Category: Sexuality/Sensuality

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I stopped having sex like a capitalist

— You should try it

“Now, at 29, with years of orgasm-chasing one night stands, toxic relationships and unlearning under my belt, I think I finally get it.”

By Laura Roscioli

I used to have so much energy for all kinds of sex. One night stands. Crazy kinks. All-nighters with an unexpected participant. Couples, friends, people from the internet. I think it was because it was all a bit of a mystery. I was figuring out what I liked, my sexuality, my boundaries. But I was also figuring out what it meant to be a sexual woman in a male dominated world. I was in an era of understanding how my sexuality could be empowering, rather than something that decreases my value.

I feel we’re not really told enough about sex, especially as women. We’re not taught to ask for what we want, we’re not really sure what the norm is… we just feel a lot of pressure to look a certain way and be into certain things, without asking ‘why?’. It was a lot to learn but it gave me the energy to engage with sex in a somewhat surface-level and self-focused way.

As I’ve grown into myself, my relationship with sex has changed so much. I don’t have the energy for sex that doesn’t make me feel safe and grounded. I very rarely feel that animalistic desire to consume sex to satiate a need to figure it – and myself – out, because I’m not aiming for this unachievable pinnacle of orgasm anymore. It’s not a mystery I need to solve to have good sex. But it used to be.

Back in my one night stand days, orgasms felt like the headline act. That everything I — and the person I was in bed with — did, was in the lead up to the orgasm. There were different ways to get there, of course, but really, sex was all about cumming.

It’s a lot of pressure to fully let go and have a wild, mind-bending experience in an intimate setting with someone you hardly know, in the unquestioned effort to reach an orgasm. But it’s always been part of the criteria of doing sex ‘successfully’.

“We’ve come to define ‘good sex’ as achieving an orgasm mostly through the way sex is sold to us,” says sex therapist, Aleks Trkulja. “We’ll often see porn, film and TV scenes that portray a ‘good’ sexual experience as one where people are ejaculating and orgasming.”

Aleks thinks there’s an element of capitalist mentality within it too, where even in sex, we have to “always be producing and achieving and if we’re not, we feel that somehow we’ve failed”. This rings so true to my early experiences with sex. If I wasn’t able to cum or, worse still, I wasn’t able to make the person I was intimate with cum, I felt like I hadn’t done it right.

“There’s this deeply entrenched capitalist attitude, even within a space like sex, that truthfully has no real agenda or criteria of what it should and shouldn’t look like. This pressure is damaging and creates performance anxiety.”

This is why sex can feel stressful. It’s like we’re working towards this goal we don’t really understand and it actually takes us out of the moment and into our heads, making the experience less enjoyable.

And it also becomes boring over time. If each time you have sex with someone new, you’re trying to achieve that same thing in a different way, it can feel predictable. Like, not this again! Not another night of me wondering if I’m good enough at giving blowjobs because they didn’t orgasm from it. Not another night of feeling someone figure out how they’re best going to conquer my body and give me “the best orgasm” I’ve ever had.

By the time I was single again after my previous long-term relationship, I was so done with all of that. I didn’t feel horny for sex unless it was going to be a relaxing, fun and energising experience. To me, that was what I’d come to decide good sex was.

Aleks defines good sex as “a sexually intimate experience you have with consenting adults, where you feel safe and your pleasure is prioritised”. A space that has allowed you to have “an embodied, grounded, enjoyable and curious time”.

“That definition is really important,” she says.  “A lot of people assume good sex means you had multiple orgasms, your dick was rock hard the entire time etc. And it actually has very little to do with function and more to do with how safe and present you feel in your body. That you’re enjoying what you’re doing with yourself or with other people.”

Now, at 29, with years of orgasm-chasing one night stands, toxic relationships and unlearning under my belt, I think I finally get it.

You could literally just be lying down with someone, your clothes off and being stroked in a way that makes you tingle all over: that is good sex. If you’re able to create an environment that makes you feel sexually attuned with yourself, where you feel able to explore free of judgment, where you feel turned on without having to think too hard, where your curiosity and comfort, like Aleks said, is more at the forefront of your mind than your orgasm-count; that is good sex.

