Maybe Your Dead Bedroom Marriage Needs a Hit of Ketamine

— Psychedelic Sex Therapy 101

I asked a doctor who’s an expert in the treatment

Whether through the iconic Dr. Ruth Westheimer (RIP) or the Netflix hit Sex Education, you’ve probably heard of sex therapy. But have you heard of psychedelic sex therapy? It’s basically traditional sex therapy that integrates the use of psychedelics to address sexual issues. I reached out to Dr. Steven Radowitz, MD, the Chief Medical Officer and Co-Founder of the psychedelic wellness clinic Nushama, to learn more.

Meet the Expert

Dr. Steven Radowitz, MD, is the Chief Medical Officer and Co-Founder of the psychedelic wellness clinic Nushama. Dr. Radowitz has a wealth of experience seeing the effects trauma can have on our physical health firsthand. He joined Nushama to oversee and develop treatment modalities, believing psychedelics are the future of mental wellness as current solutions treat symptoms, not underlying issues. Dr. Radowitz also runs the primary care program at Goldman Sachs and has practiced internal medicine and primary care since 1998. He completed his MD at Chicago Medical School, worked at St. Vincent’s in general medicine and HIV/AIDS units and was Medical Director of the inpatient alcohol and opiate detox and treatment unit.

What Is Psychedelic Sex Therapy?

In psychedelic couples therapy, both members of a couple, with the help of a sex therapist, work through the emotional blockages that have been getting in the way of healthy intimacy.

Many relationships get stale over time, thanks to life stressors like work, kids and money, which start to make their way into the bedroom. Sex therapy in a committed relationship can help maintain a deep physical and emotional connection and bond between a couple,. Psychedelic sex therapy takes it to the next level: “Psychedelic experiences can help realign our consciousness and focus away from these mounting worries, help process past difficult life situations and in doing so, regain a greater sense of connection to those that we love,” Dr. Radowitz tells me.

He adds, “Psychedelic sex therapy integrates the use of psychedelics with traditional sex therapy techniques to address sexual issues, intimacy challenges and trauma. This approach combines the psychological healing effects of substances like MDMA, psilocybin or ketamine with therapy aimed at improving sexual well-being, intimacy and relationships.” He adds that currently, on a federal level, ketamine is the only legal psychedelic available to use in a clinical setting in the United States. MDMA and/or psilocybin are legally available for clinical use in a number of other countries such as Australia (MDMA, psilocybin), Jamaica (psilocybin) and the Netherlands (psilocybin truffles).

How Does Psychedelic Sex Therapy Differ from Traditional Sex Therapy?

Per Dr. Radowitz, here’s how it differs from traditional sex therapy:

Use of Psychedelics: Psychedelic sex therapy involves the controlled use of substances that alter consciousness, with the intention of accessing deeper emotional states, healing trauma and fostering openness in therapy. Dr. Radowitz says, “Traditional sex therapy typically relies on talking, behavioral interventions and psychological techniques without the use of psychoactive substances.”
Access to the Subconscious: He explains that psychedelics allow access to unconscious emotions and memories that may be difficult to reach in traditional therapy, which can help individuals or couples explore and resolve deep-seated issues related to sexuality (like trauma, repression or body image issues), which might be harder to address in a non-altered state.
Increased Emotional Openness: “Substances like MDMA can reduce fear and increase feelings of trust, safety and emotional intimacy,” Dr. Radowitz tells me. “This can enhance the therapeutic process by helping people feel more comfortable discussing sensitive issues or facing difficult emotions. Traditional sex therapy may take longer to achieve this level of openness and vulnerability.”
Somatic Awareness: Psychedelics often heighten body awareness, which can help address physical or sensory aspects of sexuality. “This can facilitate the exploration of body sensations, desires and boundaries, which may be more difficult to achieve through talk-based therapy alone.”
Enhanced Empathy and Connection: Another benefit of psychedelic experiences: they can foster empathy, which is particularly beneficial in couples therapy. Dr. Radowitz notes that the altered state can help partners connect on a deeper emotional and spiritual level, potentially leading to breakthroughs in communication and intimacy that traditional therapy may struggle to achieve as quickly.
Therapist’s Role: “In psychedelic sex therapy, the therapist’s role may involve guiding the patient through the psychedelic experience, helping to integrate insights and ensuring a safe and supportive environment,” according to Dr. Radowitz. “In contrast, traditional sex therapy focuses more on facilitating discussion, behavioral change and education within the confines of standard cognitive or somatic therapy techniques.”

Are There Any Risks?

Dr. Radowitz stresses that it’s crucial to work with a reputable clinician and therapist who has experience in screening out anyone with a contraindication to the use of psychedelics (including prior history of psychosis/schizophrenia or active mania in someone with bipolar affective disorder). He adds, “Also, it’s critical to make sure they are medically stable for treatment and there are no interactions with any of their current medications. It’s important to work with a therapist who is experienced and comfortable working with psychedelics, who could properly prepare, guide and integrate their experience.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

October 28, 2024May 9, 2026

What is shibari?

— Here’s everything to know about Japanese rope bondage, according to experts

Right this way for all the kinky details

By Gigi Engle and Sophie Saint Thomas

DISCLAIMER: Always get consent when trying something new. If you are unsure about any of the terms mentioned in this article please refer to our expert guide to BDSM. The views expressed in this article are those of experts and not of Cosmopolitan. If you are concerned about your safety or need advice on sex and sexuality, speak with a sexual health professional or counsellor or contact Brook for anonymous support.

Whether you’re kink-curious or consider yourself a bona fide kinxpert (that’s ‘kink expert’, in case that wasn’t clear), one thing about sex on the kinky side is that there is always more to learn. Hence why we’re on a never-ending journey to provide you with the kind of top-notch kink-ed your high school health class definitely didn’t. Which brings us to today’s lesson. Hi, let’s talk about a form of BDSM that is definitely not for the under-educated: shibari.

Shibari, or kinbaku, is the art of Japanese rope tying. It falls under the ‘B’ in BDSM — bondage. Kinbaku actually means ‘tight binding’ and shibari means ‘tying’.

“Shibari, or Japanese rope bondage, is a style of kink or BDSM play that comes from Japan and is firmly rooted in the adult entertainment and image-making industry of the early 20th century,” says sex educator Midori, author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and founder of Rope Dojo and ForteFemme Women’s Intensive. “It originated as an underground form of culturally-specific erotic fantasy play that centres on the erotic nostalgia of bygone eras.”

It’s a true art form that takes great skill and practice — we’re talking tying people into human chandeliers and tying countless, intricate knots for hours on end. Mastering shibari can take years and years of dedication. This advanced kink practice isn’t for everyone, but for the (deeply patient) shibari lover, it is everything.

Sex expert Julieta Chiara, a certified kinbaku instructor, says shibari’s appeal is layered and can be almost spiritual: “It’s the erotic nature, blend of pleasure and pain or restraint, and the immense connection and trust that is built between the rigger (the one tying) and the rope bottom (the one getting tied).”

When practiced safely and effectively, shibari can be a fantastic way to explore a whole new kind of erotic experience. Keep reading to find out all about shibari’s exquisite history, how to learn more about the practice, and even some sexy positions that beginners can try (plus a cute tip on how to work shibari into a date night out).

