Category: Effective Communication

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4 Essential Dates Every Couple Needs To Have

By Mark Travers

“If you’re too busy for date night, you’re too busy.” These are the words of Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned researchers, therapists and marriage counselors. While they suggest there are multiple factors that contribute to a thriving marriage, they place particular emphasis on the role of date nights.

According to their 2019 novel, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, there are eight conversation-focused dates that every couple should have in their relationship; in fact, they consider them essential. As they explain, “And the big secret to creating a love that lasts and grows over time is simple. Make dedicated, non-negotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner.”

Here’s a breakdown of the first four dates, including their suggestions on how to plan them out.

1. Lean On Me—Trust And Commitment

The first date should be focused on trust and commitment. They emphasize the importance of this date by reminding us that “In a relationship, commitment is a choice we make every single day, over and over again,” and that we should continue to “choose it even when we are tired and overworked and stressed out.”

  • Suggestions. One partner should plan this date to surprise the other, simply saying, “Trust me.” You could even take it a step further by blindfolding them, and physically guide them to the location.
  • Location. The Gottmans recommend the in-charge partner to “find an elevated location with a great view,” where both can sit while having a conversation. “If possible,” they say, “make this first date location somewhere that is meaningful to your love story.”
  • Conversation topic. The purpose of this date is to discuss what trust and commitment looks like in your relationship. How can you make each other feel safe? What are the agreements you share in your relationship about trust and commitment? Think about what trust looked like in your families of origin, and compare it to what it looks like in your relationship—even in the small ways you show it to each other.
  • What to bring/prepare. The Gottmans recommend couples to bring an open mind. Avoid blaming each other during tough parts of the conversation; remember to ask questions, to be honest and to see one another’s differences as opportunities to learn more about each other.
  • Post-date affirmations. After your date, take turns reading this affirmation to one another—maintaining full eye-contact: “I commit to choosing you each and every day and to showing you that our relationship is a priority. I also commit to having seven more dates and conversations.”

2. Agree To Disagree—Addressing Conflict

The second date should be focused on how you, as partners, address conflict in your relationship. While this may seem like an unusual date, the Gottmans advise discussing conflict management outside of actual fights, “as the best time to discuss conflict is not in the middle of a heated argument.”

  • Suggestions. The partner that wasn’t in charge of the first date should be responsible for the second date. Preferably, this date should be during a time where neither partner is tired or low on energy; you’ll want to be in the best mood possible, and ready to face whatever comes up head-on.
  • Location. Host this date in an area in which you’ll have privacy, like your favorite park bench, a secluded area of a beach or even just in your backyard. A great suggestion from the Gottmans, however, is to have this date during a walk; even if the conversation gets stuck, you’ll have to keep moving. Ideally, the date should happen in a spot you both associate with happy memories.
  • Conversation topic. The purpose of this date is to do a deep dive on the ways that conflict is managed in your relationship. How do you both differ in this regard, and how are you similar? How do you negotiate these differences?
  • What to bring/prepare. Be ready to discuss the aforementioned differences—without judgment or regret. Importantly, don’t avoid whatever conflict might arise; power through it, communicate unconditional acceptance of one another and do your best to recognize when a problem is or isn’t solvable.
  • Post-date affirmations. After your second date, take turns to read this promise to one another: “I commit to accepting you completely and embracing our differences. When we have conflict, I’ll seek to understand your feelings and point of view about the issue, and will manage our conflict as skillfully as possible. When regrettable incidents happen, I’ll seek to repair the damage through the process we have discussed.”

3. Let’s Get It On—Sex And Intimacy

Your third date is where you’ll focus on the state of sex and intimacy within your relationships. As the Gottmans explain, “We all want to keep our relationship passionate and connected, and there are ways to both create and destroy your connection that all take place out of the bedroom.” They note, however, that “What’s most important is not to let sex become the last item on a very long to-do list, the final obligation you turn to when you’re both exhausted.”

  • Suggestions. Both partners can take the reins on this date, as the goal is for it to be as “romantic and seductive as possible.” Sexiness, as the Gottmans explain, is key here; tell each other exactly what to wear, or you could even go so far as to lay each other’s outfit out for one another.
  • Location. This date should involve a candlelit dinner; it could be at your favorite restaurant, or (perhaps a better suggestion) somewhere much more private. The Gottmans suggest locations “such as a cove in a beach or a hidden corner of a public garden.” A physical aspect to the date—such as a dance class, some yoga or stretches—can also be a great way to prompt yourselves to get in tune with your bodies.
  • Conversation topic. This date should center around all things intimacy, romance, fantasy and sex related. What do you both envision and want sex to look like in your relationship? What rituals (whether sexual or generally intimacy-related) do you like, dislike or hope to start? Is sex something you’re comfortable discussing—and if so, why or why not? How can you work together to enhance passion and closeness in your partnership?
  • What to bring/prepare. You’ll both have to be brave, vulnerable and open-minded for this one. Remember to be as specific as possible in conveying your likes and dislikes, avoid comparing your current sex life to past ones, and to always be open-minded when you’re both discussing turn-ons and -offs.
  • Post-date affirmations. Conclude this date by taking turns to read this affirmation out loud to one another: “I commit to creating our own romantic rituals for connection, and creating more passion outside of the bedroom by expressing my affection and love for you. I commit to having a 6-second kiss every time we say goodbye or hello to each other for the next week. I commit to discussing, exploring and renewing our sexual relationship.”

4. The Cost Of Love—Work And Money

“Work can take up nearly as much of our time, energy and ability to commit as our relationship,” explain the Gottmans—which is why it’s important to focus on this topic during your fourth date. “In fact,” they continue, “work can often be the ‘third party’ in a relationship.” Thus, thoroughly discussing career and finances is nearly, if not as, important as talking about commitment, trust, conflict and sex.

  • Suggestions. The Gottmans suggest spending as little money as possible for this date, if any at all. Sweetly, they recommend couples to consider what their dates looked like before coming into wealth or money.
  • Location. As they explain, “You should go to any place that makes you feel comfortable, wealthy or rich in some way, however you define those things.” This could be the lobby of a 5-star hotel, or it could be a blanket on the floor of your living-room. The key here is to be creative. “Discuss the questions over lunch at home from your favorite take-out restaurant,” is another suggestion they make; “Dress thoughtfully. Use the good china. Pamper yourselves with at-home luxury.”
  • Conversation topic. The purpose of this date is to explore the many ways you both bring value to the relationship. What does it mean to “have enough money” for both of you? What are your histories with work and money? What contributions to the relationship (paid or unpaid) do you appreciate about one another? How do you both feel about work, and the ways it impacts your relationship?
  • What to bring/prepare. Note that this date should not be a conversation about numbers; come prepared to discuss what money means for you both, not the state of your finances. Refrain from minimizing one another’s work stress or values regarding money, and remember to allow yourselves to dream big in this regard. Importantly, be honest about your respective do’s, don’ts and must’s when it comes to wealth and finances.
  • Post-date affirmations. End this date off by reading this affirmation to one another: “I commit to respecting your values around money and work, and working together toward a shared financial goal.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Six Signs You Should Go To Sex Therapy

— Psycho-Sexologist and host of Audible’s ‘Sex Therapy’ podcast, Chantelle Otten, on how it could improve your life.

