Tag: sex and relationship advice

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Stories That Changed Lives

— For 20 years, Modern Love has recorded people’s lives. The column has also had real-life reverberations on readers.

By Miya Lee

“So what have you learned about love?” people often ask when they find out I’m an editor of Modern Love.

“Oh, you know,” I say, “a lot.” Or, “Most clichés are accurate.” Or I delay, promising, “I’ll tell you later.”

In case we don’t meet again, I’ll tell you now: After 10 years of participating in this unique and precious work alongside my thoughtful boss, Daniel Jones, I’ve learned that love is like a form of energy — sustenance as integral to our existence as food, sunshine and the air we breathe.

And, like energy, I believe love is indestructible, constantly transferred between people, passed down from one generation to the next, durable through time and even death.

Joan Didion was correct when she wrote: “Life changes fast. Life changes in an instant. You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.” Spend two minutes in the Modern Love submission inbox, and you will appreciate life’s fragility. Loved ones suddenly dying or becoming sick; deciding post-affair that they’re done with a two-decade marriage and don’t want any custody of the kids; or revealing a family secret that upends everything.

Just as common, however, are happy happenstances. Falling in love with a man who grew up on the same block as you and worked in the same building, but whom you didn’t meet until a chance midlife encounter. Talking to a stranger on the train who provides sage, unsolicited advice. Or witnessing a hawk — the likes of which you’ve never seen in your neighborhood — swoop down the day you and your wife visit the man who received your late daughter’s organs.

Many therapists insist that we routinely devise narratives about our lives. With Modern Love, I am always struck by a writer’s capacity to take a bad circumstance (or even an ordinary one) and turn it into a profoundly moving, wise or funny story.

Loving — and writing about love — involves choice. The choice to create meaning from raw experience. The choice to be bold and vulnerable, to reach outside yourself, to try to communicate and commune. As bell hooks wrote: “When we choose to love, we choose to move against fear, against alienation and separation. The choice to love is a choice to connect, to find ourselves in the other.”

Below are eight accounts of how the Modern Love column reverberated in readers’ lives — how people around the world chose to move against alienation and instead see themselves in a stranger.

An orange illustration of a mother and son sitting on a giant piece of pizza floating in space.

“As [my son and I] got our slices of pizza … I began a series of proclamations. ‘I will love you whoever you are. I will love you whatever you choose. I will respect the choices you make.’ He looked at me with eyes wide open, as if wondering if he could believe me … ‘You’re only starting to figure out who you’re going to be,’ I said. ‘You don’t have to be held back by what others think of you. You don’t have to match the people who love you.’”

In 2017 I read “Finding God in a Hot Slice of Pizza” from my flat in London. Though I couldn’t relate to the identity crisis of leaving an orthodox religion, I very much related to the trepidation involved in telling someone something that upends how “things should be,” when in my youth I came out to my family as gay.

I always felt from my mum what the author said to her son that day in the pizzeria. My mum lived in Canada (where I am originally from), and sharing newspaper articles over email was a way we stayed connected before she died last December. I sent her this column the day it was published, thanking her for being the type of parent who loved me unconditionally, always letting me choose what kind of person to be (and pizza to eat).

— Luke Costello, 39, London, Modern Love reader for 15 years

A blue and white illustration of storks carrying babies. One stork has just a blanket, no baby.

“Going to the hospital for a stillbirth is the photographic negative of going for a live birth. You carry the overnight bag, check into a room in the maternity ward and so on. But they put a marker on your door to alert the nurse-midwives that, in this room, things are different.”

“My First Son, a Pure Memory,” was published when I was 12 weeks pregnant with our first child. I had learned earlier that week that our daughter had a very high chance of anencephaly. I didn’t realize the gravity of the situation until the doctor asked if I had brought anyone with me to the appointment — I hadn’t. My husband came quickly, but the devastation had already hit me: Our baby was unlikely to survive.

The article was like a blueprint for our next few weeks. Tests were run, diagnosis confirmed, decisions made. I returned to this author’s words time and again.

What I learned most from these lines was empathy. Knowing that someone else had walked this same, very scary path gave me a sense of comfort, which I was then able to pass on to others. Our daughter Abigail was born still on Oct. 16, 2008.

— Margo Bassett, 46, Minneapolis, Modern Love reader for 20 years

An illustration of a man crouched over a crevasse with a woman clinging to him from below.

“When he swept my body under, pinned me down, I felt the fright I knew all too well and did not care to know again. Then that memory crackled, like a glitch in the matrix, a program being overwritten by another … Wedged under him, as the old dread rose and then subsided in my chest, I realized he had really done it. Like an oyster, he had taken the painful grit of my past into the sanctuary of his embrace and smoothed it over into a pearl he was presenting to me.”

This essay, “Pinned Under the Bodies of Men,” took me by surprise as it articulated exactly the vague and sometimes specific fear so many women, including me, feel about physical intimacy with men. Her tribute to her husband — about how one man loving you with his whole being can transform your fear and pain into healing — gives me hope. Having read this, I feel now that maybe there are good loving men out there. Jerrine Tan, thank you so much.

— Suzanne Taylor, 57, Toronto, Modern Love reader for “probably a decade”

An illustration of a woman using a large leaf blower to blow away her husband and his extra clothes.

“Here’s the thing about marriage. We commit to sticking together for richer or poorer, through sickness and health and during good times and bad, assuming that the tough times are the stress test. But what if it’s the opposite? What if the hard times bring out our best and make us focus on what’s important, while the danger zone is when we grow so complacent that we can afford to obsess over a neglected shirt for eight months?”

When I find myself frustrated over the mundane (my husband didn’t clean up coffee grounds, didn’t put ice in the kids’ drinks and tracked in dust from his many garage projects), I think of the shirt in this gem of a Modern Love column. I think of how he’s supported me through a double mastectomy, my father’s death and a tough career situation. I smile at myself the way the author must have and realize that the very fact I have time to be annoyed by coffee grounds means life is A-OK! And then I sweep them up because I have the world’s best husband and, after all, I’m standing right there with a broom.

— Valerie Charles, 44, Kansas City, Mo., Modern Love reader for 15 years

An illustration of a woman looking at caterpillar in a field.

“I’m now 59 with Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. I still don’t have a partner, but I’ve fallen desperately in love with life. … I use each day to soak up the world’s splendor. ‘Not yet,’ I whisper to the heavens. ‘I love it here.’”

I was unprepared to navigate my life after the sudden, traumatizing death of my husband of more than 30 years to Covid. There were months, perhaps years, of despair, endless weeks of insomnia, numerous empty bottles of hard liquor that bore witness to my life’s downward spiral. Grieving is not for the weak. Grieving in a global pandemic that took your loved one is almost intolerable.

Seeing joy in my loved ones’ smiles, noticing nature’s vibrant, ever-changing beauty, hearing a child’s laugh and feeling butterflies when experiencing my “first kiss” after my last “first kiss” in 1986, are reminders that living a deep and meaningful life also includes sorrow and pain. Clare Cory’s Tiny Love Story reminds me that everyone is facing a battle. Our power to savor the gift of existence reaffirms my choice to forge on and continue writing my life’s story.

— Ellynmarie Theep, 63, Barnet, Vt., Modern Love reader for “five plus years”

An illustration of a woman reading a book with a dog looking over her shoulder.

“Some 24 years ago, I fed my child their first meal of solid food, a teaspoon of Gerber rice cereal flakes mixed with breast milk. Today, I spoon homemade cơm and cá kho between their chapped lips, as they murmur gratitude. Their arms are immobile to protect the line of sutures across their chest … They had top surgery so they can be who they feel deep in their soul. I cook Vietnamese food for their recovery so I can assure them they will always be my child.”

