Tag: sex and relationship advice

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A College Student’s Guide to Safer Sex

— Tips from an Intimacy Coordinator

Safe sex is incredibly important for sexual health.

Learn about boundaries, consent, and pleasure with the C.R.I.S.P method.

By Ju Derraik

Sexual health is not just about testing and contraception, although there are plenty of resources available on campus to help with that. It’s also about creating a healthy relationship with your boundaries and with pleasure. Yes, sex should be safe, but it should also be meaningful, whether it’s to connect with a partner, with an identity, or with yourself.

As an intimacy coordinator and someone who spent this summer connecting with students about consent culture at Orientation, sexual health is really important to me. Talking to incoming students this summer brought to mind my freshman self, hailing from little to no high-school sex education (all we had was an abstinence pact… that only girls had to sign). While I handed out Condom Fairy flyers and consent stickers, I thought about the advice I would have given my first-year self.

Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage.” Cheesy as it is, his adage rings true in how intimacy works for student films, which has taught me about intimacy off-camera. As an intimacy coordinator, I work with actors and directors to plan, choreograph, and ethically execute intimate scenes.

When I’m on set, be it a high-five, fist bump, or elbow touch, I always have my actors tap in before intimacy work. ‘Tapping in’ is a kinesthetic practice at the start of every intimate scene. It’s a way to say:

“Hey! I’m here, present in my body! I see you. Do you see me too? “

I use the consent acronym C.R.I.S.P on set to help actors be curious about their boundaries. Applying C.R.I.S.P to real-life sex, I encourage you to do the same:

Considered

Having consideration is not just about asking yourself, ‘Do I want this?’ It’s about preparing in advance so that sex can be a source of pleasure, not distress. With BU Student Health Service’s access to free and low-cost contraception and birth control options, you can ensure not only that your consent is considered, but that you consider your consent.

Revokable

I always tell my actors, that “No” is simply information. You have the right to change your mind at any point during intimacy! You always have a choice. Your sexual partner(s) should be able to graciously receive that information freely.

Informed

Informed consent isn’t just a form for BU’s social science labs. Staying informed about your sexual health is an act of consideration for your partner(s) and yourself. The chief way to stay informed is to get tested; SHS makes it easy. Remember! Plenty of STIs can be asymptomatic. Go with your partner(s) or friends (post-brunch activity?).

Specific

Consent is situation-specific. My actors’ agreement to one point of contact does not mean an agreement to the next. The same rings true for sex. Past consent does not mean present consent; present consent should be enthusiastic! College is for exploration in more than one sense. Find out what you don’t like. Find out what you do! (And feel empowered asking for it).

Participatory

Without my actor’s participation, there can be no intimacy. Although this one seems self-explanatory, our generation tends to forget it the most. In reality, sex does not have to be romantic, but it shouldn’t be dissociative. Yes, consent involves checking in with your partner, but it also involves checking in with yourself. Be present in experiencing your sexuality. You can only learn if you participate.

Today and every day, while I urge you to tap into BU’s safer sex resources, I also encourage you to tap into your built-in resource: your body. Invest time into yourself; learn about your boundaries. Forego judgment and be curious about what you like. You can find that curiosity using C.R.I.S.P or any method of reflection you prefer best. Whatever it takes to tap in and say:

“Hey! I’m here, present in my body! I see you. Do you see me too? “

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sober sex is on the rise

— This is the month to try it

Avoid the ‘next morning regret’

By Ebony Leigh

With new stats revealing that the majority of Aussies prefer to boink without the booze, Sober October is a great time to give sex without the sauce a red hot go. 

It’s a tag that plenty of us wear proudly. “We’re Australian – we’re a nation of big drinkers,” we laugh, before raising another tinnie.

But what about when our rich culture of beers at the footy, pints at the pub and a few too many on a Friday starts to have ramifications on our sex lives?

Because that’s exactly what’s happening according to new data from Lovehoney, the leading sexual wellness brand.

A country of ‘next day regret’

When it comes to who’s done the dirty while drunk, seven in 10 (69 per cent) admitted that they’d had sex intoxicated, while a quarter of the nation (24 per cent) said that most of the one-night stands they’d had had been while drinking. This last stat was highest among 35 to 44 year olds with one in three (33 per cent) going home with someone after a boozer.

Which of course begs the question, was it any good? For 3.4 million Aussies the answer is tragically no, according to Lovehoney’s survey, with 16 per cent of people confiding that they’d had a negative experience while having drunken sex.

“Probably anyone who has had a drink and gone home with someone is going to have experiences like ‘next day regret’,” Lovehoney sex and relationship expert Christine Rafe tells Body+Soul. “Whether it’s something they said or something they did.”

Because while we think we need alcohol to give us a bit of Dutch courage to let go and lower our inhibitions, it doesn’t always turn out so well. “We think we are going to be more confident and more able to ask for things that are maybe outside of our character or things that we potentially wouldn’t do as our sober, fully conscious selves,” the expert explains.

But the thing about alcohol is that it impacts our blood circulatory system, which isn’t great for sexual function. “So, yes, confidence is one thing, but actually once you have a few drinks sometimes you can end up in situations where you find it more difficult to get or maintain an erection, or you experience difficulties with ejaculation or even the engorgement of the clitoris which is responsible for pleasure,” Rafe says.

