— Your Guide To The Sex Position
By Amanda Chatel
There’s a good chance you’ve heard of the 69 position, maybe even before you could really wrap your brain around the concept. The position — two bodies on top of each other, facing opposite directions, and simultaneously stimulating each other orally — can be a hotly debated topic amongst friends. There are people who love 69-ing and those who’ve realized not only is 69-ing not for them, but they completely loathe the position. Luckily, we live in a world of options, one of which is a little something called the 68 position.
“The [68] position is a very relaxing one, you are actually laying there to receive rather than being expected to do something in return,” certified sex and relationship psychotherapist Gigi Engle tells Cosmopolitan UK. “A lot of the time, when women and people with vulvas have problems with orgasm, it’s because they don’t think that they have an entitlement to pleasure, due to the way that they have been socialized to be givers and to always be servicing other people,” says Engle. “This position really lends itself to just laying back and enjoying.”
To get a better understanding of the 68 position, Women exclusively talked to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, sexpert for Lovers sexual wellness brand and retailer. If you’ve never heard of this gem of a position, then here’s everything you need to know.
How 68 differs from 69
The biggest difference between the 68 and 69 positions is that only one person is being orally stimulated. But similar to 69, your bodies are still stacked and facing opposite directions. One partner lays down on their back, while the other partner lays on top of them, facing the opposite direction, but face up. Each partner should have their feet firmly on the ground with their knees bent and legs comfortably spread enough to receive oral sex. It may take some experimentation the first time around, but every sex position takes a bit of work when initially explored.
“People may find the 68 position better than the 69 because of multiple reasons,” Stewart tells Women. For starters, height differences between partners can mess with alignment of the genitals and mouths for 69-ing, she says. There’s also the matter of trying to get your head in the game during 69-ing, which for some people can be near impossible. “If they’re unable to multitask, the 68 is ideal because they only have to be concentrating on one kind of behavior,” says Stewart. “It’s also helpful if you just want to concentrate on your pleasure without any distractions like genitals in your face.”
Advantages to 68 sex position
The biggest advantage that the 68 sex position has to offer (and is the real selling point), is that each partner is able to concentrate better while giving oral, as well be more present while receiving, Stewart says. There’s also the fact that 68 allows for a “spectacular view,” she points out. Let’s be honest, during 69-ing your partner’s genitals are so close to your face that your sense of sight is pretty much deprived. All you can really see is just flesh and more flesh, and not the particulars. For people who need visual stimulation to become aroused and stay aroused, 69 just doesn’t do it. But with 68, it’s all right there — and not just your partner’s genitals, but their body and face too. It can be really sexy to make eye contact with your partner during oral sex — something you never get in the 69 position.
How to truly enhance the experience
Despite the fact that only one person is giving oral in the 68 position, both partners can still stay active. It takes two to tango, which means that just because you’re not giving oral, it’s not okay to mentally check out. When you do, you’re denying both you and your partner what can be a really intense and intimate experience.
“You should always be active unless your role is to be passive,” says Stewart. “As an active person in the sexual experience, that means that you are giving feedback (moans, talking, etc.) to let your partner know how you’re feeling.” After all, communication (all forms of it) keeps the momentum going and allows both partners to know that they’re on the same page.
If your partner is new or it’s a one-night stand, be sure to communicate beforehand as well. Having sex with someone you just met can be really exciting, like opening a gift, but because sex is an umbrella term for so many sexual acts, you want at least a glimpse of what you’re both into — especially if there’s the possibility of having to navigate a kink gap. “Know which tactics that they have as sexual assets that will titillate your partner in the ways that they like,” says Stewart. “Being able to connect to your lover authentically is a great way to foster trust, safety, and security.” Also, don’t forget to tackle the consent chat before you do anything.
Things to consider before diving into 68
Not every body is able to move in the exact same way, and it’s important to keep that in mind whether you’re planning to 68, 69, do it doggy style, or try some super advanced position you come across in the Kama Sutra. Just because something exists, it doesn’t mean everyone can (or should) do it. “When doing [the 68] position, keep in mind your physical limitations and be cognizant of your physical abilities,” says Stewart. “Nothing is worse than getting into a position you think you like and then having it be ruined by a body part that is too achy or unable to withstand the sexual experience.”
It’s also worth noting that sex-related injuries are far more common than you might think. According to a survey by Superdrug Online Doctor, a whopping 62% of people in a roughly 1,000-person survey reported injuring themselves during sex. Among the sex positions most likely to result in an injury? Doggy style — for people with vulvas and people with penises. So ease your way into the 68 position, make sure both you and your partner are comfy, then let the oral stimulation commence.
