Tag: Sexual Health

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Low libido, intercourse pain, orgasm problems?

— Sexual-health doctors are trying to help

Some Canadian doctors aim to address what they call near-total lack of support for women’s sexual health

By Brandie Weikle

A small number of Canadian doctors specializing in women’s sexual health are trying to address what they say is a near-total lack of support for those suffering from common problems such as low libido, difficulty achieving orgasm and pain during intercourse.

“In terms of the juxtaposition with men’s sexual functioning, we are behind and it’s really frustrating,” said Dr. Stephanie Finn of Oakville, Ont.

Finn is one of five Canadian doctors trained by the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH), based in Burnsville, Minn.

While help for male sexual dysfunction has been widely available since erectile dysfunction drug Viagra burst onto the scene — approved for use in Canada in 1999 — women’s sexual health has remained largely shrouded in secrecy.

“When’s the last time your doctor has asked you about your clitoris? Like never, and that’s fascinating, right? We ask men all the time about their penises and their function, sexual functioning and such,” she told White Coat, Black Art.

I think that there is generally a lack everywhere of interest in women’s sexual functioning, and I’m happy to say that I think that’s beginning to change.”

A woman stands in front of an exam chair in a doctor's office.
Dr. Stephanie Finn is a family doctor focusing on women’s sexual medicine.

Originally a family doctor, Finn found that so many of her female patients needed help with sexual issues that she decided to focus on sexual medicine, opening her clinic about a year ago.

Part of that work is simply teaching women about their bodies, she says.

“It is really common for women to have almost no understanding of their own anatomy,” Finn said.

“I’ve had women who really haven’t a good idea about where their clitoris is. I’ve had people say, ‘Oh, I’ve always wondered,’ and sometimes I’m slightly surprised by that response in women who are in their 50s.”

Finn offers her patients the option of holding a mirror while she gives them a guided tour of their genitalia. Or she’ll use a 3D model to show patients things such as how the clitoris is actually a wishbone-shaped organ, with only the clitoral bulb visible externally.

An illustration of the parts of the vulva.
Parts of the vulva.

A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2023 found that the bulb has around 10,000 nerve endings. That’s compared to about 7,800 at the tip of the penis, according to a paper published in the same journal in February.

A culture of shame

Some of that knowledge gap and reluctance among women to seek help for sexual-health issues is tied to cultural shame, says Dr. Stephanie Hart from Okotoks, Alta., another ISSWSH-trained family doctor.

In North America, vaginas are dirty. Like, I actually had somebody say that to me yesterday,” said Hart, who opened her specialized clinic in 2019.

For some women, that’s simply because they are grossed out by bodily fluids, including those that come out of the vagina, she says.

An exam chair inside a doctor's office.
A chair used for gynecological exams in Finn’s clinic. Many women are uncomfortable with speaking openly about sexual health.

But for others, it’s a morality issue: “You know, ‘sex is shameful.’ That’s a very common attitude that I see people [have]. And kind of unsurprising that people would then have sexual dysfunction when they feel that way about it.”

Despite people’s difficulty talking about their sex lives, these clinics are busy. Hart says she sees 250 new patients every year in her practice, 75 to 80 per cent of them being women, but is referred around 400.

“So every six months, I’m another three months behind.”

Finn said she sees about 15 new patients every week at her Oakville clinic.

A model of a vulva.
Finn often shows her patients a model of a vulva to help familiarize them with their own anatomy.

Most Canadian women do not have access to a doctor who specializes in sexual health. Existing clinics where women have traditionally sought care for sexual health are focused on contraception and infection, says Hart.

These kinds of clinics refer patients to her when they bring up difficulties like pain during sex or low libido, Hart says, as do specialists such as gynecologists.

Help for low libido

Carolina Jara, 57, says she used to be a very sexual person, but since menopause, her libido has tanked.

“My libido went somewhere. I don’t know, maybe back home,” joked Jara, who is originally from Peru but lives in Vancouver.

She says she’s worried about how that can impact her relationship with her husband of eight years. And that part is not a laughing matter.

A close-up of a woman with white earrings and a red top.
Carolina Jara, 57, says she used to be a very sexual person — but now, she is suffering from low libido.

“He still wants it, but I don’t get ignited, I don’t get an orgasm for many years. So it feels more like a duty, more than something that I enjoy.”

There are two medications approved for use in Canada that can be used to increase sexual desire in women: a pill called flibanserin, and a self-injectable called bremelanotide.

Unlike Viagra, which is used on an as-needed basis and acts by increasing blood flow to the penis, both of these drugs impact the brain chemicals that influence mood and sexual appetite. Flibanserin must be taken daily and has been shown to have serious potential side effects.

A pink pill is seen on a piece of paper that shows part of the Sprout Pharmaceuticals logo.
Flibanserin, pictured above, is one of two medications approved in Canada that can be used to increase sexual desire in women.

Critics have argued that libido problems are more a matter of mismatch between the sexual appetites of partners that would be better addressed with relationship counselling.

A non-medical tool for addressing low libido or difficulty achieving orgasm is a class of sex toys sometimes referred to as clitoral suction devices.

“We have wonderful studies actually now showing improved clitoral blood flow and pelvic floor blood flow using these devices,” Finn said. “We know they can make a huge difference for women when they are attempting to achieve orgasm.”

Pain during sex

But sexual-health issues are by no means the exclusive domain of older women, says Finn, whose patients range in age from teenagers to octogenarians.

Talia Steele, 34, suffered for years from pain during sex, stemming from a series of problems that started with a common urinary tract infection.

Woman with shoulder-length curly hair smiles at the camera.
Talia Steele says she had some early negative experiences with male doctors and felt her problems weren’t treated with sensitivity.

Eventually she got surgery to address the issues. But all the poking and prodding, and her history of painful sex, has had lasting effects.

“There’s always that bit of anxiety, never being able to be fully in the moment, always in your head about what’s going on,” said Steele, who is married and also lives in Vancouver.

“Even though I don’t have that pain, those feelings and thoughts still enter my brain at times, and it can be challenging to try new things or come out of my comfort zone.”

Greater Victoria’s Sex Lady discusses sexual health and how teaching it has evolved

One of the challenges with getting care for women’s sexual-health issues is that there’s no established medical specialty for them.

“You take these women with pain [during] sex, for example, and you send them to the gynecologist who would say, ‘Well, it’s not endometriosis,’” Hart said. That might be the end of the road if the doctor doesn’t know about other options that might help.

Hart says she’s on a mission to teach other doctors how to help, starting with asking patients the right questions.