“Because we live in a culture and society that deeply conditions us with very intense attitudes around sex that are often embedded within shame, it can be a really difficult process to unlearn your sexual attitudes and beliefs,” says Aleks. “It’s really normal to need professional help, often because the people around you haven’t done that work and you’ll constantly be faced with those beliefs.”

However, if we want to feel empowered and energised by sex, it’s important to redefine what pleasure means to us.

“You need to learn to be present in your body and find pleasure and joy in your body, in a way that is not defined by goal-oriented achievements,” she says. “So not: I orgasmed – therefore I achieved good sex, but rather; I felt pleasure in my body, I felt safe in my body, I was curious in my body. That is good enough. It’s pleasurable.”

These feelings need to become the new indicators for what is a sexually satisfying experience – not the big ‘O’.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Scheduled Sex Can Be Sexy, According to Esther Perel

— The famed relationship therapist says a little premeditation can be a great way out of a relationship rut.

By Erin Bunch

My relationship recently hit a milestone described by Esther Perel as the “fatal erotic blow”—my partner and I transitioned into parenthood. In our experience so far, the famed sex and relationships therapist’s gloomy framing of life after baby has been spot on. Since the birth of our son, sex has completely disappeared from our relationship, with no sign of return. Desperate to maintain that part of myself, and of us, I recently suggested to my partner that we start scheduling sex dates. His response (by text) was: calendar emoji + eggplant emoji + gravestone emoji. In other words, he gave the idea a hard (or rather, soft) pass.

Such resistance to the concept of scheduled sex is not uncommon, Perel herself tells me weeks later when we meet by Zoom to discuss her two new on-topic couples courses, “Playing with Desire” and “Bringing Desire Back.” While nobody thinks scheduling a softball game will detract from the pleasure of playing softball, she says, people feel differently about sex. “Somehow it’s entered into people’s heads that sex should be natural, it should just happen.” she says. “It should just come out of nowhere, envelope me, take me over, and burst out of me.”

My partner, I tell her, definitely struggles with the belief that sex is only good if it’s organic, and she says this mindset is setting us both up for failure. “If you think desire is just this thing that sustains itself on its own—it’s spontaneous, unprompted—you will be disillusioned,” she says. “Good sex over time is premeditated. It’s willful, it’s conscious, it’s intentional.”

Hence, the sex date, the scheduling of which Perel says does not, as my partner fears, imply your relationship is more or less over. On the contrary, she says that when a couple sets aside such time together, it actually demonstrates a promising level of care for the relationship. “The sex date is something that confers importance,” she says. “It says it matters. It says we don’t wait for when we are completely in the mood. It says we meet, and we don’t just meet for the perfunctory meeting. We meet and we can create something special.”

But Perel says turning a to-do, even a sexual one, into anything but a “perfunctory meeting” requires effort and forethought. Sexy sex dates don’t just happen, and her advice for transforming what could be rote into an erotic experience goes far deeper than lingerie and candles.

Step One: Build Anticipation

To begin with, she says, couples must endeavor to create an atmosphere of anticipation around the scheduled rendezvous. Since this isn’t a given—clearly, my partner wouldn’t exactly be drawing hearts around the date on his calendar—it requires what Perel refers to as foreplay, which is much more involved than a few moments of physical warm up prior to intercourse. “Foreplay actually starts at the end of your previous orgasm,” she says.

Here, foreplay means anything that creates “a shift in mindset signaling availability.” It’s flirtation, sexual tension, playfulness—the creation of a vibe between you and your partner. “People think they can scratch the back of the other person and they will be hot and aroused,” says Perel. “But can you do a little more? Can you seduce me? Can you play with me? Can you send me a little note?”

If it’s helpful, she suggests imagining things you might do for a lover rather than a partner. “[With a lover], you’re engaged in a plot. You’re writing a story. It has moods, it has imagery. It has a whole world to it,” she says. And if this is starting to sound like a heavy lift, rest assured that gestures such as a flirty text or small sexy gift can suffice. The key is just to get both parties excited about the scheduled time, so that it feels less like a to-do and more like an I-can’t-wait-to-do-you.