I remember taking a screenshot of “They Will Always Be My Child” long before acknowledging to myself that I want top surgery, too. The story parallels much of my own life, and when I read it now, I imagine it from my own mother’s perspective. When she fed me my first meal after adopting me from China. Her watching the countless tennis matches I played in high school and college. While I haven’t had top surgery yet, it’s comforting to realize that my mom would care for me like the mother who wrote the story.

— Lin Robertson, 26, Sacramento, Modern Love reader for “5+ years”

An illustration of a man and woman cut up by a number of horizontal lines.

“By not calling someone, say, ‘my boyfriend,’ he actually becomes something else, something indefinable. And what we have together becomes intangible. And if it’s intangible it can never end because officially there’s nothing to end. And if it never ends, there’s no real closure, no opportunity to move on.”

Almost 10 years after this essay was written, I still refer to people as being someone’s “Jeremy”: A person who is ill-defined — neither a friend nor a lover. It can seem preferable to be a part of something than nothing at all, but when I was going through a bad breakup (with someone I never actually dated), my friend told me, “Just because he never did anything horrible doesn’t mean you should be with him.”

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that it’s better to take a chance on getting rejected. If not, your relationship will always be in limbo, partially created in your head.

— Victoria Yang, 26, Manhattan, N.Y., Modern Love reader “since college in 2016”

An illustration of a woman reaching for another woman who is falling into a vortex.

“Grief is exactly as painful as you think it will be, but with time you will learn to love your sadness because of the tiny shoots of joy and gratitude that sprout around it, like new growth on scorched earth. … As the sun set in fiery streaks over the mountains, I drove back to my family. When a farmer waved at me from inside a beat-up pickup, I thought about the comfort of sturdy, unglamorous things, my marriage among them.”

As an oncologist, I routinely witness — and experience — grief and loss. I often return to Michelle DuBarry’s words as a source of wisdom and comfort. While grappling with the death of a patient, I think about learning to love the sadness that accumulates within me. When I see my patients receive meticulous care and unwavering support from their families at the end of their lives, I think about the beauty of “sturdy, unglamorous” love. My gratitude to Ms. DuBarry for sharing her wise story with us.

— Neha Verma, 31, Baltimore, Modern Love reader for 10 years

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Six Signs You Should Go To Sex Therapy

— Psycho-Sexologist and host of Audible’s ‘Sex Therapy’ podcast, Chantelle Otten, on how it could improve your life.

By Chantelle Otten

If your sex life feels like it’s missing something—be it connection, pleasure, or understanding—it might be time to consider sex therapy. Often misunderstood, sex therapy is a powerful, judgement-free space that’s all about fostering deeper connections, improving communication, and embracing sexual confidence. No one knows this quite like psycho-sexologist and relationship expert Chantelle Otten, whose Audible Original podcast Sex Therapy takes listeners inside her sessions with anonymous, real-life patients. Whether you’re seeking guidance about mismatched libidos or simply after a better understanding of your body and needs, scroll on for the key signs that sex therapy could help you unlock a more fulfilling, empowered sexual life, according to Chantelle.

sex therapy 101

How can sex therapy contribute to one’s overall emotional wellbeing and personal growth?

Sex therapy can have a profound impact on emotional wellbeing and personal growth. Our sexuality is deeply connected to how we feel about ourselves, our relationships, and the world around us. When we’re able to explore and understand our desires, boundaries, and experiences without shame, it opens up space for greater self-awareness and confidence.

Through sex therapy, people can work through feelings of insecurity, past trauma, or relationship challenges that might be holding them back. By addressing these issues, they often find that not only does their sexual health improve, but so does their overall sense of self. It’s about giving people the tools to connect more deeply—with themselves and with others—leading to more fulfilling relationships, better communication, and ultimately, personal growth.

It’s empowering to realise that sexual health is an integral part of emotional wellbeing, and therapy helps people embrace that in a healthy, balanced way.

What are some common misconceptions about sex therapy that might deter people from seeking help?

One of the most common misconceptions about sex therapy is that it’s only for people with extreme issues or dysfunctions, but that’s far from the truth. Sex therapy is for anyone who wants to improve their relationship with their sexual self or their partner. People often assume they’ll be judged, or that it will be awkward, but it’s really about creating a safe, supportive space where they can explore their concerns without fear or shame.

Another misconception is that sex therapy is purely focused on the mechanics of sex. In reality, so much of what we work on is emotional—communication, self-esteem, intimacy, and understanding how past experiences shape current dynamics. It’s about the whole person, not just the physical aspect of sex.

Lastly, some people worry that coming to sex therapy means something is “wrong” with them, but it’s really about growth and empowerment. Seeking help is a positive, proactive step towards better understanding and enhancing your sexual health and relationships.

In what ways can sex therapy address issues beyond sex?

Sex therapy can actually address a wide range of issues that extend beyond just the physical aspects of sex. A lot of the work we do is centred around emotional connection, self-esteem, communication, and intimacy. For example, many people come in thinking their concerns are purely sexual, but often it’s linked to stress, anxiety, or unresolved emotional trauma. By working through these underlying issues, we can help people feel more secure in themselves and their relationships, which has a ripple effect on their overall wellbeing.

We also explore relationship dynamics—how partners interact, communicate, and express their needs. These skills translate into other areas of life, like building stronger emotional resilience and improving self-awareness. It’s about learning to connect with yourself and others in a more meaningful, authentic way, which ultimately enhances both your sexual and emotional life. So while the focus might start with sex, the impact of therapy can be much broader.

How does sex therapy integrate with other forms of therapy or counselling to provide a well-rounded approach to mental health?

Sex therapy often works hand-in-hand with other forms of therapy or counselling, creating a more holistic approach to mental health. Our sexual wellbeing is deeply intertwined with our emotional, psychological, and relational health, so it’s important to treat the whole person. If a client is already working with a psychologist or counsellor, sex therapy can complement that by focusing specifically on the sexual and relational aspects of their life.

For instance, if someone is dealing with anxiety, depression, or trauma, those issues often impact their sexual experiences or how they connect with a partner. In sex therapy, we can work through those concerns in a way that addresses both the emotional and sexual sides of things. By integrating approaches, we create a safe, cohesive space where clients can explore all aspects of their mental health without compartmentalising one part of their life from another. It’s all about treating the person as a whole, not just focusing on isolated symptoms.

What role does open communication play in the success of sex therapy, and how is this cultivated in sessions?

Open communication is absolutely essential to the success of sex therapy. So much of the work we do revolves around helping people feel comfortable enough to express their needs, desires, and boundaries—often for the first time. In therapy, we create a space where clients feel safe to talk openly without fear of judgement or shame, which is key to making progress.

In sessions, this is cultivated by encouraging honest, non-confrontational dialogue. We explore how to communicate clearly and compassionately with both yourself and your partner. For couples, it’s about learning how to listen and express themselves in a way that strengthens the relationship, rather than causing misunderstandings. We also talk about practical strategies, like using “I” statements or slowing down conversations to really understand what each person is saying.

Over time, these communication tools become part of the client’s daily life, not just in the therapy room. The more open and honest you can be, the deeper the connection you can build with your partner—and with yourself.

How can individuals or couples know when it’s the right time to seek sex therapy?

The right time to seek sex therapy isn’t just when you’re facing issues—it’s also when you want to learn more about sex, explore new sides of your sexual self, or deepen your connection with your partner. Sex therapy can be an empowering space to explore the fun side of things, gain valuable education, and understand more about your desires and boundaries. Whether you’re curious about enhancing intimacy, improving communication, or just wanting to feel more confident in your sexual experiences, therapy can help.

Of course, if communication around intimacy starts breaking down, or you’re noticing recurring issues like mismatched libidos or sexual dysfunction, that’s a sign it might be time to explore things further. But even if you’re not dealing with big concerns, sex therapy is also about growth, education, and discovering what feels good for you.

It’s all about taking a proactive step, whether it’s to resolve an issue or simply to learn and grow in your sexual wellbeing.

