Month: September 2024

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You’ve Heard Of 69, But What’s 68?

— Your Guide To The Sex Position

By Amanda Chatel

There’s a good chance you’ve heard of the 69 position, maybe even before you could really wrap your brain around the concept. The position — two bodies on top of each other, facing opposite directions, and simultaneously stimulating each other orally — can be a hotly debated topic amongst friends. There are people who love 69-ing and those who’ve realized not only is 69-ing not for them, but they completely loathe the position. Luckily, we live in a world of options, one of which is a little something called the 68 position.

“The [68] position is a very relaxing one, you are actually laying there to receive rather than being expected to do something in return,” certified sex and relationship psychotherapist Gigi Engle tells Cosmopolitan UK. “A lot of the time, when women and people with vulvas have problems with orgasm, it’s because they don’t think that they have an entitlement to pleasure, due to the way that they have been socialized to be givers and to always be servicing other people,” says Engle. “This position really lends itself to just laying back and enjoying.”

To get a better understanding of the 68 position, Women exclusively talked to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, sexpert for Lovers sexual wellness brand and retailer. If you’ve never heard of this gem of a position, then here’s everything you need to know.

How 68 differs from 69

The biggest difference between the 68 and 69 positions is that only one person is being orally stimulated. But similar to 69, your bodies are still stacked and facing opposite directions. One partner lays down on their back, while the other partner lays on top of them, facing the opposite direction, but face up. Each partner should have their feet firmly on the ground with their knees bent and legs comfortably spread enough to receive oral sex. It may take some experimentation the first time around, but every sex position takes a bit of work when initially explored.

“People may find the 68 position better than the 69 because of multiple reasons,” Stewart tells Women. For starters, height differences between partners can mess with alignment of the genitals and mouths for 69-ing, she says. There’s also the matter of trying to get your head in the game during 69-ing, which for some people can be near impossible. “If they’re unable to multitask, the 68 is ideal because they only have to be concentrating on one kind of behavior,” says Stewart. “It’s also helpful if you just want to concentrate on your pleasure without any distractions like genitals in your face.”

Advantages to 68 sex position

The biggest advantage that the 68 sex position has to offer (and is the real selling point), is that each partner is able to concentrate better while giving oral, as well be more present while receiving, Stewart says. There’s also the fact that 68 allows for a “spectacular view,” she points out. Let’s be honest, during 69-ing your partner’s genitals are so close to your face that your sense of sight is pretty much deprived. All you can really see is just flesh and more flesh, and not the particulars. For people who need visual stimulation to become aroused and stay aroused, 69 just doesn’t do it. But with 68, it’s all right there — and not just your partner’s genitals, but their body and face too. It can be really sexy to make eye contact with your partner during oral sex — something you never get in the 69 position.

How to truly enhance the experience

Despite the fact that only one person is giving oral in the 68 position, both partners can still stay active. It takes two to tango, which means that just because you’re not giving oral, it’s not okay to mentally check out. When you do, you’re denying both you and your partner what can be a really intense and intimate experience.

“You should always be active unless your role is to be passive,” says Stewart. “As an active person in the sexual experience, that means that you are giving feedback (moans, talking, etc.) to let your partner know how you’re feeling.” After all, communication (all forms of it) keeps the momentum going and allows both partners to know that they’re on the same page.

If your partner is new or it’s a one-night stand, be sure to communicate beforehand as well. Having sex with someone you just met can be really exciting, like opening a gift, but because sex is an umbrella term for so many sexual acts, you want at least a glimpse of what you’re both into — especially if there’s the possibility of having to navigate a kink gap. “Know which tactics that they have as sexual assets that will titillate your partner in the ways that they like,” says Stewart. “Being able to connect to your lover authentically is a great way to foster trust, safety, and security.” Also, don’t forget to tackle the consent chat before you do anything.

Things to consider before diving into 68

Not every body is able to move in the exact same way, and it’s important to keep that in mind whether you’re planning to 68, 69, do it doggy style, or try some super advanced position you come across in the Kama Sutra. Just because something exists, it doesn’t mean everyone can (or should) do it. “When doing [the 68] position, keep in mind your physical limitations and be cognizant of your physical abilities,” says Stewart. “Nothing is worse than getting into a position you think you like and then having it be ruined by a body part that is too achy or unable to withstand the sexual experience.”

It’s also worth noting that sex-related injuries are far more common than you might think. According to a survey by Superdrug Online Doctor, a whopping 62% of people in a roughly 1,000-person survey reported injuring themselves during sex. Among the sex positions most likely to result in an injury? Doggy style — for people with vulvas and people with penises. So ease your way into the 68 position, make sure both you and your partner are comfy, then let the oral stimulation commence.

6 Reasons Why 69-Ing May Not Be The Best Sex Position For You

Somewhere down the line, every person is introduced to the 69 position. In most cases, they hear about it first and, depending on your age and sexual experience, the mere idea of it can be perplexing. We’re talking about a position in which two people are facing opposing directions — as in head-to-toes — and giving each other oral sex at the same time. Why? Who came up with this? As if it weren’t hard enough to garner the necessary stamina and confidence to be on top, let alone this.

Like a lot of sex positions, this one goes way back. It appears in the Kama Sutra, which was written somewhere between 400 BCE and 200 CE, and is explained as “When a man and woman lie down in an inverted order, with the head of one toward the feet of the other, and carry on this congress, it is called the Congress of a Crow.” But how the name evolved from “congress of a cow” to 69 can be attributed to, of course, the French — leave it to the French to come up with a pretty term for anything sex-related. At the beginning of the French Revolution a sex manual entitled “The Whore’s Catechisms” was published and in it, this notorious position was renamed “soixante-neuf,” the French translation for sixty-nine. And the name stuck.