Step Two: Design Rituals

Next, Perel says it’s important to “infuse” the sex date with rituals. Doing so, she explains, helps signal that the event is unique, special, and significant. “Routines create consistency, but the ritual is what gives creativity and intentionality to the routine,” she says.

Your ritual or rituals can be anything, and it doesn’t have to be complicated, just consistent. Maybe you always open your favorite bottle of wine, for example, or put on a specific playlist. “It’s a small thing,” says Perel.

Rituals can also be designed to help you switch from caretaking mode, or career mode, or whatever your daily default mode may be, so that you can tap into your erotic, most alive self. As a new parent, for example, she tells me my ritual could include a shower, a massage, or “anything that brings the woman out from behind the mother.”

Step 3: Ask Yourself Perel’s Favorite Question

To further prepare for your date, it might be helpful to ask yourself one of Perel’s go-to questions for clients, which is “What turns you off?” or “What shuts you down?”

“People will tell you, ‘I turn off when I’m worried, when I’m anxious about money, when I feel like I’m not doing well at work, when I struggle with money, when I feel bloated,’” she says. “It has not much to do with sex, per se. It has to do with life. ‘I’m not alive when…’.” The answers to this question can then help you understand what needs to be left at the door.

On the flip side, asking yourself what turns you on, what helps you feel present and alive, can also help, says Perel. “‘I turn myself on by’ is not the same as ‘what turns me on is’ or ‘you turn me on when’,” she says. Instead, it’s about owning your own desire. “So the question is, ‘How do you make yourself available?’ How do you give yourself permission? How do you make yourself present?”

Without this intel, Perel says, you can tell your partner what works for you, but it probably won’t work. “You won’t respond because you’re not in it. You’re not present,” she says. And while your honest answer may be something along the lines of ‘a first-class ticket somewhere tropical,’ the key is to think of smaller, more achievable turn-ons that will ease you into a more erotic headspace, e.g. a wax, a cocktail, or a compliment from your partner.

Step 4: Understand What Creates Desire

While desire is complex, Perel offers a recipe of sorts, which is “curiosity plus risk.” Curiosity, she says, helps mitigate the less-than-sexy feeling of familiarity. “Curiosity is a key ingredient of eroticism, and that is, ‘Who is this person’ What do they think? How do they experience things? What does coffee taste like to them?’,” she says. Such curiosity often dies as two people enter a place of safety and security together, but she says rediscovering it can help you rediscover passion for your partner. “The need for familiarity is absolutely real, but it cannot be at the expense of no longer having the discovery, the exploration,” she says. “If you don’t have curiosity, you choke the erotic.”

And while you may think you know everything about your partner, Perel says this is an illusion. “We don’t have to create the mystery, the unknown, the discovery,” she says. “It is right in front of us—we just have to engage with it.”

Risk, meanwhile, is a related concept, as it’s also about breaking free of the familiar and stepping outside of your comfort zone as a couple. “If you do the things you enjoy that are familiar to you, then you have good friendship, consistency, reliability. It brings cuddle, not sizzle,” she says. “If you want sizzle, you have to go and create things together, experience new things together, experience yourself differently from how you usually experience yourself in the presence of that person.”

For Perel, risk doesn’t have to take the shape of, say, nonmonogamy. She describes it instead as a combination of novelty and playfulness. “Novelty creates uncertainty, and the creation of uncertainty in the midst of familiarity is unbeatable,” she says. “So what does this mean? It’s not big productions. It’s just doing something you’ve never done together.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Men Are Openly Admitting The One Thing They Wish Women Understood Better About Their Sexual Needs

— “Sometimes, I wanna be the pillow princess.”

By Raven Ishak

“Men, what’s one thing you wish women understood better about male sexuality?”

1.”Lack of erection does not equal lack of interest.”

2.”I want to be seduced. Don’t take for granted that I’m always 100% ready to go at the drop of a hat. Sometimes, I wanna be the pillow princess.”

“I’ve told women this, and it blows their mind. So many beautiful women have never once thought about how to seduce a man past dressing cute. They’re like, ‘Well, I’m here!’”

