Category: Sexual Performance Issues

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Low libido, intercourse pain, orgasm problems?

— Sexual-health doctors are trying to help

Some Canadian doctors aim to address what they call near-total lack of support for women’s sexual health

By Brandie Weikle

A small number of Canadian doctors specializing in women’s sexual health are trying to address what they say is a near-total lack of support for those suffering from common problems such as low libido, difficulty achieving orgasm and pain during intercourse.

“In terms of the juxtaposition with men’s sexual functioning, we are behind and it’s really frustrating,” said Dr. Stephanie Finn of Oakville, Ont.

Finn is one of five Canadian doctors trained by the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH), based in Burnsville, Minn.

While help for male sexual dysfunction has been widely available since erectile dysfunction drug Viagra burst onto the scene — approved for use in Canada in 1999 — women’s sexual health has remained largely shrouded in secrecy.

“When’s the last time your doctor has asked you about your clitoris? Like never, and that’s fascinating, right? We ask men all the time about their penises and their function, sexual functioning and such,” she told White Coat, Black Art.

I think that there is generally a lack everywhere of interest in women’s sexual functioning, and I’m happy to say that I think that’s beginning to change.”

A woman stands in front of an exam chair in a doctor's office.
Dr. Stephanie Finn is a family doctor focusing on women’s sexual medicine.

Originally a family doctor, Finn found that so many of her female patients needed help with sexual issues that she decided to focus on sexual medicine, opening her clinic about a year ago.

Part of that work is simply teaching women about their bodies, she says.

“It is really common for women to have almost no understanding of their own anatomy,” Finn said.

“I’ve had women who really haven’t a good idea about where their clitoris is. I’ve had people say, ‘Oh, I’ve always wondered,’ and sometimes I’m slightly surprised by that response in women who are in their 50s.”

Finn offers her patients the option of holding a mirror while she gives them a guided tour of their genitalia. Or she’ll use a 3D model to show patients things such as how the clitoris is actually a wishbone-shaped organ, with only the clitoral bulb visible externally.

An illustration of the parts of the vulva.
Parts of the vulva.

A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2023 found that the bulb has around 10,000 nerve endings. That’s compared to about 7,800 at the tip of the penis, according to a paper published in the same journal in February.

A culture of shame

Some of that knowledge gap and reluctance among women to seek help for sexual-health issues is tied to cultural shame, says Dr. Stephanie Hart from Okotoks, Alta., another ISSWSH-trained family doctor.

In North America, vaginas are dirty. Like, I actually had somebody say that to me yesterday,” said Hart, who opened her specialized clinic in 2019.

For some women, that’s simply because they are grossed out by bodily fluids, including those that come out of the vagina, she says.

An exam chair inside a doctor's office.
A chair used for gynecological exams in Finn’s clinic. Many women are uncomfortable with speaking openly about sexual health.

But for others, it’s a morality issue: “You know, ‘sex is shameful.’ That’s a very common attitude that I see people [have]. And kind of unsurprising that people would then have sexual dysfunction when they feel that way about it.”

Despite people’s difficulty talking about their sex lives, these clinics are busy. Hart says she sees 250 new patients every year in her practice, 75 to 80 per cent of them being women, but is referred around 400.

“So every six months, I’m another three months behind.”

Finn said she sees about 15 new patients every week at her Oakville clinic.

A model of a vulva.
Finn often shows her patients a model of a vulva to help familiarize them with their own anatomy.

Most Canadian women do not have access to a doctor who specializes in sexual health. Existing clinics where women have traditionally sought care for sexual health are focused on contraception and infection, says Hart.

These kinds of clinics refer patients to her when they bring up difficulties like pain during sex or low libido, Hart says, as do specialists such as gynecologists.

Help for low libido

Carolina Jara, 57, says she used to be a very sexual person, but since menopause, her libido has tanked.

“My libido went somewhere. I don’t know, maybe back home,” joked Jara, who is originally from Peru but lives in Vancouver.

She says she’s worried about how that can impact her relationship with her husband of eight years. And that part is not a laughing matter.

A close-up of a woman with white earrings and a red top.
Carolina Jara, 57, says she used to be a very sexual person — but now, she is suffering from low libido.

“He still wants it, but I don’t get ignited, I don’t get an orgasm for many years. So it feels more like a duty, more than something that I enjoy.”

There are two medications approved for use in Canada that can be used to increase sexual desire in women: a pill called flibanserin, and a self-injectable called bremelanotide.

Unlike Viagra, which is used on an as-needed basis and acts by increasing blood flow to the penis, both of these drugs impact the brain chemicals that influence mood and sexual appetite. Flibanserin must be taken daily and has been shown to have serious potential side effects.

A pink pill is seen on a piece of paper that shows part of the Sprout Pharmaceuticals logo.
Flibanserin, pictured above, is one of two medications approved in Canada that can be used to increase sexual desire in women.

Critics have argued that libido problems are more a matter of mismatch between the sexual appetites of partners that would be better addressed with relationship counselling.

A non-medical tool for addressing low libido or difficulty achieving orgasm is a class of sex toys sometimes referred to as clitoral suction devices.

“We have wonderful studies actually now showing improved clitoral blood flow and pelvic floor blood flow using these devices,” Finn said. “We know they can make a huge difference for women when they are attempting to achieve orgasm.”

Pain during sex

But sexual-health issues are by no means the exclusive domain of older women, says Finn, whose patients range in age from teenagers to octogenarians.

Talia Steele, 34, suffered for years from pain during sex, stemming from a series of problems that started with a common urinary tract infection.

Woman with shoulder-length curly hair smiles at the camera.
Talia Steele says she had some early negative experiences with male doctors and felt her problems weren’t treated with sensitivity.

Eventually she got surgery to address the issues. But all the poking and prodding, and her history of painful sex, has had lasting effects.

“There’s always that bit of anxiety, never being able to be fully in the moment, always in your head about what’s going on,” said Steele, who is married and also lives in Vancouver.

“Even though I don’t have that pain, those feelings and thoughts still enter my brain at times, and it can be challenging to try new things or come out of my comfort zone.”

Greater Victoria’s Sex Lady discusses sexual health and how teaching it has evolved

One of the challenges with getting care for women’s sexual-health issues is that there’s no established medical specialty for them.

“You take these women with pain [during] sex, for example, and you send them to the gynecologist who would say, ‘Well, it’s not endometriosis,’” Hart said. That might be the end of the road if the doctor doesn’t know about other options that might help.

Hart says she’s on a mission to teach other doctors how to help, starting with asking patients the right questions.

“Like, actually ask if somebody has pain with sex and then know what to do about it if the person says yes. Because patients won’t always volunteer the information if they don’t know that there’s something that can be done.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I stopped having sex like a capitalist

— You should try it

“Now, at 29, with years of orgasm-chasing one night stands, toxic relationships and unlearning under my belt, I think I finally get it.”

By Laura Roscioli

I used to have so much energy for all kinds of sex. One night stands. Crazy kinks. All-nighters with an unexpected participant. Couples, friends, people from the internet. I think it was because it was all a bit of a mystery. I was figuring out what I liked, my sexuality, my boundaries. But I was also figuring out what it meant to be a sexual woman in a male dominated world. I was in an era of understanding how my sexuality could be empowering, rather than something that decreases my value.

I feel we’re not really told enough about sex, especially as women. We’re not taught to ask for what we want, we’re not really sure what the norm is… we just feel a lot of pressure to look a certain way and be into certain things, without asking ‘why?’. It was a lot to learn but it gave me the energy to engage with sex in a somewhat surface-level and self-focused way.

As I’ve grown into myself, my relationship with sex has changed so much. I don’t have the energy for sex that doesn’t make me feel safe and grounded. I very rarely feel that animalistic desire to consume sex to satiate a need to figure it – and myself – out, because I’m not aiming for this unachievable pinnacle of orgasm anymore. It’s not a mystery I need to solve to have good sex. But it used to be.

