This week, Natasha Trethewey, poet and memoirist, visited Trinity University to read and discuss her work. Her pieces encompass many topics, but she focuses on two things in particular: her experience growing up in Mississippi during the Jim Crow era and the death of her mother. The latter topic got to me: Her mother died at the hands of her boyfriend after a relationship of abuse. It’s not the first time I had heard somebody discuss intimate partner violence (IPV), but it was the first time I had seen it through poetry — through the lens of a mother-daughter relationship. These are things I tend to ruminate on. I considered how universities include IPV in conversations about love and sex.
Clearly, IPV is a prevalent issue across all universities in America. I’m not saying that sexual assault, misconduct and rape should not be addressed on college campuses. They absolutely should be, but IPV on college campuses should be talked about just as much. We have to consider ourselves — the Trinity community — in regard to it. We aren’t an exception to the problem.
Cayley Mandadi, a sophomore Trinity student, died on Oct. 31, 2017, after her boyfriend physically assaulted her. Mandadi was a cheerleader and a member of Chi Beta Epsilon at Trinity, and the Trinity community “was packed” in Parker Chapel for her memorial service on Nov. 5, 2017. She was loved.
In September, her boyfriend had destroyed her dorm room, including breaking her laptop and throwing her clothes into trees, and Mandadi’s mother asserts that Trinity failed to respond to reports of stalking, abuse, intimidation and domestic violence. Mandadi was even held responsible for the damage to her dorm, as students are usually responsible for any damage their off-campus guest causes. I’m not placing the blame on anyone but the boyfriend. It’s hard to identify and help someone experiencing IPV, and it’s even harder to help someone when the rules don’t consider IPV. That’s why we need to start talking about it.
There are flyers all over campus about preventing sexual assault. They’re on cork boards and in bathroom stalls. We all have to take the course on Title IX regulations and helping to prevent Title IX-related situations once we begin classes. As a person in a Greek life organization, you have to attend additional training on alcohol and sexual safety at Greek events. There is so much more to be done, but we’re talking about it.
The same must be applied to IPV on college campuses. There are resources for people in violent or abusive relationships, and if you need them — for you or anyone else — use them. However, outside of offering counseling, there aren’t enough at Trinity. We must be quickly and reliably able to identify and acknowledge the signs of IPV, and to do this, we need to talk about it. We have to start having conversations about it — start providing resources on campus to IPV survivors the same way we intend to provide them to sexual assault survivors.
In the long-run, hopefully that will look like flyers pertaining to sexual assault as well as IPV and training that encompasses what a healthy relationship should look like and what the warning signs of IPV are — for both the person within and outside of the relationship. For now, though, talk about it, participate in Purple Week from Oct. 21 to 25, voice your support for implementing more resources.
Advocate for it. Talk about the subject with your friends, your professors, your family. See how you can incorporate that support in clubs you’re in. If you’re suspicious of IPV happening in a relationship you know, bring it up. If you’re experiencing any abuse or violence in your relationship, tell someone. I know it’s hard. It takes bravery, but I know Trinity. Bravery could save someone’s life.
A small number of Canadian doctors specializing in women’s sexual health are trying to address what they say is a near-total lack of support for those suffering from common problems such as low libido, difficulty achieving orgasm and pain during intercourse.
“In terms of the juxtaposition with men’s sexual functioning, we are behind and it’s really frustrating,” said Dr. Stephanie Finn of Oakville, Ont.
Finn is one of five Canadian doctors trained by the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH), based in Burnsville, Minn.
While help for male sexual dysfunction has been widely available since erectile dysfunction drug Viagra burst onto the scene — approved for use in Canada in 1999 — women’s sexual health has remained largely shrouded in secrecy.
“When’s the last time your doctor has asked you about your clitoris? Like never, and that’s fascinating, right? We ask men all the time about their penises and their function, sexual functioning and such,” she told White Coat, Black Art.
I think that there is generally a lack everywhere of interest in women’s sexual functioning, and I’m happy to say that I think that’s beginning to change.”
Dr. Stephanie Finn is a family doctor focusing on women’s sexual medicine.
Originally a family doctor, Finn found that so many of her female patients needed help with sexual issues that she decided to focus on sexual medicine, opening her clinic about a year ago.
Part of that work is simply teaching women about their bodies, she says.
“It is really common for women to have almost no understanding of their own anatomy,” Finn said.
“I’ve had women who really haven’t a good idea about where their clitoris is. I’ve had people say, ‘Oh, I’ve always wondered,’ and sometimes I’m slightly surprised by that response in women who are in their 50s.”
Finn offers her patients the option of holding a mirror while she gives them a guided tour of their genitalia. Or she’ll use a 3D model to show patients things such as how the clitoris is actually a wishbone-shaped organ, with only the clitoral bulb visible externally.
Some of that knowledge gap and reluctance among women to seek help for sexual-health issues is tied to cultural shame, says Dr. Stephanie Hart from Okotoks, Alta., another ISSWSH-trained family doctor.
In North America, vaginas are dirty. Like, I actually had somebody say that to me yesterday,” said Hart, who opened her specialized clinic in 2019.
For some women, that’s simply because they are grossed out by bodily fluids, including those that come out of the vagina, she says.
A chair used for gynecological exams in Finn’s clinic. Many women are uncomfortable with speaking openly about sexual health.
But for others, it’s a morality issue: “You know, ‘sex is shameful.’ That’s a very common attitude that I see people [have]. And kind of unsurprising that people would then have sexual dysfunction when they feel that way about it.”
Despite people’s difficulty talking about their sex lives, these clinics are busy. Hart says she sees 250 new patients every year in her practice, 75 to 80 per cent of them being women, but is referred around 400.
“So every six months, I’m another three months behind.”
Finn said she sees about 15 new patients every week at her Oakville clinic.
Finn often shows her patients a model of a vulva to help familiarize them with their own anatomy.
Most Canadian women do not have access to a doctor who specializes in sexual health. Existing clinics where women have traditionally sought care for sexual health are focused on contraception and infection, says Hart.
These kinds of clinics refer patients to her when they bring up difficulties like pain during sex or low libido, Hart says, as do specialists such as gynecologists.
Help for low libido
Carolina Jara, 57, says she used to be a very sexual person, but since menopause, her libido has tanked.
“My libido went somewhere. I don’t know, maybe back home,” joked Jara, who is originally from Peru but lives in Vancouver.
She says she’s worried about how that can impact her relationship with her husband of eight years. And that part is not a laughing matter.
Carolina Jara, 57, says she used to be a very sexual person — but now, she is suffering from low libido.
“He still wants it, but I don’t get ignited, I don’t get an orgasm for many years. So it feels more like a duty, more than something that I enjoy.”
There are two medications approved for use in Canada that can be used to increase sexual desire in women: a pill called flibanserin, and a self-injectable called bremelanotide.
Unlike Viagra, which is used on an as-needed basis and acts by increasing blood flow to the penis, both of these drugs impact the brain chemicals that influence mood and sexual appetite. Flibanserin must be taken daily and has been shown to have serious potential side effects.
Flibanserin, pictured above, is one of two medications approved in Canada that can be used to increase sexual desire in women.
Critics have argued that libido problems are more a matter of mismatch between the sexual appetites of partners that would be better addressed with relationship counselling.
A non-medical tool for addressing low libido or difficulty achieving orgasm is a class of sex toys sometimes referred to as clitoral suction devices.
“We have wonderful studies actually now showing improved clitoral blood flow and pelvic floor blood flow using these devices,” Finn said. “We know they can make a huge difference for women when they are attempting to achieve orgasm.”