Which is absolutely worth keeping in mind. “Consider what actually is the quality and the pleasure of the sexual experience when alcohol is affecting you from a physiological sense,” she suggests.

More Aussies prefer sober sex

The great news is that we might be turning a corner in the cornerstone of Australia’s drinking culture, with a sober lifestyle more on trend than ever. Lovehoney data shows that only half (53 per cent) of the country now drink regularly, while 15 no longer turn to booze and nine per cent have never tasted alcohol. This is largest in the 18 to 24 year old cohort, with 18 per cent not having ever picked up a drink.

Which leads us to the bedroom with 51 per cent of people saying they prefer to have sex sober and 42 per cent calling intimacy more enjoyable when they’re teetotal.

“Sober sex heightens the emotional connection because we can really connect with someone properly, and it opens the door for clearer communication,” says Rafe. “And also, it’s more pleasurable because we have more access to blood circulating to our genital region, which supports with arousal, pleasure and sexual function.”

It also makes future sex with that person even better. “When it comes to arousal, remembering a previous sexual experience acts as foreplay for the next one,” the sex and relationship expert says. “So we really want those memories to be clear so we can actually remember the things that we did.”

How to build sexual confidence without needing a drink

With Aussies reevaluating their relationship with alcohol, Rafe says there are plenty of ways to boost confidence in bed without a glass of grog.

#1. Practice sexual communication outside of sexual experiences

“Try writing down what you know you like and what you want,” the sexpert says, “and practicing that so you don’t need to have five wines to be able to say, ‘I really want you to go down on me’.”

#2. Plan sober dates

“Look for ideas that don’t involve bars or drinking,” Rafe encourages. “So I know Lovehoney has their Oh! Sexploration Vouchers 52 Weeks of Adventures set to guide couples through a year of exciting and spontaneous sexual experiences. So trying something like that can give you ideas for what to do on a casual date or even with a long term partner.”

#3. Get sexting 

More Coverage

Take away the pressure and say it in a text instead. “If you feel like you don’t know how to be confident, sometimes sending something over text can help,” the intimacy expert says. “You could say, “I really want to try that new toy’, or “I really want you to go down on me’, or “I love the way you _ when we have sex, what I’d really love is to _.”

#4. When in doubt, make out 

“When people are nervous to initiate sex, they think they need alcohol for that,” Rafe says. “So initiate a make out instead. You don’t have to initiate full blown penetrative sex from the get go. Starting with, ‘I’m going to initiate to make out with this person’. And then once you have a bit of arousal, it actually supports your confidence in initiating something further. So you don’t have to initiate penetrative sex from moment one.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The seven things only a sex therapist will tell you

— If your sex life is awkward, unenjoyable or simply non-existent, a sex therapist shares her top tips to improve intimacy

By

As a sex therapist, I make space for people to let go of what they think should be happening and move towards what they truly desire. I often see clients who are stuck in their sex lives, or not having the kind of pleasure they want. There are seven key things I have learnt in my time as a sex therapist that can help individuals break free and improve their sex lives.

If people avoid talking about sex, it is often for the wrong reasons

It’s so common for people to be avoidant about the topic of sex that the underlying reasons for it are rarely even considered. I have found that at the root of any avoidance or awkwardness there is usually something the individual has catastrophised. They avoid talking about sex as, unconsciously, they believe that doing so could reveal catastrophic truths, such as that their partner totally fantasises about someone else or that others are far more competent in the bedroom than they are. These unexamined worst fears are rarely the reality.

A client may say “I think he really doesn’t find me attractive anymore, since I’ve given birth” and my response is “OK, but what makes you think that, have you asked him? Have you asked what might be going on with him, or been curious about the changes in your sex life?”

If I could give only one piece of advice, it would be to let go of assumptions and expectations and find out what is going on with your partner.

Shame is the ultimate passion killer

Individuals often carry unconscious shame, which can greatly impact desire. Feelings of shame may be linked to negative sexual experiences but shame can date back to childhood. It can be surprising for people to realise that their sex life is being affected by beliefs and feelings originally unrelated to sex. For example, a child may have learnt to be ashamed of their own needs if they were expected to suppress them in favour of other people’s. As an adult, this may cause them to focus only on their partner and to totally disconnect from their own pleasure and enjoyment. In therapy, this relates to what we call conditions of worth: believing that we are worthy only if we meet certain conditions. Unpicking these conditions of worth can pave the way for far greater passion.

One particular client, a single woman in her 30s, was struggling with sexual shame. We talked about a difficult sexual experience and she came to the realisation that the experience had not been consensual. Once she was able to see this for what it actually was, and to think about how her body had felt, the shame began to dissipate. She then reframed the experience as sexual assault. It was a tough realisation, but this alignment was ultimately incredibly freeing for her.

Libido and orgasm type can be changed

Many aspects of a sexual relationship can be transformed by therapeutic work. A mismatched libido is very common but there is great potential for sex drives to become more in sync. There is a playful erotic exercise which can be really helpful: the couple ‘show and tell’ by demonstrating to each other what they like through self-pleasure. Couples find this game-changing for increasing their desire and libido and I highly recommend anyone in a trusting partnership try this exercise.