Back in my one night stand days, orgasms felt like the headline act. That everything I — and the person I was in bed with — did, was in the lead up to the orgasm. There were different ways to get there, of course, but really, sex was all about cumming.

It’s a lot of pressure to fully let go and have a wild, mind-bending experience in an intimate setting with someone you hardly know, in the unquestioned effort to reach an orgasm. But it’s always been part of the criteria of doing sex ‘successfully’.

“We’ve come to define ‘good sex’ as achieving an orgasm mostly through the way sex is sold to us,” says sex therapist, Aleks Trkulja. “We’ll often see porn, film and TV scenes that portray a ‘good’ sexual experience as one where people are ejaculating and orgasming.”

Aleks thinks there’s an element of capitalist mentality within it too, where even in sex, we have to “always be producing and achieving and if we’re not, we feel that somehow we’ve failed”. This rings so true to my early experiences with sex. If I wasn’t able to cum or, worse still, I wasn’t able to make the person I was intimate with cum, I felt like I hadn’t done it right.

“There’s this deeply entrenched capitalist attitude, even within a space like sex, that truthfully has no real agenda or criteria of what it should and shouldn’t look like. This pressure is damaging and creates performance anxiety.”

This is why sex can feel stressful. It’s like we’re working towards this goal we don’t really understand and it actually takes us out of the moment and into our heads, making the experience less enjoyable.

And it also becomes boring over time. If each time you have sex with someone new, you’re trying to achieve that same thing in a different way, it can feel predictable. Like, not this again! Not another night of me wondering if I’m good enough at giving blowjobs because they didn’t orgasm from it. Not another night of feeling someone figure out how they’re best going to conquer my body and give me “the best orgasm” I’ve ever had.

By the time I was single again after my previous long-term relationship, I was so done with all of that. I didn’t feel horny for sex unless it was going to be a relaxing, fun and energising experience. To me, that was what I’d come to decide good sex was.

Aleks defines good sex as “a sexually intimate experience you have with consenting adults, where you feel safe and your pleasure is prioritised”. A space that has allowed you to have “an embodied, grounded, enjoyable and curious time”.

“That definition is really important,” she says.  “A lot of people assume good sex means you had multiple orgasms, your dick was rock hard the entire time etc. And it actually has very little to do with function and more to do with how safe and present you feel in your body. That you’re enjoying what you’re doing with yourself or with other people.”

Now, at 29, with years of orgasm-chasing one night stands, toxic relationships and unlearning under my belt, I think I finally get it.

You could literally just be lying down with someone, your clothes off and being stroked in a way that makes you tingle all over: that is good sex. If you’re able to create an environment that makes you feel sexually attuned with yourself, where you feel able to explore free of judgment, where you feel turned on without having to think too hard, where your curiosity and comfort, like Aleks said, is more at the forefront of your mind than your orgasm-count; that is good sex.

“Because we live in a culture and society that deeply conditions us with very intense attitudes around sex that are often embedded within shame, it can be a really difficult process to unlearn your sexual attitudes and beliefs,” says Aleks. “It’s really normal to need professional help, often because the people around you haven’t done that work and you’ll constantly be faced with those beliefs.”

However, if we want to feel empowered and energised by sex, it’s important to redefine what pleasure means to us.

“You need to learn to be present in your body and find pleasure and joy in your body, in a way that is not defined by goal-oriented achievements,” she says. “So not: I orgasmed – therefore I achieved good sex, but rather; I felt pleasure in my body, I felt safe in my body, I was curious in my body. That is good enough. It’s pleasurable.”

These feelings need to become the new indicators for what is a sexually satisfying experience – not the big ‘O’.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is ‘Death Grip Syndrome’ actually real

— And can it harm your penis?

Gripping your penis too tightly could cause some issues

Masturbation isn’t something any of us should be shy about, but when the mood strikes, some of us seize it a little too tightly.

By

To put it plainly, if you’ve got a penis, grabbing it too hard while pleasuring yourself could leave orgasms further out of reach.

It’s what is known in slang terms as Death Grip Syndrome (DGS), though there’s actually no official medical name for the condition.

Some credit sex columnist Dan Savage with coining the term back in the early 2000s, but it’s also popped up in various Reddit threads over the years. It even got a formal Urban Dictionary entry in 2010.

But we wouldn’t put your physical health in the hands of public forums, so we had Dr Lawrence Cunningham tell us just how real (or not) it is.

What is Death Grip Syndrome?

‘DGS refers to the phenomenon where habitual, overly tight gripping of the penis during masturbation can lead to decreased sensitivity, and difficulty achieving orgasm through other forms of sexual activity,’ Dr Cunningham tells Metro.

The UK Care Guide doctor believes many men are unaware their masturbation habits could impact their sexual health, and let’s face it, none of us want any lingering problems just because we went a little too hard.

A composite image showing a hand holding a downturned bread roll.
DGS can lead to reduced sensitivity and sexual pleasure.

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Death Grip Syndrome may sound alarming, Dr Cunningham explains, but it doesn’t do any physical damage to the penis in the traditional sense.

The issue, he says, is when it comes to sexual stimulation: ‘The persistent use of a tight grip can condition the nerves and tissues to respond only to this specific form of stimulation.

‘This can make it challenging to experience pleasure and achieve orgasm through more typical forms of sexual activity.’

What are the symptoms?

The primary symptoms include decreased sensitivity in the penis and difficulty achieving orgasm, unless you’re gripping your member very tightly.

It goes without saying that this is going to decrease your levels of sexual satisfaction, which no one wants.

According to men’s health website Hims and medical adviser Mike Bohl, other symptoms include penile pain and anorgasmia.

The latter is a condition where you experience delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms — in other words, it’s a form of sexual dysfunction.

Dr Cunningham adds: ‘Years of consistent, tight-grip masturbation usually doesn’t lead to complete anorgasmia, but it can certainly lead to delayed ejaculation or reduced pleasure.’

The physical effects can result in anxiety and relationship issues too, so the doctor believes addressing the issue is crucial.

Is DGS common and is it reversible?

While there’s limited scientific data to say just how prevalent Death Grip Syndrome is, Dr Lawrence thinks he’s got a handle on it.

A composite graphic showing a drooping cactus in a plant pot
Death Grip Syndrome could cause a form of anorgasmia but this is unlikely

‘I believe I’ve seen a number of men who experience these issues. It’s common enough that sexual health professionals encounter it regularly, but many men may not realise it’s the root of their difficulties,’ he explains.

If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms, don’t be stressed because it’s generally treatable and ‘often reversible’.

How? Well, Dr Cunningham suggests: ‘Start with a change in masturbation habits; using a gentler touch and exploring different types of stimulation.

‘Incorporating more mindful and varied sexual practices can also help. In some cases, professional counselling or sex therapy can provide additional support and strategies to regain sensitivity and sexual satisfaction.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexual fantasies

— Should you share them with a partner?

Your brain is your best sexual partner.

By , &

The actor Gillian Anderson has just released a book of sexual fantasies. Titled Want, it catalogues a diverse range of fantasies submitted anonymously by women from around the world, writes Dr Jade Elliott, senior lecturer in psychology at Liverpool John Moores University et al.

It is not the first to do so. In 1973, American author Nancy Friday published My Secret Garden, a volume that provoked fierce debate at the time and is now considered to be an important milestone in the sex-positive movement. Each book gives a fascinating snapshot of women’s relationships with their own sexuality at a different moment in history.

Though attitudes, vocabulary and specific fantasy content have undoubtedly changed in the intervening half-century, there are striking similarities between the books. This is not only true of the subject matter — workplace flings and group sex are apparently timelessly appealing — but also of how people feel about their fantasies. Shame, in particular, continues to loom large in many women’s feelings about their own erotic imaginings.