Although there are those who love 69-ing, for many it’s not a great position for a slew of reasons. If you don’t love, or even like 69-ing, you’re not alone.

Height differences

It’s pretty rare that you come across a couple who are the exact same height, especially in cishet relationships. However, if two people want to pull off a 69 and make it enjoyable enough to be an almost-perfect situation, then being the same height is key. Granted, a couple of inches in height differentiation aren’t a big deal, but if you’re five-foot and your partner is six-two, that’s quite a disparity and 69 isn’t likely to be the best fit for you two.

“69’ing is not actually ‘nice,’” a Reddit user wrote. “If both partners aren’t well-matched in how tall they are, it just doesn’t work well … One person lies on the bottom and is kind of crushed. If you don’t orgasm simultaneously, it’s just awkward.”

Although there’s the debate that if you perform 69 on your sides, there’s no crushing involved even if the two partners aren’t remotely close in height, it can still be tricky. If you and your partner have a mismatched height situation, then skip 69.

It involves too much multi-tasking

Some people aren’t multitaskers. They don’t have it in their DNA and that’s fine! If the world were full of only multitaskers, far too much would be accomplished and, honestly, we don’t really need that. The 69 position is multitasking and then some. Just think about the position and what it entails from both partners: attention to detail, being totally present, and trying to offer up some really great oral sex while also trying to focus on your own pleasure.

“Female perspective: There’s too much going on at once,” wrote a Reddit user. “It’s almost impossible to concentrate if the other person is doing a good job. If the other person isn’t doing a good job then why bother with bells and whistles for them if they are just lapping at you like a thirsty dog drinking water … It’s a totally overhyped sex position.”

Contrary to the belief that cis men are into 69-ing, this Reddit comment got a very apropos response: “Male here and I 100% agree with you,” wrote the Reddit user. “I can’t speak to fellatio, but I know cunnilingus takes some concentration to be done well. So 69 is like doing math problems while on a roller coaster: you won’t enjoy the coaster and you’ll f*** up the math. It’s better for everyone involved to just take turns … I put 69 in the same category as shower sex and beach sex. They sound nice on paper but are typically disappointing in practice.” There’s no sense in giving and receiving mediocre oral sex when you can give and receive fantastic oral when you subtract multitasking from the scenario.

It’s not orgasm-friendly

As the Reddit users pointed out, with all that’s going on, concentration goes out the window. When that happens, having an orgasm is hard for both partners — no matter if they’re penis owners or vulva owners. Even if your end game in 69 isn’t focused on climaxing, your brain is still immersed in things that you normally wouldn’t be thinking about if you and your partner partook in oral sex one at a time.

For example, there’s all that lovely face-smothering that can make breathing a bit of a challenge. Then there’s that distracting lapping and sucking sound that, when oral is performed on each person one at a time, isn’t as noticeable because there are things like moaning and being able to lose yourself in the moment fully. During 69, you can become overly aware of things you wouldn’t normally even notice. For those with a vulva, trying to orgasm is often difficult enough.

“[The media] has been guilty of telling women how orgasms are supposed to happen,” clinical psychologist and sex educator Lawrence Siegel told Healthline. “To have an orgasm you have to be able to let go and allow it to happen, which is an issue for a lot of people … People wonder if they’re pleasing their partner enough, or they get self-conscious about their own bodies in certain positions. Porn is a big misconception about how people are ‘supposed’ to look, feel, and react during sex. And a lot of that is fake.” If you’re someone who struggles to orgasm with a partner or without one and want to orgasm with your oral sex, then 69 probably isn’t for you.

You can’t communicate

According to a 2018 study published in Sex and Marital Therapy, ultimate sexual satisfaction is directly linked to communication — this includes both verbal and non-verbal. But when you’re 69-ing, you can’t verbally communicate (for obvious reasons), nor can you non-verbally communicate, again, for obvious reasons. It’s not exactly the most forgiving position when it comes to movement that would let you non-verbally communicate to your partner that you’re enjoying a technique, disliking something they’re doing, or if they moved their tongue a little to left, things would feel much better. You’re sort of trapped in a locked-in position, both mouths full of genitals, and minimal ability to communicate what you want to tell them.

People who like to talk during sex and feel comfortable expressing what they’re experiencing, giving direction, or are open to receiving direction, aren’t likely to find satisfaction in 69. Sure, you can “uh-huh” with your throat, but that’s about it — especially if your bodies are really close and you have a penis in your mouth that you have to struggle to get out of your mouth to say even one word. Also, if you’re not awkward about dirty talk and are really into it while being intimate, it’s definitely not happening during 69.

It can actually leave you with some pain

Two words: neck pain. Anyone who’s ever tried 69 laying down, either one on top of the other or side-by-side knows that neck pain, if you hold the position too long, is a given. Certain parts of the body aren’t made to be held in specific positions for extended periods of time, so when these areas are pushed to the limit, pain inevitably follows.

According to a survey of over 1000 Europeans and Americans by Superdrug Online Doctor, 62% of people reported experiencing sex-related injuries at some point in their life. Although doggy style appears to be the most dangerous for those with vulvas and missionary the most precarious for penis owners, 69 is also on the list. As the survey found 2.6% of penis owners and 1.4% of vulva owners have been victims of 69ing gone awry. While the survey didn’t say how these injuries occurred or what they were, they still happened. There’s also the risk of an over-excited person wielding their penis in a way that can get a little aggressive.

