drinks and tracked in dust from his many garage projects), I think of the shirt in this gem of a Modern Love column. I think of how he’s supported me through a double mastectomy, my father’s death and a tough career situation. I smile at myself the way the author must have and realize that the very fact I have time to be annoyed by coffee grounds means life is A-OK! And then I sweep them up because I have the world’s best husband and, after all, I’m standing right there with a broom.

— Valerie Charles, 44, Kansas City, Mo., Modern Love reader for 15 years

An illustration of a woman looking at caterpillar in a field.

“I’m now 59 with Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. I still don’t have a partner, but I’ve fallen desperately in love with life. … I use each day to soak up the world’s splendor. ‘Not yet,’ I whisper to the heavens. ‘I love it here.’”

I was unprepared to navigate my life after the sudden, traumatizing death of my husband of more than 30 years to Covid. There were months, perhaps years, of despair, endless weeks of insomnia, numerous empty bottles of hard liquor that bore witness to my life’s downward spiral. Grieving is not for the weak. Grieving in a global pandemic that took your loved one is almost intolerable.

Seeing joy in my loved ones’ smiles, noticing nature’s vibrant, ever-changing beauty, hearing a child’s laugh and feeling butterflies when experiencing my “first kiss” after my last “first kiss” in 1986, are reminders that living a deep and meaningful life also includes sorrow and pain. Clare Cory’s Tiny Love Story reminds me that everyone is facing a battle. Our power to savor the gift of existence reaffirms my choice to forge on and continue writing my life’s story.

— Ellynmarie Theep, 63, Barnet, Vt., Modern Love reader for “five plus years”

An illustration of a woman reading a book with a dog looking over her shoulder.

“Some 24 years ago, I fed my child their first meal of solid food, a teaspoon of Gerber rice cereal flakes mixed with breast milk. Today, I spoon homemade cơm and cá kho between their chapped lips, as they murmur gratitude. Their arms are immobile to protect the line of sutures across their chest … They had top surgery so they can be who they feel deep in their soul. I cook Vietnamese food for their recovery so I can assure them they will always be my child.”

I remember taking a screenshot of “They Will Always Be My Child” long before acknowledging to myself that I want top surgery, too. The story parallels much of my own life, and when I read it now, I imagine it from my own mother’s perspective. When she fed me my first meal after adopting me from China. Her watching the countless tennis matches I played in high school and college. While I haven’t had top surgery yet, it’s comforting to realize that my mom would care for me like the mother who wrote the story.

— Lin Robertson, 26, Sacramento, Modern Love reader for “5+ years”

An illustration of a man and woman cut up by a number of horizontal lines.

“By not calling someone, say, ‘my boyfriend,’ he actually becomes something else, something indefinable. And what we have together becomes intangible. And if it’s intangible it can never end because officially there’s nothing to end. And if it never ends, there’s no real closure, no opportunity to move on.”

Almost 10 years after this essay was written, I still refer to people as being someone’s “Jeremy”: A person who is ill-defined — neither a friend nor a lover. It can seem preferable to be a part of something than nothing at all, but when I was going through a bad breakup (with someone I never actually dated), my friend told me, “Just because he never did anything horrible doesn’t mean you should be with him.”

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that it’s better to take a chance on getting rejected. If not, your relationship will always be in limbo, partially created in your head.

— Victoria Yang, 26, Manhattan, N.Y., Modern Love reader “since college in 2016”

An illustration of a woman reaching for another woman who is falling into a vortex.

“Grief is exactly as painful as you think it will be, but with time you will learn to love your sadness because of the tiny shoots of joy and gratitude that sprout around it, like new growth on scorched earth. … As the sun set in fiery streaks over the mountains, I drove back to my family. When a farmer waved at me from inside a beat-up pickup, I thought about the comfort of sturdy, unglamorous things, my marriage among them.”

As an oncologist, I routinely witness — and experience — grief and loss. I often return to Michelle DuBarry’s words as a source of wisdom and comfort. While grappling with the death of a patient, I think about learning to love the sadness that accumulates within me. When I see my patients receive meticulous care and unwavering support from their families at the end of their lives, I think about the beauty of “sturdy, unglamorous” love. My gratitude to Ms. DuBarry for sharing her wise story with us.