Similarly, people may have a fixed way to reach orgasm, but this too can change. By spending time focussing on their senses and exploring touch, they may discover, for example, that they can orgasm from nipple play.

A recently divorced woman in her 50s came to see me because she was feeling lost within her sexual self. She had been a wife and a parent for more than half her life and was keen to enter into a new form of relationship and sexual adventure but didn’t know where to start. After working on self pleasure and becoming more aware of her body’s responses, she found that she had a new fantasy life, focussed on being dominant rather than submitting. She went from low confidence and self-worth to loving her body and feeling empowered about having choices; she was reminded that her relationships, and her life, were in her control.

An achievement mindset is not helpful when it comes to sex

Goal-orientated pressure can really diminish sex. This can be particularly apparent for clients who are trying to conceive, as the pressure of timing can lead to difficulty maintaining an erection. But striving to ‘achieve’ can cause psychosexual issues in many other scenarios. People who experience issues such as vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, delayed, early or absent ejaculation will often be feeling a great deal of pressure – from a partner, societal norms, or themselves.

People would be far less concerned about achieving certain sexual goals if they knew the wide variation in people’s experience and knowledge. Some women are unfamiliar with their own genitals; some married couples have never had sex; some men do not know how to perform penetration. I see couples, for example, who have been to the doctors for their struggle with conception; yet when they come to see me and we talk it becomes apparent that penetration isn’t actually occurring. Little to no sexual experience is far more common than many would assume.

Planning sex can be genuinely sexy – plus it reduces the risk of rejection

People tend to expect that there should be total spontaneity in their sex life; that they should be having unpredictable sex every other day of the week, on the kitchen counter; and that it should all just ‘happen’. However, for most people, life simply gets in the way. The expectation of spontaneity also means that sex isn’t talked about beforehand; couples assume they should be completely aligned and just know what each other wants. But this is unrealistic.

People are usually resistant to planning sex, but it can be very sexy and erotic – communication throughout the day about the where and the when can build up the arousal. Equally, deciding in advance not to have sex, feels so much better than one person spontaneously initiating, only to have the other person turn away.

Planning sex was transformative for a couple in their 30s who, when they first came to see me, thought they would never be able to have sex again. The woman had MS, the man had painful arthritic hips, and every time they tried to have sex one or both of them would be in pain and take days to recover. Attempting to have sex had become a tense and sad experience. Initially we worked on building intimacy and connection through non-penetrative exercises, then we thought carefully about their bodies and came up with different sexual positions for them to try including the use of supportive cushions. They were delighted to be able to be intimate in these new ways.

Authenticity, not perceived attractiveness, is what is important

So many people, regardless of gender, have negative feelings about their body, worry about their appearance or about being ‘enough’ for their partner. But it’s not looks that make a satisfying sexual connection: it is feelings – genuine and authentic feelings. Authenticity is the antidote to shame and insecurity and the key to intimacy.

If people are struggling with insecurity we can look at the relationship; whether they are accepted for who they are, and whether they take pride in all that their body does for them. Working with people around their truth, their authentic self, is powerful.

There is such a thing as sex homework

Sex homework can involve journaling, self exploration exercises or whole body massage. But a classic sex homework task is to temporarily avoid penetration. This removes the perceived goal from sex and allows for more focus on sensations and emotions. This can be transformative for people, even if they’ve been having sex together for years.

It is my hope that, regardless of where they are now, people can release fear and shame and experience more joy and pleasure. Which is often easier than they think!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can Meditation Actually Save Your Sex Life?

— Bringing mindfulness to the bedroom

By Wendy Wisner

Sex and meditation are not two things we tend to think of as a pairing. One is typically quiet, relaxing, peaceful, and still. The other is, well…sex.

But meditation is not just about sitting crossed legged on the floor and trying to empty your mind. Meditation is simply being mindful. That can happen during a formal meditation practice, while taking a walk, washing the dishes, as well as including “body-centered techniques”, such as focusing on sensory perceptions.1

So what happens when you combine sensory-focused meditation and mindfulness with sex? Well, you get something called sexual meditation. “Sexual meditation is the practice of combining meditation techniques with sexual activity or intimate connection to deepen physical and emotional awareness,” says Sophie Cress, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist at SexualAlpha. “Its purpose is to enhance the sexual experience by fostering a state of mindfulness, where both partners are fully present and attuned to each other.” Research shows that combining mindfulness with sex can increase sexual health and satisfaction.2

Ready to take a deep dive into meditation and sexuality, including how to practice more meditative sex, either alone or with a partner? We’ve got you covered.

Understanding Sexual Meditation

The concept of sexual meditation is fairly open-ended. It’s simply when you combine sex or sexuality with ideas of mindfulness and meditation. That can look different for different folks.

Shamyra Howard, LCSW, AASECT, certified sex therapist and sexologist at Lovehoney Group, defines sexual mediation like this: “Sexual meditation involves focusing on the present moment and being fully aware of sensations, emotions, and thoughts during sexual activity, whether solo or with a partner.”

Sexual meditation combines the practice of mindfulness and the concept of body awareness3 by focusing on breath and sensation without judgment. “It’s all about allowing yourself to exist and feel all the feels,” Howard says.