What are some of the most significant barriers people face when considering sex therapy, and how can they be overcome?

One of the biggest barriers people face when considering sex therapy is the fear of judgement or shame. Talking about sex can feel vulnerable, and many people worry that their concerns will be seen as abnormal or embarrassing. To overcome this, it’s important to remember that sex therapists are trained to create a safe, non-judgmental space where these topics are handled with sensitivity and care. Everyone’s experiences and challenges are valid, and seeking support is a positive step towards growth.

Another common barrier is the misconception that sex therapy is only for people with major issues. Many people think they need to wait until something goes seriously wrong to seek help. In reality, sex therapy is for anyone looking to improve their sexual health, whether that’s addressing concerns or simply learning more about sex and intimacy. Normalising therapy as part of a healthy lifestyle can make it easier to take that first step.

Lastly, some people might feel hesitant due to cultural or societal taboos around sex. Overcoming this involves recognising that sexual health is just as important as physical or mental health, and that seeking help is a way to enhance overall wellbeing. The more we talk openly about sexual health, the less intimidating it becomes.

How has the field of sex therapy evolved in recent years?

The field of sex therapy has evolved significantly in recent years, becoming much more inclusive, open, and attuned to the complexities of human sexuality. There’s a greater emphasis now on recognising the diversity of sexual experiences, from different sexual orientations and gender identities to non-traditional relationship structures like polyamory or open relationships. This shift has made therapy more accessible and welcoming to a broader range of people.

We’re also seeing more integration of mental health and sexual health, recognising that these two are deeply connected. Conversations around anxiety, trauma, and body image are often part of sex therapy now, as people understand that emotional wellbeing plays a huge role in sexual satisfaction and connection.

Another big change is the move towards normalising sex therapy as not just a last resort, but as a proactive and educational resource. More people are seeking therapy to enhance their sexual experiences, improve communication, and explore pleasure—not just to address problems. The field is growing to reflect the understanding that sexual health is a key part of overall well being, and that’s been a really exciting development.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This Is How Kink Can Improve Your Relationship And Sex Life

— Kink is way more nuanced than we think.

By

Traditionally, most of us have considered kink to be something outside the conventional ideas of sex, however, a study by the University of Brighton has suggested that as many as 20-30% of the UK population has engaged in it.

Addtionally, according to Google Trends data, there has been an increased interest in “kink” since 2016 – no doubt helped by films like Fifty Shades of Grey and Nicole Kidman’s upcoming flick Babygirl, further normalising the practice.

However, according to one expert, there is far more nuance to this subculture than we think and, actually, kink is good for more than just spicing up your sex life. In fact, getting familiar with our kinks can actually improve our relationships overall.

HuffPost UK spoke exclusively with Gigi Engle, certified sex and relationship psychotherapist and resident intimacy expert at relationship exploration and dating app 3Fun, to learn more about what we should all know about this hot topic…

Everything you didn’t know about kink, according to an expert

Engle believes that to some degree, this sexual subculture is being misrepresented. Speaking about the popular films that depict kink, she says: “Kink in mainstream media often neglects the plentiful nuance and negotiation that goes into kink, instead choosing to sensationalise it.

“What we’re supposed to be seeing is something sexy and kinky, but what we’re really seeing is glorified abuse. This isn’t what kink is about. Kink is about boundaries, clear negotiation, and being 100% on board with everything.”

Unfortunately, she warns, this misrepresentation can lead to prejudice and even encouraging abuse. “We often see consent left out of mainstream depictions and this can lead to a lot of problematic outcomes such as people trying ‘kink’ in ways that are very unsafe, people thinking that if you’re into kink you’re into abuse and much more,” Engle explains.

However, while the sexpert acknowledges that this isn’t always the case, she does urge that filmmakers should work directly with sex workers who specialise in kink to help them to create better, more accurate representations.

Until then, Engle urges people to look at how (healthy) kink can improve their relationships, saying: “Kink allows couples to explore fantasy and power dynamics in a unique way. It can really open the doors to greater exploration and excitement, which can be great for deepening intimacy and increasing desire.

“It can aid in sexual communication through negotiation and boundary setting and allow couples to deepen trust by learning and trying things together in a safe way. Kink is part of how adults play. It’s how we get to know our deeper desires and explore together in a way that is bonding and often quite transformative.”

If you’re single, this is of course, a little more complex. Kink requires mutual trust, and an inherent feeling of safety, which isn’t always possible when you’re sleeping with new people.

Engle advises following these three steps to engage in kink safely as a single person:

  • Always vet partners. You want to ask for references if you’re going to do kink play with a new partner. It’s completely OK to ask to speak to former kink partners because this stuff can be really dangerous and shouldn’t be practiced by someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing.
  • Set clear boundaries and safewords with all new partners.
  • Practice alone. You can engage in what’s called “self dominance” or “self submission” where the power dynamics you’re playing with are with yourself. This can look like practicing Shibari rope tying on yourself, using toys on yourself with a set intention for dominance or submission, or using implements like flogger on yourself.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Condoms are no longer a fact of life for young Americans.

— They’re an afterthought

Condoms are made available to students at the University of Mississippi campus in Oxford, Miss., Wednesday, Aug. 28, 2024.

By Devna Bose

It’s hard to miss the overflowing bowl of condoms at the entrance of the gym.

Some University of Mississippi students walking past after their workout snicker and point, and the few who step forward to consider grabbing a condom rethink it when their friends catch up, laughter trailing behind them. Almost no one actually reaches in to take one.

Though officials say they refill the bowl multiple times a day, and condoms are available at multiple places on campus, Ole Miss students say the disinterest is indicative of changing attitudes.

Fewer young people are having sex, but the teens and young adults who are sexually active aren’t using condoms as regularly, if at all. And people ages 15 to 24 made up half of new chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis cases in 2022.

The downward trend in condom usage is due to a few things: medical advancements like long-term birth control options and drugs that prevent sexually transmitted infections; a fading fear of contracting HIV; and widely varying degrees of sex education in high schools.

Is this the end of condoms? Not exactly. But it does have some public health experts thinking about how to help younger generations have safe sex, be aware of their options—condoms included—and get tested for STIs regularly.

“Old condom ads were meant to scare you, and all of us were scared for the longest time,” said Dr. Joseph Cherabie, medical director of the St. Louis HIV Prevention Training Center. “Now we’re trying to move away from that and focus more on what works for you.”

A shift in attitudes

Downtown Oxford was thrumming the day before the first football game of the season. The fall semester had just started.

Lines of college students with tequila-soda breath waited to be let in dim bars with loud music. Hands wandered, drifting into back pockets of jeans, and they leaned on one another.

It’s likely that many of those students didn’t use a condom, said Magan Perry, president of the college’s Public Health Student Association.

“Using a condom is just a big, ‘uh, no,’” the senior said.

Young women often have to initiate using condoms with men, she said, adding that she’s heard of men who tell a sexual partner they’ll just buy emergency contraception the next day instead.

“I’ve had friends who go home with a guy and say they’re not having sex unless they use a condom, and immediately the reaction is either a reluctant, ‘OK, fine,’ or ‘If you don’t trust me, then I shouldn’t even be here,’” Perry said. “They’re like, ‘Well, I’m not dirty, so why would I use them?’”

Women have long had the onus of preventing pregnancy or STIs, Cherabie said, and buying condoms or emergency contraceptives—which are often in a locked cabinet or behind a counter—can be an uncomfortable experience and “inserts a certain amount of shame,” Cherabie said.

If pregnancy risk has been the driving factor for condom usage among heterosexual couples, the fear of contracting HIV was the motivation for condom use among men who have sex with men.

But as that fear has subsided, so has condom use, according to a recent study that focused on a population of HIV-negative men who have sex with men.

Grindr, a popular gay dating app, even lists condom use under “kinks” instead of “health.” Things like that make Steven Goodreau, an HIV expert at the University of Washington who led the study, worry that the change in attitudes toward condoms is trickling down to younger generations.