“It’s not uncommon for an enthusiastic penis-haver to press down a bit too far into their partner’s mouth, restricting airflow and causing a bit of discomfort,” sex and relationships therapist Stefani Goerlich, LMSW-Clinical, LISW told Insider. If you’re accident-prone, already have some aches and pains that you’d prefer not to add to, or you’re a big fan of breathing while engaging in sexual activity, then maybe look toward other sex positions instead of 69.

It’s not conducive to summer weather

As you’ve probably noticed, people get horny in the summer. We have the sun, more skin showing, holidays, and just a general upbeat attitude about life as a whole. So, naturally, sex is on the brain for a lot of people — and research proves it. According to a 2013 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, a five-year-long analysis found that once summer rolls around, Google searches for porn, prostitution, and online dating skyrocket. The study noted that the findings further prove that seasonal trends around STIs, condom sales, and abortions increasing as well. But while many people may be in the mood to get it on, there’s one position you shouldn’t get into when things are hot and sweaty.

“The 69 position is best avoided because it obviously means bodies are super-close together, rubbing down,” sex expert Ruby Payne told LadBible. “And even if you do it on the side, there’s more contact with the bed fabrics … Stick to the ‘unmutual’ kind of oral in a heatwave.”

That’s right; a sex expert has actually advised against summer 69-ing. If July and August are your months to sexually shine before Labor Day, then 69 isn’t for you. But guess what? That’s totally okay! Despite what we see in porn, most people aren’t 69-ing all the time. In fact, a 2015 survey by Uncovering Intimacy found that only 17% of people favor the 69 position for oral sex, while 46% prefer laying on their back with their partner between their legs. So there you go — you’re not alone and there are many of us, so you’re in fabulous company.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How do you give your kids ‘The Talk’ in 2024?

— It’s World Sexual Health Day, and now’s the time to dig into the birds and the bees, debunk some myths, and look at how we approach Sex Ed through a 2024 lens.

By Sarah Gill

“Students are increasingly demanding an education that reflects their different realities and needs, not one rooted in shame-based approaches,” Elisa Belmonte, Research Communications Manager at Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland (RCSI) tells us.

In celebration of World Sexual Health Day, now’s our chance to sit down and consider the myriad ways we can ensure that the next generation can get the Sex Ed we wish we had. One that’s free from shame and stigma, that delves into the areas of positive consent, periods, contraception, sexually transmitted infections and so on so that young people can be equipped with the knowledge and understanding of themselves, their bodies, and the real world around them.

Dr Caroline Kelleher, a lecturer in the Department of Health Psychology in RCSI and a contributor to expert lead sexual health education outreach programme Debunking the Myths, says: “Historically, sexuality education has been heteronormative, predominantly focusing on the sexual experiences and practises within cisgender, heterosexual relationships. The range of sexual orientations and gender identities that are part of our society and always have been, have remained ‘in the closet’ in sexuality education, and it is time this changed.

“Young people need to feel visible, represented and supported in the education they receive, and fully aware of the knowledge and taught skills they will need to explore their sexuality in a healthy, safe and consensual way.”

Here, we speak with both Elisa Belmonte and Dr Caroline Kelleher on how programmes like Debunking the Myths represent a step in the right direction, and how parents can ensure that their children get the Sex Ed they so require…

Can you break down what’s covered in present-day Sex Education?

Sex education in Ireland, known as Relationships and Sexuality Education (RSE), is part of the broader Social, Personal, and Health Education (SPHE) curriculum. The SPHE curriculum (both for the Junior Cycle and Senior Cycle) has been recently updated, to reflect the increasing evidence of the challenges young people in Ireland face as they grow up, and the growing recognition of the significant benefits of school-based health education programs for their social, emotional, and physical well-being.

The school ethos plays a significant role in its approach to RSE, which can lead to differences in the quality and scope of RSE that students receive.

The Debunking the Myths program is designed to complement the Senior Cycle RSE curriculum, providing students with access to healthcare professionals who can address specific questions in an age-specific, safe, unbiased environment, contributing to counter harmful misinformation and empower young people to make informed decisions about their health. The feedback we’ve received from teachers is they really appreciate the added value that our programme is bringing.

Is the shroud of shame that has always existed around sex and Sex Ed still there, or are programmes like Debunking the Myths having the desired effect?

Social attitudes towards sex and sexuality have evolved, and programs like Debunking the Myths are playing a significant role in driving this change among the younger generation. These initiatives are helping to open up conversations and normalise discussions about topics that were once considered taboo, such as STIs, pleasure, contraception, and anatomy.

Students who attend Debunking the Myths workshops consistently express the value they find in having medical experts delivering the workshops. Their presence creates a more objective and trustworthy environment which is crucial in dispelling misconceptions about sexual assault, contraception, and sexually transmitted infections. Having trusted, knowledgeable sources reassures students and helps break down barriers to discussing these critical issues openly.

Moreover, students are increasingly demanding an education that reflects their different realities and needs, not one rooted in shame-based approaches. Programmes like Debunking the Myths are responding to this demand, providing a relevant and comprehensive understanding of sexual health. While progress is being made, we need a collective effort to enhance conversations and ensure that sex education continues to evolve in a positive and inclusive direction.

Are the Senior Cycle secondary school students who engage with these workshops open to discussion, or relatively open minded?

Most Senior Cycle secondary school students who engage with these workshops are open to discussion and display an open-minded attitude when it comes to conversations about consent, and gender identity and sexuality. Our workshops are designed to be highly interactive.

We are conscious that teenagers may not feel comfortable to speak up in an environment where they are surrounded by their peers and teachers, so the workshops utilise an online application called Mentimeter which allows teenagers to submit questions anonymously and to answer polls and quizzes in real time with answers being incorporated in slides projected to all attendees.