Past research indicates that most adults (of all genders) experience sexual fantasies, suggesting many of us have grappled with the question of whether to tell a partner about ours. Over the past four years, we have been conducting research that explores this question: how do people decide whether to disclose their sexual fantasies – and what happens when they do?

An act of closeness

The women featured in both My Secret Garden and Want vary considerably in the degree to which they have chosen to share their fantasies with a partner. Some describe passionate relationships enhanced by the disclosure and enactment of erotic fantasies, while others intend to take their favourite fantasy to the grave.

We were interested in understanding the psychology of such radically different approaches. In a study published earlier this year in The Journal of Sex Research, we asked 287 people to reflect on a recent or prominent sexual fantasy. We found that over 69% of participants had previously disclosed their fantasy to a partner. Of those, more than 80% found this to be a positive experience.

Unsurprisingly, participants commonly cited sexual desire as their main reason for opening up. For example, many said they had shared their fantasy with a partner in the hope that they could act it out together. Others reported that they found talking about sexual fantasies arousing, or that discussing secret desires allowed them to learn more about their partner.

Several participants explained that they valued honesty and openness and that the level of trust and commitment in their relationship made them feel safe to share their fantasy with their partner.

Not all reasons for disclosing fantasies were positive, however. Some said they disclosed their fantasy in a last-ditch attempt to spice up an unsatisfying sex life.

The power of shame

Among the group who had chosen not to share their fantasy, many cited its content as the primary reason. Consistent with accounts in both My Secret Garden and Want, several of our participants were ashamed of their fantasy, or felt it to be too extreme or taboo to share with their partner.

Some — especially those whose partners had not responded well to similar conversations in the past — were worried they would receive a negative response that could cause problems for their relationship. We also heard from several people who explained that, put simply, their fantasies were private joys that they had no desire or intention to discuss with anyone.

In a series of follow-up studies yet to be published, we explored some of these ideas in more depth. One important finding is that relationship traits are a key predictor of whether a person will disclose their fantasy. For example, disclosure was more likely in relationships that already involved large amounts of sexual novelty and exploration.

We also confirmed that the content of a fantasy is critical to a person’s decision about whether to share it. Anything that is likely to be considered unacceptable by a partner or is otherwise potentially threatening to the relationship (such as a move away from monogamy), is unlikely to be disclosed. Indeed, even among participants who had previously shared a fantasy, we found over half also had at least one more that they were unwilling to divulge.

While our findings suggest that people who choose to tell their partner about their erotic daydreams usually get a good response, we also found that the process by which people reach that decision can be complicated. Some people have very good reasons for keeping their fantasy to themselves.

Hopefully, Want will help to reduce some of the shame associated with the very common experience of fantasising about sex. But its similarities to a book published 50 years earlier suggest we may still have a long way to go.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Scheduled Sex Can Be Sexy, According to Esther Perel

— The famed relationship therapist says a little premeditation can be a great way out of a relationship rut.

By Erin Bunch

My relationship recently hit a milestone described by Esther Perel as the “fatal erotic blow”—my partner and I transitioned into parenthood. In our experience so far, the famed sex and relationships therapist’s gloomy framing of life after baby has been spot on. Since the birth of our son, sex has completely disappeared from our relationship, with no sign of return. Desperate to maintain that part of myself, and of us, I recently suggested to my partner that we start scheduling sex dates. His response (by text) was: calendar emoji + eggplant emoji + gravestone emoji. In other words, he gave the idea a hard (or rather, soft) pass.

Such resistance to the concept of scheduled sex is not uncommon, Perel herself tells me weeks later when we meet by Zoom to discuss her two new on-topic couples courses, “Playing with Desire” and “Bringing Desire Back.” While nobody thinks scheduling a softball game will detract from the pleasure of playing softball, she says, people feel differently about sex. “Somehow it’s entered into people’s heads that sex should be natural, it should just happen.” she says. “It should just come out of nowhere, envelope me, take me over, and burst out of me.”

My partner, I tell her, definitely struggles with the belief that sex is only good if it’s organic, and she says this mindset is setting us both up for failure. “If you think desire is just this thing that sustains itself on its own—it’s spontaneous, unprompted—you will be disillusioned,” she says. “Good sex over time is premeditated. It’s willful, it’s conscious, it’s intentional.”

Hence, the sex date, the scheduling of which Perel says does not, as my partner fears, imply your relationship is more or less over. On the contrary, she says that when a couple sets aside such time together, it actually demonstrates a promising level of care for the relationship. “The sex date is something that confers importance,” she says. “It says it matters. It says we don’t wait for when we are completely in the mood. It says we meet, and we don’t just meet for the perfunctory meeting. We meet and we can create something special.”

But Perel says turning a to-do, even a sexual one, into anything but a “perfunctory meeting” requires effort and forethought. Sexy sex dates don’t just happen, and her advice for transforming what could be rote into an erotic experience goes far deeper than lingerie and candles.

Step One: Build Anticipation

To begin with, she says, couples must endeavor to create an atmosphere of anticipation around the scheduled rendezvous. Since this isn’t a given—clearly, my partner wouldn’t exactly be drawing hearts around the date on his calendar—it requires what Perel refers to as foreplay, which is much more involved than a few moments of physical warm up prior to intercourse. “Foreplay actually starts at the end of your previous orgasm,” she says.

Here, foreplay means anything that creates “a shift in mindset signaling availability.” It’s flirtation, sexual tension, playfulness—the creation of a vibe between you and your partner. “People think they can scratch the back of the other person and they will be hot and aroused,” says Perel. “But can you do a little more? Can you seduce me? Can you play with me? Can you send me a little note?”

If it’s helpful, she suggests imagining things you might do for a lover rather than a partner. “[With a lover], you’re engaged in a plot. You’re writing a story. It has moods, it has imagery. It has a whole world to it,” she says. And if this is starting to sound like a heavy lift, rest assured that gestures such as a flirty text or small sexy gift can suffice. The key is just to get both parties excited about the scheduled time, so that it feels less like a to-do and more like an I-can’t-wait-to-do-you.

Step Two: Design Rituals

Next, Perel says it’s important to “infuse” the sex date with rituals. Doing so, she explains, helps signal that the event is unique, special, and significant. “Routines create consistency, but the ritual is what gives creativity and intentionality to the routine,” she says.

Your ritual or rituals can be anything, and it doesn’t have to be complicated, just consistent. Maybe you always open your favorite bottle of wine, for example, or put on a specific playlist. “It’s a small thing,” says Perel.

Rituals can also be designed to help you switch from caretaking mode, or career mode, or whatever your daily default mode may be, so that you can tap into your erotic, most alive self. As a new parent, for example, she tells me my ritual could include a shower, a massage, or “anything that brings the woman out from behind the mother.”

Step 3: Ask Yourself Perel’s Favorite Question

To further prepare for your date, it might be helpful to ask yourself one of Perel’s go-to questions for clients, which is “What turns you off?” or “What shuts you down?”

“People will tell you, ‘I turn off when I’m worried, when I’m anxious about money, when I feel like I’m not doing well at work, when I struggle with money, when I feel bloated,’” she says. “It has not much to do with sex, per se. It has to do with life. ‘I’m not alive when…’.” The answers to this question can then help you understand what needs to be left at the door.

On the flip side, asking yourself what turns you on, what helps you feel present and alive, can also help, says Perel. “‘I turn myself on by’ is not the same as ‘what turns me on is’ or ‘you turn me on when’,” she says. Instead, it’s about owning your own desire. “So the question is, ‘How do you make yourself available?’ How do you give yourself permission? How do you make yourself present?”