What is shibari?

Also known as Japanese rope bondage or ‘kinbaku’, shibari is a contemporary form of rope bondage that originated in Japan, says Midori.

Simply put, shibari is the act of tying a person up for aesthetic purposes — maybe in a pretty or intricate pattern, typically by using some form of rope. And while shibari is most often used as a means for sexual pleasure, it’s historically been used as a form of meditation, relaxation, and a trust-building practice between two partners, says sexpert Gabi Levi.

You may remember that this sex practice had a little cameo on Netflix’s series Too Hot to Handle when the contestants tied each other up, but trust, it goes so much deeper than what the show depicted.

How is it different from regular bondage?

Bondage, in general, can use any kind of restriction — handcuffs, tape, ties, scarves, etc. — but shibari refers exclusively to the practice of using rope, or rope-like material, to bind yourself or a partner, says sex educator Rev. Rucifer. “Shibari is often not just about the sensation of restriction but also about the intimate connection between the rigger and receiver.”

And while rope bondage is used commonly in BDSM practices anyway, “shibari stands out for its striking visual aesthetic and emphasis on the emotional and psychological connection between the participants”, says rope artist and instructor Jonathan Ryan of Seattle Shibari.

“Shibari stands out for its striking visual aesthetic and emphasis on connection”

The history of shibari

The origins of shibari are steeped in myth and legend. Chiara says its history is lengthy and often unclear. “The wives’ tail is that it stemmed from the Edo period, being used as a form of imprisonment and restraint,” she explains. “There are also martial arts like Hojōjutsu, which also uses ropes in a restrictive way that mirrors much of kinbaku’s core elements. Along that road, with its many iterations, we eroticised it — as humans usually do with any part of human behaviour and history.”

The modern concept of shibari as we know it today — the art form of tying and being tied for pleasure — seems to have emerged from a kind of nostalgia that is culturally specific to Japan. It is a callback to the storybook-like beauty and mystery of ancient Japan. Much of modern kinbaku is based in folklore and fantasy.

garters on sexy thighs

“In the same way that kinky people of European heritage have incorporated legends and tools of medieval European incarceration, such as Saint Andrew’s Cross and shackles, into their sexual shadow play, so have Japanese folks found carnal inspiration from historical fables of their captured maidens and incarcerated heroes,” Midori adds. While in Europe, non-consensual incarceration often used metal and leather, in Japan it was usually rope. “Every culture finds its muse of sexual transgression in dark moments of its history,” she says.

Midori also stresses that sex work and adult entertainment is an important part of shibari’s history, which, she notes, can sometimes get overlooked in the culturally appropriative version of shibari that has become common in the western world today. “The thing I caution against is when imagined history paints shibari as something sacred, honorable, and secret and ignores its gloriously, deliciously messy history.”

For more on this gloriously messy history, check out Midori’s essay, “The History & Myths of Japanese Bondage: Censorship, Sex Work, and Othering in the World of Shibari”.

Understanding the different roles in shibari

There are two main roles in shibari: the rigger and the model.

The Japanese word for the rigger is ‘nawashi’, or ‘rope artist’. The model is often referred to as the ‘bunny’, ‘rope bunny’, or ‘rope bottom’. These roles often function in the same way as a Dominant and submissive in BDSM. The rigger is the Dom and the bunny is the sub.

But not always. Chiara says the ways the rigger and bunny relate to one another varies depending on what each person wants out of the scene. “In my tying, I like to make our session a collaboration, as I’m not dominant in BDSM spaces,” she explains. “I tie designs and prints on a model’s body and take them through a sensory experience. This can include pain, pleasure, sensuality, or somatic release.”

The bunny may not be the one tying the knots, but it’s still a big job. “Shibari pushes you to surrender,” Chiara explains. “Building trust, connection, and safety is a huge part from both sides, not just the rigger.” Not to mention, you have to stay perfectly still while your rigger ties you into intricate positions.

“Communication is vital for the model to express their comfort, physical limitations, and concerns”

Some folks practice in a more versatile way, shifting the roles in ways that work for them. “There are instances where people like me explore self-tying (tying oneself, also known as self-suspension) or engage in more fluid roles where both partners share tying and being tied responsibilities interchangeably,” Chiara says.

In order to have a healthy, pleasurable, and safe kinbaku experience, everyone needs to thoroughly communicate and negotiate. “Communication is vital for the model to express their comfort levels, physical limitations, and any concerns or preferences they might have regarding the tying process.”

Crucially, Chiara says it’s highly advised that you are fully trained as a rigger before practicing shibari — this stuff is actually dangerous. This isn’t your old ‘throw on some handcuffs and mess around’ kind of kink. It’s truly a cultivated skillset.

What are some misconceptions about shibari?

The biggest misconception about shibari is that people tend to paint it as a purely spiritual art form, basically ignoring the horny side that has roots in adult entertainment. “The myth that it’s precious and sacred and honorable — that’s actually sex negativity dressed in a polite bow,” says Midori. “It can be spiritual, it can be insightful, it can be romantically bonding, it can be straight up hot sex, or no sex,” she says.

When it comes to practice, Midori notes that it’s important to remember that all genders can be tied up, flagging the idea that only women are restrained as “utter nonsense”.

Additionally, while beginners should ease into it, Midori adds that shibari doesn’t always have to be this slow-paced experience. “It can be fast, messy, and sexy,” she adds.

How to try shibari as a beginner

Like engaging in any new sexual experience, communicating your boundaries and hard limits prior to beginning is a must. “Because rope bondage involves restraint and power dynamics, the person being tied may not express boundaries clearly,” says Ryan. “For that reason, be sure to have a clear discussion beforehand about what you both want out of the experience, what is on and off the table, and how you’ll communicate if there is an issue.”

It’s worth developing a safe word (like ‘pineapple’ or ‘red’) that could relay to your partner the scene is going too far or there’s a boundary being crossed. Here are some questions you should ask and answer with your partner beforehand:

What do you look and sound like when things feel good to you?
How will I know if you’re having fun?
How will I know when I need to change course?
What kind of mood or feelings do we want to have while we play (rough, tender, naughty, cared for, etc.)?

Once you have boundaries established, you should get familiar with the basics. Here are some things you’ll need to know in order to get started:

Learn how to tie a ‘single-column tie’ (like a Somerville Bowline) because that’s the foundation of the practice, suggests Ryan. Here’s a video tutorial.
Start with a floor tie rather than going straight into suspension, says Rucifer. This ensures that you practice the proper methods before jumping into in-air suspension.
Have safety shears on hand… for obvious reasons.
Make sure you have a safe and comfortable space to play. It should be familiar to both parties.
The preferred material of rope is jute because it’s a strong natural fiber, but hemp and cotton will work too.

Lastly, educate yourself with videos, resources, books, and anything else you can find on the subject to ensure healthy and safe practices. This rope bottom guide is great if you want to be the person tied up. This website offers general education about shibari from trained educators. And this how-to video can get you started properly if you’re new to this world.

Basic shibari positions

You want to start simple and, of course, have fun. “Learning a ‘two column’ tie (like wrist to wrist), a ‘single column’ tie (such as for ankles or the hip), or a simple chest harness can get you far by combining them in different ways and using them to help create the moods you want,” Midori says.

