Sex Advice With An Edge
By
How do I talk dirty? Are people actually having safe oral sex? How can I explore dating and sexuality in my 60s?
Dr. Carol Queen is an author, sex-positive activist, and the staff sexologist at Good Vibes. This week she joins Myisha to take on your questions about dirty talk, anilingus, and exploring dating and sexuality in your 60s. Plus, hear which of your dating horror stories left us truly mortified.
Complete Article 
HERE
!
By Amanda Chatel
There’s a good chance you’ve heard of the 69 position, maybe even before you could really wrap your brain around the concept. The position — two bodies on top of each other, facing opposite directions, and simultaneously stimulating each other orally — can be a hotly debated topic amongst friends. There are people who love 69-ing and those who’ve realized not only is 69-ing not for them, but they completely loathe the position. Luckily, we live in a world of options, one of which is a little something called the 68 position.
“The [68] position is a very relaxing one, you are actually laying there to receive rather than being expected to do something in return,” certified sex and relationship psychotherapist Gigi Engle tells Cosmopolitan UK. “A lot of the time, when women and people with vulvas have problems with orgasm, it’s because they don’t think that they have an entitlement to pleasure, due to the way that they have been socialized to be givers and to always be servicing other people,” says Engle. “This position really lends itself to just laying back and enjoying.”
To get a better understanding of the 68 position, Women exclusively talked to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, sexpert for Lovers sexual wellness brand and retailer. If you’ve never heard of this gem of a position, then here’s everything you need to know.
The biggest difference between the 68 and 69 positions is that only one person is being orally stimulated. But similar to 69, your bodies are still stacked and facing opposite directions. One partner lays down on their back, while the other partner lays on top of them, facing the opposite direction, but face up. Each partner should have their feet firmly on the ground with their knees bent and legs comfortably spread enough to receive oral sex. It may take some experimentation the first time around, but every sex position takes a bit of work when initially explored.
“People may find the 68 position better than the 69 because of multiple reasons,” Stewart tells Women. For starters, height differences between partners can mess with alignment of the genitals and mouths for 69-ing, she says. There’s also the matter of trying to get your head in the game during 69-ing, which for some people can be near impossible. “If they’re unable to multitask, the 68 is ideal because they only have to be concentrating on one kind of behavior,” says Stewart. “It’s also helpful if you just want to concentrate on your pleasure without any distractions like genitals in your face.”
The biggest advantage that the 68 sex position has to offer (and is the real selling point), is that each partner is able to concentrate better while giving oral, as well be more present while receiving, Stewart says. There’s also the fact that 68 allows for a “spectacular view,” she points out. Let’s be honest, during 69-ing your partner’s genitals are so close to your face that your sense of sight is pretty much deprived. All you can really see is just flesh and more flesh, and not the particulars. For people who need visual stimulation to become aroused and stay aroused, 69 just doesn’t do it. But with 68, it’s all right there — and not just your partner’s genitals, but their body and face too. It can be really sexy to make eye contact with your partner during oral sex — something you never get in the 69 position.
Despite the fact that only one person is giving oral in the 68 position, both partners can still stay active. It takes two to tango, which means that just because you’re not giving oral, it’s not okay to mentally check out. When you do, you’re denying both you and your partner what can be a really intense and intimate experience.
“You should always be active unless your role is to be passive,” says Stewart. “As an active person in the sexual experience, that means that you are giving feedback (moans, talking, etc.) to let your partner know how you’re feeling.” After all, communication (all forms of it) keeps the momentum going and allows both partners to know that they’re on the same page.
If your partner is new or it’s a one-night stand, be sure to communicate beforehand as well. Having sex with someone you just met can be really exciting, like opening a gift, but because sex is an umbrella term for so many sexual acts, you want at least a glimpse of what you’re both into — especially if there’s the possibility of having to navigate a kink gap. “Know which tactics that they have as sexual assets that will titillate your partner in the ways that they like,” says Stewart. “Being able to connect to your lover authentically is a great way to foster trust, safety, and security.” Also, don’t forget to tackle the consent chat before you do anything.
Not every body is able to move in the exact same way, and it’s important to keep that in mind whether you’re planning to 68, 69, do it doggy style, or try some super advanced position you come across in the Kama Sutra. Just because something exists, it doesn’t mean everyone can (or should) do it. “When doing [the 68] position, keep in mind your physical limitations and be cognizant of your physical abilities,” says Stewart. “Nothing is worse than getting into a position you think you like and then having it be ruined by a body part that is too achy or unable to withstand the sexual experience.”
It’s also worth noting that sex-related injuries are far more common than you might think. According to a survey by Superdrug Online Doctor, a whopping 62% of people in a roughly 1,000-person survey reported injuring themselves during sex. Among the sex positions most likely to result in an injury? Doggy style — for people with vulvas and people with penises. So ease your way into the 68 position, make sure both you and your partner are comfy, then let the oral stimulation commence.
Somewhere down the line, every person is introduced to the 69 position. In most cases, they hear about it first and, depending on your age and sexual experience, the mere idea of it can be perplexing. We’re talking about a position in which two people are facing opposing directions — as in head-to-toes — and giving each other oral sex at the same time. Why? Who came up with this? As if it weren’t hard enough to garner the necessary stamina and confidence to be on top, let alone this.
Like a lot of sex positions, this one goes way back. It appears in the Kama Sutra, which was written somewhere between 400 BCE and 200 CE, and is explained as “When a man and woman lie down in an inverted order, with the head of one toward the feet of the other, and carry on this congress, it is called the Congress of a Crow.” But how the name evolved from “congress of a cow” to 69 can be attributed to, of course, the French — leave it to the French to come up with a pretty term for anything sex-related. At the beginning of the French Revolution a sex manual entitled “The Whore’s Catechisms” was published and in it, this notorious position was renamed “soixante-neuf,” the French translation for sixty-nine. And the name stuck.
Although there are those who love 69-ing, for many it’s not a great position for a slew of reasons. If you don’t love, or even like 69-ing, you’re not alone.