Goodreau believes the promotion of pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), a drug that prevents HIV, is overshadowing condoms as a prevention strategy. A strategic plan for federal HIV research through 2025 doesn’t mention condoms, and neither does the national Ending the HIV Epidemic plan.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention acknowledges that condoms are still an effective tool that can be used “alongside newer prevention strategies.”

“We know that condom use has declined among some groups, but they still have an important role to play in STI prevention,” said Dr. Bradley Stoner, director of the CDC’s Division of STD Prevention.

“Condoms can be accessed without navigating the health care system, can be used on-demand, are generally affordable and most importantly, they are effective at preventing HIV and STIs when used consistently and correctly.”

Medical advances allow for more options

Pleasure—for both men and women—has long been an undeniable factor for the lack of condom use, according to Dr. Cynthia Graham, a member of the Kinsey Institute team that studies condoms.

But more so, advances in medicine have expanded the options for both STI and pregnancy prevention.

Young cisgender women have been turning to contraceptive implants like intrauterine devices and birth control pills to keep from getting pregnant. And researchers say that once women are in committed relationships or have one sexual partner for a significant amount of time, they often switch to longer-term birth control methods.

Ole Miss junior Madeline Webb said she and her partner seem like outliers—they have been seeing each other for four years, but still use condoms. They also share the responsibility of buying condoms.

“People see condoms as an inconvenience … but they do serve a purpose even if you’re on birth control because there is always a chance of an STD,” Webb said.

A new drug on the market could mean even more STI prevention options for men and possibly women.

Doxycycline post-exposure prophylaxis, or doxy PEP, can be taken within 72 hours after unprotected sex and can help prevent chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis. It has to be prescribed by a doctor. Trials are still being conducted for women, but the drug is gaining traction among men who have sex with men and transgender women.

With widespread uptake, the drug has the potential to make a significant impact in STI prevention strategies.

“When PrEP came out, everyone was excited because it was one less thing to worry about in terms of HIV acquisition,” Cherabie said. “With another thing on board that can help decrease our likelihood of getting other STIs, on top of not having to worry about HIV, it gives our community and patients a little less anxiety about their sex lives.”

And in just a decade, PrEP has become a main preventive measure against HIV and other STIs for men who have sex with men—though it is disproportionately used by white men.

Condom use now is “pretty much a thing of the past” for men who have sex with men compared to the 1980s and early 1990s during the AIDS epidemic, said Andres Acosta Ardilla, a community outreach director at an Orlando-based nonprofit primary care clinic that focuses on Latinos with HIV.

“Part of what we have to talk about is that there is something enticing about having condomless sex,” Acosta Ardilla said. “And we have to, as people who are working in public health, plan for the fact that people will choose to have condomless sex.”

The fight over sex ed

Despite the relentless Southern sun, a handful of people representing various student organizations sat at tables in the heart of Ole Miss’ campus. Students walked past and grabbed buttons, wristbands and fidget toys. One table offered gold-packaged condoms—for cups to prevent drinks from being spiked.

Actual condoms are noticeably absent. They’re also absent in the state’s public schools.

Condom demonstrations are banned in Mississippi classrooms, and school districts can provide abstinence-only or “abstinence-plus” sexual education—both of which can involve discussing condoms and contraceptives.

Focus on the Family, an Christian organization that advocates for teaching abstinence until marriage, is concerned that comprehensive sex education “exposes students to explicit materials.” Abstinence-centered education is “age-appropriate” and keeps students safe and healthy, Focus on the Family analyst Jeff Johnston said in an emailed statement.

But Josh McCawley, deputy director of Teen Health Mississippi, an organization that works with youth to increase access to health resources, said the effects are clear.

“The obvious consequence is the rise of sexually transmitted infections, which is what we’re seeing right now, which can be a burden on the health care system,” he said, “but also there could be long-term consequences for young people in terms of thinking about what it means to be healthy and how to protect themselves, and that goes beyond a person’s sexual health.”

The latest CDC data from 2022 shows Mississippi has the highest teen birth rate in the country.

Scott Clements, who oversees health information for the state education department, was hesitant to criticize Mississippi’s sex education standards because they’re “legislatively mandated.”

“If the legislature wants to make changes to this, we will certainly follow their lead,” he added—though attempts to pass more advanced sexual education standards have died repeatedly in the Mississippi statehouse over the past eight years.

Nationally, there is no set standard for sex education, according to Michelle Slaybaugh, policy and advocacy director for the Sexuality Information and Education Council for the United States, which advocates for comprehensive sex ed.

Not every state mandates sex education. Some states emphasize abstinence. Less than half of states require information on contraception.

“There is no definitive way to describe what sex ed looks like from classroom to classroom, even in the same state, even in the same district,” Slaybaugh said, “because it will really be determined by who teaches it.”

Compare Mississippi to Oregon, which has extensive state standards that require all public school districts to teach medically accurate and comprehensive sexual education. Students in Portland are shown how to put on a condom starting in middle school and have access to free condoms at most high schools.

Lori Kuykendall of Dallas, who helped write abstinence-focused standards, said condom demonstrations like those in Portland “normalize sexual activity in a classroom full of young people who the majority of are not sexually active.” She also points to increasingly easy access to pornography — in which people typically do not wear condoms—is a contributing factor to the decline in condom use among young people.

Jenny Withycombe, the assistant director for health and physical education at Portland Public Schools, acknowledged the standards see pushback in the more conservative and rural parts of Oregon. But the idea is to prepare students for future interactions.

“Our job is to hopefully build the skills so that even if it’s been a while since the (condom) demo … the person has the skills to go seek out that information, whether it’s from the health center or other reliable and reputable resources,” Withycombe said.

Those standards seem to contribute to a more progressive view of condoms and sex in young adults, said Gavin Leonard, a senior at Reed College in Portland and a former peer advocate for the school’s sexual health and relationship program.

Leonard, who grew up in Memphis—not far from Oxford, Mississippi, said his peers at Reed may not consistently use condoms, but, in his experience, better understand the consequences of not doing so. They know their options, and they know how to access them.

Slaybaugh wants that level of education for Mississippi students—and the rest of the country.

“We would never send a soldier into war without training or the resources they need to keep themselves safe,” she said. “We would not send them into a battle without a helmet or a bulletproof vest. So why is it OK for us to send young people off to college without the information that they need to protect themselves?”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The hottest ways to kiss in 2024

— 9 ways to elevate your next make out sesh to the next stage

Tongue tantalising tips and tricks

By Ebony Leigh

Unless you’ve been off Netflix for the past week, you’ll know that all the entire world can think about right now is arguably the greatest onscreen kiss of all time. With off-the-charts romantic tension and an electrifying chemistry, we’d say it’s impossible not to be swept away by the scene to end all scenes in Nobody Wants This. So how’d they do it?

When Adam Brody’s Noah took the face of Kristin Bell’s Joanne in his left hand, ran his thumb gently along her cheek while gazing deeply into her eyes before slowly moving in for a full mouthed, life altering kiss, you could almost hear the collective gasp from around the globe.

Viewers were left reeling with an all-consuming yearning for their own monumental moment, and if they weren’t a fan of Netflix’s newest romantic comedy series already, then this profound PDA sealed the deal. In the words of one YouTuber, “it made my heart flutter as if it were me”.

So, when it comes to your own lip-locking action, what makes a kiss great, and how can you take your make out moves to the next level?

The power of a kiss

If the effects of a smooch can be felt through our screens, you better believe that an IRL snog can have massive impacts on our bodies.

“In terms of a relationship, you’ve got the pair bonding, passion and deep connection that comes through the release of oxytocin, as well as the connection to your erogenous zones because your lips are an erogenous zone meaning they can create that arousal as well,” certified sex educator Eleanor Hadley tells Body+Soul.