Pain during sex
But sexual-health issues are by no means the exclusive domain of older women, says Finn, whose patients range in age from teenagers to octogenarians.
Talia Steele, 34, suffered for years from pain during sex, stemming from a series of problems that started with a common urinary tract infection.
Talia Steele says she had some early negative experiences with male doctors and felt her problems weren’t treated with sensitivity.
Eventually she got surgery to address the issues. But all the poking and prodding, and her history of painful sex, has had lasting effects.
“There’s always that bit of anxiety, never being able to be fully in the moment, always in your head about what’s going on,” said Steele, who is married and also lives in Vancouver.
“Even though I don’t have that pain, those feelings and thoughts still enter my brain at times, and it can be challenging to try new things or come out of my comfort zone.”
Greater Victoria’s Sex Lady discusses sexual health and how teaching it has evolved
One of the challenges with getting care for women’s sexual-health issues is that there’s no established medical specialty for them.
“You take these women with pain [during] sex, for example, and you send them to the gynecologist who would say, ‘Well, it’s not endometriosis,’” Hart said. That might be the end of the road if the doctor doesn’t know about other options that might help.
Hart says she’s on a mission to teach other doctors how to help, starting with asking patients the right questions.
“Like, actually ask if somebody has pain with sex and then know what to do about it if the person says yes. Because patients won’t always volunteer the information if they don’t know that there’s something that can be done.”
If you’ve ever searched for information about sexual dysfunction and diet, you may have come across lists of foods that cause premature ejaculation. These lists often contain the usual culprits, from foods high in sugar and simple carbohydrates to fatty foods, artificial ingredients and others.
While your diet can impact your sexual health, there isn’t currently any scientific evidence that specific foods directly contribute to premature ejaculation.
Below, we’ve also explained why you shouldn’t feel any need to avoid specific foods if you’re prone to premature ejaculation and covered your options for treating PE and enjoying a more fulfilling,satisfying sex life.
Premature ejaculation, or PE, is a common form of sexual dysfunction that’s estimated to affectbetween 20 and 30 percent of men of all ages and backgrounds.
Experts aren’t yet aware of the precise causes of premature ejaculation, but they believe a variety of biological and psychological factors may play a role.
Biological factors that could be involved in PE include abnormal levels of specific hormones and neurotransmitters, such as serotonin, prolactin, luteinizing hormone (LH) and thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH). Inflammation that affects the prostate and/or urethra may also play a role.
From a psychological perspective, issues such as anxiety, depression, stress, poor body image, worries about sexual performance, feelings of guilt, relationship problems or a history of sexual abuse or repression may all play a role in the development of PE.
Experts believe that these two common issues might be linked through your behavior. For example, men with erectile dysfunction due to hormonal issues might feel extraperformance anxiety during sex, causing them to rush to avoid losing their erections.
In short, identifying the cause of PE is, well, a little complicated. Currently, there’s no clear, single “cause of PE” that most guys can point to as the culprit.
Want to learn more about PE? Our complete guide to premature ejaculation explains everything you need to know about this common sexual performance issue, from causes and symptoms to the latest research on PE treatments.
Currently, no research suggests that specific types of food play any direct role in the development of premature ejaculation, but there’s a caveat to this statement.
Food itself isn’t on the list of potential PE causes, but your diet may impact hormone levels, hinder sperm count, make your mental health worse or — if it’s affecting your weight — make you self-conscious during every sexual experience.
So, while PE is about more than diet, you might want to consider cutting down on consuming high volumes of certain food items.
The idea that eating junk food, starchy foods or foods with certain “bad” ingredients causes premature ejaculation doesn’t appear to be backed up by any science.
With this said, there is a direct link between diet and some aspects of your health that can affect your performance in bed.
It should come as no surprise that the healthier you are in general, the better certain aspects of your sexual capacity will be.
This is because sexual function and performance, at least in men, are closely linked to hormonal and cardiovascular health.
As a man, sex hormones like testosterone play a key role in regulating yoursex drive. Healthy levels of testosterone areassociated with a high level of interest in sex, while low testosterone levels are linked to decreases in your libido.
Likewise, your cardiovascular system plays a vital role in blood circulation, which is essential for maintaining erections. ManyED drugs — such asPDE5 inhibitors — work byincreasing blood flow to your penis, resulting in stronger, easier-to-get erections.
So, how does your diet fit into this? Although the specific foods you eat aren’t likely to cause or worsen premature ejaculation directly, your diet does affect certain aspects of your health that are related to sexual function and performance.
For example, heart disease is aknown risk factor for erectile dysfunction. Eating a balanced, healthy diet canreduce your risk of developing cardiovascular disease, which may lower your ED risk and improve your sexual health by enhancing blood flow throughout your body.
Otherresearch also suggests that high consumption of junk food and low consumption of food rich in nutrients are associated with low testosterone levels in men.
In other words, unhealthy eating habits don’t directly cause sexual performance issues like PE and ED, but they may contribute to them indirectly by affecting your general health and well-being.
In the limited sense that PE can result from your diet, some foods may benefit your sexual experience. While they won’t directly affect or “cure” premature ejaculation, they can improve issues that might be contributing to PE.
The best foods to help you perform better and potentially manage premature ejaculation are:
Dark chocolate isn’t just healthier because it contains fewer sweeteners — it’s also agreat source of magnesium, zinc and other essential nutrients. Although research is limited,one small study suggests that low magnesium levels may be involved in premature ejaculation. Other magnesium-rich foodsinclude pumpkin seeds, almonds, spinach, black beans, potato, rice and edamame.
2. Blueberries
Blueberries contain many essential vitamins, minerals and antioxidants. They also contain flavonoids, and foods rich in flavonoids are associated with lower rates of sexual dysfunction and better sexual performance.
3. Avocados
Avocados promote better cardiovascular health and blood flow thanks to their vitamin E and healthy fat content.
Avocado consumption is also associated with better metabolic function, meaning consuming avocados can make you less likely to develop obesity — a significant factor in erectile dysfunction.
4. Fatty Fish
Fatty fish — like tuna, salmon and mackerel — are incredibly high in omega-3 fatty acids, which are beneficial for heart health and help manage blood pressure and prevent cardiovascular disease. They also contain zinc, which encourages healthier blood flow in your blood vessels, including the ones in your genitals that help you get an erection.
5. Bananas
Bananas are potassium-rich fruits that benefit the heart, nerves and muscles. Cardiovascular health and muscle and nerve function are essential to sexual function and stamina.
Oh, and there’s a link between high blood pressure and potassium deficiency, so bananas may also help keep hypertension in check.
6. Honey
If you’re looking for a sweetener for your foods that can also naturally protect your sexual function, look no further than honey. Honey’s natural sugars for energy may improve mental well-being. It may also play a protective role in cardiovascular and sexual health, according to some research.
7. Watermelon
Watermelon is rich in citrulline — an amino acid your body turns into arginine, which helps relax the blood vessels to improve blood flow.
Watermelon also contains lycopene — an amino acid that may fight cancer and help people manage their weight — so it might help prevent high blood pressure and other medical conditions related to sexual dysfunction.
8. Pomegranate
Pomegranate is loaded with beneficial antioxidants that can improve the health of your blood vessels, among other health benefits. While more research is needed, one study from 2007 looked at 53 men and found reason to believe that pomegranate may also increase libido and erectile function.
9. Beets
Beets contain nitrates, which can lower your blood pressure. That makes them healthy for people with hypertension, but also a sort of natural Viagra.