6 Reasons Why 69-Ing May Not Be The Best Sex Position For You
Somewhere down the line, every person is introduced to the 69 position. In most cases, they hear about it first and, depending on your age and sexual experience, the mere idea of it can be perplexing. We’re talking about a position in which two people are facing opposing directions — as in head-to-toes — and giving each other oral sex at the same time. Why? Who came up with this? As if it weren’t hard enough to garner the necessary stamina and confidence to be on top, let alone this.
Like a lot of sex positions, this one goes way back. It appears in the Kama Sutra, which was written somewhere between 400 BCE and 200 CE, and is explained as “When a man and woman lie down in an inverted order, with the head of one toward the feet of the other, and carry on this congress, it is called the Congress of a Crow.” But how the name evolved from “congress of a cow” to 69 can be attributed to, of course, the French — leave it to the French to come up with a pretty term for anything sex-related. At the beginning of the French Revolution a sex manual entitled “The Whore’s Catechisms” was published and in it, this notorious position was renamed “soixante-neuf,” the French translation for sixty-nine. And the name stuck.
Although there are those who love 69-ing, for many it’s not a great position for a slew of reasons. If you don’t love, or even like 69-ing, you’re not alone.
Height differences
It’s pretty rare that you come across a couple who are the exact same height, especially in cishet relationships. However, if two people want to pull off a 69 and make it enjoyable enough to be an almost-perfect situation, then being the same height is key. Granted, a couple of inches in height differentiation aren’t a big deal, but if you’re five-foot and your partner is six-two, that’s quite a disparity and 69 isn’t likely to be the best fit for you two.
“69’ing is not actually ‘nice,’” a Reddit user wrote. “If both partners aren’t well-matched in how tall they are, it just doesn’t work well … One person lies on the bottom and is kind of crushed. If you don’t orgasm simultaneously, it’s just awkward.”
Although there’s the debate that if you perform 69 on your sides, there’s no crushing involved even if the two partners aren’t remotely close in height, it can still be tricky. If you and your partner have a mismatched height situation, then skip 69.
It involves too much multi-tasking
Some people aren’t multitaskers. They don’t have it in their DNA and that’s fine! If the world were full of only multitaskers, far too much would be accomplished and, honestly, we don’t really need that. The 69 position is multitasking and then some. Just think about the position and what it entails from both partners: attention to detail, being totally present, and trying to offer up some really great oral sex while also trying to focus on your own pleasure.
“Female perspective: There’s too much going on at once,” wrote a Reddit user. “It’s almost impossible to concentrate if the other person is doing a good job. If the other person isn’t doing a good job then why bother with bells and whistles for them if they are just lapping at you like a thirsty dog drinking water … It’s a totally overhyped sex position.”
Contrary to the belief that cis men are into 69-ing, this Reddit comment got a very apropos response: “Male here and I 100% agree with you,” wrote the Reddit user. “I can’t speak to fellatio, but I know cunnilingus takes some concentration to be done well. So 69 is like doing math problems while on a roller coaster: you won’t enjoy the coaster and you’ll f*** up the math. It’s better for everyone involved to just take turns … I put 69 in the same category as shower sex and beach sex. They sound nice on paper but are typically disappointing in practice.” There’s no sense in giving and receiving mediocre oral sex when you can give and receive fantastic oral when you subtract multitasking from the scenario.
It’s not orgasm-friendly
As the Reddit users pointed out, with all that’s going on, concentration goes out the window. When that happens, having an orgasm is hard for both partners — no matter if they’re penis owners or vulva owners. Even if your end game in 69 isn’t focused on climaxing, your brain is still immersed in things that you normally wouldn’t be thinking about if you and your partner partook in oral sex one at a time.
For example, there’s all that lovely face-smothering that can make breathing a bit of a challenge. Then there’s that distracting lapping and sucking sound that, when oral is performed on each person one at a time, isn’t as noticeable because there are things like moaning and being able to lose yourself in the moment fully. During 69, you can become overly aware of things you wouldn’t normally even notice. For those with a vulva, trying to orgasm is often difficult enough.
“[The media] has been guilty of telling women how orgasms are supposed to happen,” clinical psychologist and sex educator Lawrence Siegel told Healthline. “To have an orgasm you have to be able to let go and allow it to happen, which is an issue for a lot of people … People wonder if they’re pleasing their partner enough, or they get self-conscious about their own bodies in certain positions. Porn is a big misconception about how people are ‘supposed’ to look, feel, and react during sex. And a lot of that is fake.” If you’re someone who struggles to orgasm with a partner or without one and want to orgasm with your oral sex, then 69 probably isn’t for you.
You can’t communicate
According to a 2018 study published in Sex and Marital Therapy, ultimate sexual satisfaction is directly linked to communication — this includes both verbal and non-verbal. But when you’re 69-ing, you can’t verbally communicate (for obvious reasons), nor can you non-verbally communicate, again, for obvious reasons. It’s not exactly the most forgiving position when it comes to movement that would let you non-verbally communicate to your partner that you’re enjoying a technique, disliking something they’re doing, or if they moved their tongue a little to left, things would feel much better. You’re sort of trapped in a locked-in position, both mouths full of genitals, and minimal ability to communicate what you want to tell them.