3.”We like our partners to communicate what they like and don’t. Communication is sexy.”

4.”Don’t use sex as a reward system. I want you to want it because you like it, not as a treat or chore or whatever.”

“Yes! I’ve told my wife more than once that ‘transactional’ sex or offers of sex are a complete turnoff.

Flirting with me while I’m doing something and saying I should come find you once I’m done? That shit is amazing. Telling me if I do task ‘X’, then we might have sex later makes me feel like you really have no interest in affection.”

5.”If I’m not constantly messaging you, it’s not because I don’t care, it’s that I feel secure about us and want to save any news for some quality time in person — not a constant, distracting stream of largely meaningless messages.”

6.”As someone with severe performance anxiety, if I haven’t had sex in a while, it can be very hard to get it up. It’s not that I’m not turned on, and it’s not that you’re anything less than gorgeous; it’s just that my anxiety is preventing me from getting an erection at this moment, and the more I think about it, the worse it’ll get. Just let me go down on you for a while, and we’ll see if it happens. Lol.”

7.”Not all men are like a light switch and are ready to get right to the action immediately. Intimacy and foreplay are a core part of the experience.”

8.”I just wanna be a little spoon once in a while. That shit feels nice.”

“My partner and I usually cuddle for a bit, then turn over and sleep back to back when we’re ready for actual sleep. Sometimes I wake up, and she’s on me like a jetpack, and it just feels so good in my heart.”

9.”There’s a huge difference between orgasm as a physical release (i.e., one-night stand, masturbating) and an orgasm with someone you are emotionally close to. I can jerk off a bunch of times in between having sex, but I need to have sex with my partner in order to be emotionally and mentally fulfilled.”

10.”We can have body image problems. You grew up looking at models who starved themselves to look that way. We grew up looking at action heroes with 0% bodyfat, steroid inflated muscles, who are so dehydrated they can smell water. The body standards for us were just as unrealistic and unhealthy, and it’s nice to hear that we don’t have to be that to be attractive.”

11.”Do not be a people-pleaser in the bedroom. I’d be so hurt to find out I don’t actually know what you like. I am trusting when you give me a ‘hell yes, I love that,’ you’re being honest. It can result in this really frustrating, shameful outcome of knowing you can’t satisfy her but also don’t even know what you’re doing wrong. I can handle reality if I’m not making you cum. I want to improve, so even if you want to tap out or I’m too tired, I want to continue improving. I want to make you feel good, too.”

12.”Blue balls is not a serious condition. Don’t let anyone pressure you into sex, especially with that as an excuse.”

“Or to continue sex, you no longer consent to. There’s no rule that says you have to finish what you start. Consent is revocable by either party at any time.”

13.And finally, “I just want back scratches. You’re only allowed to stay near me because of your nails. I’ll pay for it. But you need to pay the toll. A little to the left. Down. Down. Left. Riiiiiiight theeeeere.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Let’s Talk About Sex and Cancer

— A cancer diagnosis can change your sex life, but patience, experimentation and communication can help you get back on track.

By Liz Highleyman

Sexuality is an important part of life that contributes to overall well-being. Getting a cancer diagnosis, undergoing treatment and becoming a survivor can affect sexual desire and function. Surgery, radiation and chemotherapy not only alter the body, but they can also change how patients—and their partners—feel about their bodies and about sex.

“Sexuality is not synonymous with sexual activity. It covers intimacy, desire, arousal, orgasm and satisfaction,” says Don Dizon, MD, director of the Pelvic Malignancies Program and the Sexual Health First Responders Clinic at Brown University Health Cancer Center. “When it functions normally, we don’t think about it, but when something negatively affects who we are sexually and how we experience pleasure, it can be quite distressing.”

Research suggests that as many as 90% of people with breast, gynecological or prostate cancers experience difficulties with sexual desire or function. For women, the most frequently reported problems include vaginal dryness or atrophy and pain during intercourse (dyspareunia). For men, erectile dysfunction is a common problem. People of any gender may experience loss of sexual desire (libido) and difficulty reaching orgasm.