“Like, actually ask if somebody has pain with sex and then know what to do about it if the person says yes. Because patients won’t always volunteer the information if they don’t know that there’s something that can be done.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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12 Foods to Cure Premature Ejaculation

By Geoffrey C. Whittaker

If you’ve ever searched for information about sexual dysfunction and diet, you may have come across lists of foods that cause premature ejaculation. These lists often contain the usual culprits, from foods high in sugar and simple carbohydrates to fatty foods, artificial ingredients and others.

While your diet can impact your sexual health, there isn’t currently any scientific evidence that specific foods directly contribute to premature ejaculation.

Below, we’ve also explained why you shouldn’t feel any need to avoid specific foods if you’re prone to premature ejaculation and covered your options for treating PE and enjoying a more fulfilling, satisfying sex life.

Premature ejaculation, or PE, is a common form of sexual dysfunction that’s estimated to affect between 20 and 30 percent of men of all ages and backgrounds.

Experts aren’t yet aware of the precise causes of premature ejaculation, but they believe a variety of biological and psychological factors may play a role.

  • Biological factors that could be involved in PE include abnormal levels of specific hormones and neurotransmitters, such as serotonin, prolactin, luteinizing hormone (LH) and thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH).  Inflammation that affects the prostate and/or urethra may also play a role.
  • From a psychological perspective, issues such as anxiety, depression, stress, poor body image, worries about sexual performance, feelings of guilt, relationship problems or a history of sexual abuse or repression may all play a role in the development of PE.

Experts believe that these two common issues might be linked through your behavior. For example, men with erectile dysfunction due to hormonal issues might feel extra performance anxiety during sex, causing them to rush to avoid losing their erections.

In short, identifying the cause of PE is, well, a little complicated. Currently, there’s no clear, single “cause of PE” that most guys can point to as the culprit.

Want to learn more about PE? Our complete guide to premature ejaculation explains everything you need to know about this common sexual performance issue, from causes and symptoms to the latest research on PE treatments.

Currently, no research suggests that specific types of food play any direct role in the development of premature ejaculation, but there’s a caveat to this statement.

Food itself isn’t on the list of potential PE causes, but your diet may impact hormone levels, hinder sperm count, make your mental health worse or — if it’s affecting your weight — make you self-conscious during every sexual experience.

So, while PE is about more than diet, you might want to consider cutting down on consuming high volumes of certain food items.

The idea that eating junk food, starchy foods or foods with certain “bad” ingredients causes premature ejaculation doesn’t appear to be backed up by any science.

With this said, there is a direct link between diet and some aspects of your health that can affect your performance in bed.

It should come as no surprise that the healthier you are in general, the better certain aspects of your sexual capacity will be.

This is because sexual function and performance, at least in men, are closely linked to hormonal and cardiovascular health.

As a man, sex hormones like testosterone play a key role in regulating your sex drive. Healthy levels of testosterone are associated with a high level of interest in sex, while low testosterone levels are linked to decreases in your libido.

Likewise, your cardiovascular system plays a vital role in blood circulation, which is essential for maintaining erections. Many ED drugs — such as PDE5 inhibitors — work by increasing blood flow to your penis, resulting in stronger, easier-to-get erections.

So, how does your diet fit into this? Although the specific foods you eat aren’t likely to cause or worsen premature ejaculation directly, your diet does affect certain aspects of your health that are related to sexual function and performance.

For example, heart disease is a known risk factor for erectile dysfunction. Eating a balanced, healthy diet can reduce your risk of developing cardiovascular disease, which may lower your ED risk and improve your sexual health by enhancing blood flow throughout your body.

Other research also suggests that high consumption of junk food and low consumption of food rich in nutrients are associated with low testosterone levels in men.

In other words, unhealthy eating habits don’t directly cause sexual performance issues like PE and ED, but they may contribute to them indirectly by affecting your general health and well-being.

In the limited sense that PE can result from your diet, some foods may benefit your sexual experience. While they won’t directly affect or “cure” premature ejaculation, they can improve issues that might be contributing to PE.

The best foods to help you perform better and potentially manage premature ejaculation are:

  1. Dark chocolate
  2. Blueberries
  3. Avocados
  4. Fatty fish
  5. Banana
  6. Honey
  7. Watermelon
  8. Pomegranate
  9. Beets
  10. Garlic
  11. Oysters
  12. Nuts

1. Dark Chocolate

Dark chocolate isn’t just healthier because it contains fewer sweeteners — it’s also a great source of magnesium, zinc and other essential nutrients. Although research is limited, one small study suggests that low magnesium levels may be involved in premature ejaculation. Other magnesium-rich foods include pumpkin seeds, almonds, spinach, black beans, potato, rice and edamame.

2. Blueberries

Blueberries contain many essential vitamins, minerals and antioxidants. They also contain flavonoids, and foods rich in flavonoids are associated with lower rates of sexual dysfunction and better sexual performance.

3. Avocados

Avocados promote better cardiovascular health and blood flow thanks to their vitamin E and healthy fat content.

Avocado consumption is also associated with better metabolic function, meaning consuming avocados can make you less likely to develop obesity — a significant factor in erectile dysfunction.

4. Fatty Fish

Fatty fish — like tuna, salmon and mackerel — are incredibly high in omega-3 fatty acids, which are beneficial for heart health and help manage blood pressure and prevent cardiovascular disease. They also contain zinc, which encourages healthier blood flow in your blood vessels, including the ones in your genitals that help you get an erection.

5. Bananas

Bananas are potassium-rich fruits that benefit the heart, nerves and muscles. Cardiovascular health and muscle and nerve function are essential to sexual function and stamina.

Oh, and there’s a link between high blood pressure and potassium deficiency, so bananas may also help keep hypertension in check.

6. Honey

If you’re looking for a sweetener for your foods that can also naturally protect your sexual function, look no further than honey. Honey’s natural sugars for energy may improve mental well-being. It may also play a protective role in cardiovascular and sexual health, according to some research.

7. Watermelon

Watermelon is rich in citrulline — an amino acid your body turns into arginine, which helps relax the blood vessels to improve blood flow.

Watermelon also contains lycopene — an amino acid that may fight cancer and help people manage their weight — so it might help prevent high blood pressure and other medical conditions related to sexual dysfunction.

8. Pomegranate

Pomegranate is loaded with beneficial antioxidants that can improve the health of your blood vessels, among other health benefits. While more research is needed, one study from 2007 looked at 53 men and found reason to believe that pomegranate may also increase libido and erectile function.

9. Beets

Beets contain nitrates, which can lower your blood pressure. That makes them healthy for people with hypertension, but also a sort of natural Viagra.

10. Garlic

Garlic is great for sexual intercourse because it contains compounds like allicin, which improves blood vessel dilation and increases nitric oxide production.