People who like to talk during sex and feel comfortable expressing what they’re experiencing, giving direction, or are open to receiving direction, aren’t likely to find satisfaction in 69. Sure, you can “uh-huh” with your throat, but that’s about it — especially if your bodies are really close and you have a penis in your mouth that you have to struggle to get out of your mouth to say even one word. Also, if you’re not awkward about dirty talk and are really into it while being intimate, it’s definitely not happening during 69.
It can actually leave you with some pain
Two words: neck pain. Anyone who’s ever tried 69 laying down, either one on top of the other or side-by-side knows that neck pain, if you hold the position too long, is a given. Certain parts of the body aren’t made to be held in specific positions for extended periods of time, so when these areas are pushed to the limit, pain inevitably follows.
According to a survey of over 1000 Europeans and Americans by Superdrug Online Doctor, 62% of people reported experiencing sex-related injuries at some point in their life. Although doggy style appears to be the most dangerous for those with vulvas and missionary the most precarious for penis owners, 69 is also on the list. As the survey found 2.6% of penis owners and 1.4% of vulva owners have been victims of 69ing gone awry. While the survey didn’t say how these injuries occurred or what they were, they still happened. There’s also the risk of an over-excited person wielding their penis in a way that can get a little aggressive.
“It’s not uncommon for an enthusiastic penis-haver to press down a bit too far into their partner’s mouth, restricting airflow and causing a bit of discomfort,” sex and relationships therapist Stefani Goerlich, LMSW-Clinical, LISW told Insider. If you’re accident-prone, already have some aches and pains that you’d prefer not to add to, or you’re a big fan of breathing while engaging in sexual activity, then maybe look toward other sex positions instead of 69.
It’s not conducive to summer weather
As you’ve probably noticed, people get horny in the summer. We have the sun, more skin showing, holidays, and just a general upbeat attitude about life as a whole. So, naturally, sex is on the brain for a lot of people — and research proves it. According to a 2013 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, a five-year-long analysis found that once summer rolls around, Google searches for porn, prostitution, and online dating skyrocket. The study noted that the findings further prove that seasonal trends around STIs, condom sales, and abortions increasing as well. But while many people may be in the mood to get it on, there’s one position you shouldn’t get into when things are hot and sweaty.
“The 69 position is best avoided because it obviously means bodies are super-close together, rubbing down,” sex expert Ruby Payne told LadBible. “And even if you do it on the side, there’s more contact with the bed fabrics … Stick to the ‘unmutual’ kind of oral in a heatwave.”
That’s right; a sex expert has actually advised against summer 69-ing. If July and August are your months to sexually shine before Labor Day, then 69 isn’t for you. But guess what? That’s totally okay! Despite what we see in porn, most people aren’t 69-ing all the time. In fact, a 2015 survey by Uncovering Intimacy found that only 17% of people favor the 69 position for oral sex, while 46% prefer laying on their back with their partner between their legs. So there you go — you’re not alone and there are many of us, so you’re in fabulous company.
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ejaculate when he uses either lotion or lube while either masturbating or when fucking you. Right? Does that mean he can masturbate to ejaculation just fine with a dry hand?So when you guys have sex, and he’s fucking you, and you cum, what happens next? Does he pull out of you, wipe off the lube and beat off till he cums?
First, it’s not unusual for a man not to cum as a top in anal (or vaginal) intercourse. Sometimes there’s simply not enough of the right kind of friction. If, for example, your BF is like another client of mine and his masturbation style is very vigorous, or like my client who is only able to cum by concentrating his manual stimulation on his frenulum, he’ll not cum in anal intercourse…or any intercourse for that matter. He has to get himself off by hand.
exceptionally enviable relationship. Also sounds like you have plenty of room for spicing things up too.It’s so interesting that you mention your BF’s fart incident. I’ve had other people tell me similar stories. Almost to the one, each reported that this single fart incident during sex, altered their entire sexual response cycle for years. Isn’t that amazing? Aren’t we incredible creatures?
Many people are able to perform sexually, while having difficulty with intimacy. When I see such a person in my therapy practice, I help my client overcome this rift by encouraging him to gradually increase the amount of intimacy he is comfortable with every sexual encounter. It’s a simple behavior modification thing.
While you may have enough in common to consume hours of internet time each week, (no big challenge there, you can train a chimp to do the same) the sex thing, or passion thing, or whatever else one calls it these days, simply isn’t there. And there’s no making it suddenly appear at this point in your association. Your internet “date” is not about to be dazzled by anything that isn’t highly combustible, regardless of how poorly this has served him in the past. Your method, on the other hand, ain’t getting you married either.