Treatment for breast, cervical, ovarian or prostate cancers may involve removal of the ovaries or testes or use of hormone therapy to slow the growth of tumors with estrogen, progesterone or androgen (male hormone) receptors. This can put younger women into sudden menopause and can cause numerous side effects for postmenopausal women and men as well. In an effort to prevent cancer recurrence, such treatment may last for years.

But sexual problems are not only a concern for people with cancers that affect the reproductive system. Surgery or radiation for any type of cancer in the pelvic region can lead to scarring and damage to organs, nerves and blood vessels that play a role in sexual function. Treatment for anal cancer can impact the sex lives of gay men and others who enjoy anal sex. Some people with bladder or colorectal cancer will need an ostomy bag to collect urine or feces. One bright spot, however, is that the recent trend toward active surveillance, less invasive surgery, more targeted radiation therapy and lower medication doses can lessen negative outcomes.

Beyond the direct physical effects, cancer and its treatment can also take an emotional toll. Chemotherapy, other cancer medications and radiation can cause side effects such as fatigue, nausea and pain that can leave people uninterested in sex. Hair loss or weight changes due to chemotherapy or removal of a breast can lead to self-con­sciousness or a poor body image. And simply facing cancer can trigger stress, insomnia, anxiety and depression, all of which can kill the mood.

Often, the cancer experience brings couples closer together, but sometimes it can drive them apart. Partners might have a hard time understanding a lack of sexual interest and may need time to adapt to changes in appearance and function. Some partners may withdraw emotionally or fear that sex will cause harm. What’s more, changing roles—for example, when a spouse becomes a caregiver—can affect sexual relationships. Single people may have concerns about when to bring up cancer while dating, and they may be hesitant to start new relationships if their prognosis is uncertain.

“Sometimes cancer can make a relationship stronger. My partner was so loving and supportive, I fell more in love. But for some, it’s a deal-breaker,” says Annie Sprinkle, PhD, a former adult film star and current performance artist who holds a doctorate in human sexuality. “Cancer is going to change you. You have to accept that, and your partner has to accept it.”

Sprinkle was diagnosed with early breast cancer about 20 years ago and had lumpectomies, radiation and chemotherapy, which caused “instant menopause.” Years later, when she got scans after a car accident, doctors found signs of lung cancer, and she underwent surgery again. In characteristic fashion, Sprinkle and her partner, University of California Santa Cruz art professor Beth Stephens, PhD, made cancer a theme of their art.

Cancer patients and survivors can take steps to improve their sexual desire and function before, during and after treatment. Patience, experimentation and communication are keys to a better sex life.

For women, estrogen replacement therapy may improve menopausal symptoms, but this is often not possible for those with hormone-driven cancers. Estrogen creams or vaginal rings can relieve dryness and irritation without increasing the risk for cancer progression or recurrence. A recent study showed that Addyi (flibanserin), a drug that helps balance neurotransmitters in the brain, improved sexual desire, arousal and satisfaction for women with breast cancer. Modern breast surgery techniques are less likely to cause lasting changes in mobility and sensation. Most women have reconstructive surgery after breast removal, but going flat is also an option.

For men, decisions about testosterone replacement therapy to revive a flagging libido can be a balancing act between managing symptoms and minimizing the risk of cancer recurrence. For some men, drugs like Viagra (sildenafil) or Cialis (tadalafil) are effective for treating erectile dysfunction. Penile injections, inflatable implants or vacuum pumps may also be an option. Some experts recommend “erectile rehabilitation,” or regular use of medications and vacuum pumps to achieve an erection even when sex is not desired.

For everyone, eating a balanced diet, getting enough exercise, maintaining a healthy weight and getting adequate sleep contribute to overall quality of life, including sexual well-being. Studies have shown that aerobic exercise, pelvic floor exercises, yoga and meditation can help improve libido and sexual function. Exercises that strengthen the pelvic muscles, in particular, can reduce pain during intercourse, prevent urine leakage during sex and lead to firmer erections.