Of course though it all depends on the style of the smacker, and how much you let it “build”.

“You’ve got plutonic sort of kisses, like a cheek kiss or a hello kiss, you’ve got the really intimate, soft and sweet forehead kiss that just makes you melt, and you’ve got the classic peck on the lips,” the sexpert explains. “And then there’s taking it deeper with a long lingering kiss.”

“And then of course, you can start to get a bit more deeper and passionate with the French kiss, introducing tongues and maybe sucking, nibbling or biting on the lips. Some people like the full blown tongue in mouth, full on pash, and then of course you can take a kiss elsewhere on the body like the neck and collarbones.”

Tongue tantalising tips and tricks

As the creator of Tongue Tactics – a guide for going down – Hadley knows the art of pleasurable mouth movement. Here she shares her tips and tricks for how to heat up your make out sessions and improve your kissing technique.

#1. Ask your partner about what they like

First up, the intimacy coach says it’s less about how you’re doing it and more about the connection between you and your partner. And it all comes down to communication.

“So often clients will tell me, ‘I dated this person and they were a bad kisser’, but for someone else that person’s kissing style is amazing and they love it,” Hadley explains. “While maybe for someone that my client dated in the past, maybe their kissing style wasn’t their cup of tea either.”

Like everything else in life, we need to understand where someone else is coming from.

“I’m such a big advocate of actually having a conversation with your partner like, ‘How do you like to be kissed? Do you like tongue? Do you like it when I nibble at your lips or do you hate it? How do you feel about biting? And what kind of movements and pace do you like? Do you like it gentle and sensual or do you like it rough and deep? Do you want a full open mouth kiss every single time, or do you just like a more closed focus on the lips? Because I really like it when you stick your whole tongue in my mouth. It’s really hot. Could you do that more?’.”

Think it sounds daunting? Maybe. But the results? Breathtaking (literally if you both act on the answers).

“I think conversations like this can be really helpful in understanding each other better and it can actually be really fun and cute and hot and sexy to talk about it” says Hadley. “It doesn’t have to be weird and awkward because it’s more like this curiosity of, ‘How could we make this part of our relationship even better’.”

#2. Freshen up before going in

Before getting to a smooch, a good kisser always considers their mouth hygiene.

“So there’s basic dental care – we love a good floss, mouthwash and toothbrush session – and obviously we’re doing that on the daily,” the sex educator says. “And then if you’re about to make out or you’re on your way to a date or if you’re about to finish your date and you know where it’s going, a little freshen up is great. I love those little mouth strips because they’re super handy or even just a mint.”

#3. Take care of your lips

Lip care is imperative, says Hadley. “I definitely use a lip scrub if I’m about to go and get my make out on”.

She recommends buying a product or making your own using sugar and oil, or just grabbing a dry toothbrush. “Rubbing that along your lips and doing little circles will buff away any dry skin,” she explains. “That also kind of brings blood flow, so your lips are going to be a little bit more popped as well which is really nice.”

Then when it comes to game time, Hadley suggests a light lip balm. Or, if it tickles your fancy, a bold lip. “If it’s a vibe and your partner is into it and you’re into it too, lipstick can add to it if you like that messy look,” she says. “Of course, it’s a really personal preference, but I think some people dig it.”

#4. Linger on the lead up

We can’t stress this enough but Nobody Wants This totally did when it took two episodes for the main characters to finally kiss. A long lead up makes the snog even better.

“My philosophy with this is always work from the outside in,” the sex educator explains. “So even before you’re making out, make sure you’ve had eye contact and conversation and build up that connection and chemistry.”

So pay attention, show affection, and stay in the moment, to leave your kissing partner with a lasting memory.

#5. Experiment with the head tilt

Ah the age old conundrum. To go right or left.

“I think you’re going to have a natural way that you want to go, and for me, that just feels like right,” the sexpert explains. “And if you’re in a relationship, you can have a tendency to say, ‘That’s just the way that I go’, and then that can kind of be the pattern. But be open to trying a different way and see how that feels.”

(For the record, Adam Broody went right).

#6. Use your hands

If The OC’s geek Seth Cohen turned millennial woman heart throb Noah has taught us anything, it’s that a truly good kiss involves some steamy body language and the exact right hand placement.

“Depending on the type of kiss you’re having, whether it’s deep and passionate or soft and sweet, hand placement is incredibly important and can really elevate the mood and drive the vibe of the kiss,” Hadley says. “So whether that’s just hands cupping their face if it’s really sweet, or bringing your hands up through their hair and to the back of the neck and then pulling and tugging their hair a little bit. Or maybe you’re dragging your hands a little over their arms, kind of pulling them in tight from their back, or grabbing their a** and having your hands lead up their chest. It can all really enhance the passion of the kiss.”

#7. Have fun with tongue

Kissing isn’t just about locking lips and having a gentle nibble. Whether it’s playing with the tip of the tongue or putting it all in their mouth, if that feels good for both of you, French kissing can take your make out sessions to the next level.

“Being active with it but not too active with it hits a really nice, sweet spot where you’re almost kind of licking or massaging your tongue against theirs, as opposed to just sticking it in and letting it sit there or sharking it all about,” recommends the sex coach.

“And then you can both build up a rhythm where you’re like massaging each other’s tongues or sort of licking each other’s tongues. It sounds so strange, but it’s kind of like that.”

#8. Go slow and build up the passion

“I think it’s nice to start soft and get slowly more passionate as it builds up,” Hadley says. “Like with sex, you don’t tend to just go straight for the goods. You tend to build up to it.”

Which can be amazing when it comes to kissing. “So you start to both get into a rhythm and feel more and more turned on and there’s blood flow going on and your erogenous zones are firing and you start to get handsy and then the kiss can get more and more passionate and then it kind of leads from there,” the sex coach explains.

“Of course, having said that though, if it’s in the moment and it feels really good and there’s some really electric chemistry there, a deep, passionate kiss can be amazing.”

#9. Don’t rush into sex

There’s definitely something to be said for not rushing into putting hands down pants and keeping things above the belt. At least for the moment.

“If kissing is going towards sex or some kind of genital pleasure, then absolutely take your time,” Hadley says. “There’s no rush. You don’t need to get it over and done with.”

Yes, maybe you’re turned on and horny and wet or hard, but you don’t have to act on that immediately. Let those feelings build.

“Don’t forget about the face or the neck, the arms, the lower back, and the whole body before the genitals,” the sexpert says. “We’ve got to take the time to get there, rather than just be like, ‘Oh, we’re making out and suddenly I’m fingering you’. It’s like, woah, chill down, and put some space in between.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Disability Intimacy Editor Alice Wong Shares a Long-Held Secret

— And Why This Book Means so Much

Alice Wong and ‘Disability Intimacy’.

In an exclusive excerpt from the new collection edited by Alice Wong, she explores what she learned along the way

By Lizz Schumer

If you find yourself humming “Let’s Talk About Sex” when you see the cover for Alice Wong’s new collection, well, there’s at least two of us. The much-anticipated new book, Disability Intimacy: Essays on Love, Care, and Desire edited by Alice Wong is out April 30 and features essays, poetry and artwork of various spice levels by members of the disability community. There’s disabled sex, disabled love, disabled sexual exploration and yes, full-on disabled erotica.

All of it seeks to explore the question: What is intimacy? It’s not just sex, but it can include it. It’s not just romantic love, but it can feature it. As the publisher explains, “Explorations of caregiving, community, access and friendship offer us alternative ways of thinking about the connections we form with others.”

Below, Wong lets us in on a little bit of how she began thinking about it in a PEOPLE-exclusive excerpt from the collection, as well as a revelation she’s never made in her own writing before.

Disability Intimacy: Essays on Love, Care, and Desire edited by Alice Wong
Disability Intimacy.