By Chantelle Otten

If your sex life feels like it’s missing something—be it connection, pleasure, or understanding—it might be time to consider sex therapy. Often misunderstood, sex therapy is a powerful, judgement-free space that’s all about fostering deeper connections, improving communication, and embracing sexual confidence. No one knows this quite like psycho-sexologist and relationship expert Chantelle Otten, whose Audible Original podcast Sex Therapy takes listeners inside her sessions with anonymous, real-life patients. Whether you’re seeking guidance about mismatched libidos or simply after a better understanding of your body and needs, scroll on for the key signs that sex therapy could help you unlock a more fulfilling, empowered sexual life, according to Chantelle.

sex therapy 101

How can sex therapy contribute to one’s overall emotional wellbeing and personal growth?

Sex therapy can have a profound impact on emotional wellbeing and personal growth. Our sexuality is deeply connected to how we feel about ourselves, our relationships, and the world around us. When we’re able to explore and understand our desires, boundaries, and experiences without shame, it opens up space for greater self-awareness and confidence.

Through sex therapy, people can work through feelings of insecurity, past trauma, or relationship challenges that might be holding them back. By addressing these issues, they often find that not only does their sexual health improve, but so does their overall sense of self. It’s about giving people the tools to connect more deeply—with themselves and with others—leading to more fulfilling relationships, better communication, and ultimately, personal growth.

It’s empowering to realise that sexual health is an integral part of emotional wellbeing, and therapy helps people embrace that in a healthy, balanced way.

What are some common misconceptions about sex therapy that might deter people from seeking help?

One of the most common misconceptions about sex therapy is that it’s only for people with extreme issues or dysfunctions, but that’s far from the truth. Sex therapy is for anyone who wants to improve their relationship with their sexual self or their partner. People often assume they’ll be judged, or that it will be awkward, but it’s really about creating a safe, supportive space where they can explore their concerns without fear or shame.

Another misconception is that sex therapy is purely focused on the mechanics of sex. In reality, so much of what we work on is emotional—communication, self-esteem, intimacy, and understanding how past experiences shape current dynamics. It’s about the whole person, not just the physical aspect of sex.

Lastly, some people worry that coming to sex therapy means something is “wrong” with them, but it’s really about growth and empowerment. Seeking help is a positive, proactive step towards better understanding and enhancing your sexual health and relationships.

In what ways can sex therapy address issues beyond sex?

Sex therapy can actually address a wide range of issues that extend beyond just the physical aspects of sex. A lot of the work we do is centred around emotional connection, self-esteem, communication, and intimacy. For example, many people come in thinking their concerns are purely sexual, but often it’s linked to stress, anxiety, or unresolved emotional trauma. By working through these underlying issues, we can help people feel more secure in themselves and their relationships, which has a ripple effect on their overall wellbeing.

We also explore relationship dynamics—how partners interact, communicate, and express their needs. These skills translate into other areas of life, like building stronger emotional resilience and improving self-awareness. It’s about learning to connect with yourself and others in a more meaningful, authentic way, which ultimately enhances both your sexual and emotional life. So while the focus might start with sex, the impact of therapy can be much broader.

How does sex therapy integrate with other forms of therapy or counselling to provide a well-rounded approach to mental health?

Sex therapy often works hand-in-hand with other forms of therapy or counselling, creating a more holistic approach to mental health. Our sexual wellbeing is deeply intertwined with our emotional, psychological, and relational health, so it’s important to treat the whole person. If a client is already working with a psychologist or counsellor, sex therapy can complement that by focusing specifically on the sexual and relational aspects of their life.

For instance, if someone is dealing with anxiety, depression, or trauma, those issues often impact their sexual experiences or how they connect with a partner. In sex therapy, we can work through those concerns in a way that addresses both the emotional and sexual sides of things. By integrating approaches, we create a safe, cohesive space where clients can explore all aspects of their mental health without compartmentalising one part of their life from another. It’s all about treating the person as a whole, not just focusing on isolated symptoms.

What role does open communication play in the success of sex therapy, and how is this cultivated in sessions?

Open communication is absolutely essential to the success of sex therapy. So much of the work we do revolves around helping people feel comfortable enough to express their needs, desires, and boundaries—often for the first time. In therapy, we create a space where clients feel safe to talk openly without fear of judgement or shame, which is key to making progress.

In sessions, this is cultivated by encouraging honest, non-confrontational dialogue. We explore how to communicate clearly and compassionately with both yourself and your partner. For couples, it’s about learning how to listen and express themselves in a way that strengthens the relationship, rather than causing misunderstandings. We also talk about practical strategies, like using “I” statements or slowing down conversations to really understand what each person is saying.

Over time, these communication tools become part of the client’s daily life, not just in the therapy room. The more open and honest you can be, the deeper the connection you can build with your partner—and with yourself.

How can individuals or couples know when it’s the right time to seek sex therapy?

The right time to seek sex therapy isn’t just when you’re facing issues—it’s also when you want to learn more about sex, explore new sides of your sexual self, or deepen your connection with your partner. Sex therapy can be an empowering space to explore the fun side of things, gain valuable education, and understand more about your desires and boundaries. Whether you’re curious about enhancing intimacy, improving communication, or just wanting to feel more confident in your sexual experiences, therapy can help.

Of course, if communication around intimacy starts breaking down, or you’re noticing recurring issues like mismatched libidos or sexual dysfunction, that’s a sign it might be time to explore things further. But even if you’re not dealing with big concerns, sex therapy is also about growth, education, and discovering what feels good for you.

It’s all about taking a proactive step, whether it’s to resolve an issue or simply to learn and grow in your sexual wellbeing.

What are some of the most significant barriers people face when considering sex therapy, and how can they be overcome?

One of the biggest barriers people face when considering sex therapy is the fear of judgement or shame. Talking about sex can feel vulnerable, and many people worry that their concerns will be seen as abnormal or embarrassing. To overcome this, it’s important to remember that sex therapists are trained to create a safe, non-judgmental space where these topics are handled with sensitivity and care. Everyone’s experiences and challenges are valid, and seeking support is a positive step towards growth.