To date, we have received more than 2,000 anonymous questions during our workshops, which highlight students’ eagerness to know more. They are the ones actively demanding an education that addresses their needs and reflects their diverse experiences.

What are some tips you would give parents when it comes to approaching the birds, the bees, and beyond?

Dr Caroline Kelleher says: “For parents, it is about providing a safe space for your children to speak about these topics, gently letting them know that you are here to listen and support them. You may not know the right thing to say or the answers to all of their questions, but creating a supportive environment at home is a strong first step.”

Could you share some resources that might come in useful?

The team at Debunking the Myths have created a dedicated section on our website where we collate trustworthy information and existing educational materials from reputable sources which can be accessed HERE.

Among the resources cited on our website:

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A College Student’s Guide to Safer Sex

— Tips from an Intimacy Coordinator

Safe sex is incredibly important for sexual health.

Learn about boundaries, consent, and pleasure with the C.R.I.S.P method.

By Ju Derraik

Sexual health is not just about testing and contraception, although there are plenty of resources available on campus to help with that. It’s also about creating a healthy relationship with your boundaries and with pleasure. Yes, sex should be safe, but it should also be meaningful, whether it’s to connect with a partner, with an identity, or with yourself.

As an intimacy coordinator and someone who spent this summer connecting with students about consent culture at Orientation, sexual health is really important to me. Talking to incoming students this summer brought to mind my freshman self, hailing from little to no high-school sex education (all we had was an abstinence pact… that only girls had to sign). While I handed out Condom Fairy flyers and consent stickers, I thought about the advice I would have given my first-year self.

Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage.” Cheesy as it is, his adage rings true in how intimacy works for student films, which has taught me about intimacy off-camera. As an intimacy coordinator, I work with actors and directors to plan, choreograph, and ethically execute intimate scenes.

When I’m on set, be it a high-five, fist bump, or elbow touch, I always have my actors tap in before intimacy work. ‘Tapping in’ is a kinesthetic practice at the start of every intimate scene. It’s a way to say:

“Hey! I’m here, present in my body! I see you. Do you see me too? “

I use the consent acronym C.R.I.S.P on set to help actors be curious about their boundaries. Applying C.R.I.S.P to real-life sex, I encourage you to do the same:

Considered

Having consideration is not just about asking yourself, ‘Do I want this?’ It’s about preparing in advance so that sex can be a source of pleasure, not distress. With BU Student Health Service’s access to free and low-cost contraception and birth control options, you can ensure not only that your consent is considered, but that you consider your consent.

Revokable

I always tell my actors, that “No” is simply information. You have the right to change your mind at any point during intimacy! You always have a choice. Your sexual partner(s) should be able to graciously receive that information freely.

Informed

Informed consent isn’t just a form for BU’s social science labs. Staying informed about your sexual health is an act of consideration for your partner(s) and yourself. The chief way to stay informed is to get tested; SHS makes it easy. Remember! Plenty of STIs can be asymptomatic. Go with your partner(s) or friends (post-brunch activity?).

Specific

Consent is situation-specific. My actors’ agreement to one point of contact does not mean an agreement to the next. The same rings true for sex. Past consent does not mean present consent; present consent should be enthusiastic! College is for exploration in more than one sense. Find out what you don’t like. Find out what you do! (And feel empowered asking for it).

Participatory

Without my actor’s participation, there can be no intimacy. Although this one seems self-explanatory, our generation tends to forget it the most. In reality, sex does not have to be romantic, but it shouldn’t be dissociative. Yes, consent involves checking in with your partner, but it also involves checking in with yourself. Be present in experiencing your sexuality. You can only learn if you participate.

Today and every day, while I urge you to tap into BU’s safer sex resources, I also encourage you to tap into your built-in resource: your body. Invest time into yourself; learn about your boundaries. Forego judgment and be curious about what you like. You can find that curiosity using C.R.I.S.P or any method of reflection you prefer best. Whatever it takes to tap in and say:

“Hey! I’m here, present in my body! I see you. Do you see me too? “

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sober sex is on the rise

— This is the month to try it

Avoid the ‘next morning regret’

By Ebony Leigh

With new stats revealing that the majority of Aussies prefer to boink without the booze, Sober October is a great time to give sex without the sauce a red hot go. 

It’s a tag that plenty of us wear proudly. “We’re Australian – we’re a nation of big drinkers,” we laugh, before raising another tinnie.

But what about when our rich culture of beers at the footy, pints at the pub and a few too many on a Friday starts to have ramifications on our sex lives?

Because that’s exactly what’s happening according to new data from Lovehoney, the leading sexual wellness brand.

A country of ‘next day regret’

When it comes to who’s done the dirty while drunk, seven in 10 (69 per cent) admitted that they’d had sex intoxicated, while a quarter of the nation (24 per cent) said that most of the one-night stands they’d had had been while drinking. This last stat was highest among 35 to 44 year olds with one in three (33 per cent) going home with someone after a boozer.

Which of course begs the question, was it any good? For 3.4 million Aussies the answer is tragically no, according to Lovehoney’s survey, with 16 per cent of people confiding that they’d had a negative experience while having drunken sex.

“Probably anyone who has had a drink and gone home with someone is going to have experiences like ‘next day regret’,” Lovehoney sex and relationship expert Christine Rafe tells Body+Soul. “Whether it’s something they said or something they did.”

