What is shibari?

— Here’s everything to know about Japanese rope bondage, according to experts

Right this way for all the kinky details

DISCLAIMER: Always get consent when trying something new. If you are unsure about any of the terms mentioned in this article please refer to our expert guide to BDSM. The views expressed in this article are those of experts and not of Cosmopolitan. If you are concerned about your safety or need advice on sex and sexuality, speak with a sexual health professional or counsellor or contact Brook for anonymous support.

Whether you’re kink-curious or consider yourself a bona fide kinxpert (that’s ‘kink expert’, in case that wasn’t clear), one thing about sex on the kinky side is that there is always more to learn. Hence why we’re on a never-ending journey to provide you with the kind of top-notch kink-ed your high school health class definitely didn’t. Which brings us to today’s lesson. Hi, let’s talk about a form of BDSM that is definitely not for the under-educated: shibari.

Shibari, or kinbaku, is the art of Japanese rope tying. It falls under the ‘B’ in BDSM — bondage. Kinbaku actually means ‘tight binding’ and shibari means ‘tying’.

“Shibari, or Japanese rope bondage, is a style of kink or BDSM play that comes from Japan and is firmly rooted in the adult entertainment and image-making industry of the early 20th century,” says sex educator Midori, author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and founder of Rope Dojo and ForteFemme Women’s Intensive. “It originated as an underground form of culturally-specific erotic fantasy play that centres on the erotic nostalgia of bygone eras.”

It’s a true art form that takes great skill and practice — we’re talking tying people into human chandeliers and tying countless, intricate knots for hours on end. Mastering shibari can take years and years of dedication. This advanced kink practice isn’t for everyone, but for the (deeply patient) shibari lover, it is everything.

Sex expert Julieta Chiara, a certified kinbaku instructor, says shibari’s appeal is layered and can be almost spiritual: “It’s the erotic nature, blend of pleasure and pain or restraint, and the immense connection and trust that is built between the rigger (the one tying) and the rope bottom (the one getting tied).”

When practiced safely and effectively, shibari can be a fantastic way to explore a whole new kind of erotic experience. Keep reading to find out all about shibari’s exquisite history, how to learn more about the practice, and even some sexy positions that beginners can try (plus a cute tip on how to work shibari into a date night out).

What is shibari?

Also known as Japanese rope bondage or ‘kinbaku’, shibari is a contemporary form of rope bondage that originated in Japan, says Midori.

Simply put, shibari is the act of tying a person up for aesthetic purposes — maybe in a pretty or intricate pattern, typically by using some form of rope. And while shibari is most often used as a means for sexual pleasure, it’s historically been used as a form of meditation, relaxation, and a trust-building practice between two partners, says sexpert Gabi Levi.

You may remember that this sex practice had a little cameo on Netflix’s series Too Hot to Handle when the contestants tied each other up, but trust, it goes so much deeper than what the show depicted.

How is it different from regular bondage?

Bondage, in general, can use any kind of restriction — handcuffs, tape, ties, scarves, etc. — but shibari refers exclusively to the practice of using rope, or rope-like material, to bind yourself or a partner, says sex educator Rev. Rucifer. “Shibari is often not just about the sensation of restriction but also about the intimate connection between the rigger and receiver.”

And while rope bondage is used commonly in BDSM practices anyway, “shibari stands out for its striking visual aesthetic and emphasis on the emotional and psychological connection between the participants”, says rope artist and instructor Jonathan Ryan of Seattle Shibari.

“Shibari stands out for its striking visual aesthetic and emphasis on connection”

The history of shibari

The origins of shibari are steeped in myth and legend. Chiara says its history is lengthy and often unclear. “The wives’ tail is that it stemmed from the Edo period, being used as a form of imprisonment and restraint,” she explains. “There are also martial arts like Hojōjutsu, which also uses ropes in a restrictive way that mirrors much of kinbaku’s core elements. Along that road, with its many iterations, we eroticised it — as humans usually do with any part of human behaviour and history.”

The modern concept of shibari as we know it today — the art form of tying and being tied for pleasure — seems to have emerged from a kind of nostalgia that is culturally specific to Japan. It is a callback to the storybook-like beauty and mystery of ancient Japan. Much of modern kinbaku is based in folklore and fantasy.

garters on sexy thighs

“In the same way that kinky people of European heritage have incorporated legends and tools of medieval European incarceration, such as Saint Andrew’s Cross and shackles, into their sexual shadow play, so have Japanese folks found carnal inspiration from historical fables of their captured maidens and incarcerated heroes,” Midori adds. While in Europe, non-consensual incarceration often used metal and leather, in Japan it was usually rope. “Every culture finds its muse of sexual transgression in dark moments of its history,” she says.

Midori also stresses that sex work and adult entertainment is an important part of shibari’s history, which, she notes, can sometimes get overlooked in the culturally appropriative version of shibari that has become common in the western world today. “The thing I caution against is when imagined history paints shibari as something sacred, honorable, and secret and ignores its gloriously, deliciously messy history.”

