Category: Internet Dating

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4 Essential Dates Every Couple Needs To Have

By Mark Travers

“If you’re too busy for date night, you’re too busy.” These are the words of Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned researchers, therapists and marriage counselors. While they suggest there are multiple factors that contribute to a thriving marriage, they place particular emphasis on the role of date nights.

According to their 2019 novel, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, there are eight conversation-focused dates that every couple should have in their relationship; in fact, they consider them essential. As they explain, “And the big secret to creating a love that lasts and grows over time is simple. Make dedicated, non-negotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner.”

Here’s a breakdown of the first four dates, including their suggestions on how to plan them out.

1. Lean On Me—Trust And Commitment

The first date should be focused on trust and commitment. They emphasize the importance of this date by reminding us that “In a relationship, commitment is a choice we make every single day, over and over again,” and that we should continue to “choose it even when we are tired and overworked and stressed out.”

  • Suggestions. One partner should plan this date to surprise the other, simply saying, “Trust me.” You could even take it a step further by blindfolding them, and physically guide them to the location.
  • Location. The Gottmans recommend the in-charge partner to “find an elevated location with a great view,” where both can sit while having a conversation. “If possible,” they say, “make this first date location somewhere that is meaningful to your love story.”
  • Conversation topic. The purpose of this date is to discuss what trust and commitment looks like in your relationship. How can you make each other feel safe? What are the agreements you share in your relationship about trust and commitment? Think about what trust looked like in your families of origin, and compare it to what it looks like in your relationship—even in the small ways you show it to each other.
  • What to bring/prepare. The Gottmans recommend couples to bring an open mind. Avoid blaming each other during tough parts of the conversation; remember to ask questions, to be honest and to see one another’s differences as opportunities to learn more about each other.
  • Post-date affirmations. After your date, take turns reading this affirmation to one another—maintaining full eye-contact: “I commit to choosing you each and every day and to showing you that our relationship is a priority. I also commit to having seven more dates and conversations.”

2. Agree To Disagree—Addressing Conflict

The second date should be focused on how you, as partners, address conflict in your relationship. While this may seem like an unusual date, the Gottmans advise discussing conflict management outside of actual fights, “as the best time to discuss conflict is not in the middle of a heated argument.”

  • Suggestions. The partner that wasn’t in charge of the first date should be responsible for the second date. Preferably, this date should be during a time where neither partner is tired or low on energy; you’ll want to be in the best mood possible, and ready to face whatever comes up head-on.
  • Location. Host this date in an area in which you’ll have privacy, like your favorite park bench, a secluded area of a beach or even just in your backyard. A great suggestion from the Gottmans, however, is to have this date during a walk; even if the conversation gets stuck, you’ll have to keep moving. Ideally, the date should happen in a spot you both associate with happy memories.
  • Conversation topic. The purpose of this date is to do a deep dive on the ways that conflict is managed in your relationship. How do you both differ in this regard, and how are you similar? How do you negotiate these differences?
  • What to bring/prepare. Be ready to discuss the aforementioned differences—without judgment or regret. Importantly, don’t avoid whatever conflict might arise; power through it, communicate unconditional acceptance of one another and do your best to recognize when a problem is or isn’t solvable.
  • Post-date affirmations. After your second date, take turns to read this promise to one another: “I commit to accepting you completely and embracing our differences. When we have conflict, I’ll seek to understand your feelings and point of view about the issue, and will manage our conflict as skillfully as possible. When regrettable incidents happen, I’ll seek to repair the damage through the process we have discussed.”

3. Let’s Get It On—Sex And Intimacy

Your third date is where you’ll focus on the state of sex and intimacy within your relationships. As the Gottmans explain, “We all want to keep our relationship passionate and connected, and there are ways to both create and destroy your connection that all take place out of the bedroom.” They note, however, that “What’s most important is not to let sex become the last item on a very long to-do list, the final obligation you turn to when you’re both exhausted.”

  • Suggestions. Both partners can take the reins on this date, as the goal is for it to be as “romantic and seductive as possible.” Sexiness, as the Gottmans explain, is key here; tell each other exactly what to wear, or you could even go so far as to lay each other’s outfit out for one another.
  • Location. This date should involve a candlelit dinner; it could be at your favorite restaurant, or (perhaps a better suggestion) somewhere much more private. The Gottmans suggest locations “such as a cove in a beach or a hidden corner of a public garden.” A physical aspect to the date—such as a dance class, some yoga or stretches—can also be a great way to prompt yourselves to get in tune with your bodies.
  • Conversation topic. This date should center around all things intimacy, romance, fantasy and sex related. What do you both envision and want sex to look like in your relationship? What rituals (whether sexual or generally intimacy-related) do you like, dislike or hope to start? Is sex something you’re comfortable discussing—and if so, why or why not? How can you work together to enhance passion and closeness in your partnership?
  • What to bring/prepare. You’ll both have to be brave, vulnerable and open-minded for this one. Remember to be as specific as possible in conveying your likes and dislikes, avoid comparing your current sex life to past ones, and to always be open-minded when you’re both discussing turn-ons and -offs.
  • Post-date affirmations. Conclude this date by taking turns to read this affirmation out loud to one another: “I commit to creating our own romantic rituals for connection, and creating more passion outside of the bedroom by expressing my affection and love for you. I commit to having a 6-second kiss every time we say goodbye or hello to each other for the next week. I commit to discussing, exploring and renewing our sexual relationship.”