Time and patience can go a long way. Some sexual symptoms are likely to improve after treatment is completed. Nerves and blood vessels injured by surgery or radiation can sometimes repair themselves, but this can take months or even years. Give yourself time to heal before resuming vaginal or anal sex. Due to a waning libido, sex may not be as spontaneous as it used to be. You might need to plan ahead for when you have more energy or to give erectile dysfunction meds time to work. Adapting to physical and emotional changes can be a prolonged process for both the person with cancer and their partner.

“I like to say, the only answer to any question about sex is, ‘It depends.’ That’s spot-on when it comes to sex and cancer,” Sprinkle says. “Parts of your body might be numb or nervy or have scar tissue, or you can’t have weight on top of you. Forget everything and do it your way. There’s no right way—there’s just what works for you.”

Experimentation is key. Before resuming sex with a partner, it might be helpful to explore your own body and its changing sensations to figure out what feels good—or doesn’t—now. Tune in to novel sensations, and try new positions that might be more comfortable. Some people may choose to wear sexy clothing to hold a breast prosthesis in place or cover a chemo port or ostomy bag. Lubricants can relieve vaginal dryness—many different types are available. Likewise, there’s a wide variety of vibrators and other sex toys to try. Men who are unable to have an erection can usually still experience sexual sensations and learn to achieve orgasm without ejaculation. If intercourse is not possible, explore other ways to maintain intimacy. Your sex life may be different than it was before cancer, but it can still be pleasurable.

“Sometimes people have too narrow a definition of sex,” says Sprinkle. “Get out of the idea that sex is only about intercourse. Find what turns you on. If nothing does, at least have sensual pleasure, like massage or cuddling. Anything can be sex if it gives you pleasure or you find it sensual or erotic. Your sex life can become your pleasure life.”

Open communication is among the most important factors, both between partners and between people with cancer and their health care providers. Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling physically, mentally and emotionally. Discuss what you want out of your sex lives and how to satis­fy both of you. If this is difficult, a marriage or couples counselor or sex therapist might be able to help.

Early in your journey, have frank discussions with your care team—doctors, nurses, mental health therapists and social workers—about how cancer and its treatment could affect your sexual well-being and how to prevent or ameliorate problems. Some cancer centers have sexual health specialists and offer sexual rehabilitation programs. Forewarned is forearmed.

Unfortunately, a majority of cancer patients report that they did not receive adequate sexual health information before, during or after treatment. In part, this is due to a stereotype that older people are not interested in sex. Finding appropriate information can be especially challenging for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. For their part, most oncologists say they never received training in managing sexual problems. Patients often say they don’t want to make their doctors uncomfortable, while doctors say they don’t want to make their patients uncomfortable. Don’t be afraid to make the first move.

“Sexuality does not have to be another part of one’s life ‘lost’ to cancer,” says Dizon. “To avoid conversations around sexuality after cancer robs people of the opportunity to fully participate in a domain that defines us as human beings.”

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Can Meditation Actually Save Your Sex Life?

— Bringing mindfulness to the bedroom

By Wendy Wisner

Sex and meditation are not two things we tend to think of as a pairing. One is typically quiet, relaxing, peaceful, and still. The other is, well…sex.

But meditation is not just about sitting crossed legged on the floor and trying to empty your mind. Meditation is simply being mindful. That can happen during a formal meditation practice, while taking a walk, washing the dishes, as well as including “body-centered techniques”, such as focusing on sensory perceptions.1

So what happens when you combine sensory-focused meditation and mindfulness with sex? Well, you get something called sexual meditation. “Sexual meditation is the practice of combining meditation techniques with sexual activity or intimate connection to deepen physical and emotional awareness,” says Sophie Cress, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist at SexualAlpha. “Its purpose is to enhance the sexual experience by fostering a state of mindfulness, where both partners are fully present and attuned to each other.” Research shows that combining mindfulness with sex can increase sexual health and satisfaction.2

Ready to take a deep dive into meditation and sexuality, including how to practice more meditative sex, either alone or with a partner? We’ve got you covered.

Understanding Sexual Meditation

The concept of sexual meditation is fairly open-ended. It’s simply when you combine sex or sexuality with ideas of mindfulness and meditation. That can look different for different folks.