For more on this gloriously messy history, check out Midori’s essay, “The History & Myths of Japanese Bondage: Censorship, Sex Work, and Othering in the World of Shibari”.

Understanding the different roles in shibari

There are two main roles in shibari: the rigger and the model.

The Japanese word for the rigger is ‘nawashi’, or ‘rope artist’. The model is often referred to as the ‘bunny’, ‘rope bunny’, or ‘rope bottom’. These roles often function in the same way as a Dominant and submissive in BDSM. The rigger is the Dom and the bunny is the sub.

But not always. Chiara says the ways the rigger and bunny relate to one another varies depending on what each person wants out of the scene. “In my tying, I like to make our session a collaboration, as I’m not dominant in BDSM spaces,” she explains. “I tie designs and prints on a model’s body and take them through a sensory experience. This can include pain, pleasure, sensuality, or somatic release.”

The bunny may not be the one tying the knots, but it’s still a big job. “Shibari pushes you to surrender,” Chiara explains. “Building trust, connection, and safety is a huge part from both sides, not just the rigger.” Not to mention, you have to stay perfectly still while your rigger ties you into intricate positions.

“Communication is vital for the model to express their comfort, physical limitations, and concerns”

Some folks practice in a more versatile way, shifting the roles in ways that work for them. “There are instances where people like me explore self-tying (tying oneself, also known as self-suspension) or engage in more fluid roles where both partners share tying and being tied responsibilities interchangeably,” Chiara says.

In order to have a healthy, pleasurable, and safe kinbaku experience, everyone needs to thoroughly communicate and negotiate. “Communication is vital for the model to express their comfort levels, physical limitations, and any concerns or preferences they might have regarding the tying process.”

Crucially, Chiara says it’s highly advised that you are fully trained as a rigger before practicing shibari — this stuff is actually dangerous. This isn’t your old ‘throw on some handcuffs and mess around’ kind of kink. It’s truly a cultivated skillset.

What are some misconceptions about shibari?

The biggest misconception about shibari is that people tend to paint it as a purely spiritual art form, basically ignoring the horny side that has roots in adult entertainment. “The myth that it’s precious and sacred and honorable — that’s actually sex negativity dressed in a polite bow,” says Midori. “It can be spiritual, it can be insightful, it can be romantically bonding, it can be straight up hot sex, or no sex,” she says.

When it comes to practice, Midori notes that it’s important to remember that all genders can be tied up, flagging the idea that only women are restrained as “utter nonsense”.

Additionally, while beginners should ease into it, Midori adds that shibari doesn’t always have to be this slow-paced experience. “It can be fast, messy, and sexy,” she adds.

How to try shibari as a beginner

Like engaging in any new sexual experience, communicating your boundaries and hard limits prior to beginning is a must. “Because rope bondage involves restraint and power dynamics, the person being tied may not express boundaries clearly,” says Ryan. “For that reason, be sure to have a clear discussion beforehand about what you both want out of the experience, what is on and off the table, and how you’ll communicate if there is an issue.”

It’s worth developing a safe word (like ‘pineapple’ or ‘red’) that could relay to your partner the scene is going too far or there’s a boundary being crossed. Here are some questions you should ask and answer with your partner beforehand:

What do you look and sound like when things feel good to you?
How will I know if you’re having fun?
How will I know when I need to change course?
What kind of mood or feelings do we want to have while we play (rough, tender, naughty, cared for, etc.)?

Once you have boundaries established, you should get familiar with the basics. Here are some things you’ll need to know in order to get started:

Learn how to tie a ‘single-column tie’ (like a Somerville Bowline) because that’s the foundation of the practice, suggests Ryan. Here’s a video tutorial.
Start with a floor tie rather than going straight into suspension, says Rucifer. This ensures that you practice the proper methods before jumping into in-air suspension.
Have safety shears on hand… for obvious reasons.
Make sure you have a safe and comfortable space to play. It should be familiar to both parties.
The preferred material of rope is jute because it’s a strong natural fiber, but hemp and cotton will work too.

Lastly, educate yourself with videos, resources, books, and anything else you can find on the subject to ensure healthy and safe practices. This rope bottom guide is great if you want to be the person tied up. This website offers general education about shibari from trained educators. And this how-to video can get you started properly if you’re new to this world.

Basic shibari positions

You want to start simple and, of course, have fun. “Learning a ‘two column’ tie (like wrist to wrist), a ‘single column’ tie (such as for ankles or the hip), or a simple chest harness can get you far by combining them in different ways and using them to help create the moods you want,” Midori says.

Important PSA for beginners: you do not have to integrate suspension into your shibari practice. In fact, that’s highly discouraged for beginners. Midori strongly encourages anyone new to shibari to stay on the ground.