Without this intel, Perel says, you can tell your partner what works for you, but it probably won’t work. “You won’t respond because you’re not in it. You’re not present,” she says. And while your honest answer may be something along the lines of ‘a first-class ticket somewhere tropical,’ the key is to think of smaller, more achievable turn-ons that will ease you into a more erotic headspace, e.g. a wax, a cocktail, or a compliment from your partner.

Step 4: Understand What Creates Desire

While desire is complex, Perel offers a recipe of sorts, which is “curiosity plus risk.” Curiosity, she says, helps mitigate the less-than-sexy feeling of familiarity. “Curiosity is a key ingredient of eroticism, and that is, ‘Who is this person’ What do they think? How do they experience things? What does coffee taste like to them?’,” she says. Such curiosity often dies as two people enter a place of safety and security together, but she says rediscovering it can help you rediscover passion for your partner. “The need for familiarity is absolutely real, but it cannot be at the expense of no longer having the discovery, the exploration,” she says. “If you don’t have curiosity, you choke the erotic.”

And while you may think you know everything about your partner, Perel says this is an illusion. “We don’t have to create the mystery, the unknown, the discovery,” she says. “It is right in front of us—we just have to engage with it.”

Risk, meanwhile, is a related concept, as it’s also about breaking free of the familiar and stepping outside of your comfort zone as a couple. “If you do the things you enjoy that are familiar to you, then you have good friendship, consistency, reliability. It brings cuddle, not sizzle,” she says. “If you want sizzle, you have to go and create things together, experience new things together, experience yourself differently from how you usually experience yourself in the presence of that person.”

For Perel, risk doesn’t have to take the shape of, say, nonmonogamy. She describes it instead as a combination of novelty and playfulness. “Novelty creates uncertainty, and the creation of uncertainty in the midst of familiarity is unbeatable,” she says. “So what does this mean? It’s not big productions. It’s just doing something you’ve never done together.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Men Are Openly Admitting The One Thing They Wish Women Understood Better About Their Sexual Needs

— “Sometimes, I wanna be the pillow princess.”

By Raven Ishak

“Men, what’s one thing you wish women understood better about male sexuality?”

1.”Lack of erection does not equal lack of interest.”

2.”I want to be seduced. Don’t take for granted that I’m always 100% ready to go at the drop of a hat. Sometimes, I wanna be the pillow princess.”

“I’ve told women this, and it blows their mind. So many beautiful women have never once thought about how to seduce a man past dressing cute. They’re like, ‘Well, I’m here!’”

3.”We like our partners to communicate what they like and don’t. Communication is sexy.”

4.”Don’t use sex as a reward system. I want you to want it because you like it, not as a treat or chore or whatever.”

“Yes! I’ve told my wife more than once that ‘transactional’ sex or offers of sex are a complete turnoff.

Flirting with me while I’m doing something and saying I should come find you once I’m done? That shit is amazing. Telling me if I do task ‘X’, then we might have sex later makes me feel like you really have no interest in affection.”

5.”If I’m not constantly messaging you, it’s not because I don’t care, it’s that I feel secure about us and want to save any news for some quality time in person — not a constant, distracting stream of largely meaningless messages.”

6.”As someone with severe performance anxiety, if I haven’t had sex in a while, it can be very hard to get it up. It’s not that I’m not turned on, and it’s not that you’re anything less than gorgeous; it’s just that my anxiety is preventing me from getting an erection at this moment, and the more I think about it, the worse it’ll get. Just let me go down on you for a while, and we’ll see if it happens. Lol.”

7.”Not all men are like a light switch and are ready to get right to the action immediately. Intimacy and foreplay are a core part of the experience.”

8.”I just wanna be a little spoon once in a while. That shit feels nice.”

“My partner and I usually cuddle for a bit, then turn over and sleep back to back when we’re ready for actual sleep. Sometimes I wake up, and she’s on me like a jetpack, and it just feels so good in my heart.”

9.”There’s a huge difference between orgasm as a physical release (i.e., one-night stand, masturbating) and an orgasm with someone you are emotionally close to. I can jerk off a bunch of times in between having sex, but I need to have sex with my partner in order to be emotionally and mentally fulfilled.”

10.”We can have body image problems. You grew up looking at models who starved themselves to look that way. We grew up looking at action heroes with 0% bodyfat, steroid inflated muscles, who are so dehydrated they can smell water. The body standards for us were just as unrealistic and unhealthy, and it’s nice to hear that we don’t have to be that to be attractive.”

11.”Do not be a people-pleaser in the bedroom. I’d be so hurt to find out I don’t actually know what you like. I am trusting when you give me a ‘hell yes, I love that,’ you’re being honest. It can result in this really frustrating, shameful outcome of knowing you can’t satisfy her but also don’t even know what you’re doing wrong. I can handle reality if I’m not making you cum. I want to improve, so even if you want to tap out or I’m too tired, I want to continue improving. I want to make you feel good, too.”

12.”Blue balls is not a serious condition. Don’t let anyone pressure you into sex, especially with that as an excuse.”

“Or to continue sex, you no longer consent to. There’s no rule that says you have to finish what you start. Consent is revocable by either party at any time.”

13.And finally, “I just want back scratches. You’re only allowed to stay near me because of your nails. I’ll pay for it. But you need to pay the toll. A little to the left. Down. Down. Left. Riiiiiiight theeeeere.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 Men’s Sexual Health Questions That Are Too Embarrassing to Ask

Sometimes asking questions about sex can be embarrassing—even for adults. Here are questions ranging from alcohol and sex to ejaculation disorders. Sometimes asking questions about sex can be embarrassing—even for adults. Here are ten common questions men ask their Men’s Health providers at University of Utah Health ranging from alcohol and sex to ejaculation disorders.

1. Do Different Sex Positions Increase or Decrease Chances of Pregnancy?

No. Regardless of what sexual position you use, vaginal sex can cause pregnancy.

2. Can I Drink Alcohol With Viagra and Cialis?

Yes, there will not be a bad interaction between the two. Keep in mind that when you drink alcohol, your erection may not be as firm and the medication may not work as well.

3. Is There a Surgery That Can Increase the Size of My Penis?

Even an implanted penile prosthetic will not increase the size of your penis. If you are overweight, getting to your ideal body weight will help restore some of the length you have lost since gaining weight.

Many men will ask about injections to add girth and if there is a procedure to increase penis length. The AUA (American Urological Association) considers fat injections (to increase penile girth) and suspensory ligament division surgery (to increase length) to be unsafe and ineffective.

4. Is My Penis Average in Size Compared to Other Men?

This is a question that is hard to answer, and one that many men wonder about. There are many different techniques to measure penis length, including the amount of force the clinician uses to stretch the penis.

Also, some men will see a significant change in penis length once it is erect. Others will notice that their penis only becomes more rigid. There is not a number that men should set as their benchmark.

Some medical conditions and surgical procedures can reduce the length of your penis. We cannot always restore the length you lose.

The biggest take-home for patients regarding this is to keep a healthy weight. Get care if you feel like your erections are not rigid enough or if you have other concerns about your penis.

5. How Long Should My Erection Last During Sex?

The answer to this question is completely different per person. There is not a standard time that all men should be able to maintain an erection.

For most men, the goal is to get an erection that is rigid enough for penetrative sex and that lasts until both partners are satisfied. We counsel patients that if an erection has lasted over three to four hours and is painful, they should get care with the nearest emergency room. This condition is called priapism.

6. What Is Considered Premature Ejaculation?

There is not a standard amount of time that an erection should last before ejaculating. The AUA defines premature ejaculation as “ejaculation that occurs sooner than desired, either before or shortly after penetration, causing distress to either one or both partners.”

There is not a lab test that can determine this. This diagnosis is made based on a patient’s report and a physician assessment. Treatment options are available. Your provider can help you decide which is best for you.