It’s pretty rare that you come across a couple who are the exact same height, especially in cishet relationships. However, if two people want to pull off a 69 and make it enjoyable enough to be an almost-perfect situation, then being the same height is key. Granted, a couple of inches in height differentiation aren’t a big deal, but if you’re five-foot and your partner is six-two, that’s quite a disparity and 69 isn’t likely to be the best fit for you two.
“69’ing is not actually ‘nice,’” a Reddit user wrote. “If both partners aren’t well-matched in how tall they are, it just doesn’t work well … One person lies on the bottom and is kind of crushed. If you don’t orgasm simultaneously, it’s just awkward.”
Although there’s the debate that if you perform 69 on your sides, there’s no crushing involved even if the two partners aren’t remotely close in height, it can still be tricky. If you and your partner have a mismatched height situation, then skip 69.
Some people aren’t multitaskers. They don’t have it in their DNA and that’s fine! If the world were full of only multitaskers, far too much would be accomplished and, honestly, we don’t really need that. The 69 position is multitasking and then some. Just think about the position and what it entails from both partners: attention to detail, being totally present, and trying to offer up some really great oral sex while also trying to focus on your own pleasure.
“Female perspective: There’s too much going on at once,” wrote a Reddit user. “It’s almost impossible to concentrate if the other person is doing a good job. If the other person isn’t doing a good job then why bother with bells and whistles for them if they are just lapping at you like a thirsty dog drinking water … It’s a totally overhyped sex position.”
Contrary to the belief that cis men are into 69-ing, this Reddit comment got a very apropos response: “Male here and I 100% agree with you,” wrote the Reddit user. “I can’t speak to fellatio, but I know cunnilingus takes some concentration to be done well. So 69 is like doing math problems while on a roller coaster: you won’t enjoy the coaster and you’ll f*** up the math. It’s better for everyone involved to just take turns … I put 69 in the same category as shower sex and beach sex. They sound nice on paper but are typically disappointing in practice.” There’s no sense in giving and receiving mediocre oral sex when you can give and receive fantastic oral when you subtract multitasking from the scenario.
As the Reddit users pointed out, with all that’s going on, concentration goes out the window. When that happens, having an orgasm is hard for both partners — no matter if they’re penis owners or vulva owners. Even if your end game in 69 isn’t focused on climaxing, your brain is still immersed in things that you normally wouldn’t be thinking about if you and your partner partook in oral sex one at a time.
For example, there’s all that lovely face-smothering that can make breathing a bit of a challenge. Then there’s that distracting lapping and sucking sound that, when oral is performed on each person one at a time, isn’t as noticeable because there are things like moaning and being able to lose yourself in the moment fully. During 69, you can become overly aware of things you wouldn’t normally even notice. For those with a vulva, trying to orgasm is often difficult enough.
“[The media] has been guilty of telling women how orgasms are supposed to happen,” clinical psychologist and sex educator Lawrence Siegel told Healthline. “To have an orgasm you have to be able to let go and allow it to happen, which is an issue for a lot of people … People wonder if they’re pleasing their partner enough, or they get self-conscious about their own bodies in certain positions. Porn is a big misconception about how people are ‘supposed’ to look, feel, and react during sex. And a lot of that is fake.” If you’re someone who struggles to orgasm with a partner or without one and want to orgasm with your oral sex, then 69 probably isn’t for you.
According to a 2018 study published in Sex and Marital Therapy, ultimate sexual satisfaction is directly linked to communication — this includes both verbal and non-verbal. But when you’re 69-ing, you can’t verbally communicate (for obvious reasons), nor can you non-verbally communicate, again, for obvious reasons. It’s not exactly the most forgiving position when it comes to movement that would let you non-verbally communicate to your partner that you’re enjoying a technique, disliking something they’re doing, or if they moved their tongue a little to left, things would feel much better. You’re sort of trapped in a locked-in position, both mouths full of genitals, and minimal ability to communicate what you want to tell them.
People who like to talk during sex and feel comfortable expressing what they’re experiencing, giving direction, or are open to receiving direction, aren’t likely to find satisfaction in 69. Sure, you can “uh-huh” with your throat, but that’s about it — especially if your bodies are really close and you have a penis in your mouth that you have to struggle to get out of your mouth to say even one word. Also, if you’re not awkward about dirty talk and are really into it while being intimate, it’s definitely not happening during 69.
Two words: neck pain. Anyone who’s ever tried 69 laying down, either one on top of the other or side-by-side knows that neck pain, if you hold the position too long, is a given. Certain parts of the body aren’t made to be held in specific positions for extended periods of time, so when these areas are pushed to the limit, pain inevitably follows.
According to a survey of over 1000 Europeans and Americans by Superdrug Online Doctor, 62% of people reported experiencing sex-related injuries at some point in their life. Although doggy style appears to be the most dangerous for those with vulvas and missionary the most precarious for penis owners, 69 is also on the list. As the survey found 2.6% of penis owners and 1.4% of vulva owners have been victims of 69ing gone awry. While the survey didn’t say how these injuries occurred or what they were, they still happened. There’s also the risk of an over-excited person wielding their penis in a way that can get a little aggressive.
“It’s not uncommon for an enthusiastic penis-haver to press down a bit too far into their partner’s mouth, restricting airflow and causing a bit of discomfort,” sex and relationships therapist Stefani Goerlich, LMSW-Clinical, LISW told Insider. If you’re accident-prone, already have some aches and pains that you’d prefer not to add to, or you’re a big fan of breathing while engaging in sexual activity, then maybe look toward other sex positions instead of 69.
As you’ve probably noticed, people get horny in the summer. We have the sun, more skin showing, holidays, and just a general upbeat attitude about life as a whole. So, naturally, sex is on the brain for a lot of people — and research proves it. According to a 2013 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, a five-year-long analysis found that once summer rolls around, Google searches for porn, prostitution, and online dating skyrocket. The study noted that the findings further prove that seasonal trends around STIs, condom sales, and abortions increasing as well. But while many people may be in the mood to get it on, there’s one position you shouldn’t get into when things are hot and sweaty.