— Neha Verma, 31, Baltimore, Modern Love reader for 10 years

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Six Signs You Should Go To Sex Therapy

— Psycho-Sexologist and host of Audible’s ‘Sex Therapy’ podcast, Chantelle Otten, on how it could improve your life.

By Chantelle Otten

If your sex life feels like it’s missing something—be it connection, pleasure, or understanding—it might be time to consider sex therapy. Often misunderstood, sex therapy is a powerful, judgement-free space that’s all about fostering deeper connections, improving communication, and embracing sexual confidence. No one knows this quite like psycho-sexologist and relationship expert Chantelle Otten, whose Audible Original podcast Sex Therapy takes listeners inside her sessions with anonymous, real-life patients. Whether you’re seeking guidance about mismatched libidos or simply after a better understanding of your body and needs, scroll on for the key signs that sex therapy could help you unlock a more fulfilling, empowered sexual life, according to Chantelle.

sex therapy 101

How can sex therapy contribute to one’s overall emotional wellbeing and personal growth?

Sex therapy can have a profound impact on emotional wellbeing and personal growth. Our sexuality is deeply connected to how we feel about ourselves, our relationships, and the world around us. When we’re able to explore and understand our desires, boundaries, and experiences without shame, it opens up space for greater self-awareness and confidence.

Through sex therapy, people can work through feelings of insecurity, past trauma, or relationship challenges that might be holding them back. By addressing these issues, they often find that not only does their sexual health improve, but so does their overall sense of self. It’s about giving people the tools to connect more deeply—with themselves and with others—leading to more fulfilling relationships, better communication, and ultimately, personal growth.

It’s empowering to realise that sexual health is an integral part of emotional wellbeing, and therapy helps people embrace that in a healthy, balanced way.

What are some common misconceptions about sex therapy that might deter people from seeking help?

One of the most common misconceptions about sex therapy is that it’s only for people with extreme issues or dysfunctions, but that’s far from the truth. Sex therapy is for anyone who wants to improve their relationship with their sexual self or their partner. People often assume they’ll be judged, or that it will be awkward, but it’s really about creating a safe, supportive space where they can explore their concerns without fear or shame.

Another misconception is that sex therapy is purely focused on the mechanics of sex. In reality, so much of what we work on is emotional—communication, self-esteem, intimacy, and understanding how past experiences shape current dynamics. It’s about the whole person, not just the physical aspect of sex.

Lastly, some people worry that coming to sex therapy means something is “wrong” with them, but it’s really about growth and empowerment. Seeking help is a positive, proactive step towards better understanding and enhancing your sexual health and relationships.

In what ways can sex therapy address issues beyond sex?

Sex therapy can actually address a wide range of issues that extend beyond just the physical aspects of sex. A lot of the work we do is centred around emotional connection, self-esteem, communication, and intimacy. For example, many people come in thinking their concerns are purely sexual, but often it’s linked to stress, anxiety, or unresolved emotional trauma. By working through these underlying issues, we can help people feel more secure in themselves and their relationships, which has a ripple effect on their overall wellbeing.

We also explore relationship dynamics—how partners interact, communicate, and express their needs. These skills translate into other areas of life, like building stronger emotional resilience and improving self-awareness. It’s about learning to connect with yourself and others in a more meaningful, authentic way, which ultimately enhances both your sexual and emotional life. So while the focus might start with sex, the impact of therapy can be much broader.

How does sex therapy integrate with other forms of therapy or counselling to provide a well-rounded approach to mental health?

Sex therapy often works hand-in-hand with other forms of therapy or counselling, creating a more holistic approach to mental health. Our sexual wellbeing is deeply intertwined with our emotional, psychological, and relational health, so it’s important to treat the whole person. If a client is already working with a psychologist or counsellor, sex therapy can complement that by focusing specifically on the sexual and relational aspects of their life.

For instance, if someone is dealing with anxiety, depression, or trauma, those issues often impact their sexual experiences or how they connect with a partner. In sex therapy, we can work through those concerns in a way that addresses both the emotional and sexual sides of things. By integrating approaches, we create a safe, cohesive space where clients can explore all aspects of their mental health without compartmentalising one part of their life from another. It’s all about treating the person as a whole, not just focusing on isolated symptoms.

What role does open communication play in the success of sex therapy, and how is this cultivated in sessions?