10. Garlic
Garlic is great for sexual intercourse because it contains compounds like allicin, which improves blood vessel dilation and increases nitric oxide production.
11. Oysters
You’ve likely heard of the oyster’s aphrodisiac reputation — did you suspect it was true? Oysters are rich in zinc, which is important for the production of the testosterone required for most of your sexual function and desire. Just know that zinc deficiency is very uncommon, so you may not need the supplementation.
12. Nuts
While a handful of trail mix only helps your stamina while hiking, the omega-3 fatty acids and zinc in nuts and seeds contribute to cardiovascular health. They support sexual performance by helping maintain blood flow through the blood vessels of your penis and elsewhere.
Your diet doesn’t have to be the only treatment you use for PE, and home remedies are not the limits of treatment options for premature ejaculation.
Most of the time, you can treat premature ejaculation using a mix of over-the-counter treatments, lifestyle changes, behavioral therapies and, if necessary, prescription PE medication.
Here are some tips on putting all of these treatments into practice.
Eat a Balanced Diet
While making changes to your diet is unlikely to suddenly resolve your premature ejaculation, a good daily diet can have a positive impact on your overall health, sexual function and quality of life.
Try to eat a balanced diet that contains lots of nutrient-rich foods. Our lists of good foods for ED prevention and increasing testosterone levels discuss specific ingredients that you may want to prioritize for your general sexual health.
Use Behavioral Techniques to Delay Ejaculation
Sometimes, making minor changes to the way you have sex can help you delay orgasm and avoid ejaculating too early. Two popular techniques for treating PE are the stop-start technique, which involves temporarily stopping the sexual activity as you feel orgasm approaching, and the squeeze technique, which involves squeezing near the tip of your penis to delay orgasm.
Kegel exercises (exercises that work the pelvic floor muscles) have also been shown to improve sexual function and penile stamina and reduce the symptoms of sexual problems.
Try Topical PE Treatments
Premature ejaculation can often be treated with topical creams and sprays, such as our Delay Spray for Men and Clockstopper Climax Delay Wipes.
Topical treatments for PE work by reducing sensitivity without numbing your penis too much. This helps make the physical sensation of sex less overwhelming, allowing you to last longer after penetration.
Our guide to lidocaine spray for premature ejaculation goes into more detail about how topical sprays work, their effectiveness, potential side effects and more.
Consider Prescription Medication
Although there aren’t any FDA-approved medications specifically for premature ejaculation, some antidepressants are commonly prescribed off-label as premature ejaculation pills.
For example, the antidepressants sertraline and paroxetine are both commonly used off-label to delay orgasm and treat premature ejaculation.
These medications work by increasing the amount of serotonin in your body. Research suggests that serotonin inhibits ejaculation, meaning it slows down the process of reaching orgasm during sex.
Our guide to using sertraline for premature ejaculation explains more about how SSRIs can help to slow down ejaculation and increase your sexual stamina.
Contrary to popular belief, there’s no convincing scientific evidence that shows that certain types of food speed up orgasm and contribute to premature ejaculation.
However, an unhealthy diet and lifestyle can affect your overall health, which may increase your risk of some sexual disorders. If you’re among the many men affected by PE, try to eat a healthy diet and maintain a balanced, active general lifestyle.
Our range of premature ejaculation treatments includes proven options for dealing with PE more directly, such as wipes, sprays and prescription medications available online after a consultation with a licensed healthcare professional.
A quick geography lesson: whether you live in a loud and proud liberal city or a small, conservative town, queer people are everywhere. And, hi, even though we still have a long way to go in regards to equality, we are making some progress in terms of queer visibility and acceptance. That said, just because society has broadened its language and begun to embrace the spectrum of sexuality, you might still be wondering what queer actually means.
According to Elise Schuster, co-founder and executive director of OkaySo, the simplest way to define ‘queer’ is ‘not straight’. For Schuster, it’s an identity and/or orientation that doesn’t align with the heteronormative expectation that everyone’s automatically heterosexual and heteroromantic. “Queerness is about being outside of the normative,” adds psychologist, author, and speaker Liz Powell. “Queerness is about swimming upstream. It’s about your presence in a culture that is heteronormative, that is cisnormative, that is mononormative.”
Even though more identity-related words are being added to our dictionary, many folks still opt for the reclaimed term ‘queer’. Considering how many people the term describes — as individuals, a community, and even a form of political resistance — queer is a crucial word to understand and celebrate. Whether you identify as queer, want to know if it’s a label you can or should be using, or you’re trying to become a better ally, this exploration will offer everything you need to know about the definition of and history behind the term. Let’s dive in, shall we?
Which orientations fall under the queer umbrella?
Since ‘queer’ is such a broad term, it’s a little confusing to determine who, exactly, it applies to. According to Schuster, “any [orientation or identity] that’s not straight” is considered queer. “Beyond that, it’s really about if the person with that identity wants to see themselves as being part of a larger queer umbrella,” they explain.
To many, queerness encompasses an intersection of identities. Certified sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco adds that the term indicates an “individual who self-identifies as either lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer (also sometimes called ‘questioning’), intersex and/or asexual, AKA the LGBTQIA+ community.”
To keep it supes simple, if someone describes themselves as queer, it’s quite often because their sexual orientation and/or gender falls under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella rather than the heterosexual norm. That said, there are so many ways to identify as queer, so if you feel like you’re queer and want to own it, go forth with pride.
Does gender fall under the queer umbrella?
It’s important to remember that sexual orientation and gender are two different things. While orientation is about who you’re attracted to romantically or sexually (bisexual, lesbian, gay, etc.), gender identity is about who you are, whether that’s non-binary, a man, woman, or genderqueer. However, queer can describe orientation, gender, or both at the same time.
“This term has a triple meaning,” says NYU professor of sexuality, scientist, and writer Zhana Vrangalova. “It is meant to designate non-heterosexual sexual orientation, a non-binarygender identity, and then the third meaning is both, at the same time.”
So while gender and orientation are different, they both fall under the queer umbrella.
So… which orientations aren’t queer?
The definition of queer varies depending on who you ask, so it’s a little tricky to determine who isn’t queer. Since sexuality is a spectrum, it sometimes makes using the term polarising for bisexual and heteroflexible individuals (even though they totally count). Generally, someone who is heterosexual, heteroromantic, cisgender, and monogamous wouldn’t be considered queer — but there’s an exception
Pasciucco, for example, utilises the ‘+’ sign when referring to the queer community in order to indicate pangender or pansexual individuals and those in alternative relationship communities, such as polyamory, kink, or non-monogamy. “As a person who is mostly in other-sex relationships, not all individuals who identify as queer believe that people like me, or people in the plus [of LGBTQIA+], ought to be included in the community,” Pasciucco explains.
There has been some controversy regarding whether it’s PC for straight polyamorous people to call themselves queer. While many in these communities argue that they certainly live outside of the #tradlife norm and should therefore get to call themselves queer, critics argue that for a straight poly person to use the word unfairly piggybacks on decades of LGBTQIA+ activism to gain fundamental rights and celebrate their identities.
And the truth is, some people within polyamorous or kink communities do identify as queer even if they enjoy solely heterosexual relationships. “Just because it’s one penis and one vagina, that doesn’t mean there’s not some queer aspect of you,” queer sex therapist Kelly Wise explains.
For some, the broadness of the term ‘queer’ can be challenging, as it doesn’t offer the same precise picture that other identities, such as lesbian, paint. “I like that broad definition and the vagueness of it and the inclusivity of it,” Vrangalova says. “I personally love it as an umbrella for all of the diversity.”