Sexual meditation is a conversation between the mind and body, and it’s a process of expressing gratitude for what your body can do and feel in the moment.
— SHAMYRA HOWARD, LCSW, AASECT

Brian Tierney, PhD, licensed psychologist at The Somatic Doctor, describes sexual meditation as a “presence practice,” or a type of body awareness discipline that enables a person to develop the capacity to perceive more and more pleasure. “The purpose is to take more delight in life, to experience the expansive pleasure of having a body-in-relationship,” he says.

“Sexual meditation can delightfully combine the benefits of a mindfulness practice—the training of the mind to remain present, usually by noticing how much it escapes to the past and future—with an expansion of body awareness so that every nook and cranny of the body can tingle with a maximum amount of pleasure from moment to moment,” Dr. Tierney adds.

Exploring the Connection Between Meditation and Sexuality

Meditation and sexuality are more connected than many of us realize, says Howard. That’s because sexuality is not just about sexual pleasure or gratification. “Sexuality includes emotional, psychological, and social dimensions,” she says. “It’s a fluid aspect of human identity that incorporates our sexual preferences, desires, behaviors, and expressions.” and is influenced by not only biology but psychological and social factors as well.4

In other words, sex already has some aspects of mindfulness in it, because you can’t experience sexual pleasure without being attuned to your senses. What adding mindfulness does to the equation is that it can make sex all the more pleasurable. “The benefits of sexual meditation include enhanced arousal, desire, orgasm, and overall sexual well-being,” Howard describes.

Techniques for Sexual Meditation

Alright, let’s get down to business. How exactly can you integrate sexual meditation practices into your sex life?

First, it’s important to note that many people have complicated relationships with their bodies, which may be related to pain, past traumas, disability or body image concerns. For that reason, when practicing sexual meditation, it is important to move at a pace that feels comfortable to you. Second, sexual meditation and mindful body awareness is something you can do solo, or with a partner. It’s really up to you, and the techniques described below work in both instances. However you are doing it, Cress recommends starting by setting the mood. “To practice sexual meditation, one can begin by setting a calm, intentional environment free from distractions,” she advises.

Howard shared her top tips for getting started with your sexual meditation practice:

Breathe

Howard suggests breathing slowly with your eyes closed, in through your mouth and out through your nose. “Place one hand on your belly and the other on your genital area, and as you breathe in and out, think of what would feel good, no judgment,” she explains. “It’s okay if you get a genital response, and it’s OK if you don’t.” You’re just here to feel and explore.

If you are with a partner, you can breathe together this way. “Then, you and your partner can place a hand on each other’s genitals while breathing together,” Howard suggests. Again, keep it a no judgment zone, just letting each other feel whatever you feel.

Take it Slow

Mediative sex is usually by its nature, very slow—slow and intentional. This can be great for many people, but also has challenges. “This slow sensory experience can bring up different emotions and feelings,” Howard shares. “Some people laugh, some cry, some have the best orgasm they’ve ever had. Remember, this isn’t a time to judge yourself. This is a time to allow yourself to feel.”

Feel the Feels

Mindful sex is all about letting yourself lean into whatever sensation you are feeling, and just really feel them. Howard suggests paying attention to textures, temperature, and pressure.

Ask yourself questions like, “What does it feel like when you breathe in and out?” or “How does your or your partner’s genital area feel under or in your hand?”

Howard suggests slowly rubbing your hands over different body parts, placing your attention on skin texture and temperature. If you are with a partner, you can “use your mouth to tell your partner where to touch you,” Howard says. “Or use your hand to guide your partner to where you’d like them to touch you.”

Practice Delaying Orgasm

Howard recommends sinking into each moment during sex, feeling each sensation deliberately. “During partnered sex, go slow and continue to focus on sensations,” Howard says. “Pay attention to sounds, smells, and tastes to keep you grounded in the moment.”

Often, this slowness means not rushing to “get off” or orgasm. “Practice edging or delaying orgasm at least three times and focus on the sensations only,” she suggests. Sometimes you may not end up orgasming at all, but often you will, and you may find that these orgasms are super intense and pleasurable.

Benefits of Integrating Meditation and Sexuality

Sexual mediation has numerous benefits—just take it from Dr. Tierney, a huge proponent of sexual meditation, both personally, and for his clients. For him, sexual meditation is about taking sex slowly, so that you can focus on each sensory moment.

“The simple story for me is that when I finally learned how to engage in slow sex, to truly divest from chasing orgasms, it felt like I lost my virginity again (seriously),” he shares.

Dr. Tierney also shared some client stories, which illustrate some of the benefits of integrating mediation and sexuality:

  • “One couple felt like they were starting their marriage over again after 26 years of being together.”
  • “Another couple laughed so hard while they were practicing slow sex that they had to take a pause, not because they were reaching 8.88 on the orgasm scale, but because their ribs started cramping up.”
  • “Another couple realized that they had been avoiding looking at each other during sex for decades and decided to make more eye contact: it completely transformed their love live and radically diminished their highly-entrenched conflicts which were basically a result of them not seeing eye-to-eye.”

The research on the benefits of meditative sex mostly focuses on women, with several studies finding that women who meditate experience increase sexual function.5 The experts we spoke to say that sexual meditation isn’t just beneficial for women, and it doesn’t just make you have better sex or orgasms.