Another common barrier is the misconception that sex therapy is only for people with major issues. Many people think they need to wait until something goes seriously wrong to seek help. In reality, sex therapy is for anyone looking to improve their sexual health, whether that’s addressing concerns or simply learning more about sex and intimacy. Normalising therapy as part of a healthy lifestyle can make it easier to take that first step.

Lastly, some people might feel hesitant due to cultural or societal taboos around sex. Overcoming this involves recognising that sexual health is just as important as physical or mental health, and that seeking help is a way to enhance overall wellbeing. The more we talk openly about sexual health, the less intimidating it becomes.

How has the field of sex therapy evolved in recent years?

The field of sex therapy has evolved significantly in recent years, becoming much more inclusive, open, and attuned to the complexities of human sexuality. There’s a greater emphasis now on recognising the diversity of sexual experiences, from different sexual orientations and gender identities to non-traditional relationship structures like polyamory or open relationships. This shift has made therapy more accessible and welcoming to a broader range of people.

We’re also seeing more integration of mental health and sexual health, recognising that these two are deeply connected. Conversations around anxiety, trauma, and body image are often part of sex therapy now, as people understand that emotional wellbeing plays a huge role in sexual satisfaction and connection.

Another big change is the move towards normalising sex therapy as not just a last resort, but as a proactive and educational resource. More people are seeking therapy to enhance their sexual experiences, improve communication, and explore pleasure—not just to address problems. The field is growing to reflect the understanding that sexual health is a key part of overall well being, and that’s been a really exciting development.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Scheduled Sex Can Be Sexy, According to Esther Perel

— The famed relationship therapist says a little premeditation can be a great way out of a relationship rut.

By Erin Bunch

My relationship recently hit a milestone described by Esther Perel as the “fatal erotic blow”—my partner and I transitioned into parenthood. In our experience so far, the famed sex and relationships therapist’s gloomy framing of life after baby has been spot on. Since the birth of our son, sex has completely disappeared from our relationship, with no sign of return. Desperate to maintain that part of myself, and of us, I recently suggested to my partner that we start scheduling sex dates. His response (by text) was: calendar emoji + eggplant emoji + gravestone emoji. In other words, he gave the idea a hard (or rather, soft) pass.

Such resistance to the concept of scheduled sex is not uncommon, Perel herself tells me weeks later when we meet by Zoom to discuss her two new on-topic couples courses, “Playing with Desire” and “Bringing Desire Back.” While nobody thinks scheduling a softball game will detract from the pleasure of playing softball, she says, people feel differently about sex. “Somehow it’s entered into people’s heads that sex should be natural, it should just happen.” she says. “It should just come out of nowhere, envelope me, take me over, and burst out of me.”

My partner, I tell her, definitely struggles with the belief that sex is only good if it’s organic, and she says this mindset is setting us both up for failure. “If you think desire is just this thing that sustains itself on its own—it’s spontaneous, unprompted—you will be disillusioned,” she says. “Good sex over time is premeditated. It’s willful, it’s conscious, it’s intentional.”

Hence, the sex date, the scheduling of which Perel says does not, as my partner fears, imply your relationship is more or less over. On the contrary, she says that when a couple sets aside such time together, it actually demonstrates a promising level of care for the relationship. “The sex date is something that confers importance,” she says. “It says it matters. It says we don’t wait for when we are completely in the mood. It says we meet, and we don’t just meet for the perfunctory meeting. We meet and we can create something special.”

But Perel says turning a to-do, even a sexual one, into anything but a “perfunctory meeting” requires effort and forethought. Sexy sex dates don’t just happen, and her advice for transforming what could be rote into an erotic experience goes far deeper than lingerie and candles.

Step One: Build Anticipation

To begin with, she says, couples must endeavor to create an atmosphere of anticipation around the scheduled rendezvous. Since this isn’t a given—clearly, my partner wouldn’t exactly be drawing hearts around the date on his calendar—it requires what Perel refers to as foreplay, which is much more involved than a few moments of physical warm up prior to intercourse. “Foreplay actually starts at the end of your previous orgasm,” she says.

Here, foreplay means anything that creates “a shift in mindset signaling availability.” It’s flirtation, sexual tension, playfulness—the creation of a vibe between you and your partner. “People think they can scratch the back of the other person and they will be hot and aroused,” says Perel. “But can you do a little more? Can you seduce me? Can you play with me? Can you send me a little note?”

If it’s helpful, she suggests imagining things you might do for a lover rather than a partner. “[With a lover], you’re engaged in a plot. You’re writing a story. It has moods, it has imagery. It has a whole world to it,” she says. And if this is starting to sound like a heavy lift, rest assured that gestures such as a flirty text or small sexy gift can suffice. The key is just to get both parties excited about the scheduled time, so that it feels less like a to-do and more like an I-can’t-wait-to-do-you.

Step Two: Design Rituals

Next, Perel says it’s important to “infuse” the sex date with rituals. Doing so, she explains, helps signal that the event is unique, special, and significant. “Routines create consistency, but the ritual is what gives creativity and intentionality to the routine,” she says.

Your ritual or rituals can be anything, and it doesn’t have to be complicated, just consistent. Maybe you always open your favorite bottle of wine, for example, or put on a specific playlist. “It’s a small thing,” says Perel.

Rituals can also be designed to help you switch from caretaking mode, or career mode, or whatever your daily default mode may be, so that you can tap into your erotic, most alive self. As a new parent, for example, she tells me my ritual could include a shower, a massage, or “anything that brings the woman out from behind the mother.”

Step 3: Ask Yourself Perel’s Favorite Question

To further prepare for your date, it might be helpful to ask yourself one of Perel’s go-to questions for clients, which is “What turns you off?” or “What shuts you down?”

“People will tell you, ‘I turn off when I’m worried, when I’m anxious about money, when I feel like I’m not doing well at work, when I struggle with money, when I feel bloated,’” she says. “It has not much to do with sex, per se. It has to do with life. ‘I’m not alive when…’.” The answers to this question can then help you understand what needs to be left at the door.

On the flip side, asking yourself what turns you on, what helps you feel present and alive, can also help, says Perel. “‘I turn myself on by’ is not the same as ‘what turns me on is’ or ‘you turn me on when’,” she says. Instead, it’s about owning your own desire. “So the question is, ‘How do you make yourself available?’ How do you give yourself permission? How do you make yourself present?”