“The 69 position is best avoided because it obviously means bodies are super-close together, rubbing down,” sex expert Ruby Payne told LadBible. “And even if you do it on the side, there’s more contact with the bed fabrics … Stick to the ‘unmutual’ kind of oral in a heatwave.”
That’s right; a sex expert has actually advised against summer 69-ing. If July and August are your months to sexually shine before Labor Day, then 69 isn’t for you. But guess what? That’s totally okay! Despite what we see in porn, most people aren’t 69-ing all the time. In fact, a 2015 survey by Uncovering Intimacy found that only 17% of people favor the 69 position for oral sex, while 46% prefer laying on their back with their partner between their legs. So there you go — you’re not alone and there are many of us, so you’re in fabulous company.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
[Look for the podcast play button below.]
Hey sex fans,
I know it’s a holiday weekend here in Americanskiville, and I know I should be hanging out at the pool or barbeque instead of slingin’ my tits over this hot microphone, but I can’t help it. I gotta catch up on all the questions that have been piling up since our last Q&A session back in May. And there’s a shit-load of ‘em don’t cha know.
We hear from:
BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!
Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll fine me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.
Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
[Look for the podcast play button below.]
Hey sex fans,
We’ll be winding up the year with our traditional Q&A format. For the few weeks that remain before our well-deserved annual holiday break I’ll be addressing the concerns of the sexually worrisome that come to me as email and voicemail. And if we have the time, we’ll be discussing everyone’s favorite topic; sex toys. The Erotic Mind series will resume in the New Year with a slew of new and interesting erotic artists and authors who will share their work with us and discuss their creative process.
Among today’s correspondents are:
BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!
Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
[Look for the podcast play button below.]
Hey sex fans,
I have a whopper of a show for you today. We return to our usual question and answer format this week, because I have a steamy load of stimulating questions from all overt the freakin’ place. And I respond with an equal number of cheeky, charming and oh so enlightening responses! Hey, it’s what I do.
BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!
Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Hey sex fans!
Ya know what? I’ve been writing this sex advice column for pert-near 10 years. That means that I’ve covered a whole lot of ground in that time. I’ve answered a shit-load of questions about lots of sex related things.For your convenience (and to save my fingers from being gnawed down to the bone by this blasted keyboard), I’ve taken the time to categorize all my posting and podcasts, so you can find the information you’re looking for quickly and easily. That’s right, I’ve done most of the work for you. All you have to do is click your mouse on the right spot.
Say you’re curious about a particular topic, or you have a question about a particular issue. Probably I’ve already covered it. I suggest you let your eyes wander on over to the CATEGORIES section just to your right. You’ll find a wealth of information on a big load of common concerns.Say you want some tips on how to give a great blowjob, like Janet below. All you’d need to do is look for “Blow Job” in the category section, click on that and presto! You’ll find just about everything I’ve ever had to say about the topic in both written and podcast form.
Here’s a tip: the little number following the category represents the number of times this topic has come…so to speak.Want to know how come your dick curves, and if the curve will make a difference when it’s time for you to bone a partner, like Slater below? Look for “Cock Shape” in the category section and you’ll find what you are looking for. It simply couldn’t be easier, or more entertaining!
Are you guys gettin the hang of this? I sure hope so. Because there is just so much I can say about some topics. And when I’ve said all I can say, I’ll say no more. Your resourcefulness will also save me the time and effort to direct your attention to the CATEGORIES section when you write, like I do with most of my correspondents today.
Name: Janet
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Location: Reno, Nevada
I’ve never performed oral sex on a man before and now I am with a new man and he sometimes hints that he would like me to go down on him. But I’m scared to do so because I don’t really know what to do or if I’ll be doing it right and I’m scared that he might laugh or something. Can you please give me some advice for a first timer on oral sex??
Janet, darlin’, you are totally in luck. Ol’ dr dick has squandered many an hour composing witty postings and charming podcasts on this very topic. Check it out. Look over to your right. See the CATEGORY section? Look for the term “Blow Job” and “Fellatio” in the category section. Got it? GREAT! Click on one or both of those, and you’ll find just about every word I’ve written in the last several years about this scrumptious topic.
Or you can cut to the chase and read my Sexual Enrichment Tutorial: So Ya Wanna Be A World-Class Cocksucker.Either way, you’ll be smokin’ yourself some fine pole, like a real champion, in no time at all.
Name: slater
Gender: Male
Age: 20
Location: asia
I am a 20-year-old male. Whenever my penis erects it bents towards left. However I don’t feel any pain. I have noticed this only from a year ago. Will this affect my sex life?
Slater my friend; if I’ve heard this question once, I’ve heard it a thousand times. Most of us men folks have some kind of curve to our precious banger. And most of the time it’s just a natural variation on the shape of a cock. Rarely does it have any negative impact on our sex life. In fact, some folks really dig a little curve.
However, maybe you want to know more. Well to satisfy your craving for further information, I invite you to look to your right, find the CATEGORY section and look for the term: “Cock Shape.” You’ll notice that I’ve written and spoken about this very concern several times.
Besides cock curvature, you’ll learn about other cock related issues, like hypospadias, auto-fellatio and circumcision, just to name a few. And each of those topics have their own category too. So you can educate yourself in every widening circles. How fun is that?
Name: alan
Gender: Male
Age: 41
Location: Victoria
I find it takes me for ever to jack off even watching videos it can take 40 minutes an when I do shoot it is only a small amount.
You don’t say, Alan! I’ve never heard that question before. No wait, that’s baloney. I’ve 
heard it before and written extensively about this very thing. Look to your right. See the CATEGORY section? EXCELLENT!
Now search for the terms: “Ejaculate” and “Ejaculation Concerns” and “Cum.” Among these categories you will find all the answers you are looking for.
Here’s a tip: you’ll also want to check out what I’ve had to say about “Kegels.” You’re gonna want to know all about these handy-dandy exercises to tone up your PC muscle. Both men and women need to attend to their PC muscle, don’t ‘cha know. Not sure what the fuck I’m talking about. Not to worry. You have some fun reading and listening ahead of you.