“The reality is that suspension is difficult. It’s really hard on the body, it’s very technical, and requires hands-on training (not just YouTube!!). Accidents and injuries (including cumulative long-term effects) happen, and you need special equipment,” Midori says. “Additionally, it requires the person tying to pay so much attention to the technicality that the passion and mutual attention can take a back seat.”

If you’re just starting out, Midori suggests simply placing your forearms behind the back, to be tied at the wrists. “A basic and common one is the forearms stacked behind the back and the wrists tied together,” Midori says. “Also fun are each thigh tied to the same ankle on both legs (again with the wrists tied behind the back).”

“Important PSA for beginners: you do not have to integrate suspension into your shibari practice”

Of course, if you’re more experienced or simply curious as to what more advanced positions look like, there’s more you can do.

Shibari photographer Kent Wolfburn, aka Sensual Shibari, shares that one of his favourite positions to shoot is the futomomo, or frog tie. “In this tie, a bottom’s legs are locked in a fully bent position, calves pressed to thighs,” he explains. “It’s another classic tie for shibari photography and one that I use very often. It’s also a great tie for D/s play. It leaves a person quite exposed, and the rope provides convenient handholds for a top to control their bottom’s legs.”

As incorrect ties can lead to injury or just be uncomfortable, it’s best to start low and go slow. You can always take your favorite sex position and integrate light rope play into that. Stop at once and grab the safety shears if there’s any change in skin color, tingling, temperature changes, or any discomfort.

“You can also have a chest or body harness and wear it under your clothes for date night and enjoy some stealthy sexy shibari fun,” Midori says.

Shibari vs. bondage: which should I try?

All BDSM practices require high levels of trust and communication, but for shibari, there’s sometimes a more intimate and emotionally binding (pun intended) component to it. “The sensation of being tied up is not the sensation of being ‘trapped’ but rather lends itself to the idea of completely letting go of the physical bounds and allowing for that deep, emotional catharsis to take place,” says Levi.

“The play between the power dynamics and the release of control from the bottom to the top creates an intimate dance of trust and connection between partners. This often creates deep emotional connection, sometimes experienced as crying, euphoria, or simply a feeling of a deeper connection,” says Rucifer.

Tips, tricks, and benefits of trying shibari

Blindfolds will make everything significantly more fun. “These take the pressure off the new adventurer and enhance the sensation for the person bottoming,” says Midori.
Keep things simple and sexy. No need to overcomplicate the ties.
Relish in the untying part too — don’t just focus on the aesthetics of tying your partner. “Take your time to savour that — it’s often when the skin and body is really awake to sensuality,” says Midori.

How to learn more about shibari

If you want to learn more about shibari, Midori stresses that the best, most responsible way to do so is to take hands-on practice classes from experts who know what they’re doing. There are books available, such as Midori’s Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and Lee Harrington’s Shibari You Can Use.

Midori also recommends checking out free video tutorials on TwistedMonk.com, which teach “easy, practical, and fun skills”.

One thing to avoid? Attempting to learn purely from photography, says Midori. Don’t believe everything you see in pictures or try to replicate them! Models often have assistants for photoshoots, she cautions, adding that many images of shibari you’re likely to find online may be created and enhanced by digital editing.

It’s also worth doing some research into your local kink and sex-positive scene. Chances are there are shibari classes or meet-ups you can attend. And, if any of this sounds intimidating, know that there are tons of cute handcuffs and other bondage toys for beginners that allow for similar experiences with safety and ease in mind.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

October 7, 2024May 10, 2026

Condoms are no longer a fact of life for young Americans.

— They’re an afterthought

Condoms are made available to students at the University of Mississippi campus in Oxford, Miss., Wednesday, Aug. 28, 2024.

By Devna Bose

It’s hard to miss the overflowing bowl of condoms at the entrance of the gym.

Some University of Mississippi students walking past after their workout snicker and point, and the few who step forward to consider grabbing a condom rethink it when their friends catch up, laughter trailing behind them. Almost no one actually reaches in to take one.

Though officials say they refill the bowl multiple times a day, and condoms are available at multiple places on campus, Ole Miss students say the disinterest is indicative of changing attitudes.

Fewer young people are having sex, but the teens and young adults who are sexually active aren’t using condoms as regularly, if at all. And people ages 15 to 24 made up half of new chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis cases in 2022.

The downward trend in condom usage is due to a few things: medical advancements like long-term birth control options and drugs that prevent sexually transmitted infections; a fading fear of contracting HIV; and widely varying degrees of sex education in high schools.

Is this the end of condoms? Not exactly. But it does have some public health experts thinking about how to help younger generations have safe sex, be aware of their options—condoms included—and get tested for STIs regularly.

“Old condom ads were meant to scare you, and all of us were scared for the longest time,” said Dr. Joseph Cherabie, medical director of the St. Louis HIV Prevention Training Center. “Now we’re trying to move away from that and focus more on what works for you.”