Without this intel, Perel says, you can tell your partner what works for you, but it probably won’t work. “You won’t respond because you’re not in it. You’re not present,” she says. And while your honest answer may be something along the lines of ‘a first-class ticket somewhere tropical,’ the key is to think of smaller, more achievable turn-ons that will ease you into a more erotic headspace, e.g. a wax, a cocktail, or a compliment from your partner.

Step 4: Understand What Creates Desire

While desire is complex, Perel offers a recipe of sorts, which is “curiosity plus risk.” Curiosity, she says, helps mitigate the less-than-sexy feeling of familiarity. “Curiosity is a key ingredient of eroticism, and that is, ‘Who is this person’ What do they think? How do they experience things? What does coffee taste like to them?’,” she says. Such curiosity often dies as two people enter a place of safety and security together, but she says rediscovering it can help you rediscover passion for your partner. “The need for familiarity is absolutely real, but it cannot be at the expense of no longer having the discovery, the exploration,” she says. “If you don’t have curiosity, you choke the erotic.”

And while you may think you know everything about your partner, Perel says this is an illusion. “We don’t have to create the mystery, the unknown, the discovery,” she says. “It is right in front of us—we just have to engage with it.”

Risk, meanwhile, is a related concept, as it’s also about breaking free of the familiar and stepping outside of your comfort zone as a couple. “If you do the things you enjoy that are familiar to you, then you have good friendship, consistency, reliability. It brings cuddle, not sizzle,” she says. “If you want sizzle, you have to go and create things together, experience new things together, experience yourself differently from how you usually experience yourself in the presence of that person.”

For Perel, risk doesn’t have to take the shape of, say, nonmonogamy. She describes it instead as a combination of novelty and playfulness. “Novelty creates uncertainty, and the creation of uncertainty in the midst of familiarity is unbeatable,” she says. “So what does this mean? It’s not big productions. It’s just doing something you’ve never done together.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The seven things only a sex therapist will tell you

— If your sex life is awkward, unenjoyable or simply non-existent, a sex therapist shares her top tips to improve intimacy

By

As a sex therapist, I make space for people to let go of what they think should be happening and move towards what they truly desire. I often see clients who are stuck in their sex lives, or not having the kind of pleasure they want. There are seven key things I have learnt in my time as a sex therapist that can help individuals break free and improve their sex lives.

If people avoid talking about sex, it is often for the wrong reasons

It’s so common for people to be avoidant about the topic of sex that the underlying reasons for it are rarely even considered. I have found that at the root of any avoidance or awkwardness there is usually something the individual has catastrophised. They avoid talking about sex as, unconsciously, they believe that doing so could reveal catastrophic truths, such as that their partner totally fantasises about someone else or that others are far more competent in the bedroom than they are. These unexamined worst fears are rarely the reality.

A client may say “I think he really doesn’t find me attractive anymore, since I’ve given birth” and my response is “OK, but what makes you think that, have you asked him? Have you asked what might be going on with him, or been curious about the changes in your sex life?”

If I could give only one piece of advice, it would be to let go of assumptions and expectations and find out what is going on with your partner.

Shame is the ultimate passion killer

Individuals often carry unconscious shame, which can greatly impact desire. Feelings of shame may be linked to negative sexual experiences but shame can date back to childhood. It can be surprising for people to realise that their sex life is being affected by beliefs and feelings originally unrelated to sex. For example, a child may have learnt to be ashamed of their own needs if they were expected to suppress them in favour of other people’s. As an adult, this may cause them to focus only on their partner and to totally disconnect from their own pleasure and enjoyment. In therapy, this relates to what we call conditions of worth: believing that we are worthy only if we meet certain conditions. Unpicking these conditions of worth can pave the way for far greater passion.

One particular client, a single woman in her 30s, was struggling with sexual shame. We talked about a difficult sexual experience and she came to the realisation that the experience had not been consensual. Once she was able to see this for what it actually was, and to think about how her body had felt, the shame began to dissipate. She then reframed the experience as sexual assault. It was a tough realisation, but this alignment was ultimately incredibly freeing for her.

Libido and orgasm type can be changed

Many aspects of a sexual relationship can be transformed by therapeutic work. A mismatched libido is very common but there is great potential for sex drives to become more in sync. There is a playful erotic exercise which can be really helpful: the couple ‘show and tell’ by demonstrating to each other what they like through self-pleasure. Couples find this game-changing for increasing their desire and libido and I highly recommend anyone in a trusting partnership try this exercise.

Similarly, people may have a fixed way to reach orgasm, but this too can change. By spending time focussing on their senses and exploring touch, they may discover, for example, that they can orgasm from nipple play.

A recently divorced woman in her 50s came to see me because she was feeling lost within her sexual self. She had been a wife and a parent for more than half her life and was keen to enter into a new form of relationship and sexual adventure but didn’t know where to start. After working on self pleasure and becoming more aware of her body’s responses, she found that she had a new fantasy life, focussed on being dominant rather than submitting. She went from low confidence and self-worth to loving her body and feeling empowered about having choices; she was reminded that her relationships, and her life, were in her control.

An achievement mindset is not helpful when it comes to sex

Goal-orientated pressure can really diminish sex. This can be particularly apparent for clients who are trying to conceive, as the pressure of timing can lead to difficulty maintaining an erection. But striving to ‘achieve’ can cause psychosexual issues in many other scenarios. People who experience issues such as vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, delayed, early or absent ejaculation will often be feeling a great deal of pressure – from a partner, societal norms, or themselves.

People would be far less concerned about achieving certain sexual goals if they knew the wide variation in people’s experience and knowledge. Some women are unfamiliar with their own genitals; some married couples have never had sex; some men do not know how to perform penetration. I see couples, for example, who have been to the doctors for their struggle with conception; yet when they come to see me and we talk it becomes apparent that penetration isn’t actually occurring. Little to no sexual experience is far more common than many would assume.

Planning sex can be genuinely sexy – plus it reduces the risk of rejection

People tend to expect that there should be total spontaneity in their sex life; that they should be having unpredictable sex every other day of the week, on the kitchen counter; and that it should all just ‘happen’. However, for most people, life simply gets in the way. The expectation of spontaneity also means that sex isn’t talked about beforehand; couples assume they should be completely aligned and just know what each other wants. But this is unrealistic.

People are usually resistant to planning sex, but it can be very sexy and erotic – communication throughout the day about the where and the when can build up the arousal. Equally, deciding in advance not to have sex, feels so much better than one person spontaneously initiating, only to have the other person turn away.

Planning sex was transformative for a couple in their 30s who, when they first came to see me, thought they would never be able to have sex again. The woman had MS, the man had painful arthritic hips, and every time they tried to have sex one or both of them would be in pain and take days to recover. Attempting to have sex had become a tense and sad experience. Initially we worked on building intimacy and connection through non-penetrative exercises, then we thought carefully about their bodies and came up with different sexual positions for them to try including the use of supportive cushions. They were delighted to be able to be intimate in these new ways.