That’s why it’s always best to use the labels someone chooses for themselves, even if they’re not the label you yourself would’ve used in their situation. When in doubt, just ask how someone identifies, and don’t forget to ask their pronouns while you’re at it.
Is the word ‘queer’ an insult?
The celebration and use of the word ‘queer’ is one of reclamation, since not too long ago, it was used as a slur. “Back in the day, definitely when I was growing up, the word ‘queer’ was a derogatory term,” Wise says.
Schuster adds that it was used to say someone was ‘wrong’ if they were gay or different.
It wasn’t until the late 80s that the LGBTQIA+ community adopted the term as a form of pride. “I like to think that my queer identity is me saying, ‘You thought you were insulting me, but this is actually something I love about myself’,” Schuster says.
“My queerness is about ways that I am challenging the structures of our society”
That’s partly why, for many folx, queer is also a political identity. “My queerness is about ways that I am challenging the structures of our society,” Powell explains. “And so for me, that is really where queerness lives, in the ways that you are aligning and going with structures in society or fighting it,” they say.
An important note: while the word queer is generally celebrated, some LGBTQIA+ folks still prefer to avoid it due to its discriminatory history. Schuster notes that the term hasn’t completely lost its negative potential.
“It’s safest for folks who are in the LGBTQIA+ community to use the word, especially when referring to an individual,” they explain. If you’re referring to the queer community (but you’re not a part of it), Schuster suggests just using ‘LGBTQIA+’ to avoid coming off unintentionally derogatory. And if you’re ever unsure what label someone uses or the term they prefer, politely ask them! “Like any term, it is entirely up to an individual how they want to identify and use this language,” Schuster says.
Is queer a sexual identity, a gender identity, or a community?
Queerness is more nuanced than a sexual identity or gender identity, says Pasciucco, who adds that it’s a fluid movement “beyond the binary of cisgender and heteronormativity”. As Nicole Scrivano, one of Pasciucco’s colleagues, explained in a blog post:
“As queer women, we come in a variety of forms, identities, and belief systems. Some of these identities are within sexual identities of bisexual, lesbian, gay, pansexual, etc. Some of these identities are within gender: transgender, cisgender, non-binary, femme, gender flexible, etc. Relational identities such as monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, open, etc. Queer women are on a spectrum of gender and sexual fluidity.”
Some folks who fall anywhere in the middle of the sexual orientation spectrum will describe themselves as queer, rather than bisexual or pansexual. Others will use both and introduce themselves as ‘bisexual and queer’, for instance. And, as noted, the term ‘queer’ is also used by those whose gender does not fall on the binary.
Other LGBTQIA+ folks may identify as queer for the simple reason that it’s easier to say one word when describing themselves.
So, not only is ‘queer’ used to describe sexual, romantic, and gender identities, but as previously mentioned, it can also be used to describe the LGBTQIA+ community. Wise says that in using ‘queer’ as a community term, it creates a sense of acceptance. “There’s an aspect to it that doesn’t allow for isolation.”
Ultimately, the definition of queer might be different depending on who you ask, but all the experts agree it’s a powerful word that celebrates accepting yourself and others for exactly who they are.
How do I know if I’m queer?
Considering that ‘queer’ can refer to sexual orientation, gender identity, community, politics, and, perhaps controversially, even relationship formats, it may seem like the word is up for grabs for everyone. Generally speaking, if you’re straight, cis, and monogamous, it’s probably best to leave the term for those whose identity falls outside such norms.
However, if your identity isn’t straight, cis, and monogamous, and the word queer just feels right, go ahead and use it to describe yourself and meet other queer folks. Not only will you foster a community and build a chosen family that can make the troubles and trauma that come with being queer easier, but you can continue to take back the narrative from centuries of oppression. So, cheers, allies and queers, and continue to wave your pride flag as flamboyantly as you want.
How do I find queer community?
Finding your queer community might seem daunting, but there are many avenues to explore. Start by engaging with online platforms and social media groups, using search terms like #Queer and #QueerCommunity on Instagram and TikTok.
Local LGBTQIA+ organisations and community centres also provide a plethora of resources, from support groups to social events. Attending local events, such as Pride parades, workshops, or LGBTQIA+ art exhibitions, can also be a fantastic way to meet people and foster connections within the community. Virtual communities can be a lifeline for those in smaller towns or more conservative areas, offering support and a sense of belonging without geographical constraints.
Lastly, consider reaching out to local queer bars, cafes, bookstores, and volunteer organisations. These places often serve as informal community hubs and can provide a relaxed environment to meet new people and exchange ideas. Remember, every interaction doesn’t need to lead to a deep connection, and it’s essential to respect that not every queer person will openly claim their community. Even today, it’s not safe for every LGBTQIA+ person to be out, and part of being both a good ally and/or member of the queer community is letting others decide how and when they come out. If you are in a position to do so, use your privilege to help fight queerphobia to the best of your abilities.
By understanding the diverse and dynamic nature of queerness, you can more confidently explore and engage with communities that affirm and celebrate your identity. Embrace the journey, knowing that each step you take is a move towards finding a space where you can truly be yourself.
— The risk-reduction framework that guides most U.S. sex ed focuses almost exclusively on avoiding unintended pregnancy and STDs—overlooking other critical topics such as healthy relationships, consent and pleasure.
In her essay collection Pleasure Activism, activist adrienne maree brown writes, “Pleasure activism asserts that we all need and deserve pleasure and that our social structures must reflect this. … Pleasure activism acts from an analysis that pleasure is a natural, safe and liberated part of life—and that we can offer each other tools and education to make sure sex, desire, connection, and other pleasures aren’t life-threatening or harming, but life-enriching.”
With a new school year in full swing and elections around the corner, it’s only normal that we’re feeling anxious about what could happen this fall. This is especially true for young people, whose sexual and reproductive freedom hangs in the balance as we face abortion bans, attacks on trans care, birth control and more. But what’s a better antidote for anxiety, than empowering youth with pleasure-centric tools and resources that allow them to reclaim control of their bodily autonomy?
Pleasure-inclusive sex education increases sexual self-esteem, sexual self-confidence and safe choices.
As the coordinator of a Youth Health Promoters program at Planned Parenthood of Greater New York, I meet throughout the year with a cohort of highly trained, high school-aged peer educators who facilitate evidence-based sexuality trainings to community partners and organizations. I encourage them to be agents of sex education amongst their peers in a way that feels accessible, shame-free and moves away from a ‘good versus bad’ binary thinking. In this role, I have real-time knowledge of the kind of methods that resonate with youth the most.
Talking about sex in a judgment-free and positive environment that makes participants feel empowered rather than ashamed or guilty, is far more effective than talking about infections or the risk of an unwanted pregnancy. When youth are immersed in a hyper-sexualized digital world and have unlimited access to information at their fingertips, the power of peer-to-peer training—paired with evidence-based knowledge and studies—could help them filter through all of it and build better discernment for a healthier sex life.
Despite being considered a leading state for sexual and reproductive health access, New York lags tremendously when it comes to comprehensive sex education.
According to a 2022 ACLU report, about 50 percent of high school students in New York reported engaging in sexual intercourse, and of these, only 11 percent reported using a prevention method to protect against unplanned pregnancy and STIs.
Teenagers ages 15 to 19 represent more than 50 percent of new STI cases in New York state, and 10 percent of New York teenagers report experiencing physical dating violence.
Comprehensive sex ed is not a requirement in most public school curriculums, and the few that do have them are often outdated, inaccurate and stigmatizing.