Important PSA for beginners: you do not have to integrate suspension into your shibari practice. In fact, that’s highly discouraged for beginners. Midori strongly encourages anyone new to shibari to stay on the ground.

“The reality is that suspension is difficult. It’s really hard on the body, it’s very technical, and requires hands-on training (not just YouTube!!). Accidents and injuries (including cumulative long-term effects) happen, and you need special equipment,” Midori says. “Additionally, it requires the person tying to pay so much attention to the technicality that the passion and mutual attention can take a back seat.”

If you’re just starting out, Midori suggests simply placing your forearms behind the back, to be tied at the wrists. “A basic and common one is the forearms stacked behind the back and the wrists tied together,” Midori says. “Also fun are each thigh tied to the same ankle on both legs (again with the wrists tied behind the back).”

“Important PSA for beginners: you do not have to integrate suspension into your shibari practice”

Of course, if you’re more experienced or simply curious as to what more advanced positions look like, there’s more you can do.

Shibari photographer Kent Wolfburn, aka Sensual Shibari, shares that one of his favourite positions to shoot is the futomomo, or frog tie. “In this tie, a bottom’s legs are locked in a fully bent position, calves pressed to thighs,” he explains. “It’s another classic tie for shibari photography and one that I use very often. It’s also a great tie for D/s play. It leaves a person quite exposed, and the rope provides convenient handholds for a top to control their bottom’s legs.”

As incorrect ties can lead to injury or just be uncomfortable, it’s best to start low and go slow. You can always take your favorite sex position and integrate light rope play into that. Stop at once and grab the safety shears if there’s any change in skin color, tingling, temperature changes, or any discomfort.

“You can also have a chest or body harness and wear it under your clothes for date night and enjoy some stealthy sexy shibari fun,” Midori says.

Shibari vs. bondage: which should I try?

All BDSM practices require high levels of trust and communication, but for shibari, there’s sometimes a more intimate and emotionally binding (pun intended) component to it. “The sensation of being tied up is not the sensation of being ‘trapped’ but rather lends itself to the idea of completely letting go of the physical bounds and allowing for that deep, emotional catharsis to take place,” says Levi.

“The play between the power dynamics and the release of control from the bottom to the top creates an intimate dance of trust and connection between partners. This often creates deep emotional connection, sometimes experienced as crying, euphoria, or simply a feeling of a deeper connection,” says Rucifer.

Tips, tricks, and benefits of trying shibari

Blindfolds will make everything significantly more fun. “These take the pressure off the new adventurer and enhance the sensation for the person bottoming,” says Midori.
Keep things simple and sexy. No need to overcomplicate the ties.
Relish in the untying part too — don’t just focus on the aesthetics of tying your partner. “Take your time to savour that — it’s often when the skin and body is really awake to sensuality,” says Midori.

How to learn more about shibari

If you want to learn more about shibari, Midori stresses that the best, most responsible way to do so is to take hands-on practice classes from experts who know what they’re doing. There are books available, such as Midori’s Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and Lee Harrington’s Shibari You Can Use.

Midori also recommends checking out free video tutorials on TwistedMonk.com, which teach “easy, practical, and fun skills”.

One thing to avoid? Attempting to learn purely from photography, says Midori. Don’t believe everything you see in pictures or try to replicate them! Models often have assistants for photoshoots, she cautions, adding that many images of shibari you’re likely to find online may be created and enhanced by digital editing.

It’s also worth doing some research into your local kink and sex-positive scene. Chances are there are shibari classes or meet-ups you can attend. And, if any of this sounds intimidating, know that there are tons of cute handcuffs and other bondage toys for beginners that allow for similar experiences with safety and ease in mind.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

October 27, 2024May 9, 2026

Masturbation May Help With Menopause Symptoms

“Self-pleasure offers an effective, accessible tool.”

By Korin Miller

With symptoms like hot flashes, trouble sleeping, and vaginal dryness in the mix, menopause can be a difficult experience for many women. However, there are treatment options available, including hormone therapy and lifestyle tweaks. Now, new research has pinpointed a lifestyle hack that can help women struggling with symptoms of menopause: masturbation.

That’s the major takeaway from early research released by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University on September 16. Of course, this is an unusual treatment plan and it’s understandable to have questions about how, exactly, this all works. Here’s what’s behind all of this.

Meet the expert: Women’s health expert Jennifer Wider, MD.

What did researchers find?

Researchers, who conducted the surveys in partnership with in partnership with sexual wellbeing company the Lovehoney Group and its Womanizer brand, did so over two phases. The first phase surveyed 1,500 American adults between the ages of 18 and 88 to look at overall public knowledge about menopause. In phase two, the scientists surveyed 1,500 women between the ages of 40 and 65 to learn more about their experiences with menopause.

In the first phase, the researchers found that more than 75 percent of women knew that menopause was the permanent end of having a period. However, they also discovered that very few women would identify the symptoms of menopause.

In phase 2, the researchers discovered that 36.2 percent of women going through menopause said that they had an improvement in their symptoms when they masturbated. But while one in 10 women said they used self-pleasure as the main way they coped with menopausal symptoms, 46 percent of women said they would be open to trying masturbation to relieve their symptoms if it was recommended by a healthcare provider.

Can masturbation relieve menopause symptoms?

It’s important to point out that the researchers didn’t explore whether masturbation can relieve symptoms of menopause. Instead, they found that some women said it helped with their symptoms. (But this wasn’t studied in a lab or anything.)

That said, there are some theories on why this could help. “Masturbation has been shown to improve mood, improve sleep, and promote vaginal health,” says women’s health expert Jennifer Wider, MD. “This is why it may help alleviate some of the symptoms of menopause.”

By the way, Wider says that having an orgasm via sex may create similar results in some women. “In others who are experiencing vaginal dryness, intercourse will be painful and getting to the point of orgasm may be difficult and not have the same desired results,” she adds.

“This survey shows self-pleasure offers an effective, accessible tool for menopausal symptom relief, which is important to integrate with existing care strategies,” said Cynthia Graham, PhD, senior scientist at the Kinsey Institute, added in a statement.

Do doctors recommend masturbation for menopause?

As of now, it’s not common for doctors to recommend masturbation for menopause. However, it’s worth noting that five percent of the women surveyed by the Kinsey Institute said that their doctors suggested masturbation as a possible way to manage their symptoms. So, clearly some doctors are recommending it.

Ultimately, Wider says this is worth trying if you’re interested. “This is a risk-free recommendation and has little downside— and it has potential to alleviate some unwanted menopausal symptoms,” she says.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

October 26, 2024May 9, 2026

I stopped having sex like a capitalist

— You should try it

“Now, at 29, with years of orgasm-chasing one night stands, toxic relationships and unlearning under my belt, I think I finally get it.”

By Laura Roscioli

I used to have so much energy for all kinds of sex. One night stands. Crazy kinks. All-nighters with an unexpected participant. Couples, friends, people from the internet. I think it was because it was all a bit of a mystery. I was figuring out what I liked, my sexuality, my boundaries. But I was also figuring out what it meant to be a sexual woman in a male dominated world. I was in an era of understanding how my sexuality could be empowering, rather than something that decreases my value.