Authenticity, not perceived attractiveness, is what is important

So many people, regardless of gender, have negative feelings about their body, worry about their appearance or about being ‘enough’ for their partner. But it’s not looks that make a satisfying sexual connection: it is feelings – genuine and authentic feelings. Authenticity is the antidote to shame and insecurity and the key to intimacy.

If people are struggling with insecurity we can look at the relationship; whether they are accepted for who they are, and whether they take pride in all that their body does for them. Working with people around their truth, their authentic self, is powerful.

There is such a thing as sex homework

Sex homework can involve journaling, self exploration exercises or whole body massage. But a classic sex homework task is to temporarily avoid penetration. This removes the perceived goal from sex and allows for more focus on sensations and emotions. This can be transformative for people, even if they’ve been having sex together for years.

It is my hope that, regardless of where they are now, people can release fear and shame and experience more joy and pleasure. Which is often easier than they think!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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More SEX WISDOM With Dr Cheryl Cohen Greene — Podcast #327 — 04/04/12

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hello sex fans! Welcome back.

Renowned sexologist and surrogate partner therapist, Dr Cheryl Cohen Greene is back with us today to dispense more of her signature SEX WISDOM. And if you thought last week’s show was marvelous, as so many of you did, you’re gonna love today’s show even more.

But wait; you didn’t miss Part 1 of our conversation, did you? Well not to worry if you did, because you will find it and all of my shows in the podcast archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the site’s search function in the header, type in podcast #326 and Voilà! But don’t forget to use the #sign when you do your search.

Cheryl and I discuss:

  • The blind spots some therapists have regarding surrogate partner therapy;
  • IPSA surrogate training;
  • Recommending this work to others;
  • What she looks for in others considering a career as a surrogate partner;
  • Sex positions;
  • Sexual compulsions and obsessions;
  • Sex toys;
  • Keeping things interesting for couples in long-term relationships;
  • Who inspires her and her sexual heroes;
  • Advice for the aspiring sexologist.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

drdickvod.jpg

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SEX WISDOM With Dr Cheryl Cohen Greene — Podcast #326 — 03/28/12

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hello sex fans! Welcome back.

Holy cow, do I have a fantastic show in store for you today. Despite the numerous remarkable guests that have appeared on this the SEX WISDOM series, there’s no one who can lay a hand on today’s guest. I’m so pleased to welcome my good friend, my trusted colleague and my bosom buddy for nearly 20 years, the amazing Dr Cheryl Cohen Greene. I can’t wait for you to meet her, because I know you will love her as much as I do.

Cheryl is a fellow sexologist, however her career path has been significantly different than mine. She is certified surrogate partner, don’t cha know. And she’s been working as such for 38 years. She is renowned in her field, so much so that she and one of her former clients are the subjects of a major motion picture, staring John Hawkes, Helen Hunt and William H. Macy, which comes out later this year. You can be certain that I will press Cheryl for all the juicy details.

Cheryl and I discuss:

  • How we met;
  • Her lengthy career;
  • The shift from sex surrogate to surrogate partner;
  • Her friend and colleague Shai Rotem;
  • Common issues she sees in her practice;
  • Role modeling good relationships;
  • Her former client, poet and journalist, Mark O’Brian;
  • Being at Sundance for the movie premiere;
  • Surrogate as sex worker;
  • The legality of surrogate partner work;
  • Surrogate partner training;
  • How prospective clients find her.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

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SEX WISDOM with Ruth Neustifter — Podcast #253 – 01/05/1

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hey sex fans,

I have an outlandishly wonderful interview program for you today to launch the 2011 edition of this, the SEX WISDOM podcast series. You’ve come to expect prominent movers and shakers in the field of human sexuality as my guests in this series. And that’s because over the last year we’ve had an opportunity to meet outstanding researchers, educators, clinicians, pundits and philosophers; each one making news and reshaping how we look at our sexual selves.

So let’s start off this new year with at bang, shall we? I have the honor of welcoming a woman of distinction in the world of sex education. She is a Couples and Family therapist, a sought after lecturer and workshop leader, an author, and acclaimed educator and if that weren’t enough, she’s the star of her own line of sex positive videos. I am delighted to have with me the dynamo that is Dr. Ruthie.

And get this; to celebrate her appearance on my show, Dr. Ruthie is offering a FREE 1-hour consultation to a lucky listener. The terms for entering this giveaway are included in today’s show, so listen up. But here’s a tip; it involves tweeting about this podcast.

Dr. Ruthie and I discuss:

  • Sexual communication and Recovery from Intimate partner abuse;
  • Teaching family therapists in training;
  • AASECT membership;
  • Her professional journey and taking professional risks;
  • A free 1-hour consultation giveaway;
  • The role of the sex educator;
  • The Nice Girl’s Guide to Talking Dirty;
  • Her numerous lectures and workshops.

Click on the book art below to buy The Nice Girl’s Guide to Talking Dirty.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

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The Coast Is Clear

Name:  ??
Gender: Male
Age: 33
Location: Miami
I have two unrelated questions: 1. I love anal sex but am concerned that as I age I run the risk of eventually becoming incontinent due to the sexual activity down there. Is white_sneakersthis a valid concern or will my sphincter remain tight enough to hold everything in? I’ve read conflicting opinions. 2. My boyfriend likes the twinks. We’ve been together for about four years and even though I’m only a year younger (he‚s 35), part of the reason he’s attracted to me is my youthful appearance. We have a wonderful relationship — supportive and loving and the sex is great! We even have a semi-open relationship, which is working fine for us so far. However, I’m concerned that at some point he may try something with someone under 18. He enjoys visiting those Barely Legal type porn sites (which hold no interest for me and look illegal). I’ve discussed my concerns with him, and he says I have nothing to worry about because he’d never do anything. But on the other hand, he’s not the most disciplined person in the world. I’m worried that if the opportunity presented itself he wouldn’t be able to resist. If that happened, it would then present emotional and moral problems not to mention legal issues not just for him but (I’m assuming) for me as well. I guess
I’m not sure what my question is. I know the gay community (and really the world) is obsessed with youth, but does this sound like more than that?  Do I have a legitimate concern, or am I being a prude? Obviously you don’t know my boyfriend, but I can’t discern if he just enjoys the fantasy of a younger man/boy or if this could become a problem. If it’s just a fantasy then I have no problem letting him have his fun. Heck, he can fuck all the 20 year olds he wants as far as I’m concerned. (Maybe this stems from my insecurity of growing older even though he insists he will love me even when I’m old and grey). But, if this is more than a fantasy then what do I do?
Thanks, Dr. Dick! Your faithful reader

Let’s address your two concerns in turn.  First, regarding your ass sex question.  Your typical butt-pirate has nothing to worry about in terms of becoming incontinent.  However, you oughta do what every power bottom does to stay in tip-top shape down there — Kegel exercises.