According to Cress, the benefits of sexual meditation include:

  • Enhanced emotional intimacy
  • Improved sexual satisfaction
  • Reduced performance anxiety
  • Better communication between partners
  • Helping people overcome sexual blocks or inhibition by promoting self-awareness and relaxation
  • More meaningful and pleasurable sexual experiences

Addressing Common Questions and Concerns

While sexual meditation may sound awesome on paper, but that doesn’t mean people won’t experience doubts or concerns.

One concern people have is that sex should not be a discipline—because the idea of discipline runs counter to the idea of sex and letting go, says Dr. Tierney. But this is a misconception, according to Dr. Tierney, and the benefits of the practice outweigh any doubts about intentionality or scheduling.

“This is a hang-up that should be left behind if you want to meet your pleasure and bliss potential together,” he says. If your goal is mind-blowing, sensual sex, you should know that it often takes practice and discipline, Dr. Tierney says.

Another question people have about sexual meditation is: “Am I doing it right?” Howard says that any suggestions about sexual meditations are just that—suggestions. You get to decide what feels right for your body, and what meditative sex means to you. “Explore to find out what works best for you,” Howard recommends.

Finally, people often feel concern that sexual meditation will take out the mystery behind sex or make it less spontaneous or romantic. But Cress says you don’t need to worry about that. “With guidance and practice, individuals often find that sexual meditation enhances rather than detracts from the natural flow of intimacy, helping them to become more present and connected,” she assures.

Conclusion

If you are looking to have more sensational sex—sex where all of your senses are awakened and on fire—sexual meditation might be just what you need. Sexual meditation is just what it sounds like: it means practicing mindfulness, intentionality, and bodily/emotional awareness during sexual acts.2 It’s not for everyone, but people who practice it often experience increased pleasure, deeper connection, and more meaningful sex.

Please contact a licensed mental health professional or a sex educator if you would like more information about sexual meditation or if you have general questions about sex and sexuality.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What doctors wish patients knew about pain during sex

By Sara Berg, MS

Experiencing pain during or immediately after sexual activity—known as dyspareunia—is a condition affecting many women, yet it remains a topic often shrouded in silence. This medical issue, which can affect both physical and emotional well-being, is more common than many may realize. Understanding and addressing this condition is crucial for promoting overall sexual health and quality of life.

Dyspareunia can affect men and women, but it’s more common in women. Pain during or after sex can affect about 10–20% of women in the U.S. This may be a low estimate, though, as many women don’t seek medical help for painful sex and therefore underreporting is likely.

It happens during or after sex

“Dyspareunia is any time women report pain with intercourse,” Dr. Savells said, noting it can also “be defined as anytime there is pain with sexual activity because that doesn’t always involve a partner.”

It is typically painful during sex but can also “include time immediately following that, so in the next several minutes, not a day or two later. That would be something else,” she explained.

Keep an eye out for these symptoms

“Symptoms can be external irritation—around the clitoris or around the opening of the vagina—but a lot of the time it is inside the vagina,” Dr. Savells said. “And that can be with initial contact or foreplay, or it can be with penetration.

“Some patients can even specifically differentiate the difference between pain that occurs as soon as a partner tries to enter versus that which occurs from deep thrusting,” she added.  “Being able to provide these kinds of details to your doctor can help them determine the cause.”

Menopause is a main cause

“The causes of dyspareunia include the thinning of skin and lack of estrogen that both occur with aging as women go through menopause,” Dr. Savells said. “This is very common. Probably about 40% of all menopausal women say they have difficulty with their intercourse, their intimacy.

“That can be due to both vaginal atrophy—which is thinning of the skin—and it can also be due to vaginal dryness,” she added. “A lot of women have both of those, but they are two distinct problems.”

There are other causes

“Patients who have pain with intercourse can also have muscle spasms in the muscles around the vaginal wall. These muscle spasms can cause pain with sex but can also be a cause of chronic pelvic pain that is unrelated to intimacy,” Dr. Savells said. “If they’ve had a painful intercourse experience in the past, it can cause them to be tense because there’s fear that pain will occur again.”

“It can be due to just stress and anxiety. Or it can be due to post-traumatic stress disorder from a previous traumatic event, such as assault or rape,” she said. Vaginismus, which is an involuntary tensing of the vagina that is often experienced at the start of sex, while inserting a tampon or while getting a pelvic exam, is another reason.

“Some patients can also have pain with sexual activity due to a skin condition called vestibulitis, which is an irritation of the skin at the posterior portion of the vaginal opening,” Dr. Savells added. “Unlike several of the other skin changes which can cause sex to be painful, this condition is often treated with surgery instead of topical creams.”

“Less commonly, some patients can have scar tissue from previous surgeries to their labia or their vagina. And yet another cause for dyspareunia can be an enlarged uterine fibroid, which can also cause pain with intercourse,” she said. “There are even some bladder conditions that can cause pain with intercourse.”

Additionally, “some patients as they get older will have something called vaginal stenosis or vaginal narrowing and the same vagina that worked with that partner 10, 15 years ago is now too small,” Dr. Savells said, noting patients will say, “I’ve got the same partner, why don’t we fit together anymore?”

“It’s because the vagina is actually getting smaller,” Dr. Savells said.