I feel we’re not really told enough about sex, especially as women. We’re not taught to ask for what we want, we’re not really sure what the norm is… we just feel a lot of pressure to look a certain way and be into certain things, without asking ‘why?’. It was a lot to learn but it gave me the energy to engage with sex in a somewhat surface-level and self-focused way.

As I’ve grown into myself, my relationship with sex has changed so much. I don’t have the energy for sex that doesn’t make me feel safe and grounded. I very rarely feel that animalistic desire to consume sex to satiate a need to figure it – and myself – out, because I’m not aiming for this unachievable pinnacle of orgasm anymore. It’s not a mystery I need to solve to have good sex. But it used to be.

Back in my one night stand days, orgasms felt like the headline act. That everything I — and the person I was in bed with — did, was in the lead up to the orgasm. There were different ways to get there, of course, but really, sex was all about cumming.

It’s a lot of pressure to fully let go and have a wild, mind-bending experience in an intimate setting with someone you hardly know, in the unquestioned effort to reach an orgasm. But it’s always been part of the criteria of doing sex ‘successfully’.

“We’ve come to define ‘good sex’ as achieving an orgasm mostly through the way sex is sold to us,” says sex therapist, Aleks Trkulja. “We’ll often see porn, film and TV scenes that portray a ‘good’ sexual experience as one where people are ejaculating and orgasming.”

Aleks thinks there’s an element of capitalist mentality within it too, where even in sex, we have to “always be producing and achieving and if we’re not, we feel that somehow we’ve failed”. This rings so true to my early experiences with sex. If I wasn’t able to cum or, worse still, I wasn’t able to make the person I was intimate with cum, I felt like I hadn’t done it right.

“There’s this deeply entrenched capitalist attitude, even within a space like sex, that truthfully has no real agenda or criteria of what it should and shouldn’t look like. This pressure is damaging and creates performance anxiety.”

This is why sex can feel stressful. It’s like we’re working towards this goal we don’t really understand and it actually takes us out of the moment and into our heads, making the experience less enjoyable.

And it also becomes boring over time. If each time you have sex with someone new, you’re trying to achieve that same thing in a different way, it can feel predictable. Like, not this again! Not another night of me wondering if I’m good enough at giving blowjobs because they didn’t orgasm from it. Not another night of feeling someone figure out how they’re best going to conquer my body and give me “the best orgasm” I’ve ever had.

By the time I was single again after my previous long-term relationship, I was so done with all of that. I didn’t feel horny for sex unless it was going to be a relaxing, fun and energising experience. To me, that was what I’d come to decide good sex was.

Aleks defines good sex as “a sexually intimate experience you have with consenting adults, where you feel safe and your pleasure is prioritised”. A space that has allowed you to have “an embodied, grounded, enjoyable and curious time”.

“That definition is really important,” she says. “A lot of people assume good sex means you had multiple orgasms, your dick was rock hard the entire time etc. And it actually has very little to do with function and more to do with how safe and present you feel in your body. That you’re enjoying what you’re doing with yourself or with other people.”

Now, at 29, with years of orgasm-chasing one night stands, toxic relationships and unlearning under my belt, I think I finally get it.

You could literally just be lying down with someone, your clothes off and being stroked in a way that makes you tingle all over: that is good sex. If you’re able to create an environment that makes you feel sexually attuned with yourself, where you feel able to explore free of judgment, where you feel turned on without having to think too hard, where your curiosity and comfort, like Aleks said, is more at the forefront of your mind than your orgasm-count; that is good sex.

“Because we live in a culture and society that deeply conditions us with very intense attitudes around sex that are often embedded within shame, it can be a really difficult process to unlearn your sexual attitudes and beliefs,” says Aleks. “It’s really normal to need professional help, often because the people around you haven’t done that work and you’ll constantly be faced with those beliefs.”

However, if we want to feel empowered and energised by sex, it’s important to redefine what pleasure means to us.

“You need to learn to be present in your body and find pleasure and joy in your body, in a way that is not defined by goal-oriented achievements,” she says. “So not: I orgasmed – therefore I achieved good sex, but rather; I felt pleasure in my body, I felt safe in my body, I was curious in my body. That is good enough. It’s pleasurable.”

These feelings need to become the new indicators for what is a sexually satisfying experience – not the big ‘O’.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

October 25, 2024May 9, 2026

What I Wish People Understood About BDSM

By Emma Michelle Dixon, Ph.D.

BDSM is the acronym people use to refer to a whole variety of erotic practices involving dominance, submission, other forms of roleplay and more. Specifically: the B and D refer to bondage and discipline, and S and M to sadism and masochism. BDSM has attracted a great deal of mainstream interest since 50 Shades of Grey hit the screens. However, there is some woeful misunderstanding about what it is and isn’t.

The misunderstanding that BDSM is necessarily linked to violence or portrayed as acting against someone’s will is dangerous, as it doesn’t account for the interpersonal dynamics that make BDSM a consensual practice. And many people are unaware of the playful, consciousness-expanding, and even healing opportunities that BDSM offers. From my coaching work with clients, and from exploring my own identity as a sex-positive woman, I know that BDSM can do a lot more than just add a bit of fun to an otherwise routine roll in the hay.

Here are five things I wish more people understood about BDSM:

1. Fundamentally, BDSM is about sensation and power play.

Many don’t realize it, but BDSM is by its nature not even about “conventional” sex (i.e. involving genitals) — although it often includes play that is erotic. As you may have assumed, BDSM often includes pain (particularly pain-as-play), but it has also come a long way in recent years, and incorporates a vast number of practices that aren’t always explicitly about sex.

Sensation is often explored via impact play (such as flogging, spanking, etc.), pushing boundaries around play and pleasure, restraint, blindfolds, and objects. Power dynamics are explored through role play, such as one partner being submissive (bottom) and the other dominant (top). The words “bottom” and “top” refer to sex positions on a literal level; though these identities can also be explored psychologically. BDSM can also be as simple as playing with rope, or as complicated as a drawn out “scene” with lots of props and a scenario that participants act out.

2. You MUST have consent and safety for BDSM.

Consent and an in-depth discussion of boundaries and physical safety are the absolute hallmarks of BDSM. Safety — physical and psychological — is what allows BDSM to be everything it can be: fun, consciousness-shifting, and even healing (see below).

If you’re new to BDSM, or exploring it for the first time with a new partner, it’s absolutely necessary to discuss what you want, what you don’t want, how you will communicate “slow down” or “stop” in the heat of the moment, and how you will do “aftercare” to process it all later. This also means that you must know the signs of physical distress if you’re playing with intense sensation.

If you are not given a choice about your part in the dynamic, steer clear. It’s especially important when watching or reading fictional depictions of BDSM to understand that consent marks the unambiguous boundary between erotic play and non-consensual abuse. For this reason, it’s not advisable to dive into BDSM with strangers!

3. It can be playful!

If you’ve ever watched children play, you know that from our earliest years, we humans are drawn to exploring boundaries and roles that involve power: goodies versus baddies, cops and robbers and so on. In adulthood, we have even more options to explore this concept. Eroticism and power play happen to be a good fit.

Likewise, sensation can be an endless source of enjoyable exploration. Not to mention, exploring fantasies with a trusted partner (with discussion and consent) can be wildly entertaining! Even better is the underlying foundation of vulnerability that BDSM requires; the trust that you and your partner build from exploring these new dynamics leads to deep bonding.