Don’t know kegel exercises from a hole in your head?  Not to worry.  I’ve written and spoken so much about this timely topic, whicht applies to both men and women, I barely have the energy to repeat myself.  So I won’t!

All ya gotta do is use the SEARCH function in the sidebar to your right.  Simply type in the keyword “kegels” and PRESTO!  Just like magic, all my posting and podcasts that include that topic are displayed.  You can read and listen till your heart’s content.

To your other concern, the one about your BF’s interest in the barely-legal crowd; there’s not much you can do about this one way or another.  Most of the adult people I know who have a thing for the young ones keep it on a purely fantasy level.  Those who stray off the daydream path and onto a course of actual pursuit find themselves in all kinds of jeopardy.  Not lest of which is the ridiculous nature of the quest.  Sounds to me like your BF already knows all of this.  But if he doesn’t, it’ll be he who pays, not you.

My advice to you is; take him at his word and worry not.

Name: james
Gender: Male
Age: 48
Location: sutton in ashfield
I have large veins that stick out on my testicles are these anything to worry about

Some guys have smooth balls; some guys have hairy balls; some guys have veiny balls and some guy’s balls are all shriveled up. That’s all balls_uncutthere is to it.

As we age some of us develop varicose veins in our lower extremities.  It’s the force of gravity, don’t cha know.  Varicose veins can occur in our nut sack too.  Sometimes this is associated with wearing a too tight cockring for too long a time.  But it is just as likely to be an issue of genetics.  Not much you can do about it and there is no real danger.

If you aren’t experiencing any discomfort in your family jewels, things are probably ok and I wouldn’t worry.  However, if you are anxious about this, or there is soreness or tenderness or you have other concerns; take your huevos to an MD and have ‘em checked out.  Simple as all that!

Name: Marcus
Gender: Male
Age: 47
Location: Southeast US
I am intrigued by nipple suction pumps, but cannot find much information about their effectiveness on guys. How long do your nipples stay enlarged? Is there any risk or danger in using one of these contraptions? Thanks for any help/direction you can give!

Nipple play is fun for both women and men.  There are several ways of enlarging one’s nipples.  There are low-tech suction devices, metal stretchers and the more high-tech vacuum devices.  All of these systems are very popular.  Have a look in My Stockroom for some examples.  Just search the site using the key word “nipple”.

1 2 5 8 7 6

Wireless Vibrating Nipple Clamps (D120) $32.00
Tit Tuggers (C656) $125.00
The Titilizer (A237) $16.50
10-Piece Cupping Set (B264) $57.00
Snake Bite Kit (A300) $8.00
Nipple Suction Device (B092) $18.00

If you are a casual tit-torturer your nipples will stay enlarged for a few hours.  If you are a hardcore tit-torturer you can completely and permanently alter the look of your nipples.  Is there a risk or is there danger?  Not unless you overdo it.

Name: Tara
Gender: Female
Age: 25
Location: Hoboken, NJ
I got this cute guy friend who’s asked if he can come on my vacation to Bangor, Maine (Stephen King’s home!). So I asked this guy, who’s single, if he wants one bed or two. He said it didn’t matter, so I booked one bed at the hotel. Does this mean he wants to have sex with me? I’m dumping down a ton of money, so I hope so!

How the hell should I know?  He could be hot to get in your pants, or he might simply need an all expense paid holiday.

Why not just ask him.  What’s with the coy routine?  Of course, you could do like the hippies used to do and tell your cute guy friend — “Ass, gas or grass!  No one rides for free.”

gasgrassass

Hi, I have a question that I can not ask anyone else so I found your web site and would really appreciate your advice. Ok, so when I have sex sometimes instead of cuming when I have an orgasm, I pee. Sometimes I do cum though. But when it feels really good and I release, I release pee instead of cum. I just want to know if this happens to other people, and why this happens. And can I fix this. What can I do to make this not happen? I don’t like it happening. I feel bad for my boyfriend who has to have pee on his penis. Please, please, please take the time to reply to me. Thank you for your time. Have a great day.
—   Anonymous.

Are you sure that what you are experiencing is pee?  Could it possibly be that you are ejaculating?  For a good deal of information on this, check out the site called The Clitoris.

Of course, lots of women feel like they have to pee when they cum.  In fact, lots of women actually do pee as they cum.

If indeed you are peeing when you cum, I’d say you are experiencing what we in the business call — stress incontinence.

Stress incontinence can happen just about any time.  Anxiety, stress, working out, jogging, fucking crreampie1can all trigger this type of incontinence.

Curiously enough, research shows that younger women actually have more stress incontinence during sex than do older women.  While only 3% of women over age 65 reported incontinence during sexual activity, 29% of women under age 60 did.

Regardless of the cause of the stress incontinence — nervousness, exercise or sex there is one common denominator.  It’s always related to the strength of a woman’s pelvic floor muscles. The weaker those muscles are, the more likely a woman will leak pee during physical exercise, fucking, sneezing or even laughing.

While many women experience stress incontinence from time to time, there’s a relatively simple solution to the problem. Your pelvic muscles and the tissues surrounding them get stretched out and damaged with time.  Pregnancies will also do a number on these muscles.  They also weaken with age.  And if you are overweight, well that will weaken pelvic floor muscles too as well as add to the likelihood of stress incontinence.

So you might be asking right about now, what IS this simple solution?  Why, it’s Kegel exercises, of course.  (See my response to the first correspondent above.)

Good luck ya’ll

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No, seriously…

Name: PaunFarr
Gender: Male
Age: 41
Location: Ohio
Dr. Dick, I’m feeling the intense letdown of the ballot issues passed this week in California, Florida and Arkansas. Especially CA, where they had gay marriage but now have lost it, and my heart goes out for all those married couples now in limbo. I don’t understand this. Ohio passed their “marriage protection” act a couple years ago, and it was a devastating blow to me. Why is ok for the majority to restrict the rights of the minority? Where is our defender? Where is justice simply because it’s the right thing, not necessarily the popular thing? Will Barack Obama be able to turn around the tide of hatred and discrimination that George Bush has sewn for eight years? How long must we wait to be recognized as equal citizens and not made to feel like the lowest form of person possible? Looking for some advice on how to hold my head high when we’re so often given the message to slink away.