Open communication is absolutely essential to the success of sex therapy. So much of the work we do revolves around helping people feel comfortable enough to express their needs, desires, and boundaries—often for the first time. In therapy, we create a space where clients feel safe to talk openly without fear of judgement or shame, which is key to making progress.

In sessions, this is cultivated by encouraging honest, non-confrontational dialogue. We explore how to communicate clearly and compassionately with both yourself and your partner. For couples, it’s about learning how to listen and express themselves in a way that strengthens the relationship, rather than causing misunderstandings. We also talk about practical strategies, like using “I” statements or slowing down conversations to really understand what each person is saying.

Over time, these communication tools become part of the client’s daily life, not just in the therapy room. The more open and honest you can be, the deeper the connection you can build with your partner—and with yourself.

How can individuals or couples know when it’s the right time to seek sex therapy?

The right time to seek sex therapy isn’t just when you’re facing issues—it’s also when you want to learn more about sex, explore new sides of your sexual self, or deepen your connection with your partner. Sex therapy can be an empowering space to explore the fun side of things, gain valuable education, and understand more about your desires and boundaries. Whether you’re curious about enhancing intimacy, improving communication, or just wanting to feel more confident in your sexual experiences, therapy can help.

Of course, if communication around intimacy starts breaking down, or you’re noticing recurring issues like mismatched libidos or sexual dysfunction, that’s a sign it might be time to explore things further. But even if you’re not dealing with big concerns, sex therapy is also about growth, education, and discovering what feels good for you.

It’s all about taking a proactive step, whether it’s to resolve an issue or simply to learn and grow in your sexual wellbeing.

What are some of the most significant barriers people face when considering sex therapy, and how can they be overcome?

One of the biggest barriers people face when considering sex therapy is the fear of judgement or shame. Talking about sex can feel vulnerable, and many people worry that their concerns will be seen as abnormal or embarrassing. To overcome this, it’s important to remember that sex therapists are trained to create a safe, non-judgmental space where these topics are handled with sensitivity and care. Everyone’s experiences and challenges are valid, and seeking support is a positive step towards growth.

Another common barrier is the misconception that sex therapy is only for people with major issues. Many people think they need to wait until something goes seriously wrong to seek help. In reality, sex therapy is for anyone looking to improve their sexual health, whether that’s addressing concerns or simply learning more about sex and intimacy. Normalising therapy as part of a healthy lifestyle can make it easier to take that first step.

Lastly, some people might feel hesitant due to cultural or societal taboos around sex. Overcoming this involves recognising that sexual health is just as important as physical or mental health, and that seeking help is a way to enhance overall wellbeing. The more we talk openly about sexual health, the less intimidating it becomes.

How has the field of sex therapy evolved in recent years?

The field of sex therapy has evolved significantly in recent years, becoming much more inclusive, open, and attuned to the complexities of human sexuality. There’s a greater emphasis now on recognising the diversity of sexual experiences, from different sexual orientations and gender identities to non-traditional relationship structures like polyamory or open relationships. This shift has made therapy more accessible and welcoming to a broader range of people.

We’re also seeing more integration of mental health and sexual health, recognising that these two are deeply connected. Conversations around anxiety, trauma, and body image are often part of sex therapy now, as people understand that emotional wellbeing plays a huge role in sexual satisfaction and connection.

Another big change is the move towards normalising sex therapy as not just a last resort, but as a proactive and educational resource. More people are seeking therapy to enhance their sexual experiences, improve communication, and explore pleasure—not just to address problems. The field is growing to reflect the understanding that sexual health is a key part of overall well being, and that’s been a really exciting development.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This Is How Kink Can Improve Your Relationship And Sex Life

— Kink is way more nuanced than we think.

By

Traditionally, most of us have considered kink to be something outside the conventional ideas of sex, however, a study by the University of Brighton has suggested that as many as 20-30% of the UK population has engaged in it.

Addtionally, according to Google Trends data, there has been an increased interest in “kink” since 2016 – no doubt helped by films like Fifty Shades of Grey and Nicole Kidman’s upcoming flick Babygirl, further normalising the practice.

However, according to one expert, there is far more nuance to this subculture than we think and, actually, kink is good for more than just spicing up your sex life. In fact, getting familiar with our kinks can actually improve our relationships overall.