4. It can be consciousness-expanding.

As sexuality educator Barbara Carellas emphasizes in her book Urban Tantra, BDSM is, like Tantra, a means of exploring consciousness. Sensation, like impact play or bondage, can leave you feeling that you are out of your body and even connected to something greater.

Surrender is so key to experiencing an expansion of consciousness. So, similarly, the experience of being submissive and just “accepting” can also lead one into an altered state. When you feel safe, and surrender, there are many ways to sink, slip, or expand into the beyond.

5. It can be healing.

Exploring sensation and power is much like a dynamic psychodrama, and one which can lead to self-realization and healing. For example, to finally take the reins of power if you have felt victimized, or to surrender if you are always in control — can be revealing and releasing.

If things go awry, and there is some kind of upset, the compassionate partner who respects boundaries can assume the role of healer. Even the most dominant, flogging, handcuff-wielding pro knows the importance of the well-timed cuddle. All the more reason to take consent and safety seriously from the beginning.

Above all, there is a reason BDSM has been central to the evolution of the sexuality movement, especially as brought to the public by the work of internationally acclaimed sexuality educators like Dossie Easton, Janet Hardy, and Barbara Carellas, for example.

BDSM, in offering such an intense context to explore eroticism, power play, sensation, and your relationship dynamics, is a rich space for personal development — as long as you play by the (agreed upon) rules!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

October 24, 2024May 9, 2026

Unpacking the term ‘queer’, its history

— And what it really means

Yes, it’s an identity, but it also conveys a sense of community

BY Sophie Saint Thomas and Rachel Varina

A quick geography lesson: whether you live in a loud and proud liberal city or a small, conservative town, queer people are everywhere. And, hi, even though we still have a long way to go in regards to equality, we are making some progress in terms of queer visibility and acceptance. That said, just because society has broadened its language and begun to embrace the spectrum of sexuality, you might still be wondering what queer actually means.

According to Elise Schuster, co-founder and executive director of OkaySo, the simplest way to define ‘queer’ is ‘not straight’. For Schuster, it’s an identity and/or orientation that doesn’t align with the heteronormative expectation that everyone’s automatically heterosexual and heteroromantic. “Queerness is about being outside of the normative,” adds psychologist, author, and speaker Liz Powell. “Queerness is about swimming upstream. It’s about your presence in a culture that is heteronormative, that is cisnormative, that is mononormative.”

Even though more identity-related words are being added to our dictionary, many folks still opt for the reclaimed term ‘queer’. Considering how many people the term describes — as individuals, a community, and even a form of political resistance — queer is a crucial word to understand and celebrate. Whether you identify as queer, want to know if it’s a label you can or should be using, or you’re trying to become a better ally, this exploration will offer everything you need to know about the definition of and history behind the term. Let’s dive in, shall we?

Which orientations fall under the queer umbrella?

Since ‘queer’ is such a broad term, it’s a little confusing to determine who, exactly, it applies to. According to Schuster, “any [orientation or identity] that’s not straight” is considered queer. “Beyond that, it’s really about if the person with that identity wants to see themselves as being part of a larger queer umbrella,” they explain.

To many, queerness encompasses an intersection of identities. Certified sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco adds that the term indicates an “individual who self-identifies as either lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer (also sometimes called ‘questioning’), intersex and/or asexual, AKA the LGBTQIA+ community.”

To keep it supes simple, if someone describes themselves as queer, it’s quite often because their sexual orientation and/or gender falls under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella rather than the heterosexual norm. That said, there are so many ways to identify as queer, so if you feel like you’re queer and want to own it, go forth with pride.

preview for Gender Identity and Sexuality Terms to Know

Does gender fall under the queer umbrella?

It’s important to remember that sexual orientation and gender are two different things. While orientation is about who you’re attracted to romantically or sexually (bisexual, lesbian, gay, etc.), gender identity is about who you are, whether that’s non-binary, a man, woman, or genderqueer. However, queer can describe orientation, gender, or both at the same time.

“This term has a triple meaning,” says NYU professor of sexuality, scientist, and writer Zhana Vrangalova. “It is meant to designate non-heterosexual sexual orientation, a non-binary gender identity, and then the third meaning is both, at the same time.”

So while gender and orientation are different, they both fall under the queer umbrella.

So… which orientations aren’t queer?

The definition of queer varies depending on who you ask, so it’s a little tricky to determine who isn’t queer. Since sexuality is a spectrum, it sometimes makes using the term polarising for bisexual and heteroflexible individuals (even though they totally count). Generally, someone who is heterosexual, heteroromantic, cisgender, and monogamous wouldn’t be considered queer — but there’s an exception

Pasciucco, for example, utilises the ‘+’ sign when referring to the queer community in order to indicate pangender or pansexual individuals and those in alternative relationship communities, such as polyamory, kink, or non-monogamy. “As a person who is mostly in other-sex relationships, not all individuals who identify as queer believe that people like me, or people in the plus [of LGBTQIA+], ought to be included in the community,” Pasciucco explains.

There has been some controversy regarding whether it’s PC for straight polyamorous people to call themselves queer. While many in these communities argue that they certainly live outside of the #tradlife norm and should therefore get to call themselves queer, critics argue that for a straight poly person to use the word unfairly piggybacks on decades of LGBTQIA+ activism to gain fundamental rights and celebrate their identities.

two individuals lie on a textured couch with one positioned sideways and the other resting their head back the person on the left is wearing a striped shirt while the other is in a light coloured jacket the surroundings feature soft lighting and plants creating an intimate atmosphere their body language suggests a comfortable connection

And the truth is, some people within polyamorous or kink communities do identify as queer even if they enjoy solely heterosexual relationships. “Just because it’s one penis and one vagina, that doesn’t mean there’s not some queer aspect of you,” queer sex therapist Kelly Wise explains.

For some, the broadness of the term ‘queer’ can be challenging, as it doesn’t offer the same precise picture that other identities, such as lesbian, paint. “I like that broad definition and the vagueness of it and the inclusivity of it,” Vrangalova says. “I personally love it as an umbrella for all of the diversity.”

That’s why it’s always best to use the labels someone chooses for themselves, even if they’re not the label you yourself would’ve used in their situation. When in doubt, just ask how someone identifies, and don’t forget to ask their pronouns while you’re at it.

Is the word ‘queer’ an insult?

The celebration and use of the word ‘queer’ is one of reclamation, since not too long ago, it was used as a slur. “Back in the day, definitely when I was growing up, the word ‘queer’ was a derogatory term,” Wise says.

Schuster adds that it was used to say someone was ‘wrong’ if they were gay or different.

It wasn’t until the late 80s that the LGBTQIA+ community adopted the term as a form of pride. “I like to think that my queer identity is me saying, ‘You thought you were insulting me, but this is actually something I love about myself’,” Schuster says.

“My queerness is about ways that I am challenging the structures of our society”

That’s partly why, for many folx, queer is also a political identity. “My queerness is about ways that I am challenging the structures of our society,” Powell explains. “And so for me, that is really where queerness lives, in the ways that you are aligning and going with structures in society or fighting it,” they say.

An important note: while the word queer is generally celebrated, some LGBTQIA+ folks still prefer to avoid it due to its discriminatory history. Schuster notes that the term hasn’t completely lost its negative potential.