Name: kartick
Gender: Male
Age: 24
Location: BangaloreHow frequently a person can masturbate? Can it be daily?
You betcha, Kartick! You can choke the chicken every day if ya want. Hell, some guys
do it several times a day. Can ya stand it?
But here’s a tip: if you don’t know the difference between jerkin’ off and full body masturbation, you have some work ahead of you, my friend. Take the time to acquaint yourself with the benefits of each technique.
Has this peaked your interest? I hope so. Check out the CATEGORY section to your right and search for “Masturbation.” You’ll also find some very important information concerning the connection between masturbation and prostate cancer too. There’s a wealth of information just waiting for your eager eyes and ears.
Name: unkutstud
Gender: Male
Age: 22
Location: wa, usa
I have about a one-inch overhang of foreskin when I’m limp. And when I have a boner my foreskin still covers my cock completely. Even when I skin myself back my foreskin slips back over my cock head unless I hold it back. Do women want me to skin myself back or do they want my foreskin covering my cock before I insert my 8 incher into their pussy? I feel self-conscious about skinning myself back and holding my foreskin back
I love your moxy, mister. “…before I insert my 8 incher into their pussy?” Indeed! How you do go on! You make me blush! But I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that you have yet to dip your wick into any fine pussy…I mean besides the imaginary pussy in your head. Am I right? I thought so.
Here’s the thing about chicks. They don’t all share the same tastes about everything. I know, who would have guessed?
So when you say things like: “Do women want me to skin myself back or do they want my foreskin covering my cock…” basically you’re tellin’ me you think all these pussy-owin’ creatures are alike. You’re gonna get you in a whole lot of trouble with that kind of unenlightened mindset . Not to mention you’re never gonna get yourself laid that way, pup.
The womens, at least the ones that grove on men, seem to have less of an interest in what your unit looks like, let alone its size; then they do with you knowing how to use the blasted thing to pleasure them. Consider for a moment that a whole lot of women have never seen an uncut willie. Others have never seen the cut variety. If you want to know how your perspective partner wants your throbbing 8-incher, all you have to do is ask, don’t cha know. Probably they’ll even interpret your asking as a gentlemanly gesture. And that, sir, is how you’ll get yourself laid.
Name: tj
Gender: Male
Age: 41
Location: ma
ever since i was a teen i have had the hots for my dad. i would walk into the bathroom on him, or his room to see him naked and to see his dick. i use to love catching him jack off. i loved to see him in his boxers, and would jack off in his boxers. i even would play with him when he was a sleep get him hard and jack myself off. i thought i was over this till he stayed with me over the weekend. he came out of the bathroom in just his boxers. i was only wearing my boxers also. i became hard and excited. the old thought of playing with his cock came back. that night i went into the guest room took out his penis from his boxers and played with it. till it was erect. i then took a pair of his boxers and jacked off in them. i am 41 now should i have out grown this attraction to my dad?? he knows i am gay, we have talked several times about my playing with him but should this attraction continue??
— lost and confused in dads boxers
This is precious, TJ. You’ve been fondlin’ and jerkin’ off you old man for years, albeit
while he “sleeps.” (Say, he’s one hell of a deep sleeper, huh?) He knows all about you, your attraction to him and your late night play sessions with his cock and underwear. But he still comes for a visit. And predictably, you set upon him again in his sleep. How may more incredible things could you possibly include to a single paragraph?
And all you want to know is, if it is odd that you continue to behave like this with the guy who spawned you, now that you’re 41 years old. Odd? Yeah, I’ll say it’s odd! AMAZINGLY odd!
Where to begin? Oh skip it! If you and your dad (now somewhere in his 60’s or even older, I assume.) are still playing at this little game, it must be pretty harmless by this time.
Your behavior and attraction continue because you feed it, darling. And so does your old man! No big mystery there.
Good luck ya’ll
Name: Gwen
Gender:
Age: 57
Location: Philly
My husband and I have been married for 33 years. Our relationship is hell when it comes to sex. My husband is overweight, and he’s stressed out about his elderly parents. Sex is non-existent. He never was the instigator in our relationship. And he is the kind of guy who thinks having sex on the couch as opposed to the bedroom is adventuresome. He has become so boring. I don’t believe the man feels sex should be that important at our ages. (I’m 57 and he’s 62) I, on the other hand, am more sexually aroused and creative than ever now that I am more mature and the kids are out of the house. Menopause and all the sex on the internet helps too. 😉 Is there anything I can do to make my man return to being a healthy sexual being once again? Thank you, Gwen
No, thank you, Gwen. Your complaint is a familiar one. In fact, so familiar I regularly offer therapy groups for couples in long-term relationships. Like you and your old man, these couples have, for one reason or another, hit a wall when it comes to their sex lives.
I take a very unique approach to these groups by inviting both straight and gay couples to the same group. At first I got a lot of resistance. Most couples, both gay and straight, thought there was nothing to be learned from a couple unlike them. They couldn’t imagine why I would want to integrate the group in such a manner. I think most of my couples felt more comfortable in being in a segregated group — straight folks with straight folks, gay folks with gay folks.
But that is. of course, precisely the reason I integrate the groups. I don’t want them to feel all comfy and cozy, I wanted them to work and learn and stretch themselves out of their sexual doldrums. At first, I had to ask all my couples to suspend judgment about an integrated group until they had an opportunity to participate in one. Now I don’t encounter so much resistance. Word’s gotten out that this is a really creative solution to an otherwise tricky problem. And that old married couples, regardless if they are gay, lesbian or straight have very similar problems. And they can and do learn from one another.
To your specific issue, Gwen, I’m sad to say there’s not much you can do to beef up your sex life if there’s no interest on the part of your husband to do so. I mean, you can lead the horse to cooter, but you can’t make him lick.
You confide that your husband is overweight and stressed. Not a happy combination when it comes to his sexual response cycle. In fact, your husband sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen. Perhaps if your challenged him about his general health — encourage weight loss and stress reduction, you might find that this would also reignite his sex drive. It’s worth a try.