4. The Cost Of Love—Work And Money

“Work can take up nearly as much of our time, energy and ability to commit as our relationship,” explain the Gottmans—which is why it’s important to focus on this topic during your fourth date. “In fact,” they continue, “work can often be the ‘third party’ in a relationship.” Thus, thoroughly discussing career and finances is nearly, if not as, important as talking about commitment, trust, conflict and sex.

  • Suggestions. The Gottmans suggest spending as little money as possible for this date, if any at all. Sweetly, they recommend couples to consider what their dates looked like before coming into wealth or money.
  • Location. As they explain, “You should go to any place that makes you feel comfortable, wealthy or rich in some way, however you define those things.” This could be the lobby of a 5-star hotel, or it could be a blanket on the floor of your living-room. The key here is to be creative. “Discuss the questions over lunch at home from your favorite take-out restaurant,” is another suggestion they make; “Dress thoughtfully. Use the good china. Pamper yourselves with at-home luxury.”
  • Conversation topic. The purpose of this date is to explore the many ways you both bring value to the relationship. What does it mean to “have enough money” for both of you? What are your histories with work and money? What contributions to the relationship (paid or unpaid) do you appreciate about one another? How do you both feel about work, and the ways it impacts your relationship?
  • What to bring/prepare. Note that this date should not be a conversation about numbers; come prepared to discuss what money means for you both, not the state of your finances. Refrain from minimizing one another’s work stress or values regarding money, and remember to allow yourselves to dream big in this regard. Importantly, be honest about your respective do’s, don’ts and must’s when it comes to wealth and finances.
  • Post-date affirmations. End this date off by reading this affirmation to one another: “I commit to respecting your values around money and work, and working together toward a shared financial goal.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Do Bi Women Keep Sleeping With Men?

By Katie Simon

“If I liked women, I’d never date a man again,” my friend Caroline said to me after a recent breakup. Bemoaning the straight dating scene, she seemed genuinely confused as to why someone bisexual—like me—would date men at all. And, really, what was stopping me from never sleeping with a guy again? It’s an amazing idea in theory: none of the misogyny, more orgasms. And yet, time and time again, I returned to them.

I’m not alone: As many as 88% of bi people are in opposite-sex partnerships. But why? One obvious answer is that it’s a numbers game: There are more straight men in the dating pool than women or nonbinary folks who date women. But a lot more is at play too.

For one thing, bi women, like everyone else, are influenced by heteronormativity, the social construct that asserts the default sexual orientation is straight—and any other relationships are abnormal or inferior. As Emily May, an AASECT-certified sex therapist, tells me: “How many of us grew up with Disney movies that told us we’d find Prince Charming, not Princess Charming? From the moment we could spell crush, society’s been nudging us toward that classic boy-meets-girl storyline.” Like many straight women, many bi women have ingrained ideas about everything from sex requiring penetration from a penis to kids needing a mom and a dad. Indeed, the pressures and standards of heteronormativity can compel bi people to hide our identities in many contexts so that we often show up in opposite-sex dating scenarios passing for straight.

NYU sexuality professor Taylor Orlandoni explains that the way bi women come out can also affect who we sleep with. “Today, queer women are engaging more frequently with identity-centered pathways, wondering and later self-realizing their queer identity, then taking the time to disclose their identity to family or friends—all before they ever have a same-sex experience,” she says. Because the way we define our sexuality is more about processing and noticing than enacting, Orlandoni notes that it tends to take bi women years longer than our lesbian counterparts to hit sexuality milestones like coming out or having a first queer sexual experience. While many of us will identify as bi, for a long time we’ll only act on our feelings toward men—a limbo period I’ve seen countless bi friends wrestle with.