7. You Don’t Ejaculate After an Orgasm—What Causes This?

Various surgeries or medications can cause a man not to ejaculate after an orgasm. This is called anejaculation. The semen can also go backwards into the bladder, which is called retrograde ejaculation. Common causes of anejaculation can be associated with:

  • Prostatectomy or other prostate procedures such as transurethral resection of the prostate (TURP)
  • Taking Flomax (Tamsulosin)
  • Diabetes
  • Nerve injuries

8. Are Orgasms and Ejaculation Different?

Yes. Typically, an orgasm is the pleasure you experience while ejaculating. Men can have an orgasm without ejaculation. Men can also ejaculate before orgasm. Additionally, it’s possible to have an orgasm and ejaculation without an erection that is satisfying for sex. These conditions can have various causes, some that can be identified and treated, and others that can’t.

9. How Much Ejaculate Should I Have?

Ideally, men should have at least 1.5mL of ejaculate. This is equal to 0.304 US teaspoons, so it is not a large volume. As men age, the amount of ejaculate begins to decrease. If you notice a big difference suddenly, you’ll want to contact your provider.

It’s OK to have more, but if you are noticing significantly less over time, especially during the time you are trying to get pregnant, you should see a urologist.

10. Is a Curved Penis Normal?

Some men have a slightly curved penis that has been present for quite some time. If it is not painful and does not bother you, that is normal. If it’s painful or bothers you, then make an appointment with a men’s health doctor. Your doctor will evaluate your condition and discuss your treatment options.

If you notice a new curve to your penis and that bothers you with either pain or appearance, be seen by a doctor. This curve can impact your erections, which is another element that can be evaluated and treated.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What a sex therapist wishes all couples knew

— Desire doesn’t have to dwindle in long-term relationships, says Dr Stephen Snyder. Here’s the advice he gives married couples in his clinic

By Anna Maxted

How do you keep the passion alive when you’ve been with your partner for decades? Dr Stephen Snyder, the therapist and author whose book Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship is a bestseller, has the answers. Having worked with hundreds of married couples over 30 years, he explains why desire often dwindles over the years — and how to rekindle it.

Don’t expect sex to knock your socks off every single time

If you ask people to recall the greatest sex of their life, most will admit that it wasn’t in the context of a committed relationship. More often they’ll recall something novel, unexpected, or possibly even forbidden. There is something uniquely thrilling about the first time you get naked with someone.

If you seek that kind of thrill within a committed relationship, as many do, you’re likely to be disappointed and frustrated. I tell couples in my clinic, don’t compare apples and oranges. Better if you can learn to listen carefully to your own arousal, and to the particular feeling your partner arouses in you. I don’t think of it as a “spark” — that word is too dramatic. Pay attention to that vibration, and be open to hearing it. You never know where sexual inspiration will come from. Don’t try to control it.

Don’t schedule a time for sex

Many sex therapists advise couples to just “put sex in the diary”. I think that’s a recipe for bad sex. It’s like making a dinner reservation, but when you get to the restaurant you’re not hungry. Instead, I recommend couples schedule a time to go to bed together to do nothing at all. Allow yourself to shift from your ordinary state of mind. You don’t always have to be “doing”. Take a breath and feel the air. If you’re feeling something, maybe express it to your partner. Or turn to them and say: “Hey, talk to me, what’s going on with you?” But keep it simple. Focus on the here and now.

In sex therapy, we call this the 2-Step, where Step 1 is cultivating awareness by going to bed with no agenda except to do absolutely nothing. That gets you ready for Step 2, where you let yourself become physically aware of your partner and notice any erotic feelings that might arise. Stay in the moment, if you can. Don’t try to arouse your partner. Just experience them — their voice, the scent of their hair, the way they feel in your arms and on your lips. You don’t need to feel desire to 2-Step, just a willingness to go wherever it might take you.

If you want lust to last, appearance matters

In my practice, what I hear most often from women is that they like their man to be diligent about grooming. He doesn’t have to be impeccably turned out just to watch TV on a Tuesday, but there’s no reason a man can’t be careful about how he presents himself, even if it’s just getting a nice haircut and trimming ear hair, nose hair, and eyebrows if they’re unruly, and maybe investing in a nice new set of boxers. And what about weight gain? It’s a sensitive subject, but it can matter. How lucky that near vision deteriorates in midlife. Every couple over 40 should have a dimmer switch in the bedroom, since none of us looks quite as good as when we were teenagers.

Truth is, most women in my practice say they’re turned off if a man has a pot belly, which is where most men tend to put on weight. But I haven’t seen much success with women telling their husbands to do sit-ups and watch their diet. That doesn’t seem to work any better with a man than it does with a woman, and it certainly won’t put your partner in the mood for sex. Instead, I recommend for a woman to lie him on his back, where his belly won’t look so prominent. Get on top, and focus on the parts of him that you do like.

Women like to feel passionately desired

Desiring a woman is more than just wanting to have sex with her. Most women crave a kind of erotic attention that has nothing to do with penetration or orgasm. It’s more likely to be from a shared look across a room, or in the moments before a first kiss. At its most intense, it’s feeling irresistible. That’s what makes erotic novels compelling for many women: the hero finds the heroine irresistible. He can’t stop thinking about her. So many women in my practice tell me they need to feel strongly desired. But that’s a tall order when you’ve been together for a long time, you’re busy with work and kids, and you both probably value a good night’s sleep more highly than sex.

I advise husbands, whenever you feel sexually attracted to your wife, don’t waste the moment. Act on it. Let’s say she’s in the kitchen wearing something nice, or changing, or just out of the shower. If you feel drawn to her in that moment, walk over, take her in your arms and hold her like you mean it — which of course you do. Kiss her passionately, inhale the scent of her hair, and say: “Did I ever tell you how attracted I am to you?” Most women in relationships say they need that show of desire more than they need sex.

Accept your partner for who they are

A wise old sex therapist colleague once asked me: “Why do women get bored with their husbands but not with their dogs?” I suspect it’s because most women accept that their dog is just a dog, but many have trouble accepting their husband for who he is. Some women tend to think of their male partner as a project, or a work in progress, and they forget to be thankful for what they’ve got. Most men are like cactus flowers — they don’t need much watering to bloom. Sometimes it’s best to leave your list of projects to the side and find something about your husband to enjoy or appreciate.

Be connoisseurs of your arousal

The happiest lovers savour arousal wherever they find it, whether it’s with a partner, alone, or through fantasy. They pay attention to what their arousal feels like. And happily, since taboos around female pleasure and sexuality have fallen away — and sex toys have improved — fewer women worry about having an orgasm through penetrative sex, making it easier to relax and enjoy the moment.

Cultivating arousal can be like learning to enjoy good wine. You begin to notice its components, like how arousal grabs your attention and makes you forget about non-essential things; how it makes you regress to a more spontaneous version of yourself; and how it touches your core sense of being. Many people spend lots of energy trying to produce strong arousal, as if that’s something you can control. Established couples who have good sex understand that there’s a passive element to it, as if you are riding a wave.

Remember to enjoy each other

In my practice I often ask women what they crave most in lovemaking. For some it’s a feeling of “surrender” with a partner who knows how to take charge. They appreciate a certain kind of male energy — confident, decisive and fully engaged. Many relationships start out with plenty of it, but as time passes the man runs out of steam and becomes inert and lacking in initiative. When couples like this are in treatment, the male partner will sometimes tell me he feels nothing he does makes her happy, so he withdraws to protect himself — which definitely makes her unhappy. And so her unhappiness and his lack of confidence just keep reinforcing each other in a vicious cycle.