A shift in attitudes

Downtown Oxford was thrumming the day before the first football game of the season. The fall semester had just started.

Lines of college students with tequila-soda breath waited to be let in dim bars with loud music. Hands wandered, drifting into back pockets of jeans, and they leaned on one another.

It’s likely that many of those students didn’t use a condom, said Magan Perry, president of the college’s Public Health Student Association.

“Using a condom is just a big, ‘uh, no,’” the senior said.

Young women often have to initiate using condoms with men, she said, adding that she’s heard of men who tell a sexual partner they’ll just buy emergency contraception the next day instead.

“I’ve had friends who go home with a guy and say they’re not having sex unless they use a condom, and immediately the reaction is either a reluctant, ‘OK, fine,’ or ‘If you don’t trust me, then I shouldn’t even be here,’” Perry said. “They’re like, ‘Well, I’m not dirty, so why would I use them?’”

Women have long had the onus of preventing pregnancy or STIs, Cherabie said, and buying condoms or emergency contraceptives—which are often in a locked cabinet or behind a counter—can be an uncomfortable experience and “inserts a certain amount of shame,” Cherabie said.

If pregnancy risk has been the driving factor for condom usage among heterosexual couples, the fear of contracting HIV was the motivation for condom use among men who have sex with men.

But as that fear has subsided, so has condom use, according to a recent study that focused on a population of HIV-negative men who have sex with men.

Grindr, a popular gay dating app, even lists condom use under “kinks” instead of “health.” Things like that make Steven Goodreau, an HIV expert at the University of Washington who led the study, worry that the change in attitudes toward condoms is trickling down to younger generations.

Goodreau believes the promotion of pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), a drug that prevents HIV, is overshadowing condoms as a prevention strategy. A strategic plan for federal HIV research through 2025 doesn’t mention condoms, and neither does the national Ending the HIV Epidemic plan.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention acknowledges that condoms are still an effective tool that can be used “alongside newer prevention strategies.”

“We know that condom use has declined among some groups, but they still have an important role to play in STI prevention,” said Dr. Bradley Stoner, director of the CDC’s Division of STD Prevention.

“Condoms can be accessed without navigating the health care system, can be used on-demand, are generally affordable and most importantly, they are effective at preventing HIV and STIs when used consistently and correctly.”

Medical advances allow for more options

Pleasure—for both men and women—has long been an undeniable factor for the lack of condom use, according to Dr. Cynthia Graham, a member of the Kinsey Institute team that studies condoms.

But more so, advances in medicine have expanded the options for both STI and pregnancy prevention.

Young cisgender women have been turning to contraceptive implants like intrauterine devices and birth control pills to keep from getting pregnant. And researchers say that once women are in committed relationships or have one sexual partner for a significant amount of time, they often switch to longer-term birth control methods.

Ole Miss junior Madeline Webb said she and her partner seem like outliers—they have been seeing each other for four years, but still use condoms. They also share the responsibility of buying condoms.

“People see condoms as an inconvenience … but they do serve a purpose even if you’re on birth control because there is always a chance of an STD,” Webb said.

A new drug on the market could mean even more STI prevention options for men and possibly women.

Doxycycline post-exposure prophylaxis, or doxy PEP, can be taken within 72 hours after unprotected sex and can help prevent chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis. It has to be prescribed by a doctor. Trials are still being conducted for women, but the drug is gaining traction among men who have sex with men and transgender women.

With widespread uptake, the drug has the potential to make a significant impact in STI prevention strategies.

“When PrEP came out, everyone was excited because it was one less thing to worry about in terms of HIV acquisition,” Cherabie said. “With another thing on board that can help decrease our likelihood of getting other STIs, on top of not having to worry about HIV, it gives our community and patients a little less anxiety about their sex lives.”

And in just a decade, PrEP has become a main preventive measure against HIV and other STIs for men who have sex with men—though it is disproportionately used by white men.

Condom use now is “pretty much a thing of the past” for men who have sex with men compared to the 1980s and early 1990s during the AIDS epidemic, said Andres Acosta Ardilla, a community outreach director at an Orlando-based nonprofit primary care clinic that focuses on Latinos with HIV.

“Part of what we have to talk about is that there is something enticing about having condomless sex,” Acosta Ardilla said. “And we have to, as people who are working in public health, plan for the fact that people will choose to have condomless sex.”

The fight over sex ed

Despite the relentless Southern sun, a handful of people representing various student organizations sat at tables in the heart of Ole Miss’ campus. Students walked past and grabbed buttons, wristbands and fidget toys. One table offered gold-packaged condoms—for cups to prevent drinks from being spiked.

Actual condoms are noticeably absent. They’re also absent in the state’s public schools.

Condom demonstrations are banned in Mississippi classrooms, and school districts can provide abstinence-only or “abstinence-plus” sexual education—both of which can involve discussing condoms and contraceptives.