When I started working on this book, I googled “disability intimacy” and the search results were disappointing and pathetic. “Ewwwwww,” I muttered to myself. Under the People Also Ask section, questions such as “Can people with disabilities find love?” are what I considered basic AF. Articles on stereotypes, stigmas, sexuality, asexuality, sexual abuse and sexual dysfunction abounded.

Stories about and by disabled people on “what it’s like” to date, have sex, or be in a relationship abounded. Intimacy is more than sex or romantic love. Intimacy is an ever-expanding universe composed of a myriad of heavenly bodies. Intimacy is about relationships within a person’s self, with  others, with communities, with nature and beyond. 

Each piece in this anthology is unique, but one theme that runs throughout is tenderness, an expression of all the labor and care the contributors put into their stories. I  delicately gathered and edited this book with sensitivity, knowing how many people put their trust in me. Being thoughtful, intentional and generous are acts of intimacy we can give to one another. 

I am not an expert on intimacy, nor am I here to define the concept to you. Since tenderness is a major theme in Disability Intimacy, it is only right for me to share a vulnerable part of myself that I have never written about or publicly discussed before. 

True story: I have never been in a romantic relationship or gone on a date. Not once, and I am a 50-year-old grown-a– woman! The disclosure comes with a mixture of internalized shame and a wish to keep parts of my life private. However, this book prompted me to reflect on the many intimacies of my life and what I wish for the future. My heart is full of rich and deep relationships. I am loved and I am not loved at the same time.

Not everyone needs romance or sex, but I personally want the entire dim sum cart of intimacy. I want to experience every unctuous, savory, sweet, crispy, chewy, spicy and sour bite, filling my body with warmth and pleasure. My appetite is insatiable; I want the smoldering, undeniable attraction built on mutual respect and admiration like the one between Captain Wentworth and Anne Elliot in Jane Austen’s Persuasion. I want to be seen and to have a lover who will be my sous chef in all things and vice versa.

Our love will be a spark that burns slowly and completely. This person will write me hot, irresistible letters and make me laugh; will pick up ice cream for me; will buy groceries, binge-watch TV and host amazing dinner parties with me. Downright filthy texts and facial expressions will be our sexual banter. We will be our own two-member book club where we talk passionately about books while sipping champagne and eating fancy potato chips. When I meet that person, I will disarm him with my charm, wit, intellect and copious modesty. 

Given the events of the past few years, I question whether this will ever happen for me and am reconciled to this reality. I struggle to see myself as desirable and can only imagine how the world perceives me. I’m not waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet, but I am ready in a nanosecond. In the meantime, I will continue to fantasize, lust, all by myself. My dreams, cravings and aspirations will sustain my body and soul for now. 

Intimacy comes in many forms, and you are deserving of it, whatever it looks like or means to you. Reading the words on these pages creates a dialogue, an intimate act bringing us together across space and time. May Disability Intimacy set your spirit on fire and send you on a voyage of self-discovery, destination unknown. My journey continues, and I thank you for being a part of it.

I am but one small shiitake mushroom connected to a vast mycelial network with other disabled fungi, loving and caring for one another. We are not alone. 

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Scheduled Sex Can Be Sexy, According to Esther Perel

— The famed relationship therapist says a little premeditation can be a great way out of a relationship rut.

By Erin Bunch

My relationship recently hit a milestone described by Esther Perel as the “fatal erotic blow”—my partner and I transitioned into parenthood. In our experience so far, the famed sex and relationships therapist’s gloomy framing of life after baby has been spot on. Since the birth of our son, sex has completely disappeared from our relationship, with no sign of return. Desperate to maintain that part of myself, and of us, I recently suggested to my partner that we start scheduling sex dates. His response (by text) was: calendar emoji + eggplant emoji + gravestone emoji. In other words, he gave the idea a hard (or rather, soft) pass.

Such resistance to the concept of scheduled sex is not uncommon, Perel herself tells me weeks later when we meet by Zoom to discuss her two new on-topic couples courses, “Playing with Desire” and “Bringing Desire Back.” While nobody thinks scheduling a softball game will detract from the pleasure of playing softball, she says, people feel differently about sex. “Somehow it’s entered into people’s heads that sex should be natural, it should just happen.” she says. “It should just come out of nowhere, envelope me, take me over, and burst out of me.”

My partner, I tell her, definitely struggles with the belief that sex is only good if it’s organic, and she says this mindset is setting us both up for failure. “If you think desire is just this thing that sustains itself on its own—it’s spontaneous, unprompted—you will be disillusioned,” she says. “Good sex over time is premeditated. It’s willful, it’s conscious, it’s intentional.”

Hence, the sex date, the scheduling of which Perel says does not, as my partner fears, imply your relationship is more or less over. On the contrary, she says that when a couple sets aside such time together, it actually demonstrates a promising level of care for the relationship. “The sex date is something that confers importance,” she says. “It says it matters. It says we don’t wait for when we are completely in the mood. It says we meet, and we don’t just meet for the perfunctory meeting. We meet and we can create something special.”

But Perel says turning a to-do, even a sexual one, into anything but a “perfunctory meeting” requires effort and forethought. Sexy sex dates don’t just happen, and her advice for transforming what could be rote into an erotic experience goes far deeper than lingerie and candles.

Step One: Build Anticipation

To begin with, she says, couples must endeavor to create an atmosphere of anticipation around the scheduled rendezvous. Since this isn’t a given—clearly, my partner wouldn’t exactly be drawing hearts around the date on his calendar—it requires what Perel refers to as foreplay, which is much more involved than a few moments of physical warm up prior to intercourse. “Foreplay actually starts at the end of your previous orgasm,” she says.

Here, foreplay means anything that creates “a shift in mindset signaling availability.” It’s flirtation, sexual tension, playfulness—the creation of a vibe between you and your partner. “People think they can scratch the back of the other person and they will be hot and aroused,” says Perel. “But can you do a little more? Can you seduce me? Can you play with me? Can you send me a little note?”

If it’s helpful, she suggests imagining things you might do for a lover rather than a partner. “[With a lover], you’re engaged in a plot. You’re writing a story. It has moods, it has imagery. It has a whole world to it,” she says. And if this is starting to sound like a heavy lift, rest assured that gestures such as a flirty text or small sexy gift can suffice. The key is just to get both parties excited about the scheduled time, so that it feels less like a to-do and more like an I-can’t-wait-to-do-you.

Step Two: Design Rituals

Next, Perel says it’s important to “infuse” the sex date with rituals. Doing so, she explains, helps signal that the event is unique, special, and significant. “Routines create consistency, but the ritual is what gives creativity and intentionality to the routine,” she says.

Your ritual or rituals can be anything, and it doesn’t have to be complicated, just consistent. Maybe you always open your favorite bottle of wine, for example, or put on a specific playlist. “It’s a small thing,” says Perel.

Rituals can also be designed to help you switch from caretaking mode, or career mode, or whatever your daily default mode may be, so that you can tap into your erotic, most alive self. As a new parent, for example, she tells me my ritual could include a shower, a massage, or “anything that brings the woman out from behind the mother.”

Step 3: Ask Yourself Perel’s Favorite Question

To further prepare for your date, it might be helpful to ask yourself one of Perel’s go-to questions for clients, which is “What turns you off?” or “What shuts you down?”

“People will tell you, ‘I turn off when I’m worried, when I’m anxious about money, when I feel like I’m not doing well at work, when I struggle with money, when I feel bloated,’” she says. “It has not much to do with sex, per se. It has to do with life. ‘I’m not alive when…’.” The answers to this question can then help you understand what needs to be left at the door.

On the flip side, asking yourself what turns you on, what helps you feel present and alive, can also help, says Perel. “‘I turn myself on by’ is not the same as ‘what turns me on is’ or ‘you turn me on when’,” she says. Instead, it’s about owning your own desire. “So the question is, ‘How do you make yourself available?’ How do you give yourself permission? How do you make yourself present?”