The truth is that many men are quite sensitive to their partner feeling disappointed. It’s often worth reminding a man that a woman’s disappointment doesn’t have to be a calamity. It’s worth reminding her to enjoy him for who he is, rather than complaining about who he’s not. Male or female, deep down we all need to be enjoyed. Many men start manifesting confident male energy again once they feel their partner really appreciates them.

Most long-term committed couples don’t get excited together unless they’re going to have sex, which is an enormous mistake. This is a fork in the road early in a relationship. Once the fever of having sex passes, you’re faced with the decision whether to go right or left. Almost everybody goes left; they keep desire toned down, unless sex is on the menu. They don’t wear anything sexy to bed, they don’t play footsie under the table in a restaurant. It never occurs to them that arousal might have independent value. Why save it just for sex? The happiest couples, meanwhile, enjoy feeling turned on together just for its own sake, even if it’s just for a minute or two, even if they’re not going to have sex.

In sex therapy, we call this “simmering”. It’s what most of us did as teenagers — passionately kissing in the hallway between classes, then hearing the bell ring and darting off in opposite directions, feeling deliciously buzzed. In most adult relationships, the simmering is at least as important as the sex — if only because it’s easier to find time for. I suggest, whenever you might ordinarily kiss your partner, consider simmering them instead. Instead of waving them off to work with a peck on the cheek, simmer them goodbye. Hold them tight, feel their body, maybe rumple them up a bit, then send them on their way. And men, if you’re watching TV and your wife comes to kiss you goodnight, grasp her around the waist, pull her down to you and hold her tight. It may well lead to something more later — but it doesn’t have to.

Take responsibility for your own orgasm

Many women still think that if their male partner gets an erection, they’re responsible for relieving him of it. This makes no sense, since no one should ever feel obliged to do anything in bed they don’t want to do. What’s more, we men like being aroused. It’s not painful and if nothing sexual happens, an erection simply goes down. So if you’re lying in bed with your man and he gets excited, it’s totally fine to say: “Nice to know you’re happy to see me, but I’m really tired. OK if we just simmer for a minute, then go to sleep?”

Sometimes, though, he’ll crave an orgasm — just like sometimes a woman might crave an orgasm. He could always go to the bathroom to deal it himself, but it’s cold and lonely in there. The sexually happiest couples tend to compromise with something we sex therapists call “lazy sex”. They kiss, he holds her passionately with one hand, and with his other hand gives himself an orgasm. Some couples tell me they’ve always done this, especially when they were new parents and exhausted, or because their libidos don’t always align. Other couples, when I mention lazy sex, look at me as if I have three heads; as if taking a vow of marriage means swearing never again to touch your own genitals in bed. Obviously that’s a misreading of the marital contract.

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Let’s Talk About Sex and Cancer

— A cancer diagnosis can change your sex life, but patience, experimentation and communication can help you get back on track.

By Liz Highleyman

Sexuality is an important part of life that contributes to overall well-being. Getting a cancer diagnosis, undergoing treatment and becoming a survivor can affect sexual desire and function. Surgery, radiation and chemotherapy not only alter the body, but they can also change how patients—and their partners—feel about their bodies and about sex.

“Sexuality is not synonymous with sexual activity. It covers intimacy, desire, arousal, orgasm and satisfaction,” says Don Dizon, MD, director of the Pelvic Malignancies Program and the Sexual Health First Responders Clinic at Brown University Health Cancer Center. “When it functions normally, we don’t think about it, but when something negatively affects who we are sexually and how we experience pleasure, it can be quite distressing.”

Research suggests that as many as 90% of people with breast, gynecological or prostate cancers experience difficulties with sexual desire or function. For women, the most frequently reported problems include vaginal dryness or atrophy and pain during intercourse (dyspareunia). For men, erectile dysfunction is a common problem. People of any gender may experience loss of sexual desire (libido) and difficulty reaching orgasm.

Treatment for breast, cervical, ovarian or prostate cancers may involve removal of the ovaries or testes or use of hormone therapy to slow the growth of tumors with estrogen, progesterone or androgen (male hormone) receptors. This can put younger women into sudden menopause and can cause numerous side effects for postmenopausal women and men as well. In an effort to prevent cancer recurrence, such treatment may last for years.

But sexual problems are not only a concern for people with cancers that affect the reproductive system. Surgery or radiation for any type of cancer in the pelvic region can lead to scarring and damage to organs, nerves and blood vessels that play a role in sexual function. Treatment for anal cancer can impact the sex lives of gay men and others who enjoy anal sex. Some people with bladder or colorectal cancer will need an ostomy bag to collect urine or feces. One bright spot, however, is that the recent trend toward active surveillance, less invasive surgery, more targeted radiation therapy and lower medication doses can lessen negative outcomes.

Beyond the direct physical effects, cancer and its treatment can also take an emotional toll. Chemotherapy, other cancer medications and radiation can cause side effects such as fatigue, nausea and pain that can leave people uninterested in sex. Hair loss or weight changes due to chemotherapy or removal of a breast can lead to self-con­sciousness or a poor body image. And simply facing cancer can trigger stress, insomnia, anxiety and depression, all of which can kill the mood.

Often, the cancer experience brings couples closer together, but sometimes it can drive them apart. Partners might have a hard time understanding a lack of sexual interest and may need time to adapt to changes in appearance and function. Some partners may withdraw emotionally or fear that sex will cause harm. What’s more, changing roles—for example, when a spouse becomes a caregiver—can affect sexual relationships. Single people may have concerns about when to bring up cancer while dating, and they may be hesitant to start new relationships if their prognosis is uncertain.

“Sometimes cancer can make a relationship stronger. My partner was so loving and supportive, I fell more in love. But for some, it’s a deal-breaker,” says Annie Sprinkle, PhD, a former adult film star and current performance artist who holds a doctorate in human sexuality. “Cancer is going to change you. You have to accept that, and your partner has to accept it.”

Sprinkle was diagnosed with early breast cancer about 20 years ago and had lumpectomies, radiation and chemotherapy, which caused “instant menopause.” Years later, when she got scans after a car accident, doctors found signs of lung cancer, and she underwent surgery again. In characteristic fashion, Sprinkle and her partner, University of California Santa Cruz art professor Beth Stephens, PhD, made cancer a theme of their art.

Cancer patients and survivors can take steps to improve their sexual desire and function before, during and after treatment. Patience, experimentation and communication are keys to a better sex life.

For women, estrogen replacement therapy may improve menopausal symptoms, but this is often not possible for those with hormone-driven cancers. Estrogen creams or vaginal rings can relieve dryness and irritation without increasing the risk for cancer progression or recurrence. A recent study showed that Addyi (flibanserin), a drug that helps balance neurotransmitters in the brain, improved sexual desire, arousal and satisfaction for women with breast cancer. Modern breast surgery techniques are less likely to cause lasting changes in mobility and sensation. Most women have reconstructive surgery after breast removal, but going flat is also an option.

For men, decisions about testosterone replacement therapy to revive a flagging libido can be a balancing act between managing symptoms and minimizing the risk of cancer recurrence. For some men, drugs like Viagra (sildenafil) or Cialis (tadalafil) are effective for treating erectile dysfunction. Penile injections, inflatable implants or vacuum pumps may also be an option. Some experts recommend “erectile rehabilitation,” or regular use of medications and vacuum pumps to achieve an erection even when sex is not desired.

For everyone, eating a balanced diet, getting enough exercise, maintaining a healthy weight and getting adequate sleep contribute to overall quality of life, including sexual well-being. Studies have shown that aerobic exercise, pelvic floor exercises, yoga and meditation can help improve libido and sexual function. Exercises that strengthen the pelvic muscles, in particular, can reduce pain during intercourse, prevent urine leakage during sex and lead to firmer erections.