Focus on the Family, an Christian organization that advocates for teaching abstinence until marriage, is concerned that comprehensive sex education “exposes students to explicit materials.” Abstinence-centered education is “age-appropriate” and keeps students safe and healthy, Focus on the Family analyst Jeff Johnston said in an emailed statement.

But Josh McCawley, deputy director of Teen Health Mississippi, an organization that works with youth to increase access to health resources, said the effects are clear.

“The obvious consequence is the rise of sexually transmitted infections, which is what we’re seeing right now, which can be a burden on the health care system,” he said, “but also there could be long-term consequences for young people in terms of thinking about what it means to be healthy and how to protect themselves, and that goes beyond a person’s sexual health.”

The latest CDC data from 2022 shows Mississippi has the highest teen birth rate in the country.

Scott Clements, who oversees health information for the state education department, was hesitant to criticize Mississippi’s sex education standards because they’re “legislatively mandated.”

“If the legislature wants to make changes to this, we will certainly follow their lead,” he added—though attempts to pass more advanced sexual education standards have died repeatedly in the Mississippi statehouse over the past eight years.

Nationally, there is no set standard for sex education, according to Michelle Slaybaugh, policy and advocacy director for the Sexuality Information and Education Council for the United States, which advocates for comprehensive sex ed.

Not every state mandates sex education. Some states emphasize abstinence. Less than half of states require information on contraception.

“There is no definitive way to describe what sex ed looks like from classroom to classroom, even in the same state, even in the same district,” Slaybaugh said, “because it will really be determined by who teaches it.”

Compare Mississippi to Oregon, which has extensive state standards that require all public school districts to teach medically accurate and comprehensive sexual education. Students in Portland are shown how to put on a condom starting in middle school and have access to free condoms at most high schools.

Lori Kuykendall of Dallas, who helped write abstinence-focused standards, said condom demonstrations like those in Portland “normalize sexual activity in a classroom full of young people who the majority of are not sexually active.” She also points to increasingly easy access to pornography — in which people typically do not wear condoms—is a contributing factor to the decline in condom use among young people.

Jenny Withycombe, the assistant director for health and physical education at Portland Public Schools, acknowledged the standards see pushback in the more conservative and rural parts of Oregon. But the idea is to prepare students for future interactions.

“Our job is to hopefully build the skills so that even if it’s been a while since the (condom) demo … the person has the skills to go seek out that information, whether it’s from the health center or other reliable and reputable resources,” Withycombe said.

Those standards seem to contribute to a more progressive view of condoms and sex in young adults, said Gavin Leonard, a senior at Reed College in Portland and a former peer advocate for the school’s sexual health and relationship program.

Leonard, who grew up in Memphis—not far from Oxford, Mississippi, said his peers at Reed may not consistently use condoms, but, in his experience, better understand the consequences of not doing so. They know their options, and they know how to access them.

Slaybaugh wants that level of education for Mississippi students—and the rest of the country.

“We would never send a soldier into war without training or the resources they need to keep themselves safe,” she said. “We would not send them into a battle without a helmet or a bulletproof vest. So why is it OK for us to send young people off to college without the information that they need to protect themselves?”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

September 10, 2024May 10, 2026

How Queer, Disabled People Are Finding Pleasure and Community Through Kink

— For decades, kinky disabled people have been creating intentional, accessible spaces where their own sensuality, agency, and erotic connection is at the center.

By Sara Youngblood Gregory

Artemis and Greta met in 2021 at a Brooklyn rope jam, a type of casual, low-pressure community event where people gather to hang out and practice rope play. The meeting, Artemis jokingly tells Them, was a business partnership at first sight.

Not long after she met Greta, Artemis began working at a woman-owned boutique sex shop — something she initially looked forward to as a kinky and disabled trans person. But Artemis quickly realized the shop wasn’t as inclusive of her community as she’d hoped.

Not only do many sex shops lack basic sexual health and gender-affirming products for trans folks, Artemis says the physical layout of these spaces are often exclusionary for disabled people. “You go in [these stores] and you’re already knocking everything over. We need spaces where fat people can move, people with limited mobility can move around and sit, [where there are] chairs and couches for people for when you’re overstimulated,” Artemis, 30, says.

Not long after working at the boutique, Artemis pitched Greta on the idea of a sex shop that catered to their community: people who are queer, trans, disabled, and decidedly kinky. Greta, a 29-year-old with autism, was immediately sold on the idea. For them, access to kink had long been central to their sex life and sense of identity.

“I’ve never had the option to come out as disabled, it’s been since day one,” says Greta. “Kink gives me a space where my support needs are the crux of what happens, and my ability to be nonverbal is both a tool and a strength.”