11. Oysters

You’ve likely heard of the oyster’s aphrodisiac reputation — did you suspect it was true? Oysters are rich in zinc, which is important for the production of the testosterone required for most of your sexual function and desire. Just know that zinc deficiency is very uncommon, so you may not need the supplementation.

12. Nuts

While a handful of trail mix only helps your stamina while hiking, the omega-3 fatty acids and zinc in nuts and seeds contribute to cardiovascular health. They support sexual performance by helping maintain blood flow through the blood vessels of your penis and elsewhere.

Your diet doesn’t have to be the only treatment you use for PE, and home remedies are not the limits of treatment options for premature ejaculation.

Most of the time, you can treat premature ejaculation using a mix of over-the-counter treatments, lifestyle changes, behavioral therapies and, if necessary, prescription PE medication.

Here are some tips on putting all of these treatments into practice.

Eat a Balanced Diet

While making changes to your diet is unlikely to suddenly resolve your premature ejaculation, a good daily diet can have a positive impact on your overall health, sexual function and quality of life.

Try to eat a balanced diet that contains lots of nutrient-rich foods. Our lists of good foods for ED prevention and increasing testosterone levels discuss specific ingredients that you may want to prioritize for your general sexual health.

Use Behavioral Techniques to Delay Ejaculation

Sometimes, making minor changes to the way you have sex can help you delay orgasm and avoid ejaculating too early. Two popular techniques for treating PE are the stop-start technique, which involves temporarily stopping the sexual activity as you feel orgasm approaching, and the squeeze technique, which involves squeezing near the tip of your penis to delay orgasm.

Kegel exercises (exercises that work the pelvic floor muscles) have also been shown to improve sexual function and penile stamina and reduce the symptoms of sexual problems.

Try Topical PE Treatments

Premature ejaculation can often be treated with topical creams and sprays, such as our Delay Spray for Men and Clockstopper Climax Delay Wipes.

Topical treatments for PE work by reducing sensitivity without numbing your penis too much. This helps make the physical sensation of sex less overwhelming, allowing you to last longer after penetration.

Our guide to lidocaine spray for premature ejaculation goes into more detail about how topical sprays work, their effectiveness, potential side effects and more.

Consider Prescription Medication

Although there aren’t any FDA-approved medications specifically for premature ejaculation, some antidepressants are commonly prescribed off-label as premature ejaculation pills.

For example, the antidepressants sertraline and paroxetine are both commonly used off-label to delay orgasm and treat premature ejaculation.

These medications work by increasing the amount of serotonin in your body. Research suggests that serotonin inhibits ejaculation, meaning it slows down the process of reaching orgasm during sex.

Our guide to using sertraline for premature ejaculation explains more about how SSRIs can help to slow down ejaculation and increase your sexual stamina.

Contrary to popular belief, there’s no convincing scientific evidence that shows that certain types of food speed up orgasm and contribute to premature ejaculation.

However, an unhealthy diet and lifestyle can affect your overall health, which may increase your risk of some sexual disorders. If you’re among the many men affected by PE, try to eat a healthy diet and maintain a balanced, active general lifestyle.

Our range of premature ejaculation treatments includes proven options for dealing with PE more directly, such as wipes, sprays and prescription medications available online after a consultation with a licensed healthcare professional.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Talk dirty to me with Dr. Carol Queen

By Myisha Battle

How do I talk dirty? Are people actually having safe oral sex? How can I explore dating and sexuality in my 60s?

Dr. Carol Queen is an author, sex-positive activist, and the staff sexologist at Good Vibes. This week she joins Myisha to take on your questions about dirty talk, anilingus, and exploring dating and sexuality in your 60s. Plus, hear which of your dating horror stories left us truly mortified.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

 

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Your pelvic floor might be impacting your orgasms, here’s how

By DAISY HENRY

Keep that good thing going.

If there was a way to achieve better orgasms, would you take it? Sure, sex and pleasure shouldn’t always be about the big ‘O’ (in fact, there’s a solid case for rethinking that approach completely), but the temptation surely remains.

Stressed? Orgasm. Horny? Orgasm. Tired? Orgasm. Whether it’s self-inflicted or delivered to you by someone else, it’s a great cure for many of life’s woes. In fact, a mind-bending, head-exploding orgasm has to be high up there with one of the finer things.

When you hear the term pelvic floor, your mind likely jumps straight ahead to Kegels. More often than not, Kegels are heralded are the no-nonsense, fast-tracked way to improve your orgasms and have better sex.

While they seem simple enough (i.e. you can do them sitting at your desk and no one will know), I find the idea of doing constant Kegel reps throughout my day a bit much. According to Heather Foord, women’s health specialist and founder of Core Restore, a pelvic floor and core clinic, there’s a lot more you can do to help strengthen and relax your pelvic floor and ultimately achieve better orgasms. Below, Heather walks us through the basics.

What are we talking about when we say ‘pelvic floor’?

Here’s the kicker. For a muscle group that’s so important, we can get so confused about ‘what’ and ‘where’ the pelvic floor is because we can’t see it. The pelvic floor is the shape of a basin. It connects to each side of your pelvis and then connects to the pubic bone at the front and the tailbone at the back.

Its number one job is to support your pelvic organs and support the holes you have ‘down there’. So, for those of us with vulvas, it provides a framework around your urethra (where you wee), your vagina and your bowel. And, contrary to popular belief, the pelvic floor affects so much more than how you wee.

Does a stronger pelvic floor equal stronger orgasms?

In short, yes. Research shows us that women with stronger pelvic floor muscles have higher sexual function and increased levels of desire, arousal and orgasm. The female orgasm starts with the pelvic floor contracting and relaxing in a rhythmic fashion. That’s where the ‘waves of pleasure’ that women describe stem from.

The contractions of the pelvic floor can number anywhere from one to 20 or even more. We all want longer, stronger orgasms, right? So, we want to make sure the pelvic floor has all the strength and endurance it can to keep that good thing going.

And, it’s not just about your orgasm. If you’re partaking in penetrative sex with a partner, the pelvic floor muscles can play a key role in their pleasure too (talk about a multitasker). So, when you climax, the pelvic floor closes and relaxes around the vagina and anus, enhancing the sensation for your plus one.

For those of you with a penis, the pelvic floor is also key when it comes to sexual function. Weak muscles can make it tricky to get or maintain an erection and it can lead to premature ejaculation. These muscles are important for the male orgasm, as their job is to contract during climax to eject the semen from the body.

How might your pelvic floor negatively affect your orgasms?

The first and most obvious way is that if your pelvic floor is weak, the orgasm contractions are likely to be weak so it may be harder to reach orgasm – and if you eventually do, it tends to be a bit of a ‘blah’ orgasm.