“It’s safest for folks who are in the LGBTQIA+ community to use the word, especially when referring to an individual,” they explain. If you’re referring to the queer community (but you’re not a part of it), Schuster suggests just using ‘LGBTQIA+’ to avoid coming off unintentionally derogatory. And if you’re ever unsure what label someone uses or the term they prefer, politely ask them! “Like any term, it is entirely up to an individual how they want to identify and use this language,” Schuster says.

couple lesbian woman with gay pride flag on the street of madrid city

Is queer a sexual identity, a gender identity, or a community?

Queerness is more nuanced than a sexual identity or gender identity, says Pasciucco, who adds that it’s a fluid movement “beyond the binary of cisgender and heteronormativity”. As Nicole Scrivano, one of Pasciucco’s colleagues, explained in a blog post:

“As queer women, we come in a variety of forms, identities, and belief systems. Some of these identities are within sexual identities of bisexual, lesbian, gay, pansexual, etc. Some of these identities are within gender: transgender, cisgender, non-binary, femme, gender flexible, etc. Relational identities such as monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, open, etc. Queer women are on a spectrum of gender and sexual fluidity.”

Some folks who fall anywhere in the middle of the sexual orientation spectrum will describe themselves as queer, rather than bisexual or pansexual. Others will use both and introduce themselves as ‘bisexual and queer’, for instance. And, as noted, the term ‘queer’ is also used by those whose gender does not fall on the binary.

Other LGBTQIA+ folks may identify as queer for the simple reason that it’s easier to say one word when describing themselves.

So, not only is ‘queer’ used to describe sexual, romantic, and gender identities, but as previously mentioned, it can also be used to describe the LGBTQIA+ community. Wise says that in using ‘queer’ as a community term, it creates a sense of acceptance. “There’s an aspect to it that doesn’t allow for isolation.”

Ultimately, the definition of queer might be different depending on who you ask, but all the experts agree it’s a powerful word that celebrates accepting yourself and others for exactly who they are.

How do I know if I’m queer?

Considering that ‘queer’ can refer to sexual orientation, gender identity, community, politics, and, perhaps controversially, even relationship formats, it may seem like the word is up for grabs for everyone. Generally speaking, if you’re straight, cis, and monogamous, it’s probably best to leave the term for those whose identity falls outside such norms.

However, if your identity isn’t straight, cis, and monogamous, and the word queer just feels right, go ahead and use it to describe yourself and meet other queer folks. Not only will you foster a community and build a chosen family that can make the troubles and trauma that come with being queer easier, but you can continue to take back the narrative from centuries of oppression. So, cheers, allies and queers, and continue to wave your pride flag as flamboyantly as you want.

two people are engaged in a warm embrace showcasing a connection one individual wears an outfit featuring bold turquoise and blue stripes while the other is dressed in a sleek black top the background is colourful with a large mirror reflecting additional figures and patterns various objects including a rolled up item and a bag are scattered nearby contributing to the lively atmosphere

How do I find queer community?

Finding your queer community might seem daunting, but there are many avenues to explore. Start by engaging with online platforms and social media groups, using search terms like #Queer and #QueerCommunity on Instagram and TikTok.

Local LGBTQIA+ organisations and community centres also provide a plethora of resources, from support groups to social events. Attending local events, such as Pride parades, workshops, or LGBTQIA+ art exhibitions, can also be a fantastic way to meet people and foster connections within the community. Virtual communities can be a lifeline for those in smaller towns or more conservative areas, offering support and a sense of belonging without geographical constraints.

Lastly, consider reaching out to local queer bars, cafes, bookstores, and volunteer organisations. These places often serve as informal community hubs and can provide a relaxed environment to meet new people and exchange ideas. Remember, every interaction doesn’t need to lead to a deep connection, and it’s essential to respect that not every queer person will openly claim their community. Even today, it’s not safe for every LGBTQIA+ person to be out, and part of being both a good ally and/or member of the queer community is letting others decide how and when they come out. If you are in a position to do so, use your privilege to help fight queerphobia to the best of your abilities.

By understanding the diverse and dynamic nature of queerness, you can more confidently explore and engage with communities that affirm and celebrate your identity. Embrace the journey, knowing that each step you take is a move towards finding a space where you can truly be yourself.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

October 23, 2024May 9, 2026

Is ‘Death Grip Syndrome’ actually real

— And can it harm your penis?

Gripping your penis too tightly could cause some issues

Masturbation isn’t something any of us should be shy about, but when the mood strikes, some of us seize it a little too tightly.

By Alice Giddings

To put it plainly, if you’ve got a penis, grabbing it too hard while pleasuring yourself could leave orgasms further out of reach.

It’s what is known in slang terms as Death Grip Syndrome (DGS), though there’s actually no official medical name for the condition.

Some credit sex columnist Dan Savage with coining the term back in the early 2000s, but it’s also popped up in various Reddit threads over the years. It even got a formal Urban Dictionary entry in 2010.

But we wouldn’t put your physical health in the hands of public forums, so we had Dr Lawrence Cunningham tell us just how real (or not) it is.

What is Death Grip Syndrome?

‘DGS refers to the phenomenon where habitual, overly tight gripping of the penis during masturbation can lead to decreased sensitivity, and difficulty achieving orgasm through other forms of sexual activity,’ Dr Cunningham tells Metro.

The UK Care Guide doctor believes many men are unaware their masturbation habits could impact their sexual health, and let’s face it, none of us want any lingering problems just because we went a little too hard.

A composite image showing a hand holding a downturned bread roll. — DGS can lead to reduced sensitivity and sexual pleasure.

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Death Grip Syndrome may sound alarming, Dr Cunningham explains, but it doesn’t do any physical damage to the penis in the traditional sense.

The issue, he says, is when it comes to sexual stimulation: ‘The persistent use of a tight grip can condition the nerves and tissues to respond only to this specific form of stimulation.

‘This can make it challenging to experience pleasure and achieve orgasm through more typical forms of sexual activity.’

What are the symptoms?

The primary symptoms include decreased sensitivity in the penis and difficulty achieving orgasm, unless you’re gripping your member very tightly.

It goes without saying that this is going to decrease your levels of sexual satisfaction, which no one wants.

According to men’s health website Hims and medical adviser Mike Bohl, other symptoms include penile pain and anorgasmia.

The latter is a condition where you experience delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms — in other words, it’s a form of sexual dysfunction.

Dr Cunningham adds: ‘Years of consistent, tight-grip masturbation usually doesn’t lead to complete anorgasmia, but it can certainly lead to delayed ejaculation or reduced pleasure.’

The physical effects can result in anxiety and relationship issues too, so the doctor believes addressing the issue is crucial.

Is DGS common and is it reversible?

While there’s limited scientific data to say just how prevalent Death Grip Syndrome is, Dr Lawrence thinks he’s got a handle on it.

A composite graphic showing a drooping cactus in a plant pot — Death Grip Syndrome could cause a form of anorgasmia but this is unlikely

‘I believe I’ve seen a number of men who experience these issues. It’s common enough that sexual health professionals encounter it regularly, but many men may not realise it’s the root of their difficulties,’ he explains.

If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms, don’t be stressed because it’s generally treatable and ‘often reversible’.