HuffPost UK spoke exclusively with Gigi Engle, certified sex and relationship psychotherapist and resident intimacy expert at relationship exploration and dating app 3Fun, to learn more about what we should all know about this hot topic…

Everything you didn’t know about kink, according to an expert

Engle believes that to some degree, this sexual subculture is being misrepresented. Speaking about the popular films that depict kink, she says: “Kink in mainstream media often neglects the plentiful nuance and negotiation that goes into kink, instead choosing to sensationalise it.

“What we’re supposed to be seeing is something sexy and kinky, but what we’re really seeing is glorified abuse. This isn’t what kink is about. Kink is about boundaries, clear negotiation, and being 100% on board with everything.”

Unfortunately, she warns, this misrepresentation can lead to prejudice and even encouraging abuse. “We often see consent left out of mainstream depictions and this can lead to a lot of problematic outcomes such as people trying ‘kink’ in ways that are very unsafe, people thinking that if you’re into kink you’re into abuse and much more,” Engle explains.

However, while the sexpert acknowledges that this isn’t always the case, she does urge that filmmakers should work directly with sex workers who specialise in kink to help them to create better, more accurate representations.

Until then, Engle urges people to look at how (healthy) kink can improve their relationships, saying: “Kink allows couples to explore fantasy and power dynamics in a unique way. It can really open the doors to greater exploration and excitement, which can be great for deepening intimacy and increasing desire.

“It can aid in sexual communication through negotiation and boundary setting and allow couples to deepen trust by learning and trying things together in a safe way. Kink is part of how adults play. It’s how we get to know our deeper desires and explore together in a way that is bonding and often quite transformative.”

If you’re single, this is of course, a little more complex. Kink requires mutual trust, and an inherent feeling of safety, which isn’t always possible when you’re sleeping with new people.

Engle advises following these three steps to engage in kink safely as a single person:

  • Always vet partners. You want to ask for references if you’re going to do kink play with a new partner. It’s completely OK to ask to speak to former kink partners because this stuff can be really dangerous and shouldn’t be practiced by someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing.
  • Set clear boundaries and safewords with all new partners.
  • Practice alone. You can engage in what’s called “self dominance” or “self submission” where the power dynamics you’re playing with are with yourself. This can look like practicing Shibari rope tying on yourself, using toys on yourself with a set intention for dominance or submission, or using implements like flogger on yourself.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The hottest ways to kiss in 2024

— 9 ways to elevate your next make out sesh to the next stage

Tongue tantalising tips and tricks

By Ebony Leigh

Unless you’ve been off Netflix for the past week, you’ll know that all the entire world can think about right now is arguably the greatest onscreen kiss of all time. With off-the-charts romantic tension and an electrifying chemistry, we’d say it’s impossible not to be swept away by the scene to end all scenes in Nobody Wants This. So how’d they do it?

When Adam Brody’s Noah took the face of Kristin Bell’s Joanne in his left hand, ran his thumb gently along her cheek while gazing deeply into her eyes before slowly moving in for a full mouthed, life altering kiss, you could almost hear the collective gasp from around the globe.

Viewers were left reeling with an all-consuming yearning for their own monumental moment, and if they weren’t a fan of Netflix’s newest romantic comedy series already, then this profound PDA sealed the deal. In the words of one YouTuber, “it made my heart flutter as if it were me”.

So, when it comes to your own lip-locking action, what makes a kiss great, and how can you take your make out moves to the next level?

The power of a kiss

If the effects of a smooch can be felt through our screens, you better believe that an IRL snog can have massive impacts on our bodies.

“In terms of a relationship, you’ve got the pair bonding, passion and deep connection that comes through the release of oxytocin, as well as the connection to your erogenous zones because your lips are an erogenous zone meaning they can create that arousal as well,” certified sex educator Eleanor Hadley tells Body+Soul.

Of course though it all depends on the style of the smacker, and how much you let it “build”.

“You’ve got plutonic sort of kisses, like a cheek kiss or a hello kiss, you’ve got the really intimate, soft and sweet forehead kiss that just makes you melt, and you’ve got the classic peck on the lips,” the sexpert explains. “And then there’s taking it deeper with a long lingering kiss.”

“And then of course, you can start to get a bit more deeper and passionate with the French kiss, introducing tongues and maybe sucking, nibbling or biting on the lips. Some people like the full blown tongue in mouth, full on pash, and then of course you can take a kiss elsewhere on the body like the neck and collarbones.”