But, like any muscle, your pelvic floor can also be too tight. An overly tight pelvic floor (or hypertonic as we say in the health industry) can mean it’s also really hard to achieve orgasm because the muscles are so tight and tired from being switched on all the time, they have no more energy to contract further to get you to climax. This can also lead to painful sex and even pain after orgasm (which is called dysorgasmia).

What other exercises can I do that aren’t Kegels?

If you’re like me and struggle to remember your Kegels, don’t stress – there are other ways to strengthen your pelvic floor! And, if you’re overly tight? There are stretches you can do to help your pelvic floor relax, too. If you’re looking to work on strength, try exercises like the goblet squat, marching bridge and bird dog. If you want to relax your muscles, try a child’s pose, mermaid pose and reclined butterfly sit.

My biggest tip is to get to know your own body and reach out for help. Sex, libido and orgasms are dependent on so many different things. It can be related to your physical function (i.e. pelvic floor), or it can be impacted by stress levels, hormones, lifestyle… the list goes on.

Whether it’s lack of libido, painful sex, struggle to climax, struggles with erections or vaginal laxity, know that you’re not alone and there are so many health professionals here to help. In the Core clinics, we use technology to treat pelvic floor weakness in less than three weeks, but if you can’t make it to a clinic and want to find someone local, get in touch.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Maybe Your Dead Bedroom Marriage Needs a Hit of Ketamine

— Psychedelic Sex Therapy 101

I asked a doctor who’s an expert in the treatment

By Sarah Stiefvater

Whether through the iconic Dr. Ruth Westheimer (RIP) or the Netflix hit Sex Education, you’ve probably heard of sex therapy. But have you heard of psychedelic sex therapy? It’s basically traditional sex therapy that integrates the use of psychedelics to address sexual issues. I reached out to Dr. Steven Radowitz, MD, the Chief Medical Officer and Co-Founder of the psychedelic wellness clinic Nushama, to learn more.

Meet the Expert

Dr. Steven Radowitz, MD, is the Chief Medical Officer and Co-Founder of the psychedelic wellness clinic Nushama. Dr. Radowitz has a wealth of experience seeing the effects trauma can have on our physical health firsthand. He joined Nushama to oversee and develop treatment modalities, believing psychedelics are the future of mental wellness as current solutions treat symptoms, not underlying issues. Dr. Radowitz also runs the primary care program at Goldman Sachs and has practiced internal medicine and primary care since 1998. He completed his MD at Chicago Medical School, worked at St. Vincent’s in general medicine and HIV/AIDS units and was Medical Director of the inpatient alcohol and opiate detox and treatment unit.

What Is Psychedelic Sex Therapy?

In psychedelic couples therapy, both members of a couple, with the help of a sex therapist, work through the emotional blockages that have been getting in the way of healthy intimacy.

Many relationships get stale over time, thanks to life stressors like work, kids and money, which start to make their way into the bedroom. Sex therapy in a committed relationship can help maintain a deep physical and emotional connection and bond between a couple,. Psychedelic sex therapy takes it to the next level: “Psychedelic experiences can help realign our consciousness and focus away from these mounting worries, help process past difficult life situations and in doing so, regain a greater sense of connection to those that we love,” Dr. Radowitz tells me.

He adds, “Psychedelic sex therapy integrates the use of psychedelics with traditional sex therapy techniques to address sexual issues, intimacy challenges and trauma. This approach combines the psychological healing effects of substances like MDMA, psilocybin or ketamine with therapy aimed at improving sexual well-being, intimacy and relationships.” He adds that currently, on a federal level, ketamine is the only legal psychedelic available to use in a clinical setting in the United States. MDMA and/or psilocybin are legally available for clinical use in a number of other countries such as Australia (MDMA, psilocybin), Jamaica (psilocybin) and the Netherlands (psilocybin truffles).

How Does Psychedelic Sex Therapy Differ from Traditional Sex Therapy?

Per Dr. Radowitz, here’s how it differs from traditional sex therapy:

  • Use of Psychedelics: Psychedelic sex therapy involves the controlled use of substances that alter consciousness, with the intention of accessing deeper emotional states, healing trauma and fostering openness in therapy. Dr. Radowitz says, “Traditional sex therapy typically relies on talking, behavioral interventions and psychological techniques without the use of psychoactive substances.”
  • Access to the Subconscious: He explains that psychedelics allow access to unconscious emotions and memories that may be difficult to reach in traditional therapy, which can help individuals or couples explore and resolve deep-seated issues related to sexuality (like trauma, repression or body image issues), which might be harder to address in a non-altered state.
  • Increased Emotional Openness: “Substances like MDMA can reduce fear and increase feelings of trust, safety and emotional intimacy,” Dr. Radowitz tells me. “This can enhance the therapeutic process by helping people feel more comfortable discussing sensitive issues or facing difficult emotions. Traditional sex therapy may take longer to achieve this level of openness and vulnerability.”
  • Somatic Awareness: Psychedelics often heighten body awareness, which can help address physical or sensory aspects of sexuality. “This can facilitate the exploration of body sensations, desires and boundaries, which may be more difficult to achieve through talk-based therapy alone.”
  • Enhanced Empathy and Connection: Another benefit of psychedelic experiences: they can foster empathy, which is particularly beneficial in couples therapy. Dr. Radowitz notes that the altered state can help partners connect on a deeper emotional and spiritual level, potentially leading to breakthroughs in communication and intimacy that traditional therapy may struggle to achieve as quickly.
  • Therapist’s Role: “In psychedelic sex therapy, the therapist’s role may involve guiding the patient through the psychedelic experience, helping to integrate insights and ensuring a safe and supportive environment,” according to Dr. Radowitz. “In contrast, traditional sex therapy focuses more on facilitating discussion, behavioral change and education within the confines of standard cognitive or somatic therapy techniques.”

Are There Any Risks?

Dr. Radowitz stresses that it’s crucial to work with a reputable clinician and therapist who has experience in screening out anyone with a contraindication to the use of psychedelics (including prior history of psychosis/schizophrenia or active mania in someone with bipolar affective disorder). He adds, “Also, it’s critical to make sure they are medically stable for treatment and there are no interactions with any of their current medications. It’s important to work with a therapist who is experienced and comfortable working with psychedelics, who could properly prepare, guide and integrate their experience.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Masturbation May Help With Menopause Symptoms

“Self-pleasure offers an effective, accessible tool.”

By

With symptoms like hot flashes, trouble sleeping, and vaginal dryness in the mix, menopause can be a difficult experience for many women. However, there are treatment options available, including hormone therapy and lifestyle tweaks. Now, new research has pinpointed a lifestyle hack that can help women struggling with symptoms of menopause: masturbation.

That’s the major takeaway from early research released by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University on September 16. Of course, this is an unusual treatment plan and it’s understandable to have questions about how, exactly, this all works. Here’s what’s behind all of this.