And thank you for mentioning menopause. So many women find the changes that take place in midlife confusing and disorientating. It’s so good to hear from a woman who is eager to explore and enjoy her sexuality post-menopause.
Men also go through changes, in midlife. There’s even a name for it — andropause — the male menopause as it were. It’s clear that as we age, both women and men need more time and stimulation to get aroused. The slower, more sensuous foreplay that often results is a welcome change for most women and even some men.
Increased focus on sensuality, intimacy, and communication can help a sexual relationship remain rewarding even well into one’s senior years. I think you already know this, Gwen, but many women in my audience don’t.
If your husband is avoiding intercourse, there still many ways of expressing your love and staying connected:
However, if your husband is more wedded to food and to stress than he is to you, and
if he continues to refuse to join you in finding an appropriate outlet for your sexual frustration, then it’s up to you to make this happen on your own. 57 is way too young to say good by to your sex life. You’re still a fine cougar with lots to offer.
May I suggest that you join a women’s group. Not a therapy group, but more of a support group or activities group. Getting out of the house, being involved with other self-actualized mature women, may uncover the secret solutions other women have put in place to find sexual satisfaction when they are without a partner or have a partner who’s no longer interested in them. I think you will be surprised by how creative your sisters can be. Make it happen, Gwen. Don’t sink to the lowest common denominator of living a sexless life.
The Suppressing Gag Reflex — A Tutorial
Arguably, the humble blowjob is the most common partnered sexual activity for men — straight, bi or gay. It’s pretty obvious why the gays like to suck cock. But nowadays loads of straight women have taken to smokin’ some pole too. Let’s face it; it’s a great way to give pleasure. Regardless of whether it’s part of foreplay, after play, or the main event — like relieving the Commander in Chief in the oval office after a long day of comandering and chiefing, don’t cha know.
Certain skills are essential for mind-blowing oral sex. The preeminent skill, of course, is mastering the gag reflex. But close behind that is keeping your partner’s spooge off your blue dress.
Did you know that the gag response is least active in the morning? That’s right, my pretties, you’re gonna have to know things like this if you aspire to getting a gold medal in cock sucking. Besides, tidbits like this also make for the most charming dinner party trivia.
Today we’re gonna look at three important aspects of understanding and suppressing that nasty gag reflex when chowin’ down on some love muscle.
1) ANATOMY
So let’s take a semi-serious look at the gag response and why we have it. Millions of years of evolution have provided us the anatomical function we call the gag reflex to protect our throat. And as all you rocket scientists know an obstruction in your throat — in either your larynx, which connects to your lungs or the pharynx, which connects to your stomach could be deadly. And since us humans breathe more often than we swallow, the larynx is always open. We all have a piece of cartilage known as the epiglottis at the back of our throat that responds to swallowing. This is not to be confused with the uvula, which is that little thingy that hangs down from the back of your mouth.
Isn’t this fascinating? Aren’t you delighted you stopped by today? Hold on, there’s
more!
The passageway to the stomach is fairly narrow, although you’d never guess that from the way some folks wolf down their food. The gag reflex protects us from getting something stuck in there. If the object being swallowed — a big old cock or a piece of cold pizza — can’t easily pass the opening of the pharynx, the epiglottis flaps triggering the gag response. This forces the foreign object — big old cock or cold pizza — out. This is a lifesaving reflex because it protects us from literally biting off more than he can swallow. And since there’s not gonna be a whole lot of biting off and chewing when we blow some dude, the gag reflex can be pretty pronounced.
The object of this tutorial is to help us subdue this lifesaving reflex when needed. The first thing we should know is when suckin’ cock, the dick in question can’t get stuck in our pharynx because, happily it’s attached to the dude we’re blowin’. It can, therefore, be removed without the coughing and choking associated with the garden variety of gagging.
Let’s review. Your tongue, your salivary glands, your hard palate, your soft palate, your uvula, your epiglottis, your tonsils, and your pharynx are all parts of the sensory experience for you as well as your partner with his dick in your mouth. When you deep throat his johnson, your uvula and the epiglottis tickle his dickhead. I guess that’s why us mens like getting’ head so much.
Like anything worth doing, mastering the gag reflex takes practice. The most important thing to remember is that we cannot simultaneously inhale and swallow. Also the epiglottis is very flexible, while the pharynx is relatively rigid.
Let’s do some math. The depth of our mouth — from the lips to the curve in the pharynx just in the back of the throat is three of four to inches. The pharynx runs another five and half inches or so before the esophagus begins, which continues another eight or nine inches. That makes for total passageway available for swallowing cock between seventeen and nineteen inches long. How’s that for adaptability? Your throat is not just for sword-swallowing any more! As long as your partner’s prick is neither too wide nor too stiff to make the turn in the pharynx, an average cocksucker can completely swallow just about anyone for a short period of time while holding his or her breath.
2) POSITION
Probably you’ve already guessed that positioning the cock your sucking at just the
right angle down your throat is crucial. Check it out. Take a deep breath; insert two fingers as far as possible into your mouth. Your fingers will bend easily downward. While you’re rootin’ around inside there, you’ll immediately have a sense of internal capacity of your oral cavity. Carefully placing a couple fingers at the back of your mouth shouldn’t cause you to gag, but moving them around might. This underscores the importance of having the willie you’re about to swallow go in the right direction.
So let’s say you’re on your knees, with the intended cock right in front of you. If it’s rock-hard and/or curved upward, as some of those darling things are, that dick is gonna go pounding against your tonsils, making you gag, sure as shootin’. The dude’s cock has to go in and then down your throat, not up and against the roof of your mouth. Got it? Jamming his member against your hard palate will also be pretty unpleasant for the owner of the said cock. This could easily give his dickhead a real owie!
This brings us to the ever-popular sixty-nine position. It’s so popular because it points the dude’s rod toward the base of your tongue, thereby successfully navigating of the curve in your throat.