Tongue tantalising tips and tricks

As the creator of Tongue Tactics – a guide for going down – Hadley knows the art of pleasurable mouth movement. Here she shares her tips and tricks for how to heat up your make out sessions and improve your kissing technique.

#1. Ask your partner about what they like

First up, the intimacy coach says it’s less about how you’re doing it and more about the connection between you and your partner. And it all comes down to communication.

“So often clients will tell me, ‘I dated this person and they were a bad kisser’, but for someone else that person’s kissing style is amazing and they love it,” Hadley explains. “While maybe for someone that my client dated in the past, maybe their kissing style wasn’t their cup of tea either.”

Like everything else in life, we need to understand where someone else is coming from.

“I’m such a big advocate of actually having a conversation with your partner like, ‘How do you like to be kissed? Do you like tongue? Do you like it when I nibble at your lips or do you hate it? How do you feel about biting? And what kind of movements and pace do you like? Do you like it gentle and sensual or do you like it rough and deep? Do you want a full open mouth kiss every single time, or do you just like a more closed focus on the lips? Because I really like it when you stick your whole tongue in my mouth. It’s really hot. Could you do that more?’.”

Think it sounds daunting? Maybe. But the results? Breathtaking (literally if you both act on the answers).

“I think conversations like this can be really helpful in understanding each other better and it can actually be really fun and cute and hot and sexy to talk about it” says Hadley. “It doesn’t have to be weird and awkward because it’s more like this curiosity of, ‘How could we make this part of our relationship even better’.”

#2. Freshen up before going in

Before getting to a smooch, a good kisser always considers their mouth hygiene.

“So there’s basic dental care – we love a good floss, mouthwash and toothbrush session – and obviously we’re doing that on the daily,” the sex educator says. “And then if you’re about to make out or you’re on your way to a date or if you’re about to finish your date and you know where it’s going, a little freshen up is great. I love those little mouth strips because they’re super handy or even just a mint.”

#3. Take care of your lips

Lip care is imperative, says Hadley. “I definitely use a lip scrub if I’m about to go and get my make out on”.

She recommends buying a product or making your own using sugar and oil, or just grabbing a dry toothbrush. “Rubbing that along your lips and doing little circles will buff away any dry skin,” she explains. “That also kind of brings blood flow, so your lips are going to be a little bit more popped as well which is really nice.”

Then when it comes to game time, Hadley suggests a light lip balm. Or, if it tickles your fancy, a bold lip. “If it’s a vibe and your partner is into it and you’re into it too, lipstick can add to it if you like that messy look,” she says. “Of course, it’s a really personal preference, but I think some people dig it.”

#4. Linger on the lead up

We can’t stress this enough but Nobody Wants This totally did when it took two episodes for the main characters to finally kiss. A long lead up makes the snog even better.

“My philosophy with this is always work from the outside in,” the sex educator explains. “So even before you’re making out, make sure you’ve had eye contact and conversation and build up that connection and chemistry.”

So pay attention, show affection, and stay in the moment, to leave your kissing partner with a lasting memory.

#5. Experiment with the head tilt

Ah the age old conundrum. To go right or left.

“I think you’re going to have a natural way that you want to go, and for me, that just feels like right,” the sexpert explains. “And if you’re in a relationship, you can have a tendency to say, ‘That’s just the way that I go’, and then that can kind of be the pattern. But be open to trying a different way and see how that feels.”

(For the record, Adam Broody went right).

#6. Use your hands

If The OC’s geek Seth Cohen turned millennial woman heart throb Noah has taught us anything, it’s that a truly good kiss involves some steamy body language and the exact right hand placement.

“Depending on the type of kiss you’re having, whether it’s deep and passionate or soft and sweet, hand placement is incredibly important and can really elevate the mood and drive the vibe of the kiss,” Hadley says. “So whether that’s just hands cupping their face if it’s really sweet, or bringing your hands up through their hair and to the back of the neck and then pulling and tugging their hair a little bit. Or maybe you’re dragging your hands a little over their arms, kind of pulling them in tight from their back, or grabbing their a** and having your hands lead up their chest. It can all really enhance the passion of the kiss.”

#7. Have fun with tongue

Kissing isn’t just about locking lips and having a gentle nibble. Whether it’s playing with the tip of the tongue or putting it all in their mouth, if that feels good for both of you, French kissing can take your make out sessions to the next level.