This lack of nuance and initiative is largely due to an approach that emphasizes abstinence and decenters pleasure.
According to a 2022 systemic review done by The Pleasure Project and The World Health Organization, pleasure-inclusive and -centric sex education increases sexual self-esteem, sexual self-confidence and safe choices. The review found that sexual health programs that include sexual desire: (1.) improve knowledge and attitudes around sex and (2.) increase condom use, which has direct implications for reductions in HIV and STIs. Developing sexual confidence can also prevent dating and sexual violence.
Pleasure-centric sex ed also helps create a more inclusive classroom environment for students who already face a myriad of biases when it comes to their sexuality and gender: LGBTQ+ students, BIPOC students, or students with learning or developmental disabilities. And if a systemic review isn’t enough, according to new nationwide polling commissioned by Planned Parenthood Federation of America, over 9 in 10 adults think it’s important for young people to have access to age-appropriate sex education that covers a wide range of topics.
When our sex education curriculums are already so precarious, we must think about effective approaches to comprehensive sex ed—which has proven more effective than abstinence programs and risk-focused messaging—and how we can ensure those approaches are prioritized in our classrooms.
While other aspects of comprehensive sex education are just as important—such as teaching youth about sexually transmitted infections, testing and treatment, or the different options for birth control—having a pleasure-centric approach empowers young people to make informed decisions and exhibit autonomy in how they engage with pleasure and sex, if at all.
What Does Pleasure-Centric Sex Ed Look Like?
Prioritizing pleasure-centric approaches in our classrooms could look like creating a curriculum that talks about masturbation as a healthy and safe way to explore sexuality. Contrary to a regressive belief that sex ed encourages young people to have sex, using the classroom to debunk all the myths associated with masturbation, does just the opposite: It allows young people to explore pleasure and preferences in their own bodies, without having to resort to a partner or a source outside of themselves.
By asking students to reflect on what’s important for them in relationships and encouraging effective communication around play, orgasms, preferences, consent or connection, we create an environment where any question is valid, where body parts and accurate terms are openly discussed, and where young people can resort to each other for fact-based information. When comprehensive sex education is pleasure-centric, it emphasizes that sexual activity should be pleasure-focused.
This year alone, at least 135 bills related to sex education have been introduced or implemented across the U.S., a majority of which would place more extreme restrictions on sex education in public schools and further digress our relationship with pleasure. At a time when sex education is increasingly under attack, not talking about sex gives the power away to anti-progress agents who are committed to tearing apart our reproductive rights and controlling our bodies.
By centering peer-to-peer conversations on what makes us feel good—physically, mentally and emotionally—we establish a culture where joy, freedom and autonomy are prioritized and healthier schools, communities and relationships are created.
In the words of adrienne maree brown: “We are in a time of fertile ground for learning how we align our pleasures with our values … and getting into a practice of saying an orgasmic yes together.”
We must make sure all of us—not only our youth—have the correct skills to navigate the ebbs and flows of our sexual and reproductive futures. But what better place to start, than in our classrooms?
Already-chewed gum, tape that has lost its stickiness and an unwrapped lollipop are not just random remnants of an office dustbin but a collection of metaphors. These metaphors compare women who have been sexually active before marriage to objects that have lost their purpose—essentially, trash. This striking comparison highlights the harsh reality of gender norms surrounding sexual activity. Such metaphors have often been used to discourage women from engaging in premarital sex to preserve their virginity.
Of course, not all figures of speech take such a reductive view of women’s bodies. In the opening scene of the acclaimed TV show Jane the Virgin, a young Jane holds a white rose. Her grandmother instructs her to crumple the flower and then try to restore it, using the wrinkled petals as a warning that she can “never go back” once her virginity is lost. Although roses generally symbolize beauty and femininity, this ritual still reduces women to mere objects and frames sex as inherently destructive.
This notion is one that many women carry into adulthood. Virginity is often seen as a valuable asset, while sex is perceived as something that diminishes that value. This belief can prevent women from exploring their sexuality and can limit access to comprehensive sexual education. Topics such as consent, STDs and contraception are less likely to be discussed when sex is regarded as inherently taboo. When a woman’s sexual status is considered integral to her worth, there may also be pressure to prove one’s virginity—an impossible task given that, biologically, virginity does not exist.
Many mistakenly believe that virginity is linked to the hymen, a thin tissue at the opening of the vagina. This misconception stems from the widespread idea that a woman’s first experience of penetration results in the hymen breaking and bleeding, serving as a sort of “virginity test.” However, for many, the hymen can break without any noticeable symptoms. A 2004 study of sexually active young women concluded that there were “no identifiable changes to the hymenal tissue” in 52 per cent of participants. Despite this, the myth persists, and women around the world may feel pressured to prove their so-called purity.
Although men face no equivalent virginity test, purity culture still influences their sexual identity. It is not only women who grow up with the idea that sex affects their value as human beings. When men internalize such beliefs, they may find themselves reducing both their own and others’ worth to sexual history. This attitude can affect even those who do not engage in sexual activities; numerous men admit to feeling shame and anxiety over not having had sex.
Even though virginity is now widely recognized as a social construct, the idea still impacts many individuals today. For women, purity culture often pressures them to preserve their virginity. For men, the dynamics of hookup culture can push them in the opposite direction. The push and pull between these two can have disastrous consequences. While a man may be ridiculed for inexperience, a woman may feel shunned for promiscuity. Both circumstances feed into purity culture, hindering individuals from seeking the support they require. In other words, it can prevent both men and women from asking questions about safe sex and consent. Moreover, the concept of virginity can force individuals to focus on the aftermath rather than the experience itself. These stigmas that can be carried over time, eventually turning into generational cycles which condemn sexuality as a whole.
Navigating the concept of virginity can be just as tricky as navigating relationships or sexuality itself. However, it reflects our relationship with ourselves—our thoughts, feelings, desires, and ultimately, our choices.
During the recent debate with Gov. Tim Walz, U.S. Sen. J.D. Vance alluded once again to the myth of “post-birth abortions” when he referenced his (mis)understanding of Minnesota’s reproductive health care laws. He claimed that Walz signed a bill that allows “a doctor who presides over an abortion, where the baby survives, the doctor is under no obligation to provide lifesaving care to a baby who survives a botched late term abortion.”
Vance seemingly referred to the 2023 Legislature’s repeal of the “Born Alive Infants Protection Act.” The new law now allows parents to hold and show love to their infants born with fetal abnormalities often incompatible with life, while no longer mandating doctors perform medical interventions that have no chance of success.
This follows the presidential debate during which Donald Trump repeated his claim that abortions are being performed post-birth. While moderator Linsey Davis quickly fact-checked, “There is no state in the country where it is legal to kill a baby after it was born,” there remain voters who believe these harmful myths about abortion care. While fear and misplaced trust play a role, insufficient sex education policies lay the foundation that allows such persistent misunderstanding of pregnancy and abortion.
Thirty states require sex education, but 17 of them mandate an abstinence-only approach. Just three states both require sex education and establish that the education must be comprehensive (e.g., curriculum inclusive of a wide range of sexual, gender and relationship heath topics not limited to abstinence).
Unfortunately, Minnesota is not one of them — our state laws currently require only that schools teach sex education; that it is “technically accurate”; and that it covers abstinence.
Across the country, the state of sex education is not an accident.
Since the 1973 Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision, opposition to abortion rights has gone hand in hand with dismantling sex education in public schools. It began with the 1970’s emergence of the Christian right in backlash to the era’s sexual revolution, and it’s continued to current day Project 2025. In each case, anti-abortion sentiments have accompanied restrictions on sex education under the umbrella of “family values.” These values often resulted in support for abstinence-only sex education, which prevents youth from accessing information about sexuality and pregnancy that does not involve waiting to have sex until marriage.