Image may contain Adult Person Clothing Swimwear Accessories Bracelet and Jewelry

Less than a year later in January 2024, the pair formally launched the Toolbox Collective in an inconspicuous brick building in New York City’s West Village. To their knowledge, the Toolbox is the first and only trans-owned, queer-centered sex shop in New York City.

The launch was so busy there was a waiting list at the door. (I should know; I was on it!) Everyone was masked, and the tables were brimming with pleasure products, many designed specifically for transfemme pleasure and with accessibility in mind. There were racks of kink gear and gender-affirming apparel, along with an abundance of free resources: educational zines, harm reduction treatments like Narcan, drug testing kits, and condoms. Though the initial launch was in a basement, requiring a narrow journey down a flight of stairs, the Toolbox Collective has since hosted events and workshops in many different venues and are working toward a permanent brick-and-mortar shop that’s fully accessible.

“The ultimate goal of the Toolbox Collective is building a space where people can go and have the tools and resources to access a more autonomous and embodied relationship to their pleasure,” says Greta.

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For decades, kinky disabled people have been creating intentional, accessible spaces where their own sensuality, agency, and erotic connection is at the center. But as with the Toolbox Collective, much of this work comes from a place of necessity and exclusion. Although one in four adults in the U.S. is living with a disability, disabled adults are often infantilized, desexualized, or reduced to harmful tropes — and that’s to say nothing of the legal disparities that impact disabled folks, including marriage equality. Even in queer and trans spaces, it’s common for disabled people to be treated as an afterthought.

Kink, both as a practice and a community, can offer a space where queer and trans disabled people get to experience their own bodies on their own terms. From BDSM and beyond, kink can happen anywhere desire happens and be adapted across a full spectrum of bodies and abilities. It ranges from sensation play and bondage to power exchanges and roleplay.

“Kink gives me a space where my support needs are the crux of what happens, and my ability to be nonverbal is both a tool and a strength.”

As Anna Randall, a clinical sexologist and executive director of The Alternative Sexualities Health Research Alliance (TASHRA) points out, research has even proven that kink can offer particular benefits for disabled folks. As both a practice and community, kink can encourage confidence, personal healing, body acceptance, community building, and in some cases, even pain or symptom management, Randall tells Them

“BDSM is a playground of somatic experiences,” Randall says. Kink often encourages embodiment — or an intentional connection between the mind, body and senses — which can be especially valuable for people with disabilities and those with certain sensory needs and cravings, Randall adds.

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For Sara Elise, a 35-year-old autistic leatherdyke, embodiment is one of the main benefits of her kink practice. “[BDSM play] allows me to be fully body-present, open, and flowing, the best version of myself,” she says. Elise discovered kink over a decade ago and soon began exploring bottoming and submission, as well as other power dynamics and ritualized play.

“Before developing a relationship with kink and receiving my diagnosis, I knew that I felt too much but I didn’t know why and I didn’t know how to deal with it,” Elise says. To cope with her symptoms, she regularly turned to self-harm and self-medicating with drugs and alcohol.

“When I discovered kink, I discovered an outlet for self-regulation and play, a boundaried, clear, communicative, and constructive outlet for processing the intensity of energy and feelings I experience,” Elise says.

Like Elise, 23-year-old Juno uses kink to connect with their body — and to reclaim their power after negative healthcare experiences. During their sophomore year of college, Juno was often in and out of the hospital. These visits, alongside a childhood fear of needles, left them with a strong aversion to medical settings.

But while researching body modifications for their thesis, Juno decided to explore sharps play, which involves using sharp objects like needles on the body. Pretty soon, they were hooked. “I developed this really interesting relationship with [needles] where I decided, this is scary, but I have control over it,” they say. “It’s exposure therapy almost and it makes it so much easier to just look at a needle and be like, that’s nothing I can handle that.” Juno gets blood work done every few months; the appointments have transformed from uncomfortable to mundane.

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But kink isn’t just about finding joy and agency in a sometimes-tenuous body; it’s also a way to build community. Though most queer people understand the importance of chosen family, these networks of care can be especially vital for disabled people who are more likely to lack adequate healthcare, housing, employment and other basic resources than their non-disabled counterparts. Though they often go underappreciated, these communities are deeply tied to LGBTQ+ history and survival. During the AIDS crisis, for example, leather families and lesbian activists helped popularize what was called the “San Francisco model of care,” a then-radical approach that prioritized holistic care for people living with HIV and AIDs — including home-delivered meals and other services — rather than solely focusing on medical treatment.

Today, the internet is transforming how kinky disabled people can find one another. In her research with TASHRA, Anna Randall says approximately 80% of kinksters go online to find community — and that includes Pup Quincy, a 26-year-old living with Multiple Sclerosis and chronic pain.

After exploring the New York city play party scene, Pup Quincy decided to fully embrace kink online, especially as various parties began lifting their COVID-19 guidelines. Online, they’ve attended workshops and monthly meet-ups and regularly connect on Discord.