Dyspareunia is also common for women post-pregnancy if they had a traumatic vaginal birth or issues with prolapse.

Vaginal dryness is a concern

“Stress, anxiety and depression can all cause patients to have difficulty with the arousal component of their sexual function,” Dr. Savells said. “But as far as pain goes, a lot of times that’s due to the dryness.”

For example, “a lot of patients with cancer will have dryness due to their chemotherapy or other treatments they’ve had,” she said. “If patients have had pelvic radiation for uterine cancer or cervical cancer, they may have dryness and pain due to that.

“They may have scar tissue due to that, but even patients who’ve had chemotherapy for nongynecologic reasons can have a lot of vaginal dryness as a side effect of their medication,” Dr. Savells said.

Treatments vary depending on cause

“There are a lot of things that we can do to help patients who are having pain with sex. I don’t ever want anybody to feel like it’s their fault or they’ve created the problem,” Dr. Savells said. One of the most- common causes is “when a woman is having problems because they are estrogen-deficient. Lack of estrogen is the definition of menopausal and for most women, that is about 50 years old.

“But there are also much younger women who are also estrogen-deficient; if they have had an early hysterectomy or if they have had breast cancer and had to have their ovaries taken out,” she added. “For most women who are estrogen deficient, the primary thing we start with is estrogen cream. There are women with contraindications to estrogen therapy, however, so it is essential for patients to consult with their physician about whether or not this is appropriate for their individual situation.”

“If your vagina is out of estrogen, you just add back more estrogen. And for a lot of women that is very effective and fixes their problem,” Dr. Savells said. “There are also nonhormonal therapies for vaginal dryness and vaginal atrophy, so we have options even for those women who cannot take estrogen replacement too.”

For example, Dr. Savells’ practice has a MonaLisa Touch laser, which she said is “super effective.”

“Mona Lisa Touch treatments include lasering of the vaginal tissue and the tissue that surrounds the vaginal opening on the outside. As a result, all the skin in the treated area becomes thicker and stronger. This helps those women lubricate more-naturally when they become aroused, and also reduces the microscopic tears which cause many women to feel a burning sensation after sex,” she said. “For both pre-menopausal or estrogen deficient women, these treatments can be very beneficial. For patients who have vaginal spasms, pelvic floor therapy is helpful for them.

“But therapy is not a quick fix,” Dr. Savells added. “For immediate help, sometimes those patients will get injections into the muscles around the vagina to help relax those muscles so that they don’t spasm and have so much pain.”

“We also utilize compounding pharmacies to make vaginal suppositories that have muscle relaxers in them to help relax those muscles,” she said. “And sometimes patients will insert a vaginal suppository with a muscle relaxer in it a little while ahead of when they anticipate intercourse might happen. That will help relax them a little bit so that they don’t have as much discomfort.”

“For someone who has a condition called vestibulitis, which is a specific type of irritation in the skin at the posterior portion of the vaginal opening, surgery is necessary. Fortunately, this is a relatively minor procedure and simply involves excision of superficial skin in the affected area,” Dr. Savells said. “Sometimes I’ll see patients who just need a little bit of help, they’ve just had a little bit of narrowing and a very short course of dilator therapy, from four to six weeks, gets them back to where they want to be.”

Dilator therapy is a treatment that is used to gently stretch and expand your vaginal tissue over time. This improves its elasticity and reduces the pain you may feel during sexual intercourse.

“If your pain with intercourse is due to uterine prolapse or the uterus falling down, then a hysterectomy may be necessary,” she said.

It can affect your mental health

“Lots of women feel insufficient in their relationship at home. A lot of women feel less sexy or attractive and it causes significant relationship conflict in some households,” Dr. Savells said. “So, it’s kind of the chicken-and-the-egg discussion.”

“For some people, the anxiety, stress, a previous trauma, history of PTSD can lead to pain with intercourse,” she said. “And then for some patients, some other medical condition was the initial culprit of the pain with intercourse.

“But because of that, now they have anxiety or depression or feel like they’re less than,” Dr. Savells added.

Try pelvic floor physical therapy

“I’m a huge fan of pelvic floor physical therapy,” Dr. Savells said, noting that “physical therapy is great for patients whose pelvis floor muscles have gotten too relaxed as they get older and they may be having urine leakage, some stress incontinence, things like that.

“But it’s just as helpful for patients whose muscles are too tight, which is really where it plays into this discussion,” she added. “So, those patients with vaginismus—where they have lots and lots of tension in their pelvic floor muscles—a physical therapist is good at helping them learn to relax those muscles.”

“We don’t pick how we exhibit our anxiety or our stress or our attention and some patients just tend to have a lot of tightness in their pelvic floor muscles just like other patients report neck tightness or stiffness,” Dr. Savells explained. “A physical therapist can help patients learn to isolate those muscles—it’s not intuitively obvious—and help them learn to be intentional about relaxing those pelvic floor muscles.”

Continue treatment to prevent return

If dyspareunia is treated appropriately, the pain “shouldn’t recur as long as the patient is continuing their treatment,” Dr. Savells said. “Patients have had really good success. If they get the right diagnosis and the right treatment, most of them don’t have problems again as long as they maintain their therapy.”