Because while we think we need alcohol to give us a bit of Dutch courage to let go and lower our inhibitions, it doesn’t always turn out so well. “We think we are going to be more confident and more able to ask for things that are maybe outside of our character or things that we potentially wouldn’t do as our sober, fully conscious selves,” the expert explains.

But the thing about alcohol is that it impacts our blood circulatory system, which isn’t great for sexual function. “So, yes, confidence is one thing, but actually once you have a few drinks sometimes you can end up in situations where you find it more difficult to get or maintain an erection, or you experience difficulties with ejaculation or even the engorgement of the clitoris which is responsible for pleasure,” Rafe says.

Which is absolutely worth keeping in mind. “Consider what actually is the quality and the pleasure of the sexual experience when alcohol is affecting you from a physiological sense,” she suggests.

More Aussies prefer sober sex

The great news is that we might be turning a corner in the cornerstone of Australia’s drinking culture, with a sober lifestyle more on trend than ever. Lovehoney data shows that only half (53 per cent) of the country now drink regularly, while 15 no longer turn to booze and nine per cent have never tasted alcohol. This is largest in the 18 to 24 year old cohort, with 18 per cent not having ever picked up a drink.

Which leads us to the bedroom with 51 per cent of people saying they prefer to have sex sober and 42 per cent calling intimacy more enjoyable when they’re teetotal.

“Sober sex heightens the emotional connection because we can really connect with someone properly, and it opens the door for clearer communication,” says Rafe. “And also, it’s more pleasurable because we have more access to blood circulating to our genital region, which supports with arousal, pleasure and sexual function.”

It also makes future sex with that person even better. “When it comes to arousal, remembering a previous sexual experience acts as foreplay for the next one,” the sex and relationship expert says. “So we really want those memories to be clear so we can actually remember the things that we did.”

How to build sexual confidence without needing a drink

With Aussies reevaluating their relationship with alcohol, Rafe says there are plenty of ways to boost confidence in bed without a glass of grog.

#1. Practice sexual communication outside of sexual experiences

“Try writing down what you know you like and what you want,” the sexpert says, “and practicing that so you don’t need to have five wines to be able to say, ‘I really want you to go down on me’.”

#2. Plan sober dates

“Look for ideas that don’t involve bars or drinking,” Rafe encourages. “So I know Lovehoney has their Oh! Sexploration Vouchers 52 Weeks of Adventures set to guide couples through a year of exciting and spontaneous sexual experiences. So trying something like that can give you ideas for what to do on a casual date or even with a long term partner.”

#3. Get sexting 

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Take away the pressure and say it in a text instead. “If you feel like you don’t know how to be confident, sometimes sending something over text can help,” the intimacy expert says. “You could say, “I really want to try that new toy’, or “I really want you to go down on me’, or “I love the way you _ when we have sex, what I’d really love is to _.”

#4. When in doubt, make out 

“When people are nervous to initiate sex, they think they need alcohol for that,” Rafe says. “So initiate a make out instead. You don’t have to initiate full blown penetrative sex from the get go. Starting with, ‘I’m going to initiate to make out with this person’. And then once you have a bit of arousal, it actually supports your confidence in initiating something further. So you don’t have to initiate penetrative sex from moment one.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The seven things only a sex therapist will tell you

— If your sex life is awkward, unenjoyable or simply non-existent, a sex therapist shares her top tips to improve intimacy

By

As a sex therapist, I make space for people to let go of what they think should be happening and move towards what they truly desire. I often see clients who are stuck in their sex lives, or not having the kind of pleasure they want. There are seven key things I have learnt in my time as a sex therapist that can help individuals break free and improve their sex lives.

If people avoid talking about sex, it is often for the wrong reasons

It’s so common for people to be avoidant about the topic of sex that the underlying reasons for it are rarely even considered. I have found that at the root of any avoidance or awkwardness there is usually something the individual has catastrophised. They avoid talking about sex as, unconsciously, they believe that doing so could reveal catastrophic truths, such as that their partner totally fantasises about someone else or that others are far more competent in the bedroom than they are. These unexamined worst fears are rarely the reality.

A client may say “I think he really doesn’t find me attractive anymore, since I’ve given birth” and my response is “OK, but what makes you think that, have you asked him? Have you asked what might be going on with him, or been curious about the changes in your sex life?”

If I could give only one piece of advice, it would be to let go of assumptions and expectations and find out what is going on with your partner.

Shame is the ultimate passion killer

Individuals often carry unconscious shame, which can greatly impact desire. Feelings of shame may be linked to negative sexual experiences but shame can date back to childhood. It can be surprising for people to realise that their sex life is being affected by beliefs and feelings originally unrelated to sex. For example, a child may have learnt to be ashamed of their own needs if they were expected to suppress them in favour of other people’s. As an adult, this may cause them to focus only on their partner and to totally disconnect from their own pleasure and enjoyment. In therapy, this relates to what we call conditions of worth: believing that we are worthy only if we meet certain conditions. Unpicking these conditions of worth can pave the way for far greater passion.

One particular client, a single woman in her 30s, was struggling with sexual shame. We talked about a difficult sexual experience and she came to the realisation that the experience had not been consensual. Once she was able to see this for what it actually was, and to think about how her body had felt, the shame began to dissipate. She then reframed the experience as sexual assault. It was a tough realisation, but this alignment was ultimately incredibly freeing for her.

Libido and orgasm type can be changed

Many aspects of a sexual relationship can be transformed by therapeutic work. A mismatched libido is very common but there is great potential for sex drives to become more in sync. There is a playful erotic exercise which can be really helpful: the couple ‘show and tell’ by demonstrating to each other what they like through self-pleasure. Couples find this game-changing for increasing their desire and libido and I highly recommend anyone in a trusting partnership try this exercise.