3) BREATHING
A proper breathing technique is as important as position to happy deep throating. The aquatic minded among us already have the key. Swimmers know that synchronizing one’s breathing with the motion one is making with his or her arms and legs makes for less effort and more stamina. The same is true for the person gulping a big one…or even a small one for that matter. You’ll want to inhale while doing down on his cock, exhale quickly while coming up, then inhale again going back down. The deeper you inhale on the down stroke, the longer you’ll be able to hold
your breath. And PRESTO! The longer you’re able to hold your breath the deeper your partner’s baloney pony will disappear down your gullet. So you see it’s exactly like swimming, only completely different.
For the non-athletes in my audience there is another way to learn to control the gag reflex. Simply practice holding your breath and swallowing at the same time.
We could all learn a lot from the little piggie cocksucker among us. They’re in this whole blowjob thing for the long haul, and they know that pacing one’s self is crucial. They know how important it is to pull off the cock from time to time, at least far enough to take in some air before going down on it again. If you try this you could make some yummy sounds while you pull off his cock. Or you could take it out of your mouth and look at it admiringly. He’ll be impressed that you like his rigid piece of art, and only you’ll know that what you’re actually doing is simply catching your breath.
You should know that deep throating a pleasure prong is gonna make a lot of saliva. This is a double-edged sword. Great for keeping things lubed up, but problematic if that abundant saliva falls into the larynx and makes you cough and choke. If your saliva becomes a problem rather than an asset try relaxing for a bit with his cock in the forward of your mouth so that your larynx will open for breathing. This shallow sucking is a delightful counterpoint to deep throat sucking. You can also practice relaxing and stretching the muscles that regulate swallowing by opening your mouth wide, like in a yawn.
Whichever technique or combination of techniques works for you, remember to breathe. Accumulation of mucous will sometimes mean you have to take a break to spit. If you try to continue without spitting, it will just make you uncomfortable. And who need that?
Also when you deep throat your nose will run and your eyes will water. So if you’re wearing a lot of makeup when you’re blowin’ your guy, you’ll look like a raccoon with a clown face by the time you’re through. Some guys really like this. It suggests to them that they have a really big dick to have wreaked so much havoc.
You’ll probably want to keep at least one of your hands on his pole while you’re sucking it. This will give you more control, especially when he starts pelvic thrusting.
It’s a good idea to keep a hand on his balls too, as they are usually a good indicator of how close your man is to cuming. As he gets closer to shooting, the skin on his scrotum tightens and pulls his balls towards his body to warm them up. You can let this happen on its own, or help out by stimulating his jewels with your hand, tongue, or mouth.
Finally, a common mistake most women and some men make while blowin their guy is using only their mouth to repeatedly bob up and down his weener. This is neither pretty or particularly helpful! Some folks continue doing this until they get a sore jaw or neck. A good deep-throatin’ blowjob should not be too repetitive. The wise cocksucker will keep her/his hands busy throughout. She’ll include stroking his dick, exploring balls, thighs and asshole. By mixing things up, he’ll allow his mouth and throat muscles to relax. This will improve one’s performance and will subdue one’s gag reflex.
Good Lick…I mean Luck…ya’ll
Name: Julie
Gender:
Age: 26
Location: 41425
I am a virgin. I am also just asking How do I keep my first time from hurting? Some Say Lubrications in exess, but I am very small.
Yep, lots of lube is important — first time and every time. 
But there is so much more you can do to prepare yourself for your first fuck. Begin by knowing your body and your sexual response cycle. Is it safe to assume, even though you are a virgin to full-on fucking, that you are familiar with masturbation? If not, darling, that’s where you should start. If you enjoy pleasuring your body to orgasm, you will likely know the kind of stimulation you need to achieve full arousal. This is precisely the information you will want to pass on to your partner before the fuck-fest begins as well as throughout the event.
The more you know about your body and the mysteries of your particular sexual response cycle the smoother things will go for you and your partner. Nowadays there is absolutely no need for anyone to come to their first partnered sexual encounter uninformed about sex in general and his or her sexuality in particular.
Most women experience pain during fucking (for the first time or anytime) because of one of three basic reasons: 1) She is inexperienced, 2) Her partner is inexperienced or unversed about mutual pleasuring, 3) She is not fully aroused. Right away you can see how a familiarity with your body in general and your pussy in particular will short-circuit at least two of the three basic reasons right away. And while you can’t account for the sexual prowess of your partner, you will be able to direct him/her on how to touch and make love to you. And that, my dear, takes care of the third basic reason.
One other thing, a lot of women don’t relax during sex…thus discomfort…because they worry about becoming pregnant. If you’re not well versed on all methods of contraception and actually practicing one of them, you’re not ready to have sex. And one other thing, sexually transmitted infections ought to be a concern for both you and your partner. Don’t be a fuck-up; your partner ought always use a condom.
Name: Dave
Gender:
Age: 20
Location: Sydney
The other day I had to stop myself pissing mid-flow.. and god it hurt like fuck… felt like my ass was being tugged, from within. why does this happen? and can there be any damage from doing this at all?
Jeez, ya got me, pup! Was this some kind of muscle spasm? The muscles in your pelvic region, specifically your pubococcygeus muscle (or PC muscle), are responsible for stopping the flow of pee. Could you have injured or strained these muscles in some way? Has this happened before? One thing for sure, if this continues; have a doctor take a look right away.
Name: Drew
Gender:
Age: 22
Location: Idaho
Is there any way that I can increase my quality of orgasm? I’ve been having shitty orgasms for the last year, so shitty that they really shouldn’t be called orgasms. I’m on antidepressants (Effexor XR), and I fear that is a factor. I’m also having trouble keeping an erection, it never really gets fully hard and then kinda fades in and out over the course of masturbation or oral sex. Any ideas?
I think you put your finger on the problem right there. Antidepressants can sure enough fuck up a person’s sexual response cycle — interfering with both erections and orgasms. 