Anti-abortion advocates know that increased understanding of sex, reproduction and pregnancy encourages support for reproductive freedoms. Twenty-five states have either banned abortion or restricted it beyond what Roe v. Wade allowed before its fall in 2022. Meanwhile, in 2024, over 450 bills have been introduced around the country intending to restrict or remove sex education content or instruction from schools. Many of the states where the most restrictive sex education bills have been introduced — and passed — are states with abortion bans and restrictions.
The purposeful attacks on sex education in schools is exceptionally upsetting considering the consistent findings that high quality sex education reduces rates of unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, while also improving social/emotional learning, increasing media literacy, and developing skills for preventing partner violence and fostering healthy relationships.
But anti-abortion politicians aren’t the only ones who realize this connection. Researchers presenting at the 2024 Southern Political Science Association Conference shared that knowledge about pregnancy “is significantly associated with more (pro-abortion rights) attitudes.” That relationship proved strong across study participants’ political beliefs and religious identities — both of which are often presented as main sources of abortion rights opinions.
Lack of pregnancy knowledge allows space for anti-abortion activists to frame abortion as a moral issue instead of a health care necessity. Take Ed Martin, a Republican Party platform leader at the 2024 RNC, who previously claimed on his podcast,Pro America, that “No abortion is ever performed to save the life of the mother — none, zero, zilch.” This rhetoric negates all the health complications of pregnancy, as well as the life-saving care required to treat them. The complexity and risks of pregnancy — like ectopic pregnancies that cannot be safely carried to term or preexisting health issues made more deadly by the bodily changes of growing a fetus — are too great to legislate in a way that allows true care for any and all who need, and yes choose, to access it.
Despite its widespread support, sex education is rarely included in the advocacy of reproductive rights organizations. Abortion rights are popular in this country, but not as popular as school-based sex education. While 67% of Americans support legal abortion in most or all cases, nearly 89% of Americans — and 90% of parents — believe sexual health education should be in schools. Notably, when Black women lead on abortion rights, they more often advocate for reproductive as well as parenting justice that includes sex education advocacy. The rest of us should take note.
This means taking a broader view of what advocating for reproductive rights looks like. Our methods for supporting pro-abortion rights candidates and organizations appear clear, but supporting sex education in our communities, states, and country requires a slightly different approach.
Education policies come from federal funding and standards, state laws, educational department standards, and local school districts. As the election looms and the school year has begun, consider the candidates at every level — especially the school board — on your ballot. While candidates and advocates are much more openly discussing abortion, sex education remains laden with the perception of controversy and stigma.
We can advance access to sexual health information that students need and deserve by talking about sex education and pushing candidates to do the same. This could be at school board meetings, town halls, caucuses, or by contacting candidates directly. Organizations like Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, or SIECUS, and state-based nonprofits provide opportunities to use your voice for true reproductive freedom that can only come from informed and sexually literate communities.
Ensuring reproductive rights for future generations requires more than fighting for abortion access today. It means advocating for sex education policies that will prevent us from falling into traps of disinformation for decades to come.
It’s hard to miss the overflowing bowl of condoms at the entrance of the gym.
Some University of Mississippi students walking past after their workout snicker and point, and the few who step forward to consider grabbing a condom rethink it when their friends catch up, laughter trailing behind them. Almost no one actually reaches in to take one.
Though officials say they refill the bowl multiple times a day, and condoms are available at multiple places on campus, Ole Miss students say the disinterest is indicative of changing attitudes.
Fewer young people are having sex, but the teens and young adults who are sexually active aren’t using condoms as regularly, if at all. And people ages 15 to 24 made up half of new chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis cases in 2022.
The downward trend in condom usage is due to a few things: medical advancements like long-term birth control options and drugs that prevent sexually transmitted infections; a fading fear of contracting HIV; and widely varying degrees of sex education in high schools.
Is this the end of condoms? Not exactly. But it does have some public health experts thinking about how to help younger generations have safe sex, be aware of their options—condoms included—and get tested for STIs regularly.
“Old condom ads were meant to scare you, and all of us were scared for the longest time,” said Dr. Joseph Cherabie, medical director of the St. Louis HIV Prevention Training Center. “Now we’re trying to move away from that and focus more on what works for you.”
A shift in attitudes
Downtown Oxford was thrumming the day before the first football game of the season. The fall semester had just started.
Lines of college students with tequila-soda breath waited to be let in dim bars with loud music. Hands wandered, drifting into back pockets of jeans, and they leaned on one another.
It’s likely that many of those students didn’t use a condom, said Magan Perry, president of the college’s Public Health Student Association.
“Using a condom is just a big, ‘uh, no,’” the senior said.
Young women often have to initiate using condoms with men, she said, adding that she’s heard of men who tell a sexual partner they’ll just buy emergency contraception the next day instead.
“I’ve had friends who go home with a guy and say they’re not having sex unless they use a condom, and immediately the reaction is either a reluctant, ‘OK, fine,’ or ‘If you don’t trust me, then I shouldn’t even be here,’” Perry said. “They’re like, ‘Well, I’m not dirty, so why would I use them?’”
Women have long had the onus of preventing pregnancy or STIs, Cherabie said, and buying condoms or emergency contraceptives—which are often in a locked cabinet or behind a counter—can be an uncomfortable experience and “inserts a certain amount of shame,” Cherabie said.
If pregnancy risk has been the driving factor for condom usage among heterosexual couples, the fear of contracting HIV was the motivation for condom use among men who have sex with men.
But as that fear has subsided, so has condom use, according to a recent study that focused on a population of HIV-negative men who have sex with men.
Grindr, a popular gay dating app, even lists condom use under “kinks” instead of “health.” Things like that make Steven Goodreau, an HIV expert at the University of Washington who led the study, worry that the change in attitudes toward condoms is trickling down to younger generations.
Goodreau believes the promotion of pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), a drug that prevents HIV, is overshadowing condoms as a prevention strategy. A strategic plan for federal HIV research through 2025 doesn’t mention condoms, and neither does the national Ending the HIV Epidemic plan.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention acknowledges that condoms are still an effective tool that can be used “alongside newer prevention strategies.”
“We know that condom use has declined among some groups, but they still have an important role to play in STI prevention,” said Dr. Bradley Stoner, director of the CDC’s Division of STD Prevention.
“Condoms can be accessed without navigating the health care system, can be used on-demand, are generally affordable and most importantly, they are effective at preventing HIV and STIs when used consistently and correctly.”
Medical advances allow for more options
Pleasure—for both men and women—has long been an undeniable factor for the lack of condom use, according to Dr. Cynthia Graham, a member of the Kinsey Institute team that studies condoms.
But more so, advances in medicine have expanded the options for both STI and pregnancy prevention.
Young cisgender women have been turning to contraceptive implants like intrauterine devices and birth control pills to keep from getting pregnant. And researchers say that once women are in committed relationships or have one sexual partner for a significant amount of time, they often switch to longer-term birth control methods.
Ole Miss junior Madeline Webb said she and her partner seem like outliers—they have been seeing each other for four years, but still use condoms. They also share the responsibility of buying condoms.
“People see condoms as an inconvenience … but they do serve a purpose even if you’re on birth control because there is always a chance of an STD,” Webb said.
A new drug on the market could mean even more STI prevention options for men and possibly women.