Meet the expert: Women’s health expert Jennifer Wider, MD.

What did researchers find?

Researchers, who conducted the surveys in partnership with in partnership with sexual wellbeing company the Lovehoney Group and its Womanizer brand, did so over two phases. The first phase surveyed 1,500 American adults between the ages of 18 and 88 to look at overall public knowledge about menopause. In phase two, the scientists surveyed 1,500 women between the ages of 40 and 65 to learn more about their experiences with menopause.

In the first phase, the researchers found that more than 75 percent of women knew that menopause was the permanent end of having a period. However, they also discovered that very few women would identify the symptoms of menopause.

In phase 2, the researchers discovered that 36.2 percent of women going through menopause said that they had an improvement in their symptoms when they masturbated. But while one in 10 women said they used self-pleasure as the main way they coped with menopausal symptoms, 46 percent of women said they would be open to trying masturbation to relieve their symptoms if it was recommended by a healthcare provider.

Can masturbation relieve menopause symptoms?

It’s important to point out that the researchers didn’t explore whether masturbation can relieve symptoms of menopause. Instead, they found that some women said it helped with their symptoms. (But this wasn’t studied in a lab or anything.)

That said, there are some theories on why this could help. “Masturbation has been shown to improve mood, improve sleep, and promote vaginal health,” says women’s health expert Jennifer Wider, MD. “This is why it may help alleviate some of the symptoms of menopause.”

By the way, Wider says that having an orgasm via sex may create similar results in some women. “In others who are experiencing vaginal dryness, intercourse will be painful and getting to the point of orgasm may be difficult and not have the same desired results,” she adds.

“This survey shows self-pleasure offers an effective, accessible tool for menopausal symptom relief, which is important to integrate with existing care strategies,” said Cynthia Graham, PhD, senior scientist at the Kinsey Institute, added in a statement.

Do doctors recommend masturbation for menopause?

As of now, it’s not common for doctors to recommend masturbation for menopause. However, it’s worth noting that five percent of the women surveyed by the Kinsey Institute said that their doctors suggested masturbation as a possible way to manage their symptoms. So, clearly some doctors are recommending it.

Ultimately, Wider says this is worth trying if you’re interested. “This is a risk-free recommendation and has little downside— and it has potential to alleviate some unwanted menopausal symptoms,” she says.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is ‘Death Grip Syndrome’ actually real

— And can it harm your penis?

Gripping your penis too tightly could cause some issues

Masturbation isn’t something any of us should be shy about, but when the mood strikes, some of us seize it a little too tightly.

By

To put it plainly, if you’ve got a penis, grabbing it too hard while pleasuring yourself could leave orgasms further out of reach.

It’s what is known in slang terms as Death Grip Syndrome (DGS), though there’s actually no official medical name for the condition.

Some credit sex columnist Dan Savage with coining the term back in the early 2000s, but it’s also popped up in various Reddit threads over the years. It even got a formal Urban Dictionary entry in 2010.

But we wouldn’t put your physical health in the hands of public forums, so we had Dr Lawrence Cunningham tell us just how real (or not) it is.

What is Death Grip Syndrome?

‘DGS refers to the phenomenon where habitual, overly tight gripping of the penis during masturbation can lead to decreased sensitivity, and difficulty achieving orgasm through other forms of sexual activity,’ Dr Cunningham tells Metro.

The UK Care Guide doctor believes many men are unaware their masturbation habits could impact their sexual health, and let’s face it, none of us want any lingering problems just because we went a little too hard.

A composite image showing a hand holding a downturned bread roll.
DGS can lead to reduced sensitivity and sexual pleasure.

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Death Grip Syndrome may sound alarming, Dr Cunningham explains, but it doesn’t do any physical damage to the penis in the traditional sense.

The issue, he says, is when it comes to sexual stimulation: ‘The persistent use of a tight grip can condition the nerves and tissues to respond only to this specific form of stimulation.

‘This can make it challenging to experience pleasure and achieve orgasm through more typical forms of sexual activity.’

What are the symptoms?

The primary symptoms include decreased sensitivity in the penis and difficulty achieving orgasm, unless you’re gripping your member very tightly.

It goes without saying that this is going to decrease your levels of sexual satisfaction, which no one wants.

According to men’s health website Hims and medical adviser Mike Bohl, other symptoms include penile pain and anorgasmia.

The latter is a condition where you experience delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms — in other words, it’s a form of sexual dysfunction.

Dr Cunningham adds: ‘Years of consistent, tight-grip masturbation usually doesn’t lead to complete anorgasmia, but it can certainly lead to delayed ejaculation or reduced pleasure.’

The physical effects can result in anxiety and relationship issues too, so the doctor believes addressing the issue is crucial.

Is DGS common and is it reversible?

While there’s limited scientific data to say just how prevalent Death Grip Syndrome is, Dr Lawrence thinks he’s got a handle on it.

A composite graphic showing a drooping cactus in a plant pot
Death Grip Syndrome could cause a form of anorgasmia but this is unlikely

‘I believe I’ve seen a number of men who experience these issues. It’s common enough that sexual health professionals encounter it regularly, but many men may not realise it’s the root of their difficulties,’ he explains.

If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms, don’t be stressed because it’s generally treatable and ‘often reversible’.

How? Well, Dr Cunningham suggests: ‘Start with a change in masturbation habits; using a gentler touch and exploring different types of stimulation.

‘Incorporating more mindful and varied sexual practices can also help. In some cases, professional counselling or sex therapy can provide additional support and strategies to regain sensitivity and sexual satisfaction.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Sexiest Year of My Life Involved Zero Sex

By Melissa Febos

A friend confided to me recently that she was burned out on dating. Cruising the apps in midlife felt humiliating, and she repeatedly confronted the same obstacles in her relationships.

I told her I had faced similar challenges, until I spent a year intentionally celibate. She pointed out that a year was a long time to live without intimacy. I assured her that abstaining from sex for a year was not only the best thing I ever did for my romantic prospects, it was also the most erotic year of my life.

Let me explain. Mostly, I mean erotic in the capacious sense: the sensual, embodied, vital, empowered aspects of beingness, what the writer Audre Lorde referred to as “an assertion of the life force of women; of that creative energy empowered.” Hildegard of Bingen, the sainted German nun and mystic polymath born in 1098, called it viriditas: the fecund, wet, greening power of life. But, I also do mean the explicitly physical and the sexual.

When I was in my mid-30s, a relationship in which I had completely lost myself came to a terrible end. In the merciful quiet that followed, I realized that I had been in nonstop romantic partnerships since my midteens. Over the years, friends had suggested I take some time alone, but even when I tried, my sights always locked onto someone new.