Short of going off your meds, which I don’t advise…at least not without consulting your physician first…there are a few things you could try. I advise all my clients who are struggling with this same issue to use a cockring. It helps them get and keep a harder hardon. And of course, the more firm your rod, the more likely you will have a “quality” orgasm. I also encourage other clients on antidepressants to use a vibrator during their sex play…alone or with a partner(s). There are several different kinds — wands, dildos, eggs, bullets and plugs. Check out Dr Dick’s Stockroom for every imaginable kind. Of special interest for you might be The Rude Boy (C917)
Name: Jennifer
Gender:
Age: 42
Location: AZ
No joke, I am writing for my best friend who is a 41 year gay man and a virgin. He has never had any type of intercourse and has had brief foreplay with only a few. He can get erect when masterbating but not with a partner. He has tried to “wing it” and pick up men only to be “punched in the gut” again and again and again. He does not pick up anyone anymore because he considers it “false advertising”. He is super cute, very funny and works in the entertainment industry. He is so lonely and very depressed and completely against any type of medication. He wants to share his life with someone so bad. He says that no one has his problem and medical doctors say that the plumbing is fine. He seems to think that because he was able to masturbate at 8yrs old without a true erection that this ruined him. All my research points to performance anxiety and ED which he completely denies. He tried Viagra and that did not even work. Please share your best advice…I really want to help him. Thank you!!
My best advice? Okey dokey, here goes!
This boy needs a sex-positive therapist big time and right away. He is a freakin’ ball of sexual neurosis, for cryin’ out loud. However, the likelihood of your best friend actually seeking the help he so severely needs is nil. Especially since he can’t even cop to performance anxiety and ED issues with you.
And you know what, Jennifer? You may actually be enabling this dude’s dysfunction by allowing him kvetch about his love life…or lack there of. Lay down the law, darling. Tell this miserable wretch he needs to get professional help ASAP. If he refuses, cut him off from your shoulder to cry on. If he can’t grow a pair of cohunes and address his issues like a man, then you oughta grow a pair for him till he get a life. And that’s my best goddamn advice. So there!
Name: Rachel
Gender:
Age: 32
Location: Houston
I have the pleasure of dating (for the first time) a man who is uncircumcised (his foreskin completely covers his head. I love giving oral sex, but I’m a little intimidated. Lots of info on “cercumcised blow jobs” … not so much on Mr. natural. How do I blow his mind!
Doll, havin’ a natural man don’t make suckin’ his cock any different than suckin the cut variety. Except that you have a whole lot more delicious willie to play with. Let’s start with the basics. There’s no one best way to make oral love to a boner. No two cocksuckers will do it exactly the same way. But all have one thing in common, and that’s the desire to satisfy. Technique and position take a back seat to simply craving a cock in your mouth. We’re not talkin’ rocket science, girlfriend, it’s just a pecker and a mouth doin’ what comes natural.
Begin by taking a good look at the object of your desire. A big stiff woody with lace curtains is a wonder to behold. And even those little willies can be cute as hell. Visually explore the whole enchilada. Feel it’s shape, its thickness and texture. Sick a finger under his hood and trace his dick head. Nibble on his foreskin. Pull on it and stretch it out. He’ll be sure to let you know if you are doing too much.
Use your tongue to trace a line from his dick head down the underside of his shaft to his balls. Draw back his foreskin and slop your tongue all around his corona. As you do, watch your man’s eyes roll back in his head in ecstasy.
Let his cock slide inside your mouth. Let your lips slide over the head and down the shaft a little, but, for god’s sake, watch out for your teeth! Slide your mouth down farther and open wider. Feel the stretch in your jaws. When his dick gets close to your throat, you may begin to gag. This is a normal reflex that you will, in time, be able to control. Ask for some feedback on your efforts. Just don’t talk with your mouth full.
There are lots of other things you can do with your mouth. Lick his dick, suck on it and flick your tongue rapidly across the top of his dick. Or you can simply move your mouth up and down his joystick drawing his foreskin back and forth with your hand as you go.
Dive into his crotch, lick his inner thighs, lower belly, and slobber all over his nuts. Keep your mouth wet, a thick wad of saliva will add to the pleasure and eliminate irritation. Don’t be afraid to be sloppy. Increase your speed or slow it down. Fondle and cup his balls in your hand.
As your man is about to spew, he will become more excited and may start some pelvic thrusting. If he does and you start to gag, use your hand to guide his dick in and out of your mouth. Remember that you’re the one in charge here. Encircle your lips firmly around his cock and over your teeth. Keep the other parts of your mouth as relaxed as possible (actual “sucking” is unnecessary at this point). Keeping a regular rhythm is nice, but don’t let it get boring. If you vary your position and your stroke you won’t get fatigued.
Name: Bruce
Gender: male
Age: 19
Location: UK
What’s a PA? I sometimes see this abbreviation in online personals but I can’t figure it out. thanks
Well, Bruce, PA could mean a whole lot of things. It could be an abbreviation for Pennsylvania, public address system, personal assistant, parental advisory, pussy addict …hell, even Port Arthur, Texas.
But if I had to guess, you are referring to PA as in Prince Albert.
A PA is probably the most common male genital piercing. It enters the urethra and exits immediately behind the glans on the underside of the cock.
The Prince Albert Piercing, also known as a “Dressing Ring”, was apparently designed to strap the penis tightly against one’s leg to minimize the bulge caused by one’s rod when wearing the very tight trousers, which were fashionable during the Victorian era. We sure have a different ethinc about that today, huh?
As the rumor has it, Prince Albert, queen Victoria’s hubby, wore one of these little numbers to hold back his foreskin so he would keep his johnson sweet-smelling so as not to offend the Queen. What a fuckin’ gentleman!
Good luck ya’ll
[Look for the podcast play button below.]
Hey sex fans,
I have a great show for you today. Provocative questions from the sexually worrisome and an equal number of amusing, entertaining and informative responses! Hey, it’s what I do.
BE THERE, OR BE SQUARE!
Today’s podcast is once again bought to you by: DR DICK’S HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Do you ever just need a hand getting a grip on a hard throbbing problem? Well never fear, sex fans, Dr Dick is here to lend a hand…or two to all you sexually worrisome out there.