“When it comes to the kink disability community, I would not have been able to connect with as many people or really as regularly or intentionally if it had not been for the spaces that I found online,” Pup Quincy says. “We’re [in these spaces] because we can’t engage with sex in the ways we like to or want to on a regular basis and finding that community has been very, very fulfilling and rewarding.”
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These disability-centered spaces and relationships have helped Pup Quincy enter their self-love era, where they connect with and care for their body through self-domming (depending on the person, self-domming can be focused erotic acts like masturbation or non-sexual activities like self-care). “The more I talk to other disabled people, I’m like ‘you guys are fucking smart,” they say. “[I] walk away feeling like, oh wow, there’s really so many possibilities to feel good in a world and a body that might feel really fucking bad. The perseverance and resilience to do that all the time is truly one of the most beautiful things in the world to me.”

There’s also a demand for IRL spaces where disabled pleasure is baked into the culture of the play, not sprinkled on top as an afterthought.

“The rope scene is not untouched by white supremacy, and in turn, ableism, fatphobia, and transphobia,” says Salem, a 26-year-old rope switch. When some friends introduced them to their local rope scene, Salem was immediately drawn to the social atmosphere of rope jams and the way relationships between rope facilitates intimate, non-normative dynamics. But a lot of rope education excludes modifications for bigger, disabled, or hypermobile people, and according to Salem, many riggers just aren’t that interested in learning these modifications.

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“Though shibari is Japanese, the idealized body in rope, at least in the U.S., is a thin, able-bodied cis white woman,” they say. “I would say the scene largely pedestalizes ties that are intense and risky, while ties that are more comfortable, lower risk, and more accessible are seen as ‘boring,’ which unfortunately leaves a lot of people on the margins.” In response, Salem co-founded a rope jam that centers trans and marginalized kinksters — one of the few monthly rope spaces that still practices COVID precautions.

Now, Salem’s rope community is largely made up of other trans people of color, sex workers, and disabled folks. Salem reports that people often find their rope jams to be one of the only spaces they feel comfortable tying. Like kink itself, community spaces are co-created by all those involved, meaning they can be shaped and reshaped to fit the needs of all parties.

“Rope is like a language, and you give yourself a loose script. It feels like a safe(r) container where genuine play and vulnerability become accessible,” Salem says. “Through rope, I’ve found a lovely community of weirdos who see me for who I really am, who take care of each other, and who are willing to have hard conversations about important things.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

August 28, 2024May 13, 2026

Can Orgasms Make You Smarter?

— Here’s What Experts Say

Various sections of the brain are activated during the Big O, including the limbic system.

By Kimberly Delarosa

No matter your relationship status or sexual preference, we all want to experience orgasm during sex. And why not? Studies show one of the benefits of orgasm is shutting down the thinking and logical part of our brain; a vacation for the overthinker. Instead, we drift off into an ecstasy of pleasure, a feeling that has inspired poetry, art, and songs for centuries.

While we always remember the feeling, there is a relationship between orgasms, the human brain, and overall health from gynecological and neurological perspectives. And since orgasms have a major effect on the brain, we reached out to experts to ask a simple question: Can orgasms make you smarter?

It’s an especially important question given the persisting orgasm gap. A recent study published by the journal Sexual Medicine found that 82% of men reported orgasm during their most recent casual sexual encounter—compared with only 32% of women. Since the 1970s (the age of female sexual empowerment), resources and information revolving around women’s sexual health has increased. Yet while women may have reached the era of sexual liberation in America, the gap in orgasm satisfaction is still significant. But why?

When it comes to sex for heterosexual couples, studies show that women have a lower orgasm rate due to different definitions of pleasure and satisfaction. “One of the biggest reasons women may struggle to orgasm is a lack of clitoral stimulation,” says Aliyah Moore, a certified sex therapist with a PhD in gender and sexuality studies. The majority of women require direct or indirect clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, as the clitoris includes a large number of nerve endings that play an important part in sexual pleasure. Men prioritize penile-vaginal intercourse over more clitorally focused sexual activities. This seems to happen mainly in heterosexual relationships, as lesbian and bisexual women reported higher orgasm rates.

Another reason for the orgasm gap is the pressure of performance. “When women feel pressured—either by themselves or by their partner—to attain orgasm, it can cause tension, which makes it even more difficult. The emphasis switches from enjoying the sexual experience to satisfying an expectation, sometimes disrupting the natural rise to orgasm,” says Moore. Women also struggle to orgasm more with age due to hormonal changes, history of abuse, or chronic illnesses.

Low orgasm rates show there’s still more work to do in female sexual empowerment, especially since the deficit is depriving women of numerous health benefits. Ahead, neuroscientists and sex therapists break down how orgasms affect the brain, the physical benefits, and how to increase your orgasm rate overall.

Can orgasms make you smarter?