And then there’s the matter of what happens when bi women do seek out same-sex relationships. The same heteronormative forces that can lead us to suppress our queerness can also complicate making inroads with other women. Edward Reese, a bi, nonbinary sexuality expert for the Taimi dating app, puts it to me this way: “Sapphic romance is still not a mainstream topic. It’s highly influenced by misogynistic and porn stereotypes, and representation in the media is lacking. So women don’t know how to act around other women and establish a connection with them, even when there are places to meet online and offline.” Reese adds that places to meet up in the real world, like lesbian bars, are slowly disappearing—and it takes chutzpah to actually follow through after meeting someone on an app.

Picking up on dating cues can be tough for bi women too. Saba Harouni, LMFT, says that not only have we been “steeped” in a heteronormative world, but we’ve also been socialized in heterosexual dating norms—meaning we may not necessarily know how to express interest in women and nonbinary folks. “Bisexual women may have a much more difficult time reading cues from other women or knowing how to initiate sexual or romantic relationships with women,” Harouni says. It can be tough to tell the difference between a queer woman hitting on you and a straight woman just giving you a compliment.

Still other bi women encounter the opposite problem: One person I spoke to, Yannis, likes to meet dates organically—out in the world—but she finds herself only chatting with men. “I think that’s likely because I usually present as more feminine or straight passing, as the kids say,” she says. “It’s not always a bad thing, but it makes it harder to connect with other queer girls in the wild.” Yannis’s dilemma is shared by many other bi folks: We either struggle to identify women as queer or struggle to be identified as queer ourselves.

Further complicating matters: Sofie Roos, a bi sexologist and relationship therapist, shares that in her experience both personally and professionally, many lesbians actively avoid dating bi women. Why? Lesbians who see bi women on dating apps may assume we are merely bi curious, with one foot rooted firmly in heterosexuality. (And to those who are bi curious: Roos recommends being straightforward to keep people from getting their feelings hurt. Some women like sleeping with newbies!)

A survey by dating app Her has also found that 48.3% of bisexuals are assumed to be straight or gay based on their partner. It’s another misperception that forces us to educate the world—and sometimes even our own partners—about our identities in order not to lose them. As therapist Emily May explains, “It’s like, ‘You’re bi, but are you really bi if you’re with a dude?’ The short answer: Yes, you are. But the pressure of having to constantly prove your queerness can be exhausting.”

I’ve dated enough men that some people assume I’m straight, and though I try to be forward about my sexual orientation when it’s relevant, I know that my identity is not up for debate. Bi women have nothing to prove, to ourselves or anybody else.

While certain factors affect who we date and how we navigate dating, Reese also reminds me that love simply isn’t logical—people “look for their soulmates and like-minded individuals. It can happen between a man and a woman, as well as between two women.” I like Reese’s perspective on our choices (or lack thereof): There shouldn’t be pressure to apply rules or reason to love. Ultimately, like relationships between people of any sexual orientation, it’s up to luck.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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He Knows Me; He knows Me Not

SEX! — We have a finite number of erogenous zones, but an infinite number of ways and means of stimulating them. INTIMACY! — We have a finite number of needs, but an infinite number of ways and means of satisfying them.

Sex is one a way of expressing intimacy and intimacy can give meaning to sex. Simple, right? As if! When sex and intimacy collide, confusion, disappointment and frustration abound.

Doc,I really have a serious problem. I can have sex all day long — women, men, whatever ya got — not a problem. And I think I’m really good at it too. That is until there’s hugging and kissing. Again, — women, men, whatever ya got — big problem. I don’t mind a quick hug or embrace, or a fleeting kiss, but anything more than that and I just freeze up. I can’t seem to relax inside myself while in another’s embrace. I am 39 and worry about dying alone and forgotten, because I can’t let myself get close to someone long enough to fall in love. I know this sounds foolish, but I have never even slept with another person, like after sex, in my whole life. What’s wrong with me?   — Frozen

Wanna know what’s wrong with you, Frozen? Easy! You’re a human, that’s what’s wrong with you! You are exhibiting a very human characteristic, a fear of intimacy, albeit a rather severe case of it indeed.

Many people are able to perform sexually, while having difficulty with intimacy. When I see such a person in my therapy practice, I help my client overcome this rift by encouraging him to gradually increase the amount of intimacy he is comfortable with every sexual encounter. It’s a simple behavior modification thing.

So, I suggest that you hold an embrace a minute or two longer each time you are embraced, taking the intimacy a bit deeper than you did the time before. The same goes for kissing — hold a kiss for a few moments longer, or kiss a little deeper each time a kiss is offered. You’ll have to concentrate and make a concerted effort, because this is unfamiliar territory for you. But you have a really strong motivation; you don’t want to be sad and alone. I think you’ll find that you will be rewarded handsomely with everything you invest in this exercise.