Doxycycline post-exposure prophylaxis, or doxy PEP, can be taken within 72 hours after unprotected sex and can help prevent chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis. It has to be prescribed by a doctor. Trials are still being conducted for women, but the drug is gaining traction among men who have sex with men and transgender women.
With widespread uptake, the drug has the potential to make a significant impact in STI prevention strategies.
“When PrEP came out, everyone was excited because it was one less thing to worry about in terms of HIV acquisition,” Cherabie said. “With another thing on board that can help decrease our likelihood of getting other STIs, on top of not having to worry about HIV, it gives our community and patients a little less anxiety about their sex lives.”
And in just a decade, PrEP has become a main preventive measure against HIV and other STIs for men who have sex with men—though it is disproportionately used by white men.
Condom use now is “pretty much a thing of the past” for men who have sex with men compared to the 1980s and early 1990s during the AIDS epidemic, said Andres Acosta Ardilla, a community outreach director at an Orlando-based nonprofit primary care clinic that focuses on Latinos with HIV.
“Part of what we have to talk about is that there is something enticing about having condomless sex,” Acosta Ardilla said. “And we have to, as people who are working in public health, plan for the fact that people will choose to have condomless sex.”
The fight over sex ed
Despite the relentless Southern sun, a handful of people representing various student organizations sat at tables in the heart of Ole Miss’ campus. Students walked past and grabbed buttons, wristbands and fidget toys. One table offered gold-packaged condoms—for cups to prevent drinks from being spiked.
Actual condoms are noticeably absent. They’re also absent in the state’s public schools.
Condom demonstrations are banned in Mississippi classrooms, and school districts can provide abstinence-only or “abstinence-plus” sexual education—both of which can involve discussing condoms and contraceptives.
Focus on the Family, an Christian organization that advocates for teaching abstinence until marriage, is concerned that comprehensive sex education “exposes students to explicit materials.” Abstinence-centered education is “age-appropriate” and keeps students safe and healthy, Focus on the Family analyst Jeff Johnston said in an emailed statement.
But Josh McCawley, deputy director of Teen Health Mississippi, an organization that works with youth to increase access to health resources, said the effects are clear.
“The obvious consequence is the rise of sexually transmitted infections, which is what we’re seeing right now, which can be a burden on the health care system,” he said, “but also there could be long-term consequences for young people in terms of thinking about what it means to be healthy and how to protect themselves, and that goes beyond a person’s sexual health.”
The latest CDC data from 2022 shows Mississippi has the highest teen birth rate in the country.
Scott Clements, who oversees health information for the state education department, was hesitant to criticize Mississippi’s sex education standards because they’re “legislatively mandated.”
“If the legislature wants to make changes to this, we will certainly follow their lead,” he added—though attempts to pass more advanced sexual education standards have died repeatedly in the Mississippi statehouse over the past eight years.
Nationally, there is no set standard for sex education, according to Michelle Slaybaugh, policy and advocacy director for the Sexuality Information and Education Council for the United States, which advocates for comprehensive sex ed.
Not every state mandates sex education. Some states emphasize abstinence. Less than half of states require information on contraception.
“There is no definitive way to describe what sex ed looks like from classroom to classroom, even in the same state, even in the same district,” Slaybaugh said, “because it will really be determined by who teaches it.”
Compare Mississippi to Oregon, which has extensive state standards that require all public school districts to teach medically accurate and comprehensive sexual education. Students in Portland are shown how to put on a condom starting in middle school and have access to free condoms at most high schools.
Lori Kuykendall of Dallas, who helped write abstinence-focused standards, said condom demonstrations like those in Portland “normalize sexual activity in a classroom full of young people who the majority of are not sexually active.” She also points to increasingly easy access to pornography — in which people typically do not wear condoms—is a contributing factor to the decline in condom use among young people.
Jenny Withycombe, the assistant director for health and physical education at Portland Public Schools, acknowledged the standards see pushback in the more conservative and rural parts of Oregon. But the idea is to prepare students for future interactions.
“Our job is to hopefully build the skills so that even if it’s been a while since the (condom) demo … the person has the skills to go seek out that information, whether it’s from the health center or other reliable and reputable resources,” Withycombe said.
Those standards seem to contribute to a more progressive view of condoms and sex in young adults, said Gavin Leonard, a senior at Reed College in Portland and a former peer advocate for the school’s sexual health and relationship program.
Leonard, who grew up in Memphis—not far from Oxford, Mississippi, said his peers at Reed may not consistently use condoms, but, in his experience, better understand the consequences of not doing so. They know their options, and they know how to access them.
Slaybaugh wants that level of education for Mississippi students—and the rest of the country.
“We would never send a soldier into war without training or the resources they need to keep themselves safe,” she said. “We would not send them into a battle without a helmet or a bulletproof vest. So why is it OK for us to send young people off to college without the information that they need to protect themselves?”
Scenes from the movie “A Book By Their Cover” which was filmed in Berkshire County.
“[Young people] need to have visibility, and they don’t need to learn about things covertly with shame,” said filmmaker John Tedeschi. “They should be given the same awkward chance of learning about sex, sexuality, sex education, and biology.”
Inspired by controversial local events, Stockbridge filmmaker John Tedeschi has created the film “A Book By Their Cover.” In an interview with The Berkshire Edge, first-time screenwriter and movie director Tedeschi said that the movie is partially inspired by the controversy surrounding the Great Barrington Police Department’s investigation of a W.E.B. Du Bois Regional Middle School teacher over the book “Gender Queer.”
As of late September, the now-former teacher’s lawsuit over the incident continues to go through the court system. Tedeschi said that while the movie was partially inspired by the incident, other events around the country also influenced the film, including book bans connected to the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer (LGBTQ+) community.
“When I was listening to the meeting at the middle school that was held regarding the book, I felt that there is a need for that book to be available to some people, as long as it is age appropriate,” Tedeschi said.
The movie centers around 12-year-old Samantha, played by actress Eva Ferreira, who discovers a book while staying at her grandparent’s house. “She discovers a book on the bookshelf of their house, and it sort of piqued her curiosity,” Tedeschi said. “It’s a medical book. From that book, she starts to realize and learn things about herself. She thinks that she needs to read the book privately or covertly. As everyone in the house goes to bed, in the middle of the night Smantha comes down the stairs and reads the book.”
Tedeschi said that the medical book she reads was written in 1962. “She goes to the pages that say ‘homosexual’ on them,” Tedeschi said. “She is a little bit dismayed, confused, and scared. Samantha goes to school the next day, and the stress is aggravating and upsetting her. We see her go into the school bathroom, and she’s very frustrated and alone.”
Actress Eva Ferreira stars as 12-year-old Samantha.
Tedeschi explained that Samantha goes home to her parents and asks them questions. “Her parents don’t know all of the answers, but they are very supportive,” Tedeschi said. “They decide to get a book to help her.” Samantha’s parents give her the book “The Every Body Book: The LGBTQ+ Inclusive Guide for Kids about Sex, Gender, Bodies, and Families,” written in 2020 by Rachel Simon and illustrated by Noah Grigni.
Tedeschi said that trouble arises when Samantha takes the book to school. “During the school day, someone sees the book who doesn’t like it,” Tedeschi said. “That person [the school janitor] takes the book, confiscates it, and brings it to the principal. The principal brings the book to the superintendent, and in turn, the superintendent calls the police.”
Film director and writer John Tedeschi plays the character of “Carl Stallings,” a school janitor, who finds Samantha’s copy of “The Every Body Book” during a school day and confiscates it.
The movie then flashes forward to a town meeting during which various opinions are voiced about the book and the investigation.