Similarly, people may have a fixed way to reach orgasm, but this too can change. By spending time focussing on their senses and exploring touch, they may discover, for example, that they can orgasm from nipple play.

A recently divorced woman in her 50s came to see me because she was feeling lost within her sexual self. She had been a wife and a parent for more than half her life and was keen to enter into a new form of relationship and sexual adventure but didn’t know where to start. After working on self pleasure and becoming more aware of her body’s responses, she found that she had a new fantasy life, focussed on being dominant rather than submitting. She went from low confidence and self-worth to loving her body and feeling empowered about having choices; she was reminded that her relationships, and her life, were in her control.

An achievement mindset is not helpful when it comes to sex

Goal-orientated pressure can really diminish sex. This can be particularly apparent for clients who are trying to conceive, as the pressure of timing can lead to difficulty maintaining an erection. But striving to ‘achieve’ can cause psychosexual issues in many other scenarios. People who experience issues such as vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, delayed, early or absent ejaculation will often be feeling a great deal of pressure – from a partner, societal norms, or themselves.

People would be far less concerned about achieving certain sexual goals if they knew the wide variation in people’s experience and knowledge. Some women are unfamiliar with their own genitals; some married couples have never had sex; some men do not know how to perform penetration. I see couples, for example, who have been to the doctors for their struggle with conception; yet when they come to see me and we talk it becomes apparent that penetration isn’t actually occurring. Little to no sexual experience is far more common than many would assume.

Planning sex can be genuinely sexy – plus it reduces the risk of rejection

People tend to expect that there should be total spontaneity in their sex life; that they should be having unpredictable sex every other day of the week, on the kitchen counter; and that it should all just ‘happen’. However, for most people, life simply gets in the way. The expectation of spontaneity also means that sex isn’t talked about beforehand; couples assume they should be completely aligned and just know what each other wants. But this is unrealistic.

People are usually resistant to planning sex, but it can be very sexy and erotic – communication throughout the day about the where and the when can build up the arousal. Equally, deciding in advance not to have sex, feels so much better than one person spontaneously initiating, only to have the other person turn away.

Planning sex was transformative for a couple in their 30s who, when they first came to see me, thought they would never be able to have sex again. The woman had MS, the man had painful arthritic hips, and every time they tried to have sex one or both of them would be in pain and take days to recover. Attempting to have sex had become a tense and sad experience. Initially we worked on building intimacy and connection through non-penetrative exercises, then we thought carefully about their bodies and came up with different sexual positions for them to try including the use of supportive cushions. They were delighted to be able to be intimate in these new ways.

Authenticity, not perceived attractiveness, is what is important

So many people, regardless of gender, have negative feelings about their body, worry about their appearance or about being ‘enough’ for their partner. But it’s not looks that make a satisfying sexual connection: it is feelings – genuine and authentic feelings. Authenticity is the antidote to shame and insecurity and the key to intimacy.

If people are struggling with insecurity we can look at the relationship; whether they are accepted for who they are, and whether they take pride in all that their body does for them. Working with people around their truth, their authentic self, is powerful.

There is such a thing as sex homework

Sex homework can involve journaling, self exploration exercises or whole body massage. But a classic sex homework task is to temporarily avoid penetration. This removes the perceived goal from sex and allows for more focus on sensations and emotions. This can be transformative for people, even if they’ve been having sex together for years.

It is my hope that, regardless of where they are now, people can release fear and shame and experience more joy and pleasure. Which is often easier than they think!

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Can Meditation Actually Save Your Sex Life?

— Bringing mindfulness to the bedroom

By Wendy Wisner

Sex and meditation are not two things we tend to think of as a pairing. One is typically quiet, relaxing, peaceful, and still. The other is, well…sex.

But meditation is not just about sitting crossed legged on the floor and trying to empty your mind. Meditation is simply being mindful. That can happen during a formal meditation practice, while taking a walk, washing the dishes, as well as including “body-centered techniques”, such as focusing on sensory perceptions.1

So what happens when you combine sensory-focused meditation and mindfulness with sex? Well, you get something called sexual meditation. “Sexual meditation is the practice of combining meditation techniques with sexual activity or intimate connection to deepen physical and emotional awareness,” says Sophie Cress, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist at SexualAlpha. “Its purpose is to enhance the sexual experience by fostering a state of mindfulness, where both partners are fully present and attuned to each other.” Research shows that combining mindfulness with sex can increase sexual health and satisfaction.2

Ready to take a deep dive into meditation and sexuality, including how to practice more meditative sex, either alone or with a partner? We’ve got you covered.

Understanding Sexual Meditation

The concept of sexual meditation is fairly open-ended. It’s simply when you combine sex or sexuality with ideas of mindfulness and meditation. That can look different for different folks.

Shamyra Howard, LCSW, AASECT, certified sex therapist and sexologist at Lovehoney Group, defines sexual mediation like this: “Sexual meditation involves focusing on the present moment and being fully aware of sensations, emotions, and thoughts during sexual activity, whether solo or with a partner.”

Sexual meditation combines the practice of mindfulness and the concept of body awareness3 by focusing on breath and sensation without judgment. “It’s all about allowing yourself to exist and feel all the feels,” Howard says.

Sexual meditation is a conversation between the mind and body, and it’s a process of expressing gratitude for what your body can do and feel in the moment.
— SHAMYRA HOWARD, LCSW, AASECT

Brian Tierney, PhD, licensed psychologist at The Somatic Doctor, describes sexual meditation as a “presence practice,” or a type of body awareness discipline that enables a person to develop the capacity to perceive more and more pleasure. “The purpose is to take more delight in life, to experience the expansive pleasure of having a body-in-relationship,” he says.