How? Well, Dr Cunningham suggests: ‘Start with a change in masturbation habits; using a gentler touch and exploring different types of stimulation.

‘Incorporating more mindful and varied sexual practices can also help. In some cases, professional counselling or sex therapy can provide additional support and strategies to regain sensitivity and sexual satisfaction.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

October 22, 2024May 9, 2026

The Sexiest Year of My Life Involved Zero Sex

By Melissa Febos

A friend confided to me recently that she was burned out on dating. Cruising the apps in midlife felt humiliating, and she repeatedly confronted the same obstacles in her relationships.

I told her I had faced similar challenges, until I spent a year intentionally celibate. She pointed out that a year was a long time to live without intimacy. I assured her that abstaining from sex for a year was not only the best thing I ever did for my romantic prospects, it was also the most erotic year of my life.

Let me explain. Mostly, I mean erotic in the capacious sense: the sensual, embodied, vital, empowered aspects of beingness, what the writer Audre Lorde referred to as “an assertion of the life force of women; of that creative energy empowered.” Hildegard of Bingen, the sainted German nun and mystic polymath born in 1098, called it viriditas: the fecund, wet, greening power of life. But, I also do mean the explicitly physical and the sexual.

When I was in my mid-30s, a relationship in which I had completely lost myself came to a terrible end. In the merciful quiet that followed, I realized that I had been in nonstop romantic partnerships since my midteens. Over the years, friends had suggested I take some time alone, but even when I tried, my sights always locked onto someone new.

This time, I decided to take the endeavor more seriously. I would spend three months abstinent. Did my friends laugh at me? Yes, of course. I knew 90 days without sex was ridiculous to some but also that for me it was a radical decision. Quickly, I realized that my problem — that is, my preoccupation — was less sexual in nature than romantic. Even with sex and dating off the table, I had plenty left to occupy me in the realm of flirting and fantasizing.

I decided to extend my celibacy for another three months and draw some strict boundaries: no romantic activity at all. No charged friendships, no scanning the party or the street or the waiting room for the people I found attractive.

The air quality in my life changed, as if I’d opened a window. I could breathe easier. My pulse slowed. I noticed more, from the sensations of my own body to the changing light as days progressed. I hadn’t known how much energy and attention it took to be in love or looking for it.

After long consideration, I decided that my celibacy could permit masturbation. Indulging in too much of it had never been my problem. I did not compulsively seek my own physical pleasure, but more so the satisfactions of pleasing others. Even when I enjoyed it, sex had usually included some element of performance that distanced me from my own body. In both casual and long-term relationships, I often had sex when I didn’t want to. By contrast, my experience of self-pleasure had always been and remained utterly unselfconscious, never reluctant. It felt like a remedy to all the ambivalent entanglements of my past.

As the weeks passed, every aspect of my life sharpened. The delights of sleeping and waking alone, not speaking to another soul until I chose. In the absence of romantic pursuit, I came to appreciate the true love of my friendships. I had many profound and yearslong connections with other women that had evolved more complexly than those with any lover. We had weathered conflicts and seen one another through enormous changes. These relationships were characterized by a deep tenderness and mutual acceptance that I had sometimes taken for granted. Not anymore.

When I was caught in my ceaseless patterns of attachment, I could not see how it governed every aspect of my life. There were a myriad of micro-adjustments I made to accommodate the desires (sometimes only imagined!) of my partners. Little facts about myself or my days that I elided. Creative or social time that I cut short because I worried they’d feel neglected. Foods that I ate or did not according to my partners’ preferences. Subtle calibrations of my style or speech to appeal to their tastes.

Of course, some accommodation is organic to primary relationships. We make compromises and grow synchronized with our partners in both unconscious and conscious ways. But not everyone does in the way I tended to: a silent compulsion that incrementally warped my life into a shape that did not match my true self.

When my three celibate months became six I decided to keep going, without a deadline this time. I had begun to trust myself more. I had also come to know my own body as never before. Each day brought new opportunities to observe my physical experience unmediated by another person and their desires. I began eating different foods — only what I most wanted, when I was most hungry: plates of pickles and cheese at night or soup for breakfast.

My own comfort and taste became my primary guides, and I began wearing sneakers instead of heels, and watched only TV shows featuring surly female detectives. I went for long, languorous runs without my phone and took frequent naps. I found a new enthusiasm for the college classes that I taught. I was not perpetually distracted by the daily permutations of a romantic life and so brought more of myself into every room, every activity, every conversation.

During my celibate period, I undertook the project of making an inventory of all my past relationships. I wanted to study their contours and observe my own patterns in the hope of changing them. I had always thought of myself as someone who wanted to be a good partner, an agreeable person. I hated conflict and avoided it, because some desperate part of me felt that to be the object of another’s disappointment or resentment would amount to a kind of death. It turned out that avoidance — of conflict and, ultimately, truth — was itself a kind of death.

My relationship history also made clear that I had not succeeded at pleasing very many of my former partners. I would perform this self-pretzeling for a while, and then I would fill with an irresistible urge to leave them. Who wants to live in a knot? My fear of conflict made for ungraceful breakups. As a wise friend once said to me, “People pleasing is people using.”

I saw how much energy I had consolidated inside my romantic life. By removing that option, my sensual relationship to all the other aspects of my life deepened. Ultimately, after about a year, it led to a more engaged sexual life, too.

When I did start a new relationship, I understood clearly what I desired and what patterns I did not want to continue. I articulated early on that I needed a lot of alone time, and described what I liked and didn’t in bed. That celibate year was the beginning of truly enthusiastic sexual consent in my intimate relationships. What had been implicit in the past became explicit. It is no coincidence that the first person I dated seriously after my celibacy is now my wife. I am so grateful that we did not meet before I was ready.

I don’t mean to suggest that spending some time intentionally celibate will guarantee you a happy marriage, only that it might offer a space to contemplate what sort of love you want and how to ready yourself for it. And whatever the future brings, you might just have the sexiest year of your life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

October 21, 2024May 9, 2026

6 Books About Nonmonogamy

— These titles can offer insight, whether you’re polycurious or already exploring.

By Hope Reese

When Mel Cassidy first became curious about nonmonogamy, there weren’t many helpful resources. Most of the books focused on the transition from monogamy to nonmonogamy, but Cassidy, who goes by them/them pronouns, was “freshly divorced, hadn’t really dated as an adult.”

“I was winging it,” said Cassidy, who has since become a relationship coach who specializes in consensual nonmonogamy.

Recently, however, there has been an explosion of literature on the topic, including books about polyamory and other types of open relationships. And more people are interested, too: A 2023 Pew Research survey found that 51 percent of adults under 30 considered open marriages “acceptable,” and a 2016 study of single adults in the United States has shown that more than 20 percent have experimented with some form of consensual nonmonogamy.

But even as these relationship styles become more common, there are lots of details to figure out. Partners have to decide on the approach that works best for them. There are also sexual and emotional concerns to parse when bringing new partners into the mix, said Shadeen Francis, a sex and relationship therapist based in Philadelphia.

Good books can help nonmonogamous partners “develop compassion or positive empathy for one another,” said Marie Thouin, a dating and relationship coach and researcher based in the San Francisco Bay Area. They can remind you that “you’re not alone in your choice,” she added.