The town meeting scene in “A Book By Their Cover.”
“But the book is eventually given back to Samantha,” Tedeschi said. “She is a bit shaken, but she feels that she can move forward, figure things out, and then start to feel better in time.”
When asked what he hopes audiences will get out of the film, Tedeschi said, “I hope people realize that resources are needed and are important for young people to feel that they are equal and visible.”
“[Young people] need to have visibility, and they don’t need to learn about things covertly with shame,” Tedeschi said. “They should be given the same awkward chance of learning about sex, sexuality, sex education, and biology. Children sometimes ask their parents how babies are made, and there’s this quick answer. But there’s not always the answer of adoption, or that there are other types of families out there. I feel like we need to be a little bit more updated and knowledgeable about the spectrum of various families and information.”
The film was filmed in Berkshire County. “We filmed a lot of it in Stockbridge,” Tedeschi said. “We were also able to use a middle school in Otis for some scenes.”
Tedeschi said that he is entering “A Book By Their Cover” in various festivals, and that the film will soon be available to watch on the Community Television of South Berkshires public access cable channel.
In an email to The Berkshire Edge after the interview, Tedeschi clarified:
… [T]he film is not a true story, it is not a film that uses the words ‘based on true or actual events’, and the characters are not intended to appear as any actual person. The film was inspired by many things, it is a mirror, as you said, of events but it is not the actual likeness.
Freshers’ week is nigh: as I write this, hordes of 18-year-olds are likely raiding their parents’ drawers for knives and forks, panic-buying overpriced clothes from Urban Outfitters, and fruitlessly trying to identify their future flatmates via a number of impenetrable Facebook Freshers’ groups.
If you are one of these lucky incoming students: good luck! While you’re probably excited at the prospect of moving somewhere where there’s a bit more to do than get drunk on a park bench and traipse around a desolate ‘retail park’, it’s also totally normal to feel anxious as Freshers’ week looms.
The first few weeks of university have a reputation for being fun, a little chaotic, and, yes, prime time for casual sex. But if you’re panicked at the thought of having to navigate it all, don’t fret – we’ve compiled a handy list of our ten best tips for how to approach dating, sex, and relationships in your first year of university.
DO BREAK UP WITH YOUR SIXTH FORM PARTNER
I’m sorry, but they are not the love of your life. Yes, even if you lost your virginity to them; even if the train between Leeds and Nottingham is only two hours long; even if you’ve already planned your one-year anniversary dinner at Pizza Express. If you don’t heed this warning, you will break up two years down the line and be forever haunted by the realisation that you a) blew your shot with the hot guy you met at the student union bar who now has a beautiful girlfriend and b) wasted £692 on Trainline tickets to Nottingham.
DON’T BECOME OBSESSED WITH THE FIRST PERSON (MAN) WHO IS NICE TO YOU
For those heading to uni already single, I get it; teenage boys are cruel and you’ve probably spent the last few years internalising the idea that you are ugly and freakish and fundamentally unlovable. But the first man to treat you with a modicum of respect probably isn’t the love of your life either. If anything he’s probably a mental narcissist who’s sniffed out how insecure you are and is planning on putting you through the ringer with some seriously fucked-up mind games (it’s not like I have firsthand experience of this or anything haha).
Then again, maybe this is a canon event for anyone with cripplingly low self-esteem, so go for it if you want, I guess. Character building etc x
Fanciable people are everywhere at uni: keep your eyes peeled and your heart open
DO FALL IN LOVE WITH EVERYONE
None of this is to say you ought to swear off dating during your first year of university: conversely, this is the perfect time to sow your wild oats. Try to find romance everywhere. Allow yourself to be delusional with it: why not kid yourself into thinking the fit guy in your English seminar is hopelessly in love with you because he said your thoughts on Heart of Darkness were “interesting”? Why not fantasise about the myriad ways you could possibly introduce yourself to the sweet-looking girl you always walk past in the library? Fanciable people are everywhere at uni: keep your eyes peeled and your heart open.
You might never shag – let alone speak to – most of these people, but that’s half the fun. “Fantasy love is much better than reality love” or whatever Andy Warhol said.
DO SHAG YOUR FRIENDS
Listen. Maybe this is bad advice, but I don’t care. You can’t say you think everyone on Hinge is ugly and narcissistic and then write off lovely Matt from the film society because ‘it would be weird’ because you’re ‘like brother and sister’. You are not like brother and sister: you met three weeks ago and have probably both fantasised about shagging one another. Get drunk and have a little kiss at least. Life’s too short.
(One caveat: do not shag your first-year flatmate. People repeat this advice for a reason.)
DO BUY A VIBRATOR
You don’t have to worry about your mum intercepting your Lovehoney parcel or hearing the muffled buzz of a bullet through your bedroom wall any longer – enjoy the freedom!
DON’T ‘FORGET’ TO CHANGE YOUR BED SHEETS FOR THE ENTIRETY OF YOUR FIRST TERM
This one is largely aimed at all the straight, male freshers of the world. It’s not nice to bring someone back to your room and expect them to get into sheets which reek of must and semen.
And while we’re on the topic, don’t be afraid to inject some personality into your room too. It doesn’t have to be Architectural Digest-worthy but most women will think you’re a serial killer if the only ‘decoration’ in your bedroom is a PS5 perched atop a sad pile of the textbooks needed for your course. Get a plant, at least.
DON’T BE WEIRD ABOUT CASUAL RELATIONSHIPS
Having casual sex with someone doesn’t mean you’ve got carte blanche to treat them like a sex toy with an annoying human appendage. Don’t bolt out the door as soon as you’ve wiped the cum off your thighs: stay for a glass of water and a cuddle and maybe an episode of something. Smile if you walk past them on campus. Reply to their texts in a timely manner. It’s not hard.
Having casual sex with someone doesn’t mean you’ve got carte blanche to treat them like a sex toy with an annoying human appendage
DO BE SAFE
On a more serious note, do use condoms and try to remember to carry them with you (whether you have a dick or not).
Plus, if you haven’t already, it’s a good idea to consider some form of long-term contraception if you’re worried about an unplanned pregnancy (PSA for anyone with prudish parents: they don’t need to know. You’re an adult. It’s your business, not theirs).
If you have had unprotected sex, get tested: you can access STI and STD testing at a local sexual health clinic or GP surgery. You can also order free and discreet tests online. If you’re worried about an unplanned pregnancy, you can also get the morning after pill from most sexual health clinics, GP surgeries, or pharmacies. You may also be able to get the it for free on the NHS, but you may have to pay at pharmacies like Boots. Men: if any of your sexual partners has to pay for the morning after pill, don’t be a dick – split the cost with them.
DON’T DITCH YOUR FRIENDS FOR A PARTNER
Not because you’ll have no shoulder to cry on if things go south with your partner – more because it’s just a shitty thing to do to your friends. Your mates will carry you through uni, and if you’ve got good ones, they’ll carry you through post-grad life too. Don’t treat them like they’re playing second fiddle to your partner.
DO HAVE FUN
Navigating love and sex at uni is not easy by any means. One day you will probably find yourself sobbing into your McDonald’s order over a man who doesn’t care if you live or die. You will probably call one of your Hinge matches while drunk and say something so toe-curlingly embarrassing that the next day you’ll look into the logistics of transferring to the University of Strathclyde. You will probably break someone’s heart too. But university is probably the first and last time in your life where you will be parachuted into the midst of a ready-made community of hot, interesting people, with all the time in the world to go on dates, have sex, and, yes, even fall in love. Make the most of it.