While there is not yet any concrete evidence that orgasms can boost intelligence, there is something to be said about what happens to the brain when a person reaches orgasm. According to research by Barry Komisaruk, PhD, a psychologist, neuroscientist, and professor at New Jersey’s Rutgers University, “more than 30 major brain systems are activated” during orgasm. Dr. Komisaruk specializes in identifying the brain regions that respond to genital stimulation to generate orgasm in women and men.

In a 2010 research study, Dr. Komisaruk found when a person reaches orgasm, various sections of the brain are activated, including the limbic system (responsible for memory) and the prefrontal cortex (responsible for problem-solving).

The brain produces waves of neurochemicals that activate brain regions during orgasm including the hypothalamic paraventricular nucleus, amygdala, hippocampus, and vagus nerve, among other places. These chemicals are released toward the spinal cord and increase brain activity. So while an orgasm won’t suddenly turn you into a genius, the neurochemicals released during this pleasurable experience can temporarily boost cognitive performance in certain areas.

What are the other benefits of orgasm?

Achieving orgasm regularly provides numerous physical benefits. While sexual activity has been known to release endorphins and oxytocin (resulting in feeling relaxed), orgasms through sex can help relieve menstrual pain, reduce stress, improve bladder control, and promote better sleep. In Dr. Komisaruk’s book The Science of Orgasms, women who engaged in sex during menstruation were less likely to develop endometriosis. It also helps regulate hormones, positively impacting mood and overall health. But that’s not all!

“Sex may also be associated with beauty, as it can increase levels of DHEA, a hormone which is thought to ward off depression and promote shiny hair, glowing skin, and bright eyes,” says Jessica O’Riley, PhD, a sexologist and relationship expert. “This explains the term sex glow.”

Regular sexual activity, whether with a partner or solitary, is associated with higher levels of estrogen, which is key for supporting skin health by increasing collagen and hyaluronic acid naturally. Sex is also a form of exercise and can help boost blood flow throughout the body, which helps reduce stress and has been linked with decreased risk of the common cold or flu and protection against viruses, including influenza.

How can you increase your orgasm rate for better health?

The answer is simple: solo play. Masturbation has been linked to an increase in positive body image and self-confidence when it comes to sex. Sofie Roos, licensed sexologist and couples therapist, suggests this is the first step to reaching sexual satisfaction and a consistent orgasm rate. “Discover yourself and understand your own body and how you can orgasm. Find what physical stimulation you need, such as what sex positions you like best, but also what angles, pressure, and pace you enjoy the most.”

If you’re not in a relationship and would prefer to fly solo, it doesn’t hurt to invest in a good vibrator. Companies like Kama, Omgyesa, and Quinn have taken the lead on sexual wellness, allowing women to experience sex in new and exciting ways.

If you’re in a relationship and want to increase your orgasm rate with your partner, the key is to have a real conversation about sex—not just dirty talk. “All couples have different ways of communicating around sex, and a great way to do it if you find it difficult is in places where you’re most comfortable, like a car ride or a walk,” says Roos.

This conversation can (and should) feel safe and open. “It helps to have a conversation starter to ease into the topic, like an icebreaker,” says Roos. “For example, you can say you saw an advertisement for this new couples’ sex toy that promised to give amazing orgasms and you’re curious to try it, or that you read about a sex position with a higher chance for women to orgasm—like cowgirl or doggy style—and ask if they want to try.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

June 17, 2009May 26, 2026

Sex EDGE-U-cation with Monk – Podcast #131 – 06/17/09

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hey sex fans,

Buckle your seatbelts, my friends, because Monk is in the house. That’s Monk of TwistedMonk.com, don’t cha know. He is located here in Seattle, but his reputation, well that’s international. You’ve seen him all over the freakin’ internet — on his websites, on youtube and twitter; you’ve seen him at the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival; and today you see…well hear him right here on Dr Dick’s Sex Advice. Monk is the consummate bondage performance artist, who is nearly as thrilling to listen to, as he is to watch.

APR07COTM This incredibly sexy and oh so entertaining bondage artist adds his voice to this Sex EDGE-U-cation series. As you know, in these podcasts, we’re looking at the world of fetish sex, kink and alternative sexual lifestyles. We chat with prominent educators, practitioners and advocates of unconventional sexual expressions and lifestyles from all over the world.

Oh, and here’s something you should know. Monk is gonna try and convince us that Twisted Monk does not describe him, but rather is simply the name of his company. Well I beg to differ, sex fans. I mean, please! As you will soon hear, this boy is as twisted as his company’s name implies.

Monk and I discuss:

The Pacific Northwest’s history as a hotbed of perversion.
Twisted Monk, the oldest and largest bondage rope factory in the world.
His mentor, Max of BondageLessons.com.
How he came to be know and Monk.
Monk the performance artist and The Bindings Project.
The high of being the bondage top.

Monk invites you to enter his world HERE!

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

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