For example, some “menopausal women will use their estrogen cream, get better and then feel like they are cured, and they will quit using their cream. Then a year later the problem comes back,” she said. “In the beginning it’s hard to convince people this is a chronic thing. This is your new normal.”

Set realistic expectations for sex

“If you surveyed thousands of women, about 40% of them across the board will say that they have concerns about their sexual function,” Dr. Savells said. “But a lot of times, especially in younger women, they have concerns that their body isn’t quite normal because of what they’re comparing themselves to or their partner is telling them that their sex drive is not as good as it should be, that their frequency of intercourse is not as good as he would like for it to be.”

“A lot of their concern about their sex life has to do with setting realistic expectations for them, reassuring them that their anatomy is normal, that their sexual frequency is in fact normal despite what television or social media tells them,” she said. “So, about 40% of women will say that they have sexual concerns, but only 15% of women have true sexual dysfunction, which means it’s interfering with their ability to perform—they can’t have intercourse, they don’t enjoy intercourse.”

Include your partner in the process

“If someone’s doing dilator therapy, that can involve a partner. If you’re doing marital therapy or sex therapy, obviously those involve a partner,” Dr. Savells said, noting “sometimes partners are affected by a woman’s treatment course in other ways, although not directly involved. If a patient requires gynecological surgery for her painful intercourse, then she will be required to abstain from sexual activity for a period of four to six weeks. This is a great opportunity for a partner to be emotionally supportive of her feelings and sexual health.”

“It’s important to include them in the communication so that they understand why this is hurting. A lot of times, it’s often important for patients to reassure their partner that it’s not you,” she said. “Men are often very affected by this problem as well because as soon as the woman is feeling pain, she’s withdrawing a little bit and not as eager to initiate sexual contact. … So, it very much becomes a problem for both of them.”

Don’t be embarrassed

“This should be something that your gynecologist is super comfortable having a conversation about,” Dr. Savells said, noting that “I probably have this conversation multiple times every day, so don’t be embarrassed.”

“Your gynecologist should be super comfortable talking to you about your sex life, the parts that are good, the parts that are bad, the parts that need improvement,” she said. “We have lots of options for how to help.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can Orgasms Make You Smarter?

— Here’s What Experts Say

Various sections of the brain are activated during the Big O, including the limbic system.

By Kimberly Delarosa

No matter your relationship status or sexual preference, we all want to experience orgasm during sex. And why not? Studies show one of the benefits of orgasm is shutting down the thinking and logical part of our brain; a vacation for the overthinker. Instead, we drift off into an ecstasy of pleasure, a feeling that has inspired poetry, art, and songs for centuries.

While we always remember the feeling, there is a relationship between orgasms, the human brain, and overall health from gynecological and neurological perspectives. And since orgasms have a major effect on the brain, we reached out to experts to ask a simple question: Can orgasms make you smarter?

It’s an especially important question given the persisting orgasm gap. A recent study published by the journal Sexual Medicine found that 82% of men reported orgasm during their most recent casual sexual encounter—compared with only 32% of women. Since the 1970s (the age of female sexual empowerment), resources and information revolving around women’s sexual health has increased. Yet while women may have reached the era of sexual liberation in America, the gap in orgasm satisfaction is still significant. But why?

When it comes to sex for heterosexual couples, studies show that women have a lower orgasm rate due to different definitions of pleasure and satisfaction. “One of the biggest reasons women may struggle to orgasm is a lack of clitoral stimulation,” says Aliyah Moore, a certified sex therapist with a PhD in gender and sexuality studies. The majority of women require direct or indirect clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, as the clitoris includes a large number of nerve endings that play an important part in sexual pleasure. Men prioritize penile-vaginal intercourse over more clitorally focused sexual activities. This seems to happen mainly in heterosexual relationships, as lesbian and bisexual women reported higher orgasm rates.

Another reason for the orgasm gap is the pressure of performance. “When women feel pressured—either by themselves or by their partner—to attain orgasm, it can cause tension, which makes it even more difficult. The emphasis switches from enjoying the sexual experience to satisfying an expectation, sometimes disrupting the natural rise to orgasm,” says Moore. Women also struggle to orgasm more with age due to hormonal changes, history of abuse, or chronic illnesses.

Low orgasm rates show there’s still more work to do in female sexual empowerment, especially since the deficit is depriving women of numerous health benefits. Ahead, neuroscientists and sex therapists break down how orgasms affect the brain, the physical benefits, and how to increase your orgasm rate overall.

Can orgasms make you smarter?

While there is not yet any concrete evidence that orgasms can boost intelligence, there is something to be said about what happens to the brain when a person reaches orgasm. According to research by Barry Komisaruk, PhD, a psychologist, neuroscientist, and professor at New Jersey’s Rutgers University, “more than 30 major brain systems are activated” during orgasm. Dr. Komisaruk specializes in identifying the brain regions that respond to genital stimulation to generate orgasm in women and men.

In a 2010 research study, Dr. Komisaruk found when a person reaches orgasm, various sections of the brain are activated, including the limbic system (responsible for memory) and the prefrontal cortex (responsible for problem-solving).