Shamyra Howard, LCSW, AASECT, certified sex therapist and sexologist at Lovehoney Group, defines sexual mediation like this: “Sexual meditation involves focusing on the present moment and being fully aware of sensations, emotions, and thoughts during sexual activity, whether solo or with a partner.”

Sexual meditation combines the practice of mindfulness and the concept of body awareness3 by focusing on breath and sensation without judgment. “It’s all about allowing yourself to exist and feel all the feels,” Howard says.

Sexual meditation is a conversation between the mind and body, and it’s a process of expressing gratitude for what your body can do and feel in the moment.
— SHAMYRA HOWARD, LCSW, AASECT

Brian Tierney, PhD, licensed psychologist at The Somatic Doctor, describes sexual meditation as a “presence practice,” or a type of body awareness discipline that enables a person to develop the capacity to perceive more and more pleasure. “The purpose is to take more delight in life, to experience the expansive pleasure of having a body-in-relationship,” he says.

“Sexual meditation can delightfully combine the benefits of a mindfulness practice—the training of the mind to remain present, usually by noticing how much it escapes to the past and future—with an expansion of body awareness so that every nook and cranny of the body can tingle with a maximum amount of pleasure from moment to moment,” Dr. Tierney adds.

Exploring the Connection Between Meditation and Sexuality

Meditation and sexuality are more connected than many of us realize, says Howard. That’s because sexuality is not just about sexual pleasure or gratification. “Sexuality includes emotional, psychological, and social dimensions,” she says. “It’s a fluid aspect of human identity that incorporates our sexual preferences, desires, behaviors, and expressions.” and is influenced by not only biology but psychological and social factors as well.4

In other words, sex already has some aspects of mindfulness in it, because you can’t experience sexual pleasure without being attuned to your senses. What adding mindfulness does to the equation is that it can make sex all the more pleasurable. “The benefits of sexual meditation include enhanced arousal, desire, orgasm, and overall sexual well-being,” Howard describes.

Techniques for Sexual Meditation

Alright, let’s get down to business. How exactly can you integrate sexual meditation practices into your sex life?

First, it’s important to note that many people have complicated relationships with their bodies, which may be related to pain, past traumas, disability or body image concerns. For that reason, when practicing sexual meditation, it is important to move at a pace that feels comfortable to you. Second, sexual meditation and mindful body awareness is something you can do solo, or with a partner. It’s really up to you, and the techniques described below work in both instances. However you are doing it, Cress recommends starting by setting the mood. “To practice sexual meditation, one can begin by setting a calm, intentional environment free from distractions,” she advises.

Howard shared her top tips for getting started with your sexual meditation practice:

Breathe

Howard suggests breathing slowly with your eyes closed, in through your mouth and out through your nose. “Place one hand on your belly and the other on your genital area, and as you breathe in and out, think of what would feel good, no judgment,” she explains. “It’s okay if you get a genital response, and it’s OK if you don’t.” You’re just here to feel and explore.

If you are with a partner, you can breathe together this way. “Then, you and your partner can place a hand on each other’s genitals while breathing together,” Howard suggests. Again, keep it a no judgment zone, just letting each other feel whatever you feel.

Take it Slow

Mediative sex is usually by its nature, very slow—slow and intentional. This can be great for many people, but also has challenges. “This slow sensory experience can bring up different emotions and feelings,” Howard shares. “Some people laugh, some cry, some have the best orgasm they’ve ever had. Remember, this isn’t a time to judge yourself. This is a time to allow yourself to feel.”

Feel the Feels

Mindful sex is all about letting yourself lean into whatever sensation you are feeling, and just really feel them. Howard suggests paying attention to textures, temperature, and pressure.

Ask yourself questions like, “What does it feel like when you breathe in and out?” or “How does your or your partner’s genital area feel under or in your hand?”

Howard suggests slowly rubbing your hands over different body parts, placing your attention on skin texture and temperature. If you are with a partner, you can “use your mouth to tell your partner where to touch you,” Howard says. “Or use your hand to guide your partner to where you’d like them to touch you.”

Practice Delaying Orgasm

Howard recommends sinking into each moment during sex, feeling each sensation deliberately. “During partnered sex, go slow and continue to focus on sensations,” Howard says. “Pay attention to sounds, smells, and tastes to keep you grounded in the moment.”