We spoke to more than a dozen relationship experts and researchers for their book recommendations — whether you’re in a nonmonogamous relationship or interested in exploring.

The book cover for "Polysecure" by Jessica Fern is yellow with white circles behind the text.

1. Polysecure by Jessica Fern

Insecurity often crops up in nonmonogamous relationships, Dr. Thouin said, and this title from 2020 addresses it through the lens of attachment theory, which examines how early relationships shape adult connections, especially romantic ones.

“It’s the first book I give to people,” said Michael Grey, a relationship therapist based in Irvine, Calif. Beyond helping people become more secure, he said, it also addresses how trauma can affect your love life. Your experience with trauma can influence how safe you feel within a relationship, he said, “especially in the context of nonmonogamy or polyamory.”

Ms. Fern’s book emphasizes that we have to work on our bonds, even when they’re spread among multiple partners. We shouldn’t “take each other for granted or go on autopilot,” Cassidy said. This is important, they said, because, ultimately, “it doesn’t matter what your attachment style is; what matters is how you choose to show up.”

The book cover of "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy is black on top and purple at the bottom. There is a graphic of four silhouetted people holding hands at the bottom.

2. The Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton

For Elyssa Helfer, a marriage therapist and sex therapist based in Los Angeles — and for many other experts — this book, published in 1997, was the first one they encountered on nonmonogamy. It “offers a comprehensive look at not just what nonmonogamy is, but how it can be practiced,” Dr. Helfer said, with a “big emphasis on consent and safety.”

The advice in this book, which presents tools for working through jealousy, applies to both those who are new to nonmonogamy and those who have been practicing it for a while.

It also “encourages people to explore their sexuality freely without guilt, shame or repression,” said Dr. Grey, helping people shed the stigma of having more than one romantic partner. “It’s about how to build trust and maintain integrity in your relationships,” he said.

The book cover for "Monogamy? In This Economy?" by Laura Boyle is dark purple with yellow text.

3. Monogamy? In this Economy? by Laura Boyle

Ms. Boyle presents lots of good advice for addressing practical challenges that often arise when polyamorous partners are living with one another, said Kathy Labriola, a nurse and counselor in Berkeley, Calif.

Published in 2024, the book offers “the pragmatic side of things,” said Sam Allen, a clinical assistant professor at the Family Institute at Northwestern University. It can help readers think through choices like which partners live together and how to parent children, he said.

Though complications can arise, Ms. Boyle highlights the benefits of nonmonogamy, Dr. Labriola said. “Living with multiple adults means that the family has more people contributing income,” she said.

The book cover of Opening Up by Tristan Taormino features of photo of two people holding hands. The background color is a gradient of orange to white.

4. Opening Up by Tristan Taormino

For anyone who wants to explore more about the ethics of nonmonogamy, this is a great pick, Ms. Francis said. “Opening Up,” first published in 2008, examines topics like “disclosing your number of partners, your sexual health status, how you handle sexual health and how you introduce additional partners into your dynamic,” she explained.

Meant for couples who want to move beyond their dyad, the book is broken into three parts that tackle creating a relationship style and dynamic you want and sustaining it long term, said Jeremy Shub, a sex coach and educator based in Berlin.

“It’s not dogmatic or shaming, but offers a lot of invitations for reflections,” said Ms. Francis, who added that it’s a great book to read with your partner.

The book cover for "Love's Not Colorblind" by Kevin Patterson is black with white text. The word "color" is in rainbow colors.

5. Love’s Not Color Blind by Kevin Patterson

Mr. Patterson is an educator who launched Poly Role Models, a series of interviews that highlight people’s experiences with polyamory. His 2018 book is a “brilliant sociological commentary,” exploring issues of race in nonmonogamous communities, said Dr. Helfer, who listed it as required reading for one of her courses.

“Stories about nonmonogamy tend to focus on young, fairly wealthy or middle-class white, cisgender people, in particular, and white heterosexual people,” Ms. Francis said. “To see yourself reflected in a narrative that is outside of that,” she added, “is an invitation to consider the ways that race and ethnicity and identity impact the ways that we date, the ways that we build communities, the ways that we love, and the ways that we create relationships.”

The book cover for "Multiamory" by Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren, and Emily Sotelo Matlak is purple with a graphic of a wrench holding a heart behind the text.

6. Multiamory by Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren and Emily Sotelo Matlack

Written in 2023 by three educators who host the “Multiamory” podcast, this book addresses common issues that pop up in the early stages of nonmonogamy, Ms. Francis said. For example, many couples deal with logistical challenges like time management, which can be addressed by using shared calendars, she said.

The advice found in “Multiamory” extends beyond nonmonogamous relationships, offering “good communication tools for all relationships,” Cassidy said. The authors provide formulas and “microscripts,” that couples can use to talk about issues that arise. A script can be “really helpful in having difficult conversations,” Cassidy explained. “It can empower you with a little more courage.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

October 20, 2024May 9, 2026

No Kink-Shaming Allowed

— Why You Shouldn’t Judge Others’ Sexual Desires

Never yuck someone’s yum.

By Gigi Fong

Kink-shaming is the act of making someone feel less than or problematic for their sexual desires. To some, the act of your partner putting a collar around your neck during sex or spanking you in the bedroom is a definite no. To others, these may be the sensual highlights of their week. That’s the beauty of individual differences.

In the world of kink, there’s always something new to explore, so approaching kink with an open mind is key. Remember, kink is consensual sexual play, so if all parties are of age, give enthusiastic consent and practice kink safely, one should refrain from shaming it.

How kink-shaming became the norm

The act of kink-shaming is rooted in centuries of sex-negative behavior. As the world has viewed sex as taboo for centuries, a whole slew of problematic behavior became the norm.

Take hysteria and the creation of the vibrator for example. In the earliest history of sex toys, vibrators were used as a method of shaming women and handling their “hysteria.” What was hysteria, you ask? Undesirable behavior like depression, lack of sexual appetite and a “tendency to cause trouble.” Doctors basically started prescribing women the use of vibrators as a “marital aid.” Essentially, if you weren’t getting your husband off, you would be prescribed a vibrator to “fix your issues.”

Why is kink-shaming bad?

Shaming others for their desires isn’t one isolated negative moment. People internalize shame and carry that weight for years. It causes emotional, social and physiological stress due to people feeling ostracized from their communities and never being able to live authentically sexually. Imagine the stress that comes with not being able to simply have a good orgasm because of shame. Kink is meant to be invigorating and freeing. Who are we to deny people of that pleasure?

How can you avoid kink-shaming?

Like with becoming more sex-positive, the best way to curve that negative thought process is by educating yourself. Educate yourself on the experiences of others, have consensual conversations with others about what they enjoy about intimacy, sex and kink if they’re comfortable.

Avoiding kink-shaming is essentially becoming more sex-positive. It’s seeking to understand, not to judge. It’s important to ask yourself why your immediate reaction to new experiences is to judge and shame.

Remember, you’re human

No one is perfect. No one is 100% unproblematic. After all, the term “get with the times” exists for a reason. We all have some learning to do, and when it comes to being sex-positive, unlearning kink-shaming is a necessary step.

Remember, kink is an act of sexual freedom and creativity, as long as you and all parties have given consent.

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