This time, I decided to take the endeavor more seriously. I would spend three months abstinent. Did my friends laugh at me? Yes, of course. I knew 90 days without sex was ridiculous to some but also that for me it was a radical decision. Quickly, I realized that my problem — that is, my preoccupation — was less sexual in nature than romantic. Even with sex and dating off the table, I had plenty left to occupy me in the realm of flirting and fantasizing.

I decided to extend my celibacy for another three months and draw some strict boundaries: no romantic activity at all. No charged friendships, no scanning the party or the street or the waiting room for the people I found attractive.

The air quality in my life changed, as if I’d opened a window. I could breathe easier. My pulse slowed. I noticed more, from the sensations of my own body to the changing light as days progressed. I hadn’t known how much energy and attention it took to be in love or looking for it.

After long consideration, I decided that my celibacy could permit masturbation. Indulging in too much of it had never been my problem. I did not compulsively seek my own physical pleasure, but more so the satisfactions of pleasing others. Even when I enjoyed it, sex had usually included some element of performance that distanced me from my own body. In both casual and long-term relationships, I often had sex when I didn’t want to. By contrast, my experience of self-pleasure had always been and remained utterly unselfconscious, never reluctant. It felt like a remedy to all the ambivalent entanglements of my past.

As the weeks passed, every aspect of my life sharpened. The delights of sleeping and waking alone, not speaking to another soul until I chose. In the absence of romantic pursuit, I came to appreciate the true love of my friendships. I had many profound and yearslong connections with other women that had evolved more complexly than those with any lover. We had weathered conflicts and seen one another through enormous changes. These relationships were characterized by a deep tenderness and mutual acceptance that I had sometimes taken for granted. Not anymore.

When I was caught in my ceaseless patterns of attachment, I could not see how it governed every aspect of my life. There were a myriad of micro-adjustments I made to accommodate the desires (sometimes only imagined!) of my partners. Little facts about myself or my days that I elided. Creative or social time that I cut short because I worried they’d feel neglected. Foods that I ate or did not according to my partners’ preferences. Subtle calibrations of my style or speech to appeal to their tastes.

Of course, some accommodation is organic to primary relationships. We make compromises and grow synchronized with our partners in both unconscious and conscious ways. But not everyone does in the way I tended to: a silent compulsion that incrementally warped my life into a shape that did not match my true self.

When my three celibate months became six I decided to keep going, without a deadline this time. I had begun to trust myself more. I had also come to know my own body as never before. Each day brought new opportunities to observe my physical experience unmediated by another person and their desires. I began eating different foods — only what I most wanted, when I was most hungry: plates of pickles and cheese at night or soup for breakfast.

My own comfort and taste became my primary guides, and I began­­ wearing sneakers instead of heels, and watched only TV shows featuring surly female detectives. I went for long, languorous runs without my phone and took frequent naps. I found a new enthusiasm for the college classes that I taught. I was not perpetually distracted by the daily permutations of a romantic life and so brought more of myself into every room, every activity, every conversation.

During my celibate period, I undertook the project of making an inventory of all my past relationships. I wanted to study their contours and observe my own patterns in the hope of changing them. I had always thought of myself as someone who wanted to be a good partner, an agreeable person. I hated conflict and avoided it, because some desperate part of me felt that to be the object of another’s disappointment or resentment would amount to a kind of death. It turned out that avoidance — of conflict and, ultimately, truth — was itself a kind of death.

My relationship history also made clear that I had not succeeded at pleasing very many of my former partners. I would perform this self-pretzeling for a while, and then I would fill with an irresistible urge to leave them. Who wants to live in a knot? My fear of conflict made for ungraceful breakups. As a wise friend once said to me, “People pleasing is people using.”

I saw how much energy I had consolidated inside my romantic life. By removing that option, my sensual relationship to all the other aspects of my life deepened. Ultimately, after about a year, it led to a more engaged sexual life, too.

When I did start a new relationship, I understood clearly what I desired and what patterns I did not want to continue. I articulated early on that I needed a lot of alone time, and described what I liked and didn’t in bed. That celibate year was the beginning of truly enthusiastic sexual consent in my intimate relationships. What had been implicit in the past became explicit. It is no coincidence that the first person I dated seriously after my celibacy is now my wife. I am so grateful that we did not meet before I was ready.

I don’t mean to suggest that spending some time intentionally celibate will guarantee you a happy marriage, only that it might offer a space to contemplate what sort of love you want and how to ready yourself for it. And whatever the future brings, you might just have the sexiest year of your life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Project 2025 Seeks to Obliterate Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights

— The far-right blueprint would severely limit reproductive autonomy and access to reproductive healthcare, while turning back the clock on hard-won gains, both domestically and globally.

People attend the Our Bodies Our Lives Rally for Reproductive Freedom at the Bayfront Amphitheater on Sept. 14, 2024, in Miami. The rally was held to advocate for the passage of Amendment 4, which will be on Florida’s ballot, which would protect the right to abortion in the state.

By , and

Project 2025 promotes a presidential agenda that rolls back civil and human rights and implements extremist conservative policies across every federal department and agency. Its sweeping far-right policy framework, by the conservative think tank the Heritage Foundation, includes numerous attacks on sexual and reproductive health and rights.

The plan’s far-reaching recommendations would severely limit reproductive autonomy and access to reproductive healthcare, while turning back the clock on hard-won gains, both domestically and globally. This fact sheet enumerates some of the agenda’s most serious threats to sexual and reproductive health and describes potential effects.

1. Threats to Medication Abortion

Project 2025 proposes several strategies for restricting—and ultimately eliminating—access to mifepristone, an extremely safe and effective medication used in the most common regimen for medication abortion in the United States.

  • The plan proposes reinstating medically unnecessary restrictions on mifepristone that require in-person dispensing and limit who can prescribe and receive the medication. By effectively ending telehealth provision of the method, these restrictions would limit access to the method for anyone who faces barriers to reaching a brick-and-mortar clinic, including individuals receiving telehealth care (under the protection of shield laws) in states where abortion is banned.
  • It also recommends revoking mifepristone’s U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approval, which would remove the drug from the market entirely. Nearly two-thirds of all abortions provided by clinicians are medication abortions, and the vast majority of them use the combined regimen of mifepristone and misoprostol. Although use of misoprostol alone is also safe and effective, it is unclear how widely this regimen would be offered by providers, or taken up by patients, if mifepristone were no longer available.
  • Decreasing access to medication abortion by either mechanism could in turn increase demand for procedural care, placing additional strain on clinics and increasing wait time for patients.
  • Project 2025 suggests that a hostile administration could bypass the FDA and effectively ban medication abortion—and potentially all abortions—through enforcement of the Comstock Act, an 1873 anti-obscenity law that prohibits mailing anything “intended for producing abortion.” The law could be used to prevent the distribution of medication and supplies needed for abortion care and if applied broadly, it could result in a nationwide total abortion ban.