“Sexual meditation can delightfully combine the benefits of a mindfulness practice—the training of the mind to remain present, usually by noticing how much it escapes to the past and future—with an expansion of body awareness so that every nook and cranny of the body can tingle with a maximum amount of pleasure from moment to moment,” Dr. Tierney adds.

Exploring the Connection Between Meditation and Sexuality

Meditation and sexuality are more connected than many of us realize, says Howard. That’s because sexuality is not just about sexual pleasure or gratification. “Sexuality includes emotional, psychological, and social dimensions,” she says. “It’s a fluid aspect of human identity that incorporates our sexual preferences, desires, behaviors, and expressions.” and is influenced by not only biology but psychological and social factors as well.4

In other words, sex already has some aspects of mindfulness in it, because you can’t experience sexual pleasure without being attuned to your senses. What adding mindfulness does to the equation is that it can make sex all the more pleasurable. “The benefits of sexual meditation include enhanced arousal, desire, orgasm, and overall sexual well-being,” Howard describes.

Techniques for Sexual Meditation

Alright, let’s get down to business. How exactly can you integrate sexual meditation practices into your sex life?

First, it’s important to note that many people have complicated relationships with their bodies, which may be related to pain, past traumas, disability or body image concerns. For that reason, when practicing sexual meditation, it is important to move at a pace that feels comfortable to you. Second, sexual meditation and mindful body awareness is something you can do solo, or with a partner. It’s really up to you, and the techniques described below work in both instances. However you are doing it, Cress recommends starting by setting the mood. “To practice sexual meditation, one can begin by setting a calm, intentional environment free from distractions,” she advises.

Howard shared her top tips for getting started with your sexual meditation practice:

Breathe

Howard suggests breathing slowly with your eyes closed, in through your mouth and out through your nose. “Place one hand on your belly and the other on your genital area, and as you breathe in and out, think of what would feel good, no judgment,” she explains. “It’s okay if you get a genital response, and it’s OK if you don’t.” You’re just here to feel and explore.

If you are with a partner, you can breathe together this way. “Then, you and your partner can place a hand on each other’s genitals while breathing together,” Howard suggests. Again, keep it a no judgment zone, just letting each other feel whatever you feel.

Take it Slow

Mediative sex is usually by its nature, very slow—slow and intentional. This can be great for many people, but also has challenges. “This slow sensory experience can bring up different emotions and feelings,” Howard shares. “Some people laugh, some cry, some have the best orgasm they’ve ever had. Remember, this isn’t a time to judge yourself. This is a time to allow yourself to feel.”

Feel the Feels

Mindful sex is all about letting yourself lean into whatever sensation you are feeling, and just really feel them. Howard suggests paying attention to textures, temperature, and pressure.

Ask yourself questions like, “What does it feel like when you breathe in and out?” or “How does your or your partner’s genital area feel under or in your hand?”

Howard suggests slowly rubbing your hands over different body parts, placing your attention on skin texture and temperature. If you are with a partner, you can “use your mouth to tell your partner where to touch you,” Howard says. “Or use your hand to guide your partner to where you’d like them to touch you.”

Practice Delaying Orgasm

Howard recommends sinking into each moment during sex, feeling each sensation deliberately. “During partnered sex, go slow and continue to focus on sensations,” Howard says. “Pay attention to sounds, smells, and tastes to keep you grounded in the moment.”

Often, this slowness means not rushing to “get off” or orgasm. “Practice edging or delaying orgasm at least three times and focus on the sensations only,” she suggests. Sometimes you may not end up orgasming at all, but often you will, and you may find that these orgasms are super intense and pleasurable.

Benefits of Integrating Meditation and Sexuality

Sexual mediation has numerous benefits—just take it from Dr. Tierney, a huge proponent of sexual meditation, both personally, and for his clients. For him, sexual meditation is about taking sex slowly, so that you can focus on each sensory moment.

“The simple story for me is that when I finally learned how to engage in slow sex, to truly divest from chasing orgasms, it felt like I lost my virginity again (seriously),” he shares.

Dr. Tierney also shared some client stories, which illustrate some of the benefits of integrating mediation and sexuality:

  • “One couple felt like they were starting their marriage over again after 26 years of being together.”
  • “Another couple laughed so hard while they were practicing slow sex that they had to take a pause, not because they were reaching 8.88 on the orgasm scale, but because their ribs started cramping up.”
  • “Another couple realized that they had been avoiding looking at each other during sex for decades and decided to make more eye contact: it completely transformed their love live and radically diminished their highly-entrenched conflicts which were basically a result of them not seeing eye-to-eye.”

The research on the benefits of meditative sex mostly focuses on women, with several studies finding that women who meditate experience increase sexual function.5 The experts we spoke to say that sexual meditation isn’t just beneficial for women, and it doesn’t just make you have better sex or orgasms.

According to Cress, the benefits of sexual meditation include:

  • Enhanced emotional intimacy
  • Improved sexual satisfaction
  • Reduced performance anxiety
  • Better communication between partners
  • Helping people overcome sexual blocks or inhibition by promoting self-awareness and relaxation
  • More meaningful and pleasurable sexual experiences

Addressing Common Questions and Concerns

While sexual meditation may sound awesome on paper, but that doesn’t mean people won’t experience doubts or concerns.

One concern people have is that sex should not be a discipline—because the idea of discipline runs counter to the idea of sex and letting go, says Dr. Tierney. But this is a misconception, according to Dr. Tierney, and the benefits of the practice outweigh any doubts about intentionality or scheduling.