The brain produces waves of neurochemicals that activate brain regions during orgasm including the hypothalamic paraventricular nucleus, amygdala, hippocampus, and vagus nerve, among other places. These chemicals are released toward the spinal cord and increase brain activity. So while an orgasm won’t suddenly turn you into a genius, the neurochemicals released during this pleasurable experience can temporarily boost cognitive performance in certain areas.

What are the other benefits of orgasm?

Achieving orgasm regularly provides numerous physical benefits. While sexual activity has been known to release endorphins and oxytocin (resulting in feeling relaxed), orgasms through sex can help relieve menstrual pain, reduce stress, improve bladder control, and promote better sleep. In Dr. Komisaruk’s book The Science of Orgasms, women who engaged in sex during menstruation were less likely to develop endometriosis. It also helps regulate hormones, positively impacting mood and overall health. But that’s not all!

“Sex may also be associated with beauty, as it can increase levels of DHEA, a hormone which is thought to ward off depression and promote shiny hair, glowing skin, and bright eyes,” says Jessica O’Riley, PhD, a sexologist and relationship expert. “This explains the term sex glow.”

Regular sexual activity, whether with a partner or solitary, is associated with higher levels of estrogen, which is key for supporting skin health by increasing collagen and hyaluronic acid naturally. Sex is also a form of exercise and can help boost blood flow throughout the body, which helps reduce stress and has been linked with decreased risk of the common cold or flu and protection against viruses, including influenza.

How can you increase your orgasm rate for better health?

The answer is simple: solo play. Masturbation has been linked to an increase in positive body image and self-confidence when it comes to sex. Sofie Roos, licensed sexologist and couples therapist, suggests this is the first step to reaching sexual satisfaction and a consistent orgasm rate. “Discover yourself and understand your own body and how you can orgasm. Find what physical stimulation you need, such as what sex positions you like best, but also what angles, pressure, and pace you enjoy the most.”

If you’re not in a relationship and would prefer to fly solo, it doesn’t hurt to invest in a good vibrator. Companies like Kama, Omgyesa, and Quinn have taken the lead on sexual wellness, allowing women to experience sex in new and exciting ways.

If you’re in a relationship and want to increase your orgasm rate with your partner, the key is to have a real conversation about sex—not just dirty talk. “All couples have different ways of communicating around sex, and a great way to do it if you find it difficult is in places where you’re most comfortable, like a car ride or a walk,” says Roos.

This conversation can (and should) feel safe and open. “It helps to have a conversation starter to ease into the topic, like an icebreaker,” says Roos. “For example, you can say you saw an advertisement for this new couples’ sex toy that promised to give amazing orgasms and you’re curious to try it, or that you read about a sex position with a higher chance for women to orgasm—like cowgirl or doggy style—and ask if they want to try.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Early Summer 2014 Q&A Show— Podcast #423 — 06/30/14

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hey sex fans,

My inbox is overflowing, so it’s time to turn our attention to the sexually worrisome in our audience. I have another swell sweet crackQ&A show in store for you today. Each of my correspondents is eager to share his or her sex and relationship concerns with us. And I will do my level best to make my responses informative, enriching and maybe even a little entertaining.

  • Bluetail Man ain’t gettin’ any at home so he’s thinkin’ about takin’ his needs elsewhere.
  • Mike is saddled with a meth monkey and we have an exchange about that.
  • Hanson is into pain; he wants to know if that’s normal. He and I have an exchange about that.
  • Ted wants his GF to give up her booty; she doesn’t want to.  We have an exchange about that
  • Sean is afraid his kinks will get him in trouble. He and I have an exchange about that.
  • Anonymous is filled with fear, rage, and lust.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

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Early Spring 2014 Q&A Show — Podcast #413 — 03/31/14

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hey sex fans,rifleman

After a spate of marvelous interview shows, it’s time to turn our attention to the sexually worrisome in our audience. I have a swell Q&A show in store for you today, which just so happens to be our last podcast before our annual spring break. Each of my correspondents is eager to share his or her sex and relationship concerns with us. And I will do my level best to make my responses informative, enriching and maybe even a little entertaining. And I think there will be enough time for us to do some sex science too. So please stay tuned, you won’t want to miss this.

  • Kennedy, Jim, and Ronald’s lives are being fucked up by meth.
  • Sam wants to know about and share some information about penis pumps.
  • Rebecca has a heartbreaking story to tell of the last days before her husband of 46 years died.
  • Tracy asks about babies and gender. So you know it’s time for some Sex Science.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

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Sex Advice With An Edge — Podcast #126 — 06/01/09

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hey sex fans,

From the looks of things, everyone is enjoying The Erotic Mind series as much as me.  I love spending my Mondays chatting with these brilliant artists and authors.  But while I’m busy doing that, my in-box and voicemail gets clogged with messages from the sexually worrisome looking for advice.  And ya know what?  They’ve come to the right palace; and so have you.  Today’s show is all Q&A.

bw_feet11So make yourself comfortable it’s gonna be a very interesting ride.

  • Jim is a cuckold.  Just relax and enjoy the torture, you pervert!
  • Lost Boy doesn’t know love from a hole in his head.
  • David and his lovely wife want to try a 3-way.
  • Woody wants some hot backdoor action with his wife, but there’s a problem!
  • Then there’s a whole bunch of quickies.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all of my podcasts on iTunes.  You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

drdickvod.jpg

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