Time and patience can go a long way. Some sexual symptoms are likely to improve after treatment is completed. Nerves and blood vessels injured by surgery or radiation can sometimes repair themselves, but this can take months or even years. Give yourself time to heal before resuming vaginal or anal sex. Due to a waning libido, sex may not be as spontaneous as it used to be. You might need to plan ahead for when you have more energy or to give erectile dysfunction meds time to work. Adapting to physical and emotional changes can be a prolonged process for both the person with cancer and their partner.

“I like to say, the only answer to any question about sex is, ‘It depends.’ That’s spot-on when it comes to sex and cancer,” Sprinkle says. “Parts of your body might be numb or nervy or have scar tissue, or you can’t have weight on top of you. Forget everything and do it your way. There’s no right way—there’s just what works for you.”

Experimentation is key. Before resuming sex with a partner, it might be helpful to explore your own body and its changing sensations to figure out what feels good—or doesn’t—now. Tune in to novel sensations, and try new positions that might be more comfortable. Some people may choose to wear sexy clothing to hold a breast prosthesis in place or cover a chemo port or ostomy bag. Lubricants can relieve vaginal dryness—many different types are available. Likewise, there’s a wide variety of vibrators and other sex toys to try. Men who are unable to have an erection can usually still experience sexual sensations and learn to achieve orgasm without ejaculation. If intercourse is not possible, explore other ways to maintain intimacy. Your sex life may be different than it was before cancer, but it can still be pleasurable.

“Sometimes people have too narrow a definition of sex,” says Sprinkle. “Get out of the idea that sex is only about intercourse. Find what turns you on. If nothing does, at least have sensual pleasure, like massage or cuddling. Anything can be sex if it gives you pleasure or you find it sensual or erotic. Your sex life can become your pleasure life.”

Open communication is among the most important factors, both between partners and between people with cancer and their health care providers. Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling physically, mentally and emotionally. Discuss what you want out of your sex lives and how to satis­fy both of you. If this is difficult, a marriage or couples counselor or sex therapist might be able to help.

Early in your journey, have frank discussions with your care team—doctors, nurses, mental health therapists and social workers—about how cancer and its treatment could affect your sexual well-being and how to prevent or ameliorate problems. Some cancer centers have sexual health specialists and offer sexual rehabilitation programs. Forewarned is forearmed.

Unfortunately, a majority of cancer patients report that they did not receive adequate sexual health information before, during or after treatment. In part, this is due to a stereotype that older people are not interested in sex. Finding appropriate information can be especially challenging for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. For their part, most oncologists say they never received training in managing sexual problems. Patients often say they don’t want to make their doctors uncomfortable, while doctors say they don’t want to make their patients uncomfortable. Don’t be afraid to make the first move.

“Sexuality does not have to be another part of one’s life ‘lost’ to cancer,” says Dizon. “To avoid conversations around sexuality after cancer robs people of the opportunity to fully participate in a domain that defines us as human beings.”

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You’ve Heard Of 69, But What’s 68?

— Your Guide To The Sex Position

By Amanda Chatel

There’s a good chance you’ve heard of the 69 position, maybe even before you could really wrap your brain around the concept. The position — two bodies on top of each other, facing opposite directions, and simultaneously stimulating each other orally — can be a hotly debated topic amongst friends. There are people who love 69-ing and those who’ve realized not only is 69-ing not for them, but they completely loathe the position. Luckily, we live in a world of options, one of which is a little something called the 68 position.

“The [68] position is a very relaxing one, you are actually laying there to receive rather than being expected to do something in return,” certified sex and relationship psychotherapist Gigi Engle tells Cosmopolitan UK. “A lot of the time, when women and people with vulvas have problems with orgasm, it’s because they don’t think that they have an entitlement to pleasure, due to the way that they have been socialized to be givers and to always be servicing other people,” says Engle. “This position really lends itself to just laying back and enjoying.”

To get a better understanding of the 68 position, Women exclusively talked to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, sexpert for Lovers sexual wellness brand and retailer. If you’ve never heard of this gem of a position, then here’s everything you need to know.

How 68 differs from 69

The biggest difference between the 68 and 69 positions is that only one person is being orally stimulated. But similar to 69, your bodies are still stacked and facing opposite directions. One partner lays down on their back, while the other partner lays on top of them, facing the opposite direction, but face up. Each partner should have their feet firmly on the ground with their knees bent and legs comfortably spread enough to receive oral sex. It may take some experimentation the first time around, but every sex position takes a bit of work when initially explored.

“People may find the 68 position better than the 69 because of multiple reasons,” Stewart tells Women. For starters, height differences between partners can mess with alignment of the genitals and mouths for 69-ing, she says. There’s also the matter of trying to get your head in the game during 69-ing, which for some people can be near impossible. “If they’re unable to multitask, the 68 is ideal because they only have to be concentrating on one kind of behavior,” says Stewart. “It’s also helpful if you just want to concentrate on your pleasure without any distractions like genitals in your face.”

Advantages to 68 sex position

The biggest advantage that the 68 sex position has to offer (and is the real selling point), is that each partner is able to concentrate better while giving oral, as well be more present while receiving, Stewart says. There’s also the fact that 68 allows for a “spectacular view,” she points out. Let’s be honest, during 69-ing your partner’s genitals are so close to your face that your sense of sight is pretty much deprived. All you can really see is just flesh and more flesh, and not the particulars. For people who need visual stimulation to become aroused and stay aroused, 69 just doesn’t do it. But with 68, it’s all right there — and not just your partner’s genitals, but their body and face too. It can be really sexy to make eye contact with your partner during oral sex — something you never get in the 69 position.

How to truly enhance the experience

Despite the fact that only one person is giving oral in the 68 position, both partners can still stay active. It takes two to tango, which means that just because you’re not giving oral, it’s not okay to mentally check out. When you do, you’re denying both you and your partner what can be a really intense and intimate experience.

“You should always be active unless your role is to be passive,” says Stewart. “As an active person in the sexual experience, that means that you are giving feedback (moans, talking, etc.) to let your partner know how you’re feeling.” After all, communication (all forms of it) keeps the momentum going and allows both partners to know that they’re on the same page.

If your partner is new or it’s a one-night stand, be sure to communicate beforehand as well. Having sex with someone you just met can be really exciting, like opening a gift, but because sex is an umbrella term for so many sexual acts, you want at least a glimpse of what you’re both into — especially if there’s the possibility of having to navigate a kink gap. “Know which tactics that they have as sexual assets that will titillate your partner in the ways that they like,” says Stewart. “Being able to connect to your lover authentically is a great way to foster trust, safety, and security.” Also, don’t forget to tackle the consent chat before you do anything.

Things to consider before diving into 68

Not every body is able to move in the exact same way, and it’s important to keep that in mind whether you’re planning to 68, 69, do it doggy style, or try some super advanced position you come across in the Kama Sutra. Just because something exists, it doesn’t mean everyone can (or should) do it. “When doing [the 68] position, keep in mind your physical limitations and be cognizant of your physical abilities,” says Stewart. “Nothing is worse than getting into a position you think you like and then having it be ruined by a body part that is too achy or unable to withstand the sexual experience.”

It’s also worth noting that sex-related injuries are far more common than you might think. According to a survey by Superdrug Online Doctor, a whopping 62% of people in a roughly 1,000-person survey reported injuring themselves during sex. Among the sex positions most likely to result in an injury? Doggy style — for people with vulvas and people with penises. So ease your way into the 68 position, make sure both you and your partner are comfy, then let the oral stimulation commence.

6 Reasons Why 69-Ing May Not Be The Best Sex Position For You

Somewhere down the line, every person is introduced to the 69 position. In most cases, they hear about it first and, depending on your age and sexual experience, the mere idea of it can be perplexing. We’re talking about a position in which two people are facing opposing directions — as in head-to-toes — and giving each other oral sex at the same time. Why? Who came up with this? As if it weren’t hard enough to garner the necessary stamina and confidence to be on top, let alone this.