“This is a hang-up that should be left behind if you want to meet your pleasure and bliss potential together,” he says. If your goal is mind-blowing, sensual sex, you should know that it often takes practice and discipline, Dr. Tierney says.

Another question people have about sexual meditation is: “Am I doing it right?” Howard says that any suggestions about sexual meditations are just that—suggestions. You get to decide what feels right for your body, and what meditative sex means to you. “Explore to find out what works best for you,” Howard recommends.

Finally, people often feel concern that sexual meditation will take out the mystery behind sex or make it less spontaneous or romantic. But Cress says you don’t need to worry about that. “With guidance and practice, individuals often find that sexual meditation enhances rather than detracts from the natural flow of intimacy, helping them to become more present and connected,” she assures.

Conclusion

If you are looking to have more sensational sex—sex where all of your senses are awakened and on fire—sexual meditation might be just what you need. Sexual meditation is just what it sounds like: it means practicing mindfulness, intentionality, and bodily/emotional awareness during sexual acts.2 It’s not for everyone, but people who practice it often experience increased pleasure, deeper connection, and more meaningful sex.

Please contact a licensed mental health professional or a sex educator if you would like more information about sexual meditation or if you have general questions about sex and sexuality.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Easy Peasy Guide to Gender and Sexual Identity Terms

By Michael Krivich

Am I the only one who thinks that, like every day, there is a new term to describe an individual’s gender or sexual identity? Using a tired old sports analogy, keeping a score without a scorecard is hard. That is what it seems like some days with the seemingly constant flow of new terms and definitions.

The genesis of this article was when, the other day, I read a news story about someone who claimed they were abrosexual. Being exposed to a new term, I needed to look it up to understand the content and context of what was written. My curiosity got me thinking about the multitude of terms and subsequent definitions used to describe someone’s sexual orientation and gender identification.

What I learned is that the language surrounding sexual and gender identity is constantly evolving and diverse, reflecting the complexity of human experiences. For transparency, I used OpenAI ChatGPT only for the terms and definitions in the research. It was a great time saver.

Let me be clear: I am not taking any political, religious, biblical, judgemental, or any other position regarding how a person identifies their gender or sexuality. That is their business, period, end discussion.

As a result, here are two lists of terms and definitions as a reference guide regarding gender and sexual identity as I write this article.

Gender Identity

Cisgender (cis): A person whose gender identity aligns with the sex assigned at birth.

Transgender (trans): A person whose gender identity differs from the sex assigned at birth.

Non-binary: A person whose gender identity doesn’t fit within the traditional binary categories of male or female.

Genderqueer: A term used by some individuals whose gender identity doesn’t conform to societal expectations of masculinity or femininity.

Genderfluid: A person’s gender identity may change over time or in different contexts.

Agender: A person who identifies as having no gender or as neutral.

Bigender: A person who identifies as having two gender identities simultaneously or at different times.

Gender nonconforming: A broad term for individuals whose gender expression doesn’t conform to societal norms.

Two-spirit: Some Indigenous North American cultures use the term to describe individuals who embody masculine and feminine qualities.

Demigender: A person whose gender identity is partially but not fully aligned with one’s assigned sex or with the binary gender system.

Pangender: A person whose gender identity encompasses all genders.

Androgynous: A person whose appearance and/or identity blends masculine and feminine characteristics. A non-binary gender identity that is neutral or null.

Gender questioning: A person who is exploring or questioning their gender identity.

Genderflux: A gender identity that fluctuates in intensity.

Intergender: A person whose gender identity is between or a combination of genders.

Multigender: A person who identifies with more than one gender.

Trigender: A person who shifts between three different gender identities.

Gender creative: A term often used for children whose gender expression or identity doesn’t conform to traditional norms.

Transmasculine: A term used to describe individuals who were assigned female at birth but identify more closely with masculinity.

Transfeminine: A term used to describe individuals who were assigned male at birth but identify more closely with femininity.

Sexual Identity

Heterosexual: Attracted to people of the opposite gender.

Homosexual: Attracted to people of the same gender.

Bisexual: Attracted to people of both genders.

Pansexual: Attracted to people regardless of their gender identity or biological sex.

Asexual: Experiencing little or no sexual attraction to others.

Demisexual: Experiencing sexual attraction only after forming a strong emotional bond with someone.

Queer: An umbrella term for sexual and gender minorities who are not heterosexual or cisgender. It can encompass a wide range of identities.

Polysexual: Attracted to multiple genders, but not necessarily all genders.

Fluid: A term used to describe a sexuality that is not fixed and may change over time.

Androsexual/Gynesexual: Attracted to masculinity/femininity regardless of gender identity.

Greysexual: Experiencing sexual attraction rarely or only under specific circumstances.

Lithsexual: Experiencing sexual attraction but not wanting it to be reciprocated.

Skoliosexual: Attracted to non-binary and transgender people.

Sapiosexual: Attracted to intelligence or intellect.

Autosexual: Finding oneself sexually attractive.

Ceterosexual: Attracted to non-binary people.

Reciprosexual: Experiencing sexual attraction only when it is reciprocated.

Abrosexuality:  Describes individuals whose sexual orientation is fluid and may change over time or in different circumstances.

Omnisexuality: A sexual orientation in which a person is attracted to people of all genders, including men, women, nonbinary people, and other gender identities.

It’s important to note that this list is not exhaustive, and new terms and definitions may emerge as our understanding of gender and sexuality evolves. Additionally, individuals may have unique experiences and preferences when describing their gender identity.<

Now, you’ll understand what they are talking about. At least, I will, anyway.

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