“Being active with it but not too active with it hits a really nice, sweet spot where you’re almost kind of licking or massaging your tongue against theirs, as opposed to just sticking it in and letting it sit there or sharking it all about,” recommends the sex coach.

“And then you can both build up a rhythm where you’re like massaging each other’s tongues or sort of licking each other’s tongues. It sounds so strange, but it’s kind of like that.”

#8. Go slow and build up the passion

“I think it’s nice to start soft and get slowly more passionate as it builds up,” Hadley says. “Like with sex, you don’t tend to just go straight for the goods. You tend to build up to it.”

Which can be amazing when it comes to kissing. “So you start to both get into a rhythm and feel more and more turned on and there’s blood flow going on and your erogenous zones are firing and you start to get handsy and then the kiss can get more and more passionate and then it kind of leads from there,” the sex coach explains.

“Of course, having said that though, if it’s in the moment and it feels really good and there’s some really electric chemistry there, a deep, passionate kiss can be amazing.”

#9. Don’t rush into sex

There’s definitely something to be said for not rushing into putting hands down pants and keeping things above the belt. At least for the moment.

“If kissing is going towards sex or some kind of genital pleasure, then absolutely take your time,” Hadley says. “There’s no rush. You don’t need to get it over and done with.”

Yes, maybe you’re turned on and horny and wet or hard, but you don’t have to act on that immediately. Let those feelings build.

“Don’t forget about the face or the neck, the arms, the lower back, and the whole body before the genitals,” the sexpert says. “We’ve got to take the time to get there, rather than just be like, ‘Oh, we’re making out and suddenly I’m fingering you’. It’s like, woah, chill down, and put some space in between.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Disability Intimacy Editor Alice Wong Shares a Long-Held Secret

— And Why This Book Means so Much

Alice Wong and ‘Disability Intimacy’.

In an exclusive excerpt from the new collection edited by Alice Wong, she explores what she learned along the way

By Lizz Schumer

If you find yourself humming “Let’s Talk About Sex” when you see the cover for Alice Wong’s new collection, well, there’s at least two of us. The much-anticipated new book, Disability Intimacy: Essays on Love, Care, and Desire edited by Alice Wong is out April 30 and features essays, poetry and artwork of various spice levels by members of the disability community. There’s disabled sex, disabled love, disabled sexual exploration and yes, full-on disabled erotica.

All of it seeks to explore the question: What is intimacy? It’s not just sex, but it can include it. It’s not just romantic love, but it can feature it. As the publisher explains, “Explorations of caregiving, community, access and friendship offer us alternative ways of thinking about the connections we form with others.”

Below, Wong lets us in on a little bit of how she began thinking about it in a PEOPLE-exclusive excerpt from the collection, as well as a revelation she’s never made in her own writing before.

Disability Intimacy: Essays on Love, Care, and Desire edited by Alice Wong
Disability Intimacy.

When I started working on this book, I googled “disability intimacy” and the search results were disappointing and pathetic. “Ewwwwww,” I muttered to myself. Under the People Also Ask section, questions such as “Can people with disabilities find love?” are what I considered basic AF. Articles on stereotypes, stigmas, sexuality, asexuality, sexual abuse and sexual dysfunction abounded.

Stories about and by disabled people on “what it’s like” to date, have sex, or be in a relationship abounded. Intimacy is more than sex or romantic love. Intimacy is an ever-expanding universe composed of a myriad of heavenly bodies. Intimacy is about relationships within a person’s self, with  others, with communities, with nature and beyond. 

Each piece in this anthology is unique, but one theme that runs throughout is tenderness, an expression of all the labor and care the contributors put into their stories. I  delicately gathered and edited this book with sensitivity, knowing how many people put their trust in me. Being thoughtful, intentional and generous are acts of intimacy we can give to one another. 

I am not an expert on intimacy, nor am I here to define the concept to you. Since tenderness is a major theme in Disability Intimacy, it is only right for me to share a vulnerable part of myself that I have never written about or publicly discussed before. 

True story: I have never been in a romantic relationship or gone on a date. Not once, and I am a 50-year-old grown-a– woman! The disclosure comes with a mixture of internalized shame and a wish to keep parts of my life private. However, this book prompted me to reflect on the many intimacies of my life and what I wish for the future. My heart is full of rich and deep relationships. I am loved and I am not loved at the same time.