Often, this slowness means not rushing to “get off” or orgasm. “Practice edging or delaying orgasm at least three times and focus on the sensations only,” she suggests. Sometimes you may not end up orgasming at all, but often you will, and you may find that these orgasms are super intense and pleasurable.

Benefits of Integrating Meditation and Sexuality

Sexual mediation has numerous benefits—just take it from Dr. Tierney, a huge proponent of sexual meditation, both personally, and for his clients. For him, sexual meditation is about taking sex slowly, so that you can focus on each sensory moment.

“The simple story for me is that when I finally learned how to engage in slow sex, to truly divest from chasing orgasms, it felt like I lost my virginity again (seriously),” he shares.

Dr. Tierney also shared some client stories, which illustrate some of the benefits of integrating mediation and sexuality:

  • “One couple felt like they were starting their marriage over again after 26 years of being together.”
  • “Another couple laughed so hard while they were practicing slow sex that they had to take a pause, not because they were reaching 8.88 on the orgasm scale, but because their ribs started cramping up.”
  • “Another couple realized that they had been avoiding looking at each other during sex for decades and decided to make more eye contact: it completely transformed their love live and radically diminished their highly-entrenched conflicts which were basically a result of them not seeing eye-to-eye.”

The research on the benefits of meditative sex mostly focuses on women, with several studies finding that women who meditate experience increase sexual function.5 The experts we spoke to say that sexual meditation isn’t just beneficial for women, and it doesn’t just make you have better sex or orgasms.

According to Cress, the benefits of sexual meditation include:

  • Enhanced emotional intimacy
  • Improved sexual satisfaction
  • Reduced performance anxiety
  • Better communication between partners
  • Helping people overcome sexual blocks or inhibition by promoting self-awareness and relaxation
  • More meaningful and pleasurable sexual experiences

Addressing Common Questions and Concerns

While sexual meditation may sound awesome on paper, but that doesn’t mean people won’t experience doubts or concerns.

One concern people have is that sex should not be a discipline—because the idea of discipline runs counter to the idea of sex and letting go, says Dr. Tierney. But this is a misconception, according to Dr. Tierney, and the benefits of the practice outweigh any doubts about intentionality or scheduling.

“This is a hang-up that should be left behind if you want to meet your pleasure and bliss potential together,” he says. If your goal is mind-blowing, sensual sex, you should know that it often takes practice and discipline, Dr. Tierney says.

Another question people have about sexual meditation is: “Am I doing it right?” Howard says that any suggestions about sexual meditations are just that—suggestions. You get to decide what feels right for your body, and what meditative sex means to you. “Explore to find out what works best for you,” Howard recommends.

Finally, people often feel concern that sexual meditation will take out the mystery behind sex or make it less spontaneous or romantic. But Cress says you don’t need to worry about that. “With guidance and practice, individuals often find that sexual meditation enhances rather than detracts from the natural flow of intimacy, helping them to become more present and connected,” she assures.

Conclusion

If you are looking to have more sensational sex—sex where all of your senses are awakened and on fire—sexual meditation might be just what you need. Sexual meditation is just what it sounds like: it means practicing mindfulness, intentionality, and bodily/emotional awareness during sexual acts.2 It’s not for everyone, but people who practice it often experience increased pleasure, deeper connection, and more meaningful sex.

Please contact a licensed mental health professional or a sex educator if you would like more information about sexual meditation or if you have general questions about sex and sexuality.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Kypris and Steven Jay, Part 2 — Podcast #53 — 03/03/08

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hey sex fans,
about_us_pic1.jpg

For this week’s podcast we continue with our new interview format. I am pleased to bring you Part 2 of my interview with two masters in the practice of Tantric Sex, Kypris and Steven Jay. They are the founders of YabYummy.com, an online resource for people seeking a tantric path to sexual wholeness.

They share their thoughts about:

  • Sexuality vs. Sensuality
  • Sexual Inhibitions
  • Charkas
  • How to begin a tantric practice

BE THERE, OR BE SQUARE!

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s How To Video Library.

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