Without this intel, Perel says, you can tell your partner what works for you, but it probably won’t work. “You won’t respond because you’re not in it. You’re not present,” she says. And while your honest answer may be something along the lines of ‘a first-class ticket somewhere tropical,’ the key is to think of smaller, more achievable turn-ons that will ease you into a more erotic headspace, e.g. a wax, a cocktail, or a compliment from your partner.

Step 4: Understand What Creates Desire

While desire is complex, Perel offers a recipe of sorts, which is “curiosity plus risk.” Curiosity, she says, helps mitigate the less-than-sexy feeling of familiarity. “Curiosity is a key ingredient of eroticism, and that is, ‘Who is this person’ What do they think? How do they experience things? What does coffee taste like to them?’,” she says. Such curiosity often dies as two people enter a place of safety and security together, but she says rediscovering it can help you rediscover passion for your partner. “The need for familiarity is absolutely real, but it cannot be at the expense of no longer having the discovery, the exploration,” she says. “If you don’t have curiosity, you choke the erotic.”

And while you may think you know everything about your partner, Perel says this is an illusion. “We don’t have to create the mystery, the unknown, the discovery,” she says. “It is right in front of us—we just have to engage with it.”

Risk, meanwhile, is a related concept, as it’s also about breaking free of the familiar and stepping outside of your comfort zone as a couple. “If you do the things you enjoy that are familiar to you, then you have good friendship, consistency, reliability. It brings cuddle, not sizzle,” she says. “If you want sizzle, you have to go and create things together, experience new things together, experience yourself differently from how you usually experience yourself in the presence of that person.”

For Perel, risk doesn’t have to take the shape of, say, nonmonogamy. She describes it instead as a combination of novelty and playfulness. “Novelty creates uncertainty, and the creation of uncertainty in the midst of familiarity is unbeatable,” she says. “So what does this mean? It’s not big productions. It’s just doing something you’ve never done together.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Sexual Revolution Has Been Great

— For Men

By Charles Runels, MD

During the month of September, Sexual Health Awareness Month, it may help to notice something: Men and their doctors have significantly more options to help with sexual function than do women and their clinicians. Moreover, the education of physicians regarding the examination and treatment of women for sexual dysfunction has been and remains, even now in 2024, much less thorough than for men.

Not convinced? Let’s take a quick tour.

The New Sexual Revolution and the Growing Anger

photo of Newsweek 50 Shade edition

Around the time of the release of the book and movie 50 Shades of Grey, Newsweek put the cultural sensation on its cover.

I bought the magazine at the airport and, while waiting for my plane, showed the story to a woman sitting next to me. “What do you think — is this the new ‘sexual revolution’?” I asked her.

She glanced at the cover and answered as accurately as if she had written the article: “In the ’60s, it became okay for women to have sex; now, it’s okay for women to demand good sex.”

I would add to that: Women are demanding good sex, and they want to define for themselves what “good” means.

That social revolution rages, still.

You would think that the demand would bring a corresponding response in clinical medicine. You would be wrong. Although efforts in some sectors are heroic, overall, the results are lagging the forward movement of women wanting better sex.

The Lag in Sexual Education

To examine the progression of the education of physicians regarding the treatment of female sexual dysfunction (FSD), Codispoti and colleagues examined the curricula of seven medical schools in and around Chicago. They found the following: Only one institution identified all anatomic components of the clitoris — one! Four of the seven discussed the physiology of the female orgasm. Only three of the seven highlighted the prevalence and epidemiology of FSD or the treatments for FSD. Only one of the seven explained how to do a genitourinary physical exam specific to assessing FSD.

When assessing obstetrics and gynecology clinical materials, sexual pleasure, arousal, and libido were not included anywhere in the curricula.

I have been teaching physicians about the therapies I developed (over 5000 clinicians in 50-plus countries over the past 14 years). During those sessions, I often stop the class and ask, “Who in here was taught how to retract the foreskin and examine the penis for phimosis?”

All hands will go up.

Then I will ask, “Who in here was taught in medical school how to retract the clitoral hood and examine the clitoris for phimosis?”

Not once has anyone raised a hand.

The Sex Remedies Gap

When I first published research offering support for using platelet-rich plasma to improve sexual function in women, women had not one drug approved by the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the treatment of sexual dysfunction — none. Men had over 20. Today, men have a growing number of FDA-approved drugs for erectile dysfunction, including the “fils“; women have three.

Women have access to only one FDA-approved medication that primarily affects the genitalia: prasterone. This drug is indicated only for the treatment of pain in postmenopausal women. It does not directly enhance desire or improve orgasms. Said another way, although the incidence of sexual dysfunction is higher in premenopausal women than in other groups, they do not have a single approved medication designed to improve the function of their genitalia.

The other two of the three available drugs — flibanserin and bremelanotide — primarily affect the brain and could accurately be called psychoactive agents. They are available only for premenopausal women to improve desire. Flibanserin resulted in one extra sexual encounter per month on average, and patients are advised to avoid alcohol while using the drug. The other can make you vomit.

I do think all three of these treatments can be of great help to some women. I am not advising their disappearance. But in contrast to what is available to men, they are woefully inadequate.

Historical Perspective

In 1980, the medical establishment believed “most instances of acquired impotence are psychogenic.” Then, with the accidental discovery of the benefits of phosphodiesterase type 5 inhibitors , we realized that most cases of male sexual dysfunction involve the vasculature of the genitalia, not the neuroses of the brain. Yet, our two FDA-approved drugs for women with sexual dysfunction are designed to affect the brain. Women have nothing but off-label therapies to improve the function of the genitalia.

Despite the fact research supports the use of testosterone in women for both libido and orgasm, and despite the fact millions of women are treated with testosterone off-label for the benefit of sexual function, the only widely used FDA-approved class of drugs for women that affects testosterone — birth control pills, by blocking pituitary hormone production (the way they prevent pregnancy) — lowers the production of testosterone.

One might wonder, considering our expanded understanding of the endocrinology of both men and women, at the irony of why it is acceptable to lower the testosterone level of an adolescent girl knowingly, as if her development did not require the hormone (such would never be acceptable in an adolescent male unless sexual transitioning were the goal); yet, we are fearful of giving testosterone to grown women who can no longer make it.

Premenopausal Women: An Orphan Population

The concept of “orphan populations” can partially explain the gap in available therapies between men and women.

Women of childbearing age are risky to study; so, with testosterone, for example, it is safer and cheaper for pharmaceutical companies to prove the benefits for men and ride the profits from the off-label use for women. I don’t mean to condemn the manufacturers of testosterone, only to point out the phenomenon of why up to 30% of the prescriptions written by a primary care physician are off-label; off-label use is common among cardiologists (46%); up to 90% of children in the hospital receive at least one off-label drug; and approval of drugs for premenopausal women is more expensive than approval of drugs for men.

What Can Be Done?

The regrettable situation does not reflect evil intent on the part of regulators, educators, or physicians. But the gap between what women want and what medical education and the pharmaceutical-regulatory complex are providing is intolerably wide.

First, I would recommend a standard, required curriculum for the study of female sexual anatomy and function be established and widely adopted by medical schools. The reproductive system contains different components and a different purpose from the orgasm system, with modest overlap. Both systems should be taught in every medical school.

Second, physicians should be required to undergo a course in understanding their own sexuality. Research demonstrates doctors will avoid conversations about sex, and it seems to me this could be secondary to being uncomfortable with their own sexuality. After all, to talk with a patient about sex, you cannot be fearful of where the conversation may lead.

Third, the FDA might reconsider the requirements for the approval of drugs for FSD. Currently, to approve a drug for men, an objective finding — ie, an erection — can be sufficient. However, a higher bar, “satisfaction,” which is subjective, must be obtained with women.

Regenerative therapies have proved helpful but are not yet widely adopted; more grant money for the study of regenerative therapies would be a good start here.