Not everyone needs romance or sex, but I personally want the entire dim sum cart of intimacy. I want to experience every unctuous, savory, sweet, crispy, chewy, spicy and sour bite, filling my body with warmth and pleasure. My appetite is insatiable; I want the smoldering, undeniable attraction built on mutual respect and admiration like the one between Captain Wentworth and Anne Elliot in Jane Austen’s Persuasion. I want to be seen and to have a lover who will be my sous chef in all things and vice versa.

Our love will be a spark that burns slowly and completely. This person will write me hot, irresistible letters and make me laugh; will pick up ice cream for me; will buy groceries, binge-watch TV and host amazing dinner parties with me. Downright filthy texts and facial expressions will be our sexual banter. We will be our own two-member book club where we talk passionately about books while sipping champagne and eating fancy potato chips. When I meet that person, I will disarm him with my charm, wit, intellect and copious modesty. 

Given the events of the past few years, I question whether this will ever happen for me and am reconciled to this reality. I struggle to see myself as desirable and can only imagine how the world perceives me. I’m not waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet, but I am ready in a nanosecond. In the meantime, I will continue to fantasize, lust, all by myself. My dreams, cravings and aspirations will sustain my body and soul for now. 

Intimacy comes in many forms, and you are deserving of it, whatever it looks like or means to you. Reading the words on these pages creates a dialogue, an intimate act bringing us together across space and time. May Disability Intimacy set your spirit on fire and send you on a voyage of self-discovery, destination unknown. My journey continues, and I thank you for being a part of it.

I am but one small shiitake mushroom connected to a vast mycelial network with other disabled fungi, loving and caring for one another. We are not alone. 

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Scheduled Sex Can Be Sexy, According to Esther Perel

— The famed relationship therapist says a little premeditation can be a great way out of a relationship rut.

By Erin Bunch

My relationship recently hit a milestone described by Esther Perel as the “fatal erotic blow”—my partner and I transitioned into parenthood. In our experience so far, the famed sex and relationships therapist’s gloomy framing of life after baby has been spot on. Since the birth of our son, sex has completely disappeared from our relationship, with no sign of return. Desperate to maintain that part of myself, and of us, I recently suggested to my partner that we start scheduling sex dates. His response (by text) was: calendar emoji + eggplant emoji + gravestone emoji. In other words, he gave the idea a hard (or rather, soft) pass.

Such resistance to the concept of scheduled sex is not uncommon, Perel herself tells me weeks later when we meet by Zoom to discuss her two new on-topic couples courses, “Playing with Desire” and “Bringing Desire Back.” While nobody thinks scheduling a softball game will detract from the pleasure of playing softball, she says, people feel differently about sex. “Somehow it’s entered into people’s heads that sex should be natural, it should just happen.” she says. “It should just come out of nowhere, envelope me, take me over, and burst out of me.”

My partner, I tell her, definitely struggles with the belief that sex is only good if it’s organic, and she says this mindset is setting us both up for failure. “If you think desire is just this thing that sustains itself on its own—it’s spontaneous, unprompted—you will be disillusioned,” she says. “Good sex over time is premeditated. It’s willful, it’s conscious, it’s intentional.”

Hence, the sex date, the scheduling of which Perel says does not, as my partner fears, imply your relationship is more or less over. On the contrary, she says that when a couple sets aside such time together, it actually demonstrates a promising level of care for the relationship. “The sex date is something that confers importance,” she says. “It says it matters. It says we don’t wait for when we are completely in the mood. It says we meet, and we don’t just meet for the perfunctory meeting. We meet and we can create something special.”

But Perel says turning a to-do, even a sexual one, into anything but a “perfunctory meeting” requires effort and forethought. Sexy sex dates don’t just happen, and her advice for transforming what could be rote into an erotic experience goes far deeper than lingerie and candles.

Step One: Build Anticipation

To begin with, she says, couples must endeavor to create an atmosphere of anticipation around the scheduled rendezvous. Since this isn’t a given—clearly, my partner wouldn’t exactly be drawing hearts around the date on his calendar—it requires what Perel refers to as foreplay, which is much more involved than a few moments of physical warm up prior to intercourse. “Foreplay actually starts at the end of your previous orgasm,” she says.