2. Broader Attacks on Abortion Access

Project 2025 also seeks to dismantle U.S. abortion access in a number of other ways.

  • The plan calls on Congress to codify into law the Hyde and Weldon Amendments, harmful policies that limit access to abortion care in the United States by restricting the use of federal funds for abortion care and coverage.
  • It also proposes a full audit of Hyde compliance, including reviewing Biden administration executive actions and Medicaid-managed care in “pro-abortion states.” These investigations may suggest an intention to retaliate against states where state Medicaid funds are used—entirely legally—to provide abortion care. In reality, the documented violations of the Hyde Amendment involve the opposite: states refusing to cover abortion care under circumstances where Medicaid coverage is mandated.

3. Denying Access to Abortion Care in Emergency Situations

Project 2025 calls for the Department of Health and Human Services to dismantle the abortion protections provided under the Emergency Medical Treatment and Labor Act (EMTALA), a federal policy that outlines requirements for emergency departments that receive Medicare funds.

  • The plan recommends rescinding Biden administration guidance from 2022 stating that people needing abortion care as part of emergency treatment are entitled to that care under federal law, even in states where abortion is banned. It would also end investigations into cases where patients’ rights were violated by denial of necessary emergency abortion care.
  • Further, it seeks to eliminate injunctions against states that have violated EMTALA and recommends that the Department of Justice withdraw from all ongoing litigation where it is currently defending the right to emergency abortion care.
  • Refusal to enforce EMTALA’s protections for abortion care puts pregnant people’s lives in jeopardy, by forcing providers to risk criminal charges if they perform potentially lifesaving abortion care.

4. Increasing Misinformation, Disinformation and Stigma

Project 2025 aims to implement a broad anti-sexual and reproductive health and rights agenda across the government—including by changing the mandate of key agencies and rewording policies to stigmatize and delegitimize sexual and reproductive health terms and concepts.

  • The plan proposes changing the Department of Health and Human Services into the Department of Life, complete with an anti-abortion task force to replace the existing Reproductive Healthcare Task Force and a newly created position of “Special Representative for Domestic Women’s Health” to lead anti-abortion policy efforts across agencies.
  • It recommends deleting all terms related to gender, gender equality, reproductive health, reproductive rights, abortion, sexual orientation and gender identity from all legislation, federal rules, agency regulations, contracts, agency websites and grants. Likewise, it encourages the use of U.S. influence at the United Nations to remove language “promoting abortion” from U.N. documents, policy statements and technical literature.
  • Project 2025 uses charged, medically inaccurate anti-abortion rhetoric—including language falsely portraying abortion as unsafe—to break down support for abortion rights and bolster efforts to criminalize providers, misuse laws and regulations meant to protect against discrimination, and ultimately cut off access to abortion care.
  • The agenda also uses the false implication that abortion is unsafe to justify proposals to increase pregnancy and abortion surveillance at the federal level. The plan suggests mandated reporting of abortions—as well as of miscarriages and stillbirths—by all states (using denial of federal funding streams as means of enforcement). The potential weaponization of this data collection by a hostile administration poses an immediate threat to abortion providers and patients, and it paves the way for increased criminalization of pregnancy outcomes other than abortion.
  • Project 2025 seeks to redefine basic sexual health education as “pornography”—and then to make pornography illegal—and also recommends replacing comprehensive sex education with abstinence-only curricula.

5. Weaponization of Federal Medicaid Dollars

Project 2025 calls for the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS) to encourage states to eliminate all Planned Parenthood facilities from their state Medicaid programs, as some states have attempted in the past. It also suggests that CMS create a new regulation that would disqualify abortion providers nationwide.

  • This would have disastrous effects on access to basic health care services, particularly family planning, with other safety-net providers unable to increase their capacity to fill the gap that would be left if federal funding were pulled from Planned Parenthood and other reproductive health providers.
  • The agenda also makes baseless claims that some states are violating the Weldon Amendment by requiring coverage of abortion care in private insurance plans. Project 2025 calls for withdrawing partial Medicaid funds from these states in retaliation—a weaponization of funding that provides crucial health insurance for people with low incomes.

6. Attacks on Contraception

Project 2025 seeks to severely undermine two cornerstones of U.S. contraceptive provision: Title X, the national publicly funded family planning program, and the federal contraceptive coverage guarantee of the Affordable Care Act.

  • The plan proposes reinstating the harmful “domestic gag rule,” which would prohibit health care providers who receive Title X funding from providing abortion referrals and would require them to be physically and financially separated from any abortion-related activities, including counseling. Within about a year of this policy going into effect in 2019 (before it was rescinded in 2021), hundreds of clinics left the program and the number of patients served dropped by 2.4 million.
  • Project 2025 goes further and recommends legislation that would prohibit Title X funding from going to entities that perform or help fund abortion care. Legislating such a policy makes it harder to reverse in the future (compared with administrative rulemaking); it would also disqualify providers who meet the gag rule’s already stringent requirements.
  • In addition, the plan calls for broadening the contraceptive coverage guarantee’s existing religious and moral exemptions to make it easier for any employer—including large, for-profit corporations—to exclude contraceptive coverage from their employees’ health plan. Such exemptions deny people reproductive autonomy and access to needed health care, while over a decade of evidence show that the coverage guarantee reduced patients’ costs and helped them to use the birth control method of their choice and to use it effectively.

7. Impact on Reproductive Health Worldwide

Project 2025 also seeks to leverage U.S. influence to undermine sexual and reproductive health and rights globally, including by cutting U.S. financial support to countries and initiatives.

  • It proposes immediately reinstating the global gag rule, which would prevent non-U.S. NGOs from receiving U.S. government global health assistance if they used their own, non-U.S. funds to provide abortion services, information, counseling, referrals or advocacy. Past iterations of the rule have detrimentally impacted reproductive health outcomes, systems and services by decreasing access to contraceptive services and leading to clinic closures.
  • Project 2025 wants to take the policy further and have it apply to all U.S. foreign assistance, including humanitarian aid.
  • The plan also proposes blocking funding to the United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA) which provides a wide range of critical sexual and reproductive health services to women and girls globally. When funding to UNFPA was withheld by the Trump-Pence administration, it caused a significant disruption to service delivery.
  • Project 2025 wants to impose its anti-rights ideology at the United Nations, too. It suggests expanding on the Trump-Pence administration’s Geneva Consensus Declaration on Women’s Health and Protection of the Family, an anti-rights, anti-abortion, anti-gender joint statement that undermines human rights (although that declaration was nonbinding and was never adopted by the U.N.).