Yeah, I’m bummed too.  But the November 4th vote is not the end of the story.  There dr_dick_1976.jpgare many more chapters yet to be written.  Don’t let your disappointment and frustration take the wind out of your sails.

The very first thing I learned in the 30 plus years I’ve spent fighting for human rights, is that equality and justice never comes easily.  The second thing I learned is that my dignity and self-worth is not dependent on the approbation of others.

You learn to hold your head up because you KNOW you are as good as anyone else.  You fight inequality and injustice wherever you find it, not just in the gay community.  You make allies of all the other people in your community who are marginalized for whatever reason.  You build a coalition.  When your efforts fail, as they often will, you support and encourage your colleagues and plan your next assault on the in equitable and unjust system.  In fact, you redouble your grassroots organizing to broaden your base by reaching out to others in a language they will understand.  One thing is certain; other minorities will not automatically understand your oppression as a gay man any more than you will automatically understand what oppresses them.  But working together to find common ground will provide you the means to achieve your goals of equality in the dominant culture.  That’s how it’s done.

And ya know what?  This struggle is never over.  If you leave the battle once your rights have been secured, then you signal to your allies that you were only in it for yourself.  Nothing will undermine a coalition faster than selfishness.

Whatever you do, don’t be lookin for a defender to swoop in and save the day for you.  That’s the stuff of fairytales.  If you’re not on the front lines making this coalition happen, then don’t expect anyone, from the president on down, to come to your rescue.  Remember, dignity is not the result of the struggle; dignity is in the struggle.  Make this your life’s work and you won’t be discouraged with one, or even several, set backs.

Name: Paige
Gender: Female
Age: 22
Location:  Tulsa
I am engaged to a wonderful guy.  I’m excited about my upcoming marriage, but I’m also afraid that it will fail.  I know you are going to think we’re freaks, but my fiancé and I have decided to save ourselves for after we are married. Some of our friends even our recently married friends are having trouble with their relationship and with the divorce rate so high, what are the chances that my marriage will work?  Do I just have cold feet or am I not ready to get married?

First off, I don’t think you’re a freak for reserving full sexual expression till after you bride32.jpgare married.  It wasn’t too long ago when that sort of thing was the norm.  And as you say, even though nowadays most people enter marriage as established sex partners, that alone won’t insure a marriage will be a success.

So ok, if a successful marriage is not dependent on sexual experience what does it take to make a marriage work?  Hell, if I knew that I’d bottle it and make myself a well deserved fortune.

For the sake of argument, let’s just say you are the marrying kind and that you simply have cold feet, like every bride and groom to be does.  Let’s say that you and your fiancé have made the right choice…for you…to enter your marriage as virgins.  What’s next?  Possibly you need to jettison the Pollyanna notion that marriage is a breeze.  Your recently married friends are having problems because there are always problems in a marriage.  It’s the nature of the beast.  Hopefully, the problems you guys will face won’t be insurmountable.  But, sure as shootin’, problems will be your constant companions, sometimes they’ll even big problems. So count on it and prepare yourself accordingly.

If you have an unwavering commitment to one another to do whatever it takes to make your overall relationship work, you’ll probably be ok. Being sexually unfamiliar with one another may be a liability or it might be an asset.  One thing is certain, if you guys start to have problems with the whole sex thing, as often happens for newlyweds, get help right away.  There should be no shame or embarrassment about that.  In fact, you might want to be proactive and start looking around for sexual enrichment courses or videos to help you grow together as lovers.  Look to my Product Review Page for some video and toy suggestions.

bride0020.jpgHere are some generic tips.  Great sex is dependent on mutuality.  Be sure your partner knows he or she is loved, appreciated and respected.  One of you may discover that he or she has a stronger libido than the other.  That’s pretty common.  Deal with this immediately, like adults. Don’t wait for your relationship to go broken. Accommodations and compromise are always necessary in seeking the common good.  And people come to compromise and accommodation through effective communication.  If you don’t know how to do that, your relationship is doomed.

Passion is not a dirty word, nor is creative sexual expression a sin.  If you have religious scruples about enjoying your body and that of your fiancé you’re headed for trouble.  Boredom in the bedroom, particularly for newlyweds is a recipe for disaster.

Saving yourself for your wedding night does not preclude you being well versed in self-pleasuring.  In fact, the more you know about your body and the mysteries of your sexual response cycle the smoother things will go for the two of you on your wedding night. Nowadays there is absolutely no need for anyone to come to their marriage bed uninformed about sex in general and his or her sexuality in particular.  And come prepared; always have lots and lots of lube handy!

Like I said, mutuality is the key.  And since we all evolve sexually, both of you will need to grow right along with your partner.  Make your sex play an adventure.  Never hesitate to check in with one another to see how the pleasure thing is going.  What worked last time is not necessarily gonna work the next time.

Spontaneity is always a real good thing.  Traditional marriage doesn’t mean you have to be stogy.  Both of you need to take responsibility for seeing that your intimacy needs are being met.  Sometimes that will involve fucking like bunnies, other times it will mean vegging-out in front of the boob-tube with a fist full of Häagen-Dazs.

Openness and honesty about your most secret sexual desires and needs is essential.  Can’t trust your partner with your secrets, you oughtn’t be married to him or her.  Take responsibility for your own sexuality.  Ask for what you want and need, but don’t neglect caring for yourself.

Seek your partner’s pleasure before your own.  This is particularly important for a man.  If you become too busy to celebrate your sexuality together, you are indeed too fuckin busy.  Prioritize your life with your partner at its center.

There’s a fundamental difference between making love and fucking.  Both have their place in a healthy marriage.  And there ought also be room for solitary sex too.  Everyone in entitled to privacy and private time, especially in a marriage.

Have some creativity about your sexual expression.  Toys, fantasies, role-playing, they’re all good.  Don’t be afraid to experiment.  Attend to making your sex play spaces fit the mood — romantic to down and dirty.  One size does not fit all, if you catch my drift.

If you plan to go to seed once you’re married you can be assured that the fire will go out just as soon as you do.  Stay in shape, get plenty of exercise, and keep yourself attractive to your partner.  Pay attention to your personal hygiene. No one wants to bump someone with a smelly body and bad breath.

Make sure your partner is fully aroused before full-on fucking.  And remember sex is way more than the old in an out.  Finally, have a sense of humor about the whole thing; it will help take the edge off.

Name: Steve
Gender: male
Age: 46
Location:
Safe to swallow?  Improve the taste?