Like a lot of sex positions, this one goes way back. It appears in the Kama Sutra, which was written somewhere between 400 BCE and 200 CE, and is explained as “When a man and woman lie down in an inverted order, with the head of one toward the feet of the other, and carry on this congress, it is called the Congress of a Crow.” But how the name evolved from “congress of a cow” to 69 can be attributed to, of course, the French — leave it to the French to come up with a pretty term for anything sex-related. At the beginning of the French Revolution a sex manual entitled “The Whore’s Catechisms” was published and in it, this notorious position was renamed “soixante-neuf,” the French translation for sixty-nine. And the name stuck.

Although there are those who love 69-ing, for many it’s not a great position for a slew of reasons. If you don’t love, or even like 69-ing, you’re not alone.

Height differences

It’s pretty rare that you come across a couple who are the exact same height, especially in cishet relationships. However, if two people want to pull off a 69 and make it enjoyable enough to be an almost-perfect situation, then being the same height is key. Granted, a couple of inches in height differentiation aren’t a big deal, but if you’re five-foot and your partner is six-two, that’s quite a disparity and 69 isn’t likely to be the best fit for you two.

“69’ing is not actually ‘nice,’” a Reddit user wrote. “If both partners aren’t well-matched in how tall they are, it just doesn’t work well … One person lies on the bottom and is kind of crushed. If you don’t orgasm simultaneously, it’s just awkward.”

Although there’s the debate that if you perform 69 on your sides, there’s no crushing involved even if the two partners aren’t remotely close in height, it can still be tricky. If you and your partner have a mismatched height situation, then skip 69.

It involves too much multi-tasking

Some people aren’t multitaskers. They don’t have it in their DNA and that’s fine! If the world were full of only multitaskers, far too much would be accomplished and, honestly, we don’t really need that. The 69 position is multitasking and then some. Just think about the position and what it entails from both partners: attention to detail, being totally present, and trying to offer up some really great oral sex while also trying to focus on your own pleasure.

“Female perspective: There’s too much going on at once,” wrote a Reddit user. “It’s almost impossible to concentrate if the other person is doing a good job. If the other person isn’t doing a good job then why bother with bells and whistles for them if they are just lapping at you like a thirsty dog drinking water … It’s a totally overhyped sex position.”

Contrary to the belief that cis men are into 69-ing, this Reddit comment got a very apropos response: “Male here and I 100% agree with you,” wrote the Reddit user. “I can’t speak to fellatio, but I know cunnilingus takes some concentration to be done well. So 69 is like doing math problems while on a roller coaster: you won’t enjoy the coaster and you’ll f*** up the math. It’s better for everyone involved to just take turns … I put 69 in the same category as shower sex and beach sex. They sound nice on paper but are typically disappointing in practice.” There’s no sense in giving and receiving mediocre oral sex when you can give and receive fantastic oral when you subtract multitasking from the scenario.

It’s not orgasm-friendly

As the Reddit users pointed out, with all that’s going on, concentration goes out the window. When that happens, having an orgasm is hard for both partners — no matter if they’re penis owners or vulva owners. Even if your end game in 69 isn’t focused on climaxing, your brain is still immersed in things that you normally wouldn’t be thinking about if you and your partner partook in oral sex one at a time.

For example, there’s all that lovely face-smothering that can make breathing a bit of a challenge. Then there’s that distracting lapping and sucking sound that, when oral is performed on each person one at a time, isn’t as noticeable because there are things like moaning and being able to lose yourself in the moment fully. During 69, you can become overly aware of things you wouldn’t normally even notice. For those with a vulva, trying to orgasm is often difficult enough.

“[The media] has been guilty of telling women how orgasms are supposed to happen,” clinical psychologist and sex educator Lawrence Siegel told Healthline. “To have an orgasm you have to be able to let go and allow it to happen, which is an issue for a lot of people … People wonder if they’re pleasing their partner enough, or they get self-conscious about their own bodies in certain positions. Porn is a big misconception about how people are ‘supposed’ to look, feel, and react during sex. And a lot of that is fake.” If you’re someone who struggles to orgasm with a partner or without one and want to orgasm with your oral sex, then 69 probably isn’t for you.

You can’t communicate

According to a 2018 study published in Sex and Marital Therapy, ultimate sexual satisfaction is directly linked to communication — this includes both verbal and non-verbal. But when you’re 69-ing, you can’t verbally communicate (for obvious reasons), nor can you non-verbally communicate, again, for obvious reasons. It’s not exactly the most forgiving position when it comes to movement that would let you non-verbally communicate to your partner that you’re enjoying a technique, disliking something they’re doing, or if they moved their tongue a little to left, things would feel much better. You’re sort of trapped in a locked-in position, both mouths full of genitals, and minimal ability to communicate what you want to tell them.

People who like to talk during sex and feel comfortable expressing what they’re experiencing, giving direction, or are open to receiving direction, aren’t likely to find satisfaction in 69. Sure, you can “uh-huh” with your throat, but that’s about it — especially if your bodies are really close and you have a penis in your mouth that you have to struggle to get out of your mouth to say even one word. Also, if you’re not awkward about dirty talk and are really into it while being intimate, it’s definitely not happening during 69.

It can actually leave you with some pain

Two words: neck pain. Anyone who’s ever tried 69 laying down, either one on top of the other or side-by-side knows that neck pain, if you hold the position too long, is a given. Certain parts of the body aren’t made to be held in specific positions for extended periods of time, so when these areas are pushed to the limit, pain inevitably follows.

According to a survey of over 1000 Europeans and Americans by Superdrug Online Doctor, 62% of people reported experiencing sex-related injuries at some point in their life. Although doggy style appears to be the most dangerous for those with vulvas and missionary the most precarious for penis owners, 69 is also on the list. As the survey found 2.6% of penis owners and 1.4% of vulva owners have been victims of 69ing gone awry. While the survey didn’t say how these injuries occurred or what they were, they still happened. There’s also the risk of an over-excited person wielding their penis in a way that can get a little aggressive.

“It’s not uncommon for an enthusiastic penis-haver to press down a bit too far into their partner’s mouth, restricting airflow and causing a bit of discomfort,” sex and relationships therapist Stefani Goerlich, LMSW-Clinical, LISW told Insider. If you’re accident-prone, already have some aches and pains that you’d prefer not to add to, or you’re a big fan of breathing while engaging in sexual activity, then maybe look toward other sex positions instead of 69.

It’s not conducive to summer weather

As you’ve probably noticed, people get horny in the summer. We have the sun, more skin showing, holidays, and just a general upbeat attitude about life as a whole. So, naturally, sex is on the brain for a lot of people — and research proves it. According to a 2013 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, a five-year-long analysis found that once summer rolls around, Google searches for porn, prostitution, and online dating skyrocket. The study noted that the findings further prove that seasonal trends around STIs, condom sales, and abortions increasing as well. But while many people may be in the mood to get it on, there’s one position you shouldn’t get into when things are hot and sweaty.

“The 69 position is best avoided because it obviously means bodies are super-close together, rubbing down,” sex expert Ruby Payne told LadBible. “And even if you do it on the side, there’s more contact with the bed fabrics … Stick to the ‘unmutual’ kind of oral in a heatwave.”

That’s right; a sex expert has actually advised against summer 69-ing. If July and August are your months to sexually shine before Labor Day, then 69 isn’t for you. But guess what? That’s totally okay! Despite what we see in porn, most people aren’t 69-ing all the time. In fact, a 2015 survey by Uncovering Intimacy found that only 17% of people favor the 69 position for oral sex, while 46% prefer laying on their back with their partner between their legs. So there you go — you’re not alone and there are many of us, so you’re in fabulous company.

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