Name: Jose
Gender: Male
Age: 20
Location: Norwalk, CT
how can i approuch a good stripper to get into sex? even tho they just stripper some make rule but if stripper off work, would some of them willing to do it?
I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that English is not your first language, right Jose? I think I understand what you are asking. Let’s just hope that the women you approach will also understand you meaning.
So OK, you know this fine stripper and you want to have sex with her, right? Alrighty then! First thing you oughta know is that not all strippers are hookers. Some simply strip because they make good money. And don’t sell sex, well because they don’t have to. The ones that do sell sex, don’t do so where they strip. It’s bad for business and, I also hasten to point out, it’s against the law.
There are two good ways to go about this hunt for stripper sex. First, you could ask the vixen out on a real date. I think this is the best way of going about gettin laid by any woman. If this particular woman is available for a sexual liaison, and you’re not a totally creepy dick-head, she might take you up on the offer. Just remember, some stripping establishments prohibit their strippers from fucking with customers. If that’s the policy at the joint you frequent, let it go. Don’t pester the woman for something that will jeopardize her job. If she does accept the date, and all goes well, and you charm the pants off her, you might just get a little bump and tickle. I hope we’re clear on the concept that if any woman, especially a sex worker, accepts a dinner invitation it is not the same thing as saying she’ll fuck you, right? GOOD!
The second option is to ask the stripper if she does escort work on the side. Again, some stripping establishments prohibit their strippers from fraternizing with customers in any way, shape or form, especially fucking them. You ought to know that if the woman in question is indeed an escort as well as a stripper, your “date” with her is gonna cost ya, don’t ‘cha know. These women are professionals; you’d do well to treat them with the respect you’d offer any professional woman.
Never, under any circumstance, offer to pay this woman…or any woman…for sex. That would be inviting prostitution, and that’s against the law — except if you’re in Nevada. If the woman in question is an escort, she will be exchanging her time and expertise for money; not sex for money. Get it? If she’s smart she won’t give you a second chance to get this right if you fuck up asking her the first time.
My advice to you is, figure out ahead of time which way you want to go — date or escort. Then approach her like a gentleman. If she’s not interested, respect her decision to decline your offer with some grace and dignity.
Good luck
Name: john
Gender:
Age: 22
Location: california
my penis when erect is slightly bent to left what should i do? will there be any problem while having sex?
You haven’t seen a lot of stiffies on other guys, have you John? Most straight guys are unaware of how their cock compares to other dude’s. If a guy, like you, doesn’t have a frame of reference, so to speak, he may even think his unit is abnormal. The fact is many men have curved cocks. Some curve to the left, and others to the right. Some curve up, some curve down.
You’re clear on the concept of what creates wood, right? An erection occurs when two tubular structures that run the length of the penis, the corpora cavernosa, become engorged with blood. Imagine your cock is a baloon with two separate inflatable tubes on either side. If you put more air pressure on one side of the balloon than the other, the baloon will curve. Simple as all that! Many guys believe that a bent cock is caused by wearing tight briefs instead of boxers or that it’s caused by circumcision. These are myths. However, excessive, rough or heavy-handed masturbation during one’s youth can promote a curvature later in life. That’s why I always promote handling one’s pecker with care.
Since you say your dick curves only slightly to the left, I’m pretty sure this natural variation won’t be a problem in partnered sex.
Good luck
Name: Bryan
Gender:
Age: 25
Location: Melbourne, Australia
I live about 45 mins outside the city and have always had a weight problem. I found that the easiest way for me to get off (or the only option for a long time) was to meet guys at beats or online. These were never really guys that I found attractive, and ones that I felt that I was simply resorting to to fulfil my needs. I also found myself taking a submissive role rather than my preferred top, just in order to get sex. Now that I am older, I am able to meet guys that I actually like, however I find that it takes forever for me to come. I like being active but I can never come just from sex, and even when I get head jobs, I cant come just from head jobs, I end up needing to jerk myself off and it takes a very very long time. I cant help but be cerebral and need to think for a long time to create a scene, something that I needed to do when I didnt find the guys attractive, but I cant stop this now when I actually do like them. Also, I cant come unless I am lying on my back and jerking off. Which is difficult as I like being dominant and active. A part of me thinks that it’s because I jerk off too much, or because I have needed to play the submissive role for so long. I have spoken to friends and the idea that because I dont find feminine guys attractive and the very role of having anal sex psychologically associates the other guy as taking a feminine role within my head and thus a turn off has been suggested. Whereas some friends have said that maybe I just dont feel that I deserve to be able to take that active role because of my attachments to past sexual experiences in my earlier youth. Im studying some psychology at university and am trying to make sense of it all but I just cant, and I am tired of apologising to guys when they cant make me cumm from blow jobs or sex, and that I have to do it myself and they are detached to the role of a lesser important role of oral contact in another manner just so that they are involved in someway in the process. I just want to be able to come while having sex or having a blow job and not lying on my back, and not taking forever and a day. I do like these guys that I am seeing now, and this issue I feel has always put pressure on my sexual relationships.
I caution you to not read too much into your inability to cum through oral sex, or than in any other position than on your back. No need to psychoanalyze yourself or look too deeply into your sexual past to find the root of this problem. While you mindset and your past behaviors may impact on your current performance, you should know that lots of men, with very different sexual histories than yours, have a similar inability to cum in any other way than on their back and with their own hand.
If this is so disturbing for you, you can learn different behaviors that may, in time, allow you to cum in the position and by an activity that you prefer — like standing up for a blow job. But I suggest that you’ll never accomplish this if you think you are defective, or that some deep psychological trauma is the root of your dissatisfaction.
Why not just chalk your concerns up to a natural variation on male sexual response cycle. Expanding one’s sexual repertoire is best accomplished with some patience and a whole lot of practice. Being ashamed of yourself or belittling yourself for what you perceive as an inadequacy will completely sabotage any effort you might make to change your sexual patterns.
Good luck