Finally, by the definition of FSD, a woman must be psychologically distressed. The idea of sex is not pleasure alone. Sexual function affects family relationships, emotional health, confidence, even sleep, as well as the emotional well-being of the children who live in the house. Saying women are wonderfully and mysteriously made may be poetic, but it is not an excuse for not learning more and closing the gaps.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Men Are Openly Admitting The One Thing They Wish Women Understood Better About Their Sexual Needs

— “Sometimes, I wanna be the pillow princess.”

By Raven Ishak

“Men, what’s one thing you wish women understood better about male sexuality?”

1.”Lack of erection does not equal lack of interest.”

2.”I want to be seduced. Don’t take for granted that I’m always 100% ready to go at the drop of a hat. Sometimes, I wanna be the pillow princess.”

“I’ve told women this, and it blows their mind. So many beautiful women have never once thought about how to seduce a man past dressing cute. They’re like, ‘Well, I’m here!’”

3.”We like our partners to communicate what they like and don’t. Communication is sexy.”

4.”Don’t use sex as a reward system. I want you to want it because you like it, not as a treat or chore or whatever.”

“Yes! I’ve told my wife more than once that ‘transactional’ sex or offers of sex are a complete turnoff.

Flirting with me while I’m doing something and saying I should come find you once I’m done? That shit is amazing. Telling me if I do task ‘X’, then we might have sex later makes me feel like you really have no interest in affection.”

5.”If I’m not constantly messaging you, it’s not because I don’t care, it’s that I feel secure about us and want to save any news for some quality time in person — not a constant, distracting stream of largely meaningless messages.”

6.”As someone with severe performance anxiety, if I haven’t had sex in a while, it can be very hard to get it up. It’s not that I’m not turned on, and it’s not that you’re anything less than gorgeous; it’s just that my anxiety is preventing me from getting an erection at this moment, and the more I think about it, the worse it’ll get. Just let me go down on you for a while, and we’ll see if it happens. Lol.”

7.”Not all men are like a light switch and are ready to get right to the action immediately. Intimacy and foreplay are a core part of the experience.”

8.”I just wanna be a little spoon once in a while. That shit feels nice.”

“My partner and I usually cuddle for a bit, then turn over and sleep back to back when we’re ready for actual sleep. Sometimes I wake up, and she’s on me like a jetpack, and it just feels so good in my heart.”

9.”There’s a huge difference between orgasm as a physical release (i.e., one-night stand, masturbating) and an orgasm with someone you are emotionally close to. I can jerk off a bunch of times in between having sex, but I need to have sex with my partner in order to be emotionally and mentally fulfilled.”

10.”We can have body image problems. You grew up looking at models who starved themselves to look that way. We grew up looking at action heroes with 0% bodyfat, steroid inflated muscles, who are so dehydrated they can smell water. The body standards for us were just as unrealistic and unhealthy, and it’s nice to hear that we don’t have to be that to be attractive.”

11.”Do not be a people-pleaser in the bedroom. I’d be so hurt to find out I don’t actually know what you like. I am trusting when you give me a ‘hell yes, I love that,’ you’re being honest. It can result in this really frustrating, shameful outcome of knowing you can’t satisfy her but also don’t even know what you’re doing wrong. I can handle reality if I’m not making you cum. I want to improve, so even if you want to tap out or I’m too tired, I want to continue improving. I want to make you feel good, too.”

12.”Blue balls is not a serious condition. Don’t let anyone pressure you into sex, especially with that as an excuse.”

“Or to continue sex, you no longer consent to. There’s no rule that says you have to finish what you start. Consent is revocable by either party at any time.”

13.And finally, “I just want back scratches. You’re only allowed to stay near me because of your nails. I’ll pay for it. But you need to pay the toll. A little to the left. Down. Down. Left. Riiiiiiight theeeeere.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 Men’s Sexual Health Questions That Are Too Embarrassing to Ask

Sometimes asking questions about sex can be embarrassing—even for adults. Here are questions ranging from alcohol and sex to ejaculation disorders. Sometimes asking questions about sex can be embarrassing—even for adults. Here are ten common questions men ask their Men’s Health providers at University of Utah Health ranging from alcohol and sex to ejaculation disorders.

1. Do Different Sex Positions Increase or Decrease Chances of Pregnancy?

No. Regardless of what sexual position you use, vaginal sex can cause pregnancy.

2. Can I Drink Alcohol With Viagra and Cialis?

Yes, there will not be a bad interaction between the two. Keep in mind that when you drink alcohol, your erection may not be as firm and the medication may not work as well.

3. Is There a Surgery That Can Increase the Size of My Penis?

Even an implanted penile prosthetic will not increase the size of your penis. If you are overweight, getting to your ideal body weight will help restore some of the length you have lost since gaining weight.

Many men will ask about injections to add girth and if there is a procedure to increase penis length. The AUA (American Urological Association) considers fat injections (to increase penile girth) and suspensory ligament division surgery (to increase length) to be unsafe and ineffective.

4. Is My Penis Average in Size Compared to Other Men?

This is a question that is hard to answer, and one that many men wonder about. There are many different techniques to measure penis length, including the amount of force the clinician uses to stretch the penis.

Also, some men will see a significant change in penis length once it is erect. Others will notice that their penis only becomes more rigid. There is not a number that men should set as their benchmark.

Some medical conditions and surgical procedures can reduce the length of your penis. We cannot always restore the length you lose.

The biggest take-home for patients regarding this is to keep a healthy weight. Get care if you feel like your erections are not rigid enough or if you have other concerns about your penis.

5. How Long Should My Erection Last During Sex?

The answer to this question is completely different per person. There is not a standard time that all men should be able to maintain an erection.

For most men, the goal is to get an erection that is rigid enough for penetrative sex and that lasts until both partners are satisfied. We counsel patients that if an erection has lasted over three to four hours and is painful, they should get care with the nearest emergency room. This condition is called priapism.

6. What Is Considered Premature Ejaculation?

There is not a standard amount of time that an erection should last before ejaculating. The AUA defines premature ejaculation as “ejaculation that occurs sooner than desired, either before or shortly after penetration, causing distress to either one or both partners.”

There is not a lab test that can determine this. This diagnosis is made based on a patient’s report and a physician assessment. Treatment options are available. Your provider can help you decide which is best for you.

7. You Don’t Ejaculate After an Orgasm—What Causes This?

Various surgeries or medications can cause a man not to ejaculate after an orgasm. This is called anejaculation. The semen can also go backwards into the bladder, which is called retrograde ejaculation. Common causes of anejaculation can be associated with:

  • Prostatectomy or other prostate procedures such as transurethral resection of the prostate (TURP)
  • Taking Flomax (Tamsulosin)
  • Diabetes
  • Nerve injuries

8. Are Orgasms and Ejaculation Different?

Yes. Typically, an orgasm is the pleasure you experience while ejaculating. Men can have an orgasm without ejaculation. Men can also ejaculate before orgasm. Additionally, it’s possible to have an orgasm and ejaculation without an erection that is satisfying for sex. These conditions can have various causes, some that can be identified and treated, and others that can’t.

9. How Much Ejaculate Should I Have?

Ideally, men should have at least 1.5mL of ejaculate. This is equal to 0.304 US teaspoons, so it is not a large volume. As men age, the amount of ejaculate begins to decrease. If you notice a big difference suddenly, you’ll want to contact your provider.

It’s OK to have more, but if you are noticing significantly less over time, especially during the time you are trying to get pregnant, you should see a urologist.

10. Is a Curved Penis Normal?

Some men have a slightly curved penis that has been present for quite some time. If it is not painful and does not bother you, that is normal. If it’s painful or bothers you, then make an appointment with a men’s health doctor. Your doctor will evaluate your condition and discuss your treatment options.

If you notice a new curve to your penis and that bothers you with either pain or appearance, be seen by a doctor. This curve can impact your erections, which is another element that can be evaluated and treated.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!