I just love it when ya’ll take the time to write or call me to tell me about your spunk. I like it for two reasons. First, it reassures me that ya’ll are paying attention to your sexual response cycle.  And  that you continue to be fascinated with how your body works. These are two really good things.

Second, well hell, I just get a kick outta hearin’ about your joy juice discoveries. Gosh, seed2.JPGIt warms the cockles of my poor old heart.  So keep it up, so to speak, and keep the good doctor informed. Who knows one day I may hear something I’ve never heard before.

Back to you Steve, there ain’t nothin’ to get all freaked out about.  Eatin’ your spooge will not make you sick. If you get off suckin’ up your own seed, knock yourself out. Have a ball! Oh wait, you already are!

Think about it for a minute, there couldn’t possibly be anything in your cum that could harm big old you, because that would mean it would also be harmful to your cute little defenseless sperm. But it’s not, so there.

Technically speaking, your joy juice, semen to be more precise, is mostly water. There’s also a simple sugar to keep you’re hard workin’ sperm alive and well. And, the rest is pure protein, baby. So look at it this way, your eating habits, so to speak, will require you to eat just a little less tofu than the rest of us.

And I do know a little something about making your spooge…spunkalicious.
Most of our ejaculate is produced in our seminal vesicles and prostate gland: not in our testicles, as most folks think. Only our sperm is produced in our balls, and sperm makes up only a fraction of our ejaculate. Our prostate gland is influenced by what we consume; eat, drink, smoke, things like that. So if you want to have sweet tasting jizz, for yourself and others, watch what you consume. Oh, and drink lots of water too.

Eating celery and/or parsley can have an almost immediate effect on the taste of your cum. Some report that the effect can be as swift as 30 minutes. So not only do celery and parsley freshen your breath, but they freshen your spunk as well. Hey, it’s like having two mints in one.

Oh and I can turn you on to a brand new product.  So brand new, in fact, that I have yetsmallermaple.jpg to publish a review of it on my Product Review Page.  Let me introduce you to Intimate Teas.  They have this special tea called My Maple Cookie.  It’s a unique blend of premium herbs specially formulated to change the female genitalia and male semen to smell and taste like pure maple.  How fun is that?  And it really works too.  I mean, who doesn’t want his/her juices to smell and taste like dessert?

If your diet is heavy with meats and fish your jizz will most likely have a bitter taste. A high concentration of dairy products creates a foul taste…so does all that coffee and nicotine. Lots of fruits and vegetables in your diet (except for asparagus that is) will produce a slightly sugary taste. And if you like your cocktails (the kind you drink, silly), it’s best to stick with high-quality, naturally fermented beers, wine or liquor. The cheap stuff, the rotgut, will not only give you a wicked hangover, but will cause your spooge to have an extremely acidic taste.

Name: Alva
Gender: female
Age: 40
Location:  New Mexico
It has been over six years since I have had sex. My husband of 12 years died cancer 5 years ago.  There was no sex in our relationship the last year of his life.  He was the love of my life and I still miss him so much. I would like to get back into the swing of things.  I just don’t know how.  My friends tell me I should get on with my life.  They tell me I’m still an attractive woman and that I’m wasting my life.  Sometimes they badger me so that I don’t want to be around them.  Maybe there’s something wrong with me.  Maybe I’m dead inside.  Why can’t I just move on?

You raise some very interesting issues, Alva, concerns that are often ignored or misdiagnosed by healing and helping professionals.  Grief has a profound effect on grief-1.jpgevery aspect of our lives.  Yet there is hardly any literature on the effects grief has on our sexuality.  To my mind, grief is the leading causes of sexual dysfunction for those who have experienced the death of a loved one.  And you, my dear, present some of the classic symptoms — indecision, self-doubt, lack of libido, a desire to isolate.

Before I continue I want to underscore that grief is not depression.  And treating grief with an antidepressant is counterproductive.  It can actually take away the impetus to resolve the grief and get on the rest of one’s life.

Now, is six years of grieving enough?  Apparently your friends think so. But what do you think?  Would reviving your sex life sully the memory of your dear departed husband?  I believe it’s time for you to bring this concern to a professional for help.  I suggest that you get some therapy from someone who is well versed in both sexuality and grief counseling. I say this not because I’m siding with your friends, but because you, yourself, identify this as a problem.

What could a counselor do for you, you may ask?  Well, I can only speak for myself, and the work I do in my practice.  A good portion of my practice is with sick and dying people and their friends and family who survive them.  I know the impact a terminal illness and the dying process can have on the surviving spouse or partner.  We often go into survival mode, shutting down so much of ourselves in an effort to have the strength to cope with this life-altering experience.  Of course, trying to kick-start our life afterwards is often a monumental effort.  Without the support and guidance of a professional or a group of similarly challenged people, some of us just sink to the lowest common denominator and stop fully functioning.

grief.jpgTraumatic events in our lives can radically shift us out of living mode into merely surviving mode.  And if this goes on for a long time — and six years is a very long time in my opinion — surviving mode begins to feel like living mode.  But it’s not!  Good thing we have friends to tell us when we are off course.  You are right to say that sometimes the interventions of our friends can feel like badgering.  And I know that’s not helpful.  But how else are they to convey their continued concern for your wellbeing?

I believe in the resilience of the human spirit.  I believe that we can honor our dead and continue to live and love too.  Now it’s true that some animals and even some humans mate for life.  And when the mate dies they never mate again.  However, this doesn’t sound like you, Alva.  It sounds to me like you have a desire to get on with your life, to fill the void, to make new connections, but you simply don’t know how.  Acknowledging that fact is a real good place to begin.

Perhaps you could start by reawakening your sexuality through self-pleasuring.  Reconnect with your body and the joy it can bring you.  Six years is a long time to be without, so starting up again may take some effort.  While you are working on resolving your grief in a grief support group, you might want to connect with another group member who will no doubt be experiencing much the same things as you.  You could explore your sexuality together.

Reestablishing a social life will no doubt follow, slowly at first.  But the inevitable tug of our basic need for human to human contact will draw you, if you let it.  Remember the best testament to those who have died is to continue to celebrate life itself.

Good luck ya’ll

Posted on

Sex Advice With An Edge — Podcast #71 — 07/14/08

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hey sex fans,

I have a great show for you today. It’s a total Q&A day, so buckle your seat belts, my friends; it’s gonna be a wild ride.

  • John gets the squirts when he swallows the spunk.
  • Karen is considering couple’s counseling.
  • Ron is deathly afraid that trying to blow himself makes him queer.
  • Steve is afraid his piss drinkin’ is gonna get him in trouble.
  • ??? isn’t gettin’ laid because of his little wiener…or so he thinks.
  • JC wonders if he can live in a sexless relationship.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download