A good potion of any fear is what we talk ourselves into about the feared thing. Sure, there may be a traumatic event at the source of some of our fears. But even if there is, we have the capacity to move through the remembrance, let go of the trauma and move on with life.You’ve been living with this phobia for a long time, Frozen. It’s become second nature for you. As you apply yourself to overcoming your dread of intimacy, have some compassion for yourself. Know this will take time. In fact, it’ll be the work of a lifetime.

My advice to you is to set a goal for yourself. Try to turn some of this aversion to intimacy around. Give yourself say 6 or 8 weeks to make this happen. Start out with baby steps, but don’t hesitate to stretch and challenge yourself. Let your partner(s) know that you are working on something important. Ask for his (their) help and patience. You’ll be able to overcome your hesitancy even sooner with the help and encouragement of others. Ask for feedback on your progress.

Keep at it till you are comfortable cuddling in someone’s arms for an hour or till you can kiss someone passionately without wanting to pull away. Celebrate the fullness of your personhood; don’t just settle for bumping parts.

Good luck

Dear Dr. Dick, I could sure use you some advice on how to find Mr. Right! Can you help? Here’s the thing, I only meet guys that want sex….they objectify me and just think about their own needs. I’m sick of it. I’m including a link to my online profile and photos of myself so you can judge for yourself.Where can I go to meet someone that believes sex is mutual?    — Why Not Take All of Me

Are you trying to tell me that someone as delicious as you is having trouble connecting with quality people? If so, what chance is there for us mere mortals?

Listen, I don’t mean to be flippant. It’s just that looking at your photos and reading your profile, you sound like a dream. Of course, maybe that’s the problem.I’m not sure asking me, or anyone else for that matter, how YOU should go about finding Mr Right is the correct way to go. The reason being, there’s a different Mr Right for everyone. For some, Mr Right is no more than a pretty face, stiff dick and a supple ass.

Your needs appear more complex. One thing for sure, if you are looking for the perfect match for YOU, integrity and authenticity are preeminent. Don’t settle for less than what you want.That being said, you might begin by reassessing how you present yourself online. If the images you post suggest sex, that’s what you will attract. I mean come on — all those eye-popping nude full body shots of yourself; the close-up of your dripping hardon; your ass backed up to the camera lens like that, so that everyone and his mother can see where the sun don’t shine. And your profile, it proudly proclaims, “power bottom extraordinaire.” — Trust me, darlin’, none of this invites anyone to take you seriously for the dignified, well-rounded person you claim to be.

Finding Mr Right, is difficult at any stage of life. While you sound like a decent enough guy, you are no longer a youth. This time of life presents it’s own unique challenges. Are you carrying lots of personal baggage that may be off-putting to potential partners? I see that a lot in my more mature clients. They are too set in their ways to really enjoy the spontaneity of a new relationship.Lots to consider, huh?

Good luck

Dear Dr. Dick,  I have recently been going out with this great guy. He’s had three long-term relationships in the last 10 years or so. He says that with each one, when they met, he felt a “spark.” (I guess he means the spark of attraction, or passion.) But each of his relationships came to a crashing end.Anyway, this guy and I have been chatting on the internet for hours every day for weeks, but have only had two dates in person. And both times we got down to sex rather quickly. Now he says he wants things casual between us, because he didn’t feel any spark upon meeting me. He says I’m not his soul mate.I think this “spark” is passion. But fiery as it is, it always burns out, as it did with his first three partners.I’m different, I fall for a guy by getting to know him, finding mutual interests, and developing intimacy over time. (Although this method hasn’t worked for me, any better than his method has worked for him.)Is the approach through friendship better or worse than the approach through passion? Is there a future for a couple like us?  — In Way Too Deep

My gut feeling is that there isn’t enough common ground here for anything more than a garden-variety casual internet connection. And I suspect you both are looking for something more permanent than that. That is what you are talking about, right?

While you may have enough in common to consume hours of internet time each week, (no big challenge there, you can train a chimp to do the same) the sex thing, or passion thing, or whatever else one calls it these days, simply isn’t there. And there’s no making it suddenly appear at this point in your association. Your internet “date” is not about to be dazzled by anything that isn’t highly combustible, regardless of how poorly this has served him in the past. Your method, on the other hand, ain’t getting you married either.

Alas, we’re such creatures of habit.I am of the mind that passion is the stuff that keeps us thrilled while we slog through the less appetizing “getting-to-know-him” and “getting-adjusted-to-his shit” phase. In fact, I believe the “fireworks” thing is designed to distract our attention — or more precisely — blind us to the more unsavory aspects of the guy we’re bumping.

If there are no fireworks we’d immediately see the guy’s an overweight psychopath, with anger management issues, bad teeth, a little dick, shameful personal hygiene, a ridiculously low IQ, dwarfed only by his bank account, who picks his nose and lets his mother run his life.Time to move on, darlin’!

Good luck