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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My Body Doesn’t Belong to You

— In this essay from 2017, a young woman offers powerful testimony about the damaging effects of men’s possessiveness over women’s bodies.

By Heather Burtman

When the stranger yelled at me from his car window, I was carrying my Zamioculcas zamiifolia, a large tropical plant I had just bought at a greenhouse. I couldn’t hear what he said, but I don’t think he was complimenting my plant.

His words, whatever they were, brought to mind all of the derogatory comments and crude propositions I had heard before, from different car windows and different men: all of the comments about my body and suggestions for what I could do with it. It was as if, once I turned 16, my body no longer belonged to me but to the world at large and to certain men who drove their cars past it.

When I was a little girl, playing shirtless in my family’s garden, my body felt as if it belonged only to me. We had a rectangle-shaped yard out of which we would dig a smaller rectangle, and this dark patch of soil would become our garden. At 5, 6 and 7 years old, my siblings and I laughed as we shook out fat chunks of grass and produced a shower of dirt that went up our noses and down our chests.

I liked the way the dirt felt, all freshly dug, against my skin, and I asked my mother to bury me in it the way she sometimes did at the beach. She buried me halfway, and I smiled and posed for a picture. I liked being that way: a bare, muddy torso with a handful of seeds that I thought might grow carrots and yield a future in which my body was my body. And your body was your body.

Nakedness was swimming in the bay as the sunlight dimmed behind the apple trees, and when we walked down the street and men smiled at us, they didn’t mean it like that.

During my senior year of high school, I went in for my second bra-fitting at J.C. Penney, where the fitter sniffed a little in disapproval when telling me my cup size, as if she were thinking, “How dare you grow those.”

I was now the keeper of this secret: There are sizes beyond DD. You can be an H, for example. That is British sizing. Or a K. That is American sizing. The British make better bras. I was the girl with the big breasts. There were jokes, compliments from female friends, promises that my future boyfriend or husband or lover would have plenty to be happy about.

There were men who ogled. Men who asked, “Are those real?”

I had no answer. I didn’t remember consciously deciding about their size or doing anything about it.

Around then I realized that, in this world, there would be many instances when my body would not feel like my body. When I was in a club and a man grabbed my buttocks and then my hands, trying to pull me in to dance. You can say no 100 times, and he will still pull.

There is the knot of your hands and his, and the harder you pull away, the harder he pulls closer. It is like a game to him, like one of those colorful woven tubes that trap your fingers when you exert opposing forces.

If you are lucky, your friends will yell at him until he lets go. You will stand there stunned, suddenly realizing how sticky the dance floor is, also wondering if they have nice-smelling hand soap in the bathroom, hand soap that smells like summer air, being young, outside. But that is the smell of another world entirely, one that no longer seems to exist.

When I walk to work, and men smile at me along the way, they don’t have nice smiles anymore. “What’s your name?” they say. “Come on, sweetheart, tell me your name.”

They follow me, their footsteps like trees falling. I can feel it in the air, their need to take something from me. It has nothing to do with me in particular, with me as an individual. It has nothing to do with how I was once a fearless, naked gardener with a blue plastic teapot and a collection of Ravensburger puzzles.

If I were to tell them my name, would they remember it? Would they invite me out to a nice dinner and listen as I told them stories about my childhood? Would this be true love?

I can picture the scene now. I’m at brunch with my girlfriends at a place that serves bottomless Bloody Marys and slightly overcooked eggs. After Round 3, we find ourselves on the usual subject: how we met our significant others.

My girlfriends lean in a little closer and say: “Oh Heather, please tell the story again. Tell us how you and Lyle met.”

“Well,” I begin, taking one last sip of Bloody Mary. “I was walking down the street when Lyle drove by and yelled, ‘Hey, baby!’ and asked me to have sex with him. And I thought, ‘This one’s a keeper.’”

Such behavior is not about me. It’s not about love. It’s not even about sex. It is about fear and power. What certain men gain from feeding on such things, I do not know, and I do not want to know.

While traveling in France one year, I held onto my friend’s arm as a man followed us for maybe half a mile, yelling I know not what. There was the glittering river, the stone bridge, the creperie closed for the night. Only the fear really existed.

“We can take him,” I whispered to her. “I mean, if anything happens.”

We marched forward, eyeing the distance between the hunted and the hunter. I was too scared to think and uncertain of how one even got a hold of the police out there.

In Connecticut one day, a man drove past me only to turn around and come back.

“Oh, my God,” I thought. “He came back.” I felt the fear descending upon me the way a colorful parachute does in a childhood game of cat and mouse. He talked, he laughed, he watched me try not to blink. I always blinked. What is the verb? To savor. To luxuriate in torturing another. Sadism.

If someone does this to you, do not give in to the temptation to smile. I tell myself to be the strong woman my mother taught me to be and not smile, but I almost always do.

One man said to me: “Do you know who I am? I am Don Juan, and I am the best lover in the world. See for yourself.”

And I thought: Good for you, sir. Good for you. I smiled at him, laughed even.

Another man on another day stood on the sidewalk in front of me as dusk was falling. He was with his friends, and he reached out his arms and pulled me toward him. And what did I do? “I’ve got to go,” I said. “I’ve got to go.” Sweet smile. Walk, don’t run. They smell fear. They chase.

I will never be 6 again. I no longer remember what it is like to bask shirtless with a garden against my skin, or for someone to take a picture of my naked torso that they will actually develop at Walgreens. I am 24, and my body makes life dangerous for me. My breasts, my hips, the way I walk. Any woman’s breasts, any woman’s hips, the way any woman walks.

It’s all somehow too tempting. Our full lips or thin lips. Our necks exposed beneath cropped hair, or our long hair, or the split ends we pick at while sitting on the bus. Our pierced or unpierced ears. The infinite circle of belly button winking beneath our shirts. We look too good in our T-shirts and jeans. We look too good bundled up in our coats, carrying houseplants down the street.

When we walk home to our apartments late at night, we carry our keys spread out between our fingers, and we jump at the shadows of shadows. In the daylight, we pretend we were never afraid.

A couple of years ago, in the warmth of summer, I stood naked on a dock, and my body was my body. My two girlfriends were standing naked beside me, and their bodies were their bodies. Our breasts were our breasts. Our clothes were our clothes that we had chosen to wear and chosen to take off, leaving them in warm heaps on the chilled wood next to the damp footprints, which were also ours.

When we jumped into the water, we chose to jump in. The weeds brushed against our bodies obliviously, encircling our fingers and toes and hips with no knowledge of or care about which was which.

We splashed water with our fists and yelled, but if we were afraid, it was only of fish. That thought made us laugh. We saluted the dark, starry, silent sky, and it did not so much as whistle or wink back.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!