Here, foreplay means anything that creates “a shift in mindset signaling availability.” It’s flirtation, sexual tension, playfulness—the creation of a vibe between you and your partner. “People think they can scratch the back of the other person and they will be hot and aroused,” says Perel. “But can you do a little more? Can you seduce me? Can you play with me? Can you send me a little note?”

If it’s helpful, she suggests imagining things you might do for a lover rather than a partner. “[With a lover], you’re engaged in a plot. You’re writing a story. It has moods, it has imagery. It has a whole world to it,” she says. And if this is starting to sound like a heavy lift, rest assured that gestures such as a flirty text or small sexy gift can suffice. The key is just to get both parties excited about the scheduled time, so that it feels less like a to-do and more like an I-can’t-wait-to-do-you.

Step Two: Design Rituals

Next, Perel says it’s important to “infuse” the sex date with rituals. Doing so, she explains, helps signal that the event is unique, special, and significant. “Routines create consistency, but the ritual is what gives creativity and intentionality to the routine,” she says.

Your ritual or rituals can be anything, and it doesn’t have to be complicated, just consistent. Maybe you always open your favorite bottle of wine, for example, or put on a specific playlist. “It’s a small thing,” says Perel.

Rituals can also be designed to help you switch from caretaking mode, or career mode, or whatever your daily default mode may be, so that you can tap into your erotic, most alive self. As a new parent, for example, she tells me my ritual could include a shower, a massage, or “anything that brings the woman out from behind the mother.”

Step 3: Ask Yourself Perel’s Favorite Question

To further prepare for your date, it might be helpful to ask yourself one of Perel’s go-to questions for clients, which is “What turns you off?” or “What shuts you down?”

“People will tell you, ‘I turn off when I’m worried, when I’m anxious about money, when I feel like I’m not doing well at work, when I struggle with money, when I feel bloated,’” she says. “It has not much to do with sex, per se. It has to do with life. ‘I’m not alive when…’.” The answers to this question can then help you understand what needs to be left at the door.

On the flip side, asking yourself what turns you on, what helps you feel present and alive, can also help, says Perel. “‘I turn myself on by’ is not the same as ‘what turns me on is’ or ‘you turn me on when’,” she says. Instead, it’s about owning your own desire. “So the question is, ‘How do you make yourself available?’ How do you give yourself permission? How do you make yourself present?”

Without this intel, Perel says, you can tell your partner what works for you, but it probably won’t work. “You won’t respond because you’re not in it. You’re not present,” she says. And while your honest answer may be something along the lines of ‘a first-class ticket somewhere tropical,’ the key is to think of smaller, more achievable turn-ons that will ease you into a more erotic headspace, e.g. a wax, a cocktail, or a compliment from your partner.

Step 4: Understand What Creates Desire

While desire is complex, Perel offers a recipe of sorts, which is “curiosity plus risk.” Curiosity, she says, helps mitigate the less-than-sexy feeling of familiarity. “Curiosity is a key ingredient of eroticism, and that is, ‘Who is this person’ What do they think? How do they experience things? What does coffee taste like to them?’,” she says. Such curiosity often dies as two people enter a place of safety and security together, but she says rediscovering it can help you rediscover passion for your partner. “The need for familiarity is absolutely real, but it cannot be at the expense of no longer having the discovery, the exploration,” she says. “If you don’t have curiosity, you choke the erotic.”

And while you may think you know everything about your partner, Perel says this is an illusion. “We don’t have to create the mystery, the unknown, the discovery,” she says. “It is right in front of us—we just have to engage with it.”

Risk, meanwhile, is a related concept, as it’s also about breaking free of the familiar and stepping outside of your comfort zone as a couple. “If you do the things you enjoy that are familiar to you, then you have good friendship, consistency, reliability. It brings cuddle, not sizzle,” she says. “If you want sizzle, you have to go and create things together, experience new things together, experience yourself differently from how you usually experience yourself in the presence of that person.”

For Perel, risk doesn’t have to take the shape of, say, nonmonogamy. She describes it instead as a combination of novelty and playfulness. “Novelty creates uncertainty, and the creation of uncertainty in the midst of familiarity is unbeatable,” she says. “So what does this mean? It’s not big productions. It’s just doing something you’ve never done together.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!